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Every micro-influencer and their grandma has a “GRWM: meal prep for the week” video on Instagram or Twitter. At this point, if I see anymore of these videos, I’ll scream. I thought we were all struggling and stuff. Isn’t the economy crashing in your area?
Food is supposed to bring you joy, especially now that life is tough. I tried to meal prep for a week, and here are my thoughts.
I’ve eaten everything in one day. Now what?
What happens when you meal prep those super small portions, and now, you’ve eaten five out of ten plates before they even freeze? Food is nice the day you cook it, and your brain will just keep saying, “Just one more bite”. Next thing, it’s all gone. Not me, though, but y’all be safe.
I’m a big believer in not tempting people to do things that might make me want to commit unalive. Anyone with siblings knows you can’t even leave water in the fridge without them drinking it, and now, you’re saying I should basically leave them a feast? Be fucking for real, abeg.
Eating the same thing is boring!
Didn’t we all want to stop being kids so badly so no one could tell us we couldn’t eat whatever we want whenever we wanted? You’ll eat dry spag and sauce for lunch for one-week straight and wonder why your brain keeps telling you to fight your coworkers. Sis, it’s unahppy.
Have you eaten defrosted rice?
As a Nigerian, half our foods are rice. So you too, imagine making a big batch of village or coconut rice and deciding to portion it out to last a week. By the third day, the sad state of the rice will make you want to cry. Sad food doesn’t slap!
The time you said I’ll save, I’m wasting it
They keep pushing this propaganda that meal prepping helps you save time, and I’m yet to see how. Cook one big batch of food that it does to make small tiny meals every day. Don’t ask me how I know. I just know.
What if it’s tastes bad?
We all make mistakes sometimes, what if I make a big batch of food, and it tastes horrible? Now, I have to suffer in silence for a week? Small portions will never do that to you.
Do you have shares in NEPA?
How will you guarantee they’ll bring light consistently enough for the food’s quality to remain intact in the freezer? What about when I’m ready to eat, and I need to use the microwave? Does meal prepping come with a different NEPA perk?
Since we have the best opinion on food on the internet, we compiled a list of ingredients that shouldn’t be missing from your next meal. If you like, don’t help your tastebuds to grow up, we’ve tried our best.
Love
You can taste when something has been made with premium wickedness. You don’t even have to eat it first to know. Sometimes, just looking at it will tell you that it tastes like wickedness. Try cooking with love today, it’s a game-changer.
Were you a vampire in your past life? No? Then why are you cooking without garlic? Please, explain what you’re afraid of in two seconds. If somebody offers you food without garlic, you’re probably dessert and not in a good way.
Onions
Aren’t you too old to be afraid of something because it makes you cry? The same tears you shed up and down for people who don’t deserve you? Please, respect yourself. Eat food made with onions.
Pepper
Except you have a medical condition, what sort of adult eats food without pepper? Pepper makes everything better, trust us. From avocado toast to garri, pepper spices up any meal. Help us help you.
Iru
You’re missing out if you don’t like iru. So what if it smells? Cover your nose. After cooking, you won’t smell anything, and your food will be 100 per cent better for it.
Crayfish
Crayfish works in everything. If you like, call it the “cockroach of the ocean”. They are very tasteful cockroaches. You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten crayfish blended with ice cream and a pinch of salt.
Green Peas
When it’s not like you’re 10 years old, picking out all the green peas from your fried rice. Green peas are so good and require little effort. They are great as sides and even better in any meal of your choice. Think of it as one small step for you, one giant leap for your stomach.
For the days you can’t cook, don’t have money or you’re just looking for something to snack on, here’s a list of foods you can eat raw.
Indomie
When watching series or movies, instead of plantain chips or popcorn, snack on Indomie. Don’t eat too much sha cause processed noodles are high in sodium. But believe me when I tell you that raw Indomie bangs.
Ponmo
My colleague, Bolu casually mentioned that people eat ponmo raw. And honestly, that makes sense to me because I don’t see the difference between raw and cooked ponmo; they’re both hard, except for the few that have been cooked properly until they’re soft.
Spaghetti
You know that thing people do when they cook spaghetti? Where they take a small bite of one raw strand before putting everything in the pot? Yep. If you can do that — don’t lie, you’ve done it before — you can eat a whole pack of raw spaghetti.
Raw ripe plantain tastes like banana. And if you’re trying to eat healthy and avoid fried foods, just eat your jollof rice with raw plantain. Trust me, it slaps either way, raw or dodo.
Okra
I’m not even joking, okra is actually a vegetable that can be eaten raw, as long as it’s clean. I researched and found out that it’s even safer to eat okra raw.
Ata rodo
You may feel like all your insides are burning, but you can definitely eat fresh pepper raw. Eating raw ata rodo is an excellent way to activate your tastebuds. Try it one day when you’re bored.
Eggs
Fitness people take raw eggs a lot, so nobody should look at me like it’s not normal. But it doesn’t have any health benefits compared to cooked eggs, so I don’t know why they do it
Corn
I wrote an article about what people ate in boarding school, and someone mentioned raw corn. Let it not be that I’m a crazy person for saying it; people actually eat raw corn, especially the juicy ones.
Your partner
At least I can confidently say with my full chest that you’ll like this one.
I wanted to buy bread yesterday, and the store attendant told me it was ₦800 per loaf. ₦800 for bread? Help me o, this economy dey carry me where I no know.
