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driving | Zikoko!
  • QUIZ: What Type of Driver Are You?

    Forget what your driving school instructor said, that’s if you had one anyway. Take this quiz and we’ll tell you if you’re a good driver or an agbero on wheels.

  • I’m Almost 30, But I Don’t Know How to Drive, Swim or Ride a Bicycle

    I was a child obsessed with cars in the 90s. My love for cars was so obvious that in most pictures of me from my family’s old photo album, I’m holding a miniature toy car. But now I’m terrified of cars these days, especially when it comes to driving them. 

    I looked forward to the day I could finally drive. So when I turned 16, I started classes with vim and practised in an open field close to where I lived. My driving instructor and I did this for a while, and after some time, I had to test myself on  an actual road. That’s where shit got real. 

    I and my instructor set out that morning to take over the streets, and everything was going fine until I saw a truck the size of a petrol tanker, and at that moment, I froze. I can’t remember exactly what I was thinking, but I had this feeling I was about to die and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had just finished secondary school and here I was about to peace out on a random street?  I know it sounds dramatic when people say it, but, omo, my whole life flashed right in front me, and all I did was stare back at it in shock. Luckily for us, my instructor grabbed the steering wheel and drove us off the road. We survived, but I walked away and never touched a steering wheel since then. 

    My whole life flashed in front of me, and all I did was stare back at it in shock.

    Not knowing how to drive quickly became my personality trait. I joked about it and used it as a way to escape random errands like picking up family members from the airport or rushing to the market to get something. And with ride-hailing apps everywhere, did I really need to learn how to drive? 

    While not knowing how to drive has saved me from running a shit load of errands, I can’t deny how helpless it makes me sometimes. A prime example of this was on a night out with a friend back in 2019. We’d hung out with other friends, and since this was my pre-alcohol era, I didn’t take a sip of anything crazy that night. But he did. Against our better judgement, we hopped into the car and decided to head back home. Halfway into our ride, he stopped at a traffic light, looked at me and said, “I’m wasted. I don’t think I can drive without us getting into an accident.” 

    Eh?

    For the first time in my life, I desperately wished I could get over my fear of the steering wheel and actually drive. Here we were, in the middle of the road, helpless in a time and a country where trigger-happy policemen could easily walk up to us and turn us into hashtags. I just couldn’t bring myself to get in the driver’s seat.

    We scoured our contacts for someone who lived close by. I eventually remembered a mutual friend who I rarely spoke to lived close by. After an awkward call filled with the “That’s how you forgot me” back and forth, we convinced him to get a cab to where we were, drive us to our house and then make his way back home. It worked.

    I still think about that night. What if it had ended differently? One would think this would help me get over my fear of driving, but no, I’m still stuck. 

    Driving is not the only thing I’m scared of. There’s the swimming thing which I lowkey believe traces back to my dad’s death (he didn’t drown; he just died). The thing is, my dad was a pilot and was rarely around. However, every time this man came home, he made sure my life was filled with more activities than actual people. There were four things my dad believed I needed to succeed in life: swimming classes, video games, a billion toys and an annoying older brother who locked me up in wardrobes for fun. He wanted me to take swimming seriously, so I started swimming classes the year I turned four. 

    But after years of learning the breaststroke and every other stroke in the world, my father died when I was eight and for the first time since I could remember, I didn’t go to swimming class for two weeks straight. Two weeks quickly became one month and one month turned into a year. Before I knew it, the thought of water just irritated me. I mean, what was the point? The man I was doing it for was gone. I didn’t step into a pool again until I was 22 years old. 

    My return back to the pool was uneventful, unfortunately. I went to a pool party and peer pressure won, so I got into the pool. There was a major difference this time though. While my earlier instinct had always been to step into the pool and show off tricks for my dad, this time, I stepped in and felt a weird sense of calm. I stood in the pool and felt the water, no serenre at all. 

    I haven’t swam since then. I just go into the pool, stand or submerge myself in the water and leave it at that. I lie and tell people I can’t swim, but the truth is, with my dad not watching, I don’t see the point. 

    Just like my failed swimming career, my inability to ride a bicycle can also be traced to my dad. No, he didn’t go hard on me for this one too. It’s just that bicycles were our thing. Teaching me how to ride a bicycle was the only part of fatherhood he didn’t outsource, and in those moments, I felt connected to him. Since he passed, I haven’t been on a bicycle. He stopped his lessons on the bicycles with four wheels, so unless someone has a version of that for adults, I don’t see myself on a bicycle anytime soon. 

