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I know you think the IJGBs have been around for about a month and that if you were going to snag one, you would’ve already, so time has run out.
Well, perish that thought. Time may be running out, but it hasn’t run out yet. You still have the chance to snag your very own IJGB. But only if you follow the instructions I’m about to lay out. Pay attention, people.
1) Dress the part.
Ladies and gents. Detty December is a viciously competitive period. Everyone and their mama is looking for an IJGB to rock the town with, so you must stand out by dressing for the part. Do a wardrobe overhaul and replace every item of clothing you own with the sluttiest clothes you can find on this side of Allen Avenue. It’s like they say: dress for the job you want.
2) Track them down.
If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain. I don’t understand why whoever came up with this said it like there was the possibility of the mountain going to meet a human, but that’s a story for another day. My point is that these IJGBs won’t come to you, so you have to do your best Joe Goldberg impersonation — complete with witty inner monologue — and track them down. You can find them at raves, house parties, concerts, overpriced restaurants, and traffic.
3) When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
To quote my homeboy, Kunle Ologunro: “You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Okay nau. Just buy your running shoes ready because you will definitely run kiti kiti when the time comes.”
Sometimes, IJGBs will engage in certain activities that you may find…less than reputable. Like recreational drug use. Now that you’ve made your way into their circle, you can’t do anything to make them suspicious of you, like judging them with your eyes when they whip out crystal meth. Do what you will with this information.
4) Keep up.
IJGBs like to move around. Keep up. Enough said.
5) Do jazz.
As I mentioned earlier, the competition is fierce, and you need all the help you can get. Get into your old Nollywood bag and trap someone’s spirit in a groundnut bottle. You can release them when the holidays end, and you need to return to your everyday life.
Good luck. And may the odds be ever in your favour.
9-5ers have had a blast these last few months, but the joy is fading because there are no more public holidays until October 1st. It’s about to be every day labour, every day slavery, for the next THREE months.
But that’s where we come in. Here’s how you can get that off day you may or may not deserve.
Add your HR officer on WhatsApp
It’s called setting the groundwork. Tweak your privacy settings to allow them to view your status, and start posting work-related content. Somewhere in there, add lamentations about your health struggles, real or imagined. HR is sure to grant you a day off the next day.
Love-bomb your grandparents on WhatsApp
Your HR and employers are still on your WhatsApp, but instead of work-related content, flood your status with content about your aged grandparents. When you ask for that off-day to check on Grandma Ikorodu, the groundwork you’ve done will be enough to get it approved.
Attempt a Guinness World Record
It’s the in-thing at the moment and you can use it to your advantage. The key is to let your employers know they’ll get free exposure while you’re trying to break a record. You can ask for a two-week leave to prepare. Whether it’s paid or not is your own cup of tea but you’ll get your holiday sha.
Get pregnant
No employer wants a pregnant woman and her unborn child’s blood on their hands. You won’t only get off days, you’ll also have your maternity leave allowance to enjoy. Note: This is strictly for women.
Borrow money from a loan shark
Make sure you fill your office address in the form. If the loan agents storm the office twice, your employers will just tell you stay at home permanently. The holiday you truly deserve.
You need someone to bring along who’ll remind you about all the stress you ran away from. That way, you won’t be eager to come back. You’re here for soft life only.
Clear your schedule
If you check your schedule well, it’s screaming stress. Drop some things off so you can see clearly and plan a proper getaway.
Quit your job
If your schedule can’t be cleared, your employer is most likely to blame. You need to call and tell them, “E go be”. Kill your employment before it kills you.
Go on Instagram one last time
If you need motivation for your getaway, go on social media and see how everyone on your timeline is travelling and living their best life. That should give you enough morale to take yours seriously.
Then get off social media
Now that you’re motivated, get off social media and face the getaway squarely. Your weekend is about to be soft. Don’t let Twitter gist ruin it for you.
Find a hotel to stay
You need a soft place to stay. Somewhere that makes it easy for you to forget everything you’re running away from. And we hear Aura by Transcorp Hotels is the right platform for this. The upgraded bookings platform makes it easy for you to book hotels, homes and experiences, and soon make flexible payments.
Book a flight
You can’t start the special weekend caught up in traffic. It’s off-brand for the kind of softness you need. Book a flight instead so you can move from comfort to even more comfort.
Holidays should be spent with family and friends. But what happens when you’re in a different country, far from home? From spending the day at work to seeking companionship on dating sites, these Nigerians share their 2022 holiday season experience.
“I had to cook and eat alone” — Grey
I’m used to spending my holidays with family. Even when I stayed in Lagos for a year, I spent it with an uncle. So being in a space with no family members was a bit lonely. I had to cook myself and eat alone while talking to my family members over the phone. But I spent New Year’s Eve dancing at a bar — that was fun. I had to work on New Year’s Day sha.
“People in the UK have more Christmas spirit” — Riri
Besides the fact that I’m still trying to find my feet, so I had to work on Christmas Day, I was excited about my first Christmas in the UK. Unlike Nigeria, where there’s not a lot of decoration, there were Christmas decorations and songs everywhere! The people seemed more high-spirited. It was also great to experience snow for the first time. I’m positive this year will be better because I’d have more friends, maybe a man, so I’d join and do “me and mine”.
