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You need someone to bring along who’ll remind you about all the stress you ran away from. That way, you won’t be eager to come back. You’re here for soft life only.
Clear your schedule
If you check your schedule well, it’s screaming stress. Drop some things off so you can see clearly and plan a proper getaway.
Quit your job
If your schedule can’t be cleared, your employer is most likely to blame. You need to call and tell them, “E go be”. Kill your employment before it kills you.
Go on Instagram one last time
If you need motivation for your getaway, go on social media and see how everyone on your timeline is travelling and living their best life. That should give you enough morale to take yours seriously.
Then get off social media
Now that you’re motivated, get off social media and face the getaway squarely. Your weekend is about to be soft. Don’t let Twitter gist ruin it for you.
Find a hotel to stay
You need a soft place to stay. Somewhere that makes it easy for you to forget everything you’re running away from. And we hear Aura by Transcorp Hotels is the right platform for this. The upgraded bookings platform makes it easy for you to book hotels, homes and experiences, and soon make flexible payments.
Book a flight
You can’t start the special weekend caught up in traffic. It’s off-brand for the kind of softness you need. Book a flight instead so you can move from comfort to even more comfort.
If you’re a Gen Z, premium enjoyment is most likely your first, second, and third priority. Apart from that, nothing else really concerns you. So, here’s everything you need to truly settle into that soft life.
First, you need to have zero tolerance for stress
If you think you can still manage with a little inconvenience here or there, then you’re not ready yet. You’re still catching feelings for the struggle life. But if you don’t like a single bit of stress, then here’s what you need to do.
Have money
You can’t be saying no to stress without having plenty of money to speak for you. If you want to taste the soft life while broke, you will see pepper.
Or have rich parents
Your life will be even easier if your parents are wealthy. But you still need to have your own money because they might not approve of the extent of your enjoyment.
Have a second passport
You need to stay guided with your second passport, preferably from a country that uses +44 or +91. Because Nigeria will stress you so much, you’ll need to take trips to cool your head off.
Have constant light
“Up NEPA” cannot be your portion if you’re planning to enjoy yourself as a Gen Z. If you don’t have light for at least 20 hours a day, how exactly is your life soft?
Your drip needs to scream “luxury”
You need to make a statement with your dress. You can’t be planning for enjoyment and wearing clothes that’ll make your estate security stop you at the gate . Your wardrobe needs to fall in line with your plans.
Make sure to add a pair of crocs
You can trust me because I’m Gen Z. This is the maggi that brings together the school uniform for Gen Zs that are enjoying the soft life. Will you start wearing it everywhere you go and look like a homeless person sometimes? Yes. Will it be worth it? Also yes.
Try out new restaurants every weekend
A bit of ambience and variety are what you’re going for here. You can sample a Chinese restaurant this week and visit a roadside buka the next weekend, just to confuse your enemies.
Make your Instagram lit
Document the life of leisure that you’re living with full doses of inspirational captions: Iskelebetiolebebebee — nobody knows what it means, but it gets the people going.
The intensity of your enjoyment needs to be felt everywhere please, both offline and online.
Have fast internet
We don’t need to say much about this one. You know half of your life is going to be on the internet, so don’t make the mistake of having a slow internet connection because your life will be hard for no reason. Pick a good service provider and save yourself any stress.
Use Paga to handle your money
You need to use Paga because you’re not a maga, and you can’t have your money giving you an attitude when you’re trying to spend it. If fast payments, better cards experience and total freedom with your money sound good to you, then you definitely want to use it to handle your money. Start your journey here.
You don’t have baller money to flaunt, but you’re tired of the mechanic life, these tips will help you live your dream while staying within your budget.
It’s all in the mind
Yes, we’re starting with a motivational speech. First of all, if you can dream it, you can achieve it. Look in the mirror, place your hand on your chest, and say out loud: “I am a baller!”
