Girls | Zikoko!

First of all, the girlies are always right — take it up with your neighbour if you disagree. But every once in a while, we seek advice from others, either because we want to reinforce just how right we are, or we actually want a second opinion.

Every girl is at least one of these ten people when seeking advice.

The one who just wants confirmation

She’s seeking advice, but in reality, she knows what she wants to hear. All she wants is for you to confirm what she already knows — she’s always right.

The O in “opposite”

She has a degree in doing the exact opposite of the advice she just received. Like, girl, why waste both of our times when you know you won’t even try to take the advice?

The last resort

She’ll only reach out for advice when she’s tried everything, and everything has scattered like undone eba on her head. Pro tip: Don’t try to advise this babe because chances are the issue is now unsolvable.

The one who might get you jailed

She’ll only ask for advice on stuff like how to bury a body or plant a tracking device on her boyfriend.

Did you hear about the party we’re hosting for the girlies? Zikoko is bringing all the hot babes to the yard for the hottest babes-only festival. Get your tickets here.

The one who just asks for asking sake

She’s probably asking for advice because everyone has dragged her for never wanting to hear someone else’s opinion. You can tell because she’ll likely stare at you with a faraway look in her eyes as you speak and just nod at intervals. Save your breath; what she wants to do is in her mind already.

The unicorn

She asks for advice and actually takes it. She also knows exactly what she wants to eat at a restaurant. She’s a real-life miracle.

The fighting queen

She doesn’t have time for nonsense. Give her advice she doesn’t like, and you’ll probably never hear from her again. She’s also really good at throwing subs and ghosting.

The time waster

She comes for advice every two market days, ranting about the same problem every time. You’ve given every piece of advice you can think of, but things never work out as planned. It might be better to just commit her to God’s hands.

The “never mind”

She comes seeking advice, but in the middle of baring out her soul, she slams you with “never mind”. If you check it well, she likely has an ex-friend who spread all her dirty thongs in public when they had issues.

The advice shopper

If she doesn’t ask at least six different people’s opinions on one matter, she won’t rest. Then she’ll get confused about the final decision to take. Why won’t you be confused, Bisi?

NEXT READ: A Short Story: “Say the Full Thing”

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Tife Oni

March 31, 2023

Her

Advice, Friendship, Funny, Girls, Inside life, Nigerian babes, relationships
Sheriff Alimi

March 9, 2023

Quizzes

Girls, girls only, Quiz, travel, vacation
You and the girls have been planning that group trip for almost three years, and it still hasn’t gone beyond the group chat. Do the things I’ve mentioned below, and I promise, you girls will be on the next flight to your dream destination by the end of the week.

Fast and pray

Forces are clearly against you, and that’s why this trip hasn’t happened. To make it happen, you must invoke spiritual powers bigger than you. Everyone needs to come together and ask for the spirit of execution.

Buy flight tickets

Start planning your girls’ trip by deciding on a destination, picking a travel date, and then paying for the flight. By the time everyone buys flight tickets, there’s no turning back.

Go out and enter the traffic

When traffic shows you people small pepper, you’ll remember that there’s an option to be chilling in the Maldives.

ALSO READ: If You’re Planning a Girls’ Night Out, You’re One of These 9 Girls

Tell your parents

African parents are the only people in this world who can get you to do things you don’t want or don’t need to do. Just look at how they forced us to do house chores as kids. Let them use that energy to force you to go on the trip. If each girl gets their parents involved, all of you will be sipping coconut juice on a Jamaican beach by weekend.

Open Instagram

You and your girls need a little bit of oppression from the Instagram babes travelling everywhere and living their best lives. Maybe just then, you people will sit up. Don’t you want to post your own reel of you and the girls partying on a yacht in Mauritius?

ALSO READ: “The Real Cost of My Dubai Vacation” — Dennis and Nnneka’s Breakdown

Go alone

Forget about the girls’ trip and make it a solo trip instead. My mother will tell you that you should stop allowing people to hold your destiny. It’s not that deep, but you get what she means. Also, your friends may take it seriously when they see one person living their dreams.

Become friends with travel influencers

Travel influencers are always ready to travel because that’s literally where their money comes from. They won’t spend too much time planning because they’re excited to start creating content as soon as possible.

ALSO READ: Ten Things No One Tells You About Travelling With Your Friends

Dammy Eneli

October 8, 2022

Her

Girls, Women
The next time you have a girls’ night out, you’ll have to get ready together. It’s for your mental health and sanity. Need extra convincing? Here why you should:

The chance to catch up on gist

This is when you brief them on all the happenings. If you don’t talk to certain people anymore, you’d want your girls to be aware. Anything can happen during a night out, and your girls need to be armed with all the current information.

Makeup activities

Even if you don’t use makeup, watching your friends get ready is such a chaotic experience. One person is blowing lash glue to dry faster; another is looking for an eyeshadow palette with a colour that’ll match the aesthetic. The chaos is 10/10.

RELATED: 10 Types of Friends Every Woman Should Have

Feedback on outfits

One reason women overpack is that they have backup dresses for their backup dresses. If you don’t feel confident in how your outfit makes you look, your girls are there to style and restyle you. They’ll give you tips and help you select the most flattering styles. It’s for your own good.