“Nobody gave me rice and chicken” — Ifeanyi
These people are stingy. None of my neighbours gave me rice, chicken, drink, even muffins I didn’t see. I don’t even know if people wear Christmas clothes because everyone’s wearing a jacket because of the cold in London.
Even though I’d taken a Christmas shift to reduce the loneliness, I still felt lonely. The roads were very dry. I had to video call my family. I didn’t want to feel that loneliness again, so I visited my friend for New Year’s.
“I spent the day between video calls with family and Netflix” — Nnanna
I planned to spend Christmas with my sister in Toronto, but due to a snowstorm, there was a sit-at-home mandate between December 23rd to 27th, 2022 in Ontario, where I stay. I was indoors with my flatmate and a girl I met off a dating app. Christmas was pretty boring; I spent the day alternating between video calls with family members and watching movies online. Unlike Nigeria where people spend the holidays going out, not only are all the stores in Ontario closed, everyone spends time indoors with family.
“I chose to work for the double pay” — Tayo
They may love Christmas here, but they’re not as loud about it as in Nigeria. While their focus is on gifting their loved ones and spending time together, Nigerians throw parties and share food. This is why it’s especially lonely around the holidays here. Because I’d already anticipated the loneliness, I picked up more work shifts during the period. They were going to pay double, and it seemed like a better way to spend the holidays than just scrolling through my phone and sleeping.
“I spent my Christmas at the airport” — Tolani
I took time off work to spend the holidays with my family in Turkey. But there were complications with the visa I had, so I spent my Christmas moving from one airport to another trying to find a flight. I had to give up and return to Canada on December 26th.
The year is coming to an end, but your company doesn’t look like they plan on ending the work year. Well, since they’ve decided to choose violence, we have some ideas on how to get them to close by force.
DISCLAIMER: If you end up unemployed, Zikoko didn’t send you message. Abeg.
Kidnap your CEO
Obviously everyone in the company will spend their time and resources looking for him. The company will have to close by force. If they still prove stubborn, demand that his release is conditional on the fact that they close down for Christmas.
Buy padlock and lock everyone out
Arrive earlier than everyone else in the company and change the padlock. Go back home then resume at the normal time. Now, pretend to be shocked that they’re locked out.
Change the social media password
Change the password of all the social media accounts and start posting rubbish. They’ll think they’ve been hacked and will be forced to close. You can even use the social media account to air their smelling behaviour for all to see.
Find something scandalous about HR, and threaten to leak the secret if they don’t force y’all to close for the holidays. Better set up your camera and start stalking HR 24/7.
Sue for emotional damages
Choosing to make you work at the end of the year is damaging to your mental and physical health. If they don’t close, you’d have to take them to court. Even if they win the case, do they really want to waste money on legal fees? They’ll close for their pockets, and you’ll get to relax for the holidays.
Disconnect the power grid
If you work from an office, what you need to do is disconnect their power supply. No power = no work. The math is simple.
Sell the company
When there’s no company remaining, nothing stops the management from not only closing for the holidays but forever and ever. You might become poor, but at least, you’ll be home for the holidays.
The holiday gates are open and the IJGBs are landing with wanna-gonna and innit money. If you plan to secure one of them this December, stick to these commandments so you don’t get carried away.
First of all, don’t do it
If you’re thinking of getting involved with an IJGB, don’t do it. No matter how sweet they seem. It won’t end well, and you’ll shed tears in January. But if we’re already late, and you’re involved with one already, continue reading.
Break up and run
Now’s the time to pick up your bag and leave, to avoid stories that touch the heart. But if you love living dangerously, and you have coconut head, then make sure to do these things.
Fall in love with sharing
Market is tight, and the demand for IJGBs is high. There’s a chance your December boo has another boo. Don’t let that one vex you. Just develop team spirit and fall in love with sharing.
Enter with your eyes and hands open
Shine your eyes very well, so they can’t port to another IJGB with a better offer. You can’t be mixing business with pleasure. But if you’re going to stay too, keep your hands open so you can collect all their money.
Don’t catch feelings
Remember, you’re here for a good time and not a long time. Catch not these feelings that IJGBs will throw at you. Now, go forth and prosper.
Have more than one IJGB at hand
Your IJGB definitely has side pieces. Better do what’s in your best interests and gather like five so you can stay focused on the bag and not catch feelings.
Have a backup plan for when they all leave
Just in case you don’t listen, and you catch feelings for one of them, you need a shoulder to cry on when the breakfast comes. Because it definitely will.
Don’t text them after they’re gone
Let the end be the end. Just move on, and don’t text them again — until next December, at least.
Your December might be detty but have you thought about January yet? We’re giving you this cheat code way ahead of time so you don’t scream “sapa” again early next year, please.
Have a budget
Yes, we know this is the month to prove how much of a baller you are, but don’t get carried away. Plan your money so you don’t cry hot tears next month. If you don’t know how to be a baller on a budget, we’ve got you covered.
Gatecrash all the parties
Five minutes of fun before they kick you out is definitely worth it. Don’t sleep on this tactic for your December. If you’re finding it hard to gatecrash any party, show up like this.