Make your budget
Who’re you kidding? You’re obviously not a baller yet but you’ve just passed stage one. Next, you need to draft out a budget so your baller lifestyle doesn’t carry you where you don’t know. These things cost money, you know.
Dress the part
This is where you’ll need to get creative. Put on a choirmaster’s suit and combine it with the shoes you only reserve for the special Singles Connect service in church. Your drip may not be 100% but you’ll please God as you ball.
Go to nice restauants…
…And buy the cheapest thing on the menu.. You’re working with a budget, remember? Don’t go and bite more than you can chew o. You’ll wash plates.
It’s all about perception. Deep down, you know you’re a mechanic. But the rest of the world can’t know that. You need to take awesome pictures for the internet so everyone buys into your baller narrative.
Hang around rich people
You might actually increase your chances of becoming a proper baller by hanging around rich people. But if you don’t, at least you’ll look the part when you take those lit pictures for October dump.
Don’t lose focus
The last thing you need is to be distracted. You don’t want to lose focus and start spending beyond your budget to maintain your baller status. If inflation starts making it too expensive, go back to being a mechanic.
So, this article is just evidence of me doing the Lord’s work. You’re welcome.
Soft life originated in Nigeria
It’s not my business if you disagree. Nigerian pidgin speakers have used “soft” to describe enjoyment since they started crawling, and the “soft life” term gained popularity among the Nigerian influencer community in recent years.
It means enjoyment
Soft life is slang for living a life of comfort and zero stress — one where sapa and village people don’t exist.
It isn’t just about having money
Especially if said money only comes after spending the whole day Lagosing. Did you read the part where I said “zero stress”?
Soft life is the Nigerian dream
In a country that’ll always find different ways to stress you, soft life is the dream. We all want it so much, Lady Donli had to release a whole song about it.
Even though Nigeria is carrying all of us to where we don’t know, some people are enjoying their lives and having none of it. If you can relate to the things on this quiz, the soft life is for you.
Questions
This is a question
How many of these can you relate to?
You got #{score}/#{total}
Do not worry the soft life is still for you 😊. Perseverance is key! Head over to Anoela Cards and check out their Soft Life Collection here on their website.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You have started cosplaying the soft life, keep going! Affirmations never hurt anyone sha. So always remind yourself of the soft life with cards from Anoela Cards. Check out their Soft Life Collection here on their website.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You were clearly called to the soft life itself! Now head over to Anoela Cards and check out their Soft Life Collection here for ballers like you.
You got #{score}/#{total}
Your life is just too soft. you have soft life on speed dial at this point. Now head over to Anoela Cards and check out their Soft Life Collection here for ballers like you.
Men behave like women are the most complicated set of people globally. Meanwhile, all women want to do is enjoy their baby girl lives.
Here’s a list of entirely normal things women do that men think are weird:
Take a bath together.
Nothing strange going on here, just two women taking a bath.
Please, I ask, what is wrong with bathing with your fellow woman? What is in the body that we have not seen before? Some men would rather eat jeans than bathe with their fellow men.
Saying they are not hungry but beg for their partner’s food.
There’s love in sharing. Eating your partner’s food is a way to show how much you love them. If the food is poisoned, you’ll both die together and continue the love in the afterlife. Alexa, please play the greatest love of all by Whitney Houston.
Planning parties out of the blues.
Life is hard abeg. Women are not doing too much, just a little party with good music, friends, good food, and alcohol. It’s not women’s fault that all men do to unwind is sit in bars and take overpriced shots.
Take possession of their partner’s clothes.
This is another love language if we are keeping it a buck. We need those clothes to keep us warm and closer to our partners when they are not physically available.
Expecting their partners to read their minds
It’s 2021, and men still don’t know that relationships come with psychic abilities. It’s normal for a woman to expect you to read her mind. You don’t have to ask her what she wants. Read her mind and act accordingly.