Pregaming drinks

This is for the drinkers. You need to pregame with your girls. Alcohol is costly outside, so it’s important to drink before you go out so you can be lit without spending too much. It’s financial responsibility!!!!!

RELATED: 8 Nigerian Women Share the Best Thing a Friend Has Done for Them

Music

The getting ready playlist is the most fire thing you’ll ever listen to. It gives what it’s meant to give. Imaging getting hyped by your girls even before the party starts.

Pictures

Nobody takes better pictures than girls that like you. They’re super invested in your angles, poses and lighting. They’re thinking of things you’re not worried about and will help you come up with the best Instagram captions. And the hype that comes as they’re taking the pictures? It’ll help you feel like the bad bitch you are.

RELATED: If You’re Planning a Girls’ Night Out, You’re One of These 9 Girls

Itohan Esekheigbe

June 3, 2022

Her

getting ready, Girls, Night Out
At some point, Nigeria will have to declare a national emergency on the crime of defilement.

For starters, I actually thought “defilement” was just another sensational term used on newspaper headlines, but it actually is a criminal offence. Section 137 of the Lagos Criminal Law (2015), for instance, prescribes an imprisonment for life for anyone convicted on the offence of “Defilement of a child”.

And yes, a lot of defilement has been going on in Nigeria.

Meet Prophet Idowu And Other Annointed Men of God
On Wednesday, the Lagos State Police Command arraigned a Nduka Anyanwu before the State Magistrate Court in Yaba for allegedly impregnating two sisters of, guess their age – 13 and 17 years. Anyanwu who is a Pastor was said to have slept with the girls on multiple times, impregnating them in the process. Worst thing is that the mother of the girl refused the arrest because he’s a Pastor and he promised to marry one of them.

Meanwhile, there is a Prophet Idowu of the “Victorious Sacred Solemn Healing and Deliverance Ministry” who was arrested in February 2016 for “putting two sisters in the family way” (kinda thing you say to clear your conscience when you want to put rat poison in someone’s tea). This man also wanted to sell the victim’s father’s property – but one crime per pastor a day. Ahan.

There is also Prophet Ebenezer Ajigbotoluwa, founder and General Overseer of the Church of Lord who was arrested for defiling and impregnating two sisters, this same August. This one allegedly told a family of six to move into the church premises to avoid being ‘afflicted’ by the same sickness, after which he started afflicting the family’s girls of ages 13 and 16.

And there’s Pastor Jeremiah Godman Iziduh of the House of David Full Gospel Church who held a widow and her five daughters captive in Edo State, impregnated two of the girls while claiming that they were sown as seeds to his church by their late father (and so he sowed his seeds to them?). He also collected the documents of every property left by the late father and husband, and claimed that they were all sown as seeds to his church.

Things Are Happening

Look, there’s many more of these things happening in Nigeria. And its really not just Pastors. Terrible men are really destroying the lives of Nigerian girls by sleeping with them, getting them pregnant, and destroying their chances of proper education and a good future. And if that’s not a menace then I don’t know what is.

Meanwhile, let me go and look for the sex story of another Prophet Bartholomew Endurance Izanga. I’m sure there’s one out there. There always is.
Doyin Olagunju

August 28, 2020

Citizen, General

Girls, Nigeria, Nigerian pastor, sisters
Last year, I tagged along with my sister and her then-fiancé (now husband) the day they of their pre-wedding photoshoot. Watching the makeup artist work magic on my sister’s face with her Newt Scamander-style box of makeup tools piqued my interest. I had questions I wanted answers to but said nothing out of fear of being laughed at. (My sister is kinda the worst.) So I’m asking those questions here.

I’m just a curious man looking to learn. I implore thee, drag me not.

1) How much lipstick do you guys accidentally consume daily?

Because a girl’s gotta eat at some point during the day, am I right? How do y’all do it? It’s even more terrifying because I once spotted a girl at a restaurant reapplying her lipstick after a meal, implying that most of the previous coat had gone down with whatever she’d eaten. So it’s like, is this a fate y’all have resigned yourselves to? Do you just ingest this stuff? Is it edible?

Can…can I eat it?

2) What do you do when it’s really hot and you desperately want to wipe the sweat off your face but can’t for fear of wiping off your foundation in the process?

Also, does the sweat just start slowly seeping through cracks in the foundation like a leaking dam wall? If you sweat long enough, will it wash everything away? I imagine that it’s a lot like feeling an itch but not being able to scratch it.

That’s some torture shit right there.

3) How are you guys not terrified of mistakenly stabbing yourselves in the eye with the mascara and eyeliner applicators?

Looking at the applicator in the image above reminded of the panic attack I had the day I watched a shit ton of blood flow down my friend’s face because she mistakenly cut herself above the eye while doing her own brows.

4) Have you no fear of accidentally glueing your eyelids together when fixing fake lashes?

Because I once had glue come in contact with my eye once and it’s the second most painful/terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced. The first most painful thing was when I caught the tip of my erect penis in my zipper.

That’s a story for another day.

5) What exactly is the point of blush?

I truly don’t get it. Why would anybody want their cheeks orange all the time?

