Humour | Page 10 of 13

11 Alternative Outfits Nigerian Men Can Wear On A Date

Confused about what to wear on a date with that lady who finally said yes after months of airing you? She probably does not want trad or jeans. That’s why we came up with these 11 outfits that will guarantee you a second date and yes, marriage.

1. This knee-length ensemble.

Pair it with a neck scarf and the correct accessories and watch your woman become an ocean when you step in.

2. Kilt it better.

You will wear this and no woman will be able to resist you. Scotland swag mixed with Nigerian blood. You sef feel am?

3. A little bit of gauze.

Show her that you are capable of tenderness but also very much capable of flipping her like a KFC burger when the need calls for it.

4. Or maybe bring out your inner Khal Drogo?

Cutlass and black jeans are all you need. Perhaps drape a leather belt across your chest for extra effect. If she doesn’t beg you to marry her right there and then, she no sabi anything.

5. Serve loincloth realness.

Borrow mummy’s ankara and wrap it around yourself. A man who is in touch with tradition. Whew. Even me sef, I don soak.

6. How about ‘skirtrousers’?

Show your range. Let her know you can be both.

7. Short-sleeved suits are still in fashion, don’t forget.

Serve politician realness. Oshiomole wey dey go on date. Who can touch the hem of your garment? Nobody.

8. Hoodies are peng too.

If she does not like ankara native, might as well sew a hoodie and step out.

9. You can even cosplay Buhari.

Shey she likes suffering? Tell her you are up to the task.

10. Or show up in heels and pencil skirt.

There is nothing women love more than a man who is in touch with his feminine side. Take it from us. Step in her shoes and you will automatically step in her heart.

11. And don’t forget, alte fashion exists.

A hot cake. Who fit to stand near you? NOBODYYYYYYY!

Kunle Ologunro

April 24, 2021

Inside Life

Date, Humour, Nigerian Men, outfit, Sarcasm
How To Make Your Own Soap So You Can Stop Begging Others

These days, people are stingy with the source of their soap. They don’t want you to be as rich as they are. But that is their cup of tea. We too, we will make our own soap and we will blow and pass them.

Here’s what you need:

1. Black soap.

That is the starting ingredient. You will add every other thing inside it and pound together.

2. Red oil.

This will do an opposite work. That is, when everyone is saying, “E don red oh, it will never be red for you. Forever blue. Or whatever colour you desire.”

3. Boiled eggs, the expensive ones they are now selling N70.

The spirits in charge of soap will feed on it. Please don’t go and buy the cheap ones oh. Otherwise, your black soap will just be feeding you coins.

4. Your blood.

Ehen? Why are you shouting? Don’t you want to make money?

5. Your armpit hair.

Yes nau. This life is give and take oh.

6. Hair from your private part.

It’s just small you need.

7. Someone’s destiny.

Oh, you think it’s easy? My dear, to make money and blow is not a child’s play oh. You can surrender your own destiny if you cannot find someone’s destiny to use.

When you have gathered everything, please contact Hauwa to help you. Her prices are very decent.

By now, you should know that this kind of soap will not bring you success, because we don’t have a PhD in this kind of thing. But if you still want to go ahead and try it, toh, anything your eyes see, take it like that.

Kunle Ologunro

April 17, 2021

Inside Life

hauwa, Humour, juju, money, Soap
Interview With Red Wine: “Why Are Nigerian Women Lying Against Me?”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

For years, Red Wine has been the subject of many accusations by Nigerian women.

Today on Interview With, Red Wine sits with us to discuss how it feels about these accusations and tries to clear its name.

Zikoko: Thank you, Red Wine, for taking out time to have this conversation with us.

Red Wine: I’m just here to set the records straight.

You sound irritated. Is it the weather?

I am actually irritated. But the weather is not the major reason. I have been in Nigeria for quite some time, and I have learned to endure all the problems here, including bad power supply and bad weather. So the weather doesn’t move me.

Ehya. So the bad power supply affects you too…

It does.

I see.

I mean, you Nigerians don’t completely care. I have seen your people crack open a warm bottle of wine and drink it. I have seen them serve wine in tumblers instead of glass cups. In fact, I have seen Nigerians use kitchen bowls to drink wine. A good number of your people don’t care about elegance. They just want to drink and get it over with.

Is this strange for you?

Very. I mean, I have lived a good life. From America to London to Paris, you mention it. I have appeared in movies, dinner tables, romantic settings, everything. Like, I have experienced luxury.

But then I entered Nigeria and I saw shege. Right now, I am looking for an escape route. If I find it eh, hmm. You people better hold on to your palm wine and Four Cousins. Or maybe the Blood of Jesus sha.

