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  • Do You Miss Buhari?

    People say your twenties are the best years of your life. But currently, it’s starting to look like, for many Nigerians, our twenties might be filled with groceries, floating berries and discovering new ways to cover Nigeria by foot. 

    It’s been barely two months since the fuel prices more than doubled from N197 to N537 per litre following the fuel subsidy removal on May 29, 2023. And while still trying to adjust to our new economic realities, on June 18, fresh news broke of yet another surge in fuel price to over N600 per litre. 

    According to Chinedu Okoronkwo, the President of the Independent Petroleum Marketers Association of Nigeria (IPMAN), the recent price hike is to help the petrol marketers themselves stay in business. He explained that the subsidy removal adversely affected their business so much that many have been unable to raise enough money to load from depots and the Nigerian National Petroleum Company (NNPC) Limited. 

    It’s alarming that we’re hardly 100 days into this new government, and life’s already unbelievably hard for citizens. It will now cost almost triple the amount it did in May to fill your vehicle’s fuel tank, and due to the current 22.79% inflation rate, food will get even more expensive. 

    And I really hate to have to say this, but it looks like maybe Bubu wasn’t that bad. We know being president was more of a side gig for him, and his real job was touring Europe, but at least we weren’t at risk of having a $1 to N1000 exchange rate. President Tinubu promised us renewed hope, but the only thing that has been renewed is our subscription to another four years of suffering in 4D. 

    What Else Happened This Week?

    Police Arrest Suspected Cultists in Enugu State

    On July 18, 2023, the Enugu State Police Command announced the arrest of 18 members of the Black Axe Confraternity who allegedly had plans to cause trouble during their 7/7 day celebration.  

    Download the Citizen Election Report: Navigating Nigeria’s Political Journey

    The cultists were found in different locations in the state, and along with their arrest, the police recovered one pump action gun, six live ammunition (cartridges), three black berets with the inscription “Black Axe”, one sharp battle axe, three drums, three black-yellow face-caps with “Ezeagu Sub Zone 7 7” inscribed on them, and one yellow scarf. According to DSP Daniel Ndukwe, the spokesperson for the Enugu State Police Command, the suspects will be arraigned in court once investigations are concluded. 

    If you’ve ever wondered what the legal punishment for cultism in Nigeria is, under the Criminal Code Act, anyone found guilty of cult activities or permitting meetings to be held in their residence is liable to a 3-year imprisonment. On the other hand, the Penal Code, which applies to Northern Nigeria, allows for 7-year imprisonment.

    Question of the week

    It’s not news that there has been a recent hike in the tuition fees of federal universities. Do you think this surge will improve Nigeria’s quality of education?

    Video of the week

    @zikokocitizen

    FCCPC & Google is putting loan apps in their place! In this video, we explain how the regulator and tech giant plans to crack down on loan apps that shame borrowers who don’t pay back their loans. Watch, like and share this video #zkkcitizen #zikoko #nigeria #techcabal #politics #loan

    ♬ Scary music horror mystery(1040775) – parts di manta

    Ehen one more thing…

    People change their names for many reasons, such as marriage, career demands, or simply a desire for a new identity. Changing your name in Nigeria is relatively straightforward, but you need to take a few important steps.

    To ensure you don’t miss out on the next edition of Game of Votes, subscribe to the newsletter here.

    Tolu Omotesho

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  • How to Hold Nepa’s Cloth in 2023, According to the Law

    When God said, “Let there be light”, Nigeria blinked. The little electricity we get is for seeing shege non-stop, and that is not about to end this year.

    Despite the fact that some petrol stations are selling fuel between ₦250-300 per litre, and electricity poles are trying to kill us; Nigeria is about to show us that our situation can and will get worse. 

    Electricity year rights

    Many people have complained about the country’s electricity state for many weeks. 24-hour electricity isn’t regular for many of us, but in the last couple of weeks, there’s been little to no power supply. Those lucky enough to get blessed by the Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN) have electricity for a few minutes, at best hours, once or twice a week.

    Electricity year rights

    What are the Electricity Distribution Companies (DisCos) saying?  

    Although there has been no official statement from the DisCos, Ikeja Electric and Eko Distribution company gave the following reasons on their Twitter pages when asked for information on what was going on:

    • Low power generation
    • Some areas have ongoing maintenance work by the Transmission Company of Nigeria (TCN).

    Unfortunately, many Nigerians are in the dark about what’s happening, which shouldn’t be, and there’s a law to back this up.