…Or stay in your house
Maybe just stay in your house and watch people ball on the internet. Or watch the World cup instead. Second-hand enjoyment isn’t such a bad thing, you know. At least, you won’t get a bill in the end.
Bill your rich friends
It’s your detty December, but why not have someone else pay for it so you can ball without having chest pain every five minutes? Bill your rich friends and forget your problems this month.
Avoid family gatherings
Your village people will come for their annual dues if you attend any huge family gatherings this December. If you must attend, don’t lose guard, for the sake of your pocket.
Buy yourself December clothes
You still want to look like your December is detty even though you’re taking things easy. Perception is everything, so use your drip to hide the fact that January winter is on its way. Impress people with your fresh new drip to limit the pressure to spend just to prove a point.
Or find someone to buy them for you
You can even rope someone into buying you clothes so you don’t have to spend anything to look suave this December. What’s sweeter than using someone else’s money to enjoy life? Absolutely nothing. Nigerian politicians would know.
You’re resting because of the holiday, but how many words can you make out it? If you score above 15, you’re free to take two extra days off. You deserve it.
“Holiday” can be rearranged into 71 different English words. How many can you get?
You made #{score}/#{total}
How come you scored so low? Do you hate holidays?
You made #{score}/#{total}
You didn’t try. You didn’t try at all. Please resume work immediately.
You made #{score}/#{total}
You tried only small.
You made #{score}/#{total}
Look how well you did. If it was up to you, every day would be a public holiday.
It’s the holiday season again. While we all love spending time with loved ones and not having to work or attend classes, there’s something we can all as a society agree we hate about the holidays. Traffic. Traffic is always horrible this season, and with traffic comes increased cab prices. Our tired is tired. That’s why we’re here with some concrete tips to help you beat the traffic this holiday season.
1) Stay in your house
There’s no traffic if you stay in your house. Why are you going out all the time anyways? Is Christmas your own birthday? Why not take time to sit and reflect on the reason for the season. Traffic can’t stress you in you stay in your house.
2) Reindeer
If someone can fly a reindeer and visit all the houses on Christmas night, don’t you think it’s worth investing in? Flying reindeer is a sure way for you to beat traffic this holiday season.
3) Teleportation
Look at your mirror, tap your chest three times, shout Zikoko and you’d find yourself at whatever location you desire. Please note that if the teleportation doesn’t work for you, then it’s not Zikoko’s fault. You’re just bad vibes.
4) Flying broom
If reindeer is too hard for you to find, why not try a flying broom? Just place a call to a witch near you and ask for them to share their secrets. Haven’t you noticed that witches never complain about traffic?
5) Climb your Christmas chicken
Have you seen the speed at which chickens run and dash? Well, a simple way to beat traffic this holidays is to mount your Christmas chicken and let it carry you to your destination. Since they’re small animals, they can pass tight corners.
6) Take to the skies
Traffic is limited to the roads, so why not try flying? It doesn’t matter if you have wings or not. Work with faith.
7) Kidnap Santa Claus
When you kidnap him, tell him that his condition for release is to grant you one wish, and that’s a Christmas free holidays.
The Nigerian horses on the coat of arms once complained that they need a new job to do. Why not borrow them this Christmas season. At least when you go to the beach and they want to charge you for a horse ride, you’d say you came with your own.
What makes Christmas tick? Is it the Christmas spirit, food, family jokes or the quiet day you get because you were forgotten while travel plans were made? Reminisce with nostalgia as seven Nigerians share their favourite Christmas memories with Zikoko; the places and people that shaped their love for the season.
Highlife music is the highlight of any Igbo Christmas and it was no different for my family. Whether it was on our road trip to the village, cooking or just unwinding with family, highlife music played in the background. There’s just something that happens inside our blood when Osadebe is on the radio.
My Christmas holidays were always coloured with mischief with my cousins at the village. It’d start with an eight hour drive from Lagos to my hometown Umuoji in Anambra State. My family woke up at 5 a.m. to get dressed and load up the Sienna outside with our travelling bags. My dad would crank up the radio to play Osadebe as we drove out of the compound. My siblings and I would then fall asleep for most of the journey.
A high point of the journey was getting into Asaba. As we approached the head bridge, my brothers woke me up by yelling, “Get your trumpet, we’re almost home. we’re almost home.” With sleepy eyes, I’d blow my imaginary trumpet outside the window in excitement. My dad would then sped up the bridge while my brothers kept screaming, “We’re home, we’re home” to complement the sound of our hooting. The radio automatically switched to the local channels in the South; 96.3 FM in Lagos was completely different in Asaba. We sang along to the Igbo tunes of Osadebe on the radio as we approached Onitsha. I can still picture chewing my mouth and messing up the lyrics with my siblings.
Two more turns and we were in Umuoji. We drove up to our grandmother’s house; it was a dainty white duplex surrounded by tall, lush coconut trees. The welcome chants erupted from my cousins in the compound. As the car came to a stop, they hugged us and helped us unload our bags. We went in through the backyard to greet our grandmother. She was in the middle of feeding scraps of plantain peels to the goats in the sheds as we walked up to hug her. She turned around, smiling as she hugged each of us. My brothers and I went into the parlour to catch up with my cousins. The night ended with my siblings and I catching up with my cousin in the parlor, as we stuffed our mouths with some piping hot yam and red oil from grandma.