Everything is so expensive now that people are struggling to eat. And this is why I’ve come to tell you about the different ways you can acquire free food in this trenches economy.
Become a beggar
If nobody gives you food, at least they’ll give you money that you can use to buy food. Why do you think there are many beggars in this country? Not all of them are homeless poor people. Some of them are middle-class people hustling for free food.
Attend church events
Church events always have food, especially Anglican churches during Harvest season. If you’re in Lagos, attend a church event on the island, and you’ll think you’re at an owambe.
Lie that you’re sick
Let your Nigerian family members or even friends hear that you’re sick. The first thing they do is buy you malaria drugs, then later stuff you with food. Whatever it is that you want, they’ll give you. Just do small shakara like you don’t want to eat.
Churches are always very excited to welcome newcomers. Whether it’s jollof rice and chicken they give or just meat pie and coke, you’ll sha get food. Although there are churches that give notepads and pens, so good luck.
Get a job at a restaurant
There’ll almost always be leftover food to take home and eat. Especially if you work at a fast food restaurant. It may not necessarily be the food you like, but you can’t be a beggar with a choice. It’s even better if you’re a server that works for a catering company. Servers always carry leftover food from events and even enjoy more than party guests.
Visit family members one by one
Family members will never let you leave their houses without at least having something to eat. But you need to be careful about which family member’s house you visit. Because you may land in the house of a relative who can only offer you chin-chin and juice.
Befriend a chef
Chefs are constantly always cooking and experimenting with food in their homes. Become friends with a chef, and always go over to their house to visit them. Just say, “Oh, I was passing, and I just said let me stop by and greet you.” They can ask you help taste their new recipe Once in a while, call them to ask how they are. The more they think you’re a good friend, the more they want to show you love the one way they know how to — by feeding you.
Attend weddings, birthdays, burials etc. — any kind of owambe, just go and answer present. All these events almost always have food. Don’t worry about not knowing the person hosting the event. Just dress up and enter with your full chest. Make sure you carry bag that’ll allow you to carry extra food back home.
Eat the sacrifice foods they leave at junctions
Have you seen what is inside the bowl of food that people leave as sacrifice to the gods? Beans, eggs, meat, rice, moi-moi, plantain etc. That’s three square meals in one. My dear, stand at a T-junction this night and collect any food you see. The gods will be fine; they’re immortal and they understand there’s sapa in the land.
These days, I can’t eat yam pottage even if they pay me to eat it, but I loved the meal as a child. Apparently, I’m not the only one who liked eating certain meals as a child but ended up disliking them as an adult. We’re many, so here’s what some of us have to say.
“I almost died from stealing meat”
— Isaiah, 26
I hated the fact that my father used to get three pieces of meat while the children got only one. One day during the summer holiday, my mum cooked soup for dinner. After she had served everyone, she went outside to pack the clothes from the line. I stood up from the dining table and told my dad I was going to get water. The truth is, I was going to steal extra meat from the pot. What I didn’t know was that the soup was still very hot. At 10 years old, it was a struggle to reach into the pot and so it fell on me —a full hot pot of ogbono soup fell on top of my body. My mother beat the hell out of me for wasting the food she just cooked. The incident scarred me so much, so I’ve not eaten meat since then.
“I can never drink tea again”
— Tife, 23
I used to like tea as a child. Now tea, coffee, hot chocolate and all their cousins disgust me. I now hate tea because I once left my cup of tea under the fan and it formed this really thick upper layer which was gross. I’ve not had tea in like ten years and I don’t intend to, ever again.
“The way my brother ate peanut butter disgusted me”
— Oretha, 25
I used to like peanut butter a lot when I was younger. I started hating it at 13 because I couldn’t stand the way my brother used to eat it. Every opportunity he got, he was eating peanut butter. He had it with bread, crackers, popcorn etc. It was too much abeg. He made eating peanut butter disgusting. How do you eat peanut butter and garri? Is that normal human being behaviour?
“I think I overdid it with chocolate”
— Ifoghale, 22
My dad came home from this long trip to Europe with a lot of chocolate. For months, I was eating chocolates that never seemed to end. I think I overdid it. Now I see chocolate and I’m like, “Meh. Not interested.”
I used to like garri with sugar as a child. Now if there’s sugar in garri, I won’t touch it with a 10-feet pole. Sugar in garri just doesn’t sit well with my stomach and taste buds anymore, and I don’t know why.
“Picking fish bones pisses me off”
— Pharoah, 28
As a child, you could use boiled fish to kidnap me. Now, anywhere I see it, I run away. The reason I no longer like it may be petty, but fish has so many tiny bones and having to pick them off pisses me off. I cannot suffer to make money and still suffer to eat my food just because I’m picking bones out. I already pick out the onions in food, I can’t give myself more work with fish.
“Coconut makes me sick”-
— Dammy, 25
I hate everything made with coconut, except coconut rice, for some reason. One day in secondary school, I ate so much coconut candy I got nauseous. Since then, I cancelled coconut for life.
“I ate pounded yam throughout my first year in Uni”
— Mobolaji, 24
Not that I liked pounded yam growing up, but it was something I could eat. Going to uni in Èkìtì changed everything. I ate it every other day in my first year, and by my second year, I stopped eating it entirely.
