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Your partner might stain your white at some point in your relationship, but while some white-staining moments are bad, some will have you crawling on the ground, begging for shelter from the humiliation your partner has dumped on your head. Believe it or not, these are some of the most embarrassing things your partner can do to you and your relationship.
Beg their side piece
It’s one thing to beg the person they’re cheating on you with. It’s another thing for them to wear strawberry pajamas, get on their knees, and beg for God knows what on camera.
Crop you out of a picture
It’s one thing for your partner to dislike public displays of affection. It’s another for you to post a picture with them, gushing about all the butterflies they put in your belly, only for them to turn around and post the same picture, without you.
If the supposed love of your life needs you to look like an upcoming armed robber before they can take you out in public, they aren’t the one for you. As a matter of fact, they’re your opp.
Get curved when they try to cheat
We’re not saying creating is good. All we’re saying is that if your partner tries to get with someone else and the person tells them to hug a transformer, both you and your baby should be embarrassed, and you need to dump their ass swiftly.
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Owe someone money
We’re not saying it’s a good thing to do, but even the Nigerian government owes people. If your partner is a chronic onigbese all you can do is bow your head in shame and follow these tips.
Wash your dirty linen in public
Some people don’t know how to keep their mouths shut and keep information to themselves. If your partner is like this, chances are when you get in a fight, they’ll run to the internet and spill all your secrets to whoever cares to listen.
Take back things they’ve bought you after a breakup
If your partner ex asks for everything they ever bought for you just because you get into a fight or end things, then they should be ashamed and embarrassed, not you.
Some people don’t like peace of mind. They come into your life with one purpose: dragging you through the mud. We’ve already told you how to identify them, but if for some reason you find yourself entangled with a mudslinger who is about to do what they do best, here’s what to do.
Warn them
If you suspectyour partner is about to open the floodgates of embarrassment and mud on your head, tell them not to even dream of it. That way, when you start moving mad, you can say boldly that you warned them, but they didn’t listen.
Report them
Find someone they love or respectand tell them that their child is moving like Lucifer after they threw him from heaven, then hope for your sake that they relay your message to the mudslinger that has bought space in your heart.
Stain their white
If you feel like the LOYL is about to embarrass you and drag you through the mud, embarrass them first. It might not be your thing, but it’s better for them than for you. Chances are their white is already stained and they’re shameless AF, though.
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Get your receipts
If, for some reason, you decide to remain with them, we advise that you first find out if all is well with you. After that, get evidence of some rubbish they’ve done before (don’t worry, you’ll find something) and hold it close to your chest. That way, when they come and try to rub dirt on your name, you can fight fire with fire and pay them back in their own wicked coins.
Ignore it all
Will this come back to bite you in the bum? Most likely. But if you truly do not have the strength to go mud for mud with them, then you better bury your head in the sand and ignore it all. Or outsource the mudslinging to more capable hands. This is where your friends come in.
Outsource the battle
Believe it or not, you’ve gotten entangled with a dirty person and are now in a mud-slinging contest. Gather your friends and their exes together if you want a chance at victory.
Run
The second you feel like your baby might be moving like a baby devil, pack your bags and leave them in that relationship.
For people who are incredibly sexual, there’s a kind of shame attached to sex and the consumption of materials relating to sex in Nigeria that would be funny if it weren’t so sad. With social media and platforms like OnlyFans taking out gatekeepers in the porn industry, now, more than ever, porn has become easily accessible. In this article, 7 Nigerian men look back on the first time they got caught watching porn.
Mukhtar, 25
I was about 10 years old when it happened. A family had just moved in next door, and my friends and I got acquainted with one of their kids. One day, while we were chatting about a Nigerian movie, Butterfly, starring Genevieve and Ramsey Nouah, this boy told us his father had part 2 of the film, so we all agreed to watch it together. Lo and behold, “part 2” turned out to be porn! One person suggested we turn it off, but we all shut him up. After a while, I stepped out to pee, but I forgot to lock the door. While I was outside, the boy’s father walked in and caught them. I ran home, but the boys snitched on me. Our neighbour’s father sent someone to call me from my house. He beat the hell out of us and made us promise not to do it again. But I still watch porn everyday sha.
Amos, 24
It happened when I was in high school. I collected about 17 porn videos from my friend, so when I got home, I waited until bedtime to watch it. I started watching them one by one till I fell asleep with the videos still playing. By the time I woke up, I couldn’t find my phone again. I searched everywhere and finally summoned the courage to check my mum’s room. I walked in, and she told me to “get out”. She followed up with, “We need to talk.” She asked me where I got the videos from, who I was practising with, and if I wanted to embarrass her. Omo, it was a scary morning. I later found out that my parents watch porn too. I found CDs in hidden places; I guess we weren’t so different after all.
