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There’s no winning with African parents. Depending on whether you’re the black sheep or the favourite child, there are two things involved.. If you’re the black sheep, you’re safe. If you’re the favourite child, there’s only one thing involved: they’ll stress your life.
How? Read on to find out.
Your siblings think you’re a snitch
This is how you look to them when they’re talking about something private and you try to join in.
Your parents rope you into being an actual snitch
They’ll come and disguise it as heart-to-heart talk but they really want is for you to start confessing the sins of your siblings.
You’re their retirement plan
Did you think being their favourite child is for free? You’ll pay for it with extra black tax, dear.
They’ll turn you to their gist partner by force
Sometimes you just want to sleep or be by yourself. Try telling that to an African parent when they want to gist about their friend whose child just got arrested by the police for stealing someone’s pet goat.
This is how you know you’re their favourite child: when you really start considering their feelings as an adult even though you want to do something else. You now have to hide that tattoo you got because you wanted them to think you’re still a child of God
They send you on way more errands
We all know sending you on errands is the love language of Nigerian parents. You’re only going to be getting more of that since you’re their favourite child.
They use you as the moral compass
You can’t stay out late with friends without them thinking you’ve grown wings. Even though you’re in the streets, you can only be making guest appearances because of eye service.
You become the third parent
To your siblings, you become a middle-aged Nigerian giving them life advice they didn’t ask for.
Nigerian parents have proven to be the same everywhere. Do you want to win their hearts? Follow our list to become their favourite child. If you don’t think your parents have favourites, well, you need this article more than you think.
Call them regularly
You already knew this — constant communication with someone makes them more fond of you, talk more of Nigerian parents that love gist. Whether it’s gist about a relative, gossip about church people or an annoying co-worker, they’re there for it.
Send them pictures
Forget all the love languages you think you know, this is what your Nigerian parents want — especially if you don’t see them often. Send them pictures of your day, of you with your friends, at work, in church, everything.
Even though they’ll always see something wrong, like your hair, dress, makeup or bikini, they’re lowkey excited. You’ll be giving them pictures to update with a “my priceless jewel” caption on their Wuzzsup.
Stop pressing your phone
They’ve made it very clear that they hate the sight of you pressing your phone, imagine how happy they’ll be when you actually decide to stop.
We’re not saying it’ll be easy but love is sacrifice, right?
Introduce them to your friends
Remember when you were younger and your parents kept complaining about you always going over to your friends instead of them visiting you? Well, turns out Nigerian parents don’t like to feel left out; they actually want to meet your friends and infiltrate your circle.
Give them grandkids
From what we hear, Nigerian parents become softer when they have grandkids, so having a baby is your opening to steal their love and affection.
One thing parents love more than grandkids is having a child they can brag about. Adding “Doctor” to your name will make your parents love you even more. I mean, who doesn’t want to be a “Mama/Papa Doctor”?
Be the first or last born
We don’t understand why this works, but it does. If you’re already a middle child, *tears* wake up and claim a different position. If they ask you, just say you’re born again and that’ll be the end of that conversation.
Follow them on social media
You may not know it, but your parents see your follow-back on social media as a stamp of validation. It means you rate them and it shows. Before you know it, you’re bonding over funny memes and the latest trends. I don’t see how you’ll not be their fave after that.
The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 24-year-old woman who is a middle child. She talks about seeking attention growing up, and her strained relationship with her father.
What’s your earliest memory of your childhood?
I crashed my older sister’s birthday. I was in Primary One, and it was December. I told my parents that I wanted to celebrate my birthday the same day my sister was celebrating hers. I threw a tantrum until they got me my own cake and gifts on that day.
In January, which is my birth month, I wanted them to celebrate my birthday again. They ignored me.
Why did you do that, and wasn’t your sister angry?
I was being dramatic for attention. I thought my sisters were more awesome than I was. I love them and they’re my best friends in the world, but I felt I needed to stand out in some way.
My big sister was trying to be good, so she just accommodated me.
Does this mean you were constantly getting your way as a child?
I won’t say I was getting my way all the time. My parents realised that if I wanted something, I would throw a tantrum, so my mum started ignoring me. It was harder for my dad to do so because, unfortunately, I am his favourite.
Why is it unfortunate?
My dad and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things like feminism, charity work, mental health issues. All of those things are a big part of who I am and who I am becoming. Being his favourite child is like mixing two separate things together.
He’s on the African dad side of things. Like on mental health, he believes that if there is nothing physically wrong with you, then you are absolutely fine. There was a time he took me out on a drive. I don’t know how to drive, and when you put me behind the wheel, I get panic attacks. I kept trying to communicate with him that I couldn’t do it because of my anxiety, but he told me to stop speaking “big big English”. When my breathing became laboured, he said to “stop that nonsense” and just drive.
The moment he said that, I couldn’t breathe anymore. That was how I was till I got home.
Doesn’t this affect your relationship?
It does. I don’t feel like I can come to him when I am not mentally sound. I have had a lot of panic attacks recently, and I wanted to ask him to please pay for therapy for me, but he wouldn’t do that.
I think he notices the strain in our relationship, but he doesn’t know how to address it. Instead, he goes out and buys me my favourite snacks. It has been like that since I was a child. When I was sad, he would buy me food I liked. It was also his olive branch.
However, as I’ve grown older, I’ve realised that things are different. Our relationship is getting to a point where it wouldn’t survive if I become financially independent. I don’t want it to be that way because since we lost our mum, he’s the only one my sisters and I have.
I understand. How did that affect your relationship with your dad?
While my mum was alive, she used to be the buffer between my dad and my sisters. She never allowed us to feel the full range of the emotions he carried and his behaviour.
When she died, we were exposed to all of those feelings, and it was hard. It still is.
Do you ever think your sisters were jealous of your relationship with your dad?
I won’t say they were jealous. They were just aware of the situation. I mean, I get away with a whole lot more than my older sister. Also, they were the ones that pointed out I was dad’s favourite before I even realised and accepted it.
My sisters and I are very close. They know everything about me, and I know everything about them. We back each other up. If I didn’t have other friends in the world, and it was just my sisters and I, I would be fine.
What do you think will make your relationship with your dad better?
I think moving away. If I move away and start to make a living, I can insulate myself enough to accept him the way he is without it affecting my life and well being. Therapy might also help as well.
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