“Beans almost made me take a shit in my pants”
— Francis, 27
I liked eating beans until the day I was almost disgraced in school. They served beans during lunch and, I don’t know how they cooked it but it gave me the worst running stomach. It happened during extra-curricular while I was playing football. It hit me quick, the poo almost dropped in my boxers while I was running. That was the last time I went anywhere near beans.
“My mother used Jollof rice to apologise after beating me”
— Mary*, 30
I hate jollof rice now because as a child, my mother would beat me when I misbehaved, and then use Jollof rice to apologise. She’d call me downstairs and put a plate of jollof rice and meat in front of me and walk away. That was her apology. Sometimes she cooked the food, sometimes she bought it. Jollof rice gives me PTSD.
On this episode of things you probably didn’t know existed: last week was food allergy awareness week. And because it’s never too late to learn about what Nigerians could possibly be allergic to, eight people shared with us how they found out about their food allergies.
Mariam, 36, allergic to pineapple
I found out I was allergic to pineapples in secondary school. As a child, anytime I ate pineapples, I’d have weird rashes that looked like chickenpox. Because I loved the fruit so much..no one could figure out it was the problem. I’m asthmatic, so the day I went to a dermatologist, they told me the rashes could be an effect of my asthma. Apparently, asthma could also cause dermatitis. But none of the prescribed treatments worked.
When I had a random discussion with a school friend, she told me she explained was allergic to pineapples. I found it weird, but I told my mum about her. We never thought I could be allergic to anything until then. That’s when we decided to take an allergy test. We found out the issue was pineapples, and I had to give up my favourite fruit ever since.
Tito, 24, allergic to egusi
I remember never being allowed to eat egusi. My mum explained that when I was about two, I had it once and ended up in the hospital. When I got to boarding school, my parents informed the school of my dietary restrictions, so I always had something else when egusi was served at the dining hall. But someone dared me to try it one day, and since I like trouble, I went for it. What’s the worst that could possibly happen?
I took a piece of meat from the soup and ate it. Hours later, I had a severe skin irritation that looked like ringworms which lasted for weeks. Because of that incident, they changed the whole school’s food timetable. But later on, in university, I bought okra soup without knowing there was egusi in it. I took Piriton tablets immediately I noticed, but I still ended up at the clinic with my entire body covered in hives and red spots.
I didn’t know I was allergic to milk until I was 24. It started out with stomach aches and bloating, but I didn’t realise it was a milk issue until weeks later. On a random day, I had only cereal to eat and then the aches and bloating started. That’s when I knew it was the milk. The truth is, I’m drinking milk right now, and I’ll probably never stop even though I’m clearly lactose intolerant.
I live in Nigeria, and plant-based milk is too expensive. I also dislike it, so God forbid that I’ll ever spend that much on oat milk. Taking milk is a risk, but the reward outweighs it. It’s called lactose intolerant, not lactose impossible for a reason.
Ope, 28, allergic to fish
I always hated the smell of fish as a kid. Whenever my mother was making a batch of her favourite mackerel stew, I made sure I wasn’t in the kitchen. She refused to make a separate stew just because I didn’t like fish. She sometimes added chicken to the stew sha, and on the days she didn’t, I boiled an egg to go with my rice.
But each time I ate the mackerel stew, I had a weird itch in my throat. There were no sores, but the itch was frustrating because I couldn’t scratch them. I never thought it was the stew since no one else reacted to it. I didn’t figure out it was the fish until I turned 12. I spent a month at my cousin’s house during a school break, and their mum never cooked with fish — she hated it as much as I did. I never had any itch when I ate her stew or soups, so I suspected it was better for me to stay away from fish.
I’m not sure it’s only mackerel that makes my throat itch, but I’ve stayed away from fish ever since. Of course, my mum didn’t like that, so I learnt how to cook my own meals to avoid wahala.
Garden eggs have never looked great to me. I was never excited by the idea of eating them whenever I saw them being hawked on the streets. I may have eaten them once or twice as a kid, but not enough to notice I was allergic. I didn’t find out until I went on a vegetable fast in 2019 for fitfam.
I typically bought cabbage, carrots and spinach from the mallams around my area at affordable prices. But I didn’t want to keep eating the same vegetables and wanted to try something new. So, I decided to switch things up with garden eggs. They were also easy to find, cheap and sold in portions that could last for days.
When I got to the office the next day, I chilled some in the freezer to have for lunch. I think I had two or three big ones with a bunch of carrots. The next thing I knew, my mouth and lips were covered with sores. You’d think that would be a sign to avoid garden eggs, but I thought all I needed was Vitamin C. The same thing happened when I bought them the next day, so I realised I was allergic. Staying away was easy since I don’t even like garden eggs.
When I was 14, I tried alcohol for the first time with my boyfriend. It was our high school prom, so we had some gin. I can’t remember what happened next, but I ended up at the hospital for three days. The doctors didn’t clarify what was wrong. All I saw was a drip on my arm and nurses going in and out.
I haven’t tried alcohol since then, but I recently found out that Aldehyde dehydrogenase (ALDH2) deficiency can cause severe reactions to alcohol. What this means is that my body lacks the enzymes to digest alcohol. I’m not sure what exactly happens when I drink it, but I’m too afraid to try.
Unwana, 28, intolerant of cooking oil
For most of my life, I wasn’t sure why I threw up after certain meals. I didn’t think to observe what exactly triggered the pain afterwards because it happened with almost every food I ate. Whether it was stew, soup or just jollof rice, I’d vomit at least 30 minutes later.