After dusting the house and sweeping the compound, we snuck into my late grandfather’s house at the back to play. It is where my grandfather received guests as the head of the home. My cousin sat on the chair in the middle while we sat around him pretending to be village chiefs. He had a paper crown and kola nuts stolen from grandma’s cupboard. We went on singing Umuoji na sa fo, the best place to be was still Umuoji, round the king as we played in papa’s hut that afternoon. We were just lucky mama never caught.
The day ended in the kitchen cooking Ofe akwu. The soup is made from pounding palm kernels in a mortar, and squeezing the juice into a pot to boil. My aunty did the pounding, while I ground up spices for the soup. Everyone was seated in the backyard while waiting for the food. There was palm wine going around, with Ndi Afu Owyi Ana by Osadebe on the radio downstairs.
The banga was served with local rice, which is perfect for the soup. Elders were served soup in traditional bowls on the table, while the rest of us picked any kind of plate and focused on fighting to get the large pieces of meat left. The rest of the evening was spent gisting out in the backyard with my siblings and cousins. We sat on my grandmother’s wooden bench outside, talking under the moonlight, singing and dancing to the sounds of traditional Igbo tunes coming from across the street.
Adulting happened and life came at me fast. This Christmas, I look back on the good old days, and the memories make me want to get in a car, turn up Osademe on my speakers and drive to Umuoji.
If you’re bored this holiday season, take some Zikoko quizzes to spice up your day.
What makes Christmas tick? Is it the Christmas spirit, food, family jokes or the quiet day you get because you were forgotten while travel plans were made? Reminisce with nostalgia as seven Nigerians share their favourite Christmas memories with Zikoko; the places and people that shaped their love for the season.
One constant thing in my family were the presents on Christmas day. My mum was very big on it while we lived in Zimbabwe, but moving back to Nigeria eventually changed the tradition.
My family lived in Harare, the capital city of Zimbabwe for nine years. December was between fall and autumn, so Christmas there was sunny and slightly chilly too. Leaves would fall off blooming trees, but not enough to create heaps by the roadside. Living in Harare felt like being in the American neighbourhoods you see in movies; rows of similar houses with picket white fences, and bright green grass on the lawns. It was quiet, peaceful and our neighbours were super friendly. In only three months of moving in, I grew fond of their two kids. We spent some weekends having sleepovers at their home or having lunch by our poolside. During the Christmas holidays, this connection was multiplied by ten.
Our first Christmas in Harare was without my dad. He had to leave for work, so It was just me and my mum for the day. It had been nine months of being in Harare, so we were close enough to the neighbours to invite them over for a Carol service in the evening. They were the closest thing we had to an extended family in Zimbabwe, so it was better than being home alone.
It started off as a chilly and gloomy morning, so I was under the duvet watching movies and eating some biscuits I had taken from my dad’s snack box. The staff handled the cleaning and cooking for the day, so all I had to do was lay in bed and fill up on baked goodies. The help brought in breakfast at 10 a.m.: a plate of toast and scrambled eggs. I eventually rolled out of bed, put my braids into a bun and jumped into the shower for a warm bath. Then I put on a pair of jeans, threw on a cardigan and ran down the stairs to help set up in the backyard.
Our first Christmas in Harare was without my dad. He had to leave for work, so It was just me and my mum for the day. It had been nine months of being in Harare, so we were close enough to the neighbours to invite them for a Carol service in the evening. They were the closest thing we had to an extended family in Zimbabwe, so it was better than being home alone.
It started off as a chilly and gloomy morning, so I was under the duvet watching movies and eating some biscuits I had taken from my dad’s snack box. The staff handled the cleaning and cooking for the day, so all I had to do was lay in bed and fill up on baked goodies. The help brought in breakfast at 10 a.m.: a plate of toast and scrambled eggs. When I was done, I eventually rolled out of bed, put my braids into a bun and jumped into the shower for a warm bath. Then I put on a pair of jeans, threw on a cardigan and ran down the stairs to help my mum set up in the backyard.
It was a minimalist setup: lights draped over the branches of the avocado trees outside, mats spread out in a circle underneath with cushions and pillows piled on top of each other. My mum also set up a projector to show the lyrics of the songs for the evening on the wall facing us.
Our neighbours arrived later with a bottle of white wine and a box of cupcakes drizzled with chocolate sauce. The night began with a game of charades. I can still picture my mum making the funniest gestures for what in her words, was the description of a horse. After about two rounds of losing to the neighbours, we set up the projector to sing.
The line-up for the night was: Joy to the World, Away in a Manger, the First Noel and Silent Night. We sounded terrible and off tune, singing along to the lyrics, but I loved it. Our parents had wine while we had cans of Maltina served in between each set. The best part was having my mum get up to sing Silent Night while we all watched. I still think it was the wine, because she was usually quite conservative.
The night ended with a feast of rice, chicken and salad finding their way into our stomachs. There was laughter and chatter into the rest of the night. We spent the last few days of the holiday in between game nights at their house and a trip to Victoria falls for the New year together. Even with just our neighbours, it didn’t feel like Christmas away from family back in Zimbabwe.
