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If we’re being honest, there’s nothing outside. Streets are tough, everyone is trying to prove something, and people are fighting each other in the name of love. You don’t need that. You need butterflies in your tummy, a permanent smile on your face, and that ex that made life seem extraordinary.
Lucky for you, we know how you can get them back.
Go to their family house
In your quest to return to the love of your life, you better make your way to their family home. Report yourself to their parents so they can see how serious your love is and help you get your boo back.
Buy whatever they’re selling
Even if it’s houses and cars they’re selling, think of it as an investment into your joint future. Close your eyes and make that big purchase.
Make a big declaration of love
When Osuofia sang, “I no need sense to love o. Your love makes me a happy mumu,” did you think he was joking? Put on your big pants and tell the world you’re still in love with your baby and want them back. If declaring this online doesn’t work, we suggest paying for ad space on one of the billboards around Lagos’ third mainland bridge.
Send them prayer meeting links
This only works if they’re super-duper into religion. If they’re not, and you send them NSPPD link, you might just find yourself blocked in a matter of seconds.
Send them gifts
You might have to send it through their friends and family, but at the end of the day, all that matters is they see your five tubers of yam, one kilo of turkey and half bag of rice. This will help them understand that your love for them surpasses Tinubu’s economy.
Remind them of the good times
Follow them back on all their socials and start posting about the good times you shared. Chances are they’ll catch the love bug and welcome you back with open arms.
Wait outside their house
If all of the above fails, make your way to their place of residence. They’ll find you there, see how strong your love for them remains, and maybe, just maybe, your ex might become your current.
As much as we hate to say this, sometimes, good things do come to an end, even when love is involved. Because we care so much about you and your relationships, here are all the telltale signs you’re about to be an ex.
They stop buying you gifts
If they no longer shower you with gifts, it simply means they’re no longer grateful for your existence and presence in their lives, and you know what comes after that.
They don’t hold your hand in public
At some point, you’ll have to stop and ask yourself, “Are their palms really sweaty, or is their love for you nonexistent?”
They refuse to lie about your cooking
Everyone likes to shout that lying is wrong, but sometimes, a little white lie is okay. For example, if your partner no longer feels the need to lie about the deliciousness of a meal you slaved over a hot stove for, then it might be time to call it quits.
They don’t laugh at your jokes
As far as your partner is concerned, you’re the biggest comedian in the entire world. Once that delusion thought process ends and they stop laughing at your not-so-funny one-liners and inside jokes, start preparing for your return to the streets.
You no longer complete each other’s sentences
The entire point of a relationship is for your partner to know you like the back of their hand. They should know what you’re thinking 50% of the time, so they can complete your sentences. If they can’t do this for you and you can’t do this for them, maybe it’s time to go your separate ways.
Once they stop thinking you hung the stars and the moon and you’re the best thing since smokey jollof rice and the Long Island iced tea Lagos bars serve, then it might just be the beginning of the end.
You avoid them
Once you find yourself hiding behind pillars and plants to avoid your partner and the bad energy they now bring, best believe it’s time to take yourself out of the equation and look for love elsewhere.
Today’s lesson is simple and straight to the point. No beating around the bush or cutting corners. No making promises at the beginning and only fulfilling at the end.
Sometimes, being in a relationship is great. You find someone that loves and adores you completely and would pull down the moon and stars just to put a smile on your face.
At other times, being a single pringle in the muddy streets is a better option for you because the person you’re with acts like you’re in a long-distance relationship (even though you live in the same city) and moves like they’re your biggest opp.
Maybe you didn’t know better then, but now you do. Now, you’ve realised this person doesn’t care about you, and it’s time to let them go and move on with your life. But for some reason, this very recent ex has now decided this is the time to move like Sanwo-Olu – be in your face 24/7 and start fulfilling all the promises they made unprovoked.
Here are some things they might do to win you back and all the ways you can free yourself from their shackles and tell them to kindly pack their load and geddifok.
First, the love bombing
The first thing that ex would do is blow up your phone. See, they literally have nothing better taking up their time, so they’ll disturb your life with calls, texts, and stalk your social media. They might even start sewing threads and professing their love for you on Twitter.
What to do? Ignore them. They didn’t have your time before you gave them the boot, and they won’t have your time if you take them back. As a matter of fact, if you take them back, they might double the shege they showed you the first time and really press your neck this time.
So avoid them, block them on Twitter, and block their numbers. If they use their company accounts to tweet at you or email you, block those accounts too.
Then your love will start costing more than a dime
When hounding you on social media and blowing up your phone with calls don’t work, they’ll try to buy back your love. They’ll send you discount codes for rides around your city, return the stuff they took from you and act all apologetic about it.
They might even find a way to reach out to your place of employment and get you that raise you’ve been begging for. And that’s a red flag. If they could do this before, why did they choose to wait until now?
What to do? Take it. Take everything they’re offering because you deserve it, and then shut the door in their face because they deserve it.
If your ex still doesn’t get the memo and doesn’t have the decency to see that you no longer want them, the next thing on their list will most likely be to attack your eyes. This ex will suddenly be everywhere — on your friend’s Instagram story, Whatsapp status, heck, they might even try showing up on your tv screen.
What to do? Turn off your TV, block the people that won’t stop posting them everywhere, and regain your peace of mind.
They weren’t doing it before, but now they’ll want to be your shoulder to cry on
You’ll think blocking them, and their associates will mean you’re no longer their problem, but you’ll be wrong. Somehow, this ex that never cared how you rolled out of bed in the morning or how your day went will find out about the two new people chasing you and showing you love all over the place. Instead of them returning to their house and letting you enjoy your life, they’ll start trying to one-up them.
You don’t feel too well? They’ll send a doctor to your house in the morning and food in the afternoon. They’ll start moving with vim, trying to fix your life.
What to do? Say tufiakwa and look away. You’re too smart to fall for lunch trays and check-in visits.
And now, cue the slander, gaslighting and general denial of all wrongs done.
Sometimes, people lie when they say they want you to be happy. Nobody tells this lie more than that ex. After telling them nonstop that you’re no longer interested in them and trying your best to move on. They’ll start peddling lies and rumours about your new beau. They’ll try to paint their black white and call you blind while at it. They’ll tell you that the person you know for a fact is their glucose guardian, is just a long lost relative, and that they didn’t do all the things you saw them do.
What to do? Marvel at their ability to lie fluently and shut the door in their face. Because they’re attacking your mental health and calling you an idiot at this point , and you can’t take that.
Chances of your ex letting you be after all their futile attempts are sadly still very low, so all you can really do now is dodge them and hope they tire out sooner rather than later.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
The subject of this week’s Sunken Ships is Mercy* (26). She tells us how she had to suppress her bad bitch life because of her ex, Olamide* (28). He didn’t like that she was always outside and knew so many rich people.
How did you meet?
Mercy: Olamide and I met in 2020 at a small New Year’s Eve party. Since the COVID restrictions weren’t completely lifted, it was an invite-only party, but we could all bring plus one’s. He was his friend’s plus one. So there was one guy who kept trying to talk to me. I just grabbed Olamide randomly, and pretended he was my boyfriend. Luckily for me, he went along with it and the other guy bought it. That’s how we started talking that night.
He looked harmless, so I just stayed with him. He told me about anime, tech, crypto, and all the other stuff he was interested in. I wasn’t really into any of that, but he spoke with so much passion that I listened. Plus, he was kind of funny. I had a good time. Towards the end of the party, we exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. We did.
And then?
Mercy: We texted as often as we could and even planned to meet up. What really drew me to him was how different he is from the kind of guys and girls I usually date. Because of the kind of work I do, I’m used to people who want to be as public as possible because of collaboration opportunities and other stuff. He, on the other hand, was a banker who loved to watch anime and read books. A good time for him was indoors just chilling. It was refreshing, and he quickly became a safe space for me for when outside became a little too much.
