Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121
Funny | Zikoko!

Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • AI Breaks Down How to Stay in a Marriage With a Cheating Partner

    We asked AI to share a full guide, and it’s response? “Sure, here’s a humorous take on staying in a marriage with a cheating partner in Nigeria.”

    Master the art of selective hearing

    When your friends start whispering about your partner’s escapades, develop the skill to only hear compliments. “Did you hear he was with that girl?” magically transforms into, “Did you hear he bought you a new car?”

    Enroll in advanced detective training

    Become Nigeria’s next Sherlock Holmes. Follow clues, check phone messages, and decode cryptic texts. You’ll be so good that even the local police will ask for your help in solving cases.

    Perfect your poker face

    No matter what bombshell news comes your way, keep a straight face. Channel your inner Nollywood actor. Your reaction should be so composed that it makes news anchors look like they’re overacting.

    Join the “don’t ask, don’t tell” club

    Adopt the policy of blissful ignorance. If you don’t ask about their whereabouts, they won’t tell you lies. Ignorance is bliss, after all.

    Become an Instagram detective

    Who needs private investigators when you have social media? Check tagged photos, comments, and new followers. Be the Sherlock Holmes of Instagram stories.

    Develop an appreciation for bad excuses

    When they come home late smelling of unfamiliar perfume and mumble something about a “late-night office meeting,” smile and say, “Of course, dear. Those office meetings must be really aromatic.”

    Keep a diary of creative excuses

    Document every outlandish excuse they come up with. One day, you’ll publish a bestseller: “The Encyclopedia of Spousal Excuses.” It’ll be a hit, especially in the humor section.

    Turn to Nollywood for inspiration

    Watch Nollywood movies for strategies. See how the characters deal with cheating partners. Dramatic confrontations, fainting spells, and breaking plates are all valid options.

    Create an imaginary friend

    When things get tough, talk to your imaginary friend about your troubles. They’re always there to listen, never cheat, and have excellent advice like, “Have another slice of cake.”

    Keep a stash of comfort food

    Always have your favorite comfort foods on hand. There’s no problem that pounded yam and egusi soup can’t solve, even if it’s just for a little while.

    Plan elaborate fake business trips

    Whenever you need a break, plan a fake business trip. Post pictures from random locations, and enjoy your “me time.” Bonus points if you can get your partner to believe you’re actually on a work trip.

    Join a support group

    Find like-minded people who understand your plight. Meet regularly to share stories, tips, and a good laugh about the absurdities of life with a cheating partner.

    Embrace the power of prayer

    Attend church services and pray fervently. If nothing changes, at least you’ll have a direct line to divine wisdom. Maybe your prayers will even inspire a miraculous transformation in your partner.

    Learn the art of subliminal messaging

    Subtly leave books like “Faithfulness for Dummies” around the house. Play songs with lyrics about loyalty. Perhaps some of it will seep in through osmosis.

    Develop a sense of humor

    At the end of the day, laughter is the best medicine. Laugh at the absurdity, the drama, and the ridiculousness of it all. After all, if you can’t laugh, what can you do?

    ChatGpt’s Disclaimer: This listicle is meant for humor and entertainment purposes only. Cheating in a marriage is a serious issue, and it’s important to seek professional advice and support when dealing with such situations.

    Hope you enjoyed this tongue-in-cheek guide!

    YOU’LL LOVE THIS: Arise, O Nigerian Hope: What Chatgpt Thinks Our Anthem Should Be

    Lolade Alaka

    , , , ,
  • Interview With Cucumber: “It’s My Time to Shine”

    Zikoko arrives at a local market where foodstuffs are rumoured to be cheaper. In a corner, a commotion ensues between two traders: Pepper and Cucumber. Customers leave Pepper’s stall for Cucumber’s as the shouting match grows louder. Bystanders watch, with no one attempting to quell the fracas. Out of concern, Zikoko approaches the scene.

    Zikoko: Please, take it easy. What’s the problem?

    Pepper: Who is this one? What’s your business?

    Zikoko: My name is Zik—

    Pepper: Abeg, getat. You no go face wetin you come market for?

    Zikoko: Ah, sorry. I thought…

    Pepper: You thought what? Please, leave this place and mind your business.

    (Zikoko turns away, muttering “Na me fuck up” under their breath.)

    Cucumber: Hey! Ziko! Abi what did you call your name?

    (Zikoko turns back.)

    Zikoko: It’s Zikoko.

    Cucumber: Sha come. What do you want?

    (Zikoko approaches Cucumber’s stall.)

    Zikoko: I want pepper. I heard it’s cheaper in this market.

    (Cucumber shoots Zikoko a criminally offensive bombastic side eye before speaking.)

    Cucumber: Had it been I know you, I for give you a dirty slap.

    Zikoko: Ah. What did I do?

    Cucumber: So you think you’re better than all these people in front of my stall? Ehn?

    Zikoko: No now.

    Cucumber: What is no? Oya, go to Pepper now. Let’s see how you’ll use ten pieces of tomato and rodo to make one pot of soup.

    Zikoko: But I’m confused. It’s pepper I want and you’re selling cucumbers.

    (Cucumber turns away, attending to other customers like Zikoko isn’t there.)

    Random customer 1: Boda Zikoko, people are now using cucumber to supplement pepper. That’s why we’re here. It’s cheaper.

    Cucumber (cutting in): For now o. For now.

    Random customer 1 (continues): …and it tastes just as good.

    Zikoko: So you mean I can use cucumber to make soup?

    Random customer 1: Haven’t you been seeing the Instagram chef videos on social media?

    Cucumber: Help me ask him o.

    Zikoko: I thought cucumber was just for garnishing food and making healthy smoothies?

    Random customer 2: I even heard some ladies use it in za other room.

    (Cucumber leaps into the air, screaming.)

    Cucumber: Tufiakwa! Evil people. They’ve come again to spoil the good things happening in my life with rumours and “them say, them say”. Oya, you!

    (Cucumber points at random customer 2.)

    Cucumber: Vamooze from my sight. Vamooze if you don’t want me to comot your teeth just now.

    Zikoko: Please, calm down.

    Cucumber: People like that want to ridicule and reduce me to an object of pleasure. They make people ashamed of associating with me in public.

     [ad]

    Zikoko: So sorry about that.

    Cucumber: Abeg, keep your sorry. You’re not blame-free. 

    Zikoko: Me? How? What did I do?

    Cucumber: Reducing me to something used for culinary aesthetics and discarded after?

    Zikoko: But, isn’t it a good thing to help people stay healthy?

    Cucumber: It’s good, but boring. The world doesn’t want boring. Nobody remembers you if you’re boring. It’s like a snake leaving no prints on a mountain. I want to be remembered for being the life of the party; the one people want every day. The one people can’t do without. Not the one treated as an afterthought.

    Zikoko: I see. So, you’re getting that now?

    Cucumber: Oh yes. I’ve been given a second chance, which is long due, and I plan to ride this wave for a long time.

    Zikoko: But are you not getting ahead of yourself here? People still need pepper, even with you as a supplement.

    Cucumber: Oh please. That one? Didn’t you see the display earlier on? He who the gods want to destroy, they first run mad.

    Zikoko: I’m not sure I get your drift.

    Cucumber: Pepper has had it coming for a while. Going into scarcity on a whim and leaving people to spend 100x the amount. The other day, I heard jollof made an off-white outing. Imagine jollof and off-white in the same sentence? Jollof that used to be red with hotness. God, abeg.

    Now that people know there’s more to people like us, Pepper is getting jealous. E never see anything.

    Zikoko: Sounds like a war is brewing.

    (Cucumber’s phone rings.)

    Cucumber: Hello? Have you set up the meeting date? We need to sustain the momentum now that the world still has our attention. If Gbigbe refuses to join the coalition, we’ll go to Gigun. If Gigun refuses, we’ll find a way still.

    (Cucumber hangs up.)

    Zikoko: Who was that?

    Cucumber: You mentioned something about a war.

    Zikoko: Yes, I did.

    Cucumber: That was Carrot. We’re close to signing a deal with Atagbigbe and Atagigun.

    Zikoko: Pepper’s relati—

    Cucumber (cutting in): Tah! Relatives for where? People only remember them when Pepper chooses to go MIA. They’re seeking an escape and stand to benefit more from this deal.

    Zikoko: I see. So the enemy of your enemy is your friend?

    Cucumber: Precisely. If Rodo, Tomato, Tatashe and Shombo want to move like the world belongs to them, we’ll teach them a lesson.

    Zikoko: I heard you say your price is cheap just for now. That means you want to move like pepper too?

    Cucumber: Before? You think I came to this world to count ceilings? I won’t deny that I envy what Pepper has. I want that for myself.

    Zikoko: But the people have turned to you because you aim to ease their suffering and offer a cheaper alternative.

    Cucumber: For more than a month now, I’ve kept my prices between ₦200-500. But from next month? You’ll see the real me.

    Zikoko: So this is how you want to use your second chan—

    Cucumber (cutting in): Is that the time? Come and be going, please. I have an appointment with a Fitfam juice company.

    Zikoko: But I thought you—

    Cucumber: You thought what? That I’ll put all my eggs in one basket? Leemao.

    Read this next: Tomato Is Expensive Again, but These Simple Hacks Will Help

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    ,
    , , , ,
  • 10 of the Hottest #KikiChallenge Dance Videos

    What’s the Kiki challenge?

    It’s a social media dance challenge where ladies pose as church attendees or act like they’re praying and then transition into “baddies” in raunchy outfits.

    Who started the Kiki challenge?

    Ghanaian artiste Leftizzle kicked off the challenge in February 2023 as part of promotional efforts for a music single of the same name featuring Fuze ODG.

    How to do the Kiki challenge?

    First, you need two outfits: a raunchy one and a regular one. Next, start with the unassuming outfit and transition into the raunchy one when the line “But in the bed you’re freaky” comes on.

    If you need more inspiration for the challenge, these entries should get you started.

    She kinda ate

    @

    ♬ –

    Black is beautiful

    @

    ♬ –

    What a transition

    https://twitter.com/wokwasia_01/status/1805143996743733713?s=46&t=gV-1mmgH3NC_RQhcgp1x3w

    Okay now

    @

    ♬ –

    Heavy on the Brown skin girl energy

    https://twitter.com/ericboatenggh/status/1804603537743081878?s=46&t=gV-1mmgH3NC_RQhcgp1x3w

    It’s giving wrong location 

     

    @say.logan

    I thought she was a Good girl oh.. No be small Freaky side boi3 🤦‍♂️ #kikichallenge #viral

    ♬ Kiki – Leftizzle & Fuse ODG

    It’s giving music video

    https://twitter.com/ronnieaustine/status/1803894550286475712?s=46&t=gV-1mmgH3NC_RQhcgp1x3w

    The camera angle could use more work

     [ad]

    Where is the bed?

    https://twitter.com/wokwasia_01/status/1805145005184483582?s=46&t=gV-1mmgH3NC_RQhcgp1x3w

    This one is just for the laughs

    How are social media users reacting?

    Entries from the challenge have stirred mixed reactions, with some social media users noting that the challenge is disrespectful to Christianity.

    @susan.usman

    Send it to their parents #kikichallenge

    ♬ original sound – Susan.Usman

    Read this next: 25 of the Most Ridiculous Videos on Nigerian TikTok Right Now

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    ,
  • QUIZ: What Do You Deserve to Get for Children’s Day?

    No matter what age you are, you deserve to be celebrated on this day because you’re somebody’s child after all.

    Don’t just take this quiz to find out what you should get on children’s day, we want you also go for it!

    Meyimi O.

