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It might’ve rained a bit, but there’s still no light. If we’re being honest, the rain hasn’t done much to cancel our suspicion that someone is dragging this nation to hell or to replace Mercury in proximity to the sun.
In summary, it’s hot AF, but these essentials will keep you from melting.
A good rechargeable fan
The emphasis here is on “good”. What’s the point of a rechargeable fan that needs to be plugged to a power bank before it gives two hours of cool breeze? It either comes correct or not at all, please.
Nivea Deo Dry
See, this heat will make you sweat, and wearing the lightest of clothes won’t prevent that. But you don’t need to look or smell like your problem — sweat stains are so 1999. Stock up on Nivea Dry Range deodorants to stay fresh for longer.
Money
I refuse to believe the same heat flogging us mere mortals is the same heat dealing with the people in Banana Island. Okay, wait. Banana-Island-money is a stretch. Let’s focus on getting money to buy air conditioners or even something at the mall so you can enjoy mall AC small.
The prayers of your ancestors
We might think it’s a joke, but someone out there might be actually dragging this nation to the flames of hell. Start praying to your ancestors so their plan won’t work. Add some bonus prayers to touch NEPA’s heart so they do the needful too. We can’t be battling heat and no light at the same time.
Running water
Because bathing twice a day was for Harmattan. Now, you have to consider three times and above.
Pro tip: Using the Nivea Dry Range deodorants will keep you feeling dry and fresh for longer, so you won’t have to spend all your time in the bathroom.
A rich partner
Specifically, a partner who has a car with a working AC. Trust me, you DO NOT want to drag danfo buses in these perilous times. Or, even worse, having to sit beside sweaty people who haven’t discovered Nivea Dry Deo.
A freezer
In the hot season, your freezer isn’t just for freezing food items, it can also serve as a makeshift bed when the heat wants to take your life. Are we asking you to sleep in a functioning freezer? Nah. Where’s the light for that? But at least, the freezer lid will still be slightly cool without electricity. So, sleep away.
PS: If you don’t get any other thing on this list, you see that Nivea Dry Range deodorant? It shouldn’t be missing from your essentials. You’ll thank us later.
The way Nigeria is hot right now, there’s no point doubting if the last Nigerians who went to hellfire left the gates open. They threw that shit wild ajar and left us to cook in our bodily fluids.
But we know just how to win this battle and get your beauty sleep despite it all.
On your tiled floor
Before you say it’s giving sufferhead, think about it. What part of your house stays cool no matter how hot it is? Exactly. To really enjoy this spot, strip naked first.
On your deep freezer
If the floor doesn’t appeal to you, consider sleeping on top of your deep freezer. The metal exterior is a good conductor of heat. It’ll absorb the heat from your body and make your skin cool.
Or inside it
With PHCN’s epileptic power supply, there’s no point storing food inside your freezer. It won’t get cold enough to preserve shit. But what’s to say it cannot keep you cool? Just make sure you tell your family members where you are. That way, you’ll rest in peace without the fear of freezing to death when the light returns.
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Your balcony
You might think it’s a joke, but once you spend that first night outside, you’ll relocate your bedroom to the balcony.
The bathroom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. If you run there to pour water on your head when heat threatens to take your life, you might as well spend the night there.
Inside your gated compound
You already spread your mattress outside when it’s wet or you want to roast the bedbugs in it. So, it won’t be a strange occurrence when you leave it there permanently. Just wait for your neighbours to go to bed at night, and return with your blanket and cover cloth.
On the roof
Whether it’s the roof of your house or the roof of your car, that mattress will stay on it and cool breeze will cuddle you throughout the night. But please, avoid these spots if you stir in your sleep.
Zikoko hears the commotion on the other side of the hotel room door before it opens and NEPA enters.
Zikoko: Are you not hot?
Nepa: Is that how they greet your elders where you’re from?
Nepa takes the seat opposite Zikoko.
Zikoko: You’re wearing agbada and fila in this heat? The greeting can wait, Sir.
Nepa: Small heat that is outside?
Zikoko: The heat is inside, too.
Nepa: Where? My friend, blast the AC and let us hear word.
Zikoko: With which light?
Nepa: Ehn, if there’s no light you can on your gen nau. Abi, are you a JJC?
Nepa opens a bottle of champagne and pours himself a glass which he offers to Zikoko.