Enjoy crime dramas and documentaries.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know how the minds of criminals work. We might be jotting down one or two key points, but it’s nothing too serious.
Remember events with precision.
We don’t know what men have on their minds that they do not remember small details like when, where, how, with whom, and the temperature of the day an event happened. Women remember everything- it’s not our fault that the creator made us that way.
The only thing we are allowed to forget is the sin of a man we are about to forgive.
Take up more space on the bed.
Men like to exaggerate and act like the whole bed was taken over. Meanwhile, it was just a little extra space. You men need to realise women need their space to dream big, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Every year in your life should be dedicated to chopping life. You should make enjoyment your number one priority in life. Your 20s set the tone for how much of an enjoyment minister you want to be and that’s why we’ve written this chop life guide for you.
1. Date multiple people.
Please o, when we say date multiple people, we don’t mean many people living in Lagos or Abuja or you’ll cry hot tears. Date multiple people outside of Lagos and Abuja; experiment with dating, enjoy their company, get to know each other and go on dates.
2. Put a sticker over your bed that says (jaiye ori mi).
Putting the sticker over your bed serves as a reminder to enjoy your life till you drop. When Davido said, “Wake up and jumpstart,” he was talking about you. Arise from thy bed and choose enjoyment.
3. Have a reminder on your phone for enjoyment.
In case you got too busy and forgot to read the sticker on your bed, set a reminder on your phone that says, “Enjoyment PLC.”
4. Don’t engage in every Twitter discussion.
Constantly engaging in Twitter conversations can take many years off your life and also eat into the time you’d have used to enjoy your life. Why press your phone when you can press other things or have someone press your things? Shey you get?
5. Block people who are stressing you.
There’s no one above blocking, if anyone tries to show you small stress, please, block them. Even if the person is your boss or the one sustaining your lifestyle. You want to chop life, not chop stress.
6. Let all your money be for enjoyment; your future can take care of itself.
Don’t worry about your future, your future go dey alright. When the future comes, we’ll write another guide on how to chop life when you are 30+.
7. Save.
Not money o. Only your life or your energy, never money. You need to conserve your energy to continue your enjoyment all through your life.
Life can be tougher than leather, but the ten things on this list make everything better and bearable. Make sure you hold on to number four and eight.
And if all else fails, number seven should ginger you to keep going.
1. Good food
What would you do without food? In sickness and in health, it never fails. There are some meals you will eat and begin to feel like superman has nothing on you.
2. House parties
When life gives you lemons, put on your party cloth, apply lip gloss and get ready to gbe body! Oh, let’s not forget the occasional free drink and cute people at some of these house parties.
3. Photoshoots
And…camera, pose, snap! Life’s too short not to dress up often, book a shoot and have banging photographs of you taken.
Image source: Twiiter
4. Memorable experiences
If you don’t have things like bungee jumping, touring cities, hiking, riding in an hot air balloon or even snatching somebody’s bae on your bucket list, are you even ready to enjoy life? Please reconsider dear, you only live once. Besides, memories from these experiences will last a lifetime.
5. Luxurious houses
Whether you’re on a business or leisure trip, or even looking for permanent accommodation, you too deserve a luxurious house which reflects your aura. The coolest thing is you don’t need to sweat to find one as Aura by Transcorp Hotels lets you shop for quality hotels and apartments at the best prices in Africa.
6. Get togethers
Never shy away from an opportunity to host fun get togethers with amazing people – friends, family or even random travelers. When you add Aura by Transcorp Hotels to the mix, it becomes even simpler and more secure to host these get togethers. You get to choose your own hosting schedule, set your prices, house rules and review guest information before they set foot into your space. Awesome, right?
7. Credit alerts
Any amount of credit alert is better than all the scary debits you get the minute you step outside your house.
8. Friendships
There’s something about having that one genuine person you can call a friend that adds colour to your world. Good friends pull you up when you are down in the dumps. Better hold them tighter than a belt on a snatched waist or someone will snatch them from you.