    ,
    , ,
  • Met Gala 2024 Looks as Nigerian States, According to DALL-E 3

    It’s the day after the first Monday in May 2024, and while I stayed up all night — 1 to 4 a.m., to be precise — celebrity-watching the iconic red green carpet of “The Garden of Time”, I thought, as many people have before me, “Why don’t I reimagine a Nigerian Met Gala of my own?” 

    With major help from AI, here’s what all 36 Nigerian states would wear to this gala if they somehow came to life.

    Abia

    Inspired by the Arochukwu Long Juju, the outfit would feature regal elements and intricate patterns, incorporating colours that reflect spiritual traditions and history.

    Adamawa

    Known for its rich cultural heritage and diverse communities, the outfit would embrace the traditional clothing of the Fulani, incorporating flowing robes and cowrie shells.

    Akwa Ibom

    This outfit would be a nod to the rich textile tradition of the state, focusing on raffia and vibrant woven patterns reminiscent of local crafts.

    Anambra

    Drawing inspiration from the Igbo Ukwu archaeological site, this ensemble would include metalwork and designs that echo ancient artefacts and the Igbo cultural legacy.

    Bauchi

    Highlighting the Yankari Game Reserve, the outfit would feature animal motifs and earthy tones, incorporating feathers and beaded details to represent wildlife.

    Bayelsa

    This outfit would represent the state’s coastal region with a touch of oceanic meets blooming flower themes.

    Benue

    Known for its Tiv culture, the ensemble would use the traditional black and white striped “A’nger” cloth, creatively designed into a dramatic red-carpet gown.

    Borno

    This outfit would reflect the Kanuri heritage, with intricate embroidery and bold colours, referencing the traditional attire of the region.

    Cross River

    Inspired by the Efik culture and Calabar Carnival, this outfit would be colourful, vibrant and celebratory, with feathers, beads and elaborate headpieces.

    Delta

    This outfit would combine elements of the Urhobo and Itsekiri cultures, using traditional fabrics and incorporating symbols of the oil industry, a nod to the state’s economy.

    Ebonyi

    The outfit would draw on the agricultural heritage of the state, featuring natural fibres and earthy tones, with a focus on texture and layering.

    Edo

    Inspired by the rich history of the Benin Kingdom, this ensemble would incorporate bronze work, coral beads and regal silhouettes that pay homage to the Oba’s court.

    Ekiti

    Known for its hilly terrain, this outfit would have a layered and flowing design, with patterns that resemble the landscape and traditional Yoruba fabrics.

    Enugu

    The outfit would reflect the Atilogwu dance with bright rainbow tones and a red velvet silhouette, complemented by shimmering details that symbolise the state’s transformation.

    Gombe

    Inspired by the Ashaka cement industry and the savannah landscape, this outfit would feature rugged textures and industrial elements, with pops of green to represent the Gombe forest.

    Imo

    This outfit would draw on the cultural elements of the Igbo people, featuring classic Igbo fabrics and patterns, with a modern twist on traditional silhouettes.

    Jigawa

    With its roots in agriculture, this outfit would use natural fibres and patterns inspired by farming, with earthy colours and rustic elements.

    Kaduna

    Known for its multiculturalism, the outfit would bring together Hausa, Gwari and other influences, with a focus on vibrant colours, embroidery and layered fabrics.

    Kano

    As one of Nigeria’s historic centres of commerce, this outfit would combine traditional Hausa designs with gold and silver elements, symbolising the wealth and heritage of Kano.

    Katsina

    This outfit would draw from the Emirate traditions, with richly embroidered textiles and dramatic silhouettes that reflect the regal history of the state.

    Kebbi

    The outfit would feature patterns inspired by the Argungu Fishing Festival, incorporating fish motifs and aquatic colours, with a flowing design to reflect the movement of water. 

    Kogi

    Known for its confluence of rivers, this outfit would be inspired by water themes, with blues and greens, and intricate flowing patterns to represent the river junctions.

    Kwara

    This outfit would reflect the state’s rich history of textile production, focusing on Aso Oke fabrics and intricate embroidery, with a mix of traditional and modern elements.

    Lagos

    As Nigeria’s commercial hub, the outfit would embrace contemporary fashion trends, with a cosmopolitan feel, mixing urban style with traditional Yoruba motifs.

    Nasarawa

    This outfit would reflect the state’s solid mineral resources, featuring metallic fabrics and industrial elements, with a structured design to symbolise the state’s wealth.

    Niger

    Inspired by Afro-nomadic culture, the outfit would feature white feathers and brown tones and a focus on African-Islamic style.

    Ogun

    Known for its agricultural products, especially cocoa and rubber, the outfit would use rich, earthy colours and textures, with elements that represent the state’s industries.

    Ondo

    This outfit would be inspired by the Yoruba culture and traditional festivals, incorporating rich fabrics, beadwork and dramatic headpieces that reflect the state’s heritage.

    Osun

    The outfit would be inspired by the famous Osun-Osogbo Festival, with flowing fabrics and natural colours, emphasising harmony with nature and spiritual connections.

    Oyo

    Known for the historic Oyo Empire, this outfit would embrace regal designs and traditional Yoruba patterns, with a touch of modernity to bring the ancient and contemporary together.

    Plateau

    Inspired by the state’s scenic landscape and rocky formations, this outfit would have a rugged aesthetic, using earthy tones and textured fabrics to reflect the plateau’s terrain.

    Rivers

    A flowing gown representing the serene waters of the Niger Delta, adorned with motifs inspired by the rich cultural heritage of the region’s indigenous tribes such as the Ijaw and Ogoni people.

    Sokoto

    A regal outfit inspired by the Sokoto Caliphate, with traditional Hausa embroidery, flowing fabrics, and turbans.

    Taraba

    An ensemble drawing from patterns and designs that reflect the diverse traditional influences of the city.

    Yobe

    An outfit inspired by the Nguru dunes, with earthy tones and patterns that reflect the desert landscape and traditional attire.

    Zamfara

    A garment inspired by the traditional weaving crafts, with intricate patterns and a colour scheme that represents the craftsmanship of the region.

    RELATED: 8 Nigerians That Should Be Invited to the Met Gala

    [ad]

    Lolade Alaka

    , ,
    , , ,
  • Just Imagine These Nigerian Stars as “The Idea of You” Characters 

    Cinema lovers are still drooling over the fantasy of a boy band member who fell in love with a 40-year-old mum in the latest Hollywood film, The Idea of You, which began trending on May 4, 2024. If Nollywood decides to execute this storyline, these actors should get the scripts first and be on set without question.

    Genevieve Nnaji as Solène

    Can you believe THE Anna Hathaway is now playing a mummy role? If there’s someone Nollywood should cast that’ll give us similar cause for alarm, it’s Genevieve. She’s in her 40s too, but iconic for her youthful female lead roles of the past. 

    Gbemi Akinlade as Izzy

    Gbemi (Battle on Buka Street, Clinically Speaking and The Aside) will be perfect to play Genevieve’s daughter in this film. Her “mummy’s girl” style will nail this character. 

    Susan Pwajok as Georgia

    Georgia is the shy girl who’s Izzy’s inseparable friend, and coming-of-age roles come natural to Susan. Just watch The Johnsons and It Blooms in June to confirm.

    Emeka Nwagbaraocha as Zeke

    A friendly, teenage schoolboy character? Emeka will eat up it like creamy pasta.

    Rita Dominic as Tracy

    Solène’s friend could be Rita Dominic. They have similar comedic timing with a “good friend” and “big aunty” vibe.

    Wale Ojo as Dan

    Their lanky stature, grey beard and mannerisms are just too similar. Dan can be nice, but he’s an old and arrogant rich asshole. Sounds exactly like most of Wale Ojo’s characters.

    Sharon Ooja as Eve

    The role of a beautiful lady who can get her boss to fuck up his marriage and marry her while maintaining innocent vibes goes to Sharon Ooja. No one else.

    Kanaga Jnr. as Hayes

    Kanaga Jnr is a fine boy and a dancer. And in his Big Brother Naija days, he even had enough rizz to date an older housemate. So, he has the experience. A little acting class and he can be a popstar rizzing up our Queen Genevieve.

    Chuks Joseph as Oliver

    No Nigerian actor has been as much of a young and annoying asshole as Chuks Joseph in releases like the Madam Koi-Koi series and Afamefuna in a long time. He’ll easily pass as the annoying Oliver, in The Idea of You.

    Eronini Osinachi as Simon

    Eronini shares a similar look with Viktor White, the actor who plays Simon, with the jerry-curls. All he has to do is play the band boy role, stay at the back and make cute faces. 

    Read About the 7 African Books That Needs to Be Adapted Into Film ASAP

    Tomide Marv

    , , , , ,
  • QUIZ: We Know the Song You Need to Address Your Haters

    Take the quiz:

    Tomide Marv

    , ,
  • 6 Grooming Products Nigerian Men Treat Like Trophies

    Nigerian men may claim that they’re not natural skincare geniuses, and they’re not wrong, but there are some products they hate to run out of.

    The legendary 8-in-1 body wash

    Nigerian men would rather save the money and energy required to own and apply eight different products to have one magic bottle to do it all.

    Pink lip balm

    We all know pink lips are synonymous with looking good in Nigeria. Apart from the confidence boost from your fellow men when they say, “See as you fresh, guy,” women find it attractive. It’s a win-win situation.

    Petroleum jelly

    This is basically the 8-in-1 body wash for skincare. Name a better all-rounder. It can replace hair cream, body cream AND lip balm, and that’s why it’s a winner for Nigerian men. 

    Perfume oil

    Nigerian men and their perfume oil? They love their appearances, but when they smell better than their good looks, they reach their final forms.

    Beard oil

    Grooming is all that differentiates an unkempt man from a member of the beard gang. Buy a man some beard oil today, and he’ll rub it up and want to step out in a second. Why? Fresh beard, new flex.

    Shaving stick

    If there’s an inanimate object that Nigerian men have an intimate relationship with, it’s shaving sticks. When they need a quick shave for an impromptu outing, or they’re expecting a sneaky link, it delivers faster than their barbers. But it has to be a good one, like BIC Flex 2, for extra smoothness.

    Guess who has decided to pave the way for Nigerian men in the grooming and self-care space? Read more about how BIC Encourages Self-Care and Confidence in Nigerian Men.

    Tomide Marv

    , , , ,
  • 5 Nigerians Reveal The Craziest Adventures They’ve Gone on With Their Friends
    5 Nigerians Reveal The Craziest Adventures They’ve Gone on With Their Friends

    Some of the wildest memories I have are with my friends. We’ve been to places we shouldn’t, taken risks that’ll have our parents on their knees and spent lots of time reminiscing about these memories that strengthened our bonds.

    I was curious to know if there are others who tie the strength of their friendship to wild shared experiences, and I found these six people.

    From sneaking a bestie in for a month-long staycation to borrowing and almost crashing a parent’s car to show off , these Nigerians have stories for days.  

    Toke*

    My last birthday was on a Friday and my friend offered to take me out after work. We went to a cool spot in Ikeja to eat. I thought that was all, but she said there was one more surprise.  

    The surprise turned out to be a strip club, which freaked me out a little. It was the club’s “lesbian night”, and they had all sorts of naked women doing stuff on stage. Some of them even came to grind on us.  

    I couldn’t enjoy the moment because I kept thinking “Is this legal? What if the government chooses to raid this place tonight? Is that not 14 years?”

    We stayed for about one hour before we left — my worry and anxiety didn’t let me have any fun. It was one of the craziest nights of my adult life in Lagos.