So what happened next?
Mercy: The first time we went on a date was a week or so after the party. It was to a lovely restaurant I’d been to a couple of times. He said he wanted to impress me, and I thought it was cute. I got there before him because I lived closer to the place, so while I waited, the waiter told me someone bought me a bottle of wine. I’d already had about two glasses when Olamide arrived.
We talked a bit, ate some really good food and even drank the wine together. When the bill came and he asked why the wine wasn’t on the bill, the waiter informed him that it was paid for by someone else. He got upset that I shared a drink with him bought by another man on our date, but I apologised, and he let it go.
Did things like that happen often?
Mercy: Random people buying me stuff? Yes. I won’t say I’m the prettiest girl in Lagos, because babes dey, but I can hold my own. Plus, people with money just like to impress. I didn’t grow up rich, but I grew up around rich people, so I had a lot of connections and certain doors opened for me because of this. I’ve gotten used to being around people who flaunt their money hoping it’ll get something from whoever. But it’s usually because they have nothing else to offer. I take the money or gifts because it’ll make them feel good about themselves, and I get to spend less. Win for everybody.
How did Olamide feel about this?
Mercy: Oh, he hated it. Before we started dating in April 2021, I tried to hide it from him as much as possible. I chalked up most of the perks to being a part of my job but didn’t go into details.
What changed after you started dating?
Mercy: I couldn’t hide the real sources of the gifts any longer. It’s not like I didn’t try, but dating meant we spent a lot of time together, and he got to see what my life was really like — parties, gifts, mini and not-so-mini celebrities and a lot of other things. I tried my best to make him feel as involved as possible, but he made it very clear that it wasn’t his thing and I should just have fun. At first, it wasn’t a problem. I’d text him while I was out and sometimes call him when I get back. Sometimes, I’d go out from his place so he could watch me get ready. When I return, he’d help me take off my makeup and clothes, and we’d cuddle till I fall asleep.
I also stopped accepting every invitation to every event. Being with him made the world stop moving at 1.5x speed. We’d order food in and take turns watching romantic comedies and the anime and thrillers he liked. The first couple of months into the relationship were great.
Mercy: I can’t pinpoint exactly when, but I know my birthday in September was a disaster. It wasn’t because of anything he did, but because of everything else that happened. At this point, we’d basically moved into my place together because it was bigger and closer to where he worked.
So on my birthday, he wanted us to have a sit-down dinner at home. He’d cook, we’d dance to some songs from the speaker and do a marathon of movies I’ve been meaning to see. I loved the idea. I hadn’t spent my birthday indoors in about three years, so I was excited. It was a Friday, so he got home earlier than he usually does and met several boxes and bags of stuff in the house. People had gotten me a lot of gifts. Hair, money towers, expensive perfumes, clothes, etc. He didn’t say anything, but with each delivery I got, he got quieter. During dinner and after, my phone kept ringing and buzzing from notifications. I had to turn it off at some point.
The next day, my friends were throwing a birthday thing for me at the club, and he’d agreed to come, but he suddenly changed his mind. He said he wouldn’t feel comfortable there, and I didn’t rate him as much as I did my club and party friends. I was upset he’d think that because I’d turned down so many requests to hang out on my birthday just so I could spend time with him.
I went to the club alone and tried to have fun, but I kept thinking of how sad he must’ve been. When I texted, he didn’t reply. I called, he didn’t pick up. I couldn’t face him, so I told him I won’t be coming home and spent the weekend at my friend’s place.
How did you guys move on from that?
Mercy: I don’t think we really did. I went back to the place on Monday and tried to cheer him up with a gift I got him. It was a sweater of one of the animes he likes, but he barely acknowledged the gift. He just said he wasn’t upset and we just continued living together.
I kept trying to keep things from him to prevent him from getting upset, but that backfired because it made him think I was cheating on him.
Were you?
Mercy: Not at all, but he thought everyone was a suspect. Whenever I mentioned hanging out with a girl or sleeping over at hers, he’d get pretty defensive and angry about it. He even tried to stop me from going out a couple of times, even when he knew they were work outings.
At a point, my friend got involved and staged an intervention for me. She told me that he knew the kind of person I was before he started dating me, and I did all I possibly could to reassure him. It wasn’t fair that I was the one making all the sacrifices and walking around eggshells because I didn’t want to upset him. She rounded it up by saying I was too much of a bad bitch for him so he either had to get with the program or get out.
Damn. That’s a lot
Mercy: Yeah, she’s kind of intense. Would you believe that I didn’t even break up with him after her pep talk? It wasn’t until November ending that I found out he was cheating on me with one of his coworkers.
How did you find out?
Mercy: I needed his phone for a video I was making and she texted. I went through their replies and I was wrecked. I threw him out of my house, blocked him everywhere, and I haven’t been in contact with him since then.
Wow. Any regrets?
Mercy: That I allowed myself change so much for him. Sure, staying indoors is nice and fun, but I chose my line of work because I like to be outside. I like to shake my ass and have fun with my friends. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t like that. It’s too much of an important part of my life.
With the housing crisis, recession, and the need for freedom, more and more people are sharing accommodation. It’s cheaper, you can leave your parent’s house, and many more great reasons. However, the problem is, who do you move in with? Well, due to careful analysis and a consultation with the team at Zikoko Statistics, we’ve narrowed down the best option, which is your ex.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer
Monitoring their moves and behaviour never got easy. Plus, if you’re the toxic one in the relationship and you’re scared they might want to retaliate and do something absolutely batshit, you have a chance to keep a really close eye on them.
Inspires you to do better with your life
You can’t let your ex think you’re doing terribly without them. You can rub your success in their face, so take it. Go to the gym, maintain a healthy social life and cosplay as a mentally stable adult. Plus, do you know how embarrassing it’ll be for you if your ex comes to tell you that you’re late for rent payment? If that’s not enough motivation to work hard, we don’t know what is.
Easy access to their DNA in case you’ve not healed enough
As much as we want to pretend we’ve healed enough from the terrible relationship, sometimes only revenge can help you move on. If you and your ex live together, you can access their hair, saliva, blood, skin, etc. Enough that you can take it to your herbalist and place a heavy curse on them.
It’s giving enemies to lovers
We said we’re going to romanticise our lives this year, so why not start by doing something that looks like it came from the pages of your favourite young adult novel?
People have lived with romantic partners, best friends, family members, etc and they’re always complaining about how badly it turned out. Do something out of the box. Who knows, this might be the one that works out.
For the plot
It might not be good for you mentally, but it’ll be good for the plot and sometimes we should just do things because it’ll be good for the plot called life.
You get to sabotage their future relationships
How many people will feel comfortable dating someone that’s living with their ex? Exactly! If they stressed you out, you must stress them out.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
The subjects of this Sunken Ships, Eno* (23) and Emem* (21), share how love wasn’t enough in their relationship. They talk to us about the situations surrounding their breakup, choosing to remain friends and thoughts on getting back together.
How did the two of you meet?
Eno: We met in person in January 2020, but we started texting in December 2019 when I responded to one of her tweets.
She’ had mentioned she was coming to get yarn somewhere around my office for something she was crocheting. I jokingly asked her to buy me food. She did, and I gave her the most horrible directions she never let me live down.
Emem: Emphasis on the horrible directions part. I don’t know how they do it, but they can make you get lost on a straight road. I decided to come see them because I was bored. Also, we had been texting a lot leading up to that time, so I just thought seeing them wouldn’t be bad. It became a thing where whenever I was anywhere close to that area, I’d try to see them.
Eno: If we were not physically seeing each other, we were on calls for hours on end. I was enamored by her and everything she did. I wondered how one person could be so full of life. She was amazing.