9. Vacations
You’ve worked hard all year, and cannot come and kill yourself. So, why not plan an end-of-the-year vacation alone or with bae? And with zero stress too! With the tap of a button on Aura by Transcorp Hotels, you can access all the amazing experiences, luxury, food, photos, and parties which await you on the other side of enjoyment. Don’t wait till the last minute oh, to prevent “Had I known?”
10. Perfumes
Imagine if everyone walked around smelling like rotten kpomo? Tufiakwa! Thank heavens for nice fragrances that make us smell like a million bucks.
Is enjoying life to the fullest your mantra? Yasss! Start by getting a taste of the Aura experience here.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.This is Zikoko’s What She Said.
The subject of this week’s What She Said is a woman who was born with Sickle Cell Disease (SCD). She talks about the first time she had a crisis, losing her sister to the disease, not allowing it stop her from enjoying her life, and how breakdowns are a regular part of her life.
What’s your earliest memory of your childhood?
I was a talkative kid and quite troublesome. My earliest memory is hiding behind a sofa one evening to avoid my mum, who was trying to convince me to go to bed.
Another memory is of a crisis I had.
Crisis?
It was a cool night, around 1 a.m., and I woke up with a sharp pain in both my knees.
Often, my crises start around joints, but the pain was unexpected and excruciating. It was so excruciating that I was rushed to a hospital emergency unit. I was bedridden for about six days and heavily medicated. I’ve never had a crisis as bad as that one since.
Yes. I’ve had regular crises for as long as I can remember.
As I’ve grown, it’s become easier to manage and avoid crises, but I used to have one a day or four a week consistently for the majority of my earlier years.
How did your parents take it?
My family learnt about SCD the hard way and went through various hospital visits with my sister. So when I was born and later diagnosed, they were more prepared.
I grew up taking daily prescription medication, avoiding excessive sports and drinking a minimum of two litres of water a day.
Unfortunately, my sister died in 2013.
I’m so sorry.
It’s okay. My family understands only the basics. This made it hard for my siblings to understand crises earlier in life, but thankfully, my stepmother and legal guardian was a nurse; and she was always available during a crisis.
The first time I learnt about SCD in school, the biology teacher taught us that people with SCD can’t live past 20. It’s bullshit. I did the majority of my education on SCD by myself, with no help from my doctor or family members.
What about outside school? Where was the first place you heard about it?
I was young, maybe 7 or 8. I found out I had SCD by overhearing an early morning conversation between my stepmother and brother outside my room, the morning after I had had a crisis in the night.
They didn’t tell you before?
No.
Why?
I don’t know. I doubt I would have had any use for the information. I’m glad I didn’t find out any later than I did, but I don’t wish I knew earlier.
So, what’s life like for you with SCD?
I think of my body like a clunky old car. Since almost anything can trigger a crisis, I try my best to drink more than enough water, maintain a medium body temperature and avoid extreme stress.
It’s very touch and go, hence the comparison with an old car. I’m managing my body and despite how much I try, it breaks down often and I end up in the workshop.
What about the future? What does a future with SDC look like for you?
I used to despise thinking about this. I’ve been suicidal after crises, but this life na one.
I plan to travel, explore my many talents, taste many foods and work on my career goals.
In the short term, I intend to purchase equipment for a personal gym soon. I’m working towards a toned body ideal that I once believed was unattainable for me because I believed I couldn’t exercise.
I intend to live to the fullest, and see where that takes me.
What about a family. Any plans for that?
Maybe. If I choose not to marry and/or have kids, it will be for reasons outside SCD.
If I ever marry, I will not have biological children unless I do so in a country where medicine is advanced enough to avoid passing the sickle cell trait.
The subject of today’s What She Said is a 34-year-old Nigerian woman who grew up getting everything she asked for. She talks about constantly pursuing enjoyment, and how that led to her leaving her cheating husband and raising her two children independently.