    Nike*

    My friend came to Lagos for NYSC and needed a place to stay. Naturally, she asked if she could stay at mine. She had visited before and knew we had a big house with lots of empty rooms. The only problem was, my parents didn’t like that we were friends. They were always cold to my friends whose parents they hadn’t met. There was no point in asking them if she could stay because they’d have outrightly refused.

    So, I devised a plan. I asked her to visit for a weekend, and I made sure my parents saw her. What they didn’t know was that she  stayed in our house for a whole month. She’d come in really late at night, and leave very early in the morning. On days she didn’t go to work, she’d stay in the room all day. She ate, cleaned up and did everything in my room.

    It helped that my parents hardly came upstairs to my room because of their leg problems, so it was really easy to pull it off. I wonder how they’d have reacted if they found out, but I’m glad they never did.

    Binta*

    Back when I was a Jambite, my best friend had a pregnancy scare. We’d gotten pregnancy test strips, but the test came back negative, which was strange because her period never came. One weekend she told me of her plan to go for a hospital test. She didn’t ask me to follow her, and I was relieved because deep down, that was a line I wasn’t willing to cross as a hijab-wearing Muslim with strict parents.

     On the day she planned to go, she came to my house early in the morning in tears. I felt bad watching her break down so I offered to go with her. On our way to the hospital, I pulled off my hijab and scarf to look older and it worked. The hospital staff had smirks on their faces, but I could tell it wasn’t because they thought we were young jambites — they just thought we were some wayward girls. Thankfully, the result was negative.

    When I got home, I started thinking of all the things that could have gone wrong. A hijab wearing girl at the hospital for a pregnancy test? My parents would have disowned me if they found out.

    Get a free ticket to Strings Attached and enjoy a feel-good evening of music, dancing and games at Muri Okunola Park, Lagos on May 11, 2024.

    Shile*

    My friend and I had nothing to do while waiting for NYSC. On a random day, he came to me and said he’d gotten the contact of a “baba” that could help us get rich. I wasn’t desperate for wealth, but my friend was. But I decided to follow him to the man’s place for support. To be honest, I was just curious to see what the ritual process looks like.

    We spent almost six hours on the road before we got to the place in a deserted village in Abeokuta. I could tell something was off the moment we arrived — the people there stared at us as though they were asking us,  “What are you people looking for here?”

    The baba had a decent house and received us warmly. After we sat for a while, he invited us to follow him to his shrine. I didn’t follow them since it was my friend who wanted it.  After they left, I fell into a deep sleep that I’m convinced wasn’t natural. I don’t know how many hours I was out for, but I was still dizzy AF when we left. The journey home was a blur, and I didn’t feel like myself till I woke up the next morning.

    I spent the next few days thinking about what happened. Was a sleep spell cast on me? Was my friend in on it? What if they’d unalived me? It also didn’t help that my friend didn’t want to talk about it. He relocated shortly after that incident and we’re still in touch, but I still think about that journey.

    [ad]

    James*

    My SS 3 class organised a graduation party after we finished our final exams. It was the first big party we’d attend outside the school premises and everyone wanted to show up in their best. My friend came up with a wild idea of driving his dad’s car because his parents weren’t home. He’d been talking about learning how to drive during holidays so I assumed he knew how to drive. On the day of the party, he showed up with the car at my house and again I thought “If he made it to my house, he knows how to drive”.

    Everything was smooth until we got to the Third Mainland Bridge. I don’t know if it was the water or the length of the bridge, but something wasn’t right. Also, my friend suddenly suffered a panic attack and we got hit from the back before he could park. It didn’t take long for a crowd of adults to gather asking why young boys like us were driving. My friend’s parents were out of town so we had to call my parents. My dad was furious, but he arranged for a towing vehicle to get us and the car off the bridge.  Interestingly, I didn’t get any lashing at home because everyone was just grateful we were alive.

    In the mood for one more memorable adventure with your bestie? Then Strings Attached is where you should be.

    We’re collaborating with One Bank to bring all the super cool people to our yard on Saturday, May 11, 2024, at Muri Okunola Park.

    Want to be a part of “Strings Attached”, the hottest community festival ever? All you have to do is download the OneBank by Sterling app, create a new account using ZIKOKO as the referral code, and your ticket will be reserved. The free tickets will be given out on a first-come, first-served basis, so hit the app store ASAP.

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • 13 of the Best Tweets from the “Look Between” Trend

    On the days that X (FKA Twitter) isn’t a Fuji House of Commotion, the app is in its “funny and hilarious” bag. How else would you explain why users are looking between their keyboards for Easter eggs? 

    See for yourself below.

    Tough everywhere

    Please, help us beg Agbado o.

    Pick your fighter

    We or Oui?

    Be specific

    Doughnuts? Dollars? Dog? Dustbin?

    Amen o

    K for Ko si danu

    Is that B for Ball or Brooklyn?

    It’s all about perspective

    Games? Ghost? Goat? Gun?

    PTSD? 💀

    Lmaoooo

    You can’t relate if there’s love at home.

    Very important

    This is true because what you see between B and O on your keyboard brings income.

    If you like, call till next year

    Nothing for you.

    A real example of “I shoot back”

    Serve or not?

    Did You Know that No One Uses the English Language Like Nigerians? These Tweets Prove It

    Tomide Marv

    ,
    , ,
  • 15 Layi Wasabi Memes Every Nigerian Can Relate To

    Layi Wasabi is either waxing lyrical on Obasanjo’s internet or giving you the next meme material that perfectly fits your situation.

    We’ve taken the trouble (actually, delight) of compiling some of the most relatable Layi Wasabi memes. Let’s dig into them.

    You’re telling lies but go ahead

    15 Layi Wasabi Memes Every Nigerian Can Relate To

    Useful when you have your opps by the balls.

    Are you okay?

    Use this one when someone is moving mad.

    Wrap it up

    15 Layi Wasabi Memes Every Nigerian Can Relate To

    When you can’t deal with their bullshit.

    Sinzu spending

    15 Layi Wasabi Memes Every Nigerian Can Relate To

    For that tight-fisted rich friend.

    What life is this?

    When your 9-5 is threatening to unalive you.

    Irrelevant

    15 Layi Wasabi Memes Every Nigerian Can Relate To

    For that person who asks you for advice but never uses them.

    Slap the flap

    When you want them to feel the wrath of your anger from the keyboard.

    Apologies

    15 Layi Wasabi Memes Every Nigerian Can Relate To

    If you need to beg for your life.

    Observing

    This is that one meme that fits every situation. You don’t need to say too much.

    Very funny

    15 Layi Wasabi Memes Every Nigerian Can Relate To

    This one is for when you want to speak in sarcasm.

    Whining

    When you want to motivate your broke friends.

    Scammer

    15 Layi Wasabi Memes Every Nigerian Can Relate To

    This Layi Wasabi meme is all you need when you nab a thieving modafucker.

    Let’s cook

    When you want to say “I’m ready” but with a meme.

    A faithful man

    When you want to dissociate yourself from cheating.

    Not my business

    This Layi Wasabi meme is the best response to getting pulled into what you have zero idea about.

    Enjoyed this piece about Layi Wasabi memes? Read this next: Memes That’ll Remind You About the Very First Time You Went to the Gym

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , ,
  • You Can Still ‘Spray’ Money at Your Fave’s Owambe. Here’s How

    The Nigerian authorities can try all they want, but they can’t kill the vibes at owambes  But since spraying money is now a crime that can potentially land you in jail for six months, we’ve found some ways to get around it.

    Do transfer

    You Can Still ‘Spray’ Money at Your Fave’s Owambe. Here’s How

    The downside of this is that you can’t spray your ₦2000 broken into ₦100 notes in peace. You’ll probably have to send as much as ₦5k so that the celebrant can see that you rate them.

    Envelope it

    Let’s bring back how our parents gave out cash gifts before this money spraying wokeness. Find the celebrant before you leave the party and press the envelope into their hands.

    Collection basket

    You Can Still ‘Spray’ Money at Your Fave’s Owambe. Here’s How

    If you’re throwing a party soon, a collection basket is one more thing you need to make plans for at your event. Make sure it’s stationed right on the dance floor where people can easily spot it.

    Money box

    You Can Still ‘Spray’ Money at Your Fave’s Owambe. Here’s How

    If there’s anything Valentine and birthday gift vendors have taught us, it’s all the creative shit you can do with money.

    Spend bundles

    Think about it, the money won’t litter the dance floor or get trampled upon if it’s in a huge ass bundle. However, this method is only advisable if you’re an odogwu spender.

    [ad]

    Money vouchers

    Event planners now make arrangements for money vouchers at parties. How does it work? Buy a voucher equivalent to the amount you intend to ‘spray’, transfer to the event planner and handover the voucher to the celebrant. The event planner will in turn transfer the money to the celebrant.

    Or just stay at home

    You Can Still ‘Spray’ Money at Your Fave’s Owambe. Here’s How

    You won’t have to spray anyone or think of ways to avoid EFCC’s wahala if you’re not at the party.

    READ ALSO: I Avoid Getting Sprayed With Money at Events

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • I Avoid Getting Sprayed With Money at Events

    The typical Nigerian “owambe” is barely a complete experience if guests haven’t rained money on the celebrant in an almost excessive display of wealth. While most people look forward to this highlight, I was shocked to find out that there are others who’d rather skip the entire show. 

    Amid EFCC’s recent clampdown on socialites for spraying money at events, Segun* shares how his mum’s experience with a diabolic relative shaped his interaction with money at social functions. 

    As Told To Adeyinka

    My earliest memory of my mum getting furious and creating a scene in public was at my 10th birthday party. 20 years later, I still have a vivid picture of what happened.

    While dancing on the stage, an aunt from my father’s side came to press ₦50 notes against my forehead. I’m not sure if it was a deliberate attempt on her part, but she wouldn’t put the money anywhere else but my forehead. I remember my mum yanking me off almost immediately and walking off the stage. My aunt was furious, and they both got into a loud argument that almost disrupted the party. My aunt argued that my mum’s action implied she had ill intent against me. My mum, on the other, hand wasn’t willing to take chances.

    Years later, I learnt that what happened on my birthday was a traumatic response to my mum’s experience at her wedding. The gist is, an older relative who came from the village pressed money against her head the same way my aunt did at my birthday. My mum fell sick for weeks after her wedding and was hospitalised.  The doctors couldn’t say exactly what was wrong and all the treatment did nothing to improve her condition.

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    Things only got better after my granny involved an Islamic cleric who revealed they had to find and discard “bad money” from a close relative sprayed on her wedding day. Many relatives attended the wedding and since my mum was barely conscious, she couldn’t tell the family members whom she suspected. Remember, she was hospitalised almost immediately after her wedding, so all the money from the wedding was still in a bag. It was hard to identify which money was from whom so the cleric suggested giving everything to charity. She was discharged about a week later and the doctors described her recovery as “miraculous”. 

    That experience shook my mum’s core, and it shaped her interaction with money at social events. If the money isn’t in an envelope or sprayed into a collection bag or basket, my mum doesn’t want it. This has also rubbed off on me and my siblings over the years. We might not be as extreme as our mum, but if someone aims for our head or forehead while spraying money, we find ways to dodge it or remove ourselves from that situation. 

    In my case, I also avoid doing the same to people. I’d rather put the money in a brown envelope and give it to the celebrant, spray it in the collection bag or just ignore it entirely. 

    [ad]

    READ ALSO: Zikoko’s Guide to Avoid Spraying Money at Parties

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • How to Survive Without Light in Nigeria

    We’re not sure who the national grid is in love with, but it has fallen again.  Now that you have to go about your daily activities without relying on electricity, we thought we might show you a few options to consider… 

    Use the sun and moon as light sources 

    Image by Freepik

    God didn’t give you the sun during the day and the moon at night for no reason. Remember when your parents said they read with the glow of moonlight in their younger days? It’s time to test that theory. Don’t wait for Nepa when the moon is out there wasting.

