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  • Interview With Friday: Please keep your 4-day work week, I don’t want it

    After a long week answering to capitalism’s every whim and demands, Zikoko pulls up to their last interview of the week sick and tired of it all.

    Zikoko: Welcome to Interview With.

    Friday: Thank you. Let’s get this show on the road. I have to get back to work.

    Zikoko: [Checks the time] You said you’re usually done with work by this time. 

    Friday: Yes, I’m done with my day job, but I need to start prepping for my after-hours job. 

    [She pulls out 5 sachets of chelsea dry gin from her bag]

    Zikoko: Is your night job being a bus conductor?

    Friday: Do you know how to mind your business?

    Zikoko: I was just showing concern.

    Friday: Hide it next time. [tears a sachet open like a cultist]

    Zikoko: Should I wait until you’re done?

    Friday:

    Zikoko: Sorry. Earlier, you mentioned having a day job…

    Friday: [rips into another sachet] And you already assumed I was a bus conductor.

    Zikoko: [side eyes] Yes, and it’s getting harder to believe otherwise. Won’t your chest be hotter than our HERtitude babes by the time you’re done?

    Friday: You have 10 questions, you’ve asked three. Choose your the next ones very carefully.

    Zikoko: When did we start counting the questions?

    Friday: Question 4

    Zikoko: You’re Friday, I didn’t think you’d be this strict.

    Friday: Is that a question?

    Zikoko: [Deep breath] What’s your day job?

    Friday: Not sure I want to share that with you, but I have a desk job. I need it to afford my side hustle.

    Zikoko: You work a desk job to afford your side hustle? 

    Friday: Yes. Mr. Cap might moonlight as a slave driver, but he pays well.

    Zikoko: Mr. Cap

    Friday: Capitalism. He pays me to do what he loves, so I can do what I love

    Zikoko: Which is?

    Friday: Usher in the weekend. Saturday and Sunday are cool people, [squeezes another sachet of chelsea into her mouth] so it’s always fun to cosplay as their flower girl.

    Zikoko: Looks like you really like both jobs. 

    Friday: They work hand in hand. I won’t be Friday without them [sips on a sachet of chelsea dry gin]

    Zikoko: Sorry o. I know I’ve asked before, but is your chest not hot?

    Friday: Because of small gin? Please I’m Friday, gin is the least of my worries.

    Zikoko: Apologies. The people seem to like you a lot.

    Friday: Of course, I’m the queen of enjoyment, why won’t they like me?

    Zikoko: They like you so much they want a four-day workweek.

    Friday: [spits her gin sachet out of her mouth] Ehn?

    Zikoko: It’s just something we’ve all been thinking of.

    Friday: How am I now involved?

    Zikoko: Someone on our team thought it’ll be a good idea to rearrange the way the week goes – party on Fridays, rest on Saturdays, and use Sundays to prepare for Monday.

    Friday: That’s already how the week goes.

    Zikoko: She was thinking, no work on Fridays…

    Friday: As in, people should use the whole Friday for faaji? Is that not greed? Is she not a greedy person?

    Zikoko: No. We can rest in the morning and then party through the night.

    Friday:  I don’t want. You, the person on your team, or any other person with this idea. Please tell them I don’t want. Ahahn, because I’m being nice to you people? Can you open your mouth and say this kind of thing to Monday? 

    Zikoko: So, you don’t want the four-day thing?

    Friday: Zikoko, get Monday to do it.

    Chioma Munachi

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  • NYSC Diary Day 11: How Much Pepper Can Camp Show You?

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    6:00 AM

    The longer I spend here, the more I want to go back home. So far, it is fun mixed with hard work set to make us better citizens. But to be honest, is this training having any effect on people yet? Take Bros for instance. You know he was meant to he decamped yesterday? Well, I heard he was pardoned and told to write an undertaking. I don’t know what is in that undertaking, but I am sure that it must be something on being properly behaved till camp ends.

    Now you can imagine my wonder during morning mediation when I see Bros in all his peerless generosity dispensing abortion tips to the ladies. Like, from where to where, Bros? You no suppose dey mellow? But Bros is in his element, talking about how hot peppers can help a pregnancy disappear.

    Today’s morning mediation is commitment. Perhaps it is safe to say that Bros is only being committed to his ways.

    8:14 AM

    Off air. I have just read the news, and if I’m to describe how I feel, I would say I feel a mix of elation and disappointment. Here’s why: I was slated to read the news in pidgin and I had been excited about this. Only to hear that morning news cannot be in pidgin but in English, and that pidgin might be considered later, but English is paramount. So even though I am excited to finally read the news and not just do a newspaper review, I am still a bit flattened about this refusal to allow me speak pidgin. 

    Breakfast is bread, tea and boiled egg. I relax at the OBS studio. Soon, the bugle sounds. It is time for SAED.