Blood of Jesus?

Is it not red?

It is.

Do you people not share it at Holy Communion?

We do.

So what seems to be the problem?

Okay, wait. Is there a particular reason why Nigeria annoys you so much?

[Red Wine pouts]

Is it something we have done?

[Red Wine folds her hands and turns up her face]

Or are you scared that the Blood of Jesus will put you out of business?

The Blood of Jesus is for spiritual purposes. I take the carnal side. Let’s not get confused here.

Okay then, what exactly is the problem?

Nigerian women.

Now you are talking. What did Nigerian women do to you?

They are lying against me and I want them to stop.

Lying against you that what?

That I make them horny.

Nigerian Women: I drank red wine https://t.co/7PaSHuuvVg
— obalende chimamanda (@omosalewasmiles) January 7, 2021

Ehen. You don’t mean it.

They even say that when this happens, they make wild decisions.

Do you have proof of any of these accusations?

Are you a lawyer?

I am a Nigerian woman.

And so?

If you are going to accuse us of lying against you, come with evidence.

I knew this day would come

That’s the evidence.

So, where is the lie?

Are you not ashamed of yourself? Lying against an innocent wine like me?

No. Red Wine, are you not ashamed of yourself? Denying your own handiwork?

How oh?

I know what you do to me when I take one sip of you.

Ha.

I know what you do to other women too.

I—

So to have you come here and start lying that you don’t touch us down there is a lie.

Madam—

In fact, there is research to back it up.

Will you let me talk?

Talk.

I’m not saying that I don’t make women feel something down there oh. What I am fighting for is that the lie is too much.

How is it too much?

You Nigerian women are horny already. My own is just additional. After all, women in other countries drink me and I touch them too. Do they go about tweeting memes like this?

Why must Nigerian women be different? I want you people to take responsibility for once!

We say to women, you can be horny but not too horny so—

Please, please, please. You don’t even seem to care how this makes me feel. I attend events and people do not see me for who I am, instead I am seen as that red devil that causes commotion for women. Is that how you want people to remember me when I die?

We tell them—

My words are not even entering your ears.

We teach women to shrink their horni—

It’s enough oh. You people want to blame me, abi? Oya go ahead. Go ahead and refuse to take responsibility.

My head will judge. That’s what me I know sha. My head will judge.

[Red Wine carries her handbag and storms out]

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

RECOMMENDED:

Interview With Crayfish: “Igbo People Need To Release Me”

Itohan Esekheigbe

April 16, 2021

Interview With…

horny, Humour, Nigerian women, Red Wine
11 Ways To Check If You Are Ready To Have A Child

How do you know if you are ready to have a child? It’s not by shouting “My ovaries” when you see a baby’s cute photo online oh. You should probably sit down and answer these questions honestly before you decide. That’s our advice for you.

1. Offer to babysit someone’s children.

If, by the end of that day, you are still very stable and calm, then you are a patient person who is fit for parenthood. We salute you.

2. Teach the children class at Sunday School for three months straight.

You’ll emerge from that experience knowing that you absolutely love children or with the certainty that you absolutely want nothing to do with those creatures called children.

3. Help someone to wash their baby’s shit and diaper.

Then come back and tell us how you feel about it.

4. Stay awake at midnight.

This is practice for when the child will cry and wake you up from sleep. Do this for one week and come back to us with your results.

5. Do you know how to back babies?

Cause it’s an essential part of the whole thing oh. You can use a stroller, but some of these children won’t sleep unless they are on your back.

6. Offer a toddler your phone to play game.

Or watch YouTube. Of course, they will ruin the setting and every other thing you fixed on your phone. But if you’re okay with it, then you are ready to have kids of your own.

7. Can you eat and have them begging?

Think about it well oh, because children can beg. If you know you can share your food and not feel angry or irritated, then you are good to go.

8. Do you welcome unsolicited opinions?

Children will give you a lot of that. And we should warn you ahead: children say a lot things that will shock you. ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN HANDLE IT?

9. Can you solve Maths?

You better prepare. Quantitative, Verbal reasoning, Social Studies. “My Aunty say this is the correct one.” Do you have the range?

10. Can you do without flogging a child?

Oya, talk. Talkkk.

11. And finally, do you know how much baby food costs?

You better go and check to see if it is something within your power. Otherwise, leave the poor children alone so you don’t have this kind of situation:

6 Nigerian Babies On Finding Themselves In Nigeria Against Their Will

Kunle Ologunro

April 14, 2021

Inside Life

baby food, having a baby, Humour, parenting
9 People That Need To Cut Soap For Us

“Cut soap for me” does not mean they should divide bathing soap for you. It can mean telling your friends about job opportunities, introducing them to things that benefit them.

