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  • “Our Village People Have Tied Our Destinies Together” — 8 Nigerians on Returning to Their Exes

    Today is the day of love and kisses, and everyone is sharing love stories like it’s testimony time.

    So, we completely understand why you might be tempted to return to that person you swore off many moons ago, in hopes that you too might give your testimony next Valentine’s Day. But read these Nigerians’ stories first before you take that leap.

    Derin*, 28

    The first time my ex and I dated, we were together for nine months. It was great but also a toxic because he was reckless with money and always wanted to go clubbing. I was also still in love with my ex at the time. After I passed out of NYSC, we broke up. I was ready to face the real world and adulthood, and he just wanted to evade planning his life.

    About a year later, we got back together. He was going to be in my city and reached out to me to reconnect. We lasted two months this time around. But nothing had changed with him. He was still unserious, and when he randomly asked me to dash him ₦200k, I decided it was time to break things off for good.

    Ebuka*, 26

    My ex and I dated for a year and a half, but we broke up a couple times in between. We were in our early 20s when we met, and we were just in awe of each other until we started drifting apart because of things I’m not even clear about. 

    After a while, she asked for a breakup. Fast forward three weeks later, she came back and was like, “So, you’re not going to talk to me?” I’ve never responded so fast in my life. I’d even been stalking her WhatsApp. We made up, but I still kept my walls up. 

    It went on for a year before we finally broke it off and just stuck to catching glances from afar. Then close to my birthday, she came to my house to talk and we tried to make up, but she was with someone else already.

    Cynthia*, 23

    I don’t think we were ever exclusive, but we saw each other for a year. I hate to admit it, but he was my first love, and I might still be a bit in love with him right now. I got tired of the non-exclusivity and tried to stand on business. It obviously didn’t work because he ghosted me in the middle of exam week. 

    We didn’t speak for a year after that. Then one day, he appeared with a girlfriend and I was ready to take my L and move on. But he kept talking to me, so we became friends. It started feeling like our village people might have tied our destinies together when he asked me out on a date a little while later. We have chemistry, so the date was great. Then he kissed me at the end of the night and I just remembered the hurt he put me through the first time. I’ve been running ever since. But I never run too far because he always catches up and we start talking again. The feelings rise from the ashes, and we continue fooling ourselves.

    We’re currently on our fourth reconnection. I give it two more months before we start exchanging “I love you” again and I run for the hills.

    Mide*, 24

    We dated for five months, and it was rocky, but it was also a lot of fun. It was the first time I really liked the person I was dating, and I wanted to make it serious. But there were too many things going wrong in my life then, and I was transferring a lot of that aggression to her. I called her a day before Valentine’s Day and ended things. I swear, I’m not proud of it.

    I’m not sure how long it took, but I remember missing her terribly and reaching out to her. After courting her for a while, she sent an eight-minute-long voice note, politely advising me to take the friendship route.

    Favour*, 22

    My ex and I dated for six months. He had an insanely huge ego. He would treat me like someone he didn’t care about, so I just decided to end it. 

    Then he called me after a month or two, saying I should come back and we’ll figure it out. I genuinely thought he was doing better, but he actually became worse. He’d yell at me, call me names, then he kicked me out after begging me to move in with him. I’ve never experienced such staggering levels of see-finish in my life, and I genuinely feel like he only wanted me back because he couldn’t handle the fact that I actually wanted out.

    One day, I just stopped replying his texts, went back to get my things and never looked back.

    Bella*, 25

    I went back to them just for the sex. I couldn’t connect sexually with anyone else after the breakup, so I figured, why not?

    The first time we dated was for a year, and it was good, but we had different goals. He said I was too ambitious, and he wanted someone he could control. When we got back together for the second time, I won’t even lie, it was a lot better than I expected. He was emotionally intelligent and honest. But I tapped out mentally when I realised he didn’t know what he wanted.

    Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:

    Daniella*, 27

    My first boyfriend in uni came up with this stupid idea to tell each other who we were crushing on, so I did. He said he had a crush on my roommate, and I told him I was crushing on his friend. After that day, he started acting weird and just stopped talking to me. My friend asked him what the issue was, and he went on this tangent about how I knew he was insecure about his friend and he didn’t know how to feel about my crush. He sent me a message and ended the relationship. 

    I just went to my room, laid on the bathroom floor, and cried my eyes out that day. The next day, he finally spoke to me and said he couldn’t handle being away from me, but the thought of his friend and I made him really insecure. He said he’d thought about it for a while and understood better, so we got back together. We still broke up in the end because he kept talking about how he wasn’t enough for me, even though he loved me. Then he ghosted me again, and that was it.

    Laolu*, 22

    He was my gym trainer, and we were always extra touchy with each other, but we never dated. We fooled around for about six months and only stopped when his girlfriend came back to the country, and I started liking someone else. I had a great time with him and the sex was great. 

    After a while, we started meeting in random places for sex just because. He tried to make it a real relationship at some point, going on about how he loved me and my boyfriend at the time wasn’t good enough for me, but I wasn’t really interested in dating him at the time, so I paid him no mind.

    Chioma Munachi

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  • We Hooked Up Before We Became Best Friends — Edem and Chide
    My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.

    Chide and Edem are best friends who started out as fuck buddies. In this episode of #ZikokoMyBro, they talk about why they decided to stop having sex, the time Edem rescued Chide out of a toxic relationship and why a relationship between both of them can never work.

    Let’s take a trip down memory lane 

    Chide: We met in 2020 when we tried to have sex but you couldn’t get it up. 