    What is this legislation?

    According to the Nigerian Electricity Regulatory Commission (NERC), Electricity Distribution Companies (DisCos) are mandated by law to notify their customers in writing before Nigeria’s electricity service disconnection. In simple terms, if there isn’t going to be light for a couple of days, it is within our rights to be informed beforehand in writing. 

    It’s not shocking that this regulation isn’t being followed, as many of us had no idea it even existed in the first place. However, this isn’t the only right we are entitled to as electricity consumers.

    We have the right to contest an electricity bill

    It’s not uncommon to hear complaints of being overcharged for electricity that was barely even available in the first place. And although we’d usually pay irrespective of the fact that it seems unfair, it is within our rights to contest the bill brought. If more Nigerians start paying attention to this, it won’t be long before we start seeing changes in the power sector in this regard.

    It isn’t our responsibility to repair, replace or buy transformers or electric poles

    This seems like common knowledge, but citizens often take this burden on themselves as the government either takes years to meet these demands or shies away from the responsibility altogether.

    With elections less than a month away, the ruling party is giving Nigerians reasons not to vote them in again. Can they pull a miracle before February 25th, or should we accept this difficult lifestyle as the new norm?

    Are you signed up to our Game of Votes newsletter yet? We help you make sense of news jargon and keep you up-to-date especially with election news. Make the subscription of a lifetime here

    Tolu Omotesho

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  • Fuel Depot Price Is Now 151 Naira. Should We Run To Togo?

    Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

    The ex-depot price of Premium Motor Spirit (PMS) or Petroleum is now N151.56 per litre. Of course, you won’t find this dark news on the PPMC’s website (except you go on the dark web, haha). But the Petroleum Pricing Marketing Company is the subsidiary of the NNPC empowered to “profitably and efficiently market refined petroleum products” in Nigeria, and they have dealt us their hand, albeit via kurukere and under g means.

    Peep the “Internal Memorandum”:

    “There are leaks everywhere, even in your boxers” – Lord Baelish

    How Does This Affect The Price of Garri In The Market?

    Tbh, this news shouldn’t come as a surprise. NNPC’s Mele Kyari had announced since April that there was no more subsidy on fuel products, which means that government was no more paying the difference between the Expected Open Market Price (EOMP) of fuel and the pump price.

    Basically, how fuel subsidy works is that government pays the difference between the EOMP and the pump price (or retail price), so that you, the consumer and citizen, does not not end up paying an overly exorbitant price for fuel.

    The EOMP contains the purchase, landing and distribution cost of refined petroleum. The government pays a part of this price so that the end price is bearable to Nigerians. This end price is then the “pump price or retail price” of fuel, and all of this prices are regulated by the PPPRA – Petroleum Products Pricing and Regulatory Agency. Of course, the agency responsible for the pricing of petroleum products in Nigeria.

    Again I ask, Will Garri Be More Expensive?

    Pardon my fixation with Garri. I really like Garri I can’t lie, even though not like some oga I know whose name start with a certain F. But, is this fuel price increase bearable?

    Tbh there has never been a good time to increase product prices anywhere in the world. I mean, I have never heard a Nigerian market woman talk about good sales during Xmas. Its the same old “Market is not moving this year o”.

    But this roughly N151 per litre ex-depot price increase is particularly notable because crude oil is only selling at $45. So why should fuel prices be increasing this much when the cost of the underlying commodity, crude oil, is still low. I mean, China has to buy crude oil before refining and selling back to Nigerian marketers. So why this high retail cost? And then it struck me – foreign exchange.

    Note that fuel price increase for August was N138.52 per litre. And so what we have in Sepetember is a N13.04 increase. Meanwhile, June’s recommended fuel price was N121.50 per litre. So what is the message? It is that the landing cost keeps getting higher? Perhaps because of the devaluation of the naira and the increase in dollar.

    But this price would have been offset if there was a subsidy, which there currently isn’t. What’s more? The PPPRA who stated that they would be issuing monthly “market based guiding price for petroleum” have not issued anything for two months now.

    And We Have Been Talking About Ex-Depot Price

    Note: Ex-depot price, not retail or pump price.

    Essentially, oil marketers like your ‘filling stations’ will still have to input additional prices after purchasing a litre of oil from the depot at N151.56. Many of them have stated that retail price are in para mode and they have stated that retail price may go as high as N160, as they will add “whatever the NNPC has added to the depot price”.