When we moved back to Nigeria, I missed the connected feeling I felt in Zimbabwe. There was food, family visits and getting treats, but it lacked the quiet intimacy of Harare . I hope I get to take my kids to experience Zimbabwe all over again with my own family. Christmas was such a beautiful time there.
If you’re bored, take some Zikoko quizzes to spice up your day.
What makes Christmas tick? Is it the Christmas spirit, food, family jokes or the quiet day you get because you were forgotten while travel plans were made? Reminisce with nostalgia as seven Nigerians share their favourite Christmas memories with Zikoko; the places and people that shaped their love for the season.
Between my little sister, mum, dad and I, Christmas was pretty laid back each year. We weren’t the type to throw parties or open presents under a tree; for us, Christmas was about food and laziness. I got to eat stuff I wouldn’t find in the cupboard on any other day of the year: chocolates, juice, and biscuits. And Christmas mornings were my favourite because we didn’t wake up to chores. Everything that needed to be cleaned was brushed or mopped the day before.
My favourite Christmas started this way, with something extra special from NEPA. I remember this particular Christmas because we had uninterrupted power for two whole days at our flat on Simisola Street. It was so strange to wake up to light, then to have it all through the day and next?
My sister and I woke up earlier than usual that Christmas, maybe due to the strange wind blowing us from the fan once they brought the light. The first thing I did with this gift from NEPA was rush into the living room to catch those early morning cartoons on cable. I switched on the Toshiba TV and cosied up on the couch with my sister. Thanks to our youngness, when Mumsi got up to cook two hours later at 8 a.m., we were allowed to continue watching TV. Mumsi loved to bake for Christmas. If I try, I can usually picture her in the kitchen, throwing in the ingredients in a bowl, mixing flour with milk for cakes and nutmeg for chin-chin.
We had moved from cartoons to film and were in the middle of Dr Dolittle when dad walked in with treats for the day. These snacks usually came from the hampers he received from work. The hamper for this particular Christmas was so big, I’d been excited since the day he brought it in. It had huge bottles of cashew nuts, two jars of Horlicks, Goody Goody and then there were these cookies in a big, shiny, round blue container. They looked so elite. Sadly, we weren’t getting any of it until Christmas afternoon.
So when my dad walked in with the shiny blue tin, opened it and handed us three pieces each, My tastebuds were ready to be bamboozled. I wanted to savour every bite. I nibbled on the edges of the first one, scratched my tongue against the sugar on the second and left the third for too long in my mouth as I tried to lengthen the experience. It was so milky, so sugary. I begged for some more.
When mum was done in the kitchen, she handed us some bottles of mineral, with a plate of Jollof rice and grilled chicken for lunch. I took a sip of my drink and settled into the steamy plate of rice as we enjoyed the rest of the movies lined up for the day.
I don’t know if it was the cookies or just the feeling from laughing together in the living room watching Christmas movies. Maybe it was the electricity we had all day, but this Christmas was it. Once that cold bottle of Fanta hit the roof of my mouth and dissolved the remaining sugar stuck to my teeth, I knew no other Christmas experience could top this.
If you’re bored this Christmas, take some Zikoko quizzes to spice up your day.
It’s matching pyjamas season; the final hurdle of “God when” us singles need to cross. But fear not. We’ve come up with tips on how you can bypass this holiday tension.
1. Hope for the best
It’s three days until Christmas. Time is still on your side. Call that dispatch rider to deliver the pyjamas to your crush. It may end in disgrace, or they could show up at your doorstep. Just try.
2. Wear the two at once
This weather for two is another excuse to get cozy. So wear both of them. Who will know?
3. Twin with your mother
As long as there’s matching going on, you’re all good. What better way to end the year than a photoshoot with the person that loves you unconditionally?
4. Get your dad involved
If mummy abandons you on this journey, a father’s love is just as sweet to display online. You can also call him to fight the crush that abandoned you. Either way, you win.
5. Stand in front of a mirror
Self-love is the real game changer. Your reflection is all you need to pull that pyjamas off. Just stand there, look cute and take a mirror selfie.
6. Plan a group photoshoot
Na single you single, you no kill person. Invite your boys or girls, or just pick random people off the street. Post it and insert a deep quote on the value of friendship and it’s a wrap.
7. Just end everything
We’re not endorsing violence. But if all else fails, you have to end this trend once and for all. Burn your own first since it didn’t work out. Then ask any couple you see in matching pyjamas to remove it immediately and burn it.
8. Give up
There’s only so much you can do honestly. We’ll try again next year.
Who does your boss think they are? Keeping you at the office when Christmas is only a week away? Don’t worry, as always, Zikoko has a solution. These are the steps to claim your title as the boss and CEO of your life, and get the hell out of that office for the holidays.
1. Don’t show up at all
My dear, do CEOs rush for anybody? No. You arrive when you arrive because na you dey steer this ship.
2. Remove your shoes at the door
If not showing up is too much of a risk for you, it’s okay. You can do this one. Just remove your shoes at the door and walk around the office barefoot. That’s the next step to letting them know you’ve arrived this season.