    Do I need to know how to do these things? Yes. Do I want to know?  Not really — at least, not all of them. Driving is something I have to learn. But the other two? They’re tied to my daddy issues, and I’m not really bothered about trying anymore. To this day, I don’t know why I froze in front of that truck, and not knowing has kept me trapped in time. 

    I really want to move past my fear of driving, I just don’t know how. 

  • 4 Nigerians Talk About Their Wildest Driving Experiences In Lagos

    Lagos is the real definition of “Ghetto”. Sleeping in your own house is stressful. Going out nko? A constant battle which you have to wear an amour of craziness to win, or emerge alive at least.

    One of such battles is driving. We spoke with 4 Nigerians on their wildest driving experiences in Lagos, and this is what they had to say.

    Lade, 25

    There was the time that the front axle of my car came off (as happens with Hondas). I had just turned off the exit coming from Ilupeju onto Ikorodu road. While I was still trying to figure out what was happening, some idiot drove past and was shouting “but your car would have been giving you sign!” Which yeye sign? That night was all shades of drama. From the agberos that quickly came to cash out, to the LASTMA that kept airing me even after I called and told them I feared my life was in danger. It was a good Samaritan that stopped, stayed with me and helped call an independent tow truck to get me home. And even on the journey home, another set of agberos tried to unhook the car at a filling station, and I literally had to hop into the moving truck.The moral of this plenty story; don’t drive in Lagos, it is the absolute ghetteaux!

    Jess, 27

    My friend is the real definition of ghetto. Apparently, she thinks the best time to chill with movies is when she’s driving on the express. She puts her phone on the dashboard while the rest of us serve as her emergency alarm brake for when she’s about to hit a car in front. The wildest part is: when we try to caution her she talks about how she likes her life more than us. She uses the fact that she’s a woman to escape all that Lagos police and LASTMA drama, especially when she was pregnant. She would hold her stomach after passing one way. LOL.

    J.D, 30

    One morning, around Chevron tollgate, I encountered some woman driving a very nice late model Jeep. She seemed to think it was Fast and Furious, because she almost made me have an accident twice, so I moved to the very last lane and left her to her devices. At the next traffic light however, someone hit my car from behind and when I came down to check, it was this Jeep aunty. While we were trying to sort it out, another woman in a Sienna stopped beside us and shouted “You this woman that just bashed my car, you’ve come to do it here again?” At this point, I just told her to make sure she didn’t kill anybody and got into the car, because I’ve never seen anybody jam twice in the same traffic.

    Jey, 24

    There was the day I was learning how to drive and I just got fed up. I switched off the engine and said I was not doing again. My driving instructor was begging me, but I wasn’t having it. Then a trailer started coming towards us, and I told my driving instructor that I was too scared to drive. He had to take over the wheel and save us. There’s also the time that I was driving and I almost ran over a secondary school student. One minute it was just the road, next there was a green and white uniform. The kind of James Bond driving I did that day, phew! Would you believe that after all of this they said I passed the driving class? How? Anyway, I’ve never stepped my foot in a car to drive since I finished the driving class in 2019. I Uber everywhere or take a bike or Keke if it’s really close.

    See? Even the Fast and Furious crew will give Lagos drivers accolades. This weekend, DStv will be opening a new pop-up channel dedicated to the Fast & Furious franchise. Anticipate and avoid Lagos roads till then.

  • 13 Things You’ll Get If You’ve Ever Asked A Nigerian For Directions

    If you’ve ever had to ask even a single Nigerian for directions, then you already know just how stressful and confusing that situation can be. They’d rather direct you straight to hell than admit that they don’t know the way.

    1. How Nigerians look at you when you stop to ask for directions:

    Ah. No vex.

    2. When they say “Okayyyyyyy” 10 seconds after you ask.

    Stop lying, abeg. You don’t know.

    3. Google maps vs. Nigerians:

    https://twitter.com/Nurse_Chocs/status/1216962091191603200?s=20

    4. Their hands when giving directions:

    Take it easy.

    5. “Do as if you’re going towards…”

    I should “do as if”?

    6. When the second person you ask says the opposite of what the first person said.

    What is this nonsense?

    7. When you actually get proper directions.

    A major miracle.

    8. You, when a Nigerian admits that they don’t know.

    Wait. People like you exist?

    9. “You’ll just burst out…”

    You already know this one is yarning dust.

    10. When Nigerians say “it’s not that far”:

    You can rest assured that it is indeed “that far”.

    11. When you hear “Ah! You’ve passed it oh.”

    What is this life?

    12. “You’ll go down, down, down, down…”

    “Down” is not a unit of measurement, please.