What was it like growing up?
I had a pretty happy childhood. I am the 12th child out of 21 and was the last girl till I was 12 years old, so I was kind of everyone’s favourite. I grew up with a lot of people in the house: cousins and aunts inclusive. I was never short of people to play with.
The earliest memory of my childhood is from when I was about four years old. My daddy’s important friends came, and they gave me two bundles of five naira notes. I made my mum take me to the shopping complex to buy a red spaghetti strap dress with a fancy bolero jacket.
Your mother did not “hold” the money for you? Must be nice.
Whenever I got money like that, I sometimes gave my parents to keep it for me, but I have always loved being responsible for my own money.
The downside to being responsible for your own money is that sometimes you’re deprived of things other people have. If I protested, my parents told me those people used their savings to buy it. There was a year I almost did not get Sallah clothes because I had used all my savings at the snack woman’s place. After crying for hours, they finally gave me the clothes.
The thing is, I was adorable, smart and liked. I was everyone’s little bride at their wedding, always the house princess for inter-house sports, and always represented the school at primary school events. I was spoilt, overindulged and was used to having my way with almost everything. I loved it, and it did a lot for my self-confidence and self-esteem.
What’s it like being a confident adult?
I look at people who don’t like me like they don’t have good taste.
When I was younger, I did not handle being rejected well. There was a time a guy said he liked me but didn’t want to date me. I was stunned. Like how dare he? Why would he allow common sense to derail him from enjoyment? I am a big believer in enjoyment, so this did not make any sense to me.
LOL. What do you consider enjoyment?
Food is my kind of enjoyment, but I despise cooking. I love food cooked by other people. That was why when I started making money, the first thing I did was hire a cook. After a few months, I sent him away because he was doing nonsense. Now, I have someone that does well and cooks for the house.
The house?
The house includes me, my children’s minder, the help, my two children, and my nieces.
Tell me about your kids.
They’re amazing children, and I love them very much, but I don’t recommend children to anybody. They take your body, your energy and your money. All for small hugs and kisses? The return on investment is poor.
But then you have not just one, but two. Why?
I was 23 and so very young and foolish. I felt that having children was expected of me after getting married, so I did just that. I got married and pushed out two children without putting much thought into it.
I had my first child for my ex-husband and the second for my first child because I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life entertaining her. Now they can entertain themselves and be friends.
Did that work?
Yes. They do everything together and love one another so much it gets me upset sometimes. The boy who is two years older than his sister said to me the other day: “I get upset when I see my sister crying, and I feel like slapping someone, but since you are the one making her cry, I will just go and tell her sorry.”
She was crying because I scolded her for finishing some paper in the house and not letting me know to replace it.
The thought of them gaining power and throwing me out of the house has crossed my mind, but I know they love me too much. They also understand that sometimes I love one child more than the other, and they don’t mind.
One day, my children told me, “You can’t love two people the same way at the same time. There are times when you love my sister more, and times you love me more, but we don’t care. We know you love both of us and will always take care of us.”
Stuff like this makes me feel like I’m winning in the parent department.
Definitely. What about your ex-husband? Where is he in this picture?
Even when we were together, I was the children’s primary caregiver, so it’s not like he knows what to do with them.
Why did the marriage end though?
We wanted different things out of life, and it was leading to constant conflict. He was 32 years old when we got married, and until then, he had never been responsible for anyone, not even himself. So, he struggled.
He also seemed unable to wrap his head around the fact that I didn’t want a mediocre life. So, he did not understand my drive to work, to make money. I want a BeachFront mansion, and I don’t mind working for it. Meanwhile, he’s satisfied with a bungalow in the village. He also cheated on me with close friends and associates and took advantage of people living with us.
Wow.