    Well, we just have to wait and see, and drink more Garri. Nothing is impossible with MBuhari on the throne.

    Check back every weekday by 10am for more Zikoko Citizen articles.

    Doyin Olagunju

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  • 13 Things About Nigerian Fuel Attendants That Are Just Too Real

    1. How the attendant that called you first looks at you when you go to someone else:

    Uncle, no vex.

    2. When fuel is now N145/L and the attendant asks “fill up?”

    Respect yourself, biko.

    3. Your face, when the attendant still asks for keg money.

    Are you not wicked?

    4. How they look at you when you ask to pay with POS:

    Ah! Sorry oh.

    5. When you ask for N3,000 fuel and they stop at N2,999.99.

    Don’t vex me today.

    6. When they are still holding your change and telling you “happy weekend”.

    Biko bring my change before we start fighting.

    7. You, when the attendant puts more fuel than you asked for.

    Na you sabi.

    8. How they start feeling whenever there is fuel scarcity:

    Be doing like king.

    9. When you queue up for hours and you now hear “fuel don finish”.

    Better go and find.

    10. When you said “full tank” and the meter is showing N7,000 but you only have N5,000.

    HAY GOD!

    11. Whenever you take your eyes off the meter the attendants be like:

    So they can cheat you well.

    12. When you finish buying fuel and they still have the mind to ask “anything for boys?”

    See this one.

    13. When the attendant that was forming for you during scarcity tries to greet you.

    Just save it.

    Daniel Orubo

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  • The Complete Guide To Surviving The Fuel Price Increase In Nigeria

    1. Cars are for suckers. Buy yourself a horse.

    That’s one less thing that needs petrol.

    2. Don’t go out.

    If you won’t get a horse, then the next best thing is to stay permanently in your house. Because the truth is, there really isn’t anything important out there.

    3. If your friends ask you to come and hang out, say no. Because fuel.

    Fuel don cost.

    4. If you’re in more than one relationship, now is the time to bring it down to one.

    Maintenance costs have doubled.

    5. Beware of the people that want to do you favors that require crossing Third Mainland bridge.

    Do they mean you well?

    6. When you’re driving and you encounter traffic. Get down and start walking.

    But lock your car. You’re saving fuel.

    7. It’s only been 5 years, but move in with the one partner you have left.

    It’s efficient. And romantic.

    8. Tell your partner: No more driving to fancy restaurants.

    YES!

    9. Stop spending money. Our forefathers survived on trade by barter.

    We can, too.

    10. You and the heat.

    You should be one now.

    11. Nigerian generator time used to be 7-10pm. Now it’s 8-10pm. Adjust accordingly.

    Not even 10:01pm.

    12. Whenever it rains, you already know not to put the gen on.

    Use the breeze of God.

    13. Quit any job that is more than 15 minutes away from your house.

    Who needs a job?

    14. Marry into a petrol wealth family…Alakija…Otedola.

    It’s a by force thing oh!

    15. Pray for Nigeria.

    Fast. Pray. Light Candles. Say the Fatiha. Offer up Benediction. Dance. Do prayer of the faithful. Give sacrifices.

    Odunayo

    , , ,
  • QUIZ: Can We Guess How Much Fuel Is In Your Fuel Tank?



    Odunayo

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  • Are Nigerians Ready For The Fuel Subsidy Removal?
    The year 2012 witnessed one of the biggest protests ever staged in Nigeria. Former President Goodluck Jonathan, tried to remove the fuel subsidy but Nigerians weren’t having it. However, on May 11 2016, the fuel subsidy was finally removed by the Buhari administration and it meant petrol will be sold at N145 per litre.

    Although experts have argued that the country spends trillions of Naira on the subsidy which has not even benefited Nigerians…

    They should have warned us sha.

    Nigerians are still going to be the ones most affected by the increase in fuel price.

    Because the country is already harsh enough on Nigerians.

    Does this even guarantee an increase in the minimum wage?

    https://twitter.com/AndyMadaki/status/730530781873999873

    Will our employers increase our salaries too?

    The bus fares are going to be unbelievable.

    https://twitter.com/Dxski_/status/730502189710508032

    How much will a full tank cost now?

    https://twitter.com/Monaayy/status/730482261519388674

    Some people have obviously been hoarding fuel all this while.

    https://twitter.com/Dxski_/status/730668114489266176

    Will things be better for the unborn generation of Nigerians?

    No more going to pick anybody up again abeg.

    Even though Nigerians are angry, some people still want to collect the prize for Chief Amebo of Nigeria.