    13. When the place you were going was right beside them all along.

    What. The. Fuck?

  • I’m Earning ₦100,000 And Raising 6 Children

    Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

    The subject of this story is a 42 year old driver I ran into at the Benin-Togo border during #JollofRoad. We had this conversation as we sorted out papers.


    Tell me about your first job ever. 

    I drove a taxi in Ilorin in 1992. Back then, a trip cost anything from ₦1 to ₦5. Buses used to charge 50 kobo. I was so small, I used to sit on a pillow to drive. I was only 15 years old.

    What made you start driving?

    I actually ran away from home. I’d already learned how to drive because my dad had trucks. But I ran away from home because I felt I could be independent – wrong decision. They found me and brought me back that year, and it was hard adjusting. 

    Why? 

    I’d already touched money, and now I suddenly wasn’t having it. I just wanted something that’d give me money, so I started working as a bricklayer. I got paid ₦40 a day.

    What about school? 

    I was in and out of school, so I didn’t even finish primary school until 1994 when I was 17. It was also in that year I had my first child. 

    Ehn?

    We were in love, it was December 1993, a holiday o. Next thing in January like this, bele done set. I was scared.

    So, what did you do? 

    I first ran away – fear. Of course I came back shortly after. My mum took the responsibility of me and their mummy, so she raised our child.

    What about your lover? 

    Ah, my first Love. She didn’t want to continue the relationship at that time because I was an Omo Ita.

    Anyway, that whole period made me start having small sense. I came back and did secondary school. My first WAEC, I did it in 2000. Then they took me to Ibadan and re-registered me for WAEC again. I remember how much my mum paid for that school – ₦21k. I started in SS3, at age 23 o.

    How did it go?

    I passed some of my papers – I failed literature – but I managed to get into a Polytechnic. It felt good. So in 2002, I resumed as a part-time student in a Polytechnic, Business Administration. Since it was part-time, I was able to go back to driving a taxi – my lectures were in the evening. The person who gave me the car to drive asked me to pay ₦800 per day. I was making like ₦2000. My route then was about ₦20 naira per passenger, and a full load was ₦5.

    I was about to enter my second year when new wahala started. 

    What happened?

    Cultists. They wanted to blend me. It got so bad that one night, I just went, returned the car, and left town. I moved to Abuja and never looked back. 

    Wait, just like that?

    Actually, someone informed a man in Abuja that I knew how to drive. My first test was to drive to Abuja. Then I got transferred to someone, and that’s how that new life started as a personal driver in Abuja. I drove his wife and my first salary was ₦8,000. But the good thing is that I didn’t even have to spend anything out of that money. My boss was giving me everything I needed. The money just got deposited in my account, and I enjoyed all my other free benefits. 

    In fact, she’d give me food, pocket money, and even clothes. I worked with her until 2004.

    Did you leave the job? 

    Wait, let me tell you the story. Remember the 8th All Africa Games? She was one of the people contracted to do some work there. We were working non-stop, getting very little sleep. 

    One day, I was there waiting for the next errand to run, when one of the caterers came and offered me food. I collected it straight, I was hungry. 

    As I started eating, my boss saw me and was like, “Nuisance! Who told you to be eating?” she kept going on and on. So I responded with one statement.

    What?

    I told her I wasn’t working anymore. She thought it was a joke. I headed back to the house to go get my things, but before I got there, she’d already called the house, telling them to not let me in. I just vexed and left my things too. 

    Ah ahn, where was this confidence coming from? 

    Money. All that money that I’d be saving, and one tiny phone. I was 26 years old at the time. I’d already touched a part of the money because I was sending money home for my parents and my kids. Still, I think I had over 100k. 

    After her husband asked me for the last time, I told him I was quitting. Then he gave me three months salary. And said, “I wish you the best of luck.” That moment was the first time since the drama started, that I wish I didn’t quit. 

    Then I started working for some Indians as a driver, helping them with other things. 

    What other things?

    The first time I went to their workplace, they were looking for someone to help them clear a small bush. Since I already had experience doing that type of work, it was easy for me, and I just cleared it sharp-sharp. They liked me, and wanted me to be the one driving them. 

    Then one of the co-drivers blocked me one time. 

    Blocked you as in? 

    He told me that I was trying to take his job. He said he was going to kill me if I collected his “Oga’s driver” position. The Benz was mostly reserved for the senior driver, and that’s what these Indians wanted me to start driving. 

    Ah, so what did you do? 

    Whenever they asked me to come drive the Benz, I’d say, “Ah, I don’t really understand this Benz o. Let my senior drive it.”