Emem: Was? Ah.
Eno: Shut up.
LMAO. When did feelings get involved?
Eno: I realised she liked me in February when she tried to buy me a Valentine’s Day gift. She said she got gifts for all her friends, but she didn’t talk to me like someone who was talking to their friend.
Emem: Truly, I do buy gifts for my close friends every year, or I at least try to. With Eno, I said that because I didn’t think they liked me too.
Eno: I knew I had feelings for her, but I also had feelings for someone else. I couldn’t reconcile liking two people at once, and it kept leading to arguments.
I know it hit me one day in June. It was after one of our arguments. We weren’t speaking to each other, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her. With every errand I ran, I wanted to share the silly things that happened to me with her. That’s when it hit me that oh, I was actually in love with this person.
Emem: We started dating in the first week of July. I texted them one day and was like why don’t we do this relationship thing.
Eno: I wanted to ask, but she beat me to it. She always beat me to everything. Her blood is too hot.
Emem: If I like something, I go after it. I don’t like wasting time.
What was the relationship like?
Eno: We were in love, and it felt perfect-ish, like we made sense together. The good days were really good, but the bad days were really bad. She always got me; I didn’t have to struggle to explain certain things I did or why I did them.
We had a messy beginning, and it took a toll on the relationship. I hated to admit it, but it did. Loving her was easy though. Unfortunately, in many ways, we kept hurting each other. One thing she used to say was, “Love is not enough” and she was right because it wasn’t.
Emem: I’m a broken person, and the thought that a relationship could be without drama was very new to me. I felt like problems were necessary, so when we solved them, it felt wrong.
The beginning was messy because they were new to relationships and wanted to go at a much slower pace than me. I think that was the main problem of our relationship; we never walked at the same pace.
I wanted to buy them all the gifts I could buy, and show them off. But they wanted to be more intimate, to spend more time together, getting to really know each other. I felt we could figure ourselves out later on in the relationship, but they thought we should do all of that in the beginning.
By the time they started picking up the pace, I’d slowed down.
Is that why you broke up?
Eno: I didn’t listen enough to her physical and emotional needs, so we became incompatible somehow. I didn’t make her feel loved and wanted.
Emem: Instead of communicating with them how I felt, I kept letting it pile up till I just burst from frustration and annoyance. I dated them for two years, and for half of that time, we were walking on thin ice around each other.
Eno: She stopped getting me the way she used to. It’s like she forgot there were other parts of me than the ones she already knew.
She stopped asking me what movies I enjoyed and just kept referring the ones I watched when I was a teenager. It felt like she was stuck on the person she met and not the one she was growing in a relationship with.
Emem: We should’ve broken up a long time ago, but by November 2022, I knew we couldn’t enter the New Year the way we were, so I asked that we break up.
Eno: Every day after the breakup was hell. I cried so much and couldn’t eat, and I was miserable. I couldn’t share jokes with her or see her, and God, I cried. I cried on the bus and the road. Everywhere. I have no idea how I got anything done.
I knew we were going to break up, but I hoped we wouldn’t. Even though I was prepared for the possibility of a break up, the reality knocked the wind out of me. I was rendered useless.
I felt alone in my sadness. I didn’t know if I meant anything or if we were important. I hated the awkwardness that came with texting her. It was like a grating noise. She called me my name one time during text instead of the nickname she gave me and I cried myself to sleep.
Emem: I may have asked that we break up, but I cried a lot. There were days when I’d want to call and tell them about my day, but I couldn’t. The realisation would lead to more tears. It was a lot. They’d weaved themselves into every corner of my life, and I couldn’t escape them. Their birthday is my password, so every time I opened my phone I was reminded of the fact that this person was no longer in my life. They were friends with my friends and we even had to do some work together. Even the book I was reading in school was bought for me by them. I couldn’t escape.
I felt like I had made a huge mistake with the break up, but at the same time, I knew I did the right thing. We needed to work on ourselves away from each other.
Eno: I missed all the silly things that made no sense to anyone but us, her teasing me, having someone be more excited than me about my stupid interests. I missed her in her entirety.
I also missed her mum. I didn’t know how much of our lives had become so intertwined until the break-up. She was unavoidable. I didn’t even want to avoid her.
Eno: To be honest, it was hard to be friends at first. I’d blocked her everywhere because everything was too painful a reminder of the relationship, but I missed her friendship.
We make the best friends. The jokes and conversations we have, I love them. I eventually responded to texts, called, and we fell into a comfortable routine a month after we broke up.
Emem: That’s my guy forever and ever. Even though the romantic part of our relationship suffered, the friendship was always there. We showed up for each other and even after we broke up, we still show up for each other. Being friends with Eno is a special type of relationship, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Eno: Yeah, what she said.
Emem: I greatly dislike you.
Eno: You love me.
Emem: I really do.
Something you learnt from the breakup?
Eno: I learnt that I’d somehow lost my sense of self. I didn’t know how to be soft anymore, how to enjoy my company, and I’m capable of being bold and better. Also that she’s softer than she lets me know.
Emem: I’ve always been a softie, but yeah, I was too hard with you. It’s unfortunate that almost everyone saw the softest version of myself but the person I was supposed to be in a relationship with. I learnt that I have problems, and I’m trying to work on them. But I’m enjoying this whole being single thing for now.
Do you see yourselves getting back together?
Eno: Yes. Well, I hope so.
Emem: Yeah, I do, but like, not now. We have some personal things to discover.
Eno: And we need to make sure we won’t make the same mistakes we made the last time.
Emem: Period, bestie.
What do you plan to do differently?
Eno: If I feel more secure spending time with myself, I’d be able to show up more for her and actually listen to her and not just hear what I think. I’ll show her how much I love her at every given moment and make the silly TikTok with her. I’ll dance on the road with her and just enjoy her without asking her to be more or less than she is.
Emem: I’ll talk about things more. I didn’t know when I became so closed off to them, but I plan on opening up more. In fact, I’m even trying now. Abi?
Eno: Yes, you are.
Emem: Baby steps and a lot of hard work, but I try because I love the idiot.
The exes in question don’t include the emotionally and physically abusive, toxic ones or those who don’t have anything to offer anyone in their life. We’re talking about the one you lost because of distance, lack of communication, falling out of love and other fixable stories.
So with these seven points of ours, we want to convince you and not confuse you to give your ex a chance.
Your parents are tired of hearing new names every week
First it was Ade, then Tolu, Tobi, Chisom, Alex, Eno and many others. Your parents are old. How do you expect them to erase names from their memory every couple of weeks? Let them use their brain power for other things.
There’s nothing outside
Everyone on the streets is problematic. If they’re not talking about stupid things like body count, it’s how you shouldn’t expect basic human kindness from the person you’re sleeping with. Do you really want to participate in such razz activities? Outside is cold; your ex is warm. Think about it.
The group chat has created a spreadsheet to keep track of all the people you’re talking to. Spare them. How many people can they block or dodge in public? They can’t even attend certain events because one of your former people might be there. Plus, the more people you date, the less they can date. Please, pity your friends.
You know them
With your favourite ex, you know how they like to be comforted when they’re sad, the foods they like to eat and things that make them happy. These things are ingrained in your brain, so you don’t have to do trial and error. Go back to where navigating a relationship doesn’t feel like a minefield.
Do you really want to start finding out another person’s favourite colour?
This year that you’ve chosen to get your money up, you want to still take time out to learn someone’s favourite colour? Are you not tired of all the small talk? With your ex, you already know all the basics. You’ve gotten to a point where you might commit crimes if someone new asks you what you like to do for fun. Kirikiri blue won’t fit you, but do you know what will? Your favourite ex.
Are you not tired of the playlists?