    Edem: God, abeg. Is that how you want to start? Now, everyone will think I have erectile dysfunction or something. Please, tell the whole story because I’m still on the streets, and I don’t need people thinking I can’t blow their backs out. 

    Chide: We met on a hookup app after they lifted the lockdown in 2020. I was bored with a sprinkle of horniness, so I started chatting with you, and luckily for both of us, you didn’t live far from me. 

    Edem: Imagine if you ended up being a catfish? I was ready to chase you with a cutlass. 

    Chide: When last did you see a cutlass in real life? 

    Edem: Fair enough. So we tried to have sex, but I was nervous AF. 

    Does FIFA work as viagra? 

    Chide: I really don’t get why you were nervous. It was frustrating and hilarious at the same time because you looked like you wanted to die. 

    Edem: I wanted to bury myself in the ground. But I also didn’t want to give up, so I asked you to play FIFA with me so we could get comfortable. It worked because we ended up smashing in between the game. Hallelujah. 

    Chide: So FIFA is your viagra? Interesting. 

    Transitioning from fuck buddies to regular buddies 

    Edem: We started hanging out regularly after that. We were hooking up, but we also started getting close. I’d just moved back to Nigeria and didn’t have a lot of gay friends, so our friends-with-benefits situation was heavy on the friendship part. You just got me. 

    Chide: My dear, I was giving you the Nigerian LGBTQ+ orientation. That one is more important than the NYSC camp you went to. We stopped hooking up around 2021, right? 

    Edem: Yeah, We became so comfortable with each other that the sex got weird. I remember the last time we tried. It was like the first time all over again, but worse. We were laughing like mumus, and no one could get anything done. 

    Chide: See, choosing not to have sex with you again wasn’t a hard decision, no offence. 

    Edem: Plenty of offences have been taken, Chide. You clearly don’t rate me, and now I know. 

    Chide: Guy, rest. LOL. I’d started talking to someone who wanted a relationship towards the end of 2021, so what was the point? 

    Edem: And where is that relationship today? That’s the same relationship that made me reassess our friendship. Your choice in men is the ghetto. 

    Chide: Like you weren’t one of those men. 

    Trouble in paradise? 

    Edem: Please, explain why you kept avoiding me and hiding me from your boyfriend? The whole thing really pissed me off. I didn’t want to say anything at first so no one would call me a bad belle, but even when I did, you didn’t take me seriously.

    Chide: I didn’t tell him about you because I wasn’t sure what we were. We were friends who’d hooked up, and I knew he wouldn’t like it. 

    Edem: That should’ve been your first red flag, but your shades were too thick. He didn’t need to like our friendship. The worst part is you started acting differently. You used to be “in your face”, which helped me accept myself as a gay man too. But you went into a shell with him and started moving like a boring straight man.  

    It felt like a betrayal because you helped me come out, only for you to now go back into the closet. We were still friends but only saw each other at general hangouts. We didn’t get to hang out on our own until I convinced our other friends to stage an intervention. 

    Staging an intervention and getting through heartbreak

    Chide: I remember the intervention lunch at your place. It looked like you guys watched the video for Girl by Destiny’s Child and decided to recreate it. I hadn’t heard from you in a while, so I didn’t know what to expect when you invited me over. I saw you and our other friends and knew shit was real. 

    LOL. It’s all jokes now, but omo, I needed to be saved. 

    It’s easy to say, “It can never happen to me”, until you find yourself cutting off your friends and dressing a certain way just to make some guy comfortable. 

    Edem: People stage interventions for drug addicts, but your own had to be different. We had to call a meeting on top of your matter because of man. Chai. Are you proud of yourself? 

    Chide: I left that relationship a mess. I don’t think I would’ve left or survived without you reminding me daily that I was loved. We were friends already, but that’s when I realised you’d become my personal person. 

    Edem: Look at me getting my flowers. I showed up at your house with either shawarma, pizza or ice cream (sometimes, all three) every other day after work, so I definitely deserve “friend of the year”. 

    We can never have a sexual relationship again

    Chide: If I’m being honest, just for a brief moment, I did reconsider you and me again after that breakup. You were there for me, and we got each other, so I thought, “Why the fuck not?” 

    Edem: You did? I don’t think it would’ve worked out, but I’m curious to know why you didn’t say anything. 

    Chide: I knew it would end in tears. LOL. I love you as a friend, but I genuinely don’t think I’m attracted to you romantically or sexually (at least, not anymore). I only considered it because I was lonely and you were there, but I’m comfortable with what we have. As a matter of fact, I love it. If we do anything else, we’ll be fucking up a good thing. 

    I didn’t leave a toxic relationship to end up with a guy who snores. Did they swear for me? 

    Edem: You won’t see the pearly gates of heaven for this thing you just said. But I agree. I can take a bullet, like a small skin-wound-only bullet, for you because I love you as a friend. I doubt I’d do that if we were dating. You and I would fight all the time and start resenting each other. 

    If I could change something about you 

    Chide: We’d always fight each other because you don’t know how to talk.

    Edem: Why am I catching strays? I know where this is going. 

    Chide: I know it’s from a place of love, but guy, sometimes, you’re too blunt. There’s a way you can tell someone the truth without them feeling like they’re being dragged. I’m used to it, sha. 

    Edem: I was raised in a family where my parents said it as it was and rubbed off on me. But I’m trying to be better now. These days, I do a lot of mental gymnastics before I say shit. I also apologise when I feel like you’re offended. You know I love you, right? 

    Chide: No, I don’t. Do I even know you? LOL. 