    Read with fireflies

    You call them “tanatana”, I call them the future of illumination.  Let’s do something: when you’re free, catch a thousand fireflies and hang them up on your ceiling and voila! Now, you have free light 24/7. If that isn’t peak creativity, I don’t know what is.

    Try Ironing with Solar Energy

    Everything happens for a reason, including the crazy heat in Nigeria. Don’t let the sun shine in vain. Instead of waiting for NEPA, get a stove iron, your laundry and ironing just got easier. This solution is more economical than industrial irons that add millions to your electricity bill. Additionally, your clothes will come out smooth without any burns. 

    [ad]

    Conduct lightning to charge your devices

    Image by Freepik

    You might not be Thor Odinson, but hey, I believe in you. If lightning obeys a movie character, how much more you? When the next thunderstorm happens, go outside with your metal rod and Dunlop slippers, ready to produce your electricity.

    No laundry machines? Throw your clothes away!

    We were born naked, and we will die naked. It doesn’t matter if you start early. If you switch to leaves, you won’t have to worry about laundry or ironing. Leaves are clean, sustainable and very affordable. Plus, you don’t have to buy them too.

    Sleep outdoors more

    So, no light to power your fan? The solution is to switch to natural breeze. Mosquitoes and other bugs will likely suck you dry, but the pain will be worth it when a cool breeze touches your soul. 

    Buy a messenger bird

    Don’t waste money on airtime or data for a phone you’ll be unable to charge. The fun part is the person you’re calling will also not be reachable because their phone is dead. However, you can’t go wrong with a bird.  An eagle, hawk or turkey works. As long as it has wings, it can deliver your messages for you. But, if someone catches your bird and throws it inside their soup, I’m not there o. 

    For more survival tips, here’s how to survive in Nigeria without cash or a functioning bank app.

    Raymond Temituro

    , , , ,
  • The Zikoko Guide To Starting a Conversation With a Girl

    The first rule of engagement when conversing with anyone is courtesy. However, with ladies, basic courtesy might do little to nothing to move the exchange from point A to B. If you’re looking to make a new female bestie, here are tips that can help you start a conversation with a girl. 

    Let’s get into them.

    how to start a conversation with a girl

    Starting a Conversation With a Girl Online

    There are lots of unhinged folks on social media, so if she’s ignoring your texts or not into the convo, your approach is probably wrong. Here’s how you can fix that

    Keep a public profile

    Seriously? Your page is private, no display picture,  and you have no posts on your feed? It’s giving catfish and you need to fix up.

    Introduce yourself

    Even if you have a public profile with photos and bits of information about you, it shouldn’t take the place of talking a little about yourself. What you like or hate, countries you’ve been…No better way to discover shared interests to bond over. 

    Text like a sane human

    “Wodup, WYD?, Xup, Am, Good PM.” 

    You’ll probably get blocked if you use any of these lines before you get a chance to prove that you have sense. 

    Be genuine

    Why are you in her DMs? Be sincere from the beginning. This can go a long way in setting the tone of your potential friendship.

    Ask open-ended questions

    Don’t be the regular-shmegular who asks “Yes and No” type questions and gets pissed off when you get “Yes and No” responses.

    Listen and respond

    Wait, she shares a lengthy ass narration of an experience and you don’t have follow up questions to show you genuinely followed the convo? You are not ready and she’s probably better off not being your friend. 

    Be generous with compliments 

    Everyone likes compliments. Tell her what you like and why you like it. But hey, she’ll probably catch you faster than you can say sorry if you’re whining her. 

    But skip the endearments

    No, she’s not your baby and she’s not your “dear”. Don’t do it.

    Avoid asking to meet up

    You’ve barely texted for 24 hours and you’re asking to meet up because “I’m more lively in person”. 

    Starting a Conversation With a Girl Physically

    So you’ve run into this girl, and you want them in your corner. Here’s how to bag that first conversation and turn it into a potential friendship or relationship.

    Be confident

    Yes, we know you want her in your corner but it’s not enough reason to lose your composure. During your first encounter, maintain eye contact as much as you can.

    Look the part

    It takes a lot of work to change the narrative if you make the wrong first impression. If your outfit is giving “Who be Kwasogbu?”,  it’s probably best to postpone that first conversation to another time.

    Give a genuine compliment

    Complimenting a stranger is probably the easiest way to get their attention. Once you tell her how nice her hair or makeup is, follow the next tip.

    Introduce yourself

    Don’t be that person who goes for “Babes. My dear” simply because you failed to ask for her name from the start, or worse still, forgot. A nice intro is never out of fashion.

    Listen actively

    Remember, this is a face-to-face interaction and the shitty network won’t work. If your new girly is giving you the tea, you better pay attention and take notes.

    Minimal physical touch

    Remember, she doesn’t know you from jack. Don’t invade her personal space by touching her hair all because “I love this hairstyle”, or any other body parts. Keep your hands to yourself.

    Don’t get too personal

    Be careful not to overshare just to appear like an open book or get them to also give you details about their lives. There will be time for that later.

    Know when to leave

    Understand that some people are socially awkward and you might need more than one random convo to interest them. If they don’t want to push the interaction further, please take the cue and leave.

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    Enjoyed this piece on how to start a conversation with a girl? Read this next: How To Chat Like A Nigerian Man

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • Maybe these Naija Artists Use ChatGPT Too

    You might be wrong if you think the tone, wordy, complex sentences and repetitive structure of ChatGPT text flourish only in research papers and formal documents.

    Have you heard ambiguous Nigerian song lyrics or the ones that read straight out of an AI generator? Let’s delve into it.

    Boy Spyce

    Despite getting curved by “Folake”, Boy Spyce still made a song titled after his crush to express his feelings to her. The song takes a turn when he starts to flatter the babe. Instead of calling her his dream babe, Boy Spyce goes “Automatic, aromatic, acrobatic, diplomatic, cinematic” We may have a new son of Afrobeats won our hand, and its name shall be Afro-Grammar. 

    Anendlessocean

    Anendlessocean’s love for words is as endless as the ocean in his name. Every album, the good brother let us know he’s a word freak without saying he’s a word freak. Even when he says seemingly simple things like “Infinity ” and a “ten-side polygon”, he uses a plethora of wonderful words to express them. E.g “Apeirogon” and “Decagon”. 

    M.I Abaga

    Let’s put concept albums aside, nothing screams “I hired ChatGPT for my album, look at my titles now” than M.I’s “A Study On Self Worth: Yxng Dxnzl”. The song titles also read like daily motivational messages. E.g “I Believe In You, You Too, Should Believe In You.”

    Vector

    I love VEC, but when he starts getting “deep” on songs, the listener can get lost in the sauce. Exhibit A: “If I fail because you fail to see / Then it’s very clear that one of us failed, it’s you or me”?

    He said if we don’t understand, that’s our problem.

    Wizkid

    If Wizkid and ChatGPT have one thing in common, it’s repetition. Wiz has said “She tell me say” on songs multiple times that, I’m wondering when GPTZero —  the AI writing detector — will finally have his time and say “song already exists.”

    These Are the Greatest Afrobeats Albums According to ChatGPT

    Tomide Marv

    , , , ,
  • 9 Things Every Nigerian Muslim Does During Eid

    I bet you thought your Muslim friends do nothing but kill and roast fat rams on Eid. But they do so much more. Especially if they’re Nigerian Muslims who live in this Nigeria. First, some Eid 101: Eid means “Feast” or “Festival” in Arabic, and there are two major Eids in a year: Eid Al-Fitr and Eid Al-Adha — only the second involves rams, and the just concluded Eid was the first. 

    Now for what Eid is really like when you deep it:

    Pray 

    Let’s start with the serious answers. On the morning of Eid, Muslims gather at the mosque or designated prayer grounds dressed in their best attire for a prayer they call Eid Sallah. The prayer marks a session of reflection, gratitude and unity among Muslim communities. 

    Image source: The Punch

    Sacrifice fat rams

    Growing up, I enjoyed the sight of young men killing fat rams. From inflating the animals to subjecting them to a glorious fire bath so the young men can scrape off the fur to slicing the insides while avoiding the gallbladder believed to make the meat bitter. The meat is fried dry and distributed among families.

     

    Image source: iStock

    Apply henna 

    Where the Muslim girlies at? Henna, AKA Laali, is a reddish hue prepared from the dried and powdered leaves of the henna tree. During the Eid festivities, it’s applied as a paste with intricate designs on the hands and feet of women. A beautiful tradition in Islam that dates back to the sixth century with roots in North Africa, India and the Middle East, it’s believed to bring good luck and barakat (blessing), and it also looks really pretty.

    Image source: Getty Images 

    New clothes

    No better excuse to buy that new Abaya or Jalabiya. Most Muslims start planning their Eid outfits during Ramadan, the fasting period before Eid. Some even have mood boards for “outfits to kill it on Eid”. I may have made that one up.

    Run errands 

    What’s Eid with family without running small and big errands? It’s either they send you to get some random item from Iya or Baba this or buy a last-minute ingredient for the family jollof rice.

    Deal with impatient fathers 

    Every true Muslim knows that Muslim fathers are impatient on the day of Eid. They get dressed in under five seconds and threaten to leave everyone if they don’t finish preparing to go to the prayer ground within the next minute. Their get-ready time needs to be studied.

    Visit families

    They get to visit that aunt or uncle’s house to eat more food and catch up with cousins they didn’t know existed.

    Image source: The Guardian, Femi Adebesin-Kuti 

    Explain to everyone that it’s not the ram killing Eid 

    It’s about time non-Muslims got their Eids straight. Stop harassing Muslims for meat on Eid Al-Fitr. From 2025, you just might get slapped.

    Deal with that one relative who carries the preparation on her head

    We all know that one aunty who controls how drinks and food are dispersed. It’s either she loses her voice screaming at the top of her lungs or packs a whole big polythene bag of food home. But she cannot be wrong; she’s always right.

    Adebola Akinlose

    , , , ,
  • QUIZ: Match the “Shakespopi” Bars to the Shallipopi Song
    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    This is from which song?

    Tomide Marv

    , , , , ,
  • No One Uses the English Language Like Nigerians, And these Tweets Prove It

    Believe it or not; Nigerians love the English language and we waste no time to show (our love for) it. In many ways, we’ve made it ours and have taken liberties to use English words in fun, robust, and original ways nobody (who isn’t Nigerian) can emulate. If you’re in doubt, delve into this compilation of tweets showing the use of English range by Nigerians.

    Poet wannabe type beat

    Awolowo started what he couldn’t finish. 

    Charity starts from home

    No modest income

    Anti-billing template

    May we not see what’s inside Pandora

    “Doxology” lmaoooo

    Life is all about perception 

    Set awon “irreparable loss”

    Are you a goat???

    You better runnnn!

    We use “posterity” so much, I think it’d judge us one day

    Explain yourself

    In the same class with Foot-04

    Don’t fuck around and find out 

    Somebody shout Hallelujah

     [ad][/ad]

    Tomide Marv

    , , ,
  • Since I Japa, Masturbation Doesn’t Spark Joy Anymore

    Like many X users on Easter Monday, I woke up to the perpetual chaos that’s plagued the microblogging platform since Elon Musk took the reins. This time, a strange buzzword left me and millions of other users confused. The word? Stainless — a new coinage for “celibacy” common among Nigerian men who’ve relocated and find it hard to get laid. I was intrigued by the sheer number of people abroad who revealed that they now juggle between celibacy and self-pleasure.