Astor George

July 22, 2019

Inside Life

Girls, Guys, makeup, Questions
Beyoncé says, “I love my husband, but it is nothing like a conversation with a woman that understands you. I grow so much from those conversations.”

If you have girl friends, you already know that the friendship is always beautiful and totally lit! Girls just understand each other in some almost psychic ways.
You know what they say; the more the merrier! Why have one girl friend when you can have two, or three, or ten!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BjfpfzaBiB2/?taken-by=tolaniav
Sha make sure they’re good people o! There’s nothing like having positive women around you that totally get you! More reasons you should build a girl squad are…
You have people to talk to that can totally relate.

I mean, who else will understand why you’re crying over your shattered BlackUp compact?
You have a solid support system

Need a shoulder to cry on? How about four or five that understand you completely? Girlfriends will encourage you and remind you why you’re fire! You won’t have to deal with anything alone.
You can be your absolute wild self with them, and they won’t judge you.

Because they’ve probably done worse lol. Be ready for some extreme trolling, though!
You always have people to gist with

Girls talk about everything. Lol you guys have no idea how lit a girls’ Whatsapp group is. You will be laughing nonstop as you drag everyone and everything!
Even if they’re not all available, you will have at least one person who’ll keep you company.
You will always have the best and most diverse fashion advice

Friends never let friends go out looking foolish, so trust that these ladies will have your back and tell you the truth!
You have people to borrow stuff from

Whether clothes, shoes, wigs, makeup or jewellery, your squad will come always have something nice for when you need something to complement your slay.
It’s Girl Friend’s Day! Show your ride or die girl friends some love today, and let them know how awesome they are! Women are so powerful when they come together.

Sade

August 1, 2018

Gist

Friends, friendships, girl friends, girl friends day, Girlfriends, Girls, international girl friends day, national girl friends day, Women
If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “this modelling will fit me o,” then this is for you. But before you rush into it, let me prepare you for the different types of people you’ll meet in the industry once you’re ready. Pay attention.

Beware of the ones who stand in front of everyone by force

Heyyy designer, i’m the one you want
For they usually don’t get picked.

“Oh no it’s fine, seriously I’m not angry, it’s fine”
There are also the proud one’s who have a history of constantly getting picked

“Okay congratulations but do you have to rub it in our faces? HA!”
Meanwhile we have the one’s who happen to be there by mistake but somehow got picked

Who me? Excuse me sister, what’s happening here?
Congratulations to everyone who’d be walking the show

if you were not picked, please kindly exit the building, see you next year.
Today is the day! Models..

Are you readyyy?!?
This is where we know who the real models are.

I mean the one’s who were truly born for this. The category most people believe they fall into.
Those who bragged about their walk all week and got to the runway to surprise everyone.

“See when I walk, everywhere will scatter” But it really was catastrophic!
There’s also those ones who won’t let anything get in their way

This girl thinks she can stop my shine, God forbid bad thing
These ones literally put the run in runway.

No one is chasing you aunty, slow down
Those who give up as soon as they get backstage

“I can’t do this anymore, please tell my fans i’d miss them”
You know those people who start to narrate and exaggerate how people were staring at them?

Even if it wasn’t that bad? yeah we have those too
And finally, the designer’s pets who feel the need to form a clique backstage

While everyone hates on them
And next year, we do it all over again

I’m sure by now you’re more than convinced modelling is for you, so go for it!!!

Eniola

June 1, 2018

General

boys, Girls, model, runway
1. When we say we have nothing to wear, it really means we don’t know WHAT to wear.

It’s really not a lack of choices, just indecision.
2. When we say no, SOMETIMES we really mean not right now.

But that’s only sometimes o. Other times, a no will always be a no.
3. When we don’t tell you what’s wrong, it’s because we’re secretly expecting you to know and to say it before we have to.

4. That buying underwear thing isn’t about being cheap, we’ve just seen your underwear and we think you need a glow up.

5. Sexy time noises has nothing to do with your penis. NOTHING.

And this is because sometimes…

Sorry, not sorry.
6. We’re always right. ALWAYS.

And even if we end up not being right, later on, we will still be. Just watch and see.
7. We don’t just like missionary because it’s easy, it’s because it keeps the ass within reach.

8. And when you catch us starting at your back, we’re actually secretly looking at your ass.

Oh, did you think you guys are the only ones that enjoy looking at ass?
9. Yes, heels can be painful and uncomfortable, but we love the way we feel when we wear them.

Wearing heels is not about getting a guy to notice us, it’s about feeling on top of the world.
10. When we look at you like this…

…we’re really wondering how to kill you in your sleep.
11. Sometimes when we’re upset, it’s not about you, we really just want food.

12. We love big bags because they can carry EVERYTHING we need or think we might need and we like to be prepared.

13. We’re actually secretly control freaks and that’s why we like to know everything.

14. This is the real reason girls go to the toilet together:

Yes, all your suspicions were correct.
More Zikoko!
https://zikoko.com/list/14-embarrassing-things-guys-can-never-tell-girls/

Ronke Otega

June 2, 2017

Oldies

Girls, Guys, Secrets
1. 90% of the time when we walk funny, it’s because we’re trying to adjust our testicles.

We have no control over how they position themselves. It’s not our fault.
2. Pretty much every guy has low key wished he can increase the size of his penis.

