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  • What to Do When Your Middle Name Is “Onigbese”

    As a chronic, unapologetic onigbese, does shame not visit you?

    We’ve told everyone, your partner and debtees, what to do when you refuse to pay back your debts. Obviously, that hasn’t worked, so sit down and let us advise YOU on what to do when you’ve been stung by the bug of onigbese-ism.

    Break coconut on your head

    You’ve refused to pay back the money you owe, so obviously, you have a coconut head. We suggest you go head to head with an actual coconut and hope the impact will reset your brain and nerve endings, and you’ll do what’s right.

    PS: If you land in the hospital and you call our name, we’ll deny you like newly elected politicians deny their wicked godfathers.

    Wash your head with coconut water

    After the much-needed factory reset, this’ll cleanse you of all rubbish behaviour, like holding on to people’s hard-earned money simply because you can.

    Print “onigbese” on a t-shirt and make it your uniform

    Since you can’t stop kidnapping people’s money, buy a plain T-shirt, print “I’m an onigbese” on it, and wear it around town. That way, people already know you can’t be trusted, and the next time people want to get into business with you or you ask for a loan, they’ll know what they’re getting into and flee.

    Find shame

    It’s public knowledge that you can’t shame the shameless, and there’s no one as shameless as an onigbese. But please, find shame so when people start dragging your name and everything you hold dear through the mud, you can feel it and finally pay them.

    Beg for forgiveness 

    Make a list of all the people you owe and how much you owe them, and go on an apology tour. Just make sure you take their money with you before they drag you to Kirikiri for wasting their time.

    Beg the police to arrest you

    Take yourself to the nearest police station and beg them to put you in handcuffs and drag you into a cell. If you’re in the cell, you won’t see the people you’re currently owing money or anyone new to owe. And hopefully, when you come out, the fear of all you endured in the cell will lead you down the right path, one that isn’t filled with debt, shame and embarrassment.

    Disappear

    We know you. You’re probably not going to do anything we’ve said. Just pack your bags, leave the country, make sure you lay low for the rest of your life and tell your children to get ready to break generational curses. This is because the people you’re owing will swear for you, and at least one will work.

    Chioma Munachi

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  • 10 Memes To Send To Your Shameless Debtor

    Memes come in very handy when you are tired of using words to threaten your onigbese. You need to let them be able to visualize how you really feel about their actions and help them feel some shame. Here are some memes you can send to your shameless debtor.

    1. Rendered speechless.

    Because you are in utter disgust and disbelief that they can continue living life and enjoying themselves while owing you money. They clearly have no shame, they are still going around shining teeth. This meme will help them know you are truly speechless that an onigbese can continue enjoying life.

    2. ‘I’ll be your nightmare’.

    This meme is definitely going to scare that onigbese, they need to know they’ll soon start seeing you in their dreams if they don’t pay soon enough. 

    3. Laughing mysteriously.

    Any debtor that doesn’t tremble at the sight of this meme is a superior debtor and should be treated like a criminal. A woman holding a gun and laughing doesn’t seem like a woman that should be messed with. 

    Looking to spice up your Instagram feed? Follow Zikoko Memes 😏

    4. ‘Confused, annoyed, but maintaining beauty’

    Again, you need them to know that you are confused and irritated by their guts. The fact that they continue to live like they are not owing you a lot of money is displeasing you and your homegirls. 

    5. ‘Perceives disrespect’.

    Send this meme to them every day. Let them know that owing you money is the highest height of disrespect and you can no longer tolerate such.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    6. ‘I am not the one you should mess with’.

    You don’t need to add any commentary when you send this meme. Send it to them and put it on your WhatsApp status, or any of your stories that they can view. There’s no onigbese that won’t be afraid of this meme.

    7. ‘Building irritation’

    This meme perfectly sums up how you feel about being owed money for a long time. A shameless onigbese is an irritating person and should be well aware of it. 

    8. ‘Trouble has arisen’

    You were kuku on your own when they brought their two left legs to borrow money from you. Now it’s time to pay up they are doing shakara for you. You need to send them this meme so they can know that trouble has really arisen.

    9. ‘Are you not tired of owing me money?’

    This meme is really humble. Only send it when you are genuinely confused and shocked that they have still not paid you your money. This is the meme you send to an employer that has refused to pay you after many months of working with them.