    I want you to know 

    Edem: As annoying as you are, I can’t imagine my life without you. We met when I was really hiding from the world because I was scared for my life as a gay man in Nigeria. Knowing you has helped me understand that shit is dangerous here, but it doesn’t mean I should cower in fear. You’ve helped me become comfortable in my queerness, and I love you for it. 

    Chide: Alexa, play Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. 

    Edem: Why are you like this? 

    Chide: I love you too, Edem. You can be a lot sometimes, but I’d rather have a lot of you than none of you. 

    Edem: Bars! Nicki Minaj and Jay Z are in the mud. 

    Chide: Who would I share this many pop culture references with if I didn’t have you around? You’re the real love of my life. At least, until I meet another hot guy and make you number two again. Love you for life, babes. 

    Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.

    Brought to you by LOVE LIFE

    Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

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  • How to Sneaky Link Your Way Into a Relationship

    You can get into a relationship in numerous way. Some people start from the DMs, some with a situationship; others move from zero to a hundred and catch feelings for their sneaky link.

    Today, we’ll teach you fake hard guys how to move from sneaking around to making that relationship official.

    Send them funny videos

    We can only hope you speak often if you’ve caught feelings for this person. If not, start with a funny video or two. Just make them laugh their way into a relationship with you.

    Move into their house small small

    A toothbrush here, a comb there, that black shirt you can’t live without, nothing too obvious. Move your things into their house and see if they notice.

    Invite yourself out with them

    They can’t stay at home 24/7. If they let it slip that they need to be somewhere, pack your bag and shoes and volunteer as tribute. Just do by force gum body. Hopefully, people see you together and do 2+2.

    Subtweet them

    If they don’t have a social media account, make them open one.  Post about them and what they do for you. Just be loud and clear on the internet. Fingers crossed, they see the signs.

    Become a member of their social circle

    Ask around. You might know someone who knows someone who goes to the same gym as your sneaky link. Start from there and work your way in.

    Make them catch feelings

    Why confess when they could do the confessing? It’s called strategic positioning. Be yourself and hope to whatever you believe in that your best is what’s best for them. If not, sorry for you and your feelings 

    Make them soft launch you

    This is the final stage. We don’t know how you want to do it, but make them post a picture of you. Maybe the back of your head, or the inside of your elbow. They could even post two sets of cutlery, as long as they make it clear to the people of the world that there’s someone in their life.

    RECOMMENDED: Soft Launching Your Partner AKA Village People Prevention

    Chioma Munachi

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  • If You Can Relate With at Least 3 of These Things, “Friends With Benefits” Is Not for You

    Being in a “friends with benefits” position is like being entangled with the slightly less chaotic younger sibling of a situationship; less than a committed relationship, but not more than a friendship. There are many factors to consider before engaging in this. The first is finding out if it’s a situation you can properly function in. The rest are way too many to state here so we’ve simplified it for you.

    If you can relate with at least three of the following, then chances are you can’t successfully navigate the tricky water of a FWB.

    1. You don’t have friends

    It’s called “friends” with benefits for a reason. As your antisocial behaviour has stunted your ability to make friends/maintain friendships,, which friendship will you introduce sexual benefits into it? Exactly. Just continue scrolling on Tiktok.

    2. You are already planning matching Pyjamas for Valentine’s Day

    If you’re the kind of person who already starts mentally planning your life with someone (wedding, children, divorce, Shakespeare-style joint death etc) the second they so much as smile at you, you’re not cut out for this FWB life. Hang it up.

    3. Your jealousy knows no bounds

    Jealousy is usually an anxious response to something you need to address. For example, if the thought of your FWB having genital meet & greets with other people makes you feel the rage of a thousand Hulks, you’re most likely in love with them, which means you have no business being in a FWB situation with them in the first place.

    4. You are big on PDA

    Your friends with benefits partner will not whisper sweet nothings into your ear, hold your hand lovingly, or remove imaginary leaves from your hair. Know this, and know peace.

    5. You catch feelings like kilode

    Literally everyone you’ve talked to being able to testify that you caught feelings for them faster than The Flash is a huge sign that the “no strings attached” principle of FWB will be an issue for you.

    6. You are demisexual

    If you’re someone who craves a strong emotional connection with someone before you can bump genitals with them,run away from anyone who propositions you with a FWB arrangement. It won’t end well for you.

    7. You aren’t assertive

    Saying yes to a FWB relationship only because it’s what your potential partner wants is a bad idea because you’ll be miserable all the time. This is why you should strongly assert yourself if a situation doesn’t serve you. Failure to do so will end with you eating breakfast in the future.

    Susan Nwaobiala

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  • Love Life: Our Relationship Is An Experiment

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Kachi*, 31, and Sarimah*, 24, have been friends with benefits for seven months. Today on Love Life, they talk about having casual sex while living together, dating other people and what they want from a relationship in the future. 

    love life: friends with benefits

    How did you two meet? 

    Sarimah: I met him on Twitter in December 2019. You know how you just flirt randomly with people on the internet. A lot of times you don’t think you’re actually going to fuck them. I was in Abuja and he was in Lagos so we were just flirting with no plans to see each other. 

    We kept texting on and off on Twitter. I would send him messages randomly. Talk about what’s going on in my life. He would do the same. 

    Kachi: Yup. Then after a while, our texts became sexts.  

    Who sent the first sext?

    Sarimah: I don’t remember how that happened because it was so easy to talk to him. We exchanged nudes and videos. You know, just random risky, sexy things. 

    Kachi: That continued for a couple of months until we met in May 2021. She moved to Lagos in April and we planned to hang out. 

    What was meeting each other like? 