Nepa: You want?
Zikoko: I want us to talk about the light issue.
Nepa: There’s no issue. We’re just on a small break.
Zikoko: Ehn?
Nepa: Don’t they go on breaks in your office?
We have gone off. If you people don’t like it, go and hug a transformer.
Zikoko:
Nepa: Relax! There’s no light. Nothing will happen to you. The whole system is doing one kind because of the contract staff we hired. Give us some time, and we’ll be back.
Zikoko: Like how long?
Nepa:
Ehn, some time. It’s not like I don’t want to work o. It’s just that I’m a very busy man.
Zikoko: Even right now that you’re on a break?
Nepa: Of course.
He takes a sip of his champagne.
Nepa: I’m into import and export, supply and demand.
Zikoko: Then, supply us with electricity nau
Nepa: Come, don’t make me angry. I said we have gone on a break. When you people were going on your December break, shebi, they allowed you.
Zikoko: So you decided to go on your break in February when they’ve dragged us to sit at Satan’s right hand in hell?
Nepa: God forbid. You and who are sitting with Satan? Look, I am Nepa, I can do whatever I want. Plus, the national grid needs to rest. Shebi you people kept complaining that it was breaking down. I’ve given him a break. You’re welcome.
Zikoko: But the heat and lack of electricity is almost as bad as that Indomie and bread combo.
Zikoko pauses and looks around.
Zikoko: How does this place even have light? Is it gen?
Nepa: Generator? In my building? No o. Steady power supply.
Zikoko: If you’re giving this place electricity, then share some with the rest of the country. Do you like how they’re insulting you?
Nepa: Insulting who? They’re not insulting me o. They’re insulting “the Neps”.
Zikoko:
Sir, why did you ask me to come here?
Nepa: That’s the question you should’ve started with. You’d have saved us all this back and forth.
They hear a knock at the door.
Nepa: Ehen, he’s here. Come in.
The door opens and a man walks in with a big carton in his hand.
Zikoko: Did it get hotter in here?
Zikoko fans themselves. furiously. Nepa looks up at the man.
Nepa: You’re always doing too much. Zikoko meet Heat.
Heat:
Zikoko: Ehn? What does that even… Why is he even…
Nepa: Shebi you people are looking for who to insult? Insult him.
Nepa gets up and brings the content of the box out one by one.
Nepa: Me, I’m just selling my generator batteries.
Zikoko:
Nepa: Any type you want, I have it.
Zikoko: This… this is what you brought me here for? This is what you left your job for?
Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
There’s no light, fuel is expensive, and the harmattan is confused. So, we’re left with nothing but to deal with this scary heat.
It’s so hot that everything on this list stands no chance of competing with this heat.
You
You’re so physically attractive that you make others feel insecure. But, my dear, I have some news for you: The heat in town has taken your spot. Now all you can do is cry about the Neps with all of us.
Miami Heat
If you think the American basketball team is the hottest thing ever, you don’t know ball. This is not 2013 when they had Dwayne Wade and LeBron James, and could easily win a 7 game series. The hot weather wins this round, (it doesn’t have injured players).
Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:
Ibadan Micra taxis
The Micra taxis in Ibadan see the sun more than everyone every day. The heat inside it is even incomparable. But the heat outside right now can melt it down to a mass of purple and yellow if it stays too long.
Dangote’s phone in 2021
The resulting hotness of Dangote’s phone from non-stop calls and messages after his ass leaked online was probably enough to make coffee. But this heat can cosplay as hell’s kitchen. The heat wins.
Samsung Note 7
Samsung Note 7 phones gained notoriety from its overheating and exploding batteries in 2016, but the heat currently combating us in Nigeria? It’ll beat out of you all the “waters” Tyla sang about. And when you lose your breath, what’s next?
That one Sheyman and Dr. Pat song
Remember the hot Sheyman’s and Dr. Pat’s song that went, “I’m hotter than fire, give me some water” in 2009? But is it hotter than anything out right now, talk more of this heat wave?
Hotter than fire una
Hell
We’ve not been to hell, but what this heat has unleashed is hotter than Gerald Johnson’s description of it. At least, Rihanna’s Umbrella plays in hell, this Nigerian heat screams, “Get right with God!”