I once got a call around 4 a.m. from him while I was on a work trip. He was demanding the kids’ nanny leave because she woke the children up too early. I told him that was not possible, and it was too early in the morning. Then I went back to bed.
When I woke up, I found out he had already sent her away. I asked her what happened, and she said ever since I left, he had been trying to sleep with her. She said she woke the children up because she wanted protection. It was at that moment I knew I could not do it anymore.
I got home, asked him what happened, and he said it’s his house, and he could do whatever he wanted. He told me anyone who had a problem with that could leave, so I carried my children and left.
Damn, that must suck.
Yeah. After that, different women started coming to me with various allegations from pregnancy to rape. It was a whole mess. In fact, in the first year of our marriage, he got my friend pregnant.
I should have left then, but I felt like I had something to prove. When I got married, people told me that the marriage would not last long. I was desperate to make it work.
Was there a reason they thought it would not work?
My motto is, if he is giving you a headache, let him go. God did not put me on earth to be dealing with headaches from men. I am a very beautiful woman, and there are always men and women who want to be with me, so why will I be with someone who is stressing me? My response to stress is flight, and I am very happy and content with being on my own.
For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
What’s your oldest memory of money?
Haha, I know this question from Naira Life.
Hahaha, an OG.
I remember finding some money in my aunt’s purse. She had just relocated to London, and she left some naira in her bag. I think she forgot it. Anyway, my siblings and I took it and didn’t tell anyone. I think it was ₦970, which was a lot of money in the early 2000s. We balled with it. . I was maybe 10 or 11.
What were things like generally?
We were okay. Our parents travelled abroad, but we never did. I lied to my classmates about travelling though. In hindsight, I wonder if they knew it was a lie and if I was one of those “armed robbers stole our pool” kids.
Hahaha. I think we were all this kid to some degree. Anyway, what’s the first thing that ever paid you money?
I was an intern at a PR firm in 2011. It paid about ₦15k at the time. I was 18, and in my second year in uni. The next time I earned anything was two years after: NYSC. All I got monthly was ₦19,800. The government TV Station I worked at didn’t pay me a dime. #EndBadGovernance. #EndEverything #EndWorld
Hahaha. So, just ₦19,800?
I’m not going to lie; because they weren’t paying me, I became a ghostworker. They didn’t care much about me or corpers generally, so they let me be. They were so uncool.
What’s the most uncool thing anyone there did?
One time they made me cover a story of one older American woman that came to see her Facebook friend. It was around the Chibok girls kidnapping, but they didn’t say anything about that. How is that Facebook story a priority please?
#EndBadGovernance. What happened after NYSC?
I became a banker. I joined a bank in 2015. In their training school, they paid ₦40k. After training school, my money increased to ₦238k. There was a compulsory car loan that put my net to ₦180k after I paid the monthly principal.
I changed departments, but my last stop was Comms. I came tops in training school, so I chose where I wanted to be.
The only time I come tops is when it’s time to finish food.
Hahaha, I used to come tops in everything until I entered secondary school and boys started to distract me. My brain can’t mix romance with books. Anyway, I was at the bank for a little over three years.
How did your salary grow while you were there?
It didn’t. That’s why I left. I was also beginning to feel stagnant. The only reason I stayed is because there was a two-year bond.
How much did breaking this bond cost?
Two million. E be like jail. Kai.
Ah, the clauses.
To be frank, they actually give raises. It just didn’t favour the average person. For example, you had to find someone to deposit a lot of money to get a raise. Tough times.
That hustle. Where did you go after?
I was jobless for six months, exploring other things. But when I exhausted my savings, I ran back to banking. Another bank this time.
How much did you have saved up, and what type of safety nets did you have?
I had about one million. My rent wasn’t due for another six months, and I knew I could always run back to my family if things went bad.
Ah nice, so a new bank?
Yes. Marketing. Loved it. This was in 2018. The salary was ₦250k.
How did your salary grow?