It can also be a casual way to beg for good luck or a portion of someone’s destiny, like Jacob. If something good has never happened to you, here are 9 people you should beg for soap.

1. Elsa Majimbo

Elsa came from nowhere, eating crisps and laughing and we all just lost our collective minds. She took self-love to another level and omo, all I can say is soap of Elsa, locate me now!!

2. Sugar babies

this is the soap you use abi?

Where una dey see this soap abeg? All of us would like to ball like you, don’t be stingy. If you give little you will earn in plenty. We don’t even want your glucose guardians number — but you can text me if you want to share, scroll down for my handle — just cut small soap for us abeg.

3. Trust fund kids

To be honest, I already know that this is a dead deal because how can generational wealth rise from nothing and still cut the soap? Anyway, it can start with me. Thanks and gohbless

4. People that have Anon

Every time, Anon sent you this. Anon bought you that. Anon said send your account number. It’s fine, who dey breet when life is working in your favour. Just a little soap so we too can find out own Anon

5. People that successfully moved out of this country.

I said successfully because many have tried and few have succeeded. You’re the one that should cut soap for us the most because how did you do it? In fact don’t answer, just dhl the soap, no need for long talk.

6. Her view, his view people

Y’all will not admit it but it is very okay to want love. Are you not tired of saying god when up and down? Better beg your relationship friends to cut soap for you

7. Scholars

Imagine not being the family disappointment, or imagine being a disappointment but smart. Omo what a dream.

8. BBN celebrities

All your fans do is try their hardest to make life easy for you, please we want. We too want to be pampered, just tell us who your plug is abeg. Small land, a couple of cars and dollars won’t be bad.

9. Buhari

Because I want to know how he scammed all of you into voting him in so he can just be chopping life.

If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

Malakai Bassey

April 14, 2021

Inside Life

Funny, Humour, Inside life
Interview With Crayfish: “Igbo People Need To Release Me”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

The Crayfish is an important celebrity that has been appearing in a number of soups, stews and other Igbo meals for a long, long time. But what is the cost of this level of fame?

In this week’s Interview With, the superstar talks to us about its life, hard work and secret struggles.

Zikoko: Igbo kwenu!

Crayfish: Kwenu!

Igbo kwenu!

Menu!

Igbo kwenu!

Venue!

Igbo kwenuuuu!

Revenue ooooo!

Ahan. Crayfish like you. How long have you spent with Igbo people that you are this proficient in Igbo language?

My dear, when you are in Rome, behave like the Romans oh. Since Igbo people adopted me as their community member, it’s only right that I learn their language.

Besides, they are the only family I know. When I opened my eyes at birth, instead of seeing my fellow water creatures, what I saw was Igbo people. I had no other choice but to accept them as my own people.

Hmm. Does this now mean you are Aqua-Igbo?

What is Aqua-Igbo?

It’s dual heritage. Aquaman, but Crayfish edition.

Isi gini?

You know, half aquatic, half Igbo creature?

Oh, I see. Nwanne m, after appearing in every Igbo dish, I think I am full-blooded Igbo. That Aqua-Igbo thing does not perfectly describe me. If it’s not because this interview was impromptu eh, I would have brought you my net singlet.

You have a net singlet?

Yes now.

Wonderful.

Yes oh. And I have my own container too. Although I use it to bring in other crayfishes. Igbo people have shown me the good life, I also need to show other crayfishes the way.

We rise by lifting others…

Gbam! They are all my brothers and sisters. Nwanne m, nwanyi. What other choice do I have but to help?

You are regarded as a celebrity. And from our short time together, I can see that you are one.

You are correct.

But I want to demystify you. Who are you outside of the celebrity lifestyle?

[Deep sigh].

Don’t hold back. Let it all out. This is a safe space.

Nwanne m, I am not happy. Waking up in the morning, thinking about so many things, I just wish things would get better, I’m trying to get rid of them but nothing seems to stay the same.

Ehya. And other food items are looking up to you oh.

That’s the problem with being famous. Everyone thinks my life is perfect. They look at me and my relationship with Igbo people and assume that it is a balanced one, but it’s not.

If only you knew what this my tiny body has gone through. If you could see what these my tiny eyes have seen. You would go down on your knees and pray for me.

That’s a lot. I’m sorry. Care to share?

Igbo people are overworking me. Every single time, I have to make a special appearance in one food or the other. Can I please rest?

But you said they made you famous. Don’t you think it’s a fair trade?

