Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “Brother Chijioke’s 150 Years In The Kingdom of Darkness.”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The author is a 17-year-old boy named Chijioke Onughu. Back in 2016, Chijioke decided to face off with Hannah from 13 Reasons Why to see who could make the most fire mixtapes by recording a long as hell confession about how he served as Lucifer’s right-hand man in hell for 150 years and spent all that time destroying churches. When asked why he was only physically 17 years old, he said it’s because he existed in the kingdom of darkness as a fallen angel before deciding to be born as a human.

Chijioke goes on to contradict his own origin story later on by saying that his mother actually caused his connection to the kingdom by dedicating him to their village goddess when he was still a foetus.

WHICH IS IT?!

MOVING UP THE CORPORATE LADDER OF DARKNESS

Chijioke says his village goddess helped him become super influential in the spirit world. He served her until he graduated to another dark kingdom named the Bama Kingdom. (Like the mayonnaise brand??) In Bama, he was noticed by Lucifer himself for being such a hard worker and got promoted to the highest rank in the spiritual realm (level 888). With this promotion came the power to control local and international demons. He also claims that Lucifer gave him the personal nickname, Hindus and Qeendus.

THE DAMAGE HE DID AS LUCIFER’S RIGHT-HAND MAN

According to Bro Chijioke, level 888’s raison d’être is to destroy Bible-believing churches around the world. And the way Chijioke describes this brings to mind scenes of worshippers doing their thing peacefully only for him and his fellow level 888 agents to burst out of the ground, earth-bender style, wrecking buildings and burying people beneath the rubble.

I was mad disappointed to find out that their job was nowhere near as cool as this. All they did was infiltrate churches and slowly introduce them to sin. However, the one church they had major problems infiltrating was the one that makes all its members dress like a flash mob that’s always ready to break into a choreographed dance number featuring traffic-controlling-style moves.

The Lord’s Chosen.

After multiple failed attempts to sneak into an Imo state branch and wreak havoc, he managed to get the attention of the head pastor of The Lord’s Chosen, Imo State. The day before he was supposed to meet the pastor, Chijioke claimed to have done this:

I can’t be the only one that expected to see The Black Lagoon.

During Chijioke’s showdown with the Imo state Lord’s Chosen pastor, his newly acquired powers failed him. All the demons he called on for help couldn’t come close due to a holy force field or some shit. It was at this moment – alone and abandoned behind enemy lines – that Chijioke decided to confess and be delivered.

EVERYTHING HE SNITCHED ABOUT

I’mma put the rest of this tea into bullet points because shit is hot…and a lot:

• The kingdom of darkness has a sweatshop (I can only assume is full of hell minorities) that makes demonic clothes and accessories.

• If you wore anything called Azonto shoes in 2015, you’re going to hell because it was a product of the kingdom of darkness’ sweatshop.

• Lazarus Muoka is the most powerful person on the planet. To the kingdom of darkness, he’s like the human version of One-Punch Man. Which is funny because they both look alike.

• There is a realm called Second Heaven that’s full of muscular demons. It’s led by the Queen of Heaven who, judging by this one image of her, looks like an anime fairy in a cheap princess dress. According to Bro Chikioke, she always flies around with her coffin and once tried to strike Lazarus Muoka with paralysis. It backfired and she ran.

• Hair attachment, wool, thread etc are tiny snake demons named serpentine by a demon named Utachiginle. Any woman who uses these things on her head is in the FINAL and INTERNATIONAL stage of bondage.

• If you think the men were spared, think again! Hell’s sweatshop made jeans and chinos trousers for men tagged X-FASHION and OXFORD. Wearing these brands means you’ve sold your soul to the BERMUDA TRIANGLE who is also THE DEVIL HIMSELF. (I swear this guy is just pulling stuff out of his ass now.)

• Timberland boots are highly demonic because making one pair requires the sacrifice of SEVEN FUCKING BABIES. One from each continent. I wish I was making this up.

• The sweatshop makes these specific type of high-heeled shoes. When worn by any woman, she ignorantly climbs on top of fornication.

• The phone, Y2 (brand: unspecified), took 36 human lives to make for some reason. Apparently, this phone is online that if you try hard enough, you can chat with the Queen of Heaven herself. Happened to some guy in 2016 according to this fucking book.

The book ends with the most horrifying warning of all. Bro Chijioke apologizes for the millions of lives he destroyed when he was part of discount MI6 from hell. He then says this:

Well, what brand??

WHAT BRAND IS IT, CHIJIOKE?!

Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled “The Historical Origin and Danger of Women’s Trousers”. I shit you not, the image below is the book’s cover.

Is that you, Bovi?