Yeah. Basically we’ve considered contacting the people that send those annoying spam emails about penis enlargement.
3. We’re not as clean as most girls.

So if you see a guy who’s really clean, compliment him because there is a tiny chance that he’s doing it for you.
4. We have two voices.

Our regular speaking voice and our “Girl I like you” voice. It’s default in our factory settings.
5. We are more sensitive than you think.

Not every time macho. Sometimes we’re delicate wallflowers.
6. The sound of metal scraping on a rough surface causes physical pain that we can actually feel in our testicles.

Scratching the crown cork of a soda bottle on the ground will make any testicles in the vicinity explode.
7. We have all, at some point, fantasized about getting our nails painted.

We’ve even thought about Henna. Don’t judge us. These things look like fun.
8. Some romantic comedies are actually very entertaining but we will NEVER give them the credit they deserve out loud.

Anything with Kevin Hart gets a pass tho. Kevin Hart is awesome.
9. We don’t act like it but deep down, we want our weddings to be lit.

With the lights, cameras, cakes and every thing. Weddings are awesome! Why would we not care about ours??
10. We sit down in public a lot longer than we have to sometimes because….

….getting rid of an impromptu erection takes time.
11. We love the Snapchat flower crown filter more than we’ll ever admit.

Who doesn’t like flowers? Lol
12. We occasionally use selfie sticks.

For those days you want the perfect selfie. We will still yab any guy that actually admits to having one sha.
13. It scares the hell out of us when we want to talk to a girl we like but she’s in the company of other girls.

Why do girls like to move around in packs sef? Oya, all of you, disperse! I want to set P.
14. We have all, at least once, sang along to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off”.

C’mon, who wouldn’t want to get down to that sick beat??
If you enjoyed this, read this next article about the 6 questions guys secretly want to ask girls about makeup.

6 Questions Guys Secretly Want To Ask Girls About Makeup

Astor George

May 26, 2017

Oldies

Embarassing, Funny, Girls, Guys, Nigerian
We always tell guys to “shoot your shot”. Set that P. Seize that bae. Slide into that DM. History has made men the initiators of love and relationships.
But that history is changing. Men aren’t the only ones taking a bold move. Women are coming out to stake their claim as well.

However, according to this guy, it appears we’re doing a shitty job at it.

Girls shoot the shittest shots
— … (@Unkle_K) May 24, 2017

If you’re a lady and you’re trying to shoot your shot by liking all of a guy’s pictures and tweeting at him, you’re doing it all wrong.
He just won’t plain see it.

I can never see the signs 😪
— … (@Unkle_K) May 24, 2017

If you want to successfully shoot your shot, you’re going to have to be VERY obvious with your signs. Just, maybe not this obvious:

https://twitter.com/_clvrarose/status/867447272342253569

If you’re going to try and shoot your shot, maybe don’t start a convo like this:

https://twitter.com/smish001/status/867425713464500224

And know that liking his pictures on IG isn’t enough:

https://twitter.com/Lord_Lightskinn/status/867491312374865920

You also shouldn’t expect him to get the hint just because you RT or like his tweets.

https://twitter.com/dephrank/status/867431866219073536

Generally, just don’t bother trying to drop any hints. Guys don’t see them.

https://twitter.com/_HeroOfStLouis/status/867496030308376576

You have to be as clear as day. No dropping small small hints like salt bae.

Instead, go straight to the point.

Lmao what exactly do you want. "Hi, I like you, can we be friends? " Shey that's what we should do?
— Tumini Abbey Ordu (@TutuAbbey) May 24, 2017

Appaz, “Hey, big head”, is also a good way to go.

she shoulda added, "Hey, Big head " 😁. That, fam, is declaration of intent.
— Temitope- The Joyful One! (@TopeSofe) May 24, 2017

But wouldn’t life be easier if guys could just take a damn hint already!

Just take the damn hint pic.twitter.com/i87RNOGnAs
— Alexis Johnson (@alexis_lorenn) May 24, 2017

Seriously guys, you might want to pay more attention to the people liking your tweets.
Don’t come and be a slacking pant like this one:

So if a female likes @ least 2 of pics then it's a sign of interest in me? Wawu! I don dull
— Obinna Isaac (@Obaino_Isaac) May 24, 2017

The truth is, when a girl likes a guy, she just tries to respect herself. Just see:
https://zikoko.com/list/25-things-happen-like-boy-youre-trying-respect/

Ronke Otega

May 25, 2017

Gist

Girls, Guys, relationships, toasting
1. So you can sit down and watch 20 guys run around and kick a ball for one hour, but watching Jenifa’s Diary with us is too much work?

2. So is this fantasy football thing like Predict and Win Money? because we are not understanding again oh

3. At least that one is better than that Football Manager game with those dots, who else almost booked deliverance from this game for their baes?

4. What even is an offside?

5. Is it not to just kick ball and go? Which one is aggregate score again? When it’s not further maths

6. Please oh, we are not the ones that said your team should allow flogging of 5-1, don’t take your anger out on us, please please

7. Lowkey, the only time we actually care about your team is when we steal your jerseys to flex with

Boyin Plumptre

March 8, 2017

Oldies

Football, Girls, Soccer
1. Today is International Women’s Day, and we are very excited!