How many people have made you playlists this month? Are you trying to have so many playlists that Spotify or Apple Music will carry gbese?
You don’t have to talk too much
Your favourite ex understands why you hate certain family members, why you’re banned from certain restaurants, or why you passport was seized. They know how to plan things that won’t require you to start explaining too much. However, whoever you start talking to will need explanation upon explanation. That’s tiring. Your ex isn’t tiring.
They’re your favourite ex, so they must have done some things right
The fact that this person is considered your favourite ex means they must have done a lot of things right. So ask yourself why you let it all end? Distance? Communication? Lack of love? Any of these three things can be handled with a long phone call and plenty tears.
At the end of the day, if whatever made you and your favourite ex break up is something fixable, fix it. There are many unfortunate people in the world, but the foolish person you know is better than the foolish person you don’t know.
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
*Disclaimer: Alex* is gender nonbinary and uses they/he pronouns. Thank you*
Alex* had bumped into Femi* at every summer lesson they attended. So, it was natural they became friends. From friends, they started dating. Now, they haven’t spoken in years. Here’s Alex’s story:
How did you meet him?
Alex: I don’t remember the exact way we met, but I do remember we kept meeting at various summer lessons when we were in primary and junior secondary school. When I got to SS1 in 2012, I stopped attending them. So that put a halt to our conversations.
Then, I graduated and didn’t get into uni immediately, so it was back to summer classes by 2015. Guess who was right there? If you meet someone that many times, you’re bound to be friends or at least talk to them. So, we became friends.
What was the friendship like?
Alex: Being friends with him was pretty easy. We could talk about anything from our parents to depression and even our crushes. It helped that he liked the kind of things I did. We liked the same music and books, things people constantly thought I was weird for enjoying.
He was also extremely protective of me. Yeah, he spent a lot of time trying to scare me by convincing me to watch horror movies, but no other person was allowed to. He teased me in a way similar to how you acted with a younger sibling, and I found it funny because I was a year older than him.
How did the dynamic change?
Alex: He was a great friend, and I didn’t want to ruin it. That’s why I didn’t tell him about my crush on him. I listened to him talk about the people he liked and the ones who liked him while seething with jealousy.
In 2016, we both entered uni, and I got into a relationship with another guy who broke up with me a day before Christmas. I don’t know if that’s what made him confess he’d always liked me, but he did. He even made me a playlist, which is how I started making playlists for people.
Any reservations?
Alex: Yeah, but I thought it’d be messy. I thought dating would suck, and if we broke up, I’d lose my friend. I agreed anyway because I liked him. We started dating properly in the new year.
What was dating him like?
Alex: Soft. He always wanted to make me happy. We would always go on dates even though we were broke 100-level students.
He was very intentional about showing up for me. His school was far from mine, but he still came to see me every weekend. He thought I was brilliant, and everything I said was genius. I almost believed him.
Sounds amazing so far
It’s just he was a very sad boy. Sometimes, he’d just close up without telling me what was wrong. And whenever he went silent like that, I knew something bad had happened. But all I could do was worry and expect the worst.
He was passively suicidal, so his silence could’ve meant death. But we’d never gone off for longer than a week before.
Alex: Three months into our relationship, he did the disappearing thing again. A couple of days passed, then a week, and suddenly it’d been three weeks, and I hadn’t heard from him.
He didn’t use social media, and he had only one friend. Whenever I called the friend, he’d refuse to tell me what was happening. I couldn’t even leave my house because my parents wouldn’t let me leave the house.
While worrying about Femi and trying to understand why he’d disappeared for so long, I met this guy who told me everything I wanted to hear: how I deserve someone who won’t treat me that way. He was writing me poetry and all that. So one day, I kissed him.
When Femi eventually reached out to me, I told him I kissed someone else. I broke up with him. It felt too much like cheating.
How did you feel after the breakup?
Alex: I don’t know. I didn’t feel as different as I thought I’d feel. While talking to this new guy, I was already subconsciously letting go of the relationship with Femi. It wasn’t until the relationship with the other guy scattered that it hit. It became two in one. I thought I was going to die.
Did you ever reach out to Femi again?
Alex: No. I couldn’t. We haven’t spoken in years now, but I don’t think I want any form of romantic relationship with him still. I’ve currently changed as a person, and I don’t want to be hate crimed by someone I used to love. I want the memories I have of him to remain good forever.
Alex: I regret losing my friend. I wish I could still talk to him about certain shows because we have history, and he’d understand why things make me feel the way they do. I wish I could tell him I watch horror movies now and send him some theories about my favourite musicians, but I can’t. I don’t miss our romantic relationship; I just missed our friendship.
I genuinely wish I never crossed the line from friend to lover with him. He truly was one of the best people I had in my life. He made it easy for me to live every day. I really regret losing my friend.
The obvious thing is if you still live in the same city as your ex, you’re not over them. Now, tick all the things in the quiz you can relate to and we’ll figure out the rest.
Tick all the things you can relate to:
You got #{score}/#{total}
You were over your ex the same day the relationship ended. You’ve rid yourself of anything that reminds you of them.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You’re almost over your ex. You just need to strong your heart a little more and let that person go.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You’re not over your ex. Matter of fact, you may never be over you ex. You still stalk all your exes on their socials. looking for a situation that would make you enter their life again.
Not all break-ups end in pain and gnashing of teeth. Sometimes, people have realised that dating doesn’t work for them, so they move on to a different kind of relationship: a friendship. Here’s what to expect when you want to become friends with your ex.
You may cry a lot
A lot of their current actions or inactions may cause you pain, especially if you still have strong romantic feelings towards them. You’d have memories of who they are and what they’re going to be. You’ll see their growth in real time and you’ll remember you no longer play the same part like you once did and you have to support them in a different way, going forward. It may bring tears to your eyes, but crying isn’t a bad thing.
Separate the person you once knew from the person you now know
The person that was dating you and the person you’re trying to be friends with may not be the same. They probably picked your calls at midnight because they were in love with you back then. That may change and you need to respect that. Humans change when the relationship capacity changes.
It will be awkward. You may cringe a couple of times and will probably forget how to talk to them. You may slip up and call them a former pet name and fall into an awkward silence. But it’ll pass eventually and you’ll be alright.
Create healthy boundaries
Protect your peace and your space. Make sure to let them know the ways and capacites you can be available for them. It’s easy to blur the lines for someone you were once in love with, so stand your ground.
Make peace with yourself
You can’t successfully be friends with them if you’re still holding on to things that may never be. Free yourself from the expectation of getting back together and enjoy this new phase.
Jealousy will come but how you navigate it is what matters
They’ll most likely date someone else. You’ll see them do things both of you had once planned with their new partner(s). You’ll also see them do things for their new partner that they swore they’d never do. It’s okay to feel some jealousy, but you need to understand that you’re no longer in their life in that capacity. Feel your feelings, but don’t do anything rash.
Give it time
Don’t rush into the friendship. It may take a while for it to finally work out well, so don’t rush it. You may have hiccups today and fights tomorrow, but if you’re deliberate about the friendship, it’ll most likely work out.
Sometimes we get overwhelmed and make decisions we later regret. In this article, seven Nigerian women talk about why they regret leaving their ex.
Tomisin, 25
My ex used to send me not less than 50k every month. He moved abroad and after two months, he told me he has fallen in love with someone else. I was angry for a while but I eventually agreed to the breakup. Now I am broke and I miss him.
Efe, 22
I left him because I was young and I was too ashamed and worried about what people would think of me dating him. I didn’t want anyone to know I was in a relationship so I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He was so good to me and I miss him. I often think of how things would have been today if I didn’t care what people thought.
Aisha, 31
I left him because he was hanging out with someone I didn’t like. I was angry and he knew that but he didn’t address it. That made me even angrier so I went to be with someone else.