    It’s time to get our hustles up.

    The subsidy removal better mark the end of fuel scarcity…

    And we hope Nigerians will benefit from the subsidy removal as explained by the petroleum minister.

    Maryam

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  • 11 Hilarious Excuses Our Politicians Could Give For The Extreme Heat In Nigeria
    Nigeria is very hot! And what makes it more unbearable is that there’s no light to even power air conditioners or electric fans. On top of that, there’s no fuel to power generators even though some people have been making false promises. A Twitter user, @Zebbook, shared 11 hilarious responses Nigerians should expect from Nigerian politicians concerning the heat in Nigeria:

    Journalist: “What are your thoughts on this heat Nigerians are complaining about, and what is the government doing about it?”

    2. Lai Mohammed: “This is the result of PDP’s misrule, they stole the ozone layer”.

    3. Femi Adesina: “Mr President promised us change, and that includes change in temperature. Change is here, embrace change”.

    4. Akinwumi Ambode: “We have signed a $10 million deal with LG to install air conditioning across the Lagos skyline”.

    5. Ibe Kachikwu: “I assure you that this heat will disappear by 2pm on 29th May”.

    6. Bukola Saraki: “Tinubu wanted the heat to be more than this, but I opposed him out of my love for Nigeria and that’s why they are witch hunting me”.

    7. Goodluck Jonathan: “The heat was not this bad when I left power, but Nigerians did not appreciate me”.

    8. Adams Oshiomhole: “Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala stole the N100 billion meant for temperature control research”.

    9. Nasir El-Rufai: “We’re in talks with General Electric to see how they can generate power from this heat”.

    10. Rauf Aregbesola: “I just approved payment of January salary so Osun workers can buy hand fans”.

    11. Aliko Dangote: “Next week, we are commissioning the Dangote fan factory. By 2030, Australia will be buying fans from us”.

    12. Ben Bruce: *Tweets* “When Naira is weak and inflation is high automatically there will be heat. This is common sense”.

    Maryam

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  • This Petrol Black Marketer Has Branded His Business But Haters Will Say It’s Illegal

    It has been over three months of fuel scarcity in Nigeria. One day it will kuku come to an end.

    But while the fuel scarcity continues, the queues are ridiculous at fuel stations that have fuel and sell at pump price.

    The few stations that sell above pump price still experience queues because fuel has become gold.

    And because some people find a way to profit out of unfavorable conditions, guess who are cashing in from the fuel scarcity? Yes, the petrol black marketers!

    And this guy has opened shop and is ‘branding’ his petrol black market business.

    He named his business Imole Ayo Oil and Gas, but haters will say it’s just keg and marker.

    Haters will call this attempt at branding illegal but sha, we hope the fuel scarcity ends soon enough.

    Maryam

    , , , ,
  • The Complete Guide To Surviving Nigeria Without Fuel And Electricity
    How many weeks has it been since we had fuel and light simultaneously? Or you know, even one after the other. But you know, we are Nigerians, so we have to survive.

    1. Always remember that this period is not the time to be moving up and down.

    If it’s not urgent, you’re not going.

    2. Instead of driving your own car or paying for bus, mount a truck.

    You won’t spend money or fuel. Imagine the breeze though!

    3. Before you visit anyone, ask them if they have fuel. If they do, will their generator be on?

    Let’s not waste each other’s time.

    4. Banish the spirit of shame that will not let you charge your phone at the meeting you’re attending.

    We are all going through the same things.

    5. When you plug your phone, go ahead and plug everything else that needs charging.

    Yes. Even your rechargeable fan.

    6. When you go to a bank with free sockets, plan to spend at least two hours there.

    You need the full battery, and they have AC. This is your home now.

    7. To extend your stay at the bank, allow people that enter after you to cut the line in front of you.

    They think they’re doing you, but you know better.

    8. To make your stay at the bank look legit, withdraw N1000.

    It’s still money.

    9. Sit in the bank, watch Buhari on CNN and get upset all over again.

    This N1000 must be worth it.

    10. The next day, go back to the bank to deposit the N1000 and repeat 5, 6, 7 and 8.

    They won’t suspect.

    11. Carry a water bottle around, you cannot tell when you will encounter a cold water dispenser.

    Prepare for the best.

    12. When you go to a reastaurant, sit near the sockets.

    Take your time to select a seat, they’ll think you’re tush.

    13. Then eat as slowly as possible so you can enjoy the AC and charge your devices.

    You sha paid.

