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  • A Zikoko Guide: How To Steal Without Getting Caught

    Tough times are lasting and as such desperate times call for desperate measures. We all want to steal, but the idea of prison doesn’t seem sexy. That’s why we helped create a guide that teaches you to steal without getting caught. Stay thieving.

    1) Be Invisible

    Find a way to turn yourself invisible. How you do it is not our problem, but just find out how to do it. How will they catch you if they can’t see you?

    man tapping his head and asking people to think

    2) Dress like a masquerade

    Who wants to accuse a masquerade of being a thief? The best part about dressing as a masquerade is that there is enough space inside their ensembles for you to hide what you steal. Not only is the masquerade outfit a cloaking device, but also a storage facility. Best of both worlds.

    how to mix cream

    3) Be a Nigerian politician

    Nigerian politicians are the ultimate thieves. That’s why if you don’t want to get caught, that’s where to be. Pad a budget or two, divert national funding, have some ghost workers and then you’re rolling in billions. If you really don’t want to be caught, then you should belong to the same party as the President. That way, if they do make the mistake of catching you, you’d have Presidential protection.

    4) Be the first to shout “ole”

    If they’re chasing you while you’re running, then just turn around and start chasing them instead. While you’re running after them, don’t forget to shout Ole!

    5) Rub oil all over your body

    The statement “as slippery as an eel” is not for beans. To steal without getting caught, you need to embody the spirit of an eel. That’s why you have to rub oil on our body. That way, anyone that tries to catch you will lose their grip. All oils are welcome, except for palm oil. If you use palm oil, they might catch you.

    6) Spiritual robbery

    Another time they can’t catch you is when you steal in the spirit. Spiritual stealing does not translate to being caught in the physical world.

    7) Steal stolen money

    If you steal the money someone else has stolen, then they’re unable to report you and get you arrested. Sure, they might spiritually deal with you or gather people to beat you, but that doesn’t matter. As long as you’re not in prison.

    [donation]

    For more on what is inside this life, please click here

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • A Zikoko Guide To Being A Backbone

    As a woman, you need to hinge your existence on a man. You need to be his ribs, neck and more importantly, his backbone. We even have a Quiz to help you determine if you are a rib, neck or backbone. If you are a woman who struggles with being a bone, don’t worry. Zikoko has curated a guide with illustrations on how you can become a backbone.

    1. You must forgive all cheating

    As a backbone, it is your responsibility to forgive your man when he cheats. Ordinary cheating should not make you abandon your backbone post. NO! If he comes home with lipstick stains, buy that shade of lipstick so it can match his shirts. Forgive your wayward man.

    2. You must become a proverbs 31 woman

    If you read that scripture, it will arm you with the knowledge you require to be a backbone. I have taken the liberty to illustrate some of the highlights in that chapter.

    3. Give up on your dreams for your man

    Dreams are for brains, not spinal cords. Your dreams are valid but not as valid as your man’s dreams. Do the needful, give up on yourself and your individuality and become a backbone.

    4. All your savings and earnings must go to your man

    What are you using money for? Sis, give that funds to your man. He needs it more. If he’s generous, he will give you the amount that is sufficient for all your needs. Men make better financial decisions so why not trust your man with your life savings?

    5. Buy him protection

    When there’s a guy’s night out, slip your man a condom so that he can stay protected from these street hoes. It shows that you care about his sexual needs. Plus, by protecting him, you are also protecting yourself from an STI. Stay woke.

    6. Watch Tyler Perry movies to build stamina

    You need to expose yourself to content that prepares you for the suffering that comes with being a backbone. What better set of content is out there than Tyler Perry’s movies. Watching black women get put through unnecessary suffering builds character.

    [donation]

    Eris Ekanem

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  • The Comprehensive Guide To Flirting Like A Married Nigerian Man

    Welcome to this masterclass. Please take a seat and listen attentively. Here are a few tips to use to beat Nigerian men at their own game.

    1) Tell the person not to call you by a formal title.

    Emphasize that they call you by your first name because we are all “adults” here.

    2) Deny your wife and kids.

    Raise your voice and look hurt if it’s ever insinuated that you’re married.

    3) If you don’t deny your family, deflect every time the subject comes up.

    Special use: “It’s complicated. Can we talk about something else? Thinking about it makes me sad.”

    4) Sprinkle “I love you” in the conversation every 10 minutes.

    Go big or go home.

    5) Declare your love interest greater than any other commitment you have in life.

    Especially greater than the one you made to your family. Ready to risk it all beb.

    6) Say you wish you met her before meeting your wife.

    Make sure you swear by whatever you believe in.

    7) If all fails, beg and guilt trip.

    Example: “Is it a crime that I love you so much? Is it is a crime that I can’t control my feelings for you? And I even prayed about it.”

    Hassan Yahaya

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  • 1. First of all, you must have a backup girlfriend or boyfriend.