With the way Nigeria is hot, you’d think Hell was full so they brought some of the fire here. Since people have been complaining of the heat, we decided to tell you ten ways you can stay cool.
1) Become a rainmaker
You think it’s a joke, but once you become a rainmaker you can summon the rain as you wish and cool your head. The only problem with this is your clothes might get wet, a lot. Wet clothes are a small price to pay if you ask us.
2) Japa
Simply buy a plane ticket and travel to countries that are in winter. The weather is so cold that heat will be the last thing on your mind. Wahala for who no get money to travel sha.
3) Change the weather on your phone
It’s all a matter of perception right? If you edit the weather on your phone, your brain will think it’s cold and as such, you won’t feel heat.
4) Become a mermaid
Once you become a mermaid, you can swim in the cold rivers and oceans for as long as you want. The only problem is that they may think you’ve become an agent of darkness.
5) Sleep in NEPA office
Pikin wey say papa no go sleep, the pikin sef no go sleep. Since they’ve refused to give you light to cope, be sleeping in their office every night until you get the light. By the time you camp there for seven days in a row, they’d meet your demands.
NEPA officials to you
6) Car AC
If you have a car, simply just sit in there with the AC on. You can work from there, sleep there, even eat there. Yes, fuel is expensive, but na who never melt dey queue for fuel.
7) Go to the bank
The best part about banks is not the television that always plays CNN, but instead the cold AC. Just sit down in the banking hall and receive cool air. It’s kuku your money.
8) Nap in your fridge
With the amount of money you’re spending on fuel, you better get your money’s worth. When you put on your fridge, you can try having a nap inside. You’re taking chilling with the big boys to a brand new level.
9) Beg Nigerians to stop fornicating so much
The friction from all the fornication Nigerians are doing is probably the number one cause of heat in this country. If you beg Nigerians to stop fornicating, the temperature will go back to normal and everyone will be fine. Also, if you’re one of the people fornicating, stop. Please. Before all of us melt and die.
10) Purchase a ticket to heaven
If hell is hot, then heaven must be cold. That’s why you need to find whoever is selling tickets to heaven and obtain for you and your loved ones. At least in heaven they don’t take light. Everlasting AC.
What will help us stay cool is money, so please send us some
“I never get light for two days. Na wetin concern me concern global warming?”
– The Average Nigerian
People caring about the world and the environment
With all of the problems in your life as a young Nigerian, you might believe that the climate emergency is a first world issue. But of your current challenges — Buhari’s ministerial list, un(der)employment, your laziness as a Nigerian youth — nothing is more pressing and affects all areas of your life, quite like the climate emergency. Nothing. Its effects are both immediate and far reaching. Let’s list them shall we?
1. Heat
Does your skin burn up the minute you step outside? Do you feel like you’re in a pressure cooker when you’re really just in a bus going to collect knacks? Have you abandoned knacks because it’s just too hot to fuck?
It’s not guilt doing you in. It’s the earth heating up. July 2019 was the hottest month ever recorded on earth. And it will get worse. The days will get hotter, heat waves more frequent. Knacks are not the only thing your body will lose. Increased temperatures lead to dehydration, heat strokes, respiratory problems and deaths. “The sun hot, the sun hot” can and may actually kill you.
2. Air
But then there’s a breeze to cool you down. Fresh air. Bliss. For where? The trees have been cut down. The air you’re breathing is bad. 10/10 would not recommend. Close your nose.
Nigeria has some of the most polluted cities in the world. If you live in Onitsha, Port Harcourt, Agbara, you know this to be true. There’s soot in the sky and “dust” falling on your body—except it’s not dust, and that’s just the one your eyes can see.
PM2.5 the smallest, most dangerous particulate has been found in Nigeria’s air and is already chilling in your lungs. You don’t even have to be living in Port Harcourt to be in danger.
Breathing polluted air can cause respiratory problems like asthma and lung cancer. You are also at the risk of ventricular hypertrophy and psychological complications. The polluted air you’re breathing in is also worsening your mental health.
Oh, by the way, you can open your nose now. Take a breath and when you’re ready, dive in. Let’s talk about water.
3. Water
With the climate emergency comes an increase in the volume and frequency of rainfall. Add that to the loss of soil cover and water shed by felling of trees and you have Nigeria with 99 problems and water definitely at number one. Communities like Erah lose their houses to heavy rainfall. The streets in Benin, Abuja and other cities are flooded, carrying in their currents, debris, cars, and big men.