Hian. If that is the case, they should come and collect their fame back and let me go back to my old life biko. It is better for me to be unknown and at peace than to be a celebrity and be overworked.

Even Buhari that is the president of a country does not work as hard as I do. And look at him, travelling to London to enjoy.

Easy on the Buhari slander, please…

So that what will happen? If Buhari thinks he works harder than I do, let him come out and say it. Let both of us sit down and count.

I regularly appear in Egusi soup. Has Buhari done that? Can Buhari do that? Oha soup, I feature. Ogbono, I am there. Ofe Onugbu, I get land inside am. Okazi, I dey there. Even stew for rice, I feature.

What’s with Igbo people and crayfish in stew pic.twitter.com/92dCbMxR4v
— J.O.Y 🥺 (@_Idaraobong) February 9, 2021

You people think it is by sitting down inside Aso Rock? If not because of my hard labour in the hands of Igbo people, do you think I won’t consider going into politics?

Na wa oh. Have you spoken to them at all?

Igbo people? Their coconut head is not from this world. You complain, they increase your labour. At first, I was just used to flavour soup, and it was fine. I don’t know who asked me to answer them and enter Jollof rice. The moment they discovered how hardworking I can be inside Jollof rice like this, they started putting me inside everything.

Now, I enter Jollof rice steady steady. Fried rice nko? I dey. Even Indomie.

The floor is Indomie without Crayfish

Igbo people: https://t.co/w1iF7Q7MB3
— Ebuka (@EbukaMeansGreat) November 17, 2019

Small time, they will include me in pancake and puff-puff. Or maybe even crayfish-flavoured biscuits.

Na real wa.

My own is, what about the other food items? There is okporoko, ponmo, goat meat, but it’s me that has to do all the work? That’s not fair at all.

But then what can I say. I will overcome.

I’m rooting for you.

And I should even be happy because I am not being rejected by abroad people. Look at how Buhari that entered London and some people protested against his entry. Can never be me.

Ahan! Energy!

No, I’m just saying. I can be overworked oh, but I know that I am widely-loved when it matters.

True, true. Igbo kwenu!

Abeg, rest.

Sorry.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

RECOMMENDED:

Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed Of Me?”

Kunle Ologunro

April 9, 2021

Inside Life, Interview With…

Crayfish, Humour, Igbo people, interview with
8 Questions To Answer Before You Add Me To Your Instagram ‘Close Friends’

Hmm, so you want to add me to your ‘Close Friends’ on Instagram. Thank you oh, the gesture is appreciated. Very appreciated, in fact. But to make lives easier for both of us, I want you to answer these questions.

1. First of all, are we friends?

Because if we are not friends and you add me, then this arrangement is not a mutual something. In fact, you have wasted ‘Close Friends’ slot.

2. Are we really close friends?

It’s not the one you will add me, I will now be watching videos of you and your actual close friends chopping life. Walahi talahi, I’ll cause trouble.

3. On a scale of 1-10, how interesting is your life?

Let us know now before you trap me inside Close Friends that will make me look somehow if I leave.

4. What do you plan to post in the ‘Close Friends’?

Eating spaghetti? Driving car? Singing along to Wizkid while nodding your head like an agama lizard? If those things are in your content calendar, please open the door of your Close Friends, let me leave.

5. Will you be showing nudity?

Shebi we are close friends? Please post your birthday suit, let’s appreciate the goodness of God in your life.

6. Will you be telling me dark secrets that you haven’t told anybody else?

For example, how you killed your nanny when you were 3 and your parents covered it up by sending you to Yankee. Tell me your darkest secrets abeg. After all, what are close friends for?

7. Will I see a hidden part of you that nobody else knows?

I know there is more to you than swimming pool and coding and wig and creamy pasta. Unleash the kraken and let me see.

8. Will you be chopping life and inviting me?

I cannot be watching you chop life and not get an invite. Do you want me to screen record and show your parents?

If you will not do any of these things, please remove me from that Close Friends with immediate alacrity. I appreciate your generosity, but I am not your target audience.

Love and light, friend.

Kunle Ologunro

April 8, 2021

Inside Life

close friends, Humour, Instagram
7 Skills Conductors Have That Everyone Needs

Honestly, the don’t teach people how to be a conductor in school because you’d be unstoppable, a potential super villan and you might even unlock hidden parts of your brain. We decided to share this knowledge because you deserve.

1. Ridiculous parkour skills

You could even parkour your way out of traffic, I am jealous.

You know how conductors hop on and off buses at anytime? Imagine if you had that? Spiderman no do reach that one.