    2. You can’t tell your babe you don’t have money; don’t you know how to steal or do yahoo yahoo?

    https://twitter.com/WilfredSimonJr/status/777049287121313792

    3. You can’t be waiting for the right person: grab the wrong one like hot cake!

    4. If your girlfriend is mad at you, we advise you NOT TO BREATHE! She will kill you!

    5. Tell him you’re allergic to food whenever he takes you out.

    https://twitter.com/nangutikevin/status/777055193418625024

    6. Never ask your babe to pay the bills: you can sweep the restaurant or wash plates.

    https://twitter.com/ElviSymo/status/777055379616305152

    7. You can’t use earphones if you’re single, how will you hear people toasting you?

    8. Don’t even try buying your girl flowers, who flowers epp?

    https://twitter.com/thetruesherif/status/777070563563110400

    9. Even if the hair is rubbish, just says it’s fine.

    10. If you’re single, stand outside your house where people can see and toast you.

    https://twitter.com/sthamancu/status/777087682732298244

    11. Don’t text your crush first, you’ll look desperate.

    12. ‘Broke’ cannot exist in your dictionary, you have to be rich by force.

    Shola

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  • The Complete Guide to Dropping A Hit Nigerian Song

    1. All Nigerian songs sound the same, so tell people who you are.

    Wizkid has “Yaga!”; Olamide has “Badoo”; and D’banj has “I’m D’Banj”.

    one

    Start all your songs with it.

    2. Next has to be “Sarz on the beat” or “It’s Young Jon the Wicked Producer” or “It’s Don Jazzy again” or “Shizzzzzzyyyyy”.

    Because when Nigerians hear one of these, they automatically start paying attention.

    3. Find a really catchy, er, catchphrase.

    It doesn’t really need to make sense in any language, in fact, it is preferable if it doesn’t.

     1

    Who the hell knows what Shakitibobo means? Or Shekininini or Burukutu or Koko or Saramara or Sekem?

    4. Make sure your lyrics repeat themselves ad nauseum.

     2

    Like “Oya clap for Dyna, osanna…clap for Dyna, osanna.”

     3

    Or “Personally. Persona-personally.”

     5

    Or “Do me, do me, do me, do me, do me, do me, do me, do me.”

    4

     Or “Caro he ba (x 82)”. Yeah we counted.

     6

    5. Don’t forget to add butts.

     

    Take lessons from Timaya on Ukwu and the aptly titled, Bumbum.

    6. Be sure to call out your haters.

    If you don’t have, make them up. Listen to how M.I did it on Beef, Olamide on Shakitibobo and Timaya on EVERY song, ever.

     

    I mean, it’s your first song, you probably don’t have haters yet, but no one knows that.

    7. And never forget to respect your niggas.

    Fuji musicians invented it. Yinka Ayefele perfected it. Then Wizkid disrupted it.

     

    Remember Fashola eleniyan, Tinubu eleniyan. You don’t have to know them personally. Just plug them in.

    8. Make sure Clarence Peters shoots your video.

    Or Sesan. Or Jude Engees. Or Mex.

     j

    No one wants to be squinting to see what’s happening in your video.

    9. Then get DJ Jimmy Jatt to bless it.

    Or DJ Zeez. Or DJ Exclusive.

     meh

    No obscure DJs please. Pay through your nose if you have to.

    10. Then proceed to promote the hell out of it.

    Get Olisa or Toolz Or Osi to plug it on radio.You have to earn this one.

    Get Omojuwa to tweet it.

    Onye Nkuzi, Patrick Obahiagbon or even Ben Murray Bruce may even have a thing or two to say about it.

    **If Onye Nkuzi calls it ‘philistinism’, you have made it.

    If Don Jazzy made your beat, get him to promote it to his fans on Instagram via spoof videos. Nigerians love that.

    Upload the track to NotJustOk. You can also try Jaguda and TooExclusive.

    Capture

    Make sure one or all of the telcos turn it into a ring back tune. Give them all the revenue if you have to.

    caller

    11. Now, you need your haters to respond.

    And it’s not a good song if you cannot get Vic O to respond with a diss track.

    IMG_6089

    I’m sure he can diss for hire, no lele.

    12. Finally…thank the fans [Feature an American musician – no matter how unknown. If possible].

    When you have finally blown — after all of this, it is impossible that you haven’t — take time out to thank your fans.

     fans mi

    Wizkid did this; then Davido DID it.

    13. Welcome to the club of multi-millionaires.

    Like Don Jazzy would say.

    Enjoy yourself because as Skales would say, “My only competition na Dangote”

    Did we skip some steps? Let us know!

    Don’t forget, sharing is caring.

    Odunayo

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  • The Zikoko Guide To Hosting A Sophisticated Party

    So you want to host a party people will keep talking about for years to come while also screaming sophistication? This is all the guide you need. Make sure you don’t skip number 4.

    1. Make sure the DJ adds ‘Dorime’ to the playlist

    This one should be non-negotiable, if you want people to vibe.

    2. Serve every drink in fancy glasses

    What better way to scream sophistication? Cheers!

    3. Let the dress code be black

    As the party progresses, everyone will blend into the night. Exquisite.

    4. Serve all the variants of Schweppes

    From Virgin Mijito, Chapman, Pineapple, Soda Water, Chapman to Bitter Lemon. Perfect for a bubbly night.

    5. Keep food at strategic areas of the venue

    Don’t go and hide it inside one place no one will see. Especially the Jollof and meat.

    6. Spread Ankara on the red carpet

    There’s no need to stick with the normal. All your guests will feel the sophistication seep into their toes as they strut and pose for the camera.

    7. Organise a dancing competition

    Wahala for who doesn’t know how to gbe body.

    Susan Nwaobiala

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