The book starts with a history lesson. The author says that before the invasion of Africa by the colonial masters, the only thing Nigerian women wore were wrappers, either tied around their waists or chests. But after Henry Townsend brought Christianity to Nigeria, with it came the perverse western woman’s dress code, started by a white woman named Elizabeth Smith Miller. This perverse dress code the author speaks of is the wearing of trousers.

According to the Elizabeth Smith Miller story at the New York public library, Elizabeth was working in her garden on a hot day in 1851, when she almost passed out because of heat exhaustion (probably brought on by the fact that she was dressed in a tight corset and long flowing gown). Right then, it occurred to her how fucked up society’s dress code for women was, and she decided to start a Dress Reform for comfort. She designed an outfit for women that involved ankle-length trousers and a skirt that was a few inches below the knee.

Elizabeth Smith Miller

Elizabeth did all she could to make her design catch on with women but this was the 19th century and people were hella mean. So after a while, she went back to wearing the woman’s fashion of the day. However, a few years after Elizabeth abandoned her design, it was gradually brought back into style (and the mind of the general public by proxy) by no other than the great mother of harlots herself: THE QUEEN OF THE COAST!

You see, according to the author, God never intended for women to wear trousers. But the queen of the coast foresaw the great havoc that would come from the sight of a woman’s backside swaying in pair of pantaloons. So, like a supernatural Anna Wintour, she began pushing for women in trousers to make a comeback.

The image above depicts the queen of the coast giving her minions (literal slay kings and queens) their orders. It is the cover of another book titled “The Assignment Of The Queen Of Coast Against Christians“. That’ll be a recap for another day.

If you’re wondering what great havoc comes from women wearing trousers, the author divides it into two points:

• It abuses God’s creative design and his standard way of differentiating his creations: In this, the author uses Deuteronomy 22:5 – The women shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman garment for all that do so are abominable unto the LORD thy GOD – to explain how God gave that rule because different clothing was his ONLY of telling the sexes apart.

Oh yeah. According to the author, God is going to be furious with you if you wear clothes meant for the other sex because that translates to you trying to confuse him.

• It leads to seduction: This is the queen of the coast’s main concern. According to the author, men’s inability to control their thoughts after seeing a woman’ bakassi in trousers will inevitably lead them to sin. There’s an entire paragraph that completely puts the blame on women for the sexually immoral thoughts and actions of men.

Then there’s this paragraph you absolutely have to read yourself, so your heads can spin as mine did.

I’m pretty sure there’s a sexual fetish somewhere in there but I refuse to be the one to go searching for it. The book ends with a warning for women all over the world who own/wear trousers:

“BURN ALL OF THEM TODAY AND DON’T GIVE THEM OUT! Repent from this horrible act and ask God for his forgiveness. Failure to abide by this teaching will definitely amount to ETERNAL DAMNATION IN HELL!”

23rd of September 2019 was the day I saw it for the first time. The book, –written by a woman who claims to have served Satan in the kingdom of darkness for 990 years – about how football is a demonic game.

I saw it in a tweet by Twitter user @alexlobaloba.

My new neighbor seems not to like me, but I greet them anyways.

In bid to be a little friendly, I asked their 2 sons yesterday the football club they supports. They smiled, shook their heads & pelted upstairs.

Got home this evening, Dad & Mum knocked & gave me this 👇 book. pic.twitter.com/nPTPjn68LY

— Alex Oluwatobi (@alexlobaloba) September 23, 2019

After laughing for 10 minutes straight at the thought of a human interning with the devil for almost a millennium only to leave and attempt to secure a major bag by writing a tell-all book, I went looking for the book and found it.

Because I’m a cat whose throat curiosity is going to violently slit one day, I went a-reading and let me tell you, with all the knowledge I currently possess, I feel like Indiana Jones must’ve felt after finding concrete proof of the supernatural. Except that in my case, the knowledge I found is clearly made up bullshit.

Let’s get into it.

The author’s bio describes Fumilayo Adebayo as a seasoned evangelist and gifted writer with an uncommon passion for soul-winning. Which is exactly how Pennywise (the demon clown from the movie IT) would be described if he ever took a break from eating children to write a book.

The book’s synopsis vaguely talks about how Satan hates mankind SO MUCH he invented football as a way to destroy us.

THE PREFACE

Using bible verses, she tells us that we have to believe everything she says unless we’ll die a terrible death and go to hell. Encountering thinly-veiled threats so early in the book shook me but I carried on because I like trash.

CHAPTER 1: A Worldy Concept

She talks about how God is currently concerned about the few remaining people on Earth who are loyal. She says this immediately after saying this:

She says that Satan creates cool gadgets (smartphones) to make Earth more attractive and comfortable for mankind so we’ll forget about God. She also says humanity has a choice to make: To set your affection for heavenly things and make heaven at last, or to set your affection on earthly things (football) and perish with the world.