    Odunayo

    , , ,
  • 12 Things You Could Do While On The Fuel Queue

    1. Just sleep.

    You probably had to wake up at 5A.M. But keep one eye open, before they chance you.

    2. Make friends with your fellow queuers.

    Nigerians are nothing if not friendly in crisis.

    3. Write a book.

    We hear that suffering increases creativity.

    4. Turn it into a picnic.

    LMAO! Bring the rest of your family to join in the wait – along with food.

    5. Start a small business – pure water, bottled water, cold drinks, novels, hand fan etc.

    What do you think your boot is for?

    6. Write a Nigerian song.

    Eedris, African China…they found inspiration in our hopelessness. Honestly, it’s not that hard.

    7. Find your bae. Your type will surely be on one of the queues.

    With the amount of people queuing, if you don’t find someone in one of the petrol stations, it’s your fault.

    8. Get your summer bod ready.

    Those kegs and generator tanks are useful for lifting.

    9. Take a faux-deep, over edited artistic shot of real Lagos life. Caption: Beauty Within The Madness.

    Please. Please. We are all artists.

    10. Create a snapchat film. You can still be woke in your suffering.

    Yass Queen!

    11. Start a Twitter fight about how fuel queues are killing feminism or slutshaming.

    That should occupy you for an hour…or seven.

    12. Test your partner for marriage readiness.

    If they queue with you, walk down the altar.

    Odunayo

    , ,
  • Femi Adesina Suggested A “Solution” To Nigeria’s Poor Electricity Supply And Nigerians Hate Him For It
    A large percentage of Nigerians reading this right now are currently battling fuel scarcity and erratic supply of electricity.

    When NEPA refuses to bring the light and fuel for generator is also scarce.

    In a dire situation as this, you’d think Nigerian leaders would try and calm the already angry and impatient Nigerians.

    However, President Buhari’s media aide during an interview with Channels Television dropped his very ‘wise’ solution to Nigeria’s electricity problems.

    He claimed that petroleum pipeline vandals were responsible for the poor supply of electricity.

    He went on to shock Nigerians with this statement.

    https://twitter.com/Seyi__/status/714384703793590272
    “… So if some people are crying that they are in darkness, they should go and hold those that vandalized the pipelines, that’s it!”

    When there’s no fuel and light but your government still wants you to fight some people.

    Will Nigerians stand for this?

    https://twitter.com/XANTAPLUS/status/714717304550998016?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

    They certainly do not deserve such betrayal.

    Should such statements be made by a Special Adviser to the President?

    https://twitter.com/_Enrikay/status/714713956888215554?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

    How much more drama will Nigerians go through in the hands of government officials?

    When did civilians become responsible for tackling pipeline vandals?

    He should kuku give us all guns.

    No wonder!

    Perhaps the misyarning will stop if the President considers this idea.

    Maryam

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  • 17 Struggles Every Nigerian Experiences Whenever There Is Fuel Scarcity

    1. When you had no idea there was scarcity till you got to the filling station.

    You didn’t now come with extra money.

    2. When the scarcity waited till your tank was on reserve to start.

    What is this evil?

    3. When the attendant that usually asks “anything for us?” starts using you to catch trips.

    Wow bro. WOW!

    4. When it’s during scarcity that power supply decides to be useless.

    You people are clearly mad.

    5. When you only have small fuel in your generator so you have to wait for the perfect moment to use it.

    Can’t just on it anyhow again.

    6. When you put on your gen and your neighbors come over.

    Oh? We are all familiar now?

    7. When you hear there is a filling station with small queue.

    GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!

    8. When someone tries to enter your front on the queue.

    All of us will just die here. Nobody will buy fuel again.

    9. When those black market sellers try to get your attention.

    Please come and be going.

    10. When the conductor doubles the transport fare.

    Na wa. On top small fuel scarcity?

    11. When you realize you’ll have to start trekking to more places.

    I’m ready.

    12. When you start regretting past driving decisions.

    13. When you see someone carrying full keg.

    14. When someone invites you out.

    Better sit down in your house.

    15. When you realize boys are no longer smiling.

    Can’t be trusting Nigerians when scarcity hits.

    16. When traffic increases and you’re wondering where people are getting fuel to even be on the road.

    You people should go home, abeg.

    17. When someone asks you to put on the AC in your car.

    It’s like you’re a mad person. So, what are your current fuel scarcity struggles?

    Daniel Orubo

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