I regret it because I realized I was still madly in love with him and so was he. We continued the relationship but we kept using other people to make each other jealous. When we broke up, we dated other people but we would cheat on them with each other. It was crazy. Our love was intense and sometimes I miss it.
Chichi, 24
I feel like I didn’t acknowledge the fact that they were quite rich while I was in the relationship. Now I need that money in my life.
Bimbo, 18
I felt the relationship was going too fast so I broke up with him. He asked me to meet his parents and in my head, I was like, abeg oh, I am just. So I left. But now I regret leaving him because I feel like I lost someone good to and for me. I think he was better than I deserved but it’s too late to get him back.
Tumi, 23
I miss her sometimes because she was the kind of girlfriend anyone would like. She was sweet and we talked very often. It was a long-distance relationship and she was always trying to control my decisions. She was also always asking for money and I don’t have a lot. I wasn’t used to any of it so I broke up with her. Now I miss her because sure, she is overbearing but isn’t everyone else?
Ebi, 21
My ex was the sweetest person ever. Even though she initiated the breakup, I didn’t fight for us and I wish I did. I stopped reaching out to her and moved on. I found out a couple of months after the breakup that she was dealing with some personal issues at the time and didn’t mean to break up with me. I feel like if I had paid more attention I would have known but I was thinking about how much she hurt me with the breakup. She taught me how to love and I will always be grateful to her.
In February, I made a call for Nigerian women to share stories about their best ex. Annabelle was one of the women who sent in a story. When I shared the article on Twitter, a lot of people were curious about Annabelle’s story and she was willing to share. Here’s what she told me:
When I was 18, I got diagnosed with bone cancer. It was tough to deal with because I was in my first year of university. I struggled with pain and nausea at random points in the day. My friends were great. They would help me write my name on the attendance when I had to miss classes. A lot of money went into making sure I survived. Although my mum kept telling me that all I had to do was eat well and rest, I believed my doctors had told her how long I had to live. In the meantime, I wanted my own money. I started looking for jobs that paid students.
I was on the lookout for ushering jobs or gigs as a movie extra when I saw the opening for the role of a talk show host. I rehearsed my lines and anticipated the audition. On the day, however, nothing went the way I planned. I forgot my lines and stammered through the audition. I kept looking at the camera when I wasn’t supposed to. When the crew tried to correct me, I started crying. It was very embarrassing. At the end of it, a man walked up to me as I was arranging to leave. He asked if I knew who he was. I said, “No,” but I was curious about why he’d think I knew him. He didn’t explain himself, instead, he told me his name was Tobi Afolabi* and asked me to Google him. I was running late, so we exchanged numbers, but I kept thinking, “What the fuck is this one feeling like?” At home, I found out that he was a popular media personality in the north, and he was also the producer of the show I was auditioning for.
That night, he called, and we talked. I didn’t like him at first. I thought he was too old — he was 27, I was 19. I imagined that he would be boring, so I aired his texts a lot. Also, I was sick — I didn’t see the need to pursue any romantic relationship knowing it could end in pain for both parties. I had no hair and lost weight every day, so when he texted me things like, “You’re the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen,” I was sure he was lying.
When he was done with the show, he came back to town and asked to meet up. One afternoon in June, I went over to his place. He made us lunch and officially asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him I was dying and it would be unfair to date him. At some point, I started crying. He didn’t say much while I spoke. He listened and didn’t interrupt. He looked bored. I started feeling weird — how could he not be moved by my plight?
I went home late that day. My mum started yelling the minute she saw me. She was always shouting at me. I expected she would be nicer to me since I was sick but it was like she became worse. She would tell me, “It’s like you like being sick. You must enjoy the attention that it brings because you’re not even trying to fight it.”
That night Tobi called to ask if I had gotten home safely, and I started crying. I told him about my mother being mean to me and how my sister picks on me. He said nothing about it after I finished talking. He just asked if we could see the next day.
I went to his place the next day and after chilling for a while, I asked why he didn’t say anything about everything I had told him the previous day. He asked what I wanted him to say. I started crying again. He asked why I was crying, and when I told him he had hurt my feelings, he responded with, “Has crying fixed your feelings now?” He then told me that I loved to play the victim and that I think I have monopoly on grief. He said, “So what if you’re dying? At least you know it’s coming. Everyone is going to die eventually. You should take advantage of it and make each day count, instead of crying and whining all the time.”
I was too shocked to say anything to him. I carried myself home to cry. I don’t know how, but the next day, I went to see him again. I told him he hurt my feelings. He apologised, but he insisted that he wouldn’t take his words back. He said I had a rare opportunity to try everything I wanted to do before my time was up. He made me write a list of all the things I would like to do. My diet was quite strict so on my list, I wrote things like “I want to eat 20 bars of chocolate” and “I want to get drunk until I pass out”.
I was scared to travel because I didn’t want to have a seizure or blackout on the way, but Tobi made me travel with him a lot. Whenever he had a movie or wedding to shoot, he took me with him. He got used to my episodes — he could tell when one was coming even before I knew. He would talk to his doctor friend to get me new medication. If I complained of one discomfort, he would throw the drugs out and look for another one. My mum wasn’t like that — she gave me whatever the doctor gave me and didn’t care if they made me puke my brains out or lose my appetite. Tobi wanted to know everything. “Does this make your migraines better? Does your throat itch? Your tongue is a weird colour, let me have a closer look at it.” Soon he found a combination that I was fine with, then I had more energy to do things with him. We went hiking, we had picnics, we went to the cinema to see movies. Whenever someone was rude to me, he would insist I have my say. He told me it wasn’t healthy to hide my dissatisfaction. At first, it was hard for me to do that, but soon enough, when people stared at my hair for too long, I would ask if there was a problem. He made me feel like a different person — a normal, beautiful and happy person.
He introduced me to his family and they were nice to me. It was different because, in my family, we didn’t send each other like that.
He bought me things to help my moods like scented candles, chocolates and ointments. At this point, I was always wearing wigs because I was self-conscious about how I looked, so he bought me a lot of wigs, along with scarfs and hats.
He laced my drinks with painkillers. He introduced me to weed and it helped me feel better. I was in love with him, so I would have tried anything. One time in school, we were asked to read The Lion and The Jewel, but I was too weak to complete the task. It was one of my bad days. I kept throwing up and my body hurt when I moved. I was worried I was going to fail the course.
He came to my house that night with a new hard drive. I was like, “What the fuck kind of gift is this?” But when I plugged it into my system, I found that he made me an animation of The Lion and The Jewel. It’s still the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever received in my entire life. Of course, I passed the course.
The sex was the best thing ever. Before him, I was too shy to have sex completely naked. I would keep my shirt on and cover myself with a blanket, but he wasn’t having any of that. He kept emphasizing how beautiful I was. He said my dark skin was flawless, and he loved it.
Being with him made me feel powerful. I found myself trying to be like him — doing things the way he did them or talking like him. I noticed I stopped crying as often. I started going out without my wigs. One night, I returned home late and my mum started yelling at me. I told her, “Look, I have a lot of shit going on so maybe try asking what’s wrong with me and we can talk about it like adults.” As I was talking, my heart was beating. I was expecting one dirty slap, but she apologized. Our relationship improved after that. My sister stopped picking on me when she realised it wasn’t getting to me anymore — she would make a mean comment about my hair and I would laugh or agree with her. Eventually, I brought Tobi home to meet my family and everyone loved him. At this point, we had been dating for 3 years. When I graduated from university and got a job offer that required me to move. The first thing my mum said was, “How will Tobi feel about this?”