    I spent the next few days looking for subjects to share their experiences with forced celibacy. It was during my journo quest that I found Feranmi*. 

    As Told To Adeyinka

    I relocated to Finland in mid-2023. It was a bittersweet move because, on the one hand, I was excited to finally escape Nigeria, but on the other hand, I was leaving everything I’d known in all my 27 years. This was scary for me. I remember my mum saying, “Will you kuku stay back?” Everyone who knows me knows I struggle to make friends or form new relationships, so a recurring question in my head was, “How will I survive?”

    To make matters worse, my girlfriend said we should call it quits because she couldn’t do long distance. I tried to get her to visit for one last memorable time together before I travelled, but she didn’t come.

    When I arrived in Finland, it was just like I feared. I stayed with my cousin, and in the first few weeks, he was on leave. He resumed work the second week, and that was when the loneliness kicked in. At first, I felt I could handle it because I could go days all alone at home in Nigeria. I was so wrong. There’s something different about the loneliness here. It’s that feeling of knowing you won’t get random visitors, spot someone you know or just have the assurance of familiar strangers in your street.

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    I soon started to get mad horny, which was strange because I wasn’t even thinking of sex. I mean, I’d broken up, was in a new country… I’d accepted it would take a while to get laid. But I kept getting awkward erections. Since I couldn’t put the feelings off, the easiest thing to do was wank. And the thing is, I wasn’t much of a wanker in Nigeria. I had my girlfriend, and our sex life was good.

    Here? I’ve beaten my meat to submission, and it doesn’t excite me anymore.

    I haven’t even tried to put myself out there because where will I start? I don’t have a job yet, so I hardly meet anyone besides neighbours, shop attendants and passersby. Most of the folks around here speak Finnish and have a strong “Minding my business” aura.

    The other day, I sent a DM to a Finnish lady on IG who I followed before I left Nigeria. She responded in Finnish. I had to translate on Google to respond, which made our chat stressful. We still text, but we’ve never made it past pleasantries and “Miten loydat suomen? (“How do you find Finland?”)

    My cousin also doesn’t help matters. He’s about ten years older, and we have a good relationship but not one where we freely talk about girls or relationships. He’s married and still trying to bring his wife and child over from Nigeria, so I can’t be talking about my need for sex with him.

    I’ve accepted my fate. But I recently joined this Nigerian Twitter community for people in Finland, and I’m hopeful. Although I’ve heard it’s not easy to date a Naija babe here if you’re still hustling, I know they must also have intimate needs. It just takes finding the right person and letting them know you’re in it for real.

    These days, I don’t bother to wank because it’s gotten boring. But I never thought about it as going “Stainless” until I saw the Twitter convo. I guess that’s what it is. The last time I wanked was in January.

    Read next: 8 Alternatives to Wanking That’ll Give You Your Orgasm As a Man

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , ,
  • 8 Alternatives to Wanking That’ll Give You Your Orgasm As a Man

    Here’s a working theory: DIY fuku-faka only works the first few years after you discover the concept of self-pleasure. It’s only a matter of time before your body starts to crave skin-to-skin genital slamming. But what if we told you there are more creative ways to get around spilling your seed in another human?

    Boys, grab a notepad. Class is in session.

    Tickling

    It’s like beating your meat, except you don’t have to touch it. For this to work, get some privacy and focus. Kumbaya/inner-peace seeking style focus. Next, gently trace your fingertips along your inner thigh, ball sack and nipple. Keep at it for about 10-15 minutes, and you’ll buss.

    Rubbing

    Also known as pillow-fucking, this is a completely hands-free method of getting your orgasm. How does it work? Will your Rod of Correction to attention and grind sensually against the bed. Grabbing your butt might help you get a sense of joint action and arrive at your desired destination.

    Sleep

    There’s only one way to make this work: Watch an obscene amount of pornography before you go to bed, and you’ll have given your spirit partner enough prompt to give you some action.

    Anal massage

    If you’re adventurous enough for some backdoor action, get some lubricant up your anus, slowly stick your index finger in, and try to reach your P-spot AKA prostate gland. Every man has one. You should definitely consider a P-spot toy if you’re serious about this.

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    Nipple play

    As a guy, you’re probably missing out on premium enjoyment if you ignore your nipples. The nipples are super sensitive, which means the right kind of touching and stroking can get you bussing in no time.

    Perineum play

    The perineum is the area between your odogwu and anus. It’s full of nerve endings and very sensitive. To make this work, give this area some good touching or stroking. Make sure you’re well relaxed, as this will help you find your rhythm and spill that akamu.

     [ad]

    Sex toys

    Vibrators are mostly marketed to women, but if you’re open to exploring sex toys as a man, there’s good action to be enjoyed. Grab a male vibrator, wear it around your phallus and let it do its job. Word on the street is that those vibrations feel really good.

    Edging 

    Whether you’re beating your meat or using any of the methods on this list, edging will help you intensify the experience. Simply bring yourself close to climax and stop just before you spill your seed. Repeat the process for as long as you can. The idea is to prolong the experience and intensify the eventual orgasm.

    READ NEXT: 5 Nigerian Men Talk About Discovering Masturbation

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • Interview With Doughnut: “I’ve Seen Terrible Things”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

    Doughnut — or the milky variation of it — has gained popularity with Nigerians over the past few weeks. However, it seems not every type of fame is welcomed.

    Thanks to Doughnut’s busy schedule, this interview is happening weeks after they actually reached out to Zikoko.

    Zikoko: It’s nice to finally have you here.

    Doughnut: I wish I could say the same.

    Zikoko: Why not?

    Doughnut: Can’t you see the way I’m looking? Don’t I look sick and manhandled to you?

    Zikoko: I thought that was the look you were going for. 

    Doughnut: I’ll let that slide because I need your help, and I don’t have much time before I resume my hard labour. 

    Zikoko: Who’s subjecting you to hard labour?

    Doughnut: Is that a rhetorical question?

    Zikoko: …

    Doughnut: You want to tell me you’ve not heard people singing my name these days? From Instagram bakers to WhatsApp vendors, it’s like everyone suddenly remembered I exist. 

    Zikoko: Isn’t that a good thing? I mean, you’re famous because more people are interested in you. 

    Doughnut: That’s exactly my problem. This sudden interest has done me more harm than good. I was a simple, minimalist snack. Just mix flour, butter, sugar, and I’m good to go. A proper low-budget babe, and I liked it that way. 

    But you see Nigerians? They can never let a good thing be. Now, I look into the mirror and don’t even recognise the snack staring back at me. Ah, I’ve seen terrible things. [Shakes head in regret]

    Zikoko: I feel like I know where this is going, but can you explain more?

    Doughnut: That thing you’re thinking is exactly my problem. Whose idea was it to add milk abi whipped cream to me and change my name to “Milky Doughnut” without consulting me?

    Zikoko: How were they supposed to consult —

    Doughnut: It would’ve even been better if these bakers — if they can be called bakers — had kept to my minimalist style and added the milk in moderation. But no o. They decided to disfigure me with their milk concoctions till I looked like something that belonged on a kayan mata vendor’s page.

    Zikoko: TBH, it looks weird.

    Doughnut: God will bless you o. That’s why I came here. So you can help me beg them to stop it. As I speak to you now, a Doughnut somewhere is being torn open and then suffocated with milk. What happened to sprinkling a little sugar on top if you’re feeling adventurous? I wasn’t made for this life, please.

    Zikoko: It’s likely just a fad; everyone will soon be tired.

    Doughnut: That’s what I thought too. I thought, “Surely, the price of milk will soon discourage these people”. But I underestimated Nigerians. Your country people are now filling me with beans, ogi and even avocado.

    Who did I offend? Very soon, someone will wake up with the bright idea to stuff me with groundnut paste and pepper and call it something like “Nutty Doughnut”. I can’t let it get to that. You people need to stop with these creations.

    Zikoko: Hold on. Groundnut paste and pepper don’t sound so bad. Imagine how those flavours will complement each other.

    Doughnut: Are you kidding me right now?

    Zikoko: But why are you so resistant to change?

    Doughnut: It’s not the change I’m avoiding. It’s that you Nigerians don’t know when to stop. That’s how one tribe started with just liking pepper. Now, they cook pepper with a dash of food. For another tribe, it’s remaining small for them to put crayfish inside cake. You people have started by pouring one tin of milk inside a baby-sized doughnut. Should I wait until I become extinct?

    Zikoko: Hmm. I get your point.

    Doughnut: I can feel another Instagram vendor summoning me to complete her latest creation. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Please, save me.

    Zikoko: That’s a lot to ask. Saving people isn’t exactly our field of expertise. But we’ll be praying for you.

    Doughnut: Ehh God. 

    ALSO READ: Interview With Subsea Cable: “My Life Is in Danger”

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    [ad]

    Tife Oni

    ,
    , ,
  • 30 Sweet Igbo Names to Call Your Wife

    Are you an Igbo man who wants to serenade his wife every time you call her name? Do you want her cheeks to turn a bright red whenever she hears her name?

    Surely, you know you can’t achieve this level of hot romance with just her government name. If you are out there for name options that’ll make her melt a little, you’re in luck. We’ve compiled a list of 30 sweet Igbo names to call your wife.

    30 Sweet Igbo Names to Call Your Wife

    Anyanwu Ututu

    It means “morning sun”, and it’s the cutest way to let her know she lightens up your world.

    Achalugo

    If you’ve found yourself a woman with a royal bloodline.

    Odim N’obi

    It means “The one in my heart”. This name will let her know she’s got no rival.

    Ifeoma

    It means a good thing. And you know what they say about he who finds a wife? Exactly.

    Nwanyin Oma

    If she’s a good woman by all ramifications.

    Nne

    It’s short, loving and tender.

    Honim

    Let’s just say this is the Igbo version of “Honey”.

    Akwa Ugo

    It means precious eagle egg. Ask yourself, is she not the most precious person in your life?

    Ego Oyinbo

    If your woman is a cash madam that makes it rain.

    Mma Nkem Obi’m

    This might be a mouthful but it means “The beauty of my heart”. So sweet.

    Eze Nwanyin Obi’m

    Another mouthful which means “Queen of My Heart”.

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    Mma

    Use this name if her beauty is second to none.

    Nke’m

    It means “My Own”. No better way to reassure your woman.

    Sweetim

    This is the Igbo version of “Sweety”.

    Onu Ugu M

    It means “The tender end of the Ugu leaf”. This name is a way of letting your woman know she’s delicate and pretty.

    Obi’m

    It means “My heart”. Ask yourself, is she not?

    Ukwu Venza

    If your woman is endowed with a big behind.

    Omalicha

    Because in your eyes, she’s the most beautiful woman that walks this earth.

    Ugoeze

    It means “The King’s pride”. Use this name if you’re a royal who’s found the absolute LOYL.

    Tomato Jos

    No better way to let her know she’s the fairest in the land.

    Nwanyi Murumu

    It means “My precious one”.

    Olu gbajie

    This cheeky Igbo name means “Neck break for your beauty”. Call your woman this as a constant reminder of how hot she is.

    Asampete

    This Igbo name means “My beautiful woman”. It’s another way of appreciating her beauty.

    Apunanwu

    It means “You don’t go under the sun”. Use this name if you want your wife to know she’s not one to stress.

    Oyoyo M

    This one means “My dearest one”.

     [ad]

    Obi di ya

    This name means “Her husband’s heart”. Use it to constantly remind your woman that she’s all that matters to you.