    Sarimah: There was a lot of traffic so I took a bike to his estate. I called him when I got to the gate. I was still on the phone with him trying to locate his house when I saw someone that looked like him but this person was bald. I said, “Bald?” and he said, “oh, that’s my brother.” That’s how I found his house. 

    Kachi: Meeting her was fun. We laughed a lot.

    Sarimah: We started making out while we were gisting and then we had sex. We both liked it so after that day, we kept seeing each other. I would go to his house, spend the week and be back home by weekend. 

    We are friends with benefits. We sleep with each other often but we also sleep with other people. 

    Kachi: We use protection with other people so we can keep each other safe. 

    What has the relationship been like so far?

    Kachi: It’s been great, to be honest. We’ve been trying a lot of things together. 

    Things like?

    Kachi: Currently, we are exploring different ways of pleasure that don’t involve ejaculating. 

    Sarimah: Because we are both afraid of having kids. 

    Kachi: LOL. Plus she’s bisexual. I am straight but I am open to exploring anything within the confines of my sexuality. We’ve had threesomes with other women and they were nice. 

    And nobody has caught feelings?

    Kachi: LOL. That happened recently. We had been seeing other people since we started having sex and Sarimah was fine with it. Recently, I went out on a date and she realised she wasn’t as okay as she thought she was. 

    What happened, Sarimah?

    Sarimah: Last week, he went out on a date. He picked out his clothes days before. When I saw it, in my mind, I was like, “When it’s not a traditional wedding.” I was curious about why this date was so special. 

    It was funny because I went on a date with a girl some days before his date and I was really excited about it. I am embarrassed to say that I was threatened by his date and I realised that if anything happened to jeopardise the relationship we have, I would be sad. 

    Did you tell him this?

    Kachi: She did and I wasn’t surprised. I am used to it. It’s natural because we have been with each other for a while now and we like each other. Jealousy is definitely going to pop in. I protect myself by not having any information about her sexcapades, except if it’s with a woman. She didn’t mind the details of my sex life but that date showed otherwise. 

    How did you deal with it? 

    Sarimah: Initially I didn’t want to talk to him about it but eventually I did. We decided I would come up with a hack of my own. He also said that his date and he were going to be just friends and I felt relieved, LMAO. 

    Kachi: Honestly, Sarimah tried for lasting this long without acting out. In previous relationships with women that looked like this, within weeks, we would have issues about the other women I was seeing. Sarimah lasted seven months. Thumbs up, babe. 

    Sarimah: LOL

    Do you two fight?

    Sarimah: Yeah, but it’s never too bad and always about petty stuff. 

    Kachi: One time, we were having sex. She had orgasms and went to sleep without helping me get mine. I told her this was the first strike and if she does a third time, I’m done. She didn’t like that and she got angry with me. We argued about it for a bit. I apologised and left the room. Later, she figured out that she was taking it out of proportion. 

    Sarimah: Yea, aside from that, we don’t fight. We just argue a bit about an issue and move on. It’s also not about who’s right and who’s wrong. We both want to understand where the other person is coming from. 

    The difference between us is that he is nonconfrontational while I, on the other hand, would talk about whatever upsets me as soon as it happens. That’s something that he’s planning to work on though. 

    Kachi: This relationship is an experiment for both of us. I’ve never lived with anyone I was having a thing with and I realize this is the sort of the thing I would like when I get married. I mean, we would have separate rooms but having sex with other people while married would be my ideal life. 

    Sarimah: Me too. 

    love life: friends with benefits

    Nice. What’s the best part of this relationship?

    Sarimah: I like that we are nice and sweet to each other. The relationship feels warm to me. Honestly, I’m having a good time. Being with him doesn’t stop me from living my life. I also like when we do things together. I am thinking of what I would choose over this and nothing is coming to mind. 

    Kachi: I like how easy everything is with her. 

    Hmm. Is it possible that Sarimah could be the one in this future?

    Sarimah: Me, I’ve offered to propose to him and he said I should bring a ring. So, who knows. 

    Kachi: Yeah and I need to be ready for it. LOL. 

    What is your favourite thing about each other?

    Kachi: I like how introspective she is. Whenever she has issues, she looks inward first. Another thing I like about her is that she likes to touch people. It’s not something I was used to but I have grown to like it. She’s also a spoilt child and I like to yab her. Overall, she’s a fine babe with really nice lips. 

    Sarimah: He’s so pretty and I like pretty boys. He is also kind. He gives me warmth that allows me to be myself. Plus I like having sex with him. 

    Rate this relationship on a scale of 1-10.  

    Sarimah: 10. I like that we both want the same thing out of the relationship and in the future.

    Kachi: 10. I don’t feel any pressure to impress or pretend to be the perfect boyfriend. This is just cohabitation.

    Sarimah: Yup. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    Mariam Sule

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  • How To Make A Friends With Benefits Relationship Work

    A Friends with Benefits (FwB) relationship is one ship you should try entering before you die. If it’s done right and with the right person, it can be a fulfilling experience. Here’s a list of tips to help you navigate them better.

    1. Pick someone that respects you and your time 

    Yes, we all like disrespectful knacks, but let it be from someone who respects you. It doesn’t have to be a cold relationship but it also doesn’t have to be hot with drama. It’s knacks and friendship, not Fuji House of Commotion.

    angel bbn meme

    2. Before you start the knacks, know what you want

    Is it just knacks or knacks with a side of lovey-dovey? Please know it and make it clear to everyone involved. That way, you can prevent stories that touch. 

    sex emoji meme

    3. Communicate 

    Speak your mind, tell them your needs. If you like calls or you do not like calls, the best time to say it is in the beginning. Anything else might lead to chaos. 

    nigerian women meme

    4. Always practice safe sex 

    Splurge on condoms and dental dams for oral sex, if possible. Also, make sure you and your partners test regularly for STIs.