I didn’t realise it was oil until 2011, and that was after I had some really oily rice I threw up instantly. I couldn’t sleep because of the pain I felt that day. That’s when I knew the issue was oil. Doctors kept recommending drugs that didn’t make me feel remotely better, and so I didn’t find anything that worked for the pain until I started taking Antacid in 2015 due to an ulcer.
It wasn’t exactly a great solution because I still experienced pain, but at least, it made the pain bearable and manageable. Oil isn’t something I can avoid, so I have to deal with this on a daily basis and limit my intake.`
Beatrice*, 27, Intolerant of eba
When I was 15, I found out I was allergic to heavily starchy foods like eba or semo. I used to eat them as a kid, but in secondary school, I began to experience severe pain when I tried eating them. The pain was similar to what you get from piles.
Eventually, I went to the hospital and it turned out to be a rectal pain caused by swallows. I’m not sure what changed in my body, but it’s like how we’re not intolerant to milk as babies and suddenly become lactose intolerant.
People say two heads are better than one, but when it comes to preparing these eight meals, you’re better off on your own. If you try to cook any of them when someone is around, you’re going to fall your hands.
1. Pap
Making pap is already a game of Russian roulette. So having someone watch you prepare it only increases your anxiety and your chances of failing.
2. Fried eggs
I can’t explain what happens once you fry eggs for other people. When you fry eggs for yourself, it’s amazing. But when you fry eggs for someone else? Epic fail. It’s either the salt is too much or it’s completely tasteless. Why?
3. Jollof rice
Sometimes jollof rice is only out to offer premium disgrace. When you cook it for youself, it’s red as blood and tasty as fuck, so much that you want to eat the plate. But the moment someone is in the kitchen with you, it’ll decide to mess up and look like white rice with red lipstic ear and dear.
This is the one food with audacity. Even when you’re alone, pancakes can disgrace you. So just imagine when someone is now watching you. Imagine when you now flip it and it lands on the floor.
5. Poundo yam/amala/fufu
Some things should be left to the professionals. And by professionals, I mean Iya Sukirat down the road. If anyone decides to show up at your house to ask to eat poundo yam or amala, just take them there. If you decide to make it yourself, anything you see, take it like that
These two soups will disgrace you and your ancestors. Everything depends on that soup drawing. The moment it doesn’t, it’s game over. Never cook this soup when people are around you. E go fall your hands!
7. Noodles
There’s something about making noodles for anyone other than yourself. It either turns out extremely dry or soggy as hell. The worst part is trying to explain how your noodles typically bang on a normal day.
8. Spaghettini
The slimmer the spaghetti, the greater the potential of disgrace becomes. Just like noodles, spaghettini only takes one minute to overcook the whole and end up with sticky clumps. Just play it safe and cook the regular spaghetti when people are around please.
Nigerians believe the weirdest things. From women that are half fish, and snake swallowing money, to how rubbing agbalumo on the wall makes it sweeter. Here are the most ridiculous Nigerian food superstitions I’ve ever heard.
1. If you eat sugarcane at night and don’t sweep it away, you’ll have bad luck and craw-craw
I was already screaming at the thought of having bad luck just because I forgot to sweep and they had the audacity to add craw-craw to the mix.
2. If you swallow an orange seed, it’ll grow in your head
If I count all the orange seeds I’ve swallowed in this life, I should have an orchard chilling on my head by now.
3. If you eat two plantains joined together, you’ll give birth to twins
So by this logic, if I cut that plantain into two…
5. If you eat mango and garri, you’ll die
Why would you even eat mango after you eat garri? Why are you making two bad bitches fight for dominance in your stomach? Is that not wickedness?
6. Eating snail and grasscutter makes children sluggish
First of all, why are you even eating a grasscutter? They look like rat’s and I’ve never seen a rat and wanted to eat it. As for the snail, that one is their business. Sluggishness no dey kill.
7. Eating the butt of a chicken will make you a talkative
Look at that person in your life who talks too much and now you know why they are the way they are. It makes no sense, but if you’re eating something that bitter, the least it can do is give you the ability to talk about it in detail.
8. Fish head and gizzard are for the firstborn
I’ve always known that being a first child comes with some perks because, yes, I agree. It’s true. Let’s leave it like that.
Looking for ways to enhance the taste of your food? Well, look no further! With these six random items, the taste of your food will definitely improve.
1) A plate that is also a bowl
Eating food from a small plate with a deep center elevates the taste of any dish. Flat plates makes food bland.
2) Eating with a fork
When you eat with a fork, you’ll take smaller portions into your mouth per time. That means you’ll be able to savour every sensation and revel in every single flavour. You’re giving your tongue time to actually taste the food, unlike shoving everything down your throat with a spoon.
3) Air Conditioner
When the air from the air conditioner is cooling your brain, you can process the taste of food better. Imagine eating hot food in a hot room? Life no suppose hard like that.
There’s this thing chefs do that they use gold when making their food. Since you don’t have gold, you can place stacks of dollars beside you while you eat. With riches come more dignified taste and the ability to appreciate the finer things in life.
5) Eating from the pot
If you don’t know where to get a bowl that is also a plate, then we suggest eating from the pot. Eating from the pot brings out the best part of the food, as you’ll feel closer to the flavours. Especially if it’s jollof rice.