Guess what is a densely populated coastal city, with borehole pumps attached to most buildings, infamous traffic gridlocks, untreated wastewater, and is sinking at a rate of up to 25 centimeters a year with a projected loss of about 95 percent of the city’s northern surface to the sea by 2050? Jakarta, Indonesia. But if you thought Lagos, Nigeria, you wouldn’t be too far off the mark. The similarities between the two cities are uncanny. And despite this increase in rainfall in some parts, how weird is it that water is actually running out in others?
4. Food
Your face when you realise that climate change will eventually result in food shortage
This brings us to food. Nigeria’s agricultural production is gravely affected by a myriad of climate emergency originated problems. Flooding, drought, unhealthy polluted soil, conflict, rise in temperature leading to an increase in pests and more. The pressure on land use and overpopulation completes the very likely picture of increased food insecurity. And with a lack of proper nutrition comes bad health.
5. Health
Extreme weather conditions lead to ill health. Fighting to survive these disasters lead to minor, serious, sometimes fatal injuries. Flooding increases water borne diseases. Polluted air causes respiratory illnesses as well as lung cancer. Increased temperatures lead to heat strokes, dehydration and more. Effects of the climate emergency also affect fetal and child development. The climate emergency fucks up your mental health. It is associated with conditions like anxiety, depression, PTSD, substance use disorder and suicidal ideation.
6. War
The buzzword conflicts you know about, that lead to loss of lives and destruction of property, are actually fueled by the effects of the climate emergency. Changing rainfall patterns in the northern and middle belt limit the grazing area of herders who then encroach on land of farmers leading to severe, deathly gbas gbos.
“In the Niger Delta, militant groups are attacking oil infrastructure, partially motivated by conflict over rights to land and waterways. Oil spills into waterways also contribute to food insecurity and malnutrition in this region.”
Even Boko Haram whose initial support stemmed from frustrations over northern citizen’s access to basic amenities, uses water as a weapon, poisoning the water sources of its opposition.
According to the Notre Dame Global Adaptation Index, Nigeria is ranked as the 22nd least ready country to deal with the impacts of climate change. Luckily, we’ve highlighted the changes you need to make in your little corner in the world. But first know this and know this well:
But keep your IELTS money first. Lol. Even after the Yahoovictus wahala blows over and these countries start begrudgingly giving you visa again, where you wan go? Why do you think they put the global in global warming? To decorate it? The climate emergency is fucking up cities and countries the world over. Everybody go hear am. Probably not like Nigeria sha but a visa will not save you from the climate emergency.
Help yourself
I’m sorry to have been so grim in the earlier parts of this gist. Ask everyone who knows me, that’s not my real face. It’s just condition that made crayfish to bend. But I’m back to being positive now.
So, while the bad news is that glaciers are melting, sea levels rising, forests burning, cities sinking, desert expanding, the air making you mental, the good news is you may not die. You can act to reduce the impact of the climate emergency.
Here’s how.
We plenty. Not only is Nigeria’s population large and growing, a majority of that population are young-ins like you and I. That is to say, whatever changes we make as individuals adds up to a significant sum as a collective. You, and the actions you take, matter.
Lifestyle change
Now I must tell you something that will annoy you. You are not the primary culprit in this climate emergency wahala. The Americas and UKs and France and Germanys, Shells and Exxonmobils, Coca Cola, Pepsi, Nestle, Unilevers of the world are the major bad guys and that’s the truth. Although you and your government still join small sha.
While the major ways to combat this menace include a halt to burning of fossil fuel, deforestation, plastic packaging etc., for this article I will focus on the things you and I can do right now to make a difference.
First first, drop the single use plastic Lacasera bottle in your hand. Stop buying it. The ones you already drank and discarded you’re going to be inhaling and eating as micro plastics for a very very long time. E don do.
Now, lifestyle choices. Travel, fast fashion, agriculture, these are some of the largest culprits of greenhouse gas emissions. And these are areas where we can make a difference. Walk to your destination as often as possible. Buy a bicycle. Try to carpool. Enter BRT/Oshiomole buses as much as possible. Buy thrift clothes. Give out clothes you no longer need. Don’t buy as much clothes as often.