    Genevieve nnaji meme

    5. Establish boundaries 

    Boundaries are very important for making sure things go in the intended direction. Also, it allows for mutual respect and allows you to avoid see-finish. Setting boundaries will help you avoid saying “Had I known.”

    ini edo meme

    6. Stay wicked 

    In everything, don’t forget to stay wicked and let nobody take you for an idiot. Na knack you wan knack, e no mean say dem go use you play. 

    Nigerian woman rude meme

    7. Don’t let anybody know your moves

    Yes, you two are not in a relationship. They must not know every single thing about you but be sure to let them know how things affect them. Don’t be a Yoruba man.

    Nigerian woman smoking meme

    8. At the first sign of disrespect, run

    You are there for a fun time not a long time. Once you see red flag, carry your load and move. No need for endurance. No be you kill Jesus. 

    Nigerian woman angry meme

    Subscribe to our newsletter here.

    Mariam Sule

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  • Love Life: We’re No Longer Together, But We’re Life Partners

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We’re No Longer Together, But We’re Life Partners

    Mezie*, 32, and Oge*, 31, went from friends to lovers to friends who occasionally have sex. For today’s Love Life, they talk about being life partners even though they know they can never get back together. 

    What’s your earliest memory of each other?

    Mezie: It was at the national finals of a university competition. I was waiting to take the elevator in the hotel lobby, and when the doors opened, I saw her with her teammates. I noticed her because of her striking striped pants. 

    Oge: This was in 2009. I was repping my school, and he was repping his. A couple of us were going to get drinks at the end of the first day, and we somehow ended up in his room. According to him, I jumped on his bed and said, “Hi! How are you?”

    I don’t remember doing that, but I don’t have an earlier memory, so let’s go with that.

    What were your first impressions?

    Oge: I can’t say he formed an impression that stuck at the competition, but we got to be Facebook friends after, and we just did not stop chatting. He is so intelligent, so we talked about everything, from philosophy to Igbo culture. 

    Mezie: Wow. Oge, so you’re saying when my team was beating yours, you weren’t looking at me? This was even before you came to my room. You were literally cutting me eye. Anyway, let’s leave that story. 

    For my first impression, I thought she was a bit too much. She was fun and bubbly, but it felt like she was trying to be the centre of attention. Then there was this other guy she was all over.

    Oge: What? I wasn’t cutting you eyes, I was cutting eyes at the other Mezie — the one that looks like you. Then when I was looking for him on Facebook, I friended you instead. By the time I realised it was the wrong Mezie, we were already cool. 

    Mezie: Wow. This is the first time I’m hearing this. This interview is already bringing out the truth.

    LMAO. Oops. So, when were feelings caught?

    Oge: Somewhere in the middle of our Facebook conversations. I think people knew that we liked each other before we admitted it to ourselves. I was always commenting on his page, and he’d do the same.

    Mezie: She used to comment on everything I did on Facebook, and that’s how I figured she liked me. I already knew that I liked her, but I didn’t know how to handle romantic situations at the time.

    Oge: He still doesn’t. 

    Mezie: Ouch. 

    Who admitted to having feelings first?

    Oge: He is going to say it’s him, but it’s a lie. It was around 2011. He moved to the north for NYSC, and I went to visit him. We made out a lot when I got there. As far as I’m concerned, that was me going, “Yo! I’m willing to risk my life just to see you.”

    After that, he sent me an email that went, “I love you, and I hope it terrifies you as much as it terrifies me.”

    Okay, poet. 

    Mezie: Wait! I sent that email or you sent that email? I’m actually confused now. Anyway, when she made that trip to see me, that’s when I knew she was a real one. I was sure I wanted us to be part of each other’s lives in a more concrete way.

    That’s sweet and all, but who sent that email, abeg?

    Oge: He sent it oh! Then he gave me the silent treatment until I called him.

    Mezie: I’ll accept. 

    Oge: Which one is “I’ll accept”? Don’t make me pull out screenshots.

    Mezie: LMAO. Fine. It’s true. I remember now. I actually thought I had the most amazing lines that year. 

    LMAO. So, what happened after the grand proclamation?

    Mezie: As she said, she didn’t reply to it for a while, so I decided to lean back.

    Oge: Love is a word that typically makes me run in the opposite direction, so I needed a few days to process it. Then I called him, and after explaining how the email had freaked me out, I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said yes. 

    Nice. So, how was it after things became official?

    Mezie: It was great and exciting. We were already friends, and there was all that build-up to the actual relationship. So, when it started, I couldn’t get enough of talking to her. I was also hoping for time to get to see her and spend time with her.

    Oge: Yeah. It was a long-distance relationship — he was in Abuja, and I was in Lagos. There were a lot of calls. It wasn’t a drastic shift from what our friendship was like. I was just happy to finally be dating someone I’d liked for so long. 

    Did the distance affect the relationship?

    Oge: Short answer: Yes. At that point, I hadn’t started having sex, but physical touch is very important to me, and I hated that I couldn’t make out with him. Then we both started getting busier with work and would be too tired to talk after. 

    It wasn’t the main reason we broke up, but it played a part.

    Mezie: It definitely played a part, but it’s actually when I moved to Lagos in 2013 that the relationship went to shit.

    What? How?

    Oge: The expectation on my end, probably unspoken at the time, was that if he was moving to Lagos, we would finally spend more time together. Then he moved, but it still felt like he was in Abuja. I wouldn’t see him for weeks.