There’s no sweeter taste than the defeat of the people that conspired against you. Something about preparing your table in the presence of your enemies. But if you can go one step further to bottle the tears of your enemies and sprinkle them on the food you’re about to eat, expect a tantalising delicacy.
If you’ve ever thought about why you never seem to move forward with your weight loss diet goals, I’m here to tell you that it’s due to your inability to stay away from the Nigerian foods below. And don’t worry, I’m not judging you. I totally understand.
Banga and starch
Banga and starch will forever be a top tier combination. But if you’re trying to make any progress with your weight loss and diet, this combo will take you 10 steps backwards. I mean, banga soup is literally 50% oil. How can you be drinking oil and complaining that your summer body is not bodying? And starch is literally the ingredient everyone tries to avoid in meals, but Nigerians are mixing it with palm oil and calling it swallow. God safe us.
Garri
If you’re drinking garri with just water, you’re fine. As the Nigerian that you are, you’re most likely mixing your garri with milk, groundnut, sugar and (for the psychopaths out there) salt. This concoction is where the problem lies.
Akpu
From saying the name alone, you can already tell this food is heavy as hell.. If you eat Akpu often, be sure that the body goal you’re trying to reach has been delayed. You’ll eat akpu and sleep for three days, while the calories just settle and create a home in your stomach.
Yam
Yam is such a sneaky bitch. You’ll think you’re eating healthy by eating boiled yam, only to find out that half a slice of yam is 118 calories. And here’s the thing; —you and I know that no one eats just half a slice. So imagine what 3 full slices will do to your body. And that’s even before you pair it up with a side like fried eggs. Omo!
You’re eating akara in the middle of a big loaf of agege bread, combined with pap filled with half a container of milk and three big tablespoons of sugar and you have the audacity to wonder why the trousers you wore last week are suddenly tight around the waist? Please come off it.
Dodo
God help you if it’s the over ripe, soggy dodo that soaks up enough oil to give somebody a heart attack. (That’s the only dodo I recognise by the way). Diet in the actual mud.
Small chops
Small chops are the major reason half of Nigerians haven’t reached their supposed fitness and health goals yet. There’s nothing healthy in a small chops pack because all the things inside are deep fried in oil. The worst part is that you can’t even avoid small chops as a Nigerian because it’s in your face everywhere you go. If you don’t see it being sold in traffic, you’ll find it at a wedding reception, or your office party.
Ewa Agoyin
The problem with ewa agoyin is not the beans, it’s the “stew” that is basically oil with a dash of tomato and pepper. And some cultists will still have the audacity to eat it with yam because they want a “balanced diet”. LMAO.
Bukkas will always have a special place in our hearts. Why? There are some of your favourite meals you’d say “God forbid” to making, but eat like a chairman when someone else decides to cook it. Here are nine of them:
1. Starch and banga
Southerners love a good serving of banga soup, but you see the stress? First, you’ll wash a whole bag of palm kennels, then boil and pound it with strength only the ancestors can give. You think you’re done? LOL.. Next, you’ll extract the juice to boil for hours. Why all this for food that’ll finish in under ten minutes? After all of that, you’ll now start turning starch with the remaining power you have. No, thank you. If you cook it I will eat sha.
2. Pounded yam
Shout out to the bukkas that continue to do the Lord’s work. Anybody that hates pounded yam is probably a semo lover. Feel free and those are the people to disrespect semo lovers when you see them. As much as pounded yam feels islike an elite masterpiece we need to eat every day, the energy to carry mortar and a pistol is not the soft life we’re here for.
3. Anything made from beans
The only way to eat moi-moi and akara in peace is to buy them. Every other option requires at least two hours of dedication. Yes, there are hacks to washing beans, but who will pick all the stones inside? Let’s not even talk about the people still using leaves for moi-moi. They’ve renounced anything that has to do with enjoyment because, why?
4. Ofada rice and stew
This is a meal strictly for Iya Sukirat down the road to make. Anybody that can get up unprovoked to make ofada rice and stew has received nine lives from the gods. They’re practically cultists. Feel free to beg them for food sha.
5. Fried rice
JSometimes I feel jollof rice is your main boo because fried rice is that expensive, high maintenance side piece. Why do I need to spend half of the time I’ll use to fry tomato and pepper to cut vegetables and other orisirisi for fried rice? And if you comment about the vegetables that are already cut and packed in supermarkets, I will bite you. Stop it.
6. Ekpang nkukwo
If you’re big on delayed gratification, this is the food to really test your patience. You don’t want to be in the house when a Calabar woman decides to cook ekpang nkukwo. Just find somewhere to stay because you will grate cassava tire, and that’s only the beginning. This food literally takes the whole day to cook.
7. Black soup
This is one food you can’t start and finish on your own. You will wash bitter leaf like it’s white socks after secondary school inter-house sports day. If you’re craving this food, I suggest you practice self care. Pick up a plate and go to Iya Sukirat’s place.
8. Ukpo Oka (Corn pudding)
It’s the advanced version of moi-moi made from corn. This is a meal you leave for your grandma to cook because only she has the time.. Corn is already stressful to eat, then imagine sitting to take out corn from 30-40 cobs. No dear, wait for grandma or buy it.
9. Abacha
It’s super easy to make, but it always tastes better when someone else goes through the stress of making it. If it’s not from the woman down the road, it ruins the enjoyment in abacha. Try and make it yourself and see.