2. We know many people are going to celebrate important female figures from past and current history and we love that!

3. But today we want to let all the regular ladies know that they deserve celebration too!

4. First of all, we slay hard at school, getting that education and conquering all those textbooks.

5. And we slay hard at work, breaking stereotypes and doing our part (and more) for the growing global economy.

6. Did we mention the millions of women that push out babies every day like it’s nothing.

7. Then go on to be primary caregivers, nurturing young minds and bodies to do and be better than them.

8. There’s also our amazing homemakers, who provide trillions of dollars worth of services for free! Often ignored and derided in society.

9. Not to talk of the women out there combining work, school and motherhood!

10. There are women breaking cultural moulds and doing it quietly, today is for you!

11. Choosing to be more than just an appendage to a man, forging their own path even when nobody approves.

12. And to the women out there that feel under appreciated, worn out, tired and defeated on many days, today is for you!

13. Happy International Women’s Day

Jola Ayeye

March 8, 2017

Oldies

Celebration, celebrities, Fabulous, Friendship, Girls, Hard work, international women’s day, Ladies, love, Recognition, regular girls, School, slay, Women, work
1. You, when you see fine boys

What’s up boy?
2. As you’re looking at the fine boy, another one passes by and you’re like

See fine fish!
3. You, talking to a fine stranger like you’ve known him since forever

Because that’s how you roll.
4. How you sprinkle ‘my dear’ and ‘sweetheart’ into every conversation you have

Everybody is a ‘dear’.
5. When you enter an office full of men, you’re like

You’re a fisherwoman in a sea filled with fishes.
6. When you buy a new see through top and you know how eyes will feast on you

Game about to be lit!
7. When people accuse you of being a flirt, you’re like

Don’t loud it, abeg.
8. When a guy looks ashy AF, but you still throw in a compliment because flirt

If you don’t do it, who will?
9. How your smile game is always 100% anytime you see boys

Come rain or harmattan, your own is just to be smiling upandan.

Shola

February 17, 2017

Oldies

boys, flirt, Funny, Girls, Like, love, relationships
1. When you’re calculating how much you’ll have to spend on new weave, and you think of how much boys spend on ‘Gallas’

2. When you’re just sitting down jeje and you feel that evil pain on your side and you know your period is coming for you

3. When one yeye Tola has refused to give you ring, and you know how you’d have snatched yourself up if you were a boy

4. When you’re running up the stairs and your breasts think they can sabotage you with their weight

5. Who else knows the struggle of wanting to pee when you’re stuck in traffic with no where to go?

6. When you have to call structural engineer to help you design what you’ll sew with your aso-ebi and you remember ordinary kaftan and sokoto, and boys are set to go

Boyin Plumptre

January 29, 2017

Oldies

boys, Girls, wish
So you and your guys are talking about love and relationships.

Forming like you people know everything!

Everybody’s head is swelling and they are talking one million talks.

Then you start trying to figure out how many girlfriends it will take to make you satisfied.

You need one to stop your mother from disturbing you about marriage.

Another one you have in the office to make life more bearable.

Another one that brings food in cooler for you at the beginning of the week.

One that is a prayer warrior.

One to teach you bad bad things “in the other room”.

The one that has a masters degree in frustration and manufacturing conflict.

The one that is an assistant mummy.

One that helps you augment your finances. As per assistant ATM.

The one that will nab you reading this post and give you query later since you are now insane.

Jola Ayeye

November 25, 2016

General

boyfriend, Girls, love, relationships
1. When she says don’t worry then “I just think it’s funny how…”

But you just said don’t worry na.
2. When you tell her you’re going out with your friends and she says ‘have fun’

Wazz all dis ?
3. When you say you’re hungry and she says “tell that your other babe to cook for you na”

Nawa for you o.
4. When you tell her sorry and she says “sorry for yourself”

Some people sha…
5. When she says “you can’t even say sorry”

Didn’t I just say sorry 40 times?!
6. When she sends an angry text and you’re trying to remember what you did wrong

But….all I said was “hello”.
7. When she says “get out” and then starts crying when you want to go

I’m so confused…what’s going on.

Osaretin Tunde-Oni

November 20, 2016

Oldies

Girls, relationships, Women
1. The ones that will just message you from literally nowhere like ‘Hi babe’

Please, who are you?
2. The ones that will send you ‘I miss you’, but you only talked to them once

I miss youtube, though.
3. The ones that will message you only when you put up a fine display picture

Association by dp only!
4. What of the ones that only remember you when you put your hot friend as display picture

It will now pepper them when you don’t give them her number.
5. The ones that are just there to monitor your time on WhatsApp

“You were online at 3 am, but you didn’t reply my message.”
6. Let’s not forget the ones that only know how to send you broadcast messages

Na only you waka come?
7. … and even send you links to job vacancies from 1900

Are you sick, bro?
8. Some will even start asking about your views on ‘polygamy’ before you actually meet them

This one is already planning to make you his second wife.
9. And most recently, the ones that will say you should come and join MMM

Come and carry me to join now.
10. What of the occassional forgotten ex, that slides in with a ‘hey, big head’?