    To be fair, he lived pretty far from me and didn’t have a car, but it was still so frustrating that we now lived in the same city and I barely got to see him. Then whenever we did make plans, he would either be late or traffic would be hell.

    I can never forget our last Valentine’s Day together. We made dinner plans, but even though I’d been in Lagos for a while, I didn’t know about the legendary Valentine’s Day traffic. By the time we got there, we were both pissed as fuck — me more than him. 

    Damn. So, who ended things?

    Oge: I did. I messaged him and said it wasn’t working for me anymore. 

    Mezie: At the time, I felt like work was the immediate priority. No, that sounds wrong. I didn’t know how to show her that she was also a priority. I mean, we were both broke, so it was just a struggle.

    We had some good moments in Lagos, but I guess that Valentine’s Day was the straw that broke the camel’s back for her. It only went downhill from there. Then there were some niggas circling at her workplace, and I think she got distracted by the attention.

    I honestly didn’t expect her to end things. I mean, the day we became official was the pin code to my ATM card. I just couldn’t fathom that someone I had integrated into my life so deeply, granted the quality of the relationship had dropped, would just leave. 

    Oge: It was other things too. Like you being such a good catholic boy and getting angry with me for not going to church. Or the fact that you wanted to get married and have kids, but I didn’t. 

    Mezie: I actually had the hope that you would eventually see the light on some of the fundamental things we disagreed on. 

    Not to take you guys back, but Oge, what did Mezie mean when he said you got “distracted by the attention”?

    Oge: Right. We’ve never actually addressed the office guy. After Mezie, I ended up dating someone from the office. Yes, he had been circling, and I had started liking him while I was still with Mezie. He was just right there, giving me attention.

    I started dating him about a week after I broke up with Mezie.

    Mezie: Women are scum. So that time I came to your office to surprise you, and you were going crazy, my competition was right there. Wow.

    Oge: LMAO. You’re not serious. 

    What was your relationship like after the breakup?

    Oge: I blanked him for a while, but he didn’t let it stick. He eventually reached out, and we’ve been friends ever since. We also started having sex with each other. 

    Mezie: Her philosophy is to cut people off, and she tried to do that with me, but I knew she was missing me. I knew I still liked her, and we were still running in the same circles, so immediately I got the chance, I reached out. 

    This was about a year after we’d broken up. She was still in a relationship with Office Guy.

    Wait. Oge, were you still with Office Guy when you and Mezie started having sex?

    Mezie: Oge?

    Oge: Why are you calling my name?

    Mezie: Daniel is asking you a question now.

    Oge: LMAO. Yeah, I was still with him. A friend of Mezie and I was getting married in Ibadan, and we went together. The plan was to get separate rooms, but we went clubbing that night. I got really drunk, so he slept on the floor to look after me.

    When I woke up the next morning, well, you know how it goes.

    Did it happen more than once?

    Oge: The next time was after that relationship, I think. That’s how I’m choosing to remember it.

    LMAO. Whatever you say.

    Oge: Now, we’re both single, so no issues there. Once in a while, we hookup. I could go to his house and just chill, but sometimes, I show up and we both know we’re going for a sex date. 

    Mezie: For me, sex is just sort of in the background of our current thing.

    How would you define your current thing?

    Oge: He is my friend. He’s seen me grow up, and I’ve seen him go from a good catholic boy to the hedonist he is now. I’ve even called him my life partner because I think we’ll always be a significant part of each other’s lives. 

    Mezie: I’ve been in other relationships that didn’t work out, but Oge’s always been a constant. Around 2016, I actually considered shooting my shot again, but that’s when it became clear that we have too many fundamental differences to ever work.

    Since then, I’ve decided to focus on our friendship. As she said, we are life partners, just without the romance.

    So, you guys really don’t think you’ll ever try romance again?

    Oge: Nah. Never. The reasons we broke up are still very much present. He’s grown a lot, but deep down, he’s still a very traditional Igbo man. I think at the base of it, we’re just too different, and if we try to go there again, we’ll ruin what we have.

    Mezie: LMAO. I’ve written that option off. 

    Do you still have feelings for each other though?

    Oge: Ah. It comes in waves. There are times I think, “Maybe we should give this one more shot because we are such good friends”, but then I remember why that’s a bad idea. Knowing it’s a bad idea, however, doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally consider it. 

    Mezie: Me, I will not lie, I’m still very attracted to her. Does that count as feelings? I think the love I feel is just an appreciation of her presence in my life. 

    Beyond that, it’s her booty and her face and her eyes. I really like your eyes, Oge.

    Oge: Aww. Thank you. I love you, b.

    Mezie: Love you too.

    Considering sex is involved, how does this dynamic work when you’re seeing other people?

    Oge: Ah. You’ll face your relationship oh. Whenever one of us is dating, we remove sex from the equation and just focus on being friends. It’s never been an issue. We even give each other advice when necessary.

    Mezie: Yeah. I mean, most of my relationships have been short-lived — I’ve actually been in more situationships — but I don’t think any of the women I’ve dated seriously has been threatened by her presence. 

    What’s your favourite thing about each other?

    Mezie: Her personality. Her laugh. She is very carefree in a good way. She is also very open-minded, and I think that might be my favourite thing about her. It makes her the best person to turn to for advice.

    Oge: Ugh. I was going to say your laugh, now I have to change it.

    Mezie: Better say it.

    Oge: LMAO. His laugh is like a chortle, and then his tummy starts going up and down. It’s so funny. He is also able to calm me down a lot of the time. I especially love that I can be 100% myself around him.

    How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Oge: 8.5. 10 is for God.