Meat pie is perfectly imperfect because it doesn’t contain these 8 ingredients. If we fix up and start including these ingredients in meat pie, it’ll finally become elite. You’re welcome.
1. Yam
What are potatoes if not yams yassified? Anything potatoes can do, yam can do. Yam even has an upper hand because it can choke you and I’ve never seen potatoes do that, please.
2. Beans
Knowing that this is already a thing in Warri just shows that they have good taste. Elevate your taste buds today and add this in the next time you’re making meat pie.
3. Scent leaves
I feel like there’s nothing that scent leaves can’t make better. They can give you clear skin, make the quality of your life better, attract money to you — we’ve tested, tried and and now trust our findings, don’t worry.
4. Eja kika
`Just let us put you on to good things. There’s fish and then there’s eja kika. It’s not the same thing I promise you. The texture, the taste — especially when boiled — just imagine it inside meat pie. Something divinely inspired this recommendation.
5. Okra
For one, okra is vegan, so you’ll be elevating your lifestyle. You can boil it, fry or bake it, and it would still slap. What’s a little sliminess for you, anyway?
6. Akara
What’s better than beans? Fried beans. Meat pie stuffed with akara is basically agege bread and akara that studied abroad anyway.
7. Atarodo
Just slice raw and add them to the pie so that we can actually taste the heat, please. Meat pie is too sweet please, we should humble it with a little atarodo.
In choosing a partner to date or marry, most people do not often consider food compatibility as much as they should. The stories these 8 people told me about food issues in their relationship are a mix of hilarious and ‘oh dear’, but after writing and reading, it made me think about the importance of knowing and understanding your partner’s food preferences.
Tunji
I like my yam thinly sliced while my girlfriend likes big chunks. And this, yam slices, was what caused our fight. She had a fit about it. She said it was an indication of how I don’t listen to her. How I don’t care. I apologized and started to cut my yams differently.
We broke up two years later. There were many reasons, but at the core of it was that one partner was less attentive.
Sarah.
My boyfriend is always undecided when it comes to food. The first time I asked him what he wanted to eat, his response was “I don’t know o, the men in my family have this thing where we’re always indecisive when it comes to picking food.”
I was silent for a few seconds. In my mind, I thought, “As per generational curse or?” Because frankly, I didn’t understand. The next thing he said was, “So what are we going to eat like this?”
I have learned to stop asking him that question.
Dolapo.
I love locust beans (iru). It’s what I grew up eating; my best stew is one that contains a lot of it. My boyfriend doesn’t like it. He loves beans, I don’t. The first time I cooked stew, he made a comment. “You eat a lot of iru oh.” I laughed, brushed it off as a normal compliment. But for the two days that we had the stew, I saw that he was forcing himself to eat it. Later, when we made a food timetable, he found a way to include beans into everything while locust beans was dropped. For the first 2/3 months, I had to manage the beans. He’d cook it, and I would eat very little with a lot of garri. He never noticed. I had to let go of iru even though it was something I love a lot. I only used it in okro, which was something we cooked once in a while. I picked up eating beans which was something I do not care so much for.
Locust beans (iru).
And there was the issue of my not eating much. Although I love to cook, so much that I even offer to cook for people, I don’t eat much. Sometimes, I eat once a day, and sometimes I can even forget to eat. I find it very stressful that we humans have to get our energy from eating. The result of this is that I find it hard to make food decisions. I can spend close to three hours trying to decide what to eat.
And now here’s the problem: I have ulcer, and I weigh about 50kg, so he always wanted me to eat three square meals even though I did not want to. He’d ask me what I wanted to eat and I would take a long time to decide. Or I could decide and then change my mind five minutes later. I eventually told him that putting the responsibility of deciding what to eat on me was a difficult situation to put me in.
We lived together for seven months before we broke up. There were a lot of reasons, but my indecisiveness about food and my refusal to eat was a large part of the problem.
Chidera.
We went out on a date to a place I’d never been. He’d been there lots of times, enough times to know what slaps on their menu and what didn’t. So, I asked him to order, and he settled for spaghetti Bolognese for the both of us. Now, here’s the problem: I’m the kind of girl who can have a full plate of food in front of me but would rather eat yours. It’s a love language.
When our spaghetti Bolognese was brought, I put my fork in his bowl and tried to eat from it, and he got so angry. I honestly couldn’t figure out why. That was not the first time I would be eating his food even though I had mine, so why was this one different?
You know what he did next? He pushed his food toward me and said I had to eat both. And I was like, What? I told him I couldn’t eat it, so he just left the bowl in front of him. He didn’t touch it until I finished eating mine. It was such an awkward, quiet date.
I tried to kiss him when we got home, but he said he’s still mad at me. And so, me too, I told him I still don’t understand the problem because it wasn’t the first time I would be eating his food. Here’s what he said: “All the other times you ate my food, we weren’t eating the same thing. I have a problem with the fact that we had the same plate of food and you still decided to eat mine. And not just anywhere, but in public.”
I never touched his food after that. And it’s very painful, because how do I show love?
Folasayo.
My husband loves Semo and Fufu — two things I do not like. I mean, who eats Semo??? But because love and other such stories, I buy Semo during our monthly grocery shopping and I prepare it for him as well. Fufu on the other hand? Jesus has to intervene.
Ibinabo.