Bello, 29
Mine was during the BBM heydays. A girl buzzed me and was like, “You know we can see what you’re watching, right?” I froze. Then I replied, “Wow, my phone was with someone. I didn’t know they were doing that”, and thanked her for telling me. It was that listening feature. These days, I just remember it and laugh.
DipPickBandit, 30
Anyone who owns a PlayStation 4 knows that PornHub is also accessible on your console. Plus, it’s the last place your significant other would expect you to be watching porn. On one particular day, I was with my ex, who happened to be of a different ethnic background, and we were cosying up to venture into the world of Netflix. I ended up pressing something that opened my browser, revealing a rather voluptuous black woman getting railed. Homegirl burst into tears. I still feel awful and worry she may have thought I wasn’t satisfied because she wasn’t black or thick. I stopped watching porn during the duration of our relationship.
Ebele, 25
It was a lovely morning at home and I felt the need to let off some pent up energy. Two minutes into my beatdown, right at the edge of my nut, my door swings open and in bounds my flatmate asking if I’m hungry. I flew from my bed and hit my toe on the edge of the bed. I could only answer “yes” from behind the wardrobe, holding back tears.
Mike, 34
I was watching porn one afternoon while my roommate was asleep. I remember it was one of those gay porn videos with a long prologue. There were two hunky white dudes working for a construction company and they walked in shirtless with hard hats on, so I guess they were safety conscious. After giving their terrible lines, just as the petting was about to start, my roommate rolled over, and his face landed right in front of my laptop. His eyes were wide open! I almost fainted. Moments later, he closed his eyes and just went back to sleep.
Sope, 27
It looked funny when it happened in American Pie, but mine was mad embarrassing. So I was in my office working late one day. I don’t know how I ended up on my burner Twitter account. One thing led to another and I was in the mood. I assumed no one was around, so I just whipped it out and went to work. Deep in the middle of my thing, our office’s corper rushed into the office. I actually died — like, my soul left my body. Worst part? I still came. He spoke some gibberish and ran out. That was the last time I jerked off at work. The poor guy couldn’t look me in the eye again. Thank God he passed out of service shortly after that day.
There are a lot of things that feel embarrassing but are actually not. Being Nigerian is not one of them sha. That one is enough embarrassment.
But then to be fair, random people do not care about you, and you shouldn’t care about their opinion. So, instead of being embarrassed about the things on this list, keep your head high and walk away.
Someone needs to explain why it always feels like a walk of shame when this happens. It is not our fault that the prices are too high, or that they didn’t have whatever we were looking for so, why does this translate to shame? It’s because of this we’re always asking for things in ridiculous colours. Yes, cockroach brown exists.
2. Wearing sunglasses
Sunglasses are supposed to protect you from the sun, so why does it feel embarrassing to use them? The looks people give don’t help either.
3. Having an umbrella
The moment it starts to rain and you bring out an umbrella, the number of dirty looks you’ll get will make you want to disappear. Worse if you dare use an umbrella when it’s hot? In Nigeria? Why can’t you endure suffering like the rest of us?
4. Asking for what you want during sex
How you’ll feel after you ask for what you want
Perhaps it’s the years of being told that sex is a sin, but is this really shouldn’t be an issue. Ask and ye shall receive abeg.
5. Being a politician’s child
What is embarrassing about having money? Oh yeah, the insults your parents receive daily for not doing their job. Must be rough.
6. Asking for your pay after finishing a job
Not in this generation, but if you find yourself being embarrassed about this, slap your chest three times and call Zikoko. One of our writers will appear to slap you.
7. Asking someone to refund the money you borrowed them
If you can relate, I suggest that you go to church for deliverance. My dear, a closed mouth is a closed destiny. Better fight and collect your money.
8. Looking for your debit card or money at a counter
This is the most embarrassing feeling ever, you’d be trying to look for your cash or debit card and people will act like they want to bite you. Worse, if the cashier is nice. You would want the ground to swallow you because they probably think you came to steal or something.
9. Saying goodbye on a zoom call
This applies to work calls or school zoom calls. Everyone would be saying bye and you’d be there racking your brain like, should I type it or shout it but last last, it’s to shut down the laptop.
10. Sneezing or coughing in a quiet room
There’s a feeling of dread that comes over you when you are in a quiet room and your nose starts to itch. You can tell that a loud cough or sneeze is about to disgrace you, and it has to be the worst feeling ever.
11. Being Buhari
Who am I kidding? It must be embarrassing to be him abeg.