    Mezie: 8. Had everything except alignment of world views.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    NerdEfiko

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  • Love Life: We Love Our Partners, But We Can’t Stop Having Sex

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: We Love Our Partners, But We Can’t Stop Having Sex

    Ijeoma*, 26, and Peter*, 29, have been friends with benefits for 2 months. For today’s Love Life, they talk about satisfying their primal needs while maintaining serious relationships with other people. 

    What is your earliest memory of each other? 

    Ijeoma: So, recently, my boyfriend has been attending lots of weddings and we haven’t been able to see each other as often as we used to, even though we live in the same state. 

    Wait. You have a boyfriend?

    Peter: LMAO. That’s what I said. 

    Ijeoma: Peter, please.  

    What is going on here?

    Ijeoma: See, we will gist you everything as it happened and, yes, I have a boyfriend. We were going through a “thing” when I met Peter.  

    Peter:  LMAO. A thing indeed.

    Ijeoma:  So, the first time I met Peter was at an event I attended with a mutual friend of ours. He caught my eye immediately, but I thought to myself,  “Omo! Man na man. I have one and I’m not looking for anything,” but as the day went on, I found myself thinking about him a lot. 

    Peter: Who would have thought? To be fair, I was also thinking about you. I saw her walk in, with her cute nose and that ass. I did a double take when she turned to speak to someone. 

    Ijeoma: I know, I caught you stealing glances and Sarah* told me you had asked about me. 

    So, what happened from there?

    Ijeoma:  It was good vibes from the jump, and I loved his energy. Once we went past that stranger-danger phase, it was just pure magic.

    Peter: Yes. She is funny and super easy to talk to, so we just kept at it for the rest of the event.  When it was time to leave, we got each other’s IG handles and said our goodbyes. 

    Why IG handles, not phone numbers?

    Ijeoma: It was easier. 

    Peter: Is it weird to say that phone numbers felt like too much at the time?  I mean, we vibed at the event and all, but we didn’t really know each other well enough to take it that far. Social media handles felt like a safer option. If things die there, it’s easier to forget and move on than if they have your number. You get?

    Uhm no, but okay. 

    Ijeoma: LMAO. From there, oga started DMing me on IG and it was fun. A week later, I had another event to go to, so I casually asked him if he wanted to come with me. But a couple of hours to the thing, I realised that I didn’t want to see him…

    Peter: Please, tell me, what do women want? 

    Ijeoma: I wanted to see you, but I didn’t want to have to stare at your face throughout the event. How hard is that to understand? His face is distracting. 

    Peter: Anyway, we ended up agreeing that I would pick her up from the event. 

    Ijeoma: This is where things got interesting. I had about three bottles of wine in me and my body was humming with excitement.  I just knew I wanted to fuck him.  When I knew he was outside waiting for me, I literally skipped like a schoolgirl out of that building, grinning ear to ear. See ehn, wine-induced horniness is dangerous. 

    We went back to his place and talked. The room had started to sway, but I kept looking straight at him, imagining things. He was so accommodating. He had my feet in his hands and was rubbing them while we talked. I then asked if I could kiss him and from there, we ended up having sex.  

    Peter: LMAO. It was amazing, and she’s so cute when she’s asleep.  

    WOW.  So, drunk sex started this relationship?

    Ijeoma: Yup, and it only got better. We kept meeting up and having beautiful moments together. We had sex a couple more times. I told my closest friends that I had found love outside my relationship. It all felt very magical and right. 

    Peter: I always look forward to hanging out with Ijeoma. Cooking for her is so fun because she’s not a picky eater — she enjoys unusual meals. Watching movies with her easily became the highlight of my week. Maybe it was the newness of it all. 

    Ijeoma: I guess, but then…. I found out about his girlfriend. That helped put things into perspective. 

    Oluwa, take control. What? 

    Ijeoma: Turns out his girlfriend and I run in the same circles, so we met some random day.  She was going through her phone to show me something, and I saw his photo. I was like, “Oh! You know this guy?” and she was like, “Yeah, that’s my boyfriend.”

    Did you feel betrayed?

    Ijeoma:  Initially, I was offended, but then I was like, “I’m doing the same thing.” Two days after the encounter, he came to pick me up and we went to his place. At some point in the evening, I told him I liked him. 

    Peter: Not gonna lie, I freaked out a bit. 

    Ijeoma: That was when I told him that I didn’t want to waste my time. I remember saying, “I met your babe, and I’m not upset because I have a boyfriend too.” Peter just looked at me like WOW. 

    Peter: Women will disgrace you oh. I wasn’t even upset she had a man. I was more relieved because she was on the exact same page as me. If I was anything less than accepting of the confession, that would make me a hypocrite.

    I have been muttering “WTF” since this interview started.

    Ijeoma: I know. It’s pretty messed up. However, the whole “confession” thing really helped us define what we have.

    Peter:  Yes, we decided to be together but keep things under wraps. 

    Ijeoma: We now have a schedule for sex. There is an understanding of how things are. I try to avoid seeing his girlfriend and I keep my boyfriend happy enough not to suspect anything.

    Do you feel guilty about doing this?

    Ijeoma: Honestly, no. 

    Peter: Nope. 

    Ijeoma: LMAO. I don’t feel guilty because, with Peter, it’s just raw lust, there’s an animosity to the sex that I don’t get with my man. The orgasms are primal and they just rip through me.

    I also believe that sex is sex and love is love. When I found out about Peter’s girlfriend, it was easy for me to put my feelings aside. I love my partner and I enjoy having sex with Peter. These things are not mutually exclusive. 