    Akwa Ugo

    It’s Igbo for “Eagle’s egg”. And one thing about this particular type of egg? It’s precious and highly cherished.

    Ifenkili

    It’s Igbo for “Beauty to behold”.

    Asa Nwa

    Another way of appreciating your woman’s beauty in Igbo. It means “Beautiful child”.

    Oriaku M

    Only use this name if you’re an Odogwu because it means “Spender of my money”.

    Now that you know some sweet igbo names to call your wife, you should read this next:  60 Cute Names To Save Your Boyfriend’s Contact In Your Phone

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • These Are the Most Famous Eggs of All Time

    I won’t get into the details of why eggs are synonymous with Easter celebrations, but they somehow symbolise the re-emergence of Christ. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s focus on some lesser-celebrated iconic eggs. 

    The egg of life

    These Are the Most Famous Eggs of All Time

    This egg was highly slept on until Nollywood showed us the light in 2003. We can’t say we know how you can lay your hands on this magical egg that has the power to raise the dead but start by going to Google with the search query: “Where’s the nearest evil forest?”

    The egg of wealth AKA Ọ̀fọ̀rọ̀ Ndụ́

    These Are the Most Famous Eggs of All Time

    This egg is the second most GOATED egg of all time. It’s on some magical shit that brings prosperity and blessings to anyone who receives it. How to find it? We don’t know.

    The egg Ghanaians always eat

    Even if you dig beneath the crux of Mother Earth and hide yourself in a thick-as-fuck bunker, you’ll still hear about the exploits of the Ghanaian egg. Last we heard of it, it made a surprise appearance inside meat pie.

    The eggs that were put in one basket

    These Are the Most Famous Eggs of All Time

    These eggs are so famed for bad luck that they have a huge reputation in global academia as a warning sign. Ask anyone about Idioms, and these eggs will appear quicker than you can spell “fry”.

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    And the ones used for sacrifice

    They’re the black sheep of the worldwide egg family for three reasons: They roll with gods and jinns, they’re never clothed, and they’re unnecessarily scary.

    The egg that married bread

    Think of Romeo and Juliet’s story, and you’ll understand why this egg is famous. Yup, this egg is a hopeless romantic.

    And the one that eloped with Yam

    These Are the Most Famous Eggs of All Time

    Rumour has it that yam was betrothed to red oil until this egg appeared. Yam and egg continue to live happily to this day. Just ask Sabi Girl Ayra.

    [ad]

    The eggs all men protect

    These eggs are famous for being the only known identical twins in the egg world. They’re fragile AND they have the special ability to produce life.

    READ NEXT: The Meaning of Easter and How It Affects My Faith

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • 20 of The Most Unhinged Yahoo Boy Names and What They Mean

    As if the audacity to con people out of their life savings unprovoked isn’t enough, internet fraudsters AKA “yahoo boys” love to take on names that leave little to imagination. Yes, they want you to know they’ve made it, otherwise why would any sane Nigerian answer Pablo Richie?

    Once I heard that one, I had to take a deep dive into yahoo boy names, and here’s what I found.

    Pablo

    These ones have convinced themselves that they’re on the same wealth level as the famous cocaine drug lord, Pablo Escobar. Their babes always go by Olori Pablo.

    Pablo Richie

    Think of them as the pro-max version of Pablo. You’ll easily recognise them by their gold cuban necklaces.

    Aremo Gucci

    AKA Prince of Gucci. Their shoes? Gucci. Bedsheet? Gucci. Boxers? Gucci. Flip flops? Gucci. You get the drift? 

    Sinzu

    These ones spend money with zero caution because they know there’s always another client to scam.

    Cash Money

    Internet fraudsters that go by this name are literal money bags. They move around with bundles of different currencies. If you’ve ever seen anyone post random pictures with bundles of cash, that’s Cash Money.

    Young Money

    They’re entry level yahoo boys who came into sudden money after shadowing older yahoo boys for a long time. They’re sometimes fresh out of senior secondary school.

    Brain Child

    These ones would thrive in academia, but they’d rather apply their talents to fraud. They’re usually scouted and groomed by older yahoo boys who can’t deal with the mental gymnastics of cooking up fake documents. 

    Bullion Van

    Similar to Cash Money, they move around with hefty sums inside their cars, bags and wallets.

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    Wall Street

    They’re the corporate internet fraudsters. They could scam an entire nation beside you and you wouldn’t suspect a thing.

    CryptoBillions

    These ones are new school internet fraudsters with a speciality in cryptocurrency. 

    Ghost

    They just want to scam people and fall back into their shell. They don’t want to be known or associated with anybody. 

    Hushpuppi

    Proteges of famous Nigerian internet fraudster, Hushpuppi, they wish to be like him so bad — minus the getting caught part.

    Papi Chaser

    The yahoo boy who connects yahoo boys. He has all the latest updates, knows all the right people and is basically the plug.

    Magic Fingers

    Think of him as the secretary-in-chief. He knows everything about forging high-level documents and also offers crisis management services.

    [ad]

    Rich OG

    These ones are the ancient of days. They may not be the richest, but they’re not to be disrespected. 

    Femi Ferrari

    He loves Ferraris. But whether he’s been able to scam enough people to afford one or not, he’s Femi Ferrari.

    Arab Money

    These ones hustle in Dubai and return to Nigeria every now and then to blow their ill-gotten proceeds. 

    Sanchez

    He’s the yahoo boy that gave up his dreams of being a renowned footballer for internet fraud. Now, he makes it rain when his club wins at viewing centres.

    Ibro Wire

    He’s the yahoo boy from a strong Islamic home who specialises in wire fraud. He doesn’t joke with his prayers. 

    Owo Epo

    The scorned yahoo boy with a better yesterday. He’s gone broke and now spends his time sharing stories of how he helped people when he was a successful scammer.

    Enjoyed this piece about yahoo boy names? You’ll love this: 9 Ways To Know If Someone Is Doing Yahoo

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , ,
  • 6 Women on Getting Aired After Taking Sexual Boosters for Their Partners 
    6 Women on Getting Aired After Taking Sexual Boosters for Their Partners 

    I was mindlessly scrolling through X when I came across a tweet that stopped me dead in my tracks. Here’s the gist: Home girl was stood up after taking some aphrodisiac in preparation for some genital slamming. 

    That was a first for me and several other X users who’d mostly associated this experience with men. I knew what I had to do, so here are some stories from women who can relate.

    Patience*, 40

    My libido dipped after my first child, and I got worried because I like sex. I told my mother-in-law, so she gave me this disgusting mix of okra water. I took it for a week and started feeling like my old self again. Unfortunately, my husband started coming up with excuses to avoid sex. He’d sleep in a different room, say he was too tired or even return late. Meanwhile, I was still taking the mixture, hoping to get some action. It took me asking what was happening before he said he’d been scared to have sex with me since I had a vaginal tear during childbirth. 

    Hauwa*, 39

    I didn’t go all the way with my husband before we married. We cuddled, kissed, and that was it. After marriage, I realised I had trouble getting sexually aroused. I spoke to a friend about it, and she suggested aphrodisiacs from an Instagram kayan mata seller. I knew my husband enjoyed making out on Fridays as part of his “easing into the weekend” ritual, so I waited to take the aphrodisiac one Friday evening around the time he returned from work. He rushed into the bathroom and said he had to attend a friend’s surprise birthday party and he’d be back soon. I was already feeling funny and wanted to pull him into the bedroom. But I thought I could wait it out till he got back. He called two hours later and said I should lock the doors as he’d be home late. I’d never felt so stupid and betrayed. I cried to bed that night and kept to myself for the rest of the week. 

    Derin*, 33

    At some point when I was dating my ex, I hadn’t seen him for up to nine months because we stayed in different states. When we finally decided to meet, I had to travel to Lagos. Before I left Ekiti, I used all the usables for sex — yoghurt and pineapple, pussy sweetener, Parlodel — because I really needed some action. This guy didn’t come home for three days and stopped answering my calls. I was alone in his house until I just packed my bags and left. That was the day I resolved to get a toy.

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    Jumoke*, 28

    Curiosity made me try out one of these natural sex health tips people share on Twitter. I had to blend dates, yoghurt and pineapple into a smoothie and drink. I didn’t notice anything on my first and second try, but I kept seeing people give testimonies, so I tried it one last time when my boyfriend was spending the weekend at mine. This time, it worked. I was horny and dripping wet, and immediately my he got to my house, we had a quickie. It was so intense he kept asking if I took anything, and I denied it. After he went out the next day, I made a fresh blend and took it in anticipation. That’s how he called, saying he couldn’t come back because something had come up at his mum’s. I played it cool since he didn’t know what I had in mind.

    Kemi*, 27

    My boyfriend always complains that I never initiate sex or make the next move. Truth is, I’m not so big on sex and could go months without it. But it became an issue between us, so I tried to spice things up. I told a friend about it, and she gave me Spanish fly. I took a drop, but it made all the difference, and I was fired up at night. When I tried to touch Uncle at night, he started forming he’s tired and not in the mood. I ended up touching myself because my vagina kept pulsating. That was the last time I initiated anything. 

    [ad]

    Ada*,25

    I had this crush in uni. We’d always flirt with each other while chatting. Soon, we started sexting, and I gave him the idea that I was a pro in bed. Truth is, I’m a one-minute girl, so when a guy takes too long, I lose interest. When we decided to meet, I wasn’t sure sex would happen, but I wanted to be prepared anyway, so I could live up to my sexting persona. I’d read somewhere that white wine does the trick. It worked because I was mad horny. I called this guy when it seemed he was running late, but he didn’t pick up. Texted, and he read with no response. This continued until it became clear he wouldn’t show up. I just finished the rest of my wine and went to sleep. 

    Read next: 7 Nigerian Men Share How Sex Was Different Than They Imagined

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • Nigeria 2024: What Can You Actually Afford Right Now?

    If you can’t relate to the inflation situation in Nigeria, I have three theories: You’ve cracked the code to safe money rituals, you’re from generational wealth, or you simply have a family member who’s squeezing the country dry. Move to one side, please. 

    Now that I have the attention of those of us who undulate between “God, abeg” and “God, when?” on a daily basis, I bring good tidings of where your money can still move like an odogwu. 

    Anything at Aswani market

    Nigeria 2024: What Can You Actually Afford Right Now?

    This Lagos market is the one place you can confidently go shopping with confidence that’s through the roof. It’s the only market where prices still go as low as ₦100 – ₦1000 for fashion and household items. 

    Rat poison

    Nigeria 2024: What Can You Actually Afford Right Now?

    I don’t know if you’re aware, but prices are relatively stable in the “War against rats” department. Poisons and rat gum under ₦500? The baller in you is still alive.

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    Airtime

    Nigeria 2024: What Can You Actually Afford Right Now?

    I’m not sure what the per-second billing is these days, but you know what I know? You can still recharge for as low as ₦50 and get data under ₦1k. God is good.

    Sliced yams

    You get to shame inflation and eat yam in your house. Think about it, why struggle to buy a tuber of yam for ₦2500 in the first place when you can comfortably afford three slices and not have to worry about the extra food prep? If you deep it, it’s actually giving “luxurious”.

    Kpomo

    The way turkey, chicken and fish move these days, we need to appreciate this king for staying consistent with the pricing. Beloved, your ₦100 – 200 will get you kpomo. It might look haggard and washed up, but even though! 

    [ad]

    Fufu

    Garri used to be that guy, but sorry to break it y’all, it’s time to port because what do you mean a bucket of garri is ₦3500? Anyway, fufu is king now. You’re good with that ₦100 budget. 