2. Megaphone voice

Wouldn’t life be great if people always heard what you said loudly? Will people start to avoid you? Yes, but that’s not the point. Best of all, when you call all those delivery guys to explain your address as usual, they can’t claim that they didn’t hear you.

3. Singlets as a fashion choice

Personally, I feel like no one should wear this but okay.

The only other set of people that have been able to do this are Igbo men. So, imagine your power, I am shaking in my boots.

4. Ability to make friends

You and your new friends hanging out.

Y’all are always complaining about how hard it is to make friends as adults, well conductors have mastered it. Of course by friends, I mean LASTMA officials and thugs. So, do with that what you must.

5. Mathematical skills

Where do I even start? These people have their third eye open because there is no explanation for this. Imagine having this skill? The world is your starting point dear.

6. Good grip

I don’t know where your mind went to, but thats not what I meant sha. Cleanse your mind.

7. Ability to negotiate with traffic

Even the president hasn’t solved this one, imagine your power>>>

Do you know what it means to be able to solve Nigeria’s traffic issues? Especially in Lagos? You’ve really made it be that.

Malakai Bassey

April 8, 2021

Inside Life

Bus conductors, conductor, Humour
13 Easy Ways To Recognise People Who Need Deliverance

Deliverance is important oh, especially to those of you who are manifesting any of these signs listed here. You may think all is well with you, but if you do at least 7 things on this list, all is not well.

You need serious deliverance.

1. They cook because of hunger, but when they finish cooking, they are too full to eat out of it.

We know it’s not you, it’s something else. And that’s why you need deliverance.

2. They wake up in the midnight and start washing their bathroom and toilet.

Don’t hide, we see you.

3. They want people to visit them but never want to leave their own house.

Shebi you sef can see that something is wrong with you.

4. They can be in a WhatsApp group chat for months and not say anything.

And they won’t feel bad about it. SMH. You better kneel and let’s pray for you.

5. They enjoy staying in the dark.

Dark curtains, lights off, everywhere black. My dear, remove yourself from that darkness with immediate alacrity.

6. They offer to cook for people but won’t cook for themselves when they are hungry.

Did you come to this life to be a cook? You need deliverance oh.

7. They prefer series to movies.

This one needs no argument. You are definitely possessed.

8. They can eat one thing consistently for a week.

All you people that say, “So-so is my best food, I can eat it forever.” Let us tell you, it is a severe deliverance that will separate you from that food.

9. They do laundry at night.

Hm, answer and tell us if this does not show that you need intervention.

10. They can stay in a house for months without people knowing.

How is it doing you? Omo, seek help oh.

11. They eat avocados.

You want to hear the truth? Avocado was the forbidden fruit that pursued Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden.

12. They sleep with the lights on.

We been knew. Ogbanje.

13. They live in Lagos.

You think people living in Lagos are not in need of deliverance? They do oh. Imagine living in a city that wants to run you mad. God abeg. You better go for deliverance.

QUIZ: What Type Of Evil Spirit Are You?

Kunle Ologunro

April 7, 2021

Inside Life

deliverance, Humour, Nigeria, satire
11 Advantages Of Being A Short Person

People often think being short is a disadvantage and they easily want to mock people they don’t perceive to be tall enough. But I have spent a large part of my life being short, and I can tell you that there are advantages to being short.

Listen:

1. You can easily enter the water tank to wash it properly.

Proper cleaning because you will enter the heart of the matter.

2. You can be the little bride/groom at your friend’s wedding.

That way, they won’t go through the stress of begging their neighbour’s children to come and do it.

3. Two yards of fabric is enough for you to sew designer.

Others may be struggling to pay for 6 yards, but 2 yards and you are set for life.

4. Instead of going to the gym, your fitfam friends can lift you up as the weight.

5. You can live with your parents as long as you want.

Everybody will kuku think you’re a baby.

6. You don’t have fake humility.

You know why? You’re already down to earth.

7. For you, every day is Children’s Day.

People will just be dashing you money anyhow. The country is hard right now oh, but there is nothing impossible for God.

8. A face towel can easily double as your body towel.

Look at you, succeeding with the barest minimum.

9. Unable to reach the shower knob? You can easily shower under the tap.

And you are guaranteed a fuller blast of water sef. Tall people are actually suffering.

10. You can use shortness to escape a relationship.

If someone you don’t like approaches you, just say, “I can’t date you. Can’t you see that I am still a child? Shebi you can see that I’m not tall.”

11. You get to stand in front of any assembly.

The first can never be the last. God has put you in front, who can push you backward? NOBODY!

QUIZ: Can We Guess Your Height?

Kunle Ologunro

April 3, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Sarcasm, Short people