Shawarma is my life. My life. And I’m dating someone who doesn’t eat shawarma. Can you believe that? I have threatened to break up because of it. It’s like why??? That’s a red flag nau. Beyond that, they’re such a picky eater. Do you know I keep a food chart for them to keep track of what they eat and how they eat it?
And then they judge my food choices. Imagine. So what if I eat ice cream and fried yam? Why are you judging me? They tell me they love me either way, as if they’re doing me a favour and I’m not the one adding spice to their life. Tueh. Also, he feels like I’m going to dump him for food one day. He’s not wrong. Food makes me happy, food makes me cum, food makes me feel good. What do I really need a man for?
Roseline.
My fiance is a white man. He cannot stand pepper, neither does he completely enjoy Nigerian food. Yes, I am used to foreign food—mashed potatoes, full English breakfast, the whole shebang, but I am Nigerian, Yoruba, and it’s inconceivable to assume I can survive so long without pepper or Nigerian food.
At first, I made what he liked: foreign food, less pepper. And when I started craving efo riro, eba, soup, I decided to introduce him to Nigerian food in small ‘doses.’ I’d cook meals that were not too peppery for him to handle. It was a fair deal.
And then I made pounded yam and efo riro one day. When I cook, I don’t taste it until I’m done or it’s time to eat. It’s just how I am. When I served my man the food, he screamed. It was too peppery. Even me, I tasted it and knew that I had fucked up.
After that incident, I had to settle for making two meals: my own Nigerian food and his own foreign food. It wasn’t the most enjoyable thing. In fact, it was a lot of work. Getting a cook made it easier.
Grace.
Before anything, I should let you know that I love spaghetti and ponmo. I can eat spaghetti as breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even as an afternoon snack. As for ponmo, I can buy food and have them fill the whole plate with ponmo. It is who I am. Now, the issue.
One day, my boyfriend and I were hungry. We’d both had a long day and we decided to get food on our way back home. Where we stopped at, they had only swallow, so I offered to buy spaghetti on the road and cook when we got home. He said nothing — not to agree or disagree or make any comment. I bought the spaghetti with my money, prepared it, and served him. And then he refused to eat it. It wasn’t even that I could not finish the entire pot if I wanted to. I could, but there I was, offering him a plate and he was rejecting it.
The next thing he said was, “Did you even ask me what I wanted to eat before deciding on spaghetti?”
Wahala.
He didn’t eat that spaghetti, and he didn’t talk to me that night. Same thing the next day. He went to work, came back and still kept up the silent treatment. So I confronted him. He took it very serious. Started talking about, “Have you even considered eating other things except spaghetti?”
Me I told him, “Bros, no shout for me oh.”
That incident passed, only for the ponmo incident to happen. That day, he helped me get food, and he told me there was no ponmo, so he got meat for me. I agreed and ate the food. It was after I finished mine, that I saw that he had ponmo in his own food. So I asked him, “Why was there ponmon in your food and you gave me meat? You know I’d rather have ponmo.”
Frankly, I was angry. It seemed like a comeback on the spaghetti incident and all the spaghetti-related issues we’d had before then. Like how he’d buy me tiny spaghetti to cook when he knew fully well that I don’t like tiny spaghetti. It also seemed like he didn’t put me into consideration.
Food plays an important in relationships. For many people, food is their love language, and for many others, food is a strong determining factor when they choose a life partner. So, to avoid “Had I Known”, don’t cook these foods for a person you’re not married to.
1. Pounded Yam
Omo, it’s for your own good oh. Imagine pounding yam furiously for a man that will later tell you, “I just don’t think we have a future together.” Or a woman that will say no when you ask her to marry you.
Backbreaking labour wasted. God forbid abeg.
2. Ekpangnkukwo.
You yourself, have you cooked something this delicious for yourself before attempting to cook it for a man or woman who is probably cheating on you? Until there’s a ring and an official document, let everybody patronise their favourite restaurants please.
3. Moi moi
You too, reason it: You’ll soak beans, peel it, wash it, take it to be ground, bring it back, add the condiments, measure it in tins, put it in a pot, and then wait for it to steam.
All for someone who hasn’t met your parents. Omo, may the labours of our heroes past not be in vain oh.
4. Ofe Nsala
Ofe Nsala. OFE NSALA for a person that has not talked marriage yet? Hmm. If it’s scratching your body to cook, why not open a restaurant???
5. Ogbono
This one is to save you from embarrassment oh. Imagine cooking ogbono that did not draw for a person you’re chyking or that is chyking you. That’s how your cover will blow and they will break up with you. You’ll now be that guy/babe that cannot cook ogbono.
We rebuke it for you.
6. Efo riro.
You’ll cook efo riro and the person will start running after you and professing love. Small time, people will accuse you of washing bumbum inside the soup because why else are they running after you like you’re their oxygen tank?
Think about it.
7. Pap/Custard
We are not saying you should not prepare this one for them. But wait until you’re married and you live together. That way, if you make River Niger for them and call it pap, they will take it like that. After all, they promised to love you with all your flaws.
8. Pancakes
Again, wait until you’re in the house oh. Cause your pancakes can turn to scrambled eggs and casala can impregnate wahala. You need to be sure that nothing can pursue you out of that relationship.
9. Semo
This one is for your own good. Semo is widely hated. You don’t want to inherit that hatred, so it’s best you don’t even near it at all, even when you are married.