Being his girlfriend became my identity. People would send us invites to their events tagged Annabelle and Tobi. He gave me the key to his apartment. I could come over at any time and do whatever I wanted. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, so when I saw a ring in his wardrobe one day, I was overjoyed. I was so excited I called my friends and started screaming. I asked them if they knew about it, they said no. I decided to wait for him to ask me to marry him. I waited and waited but the question never came.
We would be having a nice moment and I would be expecting him to whip out the ring but it never happened. I got frustrated, but I couldn’t tell him what was wrong with me. After a while, I couldn’t find the ring in the wardrobe. I assumed he might have kept it for his friend or one of his clients. I went through his social media accounts, trying to see if any of his friends recently proposed, but I found nothing.
One day, we were arguing, about something so small I can’t remember, and he said, “It doesn’t matter — I’m marrying someone next month anyway.” I was shocked. We weren’t casually dating — we were planted deeply in each other’s lives. I would hear a joke or watch a movie and my first thought would be, “I can’t wait to tell Tobi about this.” So when he told me he was marrying someone else, I didn’t ask who, I asked how. “How did you have time to have a relationship with someone else when I’m with you all the time? Did she not see my fucking pictures everywhere? Did she not care that you’re in love with someone else?” I didn’t cry. . I just said, “Cool.” I didn’t want to play the victim, so I was supportive. He possibly expected a tantrum and when I didn’t give it to him, he didn’t know how to handle it.
I went to his house while he was at work to pack my things. When I was done, I gave the key to his security guard. When he got home and saw that my stuff was gone, he called me. I was casual like nothing happened, “Hey babe, how was your day?” I was having a mental breakdown but at least I was poised and sweet the entire time. When I saw that his wife was light-skinned, I cried. It felt like everything he said to me was a lie. I never asked him why he chose someone else or if I did anything wrong. He is married with four kids now. We still talk. He calls me now and then, but I don’t think I ever forgave him.
Gifting is a large part of relationships. Birthday, Valentine’s, relationship anniversary and other special dates are sometimes marked with gifts. But what happens when the relationship ends and your ex wants back their ‘gifts’?
For this article, I spoke to 7 Nigerians who have collected things back and who have had things gifts collected.
Enjoy.
Nonso.
I collected my basketball jersey back from my ex after we broke up. I felt she didn’t deserve to be with anything with my name on it. She could keep every other thing I got her but the jersey.
Blessing.
I was dating this guy, we were both coursemates at the time. So, I got him some things for his birthday. I think the whole package totalled about N45k. After a while, he started misbehaving. Was acting all indifferent and very cold. Long story short, he asked for a break up soon after. I said no p, but I calculated all the things I got for him and asked him to give me back my money. He did, and I used the money to spoil another guy I was eyeing at the time.
Uche.
I dated this lady for about six months. One day I got tickets to a show in Abuja, a regular ticket because that was what I could afford. She got mad and told me that I see her as a cheap girl. I told her she doesn’t appreciate what I do for her because it cost me money to get those tickets. Right there, she started comparing me to her friend’s boyfriend. At that point I had my fill; I told her that if she does not want to be with me, then she should break up rather than compare me, an entrepreneur, to someone who worked in a financial institution. She said that will be better.
I thought she was joking. Next thing, she yanked my durag off my head and removed my wristwatch. Both were gifts she got me on my birthday. A Tom Ford wristwatch that cost about N100K, and the durag that was in season because of the BBNaija trend. She said she invested a lot in those gifts and didn’t want me to have anything that belongs to her.
Tolani.
So this guy gave me a hoodie as a birthday present while we were dating. When we broke up, he called me to bring the hoodie because it was the only ash one he had. I kuku returned it.
Ayomide.
My sister had been dating this guy for like eight or nine months. Then things went south between them. Two days before they broke up, he sent her 10k. When the break-up happened, he asked her to return his money. As if that wasn’t enough, he brought back all the gifts she gave him during the relationship, including the matching wristwatch and chain, and asked her to return the gifts he got for her too.
Juliana.
I met this guy at work. I was an admin staff and he was the driver of my direct boss. He visited my house twice after work, but I never bothered to find out where he was staying; we mostly saw ourselves at work. During this period, I lost my phone. It was stolen from my office desk, so he offered to buy me a new phone and he bought the Nokia 3100. This was 2005, so it wasn’t a bad phone for that time. In the one year that we dated, I never went out with him. I guess he got tired. When things eventually ended, he collected his phone back.
Michael.
I used to give my first girlfriend part of my university allowance to save and keep for me so that I would not spend it. When we broke up, she went away with my money. In my present relationship with this babe, we invested some money together in crypto and she has the login for the wallet. It’s basically her wallet and her account. Now we’re drifting very much apart and I have no access to my investment, neither capital nor profit. If we ever break up, I’m definitely collecting my money back.
In mainstream media, when people talk about exes, they are usually referring to the worst one. In a bid to balance that, we asked 7 Nigerian women to tell us about their favourite ex.
Abigail, 34
Let’s call her M. She was everything I wanted in a partner — honest, loving, ambitious, beautiful and smart. We dated for over three years and it was the best time of my life. We loved each other deeply. We even had plans to leave Nigeria, get married and start a family. Our friends called us their couple goals.
But life happened. I lost my dad and I don’t do grief well. I shut down – mentally and emotionally. I started acting out and stopped communicating my needs to her. She tried her best to understand but I guess, at some point, it became too much for her to handle, so she broke up with me. She set the standard for everyone I dated after her. It’s been 11 years since then and no other woman has come close. Because of this, I stopped dating women and went back into the closet.
Annabelle, 27
My relationship with my ex was amazing. This guy worshipped the ground I walked on. He always bought me gifts and cooked me food. He had my pictures around his house. I met his family and he met mine. One day we were arguing and he said, “It doesn’t matter anyway, I’m getting married next month.”
Rese, 18
The last relationship I was in was my first serious relationship. It was also my ex’s first so we didn’t have enough dating experience. Everything went well until the end. I feel like I’m the reason we broke up but maybe that’s just my need to blame myself for everything. We both sucked at communication. Initially, I would tell her the things she did that annoyed me but she would do it again within two days. Towards the end, instead of talking to her about it, I would hold it in my mind and resentment started to build. It wasn’t the best decision because I snapped. I told her she was useless and ended a call we were on. We didn’t speak for seven months after that.
Nenye, 20
My ex was with someone else when we met. We were in the same university but I was a year ahead of her. Her boyfriend – at the time – had gone on IT for a semester so he wasn’t around when our thing started. We met through a mutual friend. We were always texting each other and spending time together.
One day, we were laying on my bed in school one night and she kissed me. I was shocked and when I asked her why she did it, she didn’t say anything. It didn’t matter because I was hooked. She kept telling me that she wasn’t like that and that she was dating someone else but I didn’t care — I just wanted to be with her.
The next semester her boyfriend returned and it was like I didn’t exist anymore. I kept buying her stuff and doing nice things for her to get her attention. We would go months without talking but whenever we got the chance to talk again, I would lose my sense of reasoning. This lasted for two years and then I left school. I think the main reason we lasted that long was because she was my first and I hadn’t fully come to terms with who I was at the time. She didn’t know what she wanted and eventually, I had to come to terms with that.
Emilia, 24
It was a tumultuous relationship yet I didn’t see myself leaving. I tend to be closer to people I can learn from. To me, he was this person that had so much to teach me but that’s where the problem came from. I idolized him as a beacon of knowledge. Once you cross that line where you can’t differentiate between where their knowledge ends and where the gaslighting starts, it becomes difficult to see things for what they are.
It took me a long time to realize that this person whom I’ve surrendered myself to — as a student and a lover — was different from who I thought he was. The gaslighting made me feel crazy. He made me feel like I was nothing without him so it was harder to leave than it was to stay.