It didn’t. I left after a year to take a consulting gig. Marketing too. That paid me ₦350k. This one lasted six months, till the end of 2019. Then I took on some consulting gigs for Detty December events. By the beginning of 2020, I didn’t have a job. But that was okay for me.
Why?
I wanted to travel. And that’s what I did. I did three countries; the UAE and two in Africa. I was going to do the UK, but COVID hit, so I came back home.
How much did all of it cost?
Ahhh, I dunno o. I wasn’t checking, just spending. Lol.
Oya, how much did you have when you left, and how much when you got back?
Maybe I spent about 2.5 to ₦3 million. Sorry oh, I can see my income at the time was not matching my lifestyle. I think this is a good time to mention that I had a boyfriend that was very financially comfortable, so I didn’t have to bother about a lot of bills lol.
Hayyy, God when?
When the lockdown started, I accepted a startup’s offer of ₦250k because I wanted to use work as a distraction from my anxiety about the impending doom.
Strange times.
When I accepted the offer, they told me they were going to give me a raise after three months because they didn’t have money.
How did it go three months after?
Things got interesting. First of all, they told me they were bootstrapping, but what I saw when I joined didn’t show any evidence of them being broke. I felt like I’d been lied to about them being broke. My boss didn’t take me asking for a raise well at all, and he said many awful things.
I was like, you know what? I quit. So, I gave them a one-month notice.
Ah, mad o.
Me that I already had another job where they were offering $1,700.
Mad oooooooo.
One week before I was to leave, they gave me a better offer and increased my salary to ₦400k. I told them I was only going to accept it as long as I could keep my new gig. They agreed.
That is interesting.
I know I’m going to have to choose one eventually, but I’m going to drag it for as long as I can.
What’s your dummy’s guide to landing a forex gig?
Hahaha. LinkedIn. Once I see a White Chief Marketing Officer, I just send them the template message I’ve written. One paragraph stating intent. Another paragraph stating my experience. One paragraph expecting feedback.
What was the feedback like?
Let’s say I sent 10. I got like 8 responses. Only 2 made an offer. Then I accepted one.
How much enters your account every month like this?
₦1,199,000.
What does it do to a person? This kind of income jump?
Actually, it’s weird. Nothing. I keep saying maybe after I earn it for six months, I’ll see the difference but for now, nothing has changed. I’ve never really been a prudent person so it’s not like I’m spending more now.
What does it –
I bought Hermès sandals, lol.
How much did that cost?
₦350k. I’m not doing this again sha. I have other things I could do with money, maybe a master’s programme or even relocating.
What are your current monthly running costs?
This might not really be entirely accurate because I get a lot of passive income.
How?
People like to dash me money.
Mad o. What do I need to do for people to dash me money?
Hahaha, be a fine girl in Lagos oh.
I… What’s the highest amount of money anyone has dashed you?
Two million. I wanted to travel, told him to sponsor me and he did. We’ve been friends for a long time, so maybe that helped lol.
I have people I’ve been friends with for over 10 years, but… Anyway, you have almost ₦900k left over every month, what’s going to happen to that?
I mostly just save it, but now I’m considering crypto. The space is pretty interesting, and we might be sleeping on it. I’m trying to learn as much as I can about it.
Have you bought any crypto yet?
Well, an insignificant amount. About ₦50k.
Hmm.
When you consider that 1 BTC is about five million, ₦50k is insignificant.
Fair. How much do you currently have saved up?
Right now, about ₦1.2 million. There was some financial trouble at home that ate into all my savings. So I had to help out.
You want to talk about it?
Nope. Not really.
Is this the first time?
Nah. I’ve pretty much been on my own financially while having to help out since NYSC.
A moment comes when people realise that they’re no longer just children, but also financial support systems.
I think it came too fast. I used to resent my parents for it, but I help when I can. School fees and all that. They’re working to pick up a lot of that too, so I’m happy about that.