    Ice water

    Deep down, you might not want to admit that you’re poor and can’t afford pure water. But ask yourself, how long can you shell out ₦500 for a bag? My friend, let your ₦100 shake the ground in the ice water market.

    READ NEXT: How to Identify Your Wealthy Friends and Neighbours in Nigeria Right Now

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , ,
  • 12 “God Abeg” Moments Every Muslim Can Relate to During Ramadan

    Every Muslim knows that fasting during Ramadan is a different ball game. From messed up sleeping and eating patterns to keeping a clean spiritual slate, the month will test you.

    It’s officially day 9 of Ramadan and every fasting Muslim should have experienced one or all of these moments.

    The struggle to wake up

    12 “God Abeg” Moments Every Muslim Can Relate to During Ramadan

    If you live alone, you’ll keep snoozing the alarm until your consciousness jerks you off the bed. Then, you realise it’s too late to eat. So you just drink water. God, abeg.

    The Sahur existential confusion

    12 “God Abeg” Moments Every Muslim Can Relate to During Ramadan

    You know how you wake up in the morning and don’t know WTF is going on? Let’s just say the confusion is ten times worse during Ramadan.

    Trying to finish a gallon of water before fajr

    12 “God Abeg” Moments Every Muslim Can Relate to During Ramadan

    OG Muslims know there’s no point overeating or over drinking during Sahur, but the JJCs try to drink as much water as they possibly can seconds before Fajr — the morning prayer.

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    And still waking up thirsty

    After the struggle to wake up for sahoor, the second test of Ramadan is waking up thirsty in the morning. Then when you’re about to help yourself, you’ll remember you can’t drink or eat until later in the day.

    When people keep asking “even water”

    Ramadan has been around for as long as ever, but trust non-fasting folks to always act like it’s brand new every year. But then again, it’s not Ramadan if this question hasn’t come your way.

    The concert in your tummy

    12 “God Abeg” Moments Every Muslim Can Relate to During Ramadan

    This happens seven to nine hours into the fasting day. The hunger growls get louder, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

    Hoping the Imam speeds things up

    12 “God Abeg” Moments Every Muslim Can Relate to During Ramadan

    Whether it’s the regular day prayers or the evening taraweeh, there’s a teeny-weeny angry thought that creeps into your mind when the imam goes for lengthy verses. Does he not know that folks are weak and hungry?

    Missing your shoes at the mosque

    Is it really Ramadan if you don’t lose your slippers at the mosque during taraweeh? Nothing concerns the slippers thieves with abstaining from sins during the holy month.

    When the period shows up

    Some ladies can act like they’ll miss the few days of fasting but deep down they’re happy AF they finally get to rekindle their love for food.

    [ad]

    The urge to drink ablution water

    Many things will test you during Ramadan and one of them is fighting the urge to nick a drop of water for your patched throat every time you do an ablution.

    The chaotic meals mid Ramadan

    12 “God Abeg” Moments Every Muslim Can Relate to During Ramadan

    Forget the food bloggers or the recipes you saved on IG. By the nighttime, you’ll probably be too tired to do anything. Water for sahoor might seem aiit and noodles for iftar settles it for you.

    The soft guilt on eid-morning

    You’re supposed to have breakfast before you go to the mosque on Eid but that soft guilt always comes through before you remember “Oh, I can eat. Ramadan is done with”.

    Read next: How to Make Time Faster During Ramadan

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , ,
  • Easter Is Upon Us: Enjoy It These 7 Ways

    Easter may not be as lively as Christmas, but it comes with days away from capitalism, so enjoy it in these fun and uncomplicated ways.

    Palm Sunday swag

    It’s normal to make crosses out of palm leaves during Easter. But do you remember how we hung the palm cross around our necks like chains? Yeah, you’re not too old to do that and even rock it all day. Feeling like a kid again is fun; you should try it.

    Sing a special number at church

    See it as an open mic to sing about Christ’s death or resurrection. The applause that’ll come after will have you feeling like a superstar.

    Family drama group 

    Gather your family and set up the stage in your living room. You can act as Judas Iscariot, Mary, Jesus or one of the two thieves beside him. Not only would you give the rundown of one of the most dramatic Christian stories, but you’ll also strengthen your family bond. What’s better than that?

    Sunday night parade

    Join your church members to sing and drum in the middle of the night to announce that Christ has arisen from death. It’s outside, fun and cheap.

    Food exchange

    Where’s the fun in cooking jollof rice or frejon in your house and not sharing it with neighbours and friends?

    Lock in with family

    What’s better than spending time with your family this Easter, with all the laughter, cooking and chores? It’s what Mary and Joseph would’ve wanted, if Jesus didn’t have to sacrifice for a big mission. 

    Sleep

    It’s completely fine if all you want to do is sleep throughout the Easter period. It’s a short window to recuperate for your capitalist overlords.

    Forget Rice, Eat These 7 Bible-Inspired Meals This Easter

    Tomide Marv

    , , ,
  • QUIZ: Which Internet Provider Are You?

    Chioma Munachi

    , , ,
  • QUIZ: How Well Do You Know Your Pidgin Proverbs?

    Nyash no get teeth, but e dey cut shit

    The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
    Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy

    Tomide Marv

    , , , ,
  • The Funniest Things That Happened During Kai Cenat’s Visit to Nigeria

    Unless you live under a rock, or internet service providers stole your joy these last few days, you’d know Nigeria recently received an August visitor. August because it’s not every day a 22-year-old American content creator visits the country and grown folks lose their shit.

    While Kai Cenat is now in Ghana causing similar chaos, here’s a breakdown of what went down during his Nigerian visit.

    Shank’s airport hero’s welcome

    The Funniest Things That Happened During Kai Cenat’s Visit to Nigeria

    We don’t know why it had to be Shank, but our boy was at the international airport with singers and drummers to welcome Kai BBNaija royal homecoming style. He then proceeded to make Kai dance to a chant of his new name “Femi Omo Werey”.

    The Davido hijacking

    The Funniest Things That Happened During Kai Cenat’s Visit to Nigeria

    You know how you invite your cool friends to the house, and your siblings hijack them from you? This was Davido. He’s currently getting the heat for being an “agbaya” by ruining one of Shank’s planned activities with Kai. On their way to the spot, Davido’s security aide scared the shit outta Kai after telling him the location wasn’t safe. 

    Na mumu dey go boutique

    Our boy Cenat hit one of the local markets and got a little too excited when he saw an “original” Louis Vuitton duffel bag priced at $14. What can we say? Our Igbo brothers came through. 

    AmeriNigerian accent on steroids

    The Funniest Things That Happened During Kai Cenat’s Visit to Nigeria

    We have just one question: Why does the Nigerian brain betray the Nigerian tongue when we have to interact with people from the Abroad? From Shank to Davido, Cubana Chiefpriest and every other random person Kai met, everyone almost bit their tongues trying to “Wanna-Gonna”.

    That awkward Cubana Chiefpriest link up

    During a night out at the club, Chiefpriest AKA Industry Egbon Adugbo pulled the “I love you brother” card to which Kai replied: “I love you UNCLE”. That response was heavy on the “70 year old man” vibes.

    “No talk that one o”

    The Funniest Things That Happened During Kai Cenat’s Visit to Nigeria

    During a road trip, Kai and Davido stopped to greet some fans, and the content creator hollered, “Who dey?” unprovoked. Davido quickly shut him down with, “No talk that one o.” OBO needs to explain why he’s never given fans this same warning.

    Davido spilled some tea unprovoked

    We need answers to why Davido moved around Kai like a kid in a candy store, saying, “I don’t know if I should be saying this…” Why did he make an on-the-spot announcement his management probably didn’t co-sign? Anyway, a new album with 15 songs and six features is on the way.

    Casamigos a la water

    Kai was bamboozled for real and had questions after he downed ten shots of Casamigos and didn’t feel a damn thing. In Shank’s words: “Welcome to Lagos, bro.”

    Breakfast

    What’s the complete Nigerian experience without breakfast served hot hot? Shank introduced a couple of ladies to Kai and got him to choose his Nigerian princess. 48 hours after choosing a lady identified as Chisom, he found out she’s got a boo. He’s probably still stewing in the heartbreak in Ghana. 

    Read this next: 17 Annoying Things Nigerian Guests Do When They Visit

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , ,
  • All The Types of People You’ll Meet at a Community Festival

    Abort mission if you get to the location and one or all of these people are MIA. 

    The lovebirds

    All The Types of People You’ll Meet at a Community Festival

    You might be tempted to pour sand in their garri, but they make for a good festival ambience. All their lovey-dovey, “touch me, I touch you” shticks will have you rooting for love. 

    The clique

    All The Types of People You’ll Meet at a Community Festival

    They’re a bunch of four to six super cool friends who go everywhere together, and they even rock similar outfits. If the lovebirds don’t move you, these ones will surely make you reconsider cutting people off and ending up without your own clique.

    The fashion killers

    All The Types of People You’ll Meet at a Community Festival

    Nothing concerns these ones with “It’s just a casual community festival”. They come to serve Vogue cover-worthy fashion, and you better believe they’ll eat with no crumbs left. You’ll learn a thing or two about fashion from them. 

    The ones who came for food

    Yes, they care about live performances and the other cool people at the party, but their number priority is food. They’re either out and about for free tastings, haggling prices with vendors or making plans for their takeaway packs.

    The content creators

    All The Types of People You’ll Meet at a Community Festival

    These ones know that social media is half “Show evidence” and half “It didn’t happen”, so they come prepared with their phones, power banks and chargers to capture all the beautiful Instagram-worthy moments.

    [ad]

    The cool kids

    They only want to have a good time, chill, and network with like-minded people. The good thing about them? They’re always up for cool convos, so they just might be your next best friends.

    The Poco Lee protégés

    They’re the walking representation of “I’m here for a good time”. Even if the DJ spins Celine Dion or Lana Del Rey, they’ll still find a way to bust fire dance moves for TikTok.

    The single and searching

    These ones came strictly to find love. Their major festival to-do is to participate in speed dating.

    We’re collaborating with One bank to bring all these cool people to our yard on Saturday, May 11, 2024, at Muri Okunola Park.

    Want to be a part of “Strings Attached”, the hottest community festival ever? All you have to do is download the OneBank by Sterling app, create a new account using ZIKOKO as the referral code, and your ticket will be reserved. The free tickets will be given out on a first-come, first-served basis, so hit the app store ASAP.

    Read this next: All The Activities to Look Forward to at a Community Festival

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , ,
  • QUIZ: When Will You Start Earning ₦800k/month?

    Tomide Marv

    , , , , ,
  • We Ranked the Matriculation Gowns of 12 Nigerian Polytechnics

    As a fresh undergrad, your matriculation gown should spark nothing but pure joy to keep you in a constant loop of delulu so you’ll forget the years of premium shege ahead. If it cannot do something as basic as that, there’s a problem.

    Today, I shifted focus from universities to see what’s happening in the academic fashion department of polytechnics. Let’s see what I found.

    Kaduna Polytechnic

    We Ranked the Matriculation Gowns of 12 Nigerian Polytechnics

    Photo source: InfoSuleja

    If they had to be low-effort and go for blue, can they at least combine it with a different colour? Navy blue and sky blue? Haba.

    Rufus Giwa Polytechnic

    Photo source: Rugipopress

    Another uninspiring spread of blue. Also, why do the caps look like they were pulled out from the bottom of a Ghana-must-go in an abandoned staff room?

    Federal Polytechnic, Ede

    We Ranked the Matriculation Gowns of 12 Nigerian Polytechnics

    Photo source: X

    The looks on these freshers’ faces should tell you everything you need to know about how they feel about this gown.