He broke up with me after a while but I refused to let go. There were a lot of back and forth conversations before the end in 2018. Left to me, I’d still be in that relationship. Yet somehow, it has been my best so far because it opened my eyes to a lot of things I wouldn’t have known without him.
Olamide, 24
Tunde* and I met on Obafemi Awolowo University campus. He was a foreign Master’s student from Liberia while I was a final year student. That period was the best time of my life. Sex with him was amazing. He introduced me to my body and taught me what sexual pleasure should feel like. He was good to me and particular about satisfying me.
He told me about his large family — he has about 30 siblings. His father had many wives and he is the first child of his mother. His father is dead so his elder siblings controlled the family’s members activities. He always told me they might not like the idea of him marrying a foreigner, but he will try his best to convince them. I loved him and he was everything I wanted in a husband so I was quite hopeful.
After his Master’s programme, he went back home and discussed it with his family. They refused so we broke up. He got married a year later to a woman his family arranged for him. We still talk once in a while but I don’t initiate it because I respect his marriage. He also sends me money randomly.
R, 25
I was in a non-exclusive relationship with this woman that lasted a year. It was absolutely beautiful. It was unique and it fulfilled me in many ways. Before her, I was used to being the sole giver in my relationships. I’d love you, cater for you, be your mum, your friend, your sister, everything and leave no room for you to be there for me but for the first time, someone wanted to give me love. One of her love languages was acts of service so she did a lot of things for me.
She understood mental health and made it easy to talk about the things that affected me. She was also kind to strangers. When I wanted to start a business and I was anxious about it, she got me some of the things I needed and constantly reminded me that I could do it.
It ended because I wanted a more defined relationship and she wasn’t ready for it. We talked about it and decided that we had to break up. Even though there were no fights, it still hurt like a motherfucker and it took me the longest time to get over. Till now, I am not sure I am over her but I’m grateful for time and progress. She’s still a part of my support system. We’re even better friends now than we were in a relationship.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We’re No Longer Together, But We’re Life Partners
Mezie*, 32, and Oge*, 31, went from friends to lovers to friends who occasionally have sex. For today’s Love Life, they talk about being life partners even though they know they can never get back together.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Mezie: It was at the national finals of a university competition. I was waiting to take the elevator in the hotel lobby, and when the doors opened, I saw her with her teammates. I noticed her because of her striking striped pants.
Oge: This was in 2009. I was repping my school, and he was repping his. A couple of us were going to get drinks at the end of the first day, and we somehow ended up in his room. According to him, I jumped on his bed and said, “Hi! How are you?”
I don’t remember doing that, but I don’t have an earlier memory, so let’s go with that.
What were your first impressions?
Oge: I can’t say he formed an impression that stuck at the competition, but we got to be Facebook friends after, and we just did not stop chatting. He is so intelligent, so we talked about everything, from philosophy to Igbo culture.
Mezie: Wow. Oge, so you’re saying when my team was beating yours, you weren’t looking at me? This was even before you came to my room. You were literally cutting me eye. Anyway, let’s leave that story.
For my first impression, I thought she was a bit too much. She was fun and bubbly, but it felt like she was trying to be the centre of attention. Then there was this other guy she was all over.
Oge: What? I wasn’t cutting you eyes, I was cutting eyes at the other Mezie — the one that looks like you. Then when I was looking for him on Facebook, I friended you instead. By the time I realised it was the wrong Mezie, we were already cool.
Mezie: Wow. This is the first time I’m hearing this. This interview is already bringing out the truth.
LMAO. Oops. So, when were feelings caught?
Oge: Somewhere in the middle of our Facebook conversations. I think people knew that we liked each other before we admitted it to ourselves. I was always commenting on his page, and he’d do the same.
Mezie: She used to comment on everything I did on Facebook, and that’s how I figured she liked me. I already knew that I liked her, but I didn’t know how to handle romantic situations at the time.
Oge: He still doesn’t.
Mezie: Ouch.
Who admitted to having feelings first?
Oge: He is going to say it’s him, but it’s a lie. It was around 2011. He moved to the north for NYSC, and I went to visit him. We made out a lot when I got there. As far as I’m concerned, that was me going, “Yo! I’m willing to risk my life just to see you.”
After that, he sent me an email that went, “I love you, and I hope it terrifies you as much as it terrifies me.”
Okay, poet.
Mezie: Wait! I sent that email or you sent that email? I’m actually confused now. Anyway, when she made that trip to see me, that’s when I knew she was a real one. I was sure I wanted us to be part of each other’s lives in a more concrete way.
That’s sweet and all, but who sent that email, abeg?
Oge: He sent it oh! Then he gave me the silent treatment until I called him.
Mezie: I’ll accept.
Oge: Which one is “I’ll accept”? Don’t make me pull out screenshots.
Mezie: LMAO. Fine. It’s true. I remember now. I actually thought I had the most amazing lines that year.
LMAO. So, what happened after the grand proclamation?
Mezie: As she said, she didn’t reply to it for a while, so I decided to lean back.
Oge: Love is a word that typically makes me run in the opposite direction, so I needed a few days to process it. Then I called him, and after explaining how the email had freaked me out, I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said yes.
Nice. So, how was it after things became official?
Mezie: It was great and exciting. We were already friends, and there was all that build-up to the actual relationship. So, when it started, I couldn’t get enough of talking to her. I was also hoping for time to get to see her and spend time with her.
Oge: Yeah. It was a long-distance relationship — he was in Abuja, and I was in Lagos. There were a lot of calls. It wasn’t a drastic shift from what our friendship was like. I was just happy to finally be dating someone I’d liked for so long.
Did the distance affect the relationship?
Oge: Short answer: Yes. At that point, I hadn’t started having sex, but physical touch is very important to me, and I hated that I couldn’t make out with him. Then we both started getting busier with work and would be too tired to talk after.
It wasn’t the main reason we broke up, but it played a part.
Mezie: It definitely played a part, but it’s actually when I moved to Lagos in 2013 that the relationship went to shit.
What? How?
Oge: The expectation on my end, probably unspoken at the time, was that if he was moving to Lagos, we would finally spend more time together. Then he moved, but it still felt like he was in Abuja. I wouldn’t see him for weeks.
To be fair, he lived pretty far from me and didn’t have a car, but it was still so frustrating that we now lived in the same city and I barely got to see him. Then whenever we did make plans, he would either be late or traffic would be hell.
I can never forget our last Valentine’s Day together. We made dinner plans, but even though I’d been in Lagos for a while, I didn’t know about the legendary Valentine’s Day traffic. By the time we got there, we were both pissed as fuck — me more than him.
Damn. So, who ended things?
Oge: I did. I messaged him and said it wasn’t working for me anymore.
Mezie: At the time, I felt like work was the immediate priority. No, that sounds wrong. I didn’t know how to show her that she was also a priority. I mean, we were both broke, so it was just a struggle.
We had some good moments in Lagos, but I guess that Valentine’s Day was the straw that broke the camel’s back for her. It only went downhill from there. Then there were some niggas circling at her workplace, and I think she got distracted by the attention.
I honestly didn’t expect her to end things. I mean, the day we became official was the pin code to my ATM card. I just couldn’t fathom that someone I had integrated into my life so deeply, granted the quality of the relationship had dropped, would just leave.
Oge: It was other things too. Like you being such a good catholic boy and getting angry with me for not going to church. Or the fact that you wanted to get married and have kids, but I didn’t.
Mezie: I actually had the hope that you would eventually see the light on some of the fundamental things we disagreed on.
Not to take you guys back, but Oge, what did Mezie mean when he said you got “distracted by the attention”?
Oge: Right. We’ve never actually addressed the office guy. After Mezie, I ended up dating someone from the office. Yes, he had been circling, and I had started liking him while I was still with Mezie. He was just right there, giving me attention.
I started dating him about a week after I broke up with Mezie.