“It’s not okrika, it’s vintage you uncultured swine, now comot hand from my cloth,”
said a city boy with sense.
Rethink waste culture. #ShopUsed. A thing you are done with is not necessarily done for. Be adventurous with food. By that I mean try to enjoy food without meat in it. I know. I know. But what will it profit Amenze to eat fire burger every day from Tuckshop and lose the world? Just sha try to find joy in non-meat meals.
See, young people already dictate culture, influence policy, company strategy, drive innovation, tell our stories. As we climb our career ladders, we must use the resources available to us for the environmental good. And we must do it together, as a community.
The climate emergency threatens all of the very fundamentals of life. It threatens our access to food, air, water, shelter. The math is simple. If we do not act, we will suffer, many will die. We still have a tiny window. It’s the day after the deadline, when the best work gets done anyway, so let’s double up and get to work.
Nigeria is very hot! And what makes it more unbearable is that there’s no light to even power air conditioners or electric fans. On top of that, there’s no fuel to power generators even though some people have been making false promises.
A Twitter user, @Zebbook, shared 11 hilarious responses Nigerians should expect from Nigerian politicians concerning the heat in Nigeria:
Journalist: “What are your thoughts on this heat Nigerians are complaining about, and what is the government doing about it?”
2. Lai Mohammed: “This is the result of PDP’s misrule, they stole the ozone layer”.
3. Femi Adesina: “Mr President promised us change, and that includes change in temperature. Change is here, embrace change”.
4. Akinwumi Ambode: “We have signed a $10 million deal with LG to install air conditioning across the Lagos skyline”.
5. Ibe Kachikwu: “I assure you that this heat will disappear by 2pm on 29th May”.
6. Bukola Saraki: “Tinubu wanted the heat to be more than this, but I opposed him out of my love for Nigeria and that’s why they are witch hunting me”.
7. Goodluck Jonathan: “The heat was not this bad when I left power, but Nigerians did not appreciate me”.
8. Adams Oshiomhole: “Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala stole the N100 billion meant for temperature control research”.
9. Nasir El-Rufai: “We’re in talks with General Electric to see how they can generate power from this heat”.
10. Rauf Aregbesola: “I just approved payment of January salary so Osun workers can buy hand fans”.
11. Aliko Dangote: “Next week, we are commissioning the Dangote fan factory. By 2030, Australia will be buying fans from us”.
12. Ben Bruce: *Tweets* “When Naira is weak and inflation is high automatically there will be heat. This is common sense”.
I take it that you’re here because you love to smell great. You’re also wondering how to maintain your “great scent” street credibility while battling the heat and your sweat (that lowkey looks like it can give Lagos floods a run for its money).
You’re in the right place. Keep reading.
Start in the bathroom
All great journeys start with a single step. In this case, a good shower is the first foundation in your fight against heat and body odour. And by shower, we don’t mean you should just pour water on your body. The plan is to make your scent last longer, so invest in a scented bar or liquid soap.
Moisturise
I know what you’re thinking. Rub cream in this heat?! Yes. Hydrated skin retains fragrances because it locks the scent in. Just look for a lightweight moisturiser and get to work.
Use a Nivea Dry Range deodorant
Sometimes, even the lightest of lightweight moisturisers don’t stand a chance against the Nigerian sun, but you know what will keep you fresh, dry AND smelling great all day? Niveo Dry deodorants.
Layer your scents
Think of it as two-factor authentication.
Pro tip: Use the Nivea Dry Fresh Spray immediately after showering, apply a light moisturiser and then spray again. Then finish off with a Nivea roll-on. Let me see the heat that wants to keep you from smelling great.
Project your inner baddie
Now is the time to wear the lightest, skimpiest clothes in your wardrobe. You need as much fresh air as you can get. If your Nigerian mother wants to talk, tell her you’re fighting the heat. She can’t argue with that.
Say a quick “NO” to anything that’ll keep you in the sun
Even if it’s your job. You don’t want to sweat and lose all the progress you’ve made. Trust me, it’s better to be an unemployed person who smells heavenly.
Or just carry a fan everywhere
If you absolutely need to work to afford food, there are other options apart from quitting your job. You can also carry a portable fan everywhere to stay dry. Or better still, keep a Niveo Dry Range deodorant or spray in your bag. At least, that one doesn’t require power to work, and you’ll stay fresh for longer.