3. Move your chair to the middle of the office
You can jam some music too so the office can have holiday spirit.
4. Call out his/her bullshit
Are you fucking want wo se yeye mi! Since HR is sleeping, it’s better to take matters into your own hands.
5. Stop bathing and brushing for work
You can also move into the office. You have to be committed to this thing. By the time you say good morning twice, your oga can just evacuate the place on your behalf.
6.Bring your partner to the office
There’s no reason to keep your love at bay anymore. If you need privacy, just tell the office to ask their boss to step out so you can have a bit of enjoyment while you work.
7. Host your family for the day
Remember when your boss said you were all one big family at the office? This is the time to prove that. Carry your village people with you to help out at the office. A few words of prayer and anointing oil will sanctify the office for a new year. They gonna see werey.
Try any of these steps and HR will send holiday notice before the week runs out. Then you can chill and take some Zikoko quizzes during the break!
A raft of events, festivals, and seasonal celebrations are planned to allow holidaymakers to ring in the New Year safely and enjoy the best of the destination in 2021 in style
Greater booking flexibility, automatic multi-risk travel insurance coverage with every flight, a waiver of change fees on Emirates tickets and a one month visa extension enable visitors to extend their trip to Dubai
Visitors from across the globe continue to enjoy Dubai’s leading attractions, facilities, and amenities in a safe and protected environment with stringent health and safety protocols
Almost six months on from reopening its borders to international visitors on 7th July 2020, Dubai has reaffirmed its commitment to ensuring the safety and wellbeing of its residents and holidaymakers, whilst preparing to ring in 2021 in style.
Dubai continues to take effective steps under the guidance of the visionary leadership of His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of the UAE, and Ruler of Dubai to build on the strategic initiative to reopen the city to tourists and facilitate travel while maintaining stringent health and safety protocols. With the New Year approaching, Dubai’s Department of Tourism and Commerce Marketing (Dubai Tourism) and Emirates have partnered to offer all those who have already travelled to Dubai the opportunity to extend their trip until 31st January 2021 with fees for date changes waived on flights when issued in the same travel class. Emirates is also offering a host of special fares for international travellers for bookings made by 3rd January 2021 and automatic multi-risk travel insurance coverage with every flight including cover for COVID-19 medical and in-trip quarantine costs extended for flights until 31st January 2021. In addition, tourist visas for all nationalities will be extended for one month free of charge. Now is the time for holidaymakers to make the most of their trip and experience even more of Dubai.
RING IN 2021 IN STYLE
When it comes to New Year’s countdowns, Dubai never falls short of expectations. Burj Khalifa’s breathtaking fireworks and light & laser show will be synchronized to The Dubai Fountain Show, and promises to reflect a true celebration of Dubai. Performances by international artists such as KISS at Atlantis, The Palm, Dubai as well as DJ sets promise something for everyone to enjoy.
HEAD TO THE BEACH FOR WINTER SUN
With January temperatures hovering in the mid-20s, Dubai’s beaches are perfect for those seeking winter sun. From untouched shorelines ideal for family escapes to active watersports hubs populated by windsurfers, kitesurfers and bodyboarders, Dubai has a beach for everyone.
SHOP TILL YOU DROP
Dubai Shopping Festival is now in its 26th year and is held until 30th January 2021. Malls and shopping destinations come alive with family fun and entertainment, live concerts, unique markets, art installations and stage shows. With super sales, unmissable promotions and chances to win life-changing prizes it is the perfect place for those that want to enjoy retail therapy and exciting events all set against a backdrop of stunning light and fireworks shows.
COMEDY, CULTURE AND FESTIVALS GALORE
From comedy events to retail therapy to sporting activities, Dubai offers an exciting calendar of events all held in line with the highest safety standards. During the first quarter of 2021, renowned comedian Jack Whitehall hits the stage at Dubai World Trade Centre on 13th and 14th January, whilst breakout artist Calum Scott performs hits from his debut album ‘Only Human’ at Dubai Opera on 20th January as part of Dubai Shopping Festival. Art buffs, literary fans and culture connoisseurs are also well catered for with seasonal exhibitions at trendy Alserkal Avenue as well as Emirates Airline Festival of Literature commencing on 29th January 2021.
STAY, PLAY AND WORK FROM DUBAI
If 2020 was the year of working from home, then 2021 will be the year of virtual working. With Dubai having announced the new virtual working programme, now is the time to take the plunge and work from one of the world’s most connected cities. Entrepreneurs and flexible workers can extend their holiday and experience great quality of life and have access to convenient facilities and resources to help them further their career or grow their business.
His Excellency Helal Saeed Almarri, Director General, Dubai’s Department of Tourism and Commerce Marketing (Dubai Tourism), said: “The remarkable vision and leadership of His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of UAE and Ruler of Dubai has been a huge inspiration to us, leading to the decisive and effective management of the pandemic. With 2021 on the horizon, we look forward to continuing to welcome first time and repeat visitors to Dubai, with stringent health protocols and precautionary measures firmly in place. We are pleased to continue to work closely with our strategic partners Emirates, as well as our hospitality partners, allowing holidaymakers to experience the vibrant energy of Dubai and all our iconic attractions, fantastic culinary and shopping experiences, and exciting festivals and events with added reassurance and flexibility.”