CHAPTER 2: The Satanic Agenda

She starts by saying football was invented by the antichrist with the intent to destroy man, and that engaging with football in any way, registers you as a member of the antichrist’s kingdom. She then goes on to explain who the antichrist is and all the terrible stuff that’s going to happen when he shows up. Basically, she just copies and pastes a lot of passages from the book of Revelations.

CHAPTER 3: Origin Of Football

It’s in this chapter that she starts telling us what we really want to hear. She says we can believe everything she’s saying because she spent 990 years gaining work experience in the underworld. She then explains how she earned a seat on the Executive Member Council of the Kingdom of Darkness (the controlling arm of hell) with just her intelligence, dedication, and competence.

The wildest thing she reveals in this chapter is that the antichrist’s top representative is a SOUTH KOREAN REVEREND (which, in my opinion, is just hella racist) who stood in for the antichrist at all the executive council meetings she attended.

I would like to take a break here to show you a popup ad that attacked me the entire time I was on the site.

CHAPTER 4: The God of Football

According to Evang Fumilayo Adebayo, the deity depicted in the image below is the satanic spirit known as the god of soccer.

She claims that he’s super popular in Brazil and has a temple there where he’s worshipped. Here’s what I found when I googled “god of soccer”:

She also says this:

The last paragraph of the chapter made my head spin.

CHAPTER 5: Football is Idolatry

” Any personality, concept you give the honour and affection you are supposed to give to God is your idol. The game of football is idolatry because it takes the place of God in the heart of men.” – Evang Fumilayo Adebayo.

She also accuses 69% of the Swedish female football team of being Lesbians who engage in orgies with each other whenever they convene. I don’t know where she got her stats from but the fact that she landed on the number 69 made me LMFAO.

CHAPTER 6: Sorcery in Football

She claims that players engage in sorcery and animal sacrifices in order to improve their skills and become stars. According to her, ALL football players will end up in hell along with their supporters (because they’re supporting sorcery by proxy). She proceeds to make a ton of bogus claims like how the Cameroonian footballer, Marc-Vivien Foé, who died during a match, is in hell because his skills were given to him by the Queen of the Coast and he didn’t honour his end of the deal by sacrificing his mother.

Here’s some other stuff she claims she saw:

CHAPTER 7: Homosexuality In Soccer

She once again makes the claim that MOST male and female footballers are gay, using an image of two male footballers kissing on the field as proof.

That’s the chapter.

CHAPTER 8: Promoting Football

In this chapter, she rants about how if you have literally ANYTHING to do football (play, promote, sponsor, do business with, buy merch), you’re being fed with curses daily by the evil god of soccer.

That’s the chapter.

CHAPTER 9: Consequences Of Involvement In Football

According to her, the consequences of so much as looking at a football are enmity with God, Initiation into the antichrist’s kingdom, being possessed by the beast, and becoming an agent of destruction.

That’s the chapter.

This is where I stopped reading and came to the realization that this entire “book” could’ve been a one-paged pamphlet. She repeats herself so many times that I had to make sure I wasn’t trapped in a Groundhog Day situation.

CHAPTER 10: The Remedy

Ready to repent from the sin of…football and remove your name from the book of death? In the last chapter of the batshit book, Evang Fumilayo Adebayo says to follow these steps:

• Repent
• Destroy images of the beast (i.e. that cool, expensive Nigerian jersey you bought during last year’s world cup and the giant poster of Messi you have hanging above your bed).
• Preach against football EVERYWHERE YOU GO so as to rectify the damage caused by all your years of supporting the evil game.
• Maintain this new life of constant holiness by being prayerful. Lest the devil return for your soul.

Then like an aspiring rapper on Twitter who somehow managed to make a viral tweet, she ends the book with a not-so-subtle ad for her FIVE CD series titled 990 Years Experience in the Kingdom of Darkness: A must-listen for every believer and unbeliever. So…everyone.

Here’s a list of questions this book left me with:

• If she served for 990 years and is just 49 years old in human years (I saw a souvenir she made for her 47th birthday celebration in 2017), how does time work in hell?
• Did she lie about being a gifted writer or does she really not know how terrible her writing is?
• Why is the antichrist fine with being inaugurated as the world president during the world cup final? Why can’t he just have a special occasion?
• Does she really expect us to believe that she served on the executive council of hell and was privy to super-secret evil info but they just let her LEAVE AND WRITE A BOOK ABOUT EVERYTHING?
• Why did the council act surprised when the antichrist insisted that the world must become one before he becomes the supreme ruler? Everyone knows this. It’s in Revelations.
• IS SHE FUCKING SERIOUS OR IS THIS AN ELABORATE PRANK?

That’s it. I’m done.