A lot of restaurants are now online and people can order food from their home. Ideally, this should make everything easier. But this is Nigeria, nothing is ever easy. You will understand this post if you have tried to order food online.
1. When you call the restaurant and they have the food you want on the menu
My taste organs are doing cartwheels already.
2. When they confirm that you will get your order in 30 minutes
You people are the best in this business.
3. You, counting down to the 30 minutes like
But why is the time so slow?
4. You, wondering why you haven’t got your order after the first hour has passed
Did the dispatch rider get into an accident?
5. When you call them again and they tell you that there was a problem with the dispatch
Something is doing you people
5. When they bribe you with extra food
Ooin. You people are doing well.
7. When they finally call you that your food is on its way
Please be fast.
8. When the dispatch rider calls to ask for directions again
ARE YOU MAD?!
9. When the rider calls to tell you he has arrived
Finally!
10. When you get the food and realise it’s cold already and you’re not even hungry anymore
I just wasted two hours of my life.
11. You, calling the restaurant the next day after you’d swore never to order food there again
Call me my name.
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There are two constants in my life. There’s the fact that every week, unfailingly my mother will ask me if I’ve found a husband yet. Then there’s the fact that every month, I spend a ludicrous amount of money I earn on food. On the plus side though, I get to make lists like this.
So here are the best food places I checked out in April, that deserve all your coins. You are welcome.
The only type of ice-cream you deserve.
Gelato baby.
You work hard from Monday to Friday. You live in Lagos and spend half of your time just sitting in traffic. You’ve been on a diet for a year and a half now, it’s not showing on the scale. So whenever you want to indulge in ice cream, you deserve the premium stuff. And you can only get it from one place in Lagos – Hans and Rene.
I haven’t been to any other ice-cream place asides from Hans and Rene since they opened their doors to the public in 2015. Because I like the finer things in life.
Location: 1a Ozumba Mbadiwe Ave, Victoria Island, Lagos You should try: Cherry Amarena
The most consistent steak sandwich in Lagos.
Over the past year and a half, I’ve probably been to the backyard at least half a dozen times. And every time I’ve been there, I’ve ordered the exact same thing: Their steak sandwich and a TBY lemonade. It has tasted exactly the same every single time, and with how mad Nigeria has been moving lately, it’s comforting to know that the sky will always be blue, water will always be wet, and the steak sandwich at The Backyard will always be a cheesy, yummy, goodness.
Location: 4b Musa Yar’ Adua St, Victoria Island. You should try: The steak sandwich, duh. Their wings are also pretty fire.
The best strawberry smoothie I’ve ever had.
I didn’t know it was possible to mess up a strawberry smoothie until I tried the shake at Eric/Maison Kayser and realized no strawberry smoothie I’ve ever had could compare. Food Shack’s comes pretty close. But none could compare.
I also tried out a pizza so forgettable I don’t remember the flavour. To be fair to them, my favourite pizza place is Pizzeriah. And it’s hard to compete with Pizzeriah.
Location: 864 Bishop Aboyade Cole St, Victoria Island You should try: The strawberry shake first of course. But also check out their pastry display.
An actual frozen margarita.
A strawberry margarita is my favourite cocktail. Here’s how to make one. You fill a blender with ice. Pour in some tequila and triple sec. Add strawberries and limeade, then blend. Simple enough right? You’d think so, but I’ve had so many bad margaritas in Lagos, I usually tend to stir clear.
So I have no idea why I decided to give one a try at the bar of an arcade. It turned out to be the best margarita I’ve had in a very long time.
Location: TwinWaters, Okunde Bluewaters scheme off, Remi Olowude St, Eti-Osa, Lekki You should also try: Their wings.
Yes, pineapple belongs on pizza.
I don’t care what anyone has to say, including the Italians, but as far as I’m concerned, pineapple belongs on pizza. Fight me. If you always hated pineapple on Pizza, I’m willing to bet half of this month’s salary that La Taverna’s ‘Lagos Street’ pizza could convert you.
Location: 48 Balarabe Musa Cres, Victoria Island You should also try: The Smoke Lamb Ravioli. Disclaimer: Its been two years since I tried this. But it changed my life
Quarter to party jollof rice.
I’ve never gotten the hype around White House. Every single time I found myself there while in Uni, it was a disappointing experience. But my VRSUS adventures had me going to check out their Jollof rice. And aside from party Jollof, they might have the best Jollof I’ve had this year.
Location: 9 Chapel St, Yaba. You should also try: Boyin swears by their amala.
Starch and Owo
I’ve never thought to go looking for Delta food in Lagos. But this episode of VRSUS had me doing so. And in the process, I discovered the gem that is Delta Pot. I’d give them an E for effort with their banga, because they left the banga stick in too long. But their Owo was spot on. Even my mother would have approved.
Location: 18b Fola Osibo Rd, Lekki Phase I. You should try: The Owo with smoked fresh fish and nothing else.
What to avoid? Danfo Bistro’s ‘Maroush’
I love food, just as much I hate to spend money. Every time I get a debit alert I feel something inside of me die. So as you can imagine, nothing hurts me more than when I don’t get the value for my money on anything I spend on. Most especially food.
As my good deed for the week, I decided to throw in the absolute worst thing I had this month into this list. So that you and your wallet can steer clear.
Location:2 Alexander Rd, Ikoyi. You could try: Their Zobo sangria is actually not bad.