    12:03 PM

    Here’s one thing you should know about Fridays in NYSC camp: if you’re a Christian or a Muslim who for some reason best known to you decides not go to Jumat or a traditionalist, Friday is one of the days where you get almost four hours of idle time. Once SAED practicals end by 12PM, you’ll be let off. Muslims prepare for Jumat around this time and don’t return until lunch which is by 2PM. 2PM is about ths time we have lunch, and on their return, lunch is probably being served or about to be. You take lunch, siesta, and when it is almost 4PM, the bugle is blown for evening parade which will most likely begin by 4PM. So, free time!!

    At SAED practicals, we learn how to make fruit salad and vegetable salad. Thanks to the sudden twist of the universe, I become the trainer’s unofficial PA and amplifier who echoes whatever she says to the class. What this means is that I get to stand beside her, help throw things away, take pictures with her phone. You know, those kinds of thing that make people call you a teacher’s pikin. Me, I kuku want to eat extra salad because I did not pay for practicals. I left class earlier yesterday and I didn’t know that they contributed for today’s practicals.

    In the end, I ate extra salad as I planned. My labour did not go in vain.

    8:30 PM

    You already know where I am, don’t you? And if you don’t, it’s the social night. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll miss the military regime that is this camp when I leave. You know, having someone force you to do something that will turn out well for you. I don’t know yet if I’ll miss it. What is known is that this camp is ending, and that when I get home, I’ll spend days in my bed, eating hot things day and night to banish the cold from my body.

    This camp don show me pepper.

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • All The Stages Of Being Drunk

    Make no mistakes, alcohol will fuck you up. If you’ve ever gotten blackout drunk before, you know it’s a journey of nonstop drinking and bad decisions. And because it’s the weekend again, we know you’re about to let yourself down and do a little drinking. How about we prepare you for what you’re about to go through by walking you through the process. (I mean you’re the expert drinker, but that doesn’t matter right now.)

    “I’m not drunk.”

    Nobody has to ask you if you’re drunk. You’ll just start telling your friends “I’m not drunk.” That means your body is ready to take the journey. Welcome. 

    “Am I shouting?”

    Everyone becomes funny. And you’re laughing a lot. You realise you’re probably very loud with everything you’re doing, so you ask the person you’re the most comfortable with, “Am i shouting?” 

    The Quiet Stage

    You become quiet because you don’t want to embarrass your family name in public. This is only after you realise you’ve just said something stupid but nobody heard. Now it’s time to control yourself. 

    Dancing to everything.

    You hear “Won t’ese le bo, yahoo ni babalawo” and you’re on your feet dancing. You can’t dance and you know you look stupid but it feels good. At this stage, you’ve lost complete control. Alcohol has now taken over.

    Seeing Double

    Now this girl you’re talking to is looking like two different individuals, and you can’t hear shit she’s saying. It’s like your whole existence just hit the whoa. 

    Can’t Walk or Stand Straight

    When you have to hold a railing or the wall to walk or stand, you know you’re gone. In your head it’s like, “Why did I take that last shot?”

    “Grfrvtgbjbgvdcfvhg”

    This is the part you don’t remember – usually a text or a tweet.

    Calling your ex.

    You have some stuff to get off your chest (and you need to tell her you miss her). Now’s a perfect time. 

    Lying down to let the tide pass.

    You think you’re feeling a bit more settled after the call to your ex and you want to rest a  bit before you continue the party.

    Waking up inside a gutter

    Cock-a-doodle-do sir! Get up from outside the gutter (or other awkward place you’ve ended up in, including the parking lot.) What happened? Nobody knows. Just dust your shame and be going home.

    ODavid

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  • Wise Words For Your Friday Flex, Courtesy Nigerian Politicians.

    Now the week is over, Friday rocks are drawing nigh! Congratulations on surviving five days of cursing alarm clocks, beating traffic to get to work on time and sneaking out successfully before the close of day.

    As it’s the start of the weekend (and salary week), you might be wondering if the week’s accomplishments call for a night of debauchery and raising hands with a bunch of strangers in a much too crowded open-floor plan. To help you make your decision, we called upon certain Nigerian politicians to employ their life philosophies to guide your decision making. Pick your choice.

    There’s Rice At Home – Bashir Ahmad

    You mean Nigeria is producing all this rice Abbah exaggerated about and you’re still going out to club? What is this life please?

    Ajeku iya ni o je – Dino Melaye

    Are you still owing Escape from last month, but plotting how you’ll shut down Quilox later tonight? Mr Melaye has a word for you. If you’re wondering what this translates to, it means, “the bottom of suffering is what you’ll get”. Trust me, that’s not a good thing.

    I am not one of them – Jimi Agbaje

    Do you want to be like everyone spending their Fridays drunk and disorderly? It could never be Jimi.