    I avoided the car like that. I also had new kinds of problems there. 

    What kind? 

    My salary was still 8k. But the difference between my last 8k and this 8k was that this one was my lifeline. No free food. No free anything. So I started trekking. I used to trek like 5km every day. Once in a while, I’d get free rides from one of my neighbours who worked close by. 

    Ah, it was hard o, because the moment they realised I could also do hard work, they turned me to Jackie – Jackie with no money. There was this place we used to sit down when we weren’t working, just outside the factory. I used to see a lot of these Inter-state commercial buses passing every time, and I used to ask myself, “Ah ahn, shebi you can drive?”

    So one day, I walked up to one of the offices of one of the bus companies and told them I’d like to be one of their drivers. Next thing you know, they were sending me on errands, telling me to go drop this person, and that person.

    What about your old job? 

    I left that place. I just focused squarely on how to become a full-time driver in this transport company. There was one man – the Oga of the place – that I was always getting assigned to. One day, he gave me a letter and told me to take it to Lagos. This was 2004 – I think I was 27. 

    That letter was him recommending me for training at their main office in Lagos. 

    Progress progress!

    Yes o! But the day I entered Lagos, police arrested me. 

    Ah. How did that happen? 

    I crossed the express. They put me inside their bus and I met more people there. I was so confused. Next thing, people started stepping out of the bus one by one – they way bailing themselves. 

    The officers told me to bail myself, but one kobo, I no get. I told them that I’m a driver that came for training in Lagos. They didn’t listen. They drove around for like another one hour, picking people, and collecting money from them. 

    It was later that they realised that true-true, I didn’t have money. By the time they released me, I already missed the training, the next one was happening a week later. 

    I just sat down at the bus stop and cried sad tears and hunger tears. By chance, someone I knew from my Ibadan days was now a driver in Lagos, and he saw me. Staying with him was how I survived for the next one week. 

    One week later, I got selected as a driver. My first salary was 20k, and they added 2k every year.

    Wait, I haven’t even told you about how I got married.

    Interesting. Oya. 

    I met this woman, she used to come visit from outside Lagos. Anytime she came, we stayed in a hotel because I was squatting with someone. Then one time, she told me she wasn’t going to come and visit me if I didn’t get a place. 

    Sharp sharp, I rented a single room, 24k per year, I bought a bed and some other things. This was early 2007 o. When I told her, she didn’t believe. To show her I was serious, I called my mother to tell her I had someone I wanted to marry. Next thing, they started talking. Next thing, they invited my family. 

    While we were there, my mummy was telling everyone congrats. 

    Congrats for?

    My wife, she was pregnant. 

    Wonderment. 

    Ah, next thing, her family said that they don’t marry with baby in their house. All these times, I was still confused. And what did my brother who followed me to see our in-laws do? 

    What? 

    He stood up from his seat, walked up to the calendar, and picked a date – just about 3 months from that day. Everything was confusing that day. 

    I wasn’t there, but even I am confused. 

    I asked my brother, abeg did you keep any money somewhere that we’re going to use to do this wedding? 

    I was about to ask you about the money part. 

    Ah, I spent money o. I spent over a million naira on that wedding.

    I imagine your salary hadn’t reached 30k per month at this time. How did you raise 1 million naira of your own money? 

    Hahaha, I was actually making a lot of money. Drivers have different ways of making money. For example, everybody gets a fuel budget. If I don’t spend everything, I keep the rest. People also give me things to help them deliver. Sometimes, I could make up to 50k to and fro. The first lump sum of money I’d ever saved in my life, I used it for wedding. Can you imagine? 

    Anyway, that’s how that marriage thing went. 

    What came next?

    I lost my job, one year later in 2008. One of the worst things that can happen to you as a bus driver is an accident. Good thing was, my bus was empty, so nobody died, but the bus was seriously damaged. 

    They sacked me. But then again, I got lucky. 

    You got another job? 

    Yes. Someone hired me to be his driver not too long after. That was the first time I ever drove a G-Wagon. I was paid 35k per month, at first. Then another 55k was added in some form of allowances. 

    Ah, that’s interesting.

    Yes oh. We had a near-death experience and I handled it smoothly. Since then, he instructed that I get that allowance. 

    So how did that job go? 

    I spent a little over a year with him, before I quit again. This was in 2009. I was –

    What happened again? 

    Some of his international clients came into the country for a while, so he assigned me to drive them. That meant that I had to find another driver to drive him around. When that driver resumed, I briefed him, telling him how important it is to be coded with whatever he sees working with Oga. 

    Coded as in?