Do you remember the first time you had to pick up a bill?
It was from uni. Sometimes I’d have to borrow from my friends till my parents could pay back.
This strained our relationship when I got older because I realised they were just irresponsible with money. They didn’t have priorities straight, didn’t plan. It didn’t make sense to me.
Do you feel like you inherited some of it?
Yeah, I think so. But I’m not as careless. I don’t like getting broke, so I try to plan.
Looking at your career, how much do you feel like you should be earning right now?
I think I’m earning what I should to be honest. Although if I use the normal Nigerian companies pay grade, maybe ₦500k because they’re users and slave drivers.
What’s something you want but can’t afford?
A better passport. And maybe a private jet, so I can japa at any time and pick one or two clothes.
Hahaha. What’s an annoying miscellaneous that you’ve had to pay for recently?
Oh my God, you’re a wizard for this question. I recently got into a small accident and now I have to pay ₦50k for the person’s car to be fixed. I don’t even know how much they’ll fix mine yet. And my insurance ran out, so I’m pissed about it.
Ouch. Sorry. Do you have any financial regrets?
I don’t know if it’s a regret but I wish I didn’t have to support my family as much as I do. I’d be so much richer if I didn’t.
Have you ever attempted to measure how much of your income is going to them?
Nah, I have not. But I know it’s a lot. At some point my dad became so entitled. I had to clear him.
How did the conversation go?
One that I remember was I had given them some money to do some things around the house. I’d also planned to travel too, but I didn’t tell them that. After I gave them the money, he called to say he needed to buy his meds and I told him I didn’t have money for that. Fast forward maybe three days, I was on the way to the airport, and he called me randomly and I told him oh I’m actually about to catch a flight.
Next thing he goes, “You’re catching a flight but you don’t have money for my meds?”
Hmm.
That pissed me off cause I’m like, I just gave you some money a few days back, maybe you could have bought your meds with some of it?
And he has been using his meds for years now, so it’s not like it just popped up from nowhere. You knew you needed your meds. He does it all the time. Never saves for his meds or plans for it.
And why this is so annoying is they’re not even that old. Barely in their mid-50s, and it’s been going on since their 40s. They still have sources of income.
What’s a purchase you made recently, even if small, that significantly improved the quality of your life?
I bought another car about two months ago. My friend relocated and gave it away at a steal. It cost ₦1.5m, and everyone says the market value is actually ₦2.5m.
Fair. On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your happiness level?
Midpoint-ish. I wish I was richer though. I want to have a million dollars by the first quarter of 2021, I don’t know how I’ll do it.
If you get that one million dollars, I’m going to quit whatever job I’m doing and follow you. Bet.
Hahaha, put me in your prayers. We will all eat good.
Are we going to one day find a video of you dancing at a party and shouting at the top of your lungs? Or are you sure that’s never going to happen because you never leave your house?
Just like you, these people seem out of place and are also confused and wondering what they’re doing there.
The ones that look like they live there
They know their way around so well that it can only be one of two things. It’s either they run the place, or they live there.
The ones that came to do business
These ones have an air of seriousness around them at all times. The hotel might be chill but they didn’t come to chill at all. If you check well, they’re probably there for a meeting or a conference.
The rich people
These ones smell like money from afar and the fact is that when you get to meet them, you’ll be right.
The ones that just came to chill
These ones actually came to chill. If the hotel has a swimming pool, that’s where you’ll find them.
Couples on honeymoon
You can already tell once you see them because they always have that “I just got married” glow that does nothing but remind you of how deep in the streets you are.
The ones you only see on TV
Since it’s a very important place, it’s only normal for you to see people you normally wouldn’t. But you’d be wise to leave them alone before you start looking like paparazzi.
The ones that look like they’re on vacation
You’ll know them by their smiles and you can definitely tell they’re having a good time because they’re not seeing the shege you’ve been accustomed to in this country.
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