    Live within your means – President Bubucakes

    He literally said this one too. Don’t spend your Friday outdoing the next guy, slay in your financial lane.

    Lol, or not – Again, President Bubucakes.

    Go hard or go home.

    Step up in the club in two bullion vans – Bola ‘RicherThanYourNext’ Tinubu

    If you’re doing it, do it big. That is all.

    Buy Nigerian to grow the naira – Senator Ben Murray Bruce

    Now, nobody said you shouldn’t go clubbing, but make sure to do it for Nigeria’s progress. That said, if your bottle of Hennessey has “Made in Nigeria” inscribed at the bottom, we’re going to need you to take ten steps back from it.

    We will not take it – Godsday Orubebe.

    Godsday Orubebe has a word for you this fine Friday, and we’re inclined to second him. You mean you survived this whole week, battled traffic to get to work on time, met your deadlines and still won’t go out to celebrate? Sorry, but that ain’t right.

    And remember, All your sins are forgiven – Adams Oshiomole

    You might not be a party defector, but whatever happens on Friday night (with consent) stays in Friday night. Go and sin no more.

    Boyin Plumptre

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  • In Nigeria, We don’t celebrate things like Halloween or Friday the 13th, because see, the amount of scary things and bad luck in this country is already enough.

    How will I even be celebrating bad thing? God forbid.

    It would be nice to explain how and why Friday the 13th is nothing compared to just living in Nigeria everyday of your life.

    Friday the 13th ko

    You know you have bad luck when you close your eyes on Friday night and just like that, it’s Monday when you wake up!

    What did I do to deserve this oh God.

    Anyway, You’re up on that monday, rushing to work. “Ojota, yaba, yaba, enter with change o”. You’re in the bus and suddenly, the bus starts shaking, and gbam! it stops.

    You’re going to work in legedez benz. Talk about bad luck.

    While you are on your walk. From no where, at all, the clouds are getting dark, you start 100m race, but the rain is faster than you.

    So you give up and continue a miserable walk in the rain. At least you finally get to the office in wet clothes.

    After work, because you don’t want the rain to finish your life again, you take a cab or at least follow your friend who owns a car. Then SARZ stops you.

    You know how that story goes.

    Let’s talk about the mother of all bad lucks. When your mother tells you to sweep her room, but you’re watching football and forget.

    May that not be your portion.

    She comes back and meet’s her room unswept. See, just put yourself up for adoption.

    because once you hear your name once you are finished. It’s is like a real life horror movie.

    “so as we round up, I have to say..” if you’ve never heard a pastor say this, then you don’t go to church. This is a church members worst nightmare because you’re gonna hear it at least 6 more times before church actually ends.

    Can I get an Amen?

    Now just imagine something happening to our greatest National treasures. Ha! That’s Nigeria’s worst nightmare.

    Whatever we all do, we have to join forces to protect Wizkid and Davido, Simple.

    Let’s talk about your own personal treasure, you know when your salary finishes 1 week after you collected it. That’s when you know the real meaning of fear.

    “hello guy, abeg that 50naira I borrowed you on thursday, please I need it.”

    And if you ever want to get your heart broken, just try to check your account balance.

    Ha! See, from bad luck to bad mood, to bad day. Everything will just be somehow

    Living with a condition called the inability to dance shaku shaku leaves you in fear everyday. Seeing people who are so skilled at the art of shaku shaku showing off everyday.

    Oh dear insecurity.

    Another really deep fear that scares every Nigerian right now is the possibility of Buhari winning the coming elections again.

    God forbid bad thing. But at least you can prevent that by knowing how to get our PVC here.

    And the greatest of all these fears is sleeping and waking up and still finding yourself in Nigeria.

    “Please let me just go back to sleep. If you wake me up again ehn”

    Oh, before I forget, happy Friday the 13th!

    Don’t be too scared to tell me what scares you the most about being a Nigerian.

    Eniola

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  • 1. It’s another Friday so you get ready to turn up at the mosque.

    As per slay day.

    2. But first, you have to pray so that NEPA can bring light so you can iron your baffs.

    God abeg.

    3. How you turn up at the mosque with your squad.

    We’re back again!

    4. How your mother looks looks at you when the Imam is preaching against disrespectful children.

    You see yourself!

    5. How people splash water in the ablution room.

    6. How you run when the Imam has started the prayer.

    I mustn’t miss the prayer o!

    7. When you’re late and you have to pray on the floor.

    All your slay will be rubbing the ground.

    8. How your forehead looks when you finish praying.

    Ashy and dusty.

    9. When you get to the mosque and realise there’s no praying space for females.

    What rubbish?

    10. When one ‘Salam alaykum sister’ person wants to start setting P after Juma’ah.

    If you don’t gerrarahere!

    11. How people look at you when you get to the mosque at the end of Jummah

    “See this one.”

    Maryam

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