Oga, if you don’t disappear from this place.
11. The most annoying ones are the ones that come at you with ‘you’ve forgotten me’ or ‘you never call me’ bants

But if you call me first you won’t die sha.
We bet you’ll love guys that send this to your WhatsApp though!

Shola

November 16, 2016

Oldies

Girls, Guys, sponsored, Whatsapp
1. When the metal wire in your bra starts chooking you.

What a betray!
2. When you’re wearing heels from hell.

These heels will not kill me o!
3. When you’re having a very bad makeup day.

When your mascara and pancake don’t want to cooperate.
4. When you have to sit down for 5 hours to make your hair.

Waiting at the salon like…
5. When all your friends are fine af and boys disturb you for their numbers.

Guys only remember you when you use them as DP.
6. When you’ve just made your hair and you want to sleep at night.

Headache of life!
7. When your pee is about to drop and you’re wearing a jumpsuit.

Because your kidney will soon lose home training!
8. When you paint your nails and it starts chipping the same day.

Money miss road o!
9. When you finish using a toilet and discover the tissue is finished.

Sorry for yourself.
10. When your braids randomly start dropping up and down.

The stress!
11. When you join natural hair gang and you see all the products you need to buy.

I have entered one chance.
12. You, when you find a tear in your favorite lace panties.

Rest in peace.
13. When you have to buy your boyfriend a gift.

Why are male products so expensive, abeg?
14. When the rubber band you used to pack your hair decides to cut.

15. When you’re carrying your pad to the restroom at work and you see your male colleagues coming.

When they’re about to see your Always.
16. When you’re wearing a short dress and the wind decides to be unfortunate.

17. When your wig decides to fall and shame you in public.

Wig that doesn’t have home training.

Shola

November 1, 2016

Oldies

annoying, Funny, Girls, makeup
We already told you the 10 guys you meet at every Nigerian wedding. Now here are the ladies!
1. The emotional mother of the bride.

Her baby is leaving her!
2. The “struggling to be happy” mother of the groom.

Because she is just managing this new daughter-in-law they have brought for her.
3. The oversabi bridesmaid.

She will even change to another dress oh! As if it’s her people came for.
4. The aso ebi bella.

She just came to slay!
5. The local champion.

Either the bride or groom’s cousin from the village. She just wants to have some fun!
6. The hopeful “next-in-line”.

She is just wondering when it will be her turn oh!
7. The alternative guest.

She came in an avant garde gele and vintage oleku and after the wedding she is going for a history walk in Lagos Island.
8. The newly married woman.

She is busy dispensing advice even though she has only been married for 2 weeks.
9. The stressed out bridesmaid.

She is tired from picking all the money they sprayed the couple and just wants to go home and sleep.
10. The life of the party.

The one you want to be on your table!

Jola Ayeye

August 15, 2016

Oldies

Funny, Girls, Weddings, Women
So I had a party to attend one day.

Gbedu!!
And I heard some of my enemies would be in attendance.

Yes oh! All those bad belle people!
So I decided I would show them that I am chopping life and living well!

Enemies will never win!
That’s how I squeezed myself inside one dress and did my make up

Looking like take away!
When I got there I was ready to show myself.

Baddest
So I entered the dance floor with style.

With all pomp & pageantry!
And started breaking it down.

Hot stepper!
I was giving them “notice me moves”.

Yes. Look at me!
I even did some of my Michael Jackson moves.

Kimmon!
Everybody loved it. They even started clapping for me!

“Wow! See moves! Ahn ahn!”
Then I spotted my enemies from across the room looking at me with envy.

I see you looking at me!
So I decided to go and say “hello”.

“So how are you bad belle people this fine day?”
As I was walking towards them, one of my heels broke!

Enemies at work oh!
And before I knew it I was on the floor.

AH! Somebody look at these people’s handwork!
From the floor I could hear my enemies laughing!

After all my planning look at life oh!
To reduce my shame I pretended to faint and waited till an ambulance came to carry me away.

Yes oh! So I should stand up in front of all those people abi?
Since that time whenever I see any of those enemies they look at me like:

Laughing like hyenas.
I don’t even know what was funny I almost died oh!

But for the grace of God go I!
But I will still show them sha!

Because I am badder than!

Jola Ayeye

August 2, 2016

General

Accidents, Fall, Fashion, Funny, Girl, Girls, Woman, Women
1. “…big head.”

The ultimate term of endearment.

2. “So your girlfriend will come and break my head, abi?”

They are using style to ask if you have a girlfriend.

3. “…all your girls.”

When they like you, they swear other girls like you too.

4. “Go away jor.”

Better stay there.

5. “When are you coming to take me out?”

They actually like you.

6. “You cannot even call somebody.”

They like talking to you.

7. “Is there light in your house?”

They want to come over.

8. “You just forgot about me.”

They miss you.

9. “Ode.”

The official Nigerian girl pet name.

10. “Have you eaten?”

They actually care.

11. “Where have you been since?”

They REALLY miss you.

12. “You’re so annoying.”

Don’t stop what you’re doing.

13. “I hate you.”

They love you.