    Peter: I agree. The fact that we both easily accept having other partners yet maintaining what we have is evidence that we can separate lust from love. I love my girlfriend and all but this, for me, is just physical. 

    Aren’t you afraid of getting caught?

    Peter: We are both cautious, so the likelihood of that happening is very low. 

    Ijeoma: Exactly. We are very careful. Also, there is no PDA, no pet names and emojis, nothing mushy. We don’t talk like anything is going on, just banter and good vibes. Appointments are made via calls and DMs. It’s pretty chill. 

    OMO. You guys have this thing on lock oh. Is this your first time cheating on your partner? 

    Peter: Not really. I had something else before, but it was during a break I had with my girlfriend. 

    Ijeoma: Properly, yes?

    Wait, there is an improper way to… cheat?

    Ijeoma: LMAO. Not really. I have done one or two things with other men, but Peter is the first guy I’m being intentional with. 

    Okay. Rate your love life on a scale of 1 – 10.

    Peter: 6/10. What we have is pretty sweet. We are such good friends with very similar interests and it makes the whole thing fun. 

    Ijeoma: Aww, simp. It’s a 5 for me. I mean, I like him and all, but I’m in love with someone else. We could stop having sex today and still be really good friends. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    [donation]

    Eris Ekanem

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  • 7 Nigerians Reveal Why ‘Friends With Benefits’ Works For Them

    As the name implies, a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship is a sexual relationship between two friends, where the primary basis is sex with no expectations of romance or commitment.

    So, we decided to ask a few Nigerians who have tried (or are currently trying) this kind of relationship why they think it works and why the dynamic hasn’t become a romantic one.

    Funmi, 25/Female/Straight

    My main FWB relationship has been on for about 3 and a half years now. I had a second one in the middle of the main one, but that only lasted about a year. 

    The second one ended because I was over it. It wasn’t exciting, and worst of all, the sex wasn’t even great. I only entered it because I wanted a distraction from my main FWB.

    For the main one, we have great sex and are really great friends. Sometimes it feels just like an open relationship. I think it works because we respect each other’s boundaries and both have sense.

    It’s not an official relationship because as much as we’re basically the same person, we share different views on some fundamental things. We also aren’t interested in committing to each other.

    Samuel, 31/Male /Bisexual

    My FWB relationship lasted about 10 years. He was my roommate in uni and the first guy I was ever intimate with. I was his first too. So, we’ve been having sex on and off since then.

    It worked for so long because we’re genuinely guys. He’s married now, so we had to stop — I was even his best man. Granted, we hooked up a few times while he was still engaged, but marriage is different.

    It never became an official relationship because he wasn’t open to dating a guy. He never really accepted that part of himself, and I didn’t want to have to deal with that.

    Sarah, 31/Female/Straight

    It’s over now, but the FWB relationship started about 3 years ago. I stopped it briefly in the second year while I was trying to date someone exclusively, but it started again when we went on a friends’ trip and hooked up.

    He is an actual friend in every sense of the word, so the relationship allowed me the freedom to explore sex safely with someone I trust and can always be honest with. I never felt judged or ashamed afterwards.

    I think it worked for so long because we were pretty honest about our expectations from the very beginning. Also, it was a nice thrill having this sort of secret between us when we’d hang out with our other friends. 

    The sexual part of our relationship kind of just naturally fizzled out this year. We are older and have more on our plates than when we initially started hooking up. Thankfully, we are still very good friends. 

    John, 26/Male/Gay

    I have like 3 FWB relationships, and all of them have been going on for about 7 years.  The set up works for me because there’s no stress involved. It’s just no-strings-attached sex. 

    Whenever I get horny and want to fuck, I don’t have to worry about wooing an entirely new person. All I really need to do is text one of them a simple “Are you free?“

    Plus, when you’ve been having sex for a while, you understand each other’s bodies better. With a stranger, you have to start patiently explaining your likes and dislikes. That’s too much headache.

    They aren’t official relationships because we don’t have feelings for each other. Sure, we are all good friends that like each other, but we know the feelings aren’t romantic. It’s all just uncomplicated fun.

    Tolani, 26/Female/Straight

    My FWB relationship has been on for 6 years, but with breaks in between. We took a 2-year break while he had a girlfriend, and then another year while I was sleeping with someone else. It’s back on now.

    He’s one of my best friends and the sex is great. I think our case is one of practice making perfect. We’ve been at it for a long time, so we’ve become better friends and better lovers. 

    It’s easier to communicate because we have that foundation of trust. We’ve been through all the shit — a lot of fights — and we’re still fucking. So, we’re either blind to how toxic it is or we’ve figured this shit out.

    It’s not an official relationship because we’re both very protective of our friendship. We know taking it there could threaten it. I definitely wanted us to be together when I was younger, but it’s not something I want anymore. 

    Chike, 25/Male/Straight

    My FWB relationship has been going on for about 6 months now. The friendship itself is new, but we are already pretty close. We talk about everything, from our careers to the other people we’d like to fuck.

    It works because we communicate our wants very openly. Neither of us is interested in an official relationship right now, so we’re just two friends having fun and enjoying life.

    Cynthia, 19/Female/Bisexual

    My FWB relationship has lasted for 7 months. We’re friends that occasionally hang out and have sex. We have a lot of mutual friends and actually met during one of the group hangout sessions. 

    So, we text, hang out sometimes (sans the sex), and just generally vibe. If I’m having a bad day, I can go over to her house and she’d give me a shoulder to cry on.

    It works because we’re genuinely good friends. We also have healthy boundaries. It’s not official because we’d make a terrible couple. Plus we’re both dating other people at the moment. Yes, they know about us.

    NerdEfiko

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