Adnan Kazim, Emirates’ Chief Commercial Officer said: “Emirates has worked closely with all Dubai stakeholders to gradually restore our network and signature services, with all bio-safety measures in place. Since Dubai re-opened for international visitors, we’ve been seeing an upward trend in enquiries and bookings which reflects the confidence that travellers have in Dubai and in Emirates. Today, Emirates is flying to nearly 100 cities across the world, providing easy access to Dubai for international travellers and offering a world class travel experience. Together with our strategic partner Dubai Tourism, we’re extending that experience with even more attractive offers, and the assurance of travel flexibility and care. We look forward to welcoming more visitors to Dubai in 2021.”
Alexander Lee, Jumeirah Group’s Chief Commercial Officer said: “The opening of Dubai in July 2020 to international visitors had an incredibly positive impact on Jumeirah’s bookings from a number of overseas markets, a trend that has continued ever since. We are attributing this to both the breadth of offer we have here in Dubai, particularly our 2km private beachfront with its extensive pool, dining and spa offering, but also the certified health and safety measures in place for guest peace of mind, including Dubai Tourism’s Dubai Assured programme. Six of our hotels in Dubai have furthermore received the prestigious Bureau Veritas Safeguard Label, which we believe has gone a long way in helping to restore confidence for international travelers. As we move into 2021, we are looking forward to welcoming more international guests to experience our renowned hospitality, in particular our culinary experiences, such as French Riviera, our French Mediterranean concept on the beach at Jumeirah Al Qasr, and most recently SAL, a chic new beach concept and striking Southern European dining destination on The Terrace at Burj Al Arab Jumeirah.”
Tim Kelly, Executive Vice President and Managing Director, Atlantis Dubai said: “His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum, Vice President and Prime Minister of UAE and Ruler of Dubai’s directive to extend tourist visas for one additional month without any government fees, represents a clear reflection of Dubai government’s generous support to help tourists to spend a stress-free new year’s holiday in Dubai.”
“At Atlantis, The Palm we are ending 2020 with a bang with the world’s largest ever live-streamed event by rock legends KISS, together with a record-breaking firework and pyrotechnic display – the likes of which have yet to be seen – while, of course, maintaining stringent health and safety protocols. In line with Emirates’ special January fares, and the events lined up by Dubai Tourism across the emirate, Atlantis is also unlocking a host of exclusive offers for guests staying five nights or more from 2nd January to 30th April 2021 with its January sale. These include an array of adventures for guests to start ticking off their bucketlists for 2021, with international guests also benefitting from complimentary in-resort PCR tests.”
Mark Willis, Chief Executive Officer, Accor India, Turkey, Middle East & Africa said: “It is clear that 2020 has been a year of challenges for the tourism and hospitality industry, however, as it comes to an end, it is very encouraging to see some positive business levels during the past few months, especially in the Dubai market. With a portfolio of more than 45 hotels in the city, brands ranging from economy, with Ibis and Novotel, to luxury with Raffles and Fairmont, Accor properties in Dubai have seen a positive trend from local tourism with an increase in demand for “staycations”, as well as a positive increase in stays from a number of regional and international visitors. The uptake in both of these markets has been mainly possible due to the vision, planning and quick implementation by the Dubai government, which quickly established Dubai on the map, even more than before, as a safe and secure destination for tourists to visit.
We are confident that with the ongoing safety precautions, which are being strictly implemented throughout our hotels and the city, alongside the large number of events and attractions that will be taking place in 2021, Dubai will continue to see positive signs in the market, which will also enable us to continue to open more hotels throughout the year, including the Rixos Dubai Hotel & Suites Jewel of the Creek in Deira and the SLS Dubai Hotel & Residences to name a few”.
Going into 2021, Dubai will continue to strengthen its offering for leisure visitors with new attractions and hotels in the pipeline. In addition, Dubai will see the return of world-class events and festivals including Dubai Shopping Festival, Dubai Food Festival, and in October 2021, Dubai will play host to the first ever World Expo to be held in this region.
About Dubai’s Department of Tourism and Commerce Marketing (Dubai Tourism)
With the ultimate vision of positioning Dubai as the world’s leading tourism destination and commercial hub, Dubai Tourism’s mission is to increase the awareness of Dubai among global audiences and to attract tourists and inward investment into the emirate. Dubai Tourism is the principal authority for the planning, supervision, development and marketing of Dubai’s tourism sector. It markets and promotes the Emirate’s commerce sector and is responsible for the licensing and classification of all tourism services, including hotels, tour operators and travel agents. Brands and departments within the Dubai Tourism portfolio include Dubai Business Events, Dubai Calendar, and Dubai Festivals and Retail Establishment.
Christmas as an adult is less fun than as a kid. Although the emotions are similar, every adult knows that the difference is they are responsible for how everything turns out to be.
This makes Christmas a daunting season for many because of the expectations and family drama associated with it. Furthermore, while a child always expects to receive gifts at this time an adult is required to give instead. Here are some things that make Christmas a different experience altogether:
Decorations and food are on you:
Being a child comes with the assurance that Christmas dishes will always be available because someone provides them. Now, however, you’re not so sure if you’ll be able to have the good old Christmas rice and chicken available on the D-day, so you’re working double-time to ensure that you don’t end up drinking only water on Christmas day.