Featured image by @itoroACE

Daniel Orubo

May 20, 2016

Oldies

Africa, Girls, Like, Nigeria
By popular demand, we have put together a female version of the Zikoko name dictionary. Also If you’re very sensitive, please see here for posts that you should be reading. Definitely not this one.
1. The Ada

Ever faithful Good girl Values her man and her family’s opinions
2. The Damilola

She’s not interested in ‘growing’ with you – better come correct Instagram celebrity She doesn’t care
3. The Ejiro

Dating you but definitely marrying another Expects you to take care of her Allowances are part of the relationship
4. The Bolu

Very misunderstood Been heartbroken too many times Stronger than you know
5. The Tolu

Once was a good girl Very attracted to Yoruba demons Complete and utter flirt
6. The Chisom

She’s coming on a date with 4 other friends No emotions Serial dater
7. The Titi

Laid edges Not interested in learning how to cook for you Daddy’s girl
8. The Seun

Brazilian hair, lashes etc. Expects gifts Very needy
9. The Chioma

Very hardworking Every man’s dream wife Often lightskinned
10. The Seyi

Party girl She loves guys with beards Goes best with an “Ayo”
11. The Halima

Savage Every boy wants her – your boyfriend too Will exploit all your weaknesses
12. The Wura

Kind and very intellectual All about the melanin Natural hair matters
13. The Tobi

Peng petite babe She and her squad are goals Likes lightskinned men
14. The Nara

Mistress of Curving 150 unread messages – your own is among Everyone has a crush on her
15. The Adeola

All talk no action Will always hold her man down Feminist
16. The Ifeoma

Ready to get married Great sense of humor If you’re not ready for marriage, she’ll leave you
17. The Rukiya

Looking for oil or politics money Great sense of humor Serial cheat
18. The Tosin

Two-man type of girl She treats every boy like they’re special Breaks hearts for fun
19. The Olamide

Genuinely nice girl Great listener Gets dumped a lot
20. The Ngozi

Very blunt Feminist Usually an IJGB
21. The Zainab

She likes your best friend too Compulsive liar Very very vain
22. The Tola

She loves relationships Never single Always has a plan B
23. The Maryam

Shady AF Sarcastic tendencies Very dramatic
24. The Bimbo

Usually short Very generous but really mean Potential wife material
25. The Onyinye

Always beautiful, sometimes brilliant Can be found in an Igbo musician’s video Loves intelligent men, but may still give you a chance

Odunayo

May 17, 2016

Oldies

Girls, Nigerian
1. Whenever you hear “pass on the torch”

…still brightly gleaming.
2. When you enter stealth mode to fap water from your dorm girls.

Epp me, Lord.
3. When you’re leaving dining hall and you hear “one ju” or “junior girl with the…”

Hay God!
4. You, when KC boys start arriving for Interhouse sports.

When you pretend to start stretching for calisthenics.
5. When you see a KC boy talking to one ISL girl.

Ugh! Do better.
6. Vivian Fowler girls looking at you and your squad like:

Stay pained.
7. Your face, whenever you see babes scaling fence.

Is it that deep?
8. Whenever you hear that Maty Obong or Mrs. Obi are coming.

Jisos!
9. “Obasa girls, dirty towels I can stand, but dirty pants I cannot stand. Whose pant is this?”

Don’t look at me.
10. When it’s time for Saturday morning inspection.

The worst.
11. When you hear that you’re a toilet worker instead of a dorm worker.

Who did I offend?
12. How dining hall looked every Sunday:

From Pap and akara to jollof rice.
13. You and your girls during dance, dance, dance.

Let us scatter the floor.
14. When you heard that school had cancelled Scruples.

NO! WHY?
15. You, the first time you caught two girls “lesbianing” together.

Chineke!
16. Whenever someone asks if you’re a QC old girl.

Proud OG! Co-written by Zikoko contributor, @Cyntheeya

Daniel Orubo

May 10, 2016

Oldies

Africa, Girls, Nigeria, QC, Queens College, secondary school, Yaba
Most people say “it’s so hard to understand women”. Truth is we have the cheat codes and will tell you. Ever tried to talk to a Nigerian girl and she’s been turning you down? This list will help you. Disclaimer: This does not relate to ALL Nigerian girls. Read in peace!
1. Money

Money makes the world go round and makes everything move. It also makes the hearts of some Nigerian girls flutter and melt. Better still if it is a foreign currency.
2. Perfume

This is really a very dope way to impress. You hear it all the time “I love men that smell good”. Go buy that perfume bottle today.
3. Car keys

This is a very important key, literally. Just have the car keys, and place them strategically during a conversation and open doors for yourself. Where will you get keys? We don’t know.
4. Cars

This is a step up from just having the keys, have the car. Make it a very good one. 2010 models and above. Thank us later.
5. Culinary skills

Nigerian girls like or love guys that can cook. Go learn how to cook, post the food photos online and you’ll have your way into their hearts.
6. Sweet-talking abilities

Generally, ladies love to be wooed, but Nigerian girls are a special breed. You need to up your toasting game to be able to get any of them.
7. Oil and Gas job

Ladies love guys with an ambition or stable job. They don’t like anything still in the ‘pipeline’ or works. Except your job has to do with pipelines then you are winning.
8. VIP or VVIP

Tagline: “Do you want to go see a show with me? I have two VIP tickets”. This will work. Just find the money to keep on getting VIP or VVIP tickets. Thank us later.
9. Wedding rings

We heard this is one way to some Nigerian girls hearts. Guys look a little attractive with the wedding bands. Or on another note guys in relationships. We think they took #SeizeTheBae too far.
10. Beards

Last but not the least. This could easily be the top of this list. Nigerian babes love guys with the full connecting beard. Note full and connecting, please don’t embarrass yourself with the “bear-bear”.