Mezie: Women are scum. So that time I came to your office to surprise you, and you were going crazy, my competition was right there. Wow.
Oge: LMAO. You’re not serious.
What was your relationship like after the breakup?
Oge: I blanked him for a while, but he didn’t let it stick. He eventually reached out, and we’ve been friends ever since. We also started having sex with each other.
Mezie: Her philosophy is to cut people off, and she tried to do that with me, but I knew she was missing me. I knew I still liked her, and we were still running in the same circles, so immediately I got the chance, I reached out.
This was about a year after we’d broken up. She was still in a relationship with Office Guy.
Wait. Oge, were you still with Office Guy when you and Mezie started having sex?
Mezie: Oge?
Oge: Why are you calling my name?
Mezie: Daniel is asking you a question now.
Oge: LMAO. Yeah, I was still with him. A friend of Mezie and I was getting married in Ibadan, and we went together. The plan was to get separate rooms, but we went clubbing that night. I got really drunk, so he slept on the floor to look after me.
When I woke up the next morning, well, you know how it goes.
Did it happen more than once?
Oge: The next time was after that relationship, I think. That’s how I’m choosing to remember it.
LMAO. Whatever you say.
Oge: Now, we’re both single, so no issues there. Once in a while, we hookup. I could go to his house and just chill, but sometimes, I show up and we both know we’re going for a sex date.
Mezie: For me, sex is just sort of in the background of our current thing.
How would you define your current thing?
Oge: He is my friend. He’s seen me grow up, and I’ve seen him go from a good catholic boy to the hedonist he is now. I’ve even called him my life partner because I think we’ll always be a significant part of each other’s lives.
Mezie: I’ve been in other relationships that didn’t work out, but Oge’s always been a constant. Around 2016, I actually considered shooting my shot again, but that’s when it became clear that we have too many fundamental differences to ever work.
Since then, I’ve decided to focus on our friendship. As she said, we are life partners, just without the romance.
So, you guys really don’t think you’ll ever try romance again?
Oge: Nah. Never. The reasons we broke up are still very much present. He’s grown a lot, but deep down, he’s still a very traditional Igbo man. I think at the base of it, we’re just too different, and if we try to go there again, we’ll ruin what we have.
Mezie: LMAO. I’ve written that option off.
Do you still have feelings for each other though?
Oge: Ah.It comes in waves. There are times I think, “Maybe we should give this one more shot because we are such good friends”, but then I remember why that’s a bad idea. Knowing it’s a bad idea, however, doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally consider it.
Mezie: Me, I will not lie, I’m still very attracted to her. Does that count as feelings? I think the love I feel is just an appreciation of her presence in my life.
Beyond that, it’s her booty and her face and her eyes. I really like your eyes, Oge.
Oge: Aww. Thank you. I love you, b.
Mezie: Love you too.
Considering sex is involved, how does this dynamic work when you’re seeing other people?
Oge: Ah. You’ll face your relationship oh. Whenever one of us is dating, we remove sex from the equation and just focus on being friends. It’s never been an issue. We even give each other advice when necessary.
Mezie: Yeah. I mean, most of my relationships have been short-lived — I’ve actually been in more situationships — but I don’t think any of the women I’ve dated seriously has been threatened by her presence.
What’s your favourite thing about each other?
Mezie: Her personality. Her laugh. She is very carefree in a good way. She is also very open-minded, and I think that might be my favourite thing about her. It makes her the best person to turn to for advice.
Oge: Ugh. I was going to say your laugh, now I have to change it.
Mezie: Better say it.
Oge: LMAO. His laugh is like a chortle, and then his tummy starts going up and down. It’s so funny. He is also able to calm me down a lot of the time. I especially love that I can be 100% myself around him.
How would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?
Oge: 8.5. 10 is for God.
Mezie: 8. Had everything except alignment of world views.
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Breakups are hard. They are even harder when they don’t end on your terms, leaving you teeming with dozens of unanswered questions. Weeks, months and years have passed since these 8 women went through their most painful breakups.
Even though they’ve mostly moved on, they still have unanswered questions that haunt them. And I tried to give them some answers.
How was I the problem?
He didn’t go the usual ‘it’s not you, it’s me route’. He said it was me, that I was the reason he was ending thing. But he never said what it was about me that led to the breakup. Just gave me a vague “There’s just something about you, I can’t place my finger on it, but I can’t deal anymore.” I’m in another very happy relationship now, but sometimes I think, “What about me was the problem?”
Seyi, 25
This one is easy. He was the problem.
What does overexposed mean?
We dated for a little over a year. He just woke up one morning and said that I was overexposed. He mentioned a couple of other things. Like how I wasn’t traditional enough and didn’t respect the age difference between us (3 years). My only regret is the whole year I wasted with him, but I still wonder what the hell overexposed really means.
Nneka, 27
It means he was looking for the kind of girlfriend that will call him sir and help him wear his socks in the morning.
You had wife abi?
He just ghosted. We had been dating for a couple of weeks. The next thing I knew, he had blocked my number. It was like film. I wasn’t even that emotionally invested, but it pained me ehn. It has been like a year, and I still haven’t heard from him. If I see him now, I’ll ask, “Oga you had wife abi?”
Seun, 24
He probably did.
Have you met your goals now?
He said he wanted to focus on himself and I was distracting him from achieving his true potential. I’ve gotten promoted twice since we broke up and I know he’s still at the same position at the same job. I just want to ask if he’s achieving the goals he wanted to achieve.
Halima, 28
Eish!
Why?
Just “Why?” We were good, or at least I thought we were good. So I was completely blindsided when he said he was unhappy. Maybe I was too self-absorbed to notice that he was unhappy, but I don’t think so. It still hurts. A lot.
Onyinyechi, 27
It gets better. It really does.
Why don’t you have sense?
And that’s for everyone I’ve ever dated. It’s like I’m cursed or something because I’ve only ever dated people who don’t have sense. I caught the last one cheating, and it didn’t even surprise me because he had been moving mad from the beginning of the relationship.
Adedoyin, 25
We all wish we knew the answer to this one sis.
How do you fall out of love?
He said he just didn’t love me anymore. Which was a little inconvenient because, well, I still loved him. I know people fall out of love, I’m not ten years old. But how?
Sonia,23
🙁
What exactly did you tell her?
My ex left me for my best friend. Cliche I know. But I had dated him for like two months, and I was best friends with her for seven years. I’m not even concerned with what his reasons were. I just want to know what exactly he could have told her to make her free a seven-year friendship.
Depending on the kind of person you are, your relationship with your exes could be great or really toxic. This quiz will tell you how your exes feel about you. Do they think you’re the one that got away or the worst mistake they’ve ever made?
And even if their significant other gives them the world, they’ll still chook their wandering eyes outside to cheat.
Then they’ll come back to tell you, “It’s in my DNA, I can’t help it”.
Even if you catch them in the act, they’ll be like, “Baby, she’s my cousin’s nephew’s relation and we’re practicing acrobatic yoga”.
This African American chic, Kourtney confronted her cheating ex, Leonard- who is basically the biggest demon we’ve ever seen- to ask why he cheated on her.
And he kuku didn’t give any solid reason- just every unfaithful person.
Kourtney, when Leonard said he cheated uncountable times.
This was his face, all through the time she shed so much tears.
Just watch the video and catch the full amebo abeg.
Meanwhile, some chief officers of ‘Men are scum’ Twitter are already protesting this injustice.
Look at how he tried to flip it on her. The maddest thing is you can see it in his eyes he's not sorry https://t.co/R8ZUaZfgII
The Vice-President of the movement believes men can’t make heaven.
Men really think they can keep doing this to women and continue getting away with it. There will be no men in Heaven. Mark my words. https://t.co/I90BLtDAaC