    He clubbed a lot, and drank a lot, so someone has to constantly watch so they don’t steal his things. Can you believe this boy went to go and tell Oga?

    Ah.

    My Oga now said that I was leaking his secrets, and then his attitude just changed. First of all, they cut all my allowances. Next thing, they brought out fuel receipts and said I was stealing money. When I approached my Oga about it, he said if I can’t pay, I should quit. I dropped the car keys right there. This was late 2009. 

    So what did you do next? 

    A lot. I drove the Lagos Red Cab for a while. Bought a small car and did public transport. Drove a delivery truck. Drove an Uber. Drove a delivery truck several times to Ghana, Benin and Togo. Bought a Sienna on hire-purchase for 1.4 million naira. The owner of the money brought SARS and collected the car back. I delayed that payment only once. I cried that day. 

    Man. What are you doing these days? 

    Driving still. Na here you see me so. I’m currently drivng cargo, across West Africa. Earning 90k a month. 

    What does 90k cover for you?

    So, some years back, during that period that I was getting money, I actually bought land for 90k. Then I started developing it. Then moved my family there like two years ago. So, no more rent wahala.

    Ah, your family.

    Yes yes. My wife, my 5 children –

    Ahhhhhhh.

    Hahaha. The last two, mistakes. The fourth one, carelessness. The fifth one, birth control injection failed. 

    Plus the first child from your first relationship.

    Yes o. Six. I’m still in touch with her, we talk. We’re in good terms. 

    What’s on your mind right now? 

    Right now, I just want to be able to save up and buy a small bus, so I can ply a route that will let me go home to my family everyday. I miss them a lot. My focus in this life is to make sure the kids always go to school. I can’t sleep well if their school fees or feeding money is not intact. Their mum doesn’t really earn much, so it’s me that has to take care of the financial part of the family. And that means not going home. I can sell my house to make sure they go to school. 

    One day, I came home and met the little one sleeping in my shirt and holding my picture. I cried. 

    How much money is sufficient for you right now? 

    Ah, 200k and I dey alright. 

    Expense breakdown

    What do you think is the most important lesson life has taught you since 1992?

    Most of the mistakes in my life have happened because I didn’t calm down before making decisions. Right now, I just want to focus on personal discipline and patience. 

    Check back every Monday at 9 am (WAT) for a peek into the Naira Life of everyday people.
    But, if you want to get the next story before everyone else, with extra sauce and ‘deleted scenes’, subscribe below. It only takes a minute.

    Every story in this series can be found here.

  • All The Things We Do To Pass The Time In Traffic

    1. Listen to your colleagues that begged you for a ride complain about the AC and your music.

    2. Binge on all the delicacies available in traffic.

    3. Observe all the couples fighting in their own cars.

    4. Ignore all the phone calls from your significant other because you don’t have power for fight.

    5. Check instagram to see whether all your frenemies have liked your latest post.

    6. Insult all the bus conductors and other drivers in Lagos.

    7. Catch up on gossip with your best friend.

    8. Check whats going on in your all group chats.

    9. Have a praise and worship session in the car.

  • This Hilarious Video Shows Exactly Why Driving Your Nigerian Parent Is The Worst
    Nigerian parents swear they’re the best drivers in the world. But driving them is another wahala on it’s own.

    Nigerian parents, when you mistakenly drive above 20Km/Hr:

    When they see you driving with one hand.

    Popular Youtuber, Comedy Shorts Gamer, aka Deji drove his father in a Lamborghini for the first time, and his reaction was priceless.

    https://twitter.com/Chibueze_O/status/786698796428320768

    Can you relate to this? Share your experience while driving your parents in the comments section.

  • 1. How he sees his driving skills:

    He thinks he’s acting Fast and Furious!

    What his driving really looks like:

    This one is madness o!

    2. When he overtakes trailers with mad speed, you’re like:

    JEESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

    3. His car, every time he comes back home.

    Even his mechanic is tired of him.

    4. You, when he starts blaming everything else for his bad driving.

    “It’s the pot hole’s fault! I didn’t see it quickly now!”

    5. You, when he’s doing James Bond on Third Mainland Bridge.

    Don’t kill me for my mummy o!

    6. When you now try to correct him, he’s like:

    “What do you know about driving?”

    7. Your mom, anytime he volunteers to take her out.

    “Mr man have you finished driving yourself first?”

    8. When he’s rough driving and now wants to start answering his calls again.

    Is this how you want me to die?

    9. How you start praying anytime you want to follow him out.

    Fix it Jesus!

    10. You, anytime you have to go on a long road trip with him.

    Hay God!