You’re gonna have to rethink attending those parties because they are a money drain:
When you were a kid it was all about wearing new clothes and having your hair done for Christmas so you could attend your friend’s party, you also had to present at your school’s Christmas carol, church carol and drama presentations.
Nowadays though, things have changed for you, now you have to think about the monetary aspects of these. The number of church groups you’re in determines the monetary contributions you’ll make, there are concert tickets to think of, you also need to buy drink vouchers at that ticket-free event. And let’s not forget the family reunion that has you buying more clothes, shoes, and foodstuff than you need
The emperor’s new clothes are on you:
Let’s be honest, all you were really bothered about when you were younger was if you were gonna get that video game you really wanted or if your mother would let you go on the slide and bouncy castle while you eat cotton candy. Christmas clothes were the last things on your mind because you knew you’d always have something new to wear.
But now you have grown and you have to buy all those stuff yourself. And it’s more than usual because there are even more places that require your presence. Some are themed parties that require specific clothes you’ll never wear again after the event.
Now you are the one buying presents:
Remember those times you anticipated visits from your aunts and uncles because of the presents you’d receive? Haha, now you are the aunt/uncle and you have to buy presents for those cute babies your siblings and cousins wouldn’t stop birthing. Think of when you have your own kids too–no excuses then either.
You’re gonna have to rethink your travel plans:
Travelling is no longer an excuse for an excursion, you don’t even get excited by the sights. You’ve been disillusioned by adulthood so much you only see potholes and experience road rage.
You also think of the double fees you are gonna have to cough up for that flight ticket because you know everything gets more expensive during Christmas (why do merchants complain of being broke in January too?).
You’ve got your boss and coworkers to think about:
As a child, it was guaranteed that you only had to give your friends, parents, and siblings gifts but now you have to think about a whole village when buying presents.
Not only will you be visiting the orphanage, giving to the less privileged, giving your family and giving church donations, you will also be giving your boss and colleagues Christmas presents, even those you hate and no, nobody appreciates handcrafted gifts anymore, please.
Trying to be on the good graces of your employees:
Because you know how they will look at you if you don’t throw an office party and you don’t give them their bags of rice and bonuses.
They don’t want to hear about how prices of things have skyrocketed during Buhari’s tenure, just give them their groundnut oil abeg.
Command performance at family reunions that have you screaming on the inside:
Attending family events as a kid was such fun because you got to run around and play, eat lots of food, get many presents and attention from your older relations.
However, the adult version can be horrific, because this is a time you have to show what you’ve been doing all year and you don’t want your IJGB cousin stealing away your spotlight. You also don’t want that other cousin who couldn’t look you in the eyes a few years ago monopolizing the conversation now that he has a chieftaincy title.
On Thursday, we all couldn’t wait for the day to be over, because fasting had come to an end and we were finally going to get that short holiday we deserve.
If you didn’t go home this excited, then I don’t know
There are the ones who slept from the time they got home till the day they resumed work. Almost all of us fall under this category.
Ha! This sleep will be tired of me today
The ones who didn’t get any sleep because they wanted to use enjoyment to kill themselves.
Please I just have to turn up with my guys
The ones who made plans to turn up all week but ended up spending the whole weekend at home.
Because if you stay at home, you don’t spend money.
Let’s not forget the ones who left their house to look for ramadan meat.
But realised this isn’t that season. Tragic.
This is the time we know those who can complete 15 series in one day.
” Me and this movies will die on the line today “
There’s also those people who were on their phone all weekend, watching the people who went to turn up on instagram.
“I should have just gone out oh “
The workaholics who continued to work from home.
Oga you better don’t kill yourself
The ones who just watched nothing but the World Cup every day.
What a sweet match
The ones who were just on their phones doing absolutely nothing.
” where’s my phone? oh it’s in my hand “
Finally, there’s the people who can’t relate to any one of these so far.
1. When you realise you have a public holiday following the weekend, so you have a 3 or 4 day weekend.
Somebody praise the lord!
2. Make sure you ignore your boss’s emails asking you to “treat as urgent” anything that will mean you have to work over the weekend.
Better get out!
3. This should be your reply to any invitation over the weekend, where there is food.
“I will be there!”
4. You preparing for the sort of sleep that ignores your alarm clock.
The most enjoyable sleep there is!
5. When you see your church members coming to invite you for any long church programme.
Not on seat oh!
6. Tell all your family members you are travelling so they don’t bring their wahala to “visit” you.
Stay in your own houses please!
7. Throw away your debit card so you don’t subject yourself to a life of poverty after the weekend.
Before you spend too much money.
8. If your ex calls you, don’t pick up the phone.
It can never be for anything good.
If you enjoyed this, then you’ll definitely love “Hustle”, an amazing new dramedy on Africa Magic Urban that follows the antics of Dayo, a JJC to the city of Lagos! Catch it on Africa Magic Urban 153 at 21:30 CAT (8.30pm Nigerian time) from October 3, 2016.