Tobi Smith

January 31, 2016

Oldies

attractions, Girls, Guys, Nigerian girls
According to the gospel of Nigerian Twitter:
1. “Hey, big head”

Translation: I miss you.
2. “I’ve never done this before…”

Translation: I’ve never done this before…with you.
3. “I don’t usually do this”

Translation: Please don’t judge me.
4. “My bodycount is 3”

Translation: My bodycount is none of your business, but since you asked, here’s a lie.
5. “Do whatever you want to do”

Translation: Do what I want to do! How dare you think you have a say?
6. “Nothing is wrong”

Translation: EVERYTHING IS WRONG! She has probably heard something or seen something. You are not safe. At this point, nothing that you do is right. Not even breathing.
7. “I’ll soon be ready”

Translation: Have your bath, eat, watch all the seasons of Smallville and go to the moon; Then, I will be ready.
8. “I’m fine”

Translation: Sit down and comfort me, you clueless male person.
9. “#NoMakeup”

Tranlation: I spent two hours on my make up to look like I didn’t use any make up.
10. “I don’t want to eat”

Translation: Buy your own and then I will proceed to eat it all.
11. “Say it. I won’t be angry.”

Translation: Oya let me hear you criticize me. You think you’ve seen me angry? Watch as you unlock another level with your gullibility.
12. “I’m not trying to be rude”

Translation: She’s about to say some downright disrespectful things. Just start apologizing.

Odunayo

January 14, 2016

Oldies

Girls, Nigerian, Nigerian girls
1. When you wear pushup bras to give your boobs a little boost, but your boobs just simply disagree.

These boobs are testing me, oh lord!
2. When people speak about cleavage and you’re just confused. What is that please?

Explain to me, please.
3. Then you have to push your boobs together to see what actual cleavage looks like.

Nope…nothing.
4. When you get caught staring at another girl’s boobs.

Someone cannot envy again?
5. When you form putting your phone in your bra and it falls out.

Nope. Not the best place.
6. When someone tells you, ” You know you don’t really have to wear a bra”.

Are you the keeper of my breasts?
7. But sometimes, you actually just wonder where your boobs went.

Where are they now?
8. When you’re surrounded by girls with bigger boobs, and the low self esteem just sets in.

It isn’t fair.
9. You fake extra boobs sometimes. And that’s fine.

Don’t judge me please.
10. When you wear a dress without a bra and no one notices.

May god not ignore your efforts.
11. Everyone got boobs in SS1, but you were patient. But now you’re 22 and you’re STILL waiting.

When are they really coming?!
12. When you try on your A cups and they still fit perfectly.

Not even a bit.
13. When you realise that when guys talk about liking girls with “smaller boobs,” they really mean C cups.

I’m not crying.
14. When people say “Don’t worry, when you get pregnant they’ll get bigger for a while.”

Why you lying?!
15. Then you secretly wonder if your breasts are even big enough to feed your future children.

Is that weird?
16. When larger-chested ladies tell you you’re “soooo lucky” you don’t have to deal with back pain.

Will you shut the hell up!
17. But then you remember that there’s no sagging in your future. Winning!

Still fabulous.

Odunayo

November 10, 2015

Oldies

Girls, Ladies, Small Boobs
1. When it’s hair day and you know you won’t be doing anything else.

You booked for 10am, you’ll be seen at 12 noon, and leave around 5pm.
2. When the salon is packed full, but the stylist assures you that you will be seen soon.

Right.
3. When the stylist that cannot make hair approaches you.

Please, don’t help me.
4. When gentle isn’t in your hairdresser’s vocabulary.

Please stop pulling my hair now.
5. If you have natural hair, you’d be told like 3 million times to relax it.

I said no now.
6. When you roll up in your 4 month old weave but you know no one will judge you.

I am not my hair.
7. When the stylist forgets that she left your hair under the dryer.

And she still won’t answer.
8. When another customer is spilling their entire family’s secrets.

Please. Go on.
9. When the hairdresser makes up a ridiculously high price for your hair.

Wait, what?!
10. Then they take light and they want to charge you for generator usage.

Am I PHCN?
11. When you go with one style in mind, but the hairdresser says it won’t fit you.

Okay, ma. You know best.
12. When someone in the salon tries to convince you to do a mani/pedi.

Is it free?
13. When two people are braiding your hair and you can’t tell which side hurts the most.

Everywhere hurts.
14. When they leave the relaxer on your hair too long.

Now you have no edges.
15. When you’re cheating on your stylist with another stylist and they pass by.

Did she see me?
16. And if you leave with a weave, you know you’d be tapping it for about a month.

Because it be itching!

Odunayo

October 29, 2015

Her

Girls, hair, Nigerian, Nigerian girls