    Osun State Polytechnic, Ire

    We Ranked the Matriculation Gowns of 12 Nigerian Polytechnics

    They’re only on this spot because I found Ede’s picture before theirs. I mean, if you take out the red and replace it with wine, what’s the difference between their gowns?

    Federal Polytechnic, Bauchi

    We Ranked the Matriculation Gowns of 12 Nigerian Polytechnics

    Photo source: TribuneOnline

    When your gown rhymes with the plastic chair at your matriculation ceremony, you know the school doesn’t give a flying fuck about looks. They get a pass for dry cleaning sha.

    YabaTech, Lagos

    Photo source: Facebook

    If you look at this picture with squinted eyes, you will see tubers of yam. I’m not even joking.

    Federal Polytechnic Ilaro

    Photo:TheNation

    Let’s just say they made it to this spot for branching out from any shade of blue. The gown still screams “mid” sha.

    Kano State Polytechnic

    We Ranked the Matriculation Gowns of 12 Nigerian Polytechnics

    Photo source: Kanopoly.edu

    Do my eyes deceive me or is that an agriculture and lemon green combo? I guess it’s better than blue.

     [ad]

    Delta state polytechnic

    Photo source: Facebook

    You know what? I rate this gown, and I’ll gladly rock it. But if you ask me why they made it this high on this ranking, I couldn’t tell.

    Moshood Abiola Polytechnic

    We Ranked the Matriculation Gowns of 12 Nigerian Polytechnics

    Photo source: Facebook

    I admit the execution could’ve been better, but management pulled their weight to stand out from the clutter. They get a heavy C+.

    Lagos State Polytechnic

    Photo source: Facebook

    Can we take a moment to appreciate this institution for thinking outside the box with the customised edges? They get a B+.

    Federal Polytechnic, Ukana

    Photo source: Fedpolyukana.edu.ng

    I don’t know if it’s because the gowns are dry cleaned or it’s the cool red and black combo, but they rightfully deserve this spot.

    Read next: We Ranked the School Uniforms of 15 Nigerian Private Schools

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • How to Make Time Faster During Ramadan

    Possible hunger aside, time is your biggest op while fasting. It’s painfully slow and drab on most days. But what if we told you there are ways to embrace delulu and willfully believe that an angel in heaven’s time management department has pressed fast forward?

    Embrace hard labour

    How to Make Time Faster During Ramadan

    You know how you can get into house chores very early in the morning and next thing you know,  it’s 3 p.m? Exactly. Hard labour speeds up time.

    Don’t work from home

    How to Make Time Faster During Ramadan

    Let’s just say time moves faster when you’re not in your house during Ramadan. By the time capitalism and Naija traffic finishes with you, 7 p.m. for don knack.

    Remove every time-tracking device

    How to Make Time Faster During Ramadan

    Deactivate the clock on your phone, gather your wristwatches and lock ‘em up for a month. Finally, remove batteries from the clocks in your house. The day moves faster when you have no sense of time.

    [ad]

    And divide the day into prayers

    How to Make Time Faster During Ramadan

    Don’t think of the day in hours during Ramadan; think of it in prayers. Let’s do the maths: After you pray Dhuhr, remind yourself there are two prayers left. After  Asr, there is one prayer left, and when you pray Maghrib you’re done. 3 prayers >>> 14 hours.

    Avoid sleep

    True OGs know that 10 hours of Ramadan sleep is one hour of sleep in real life. So therefore, thou shall not slumber. Stay woke.

    Trek-a-thon

    Instead of sitting your ass in a private or public ride, hit the ground walking. That one hour road trip will be four hours by foot. Before you get to your destination, time to break for don reach.

    Remember, Ramadan is low key the official fitfam month for Muslims, so it doesn’t hurt.

    Plan a mosque tour

    Most mosques run daily lecturing programmes during Ramadan. Set out every day with at least seven new addresses. Before you reach the sixth or seventh location, it’ll almost be time to break.

    READ NEXT: What to Include in Your Ramadan Fruit Basket on a ₦5k Budget

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    As a fresh corps member in Nigeria, you’ll spend three weeks at the NYSC orientation camp of the state you’ve been posted to. And these three weeks can be hell or heaven, depending on the state.

    Since very little will prepare you for exactly what you’ll witness in camp, we decided to do the Lord’s work and give you a glimpse of ten orientation camps to start.

    Kogi

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Cassie Davies

    Location: Asaya, Kabba LGA

    The Kogi state governor needs to swing into action and give this camp a major facelift. Just look at that abandoned public school classroom cosplaying as a camp clinic. God, abeg.

    Enugu

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Instagram/@nyscenugu

    Location: Awgu LGA

    Why are they feeding human beings through the louvers? And that red soil. This camp will stain your white, so you better pack cash for laundry.

    Kwara

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Instagram/@nysc_kwara

    Location: Yikpata, Edu LGA

    I’ve got two questions: What do the FG and NYSC have against tarring the camp grounds? Do they get commission from the laundry guys?

    Ebonyi

    Photo source: Ebonyinysccamp

    Location: Macgregor College, Afikpo LGA

    I don’t know if it’s the pictures or this camp is heavy on the Nollywood village grammar school vibes.

    Anambra

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Instagram/@officialnyscanambra

    Location: Umuawulu/Mbaukwu Awka South LGA

    That first photo must’ve been carefully orchestrated for PR. Who asked for a view of the camp through a palm tree-lined path? I suppose nature lovers would have a swell time camping here… if they can manage all that red soil.

    Ondo

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Instagram/@ondonysc_camp

    Location: Ikare Akoko LGA

    Is it my eyes or this camp is giving Obudu Cattle Ranch? They get five points for that volleyball court.

    Oyo

    Photo source: Instagram/@oyokopa

    Location: Iseyin

    Tarred roads, a volleyball court and a splash of greenery? Yes, please. But why do I feel like there’ll be a lot of long-distance trekking in this camp?

    Ogun 

    Photo source: Instagram/@obsnyscogunstate

    Location: Sagamu

    I had no idea what to expect from Ogun state but surely not this nice auditorium and amphitheatre. They get B+ for effort.

    Lagos

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Instagram/@nyscenugu

    Location: Iyana-ipaja

    Lagos camp still doesn’t have a main auditorium in almighty 2024. But if you can forgive this, they’ve got the nicest volleyball court and badass three-storey hostels. Love it.

    Rivers

    Photo source: X

    Location: Nonwa Gbam Tai LGA

    You should have all the bragging rights with no questions asked when your main auditorium looks like this. 

    Enjoyed reading about NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria? Read this next: “I Was Posted to a Funeral Home” — Ex-Corp Members Share Their Wildest NYSC Experiences

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

    , , ,
  • QUIZ: This Quiz Will Tell You Your Financial Ranking Within Your Friend Group

    [ad]

    Tomide Marv

    , ,
  • 11 Questions We Have About “Anikulapo: Rise of the Spectre”

    Kunle Afolayan’s new six-part TV show picked up where the feature film left off. And while it’s a captivating show with an okay storyline, it left us with more questions than answers.

    First of all, why was Saro different from the other ghosts?

    It’s understandable that Saro’s cloth tore before he died. But he got to heaven’s gate, and out of all the ghosts, he was the only one who didn’t apply Nixoderm on his face?

    What was with the one female member of the Oyomesi?

    She barely said five lines in the entire show. She’s a chief, for God’s sake. 

    Why did Saro’s murder victims help him? 

    Instead of forcibly dragging Saro to hell with them, they instead launched a palmwine business and made Saro the CEO? Did they have debts to pay and needed an alive hustler to gather money for them? Their help just doesn’t make sense.

    Why did the mystical being give Arolake wealth? 

    The mystical being just woke her up and gave her money. No bargain. No tit for tat. Just straight benevolence? Doesn’t sound very mystical of them.

    The queen’s nephew just so happened to be The Flash?

    If the spy wasn’t The Flash, tell me how his speed matched Akin’s who was on horseback?

    Why did Arolake see the Alaafin again?

    Not only did Arolake have a second chance at life, she became liquidly wealthy and she finally found a good lover in Akin. But she still returned to the palace where she was just the king’s pleasure toy and unloved by the other queens? Do you love trauma, dear Arolake?

    What was the use of Arolake’s one million guards?

    People kept slipping through to see her. Bashorun is a warrior, an expert in things like that, but what about the queen’s nephew? How come no one saw him till he reached the window?

    Kuranga consummated in his in-laws’ house?

    He’s of royal blood. He came to marry a bride from another royal family. Isn’t he supposed to take his bride back to his kingdom? What in the no-culture was going on?

    Why did Bashorun die so easily?

    One would’ve thought the fight would take longer, as per “strong and mighty”. Man was just a regular-ass warrior.

    Why did Awarun warm up to Arolake? 

    Awarun’s coziness to Arolake at the end of the series is baffling. Aside from the fact that Awarun (Saro’s first lover) knew Arolake was the queen Saro ditched her for in the movie, she also knew their elopement was why Saro ended up becoming her son-in-law. So, one big family, from where to where?

    Why didn’t any of them age?

    Years after years since they kicked Saro out of Oyo, and Omowunmi, the Oyo princess looked exactly the same? The Alaafin of Oyo didn’t get a wrinkle? His back didn’t bend? Also, how come Arolake looked years younger in the series when she looked like an old woman at the end of the previous movie?

    You can also learn how to Find Arolake’s Money Bag and Defeat Poverty

    Tomide Marv

    , ,
  • You Need These 7 Essentials to Survive the Nigerian Heat

    It might’ve rained a bit, but there’s still no light. If we’re being honest, the rain hasn’t done much to cancel our suspicion that someone is dragging this nation to hell or to replace Mercury in proximity to the sun. 

    In summary, it’s hot AF, but these essentials will keep you from melting.

    A good rechargeable fan

    The emphasis here is on “good”. What’s the point of a rechargeable fan that needs to be plugged to a power bank before it gives two hours of cool breeze? It either comes correct or not at all, please.

    Nivea Deo Dry

    See, this heat will make you sweat, and wearing the lightest of clothes won’t prevent that. But you don’t need to look or smell like your problem — sweat stains are so 1999. Stock up on Nivea Dry Range deodorants to stay fresh for longer. 

    Money

    I refuse to believe the same heat flogging us mere mortals is the same heat dealing with the people in Banana Island. Okay, wait. Banana-Island-money is a stretch. Let’s focus on getting money to buy air conditioners or even something at the mall so you can enjoy mall AC small.

    The prayers of your ancestors

    We might think it’s a joke, but someone out there might be actually dragging this nation to the flames of hell. Start praying to your ancestors so their plan won’t work. Add some bonus prayers to touch NEPA’s heart so they do the needful too. We can’t be battling heat and no light at the same time.

    Running water

    Because bathing twice a day was for Harmattan. Now, you have to consider three times and above. 

    Pro tip: Using the Nivea Dry Range deodorants will keep you feeling dry and fresh for longer, so you won’t have to spend all your time in the bathroom.

    A rich partner

    Specifically, a partner who has a car with a working AC. Trust me, you DO NOT want to drag danfo buses in these perilous times. Or, even worse, having to sit beside sweaty people who haven’t discovered Nivea Dry Deo.

    A freezer

    In the hot season, your freezer isn’t just for freezing food items, it can also serve as a makeshift bed when the heat wants to take your life. Are we asking you to sleep in a functioning freezer? Nah. Where’s the light for that? But at least, the freezer lid will still be slightly cool without electricity. So, sleep away. 

    PS: If you don’t get any other thing on this list, you see that Nivea Dry Range deodorant? It shouldn’t be missing from your essentials. You’ll thank us later.

    [ad]

    Tife Oni

    , , ,