    10. ‘How could I do such a mistake’

    Only send this meme to your shameless debtor when you need them to know how disappointed you are in them.

    Ibukun

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  • How To Collect Your Money From An Onigbese

    Do you have someone owing you money and they have refused to pay? They may also be dodging your calls and flexing on social media? Well, desperate times call for desperate measures so follow this guide to collect your money from all the onigbeses in your life.

    Hint: An onigbese is someone who’s owning your money.

    1) Take their matter to the mountain

    Have you never heard of praying for your enemies? Sometimes, you need to take their full name to the church and pray.

    2) Pretend to be a delivery person

    When the onigbese in question starts avoiding your calls and is always “out”, you need to get a new number and pretend to be a delivery person. Tell them that anon has paid for something and they need to collect it. On the day of the delivery, bundle them. Sometimes, you need to show people they call you “Scorpion” on the streets.

    3) Print wanted posters.

    Take one of their pictures and caption it “Wanted, debtor. If found, please return.” Include your social media handle. Some people only know how to respond to disgrace.

    4) If they are Christians, give testimony in their church

    If you know the church they attend, this is perfect. The Sunday they are in church, agree to give a testimony. Say that you had a dream where the Lord revealed to you that all your debtors who have refused to pay before a certain period of time will fall down and die. After you give the testimony, leave the church. The Onigbese involved will be the one to contact you.

    5) Put them up for sale

    Please, you won’t actually sell them, but you will advertise them. By the time they see their face circulating all over Instagram and Twitter as “Debtor for sale”, they will pay. Quickly.

    6) Drag them like small generator

    No pity, no remorse. Just be casting them every day on social media. You can even create an account called “countdown till x pays me back my money”. The problem is that some of these people do not have an iota of shame.

    7) Collect a loan and use them as a guarantor

    Collect a loan equals to the amount they owe you from a notorious loan shark, and use them as your guarantor. Then, travel out of the country. The loan shark will find them and collect their money back.

    8) Fake your death and haunt them

    Pretend to die, and ask your family to try collecting the money on your behalf. If the onigbese in question still does not agree, then it is time to wear white cloth, rub dusting powder and haunt them. Go to their house, call their name three times, and ask them to pay you back or they die. Sometimes, you need to instil fear into their hearts. Just make sure the debtor does not see you coming down from an okada on your way to haunt them.

    If any of these work and you eventually collect your money, please donate some to us. Thank you

    QUIZ: ARE YOU AN ONIGBESE

    Click here to find out if you ate the Onigbese people are coming for

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 6 Ways To Catch The People Owing You Money

    People owing you money are some of the hardest people to catch in this life, right after the people on FBI’s most-wanted list. These people can dodge so hard, even you will start to doubt if they truly exist. 

    If you’re sharp, there are ways you can catch them.

    1. Show up at their house by 4 am

    They can’t escape anywhere.

    2. Hide in the boot of their car

    Let them take you to their office so that you can collect your money directly from their salary.

    3. Stalk them when they are going to the ATM

    Just collect all the money they withdraw.

    4. Steal all their clothes from the washing line

    If they want their clothes back, they should pay you your money

    5. Catfish them

    Enhee

    Then catch them on the first date. Money at first sight.

    6. Call them with a different number to tell them they’ve won promo

    Comedy Skit - Brother Shaggy, has a girl ever toasted you before.

    Then hold their trouser when they come to redeem the prize.

    Quick. Go read 5 Crazy Emotions You Feel When You Receive A Bank Alert.

    Olufemi Fadahunsi

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  • 15 Signs That Onigbese Is Never Returning Your Money

    Never lend a Nigerian an amount that would kill you to part with, because no one has ‘Onigbese’ written on their head. So, to help you move on, here are 15 signs that you are never seeing that money again.

    1. When you call to ask for your money and they’re like:

    Hay God! On top my own money?

    2. When they completely stop updating on social media.

    If you like delete all your accounts.

    3. When they start using God to swear.

    Don’t let God punish you.

    4. Onigbeses and “I didn’t see your missed call”

    Ode, how will you see?

    5. When they start acting brand new.

    You call them and they’ll be like, “Is there a problem?”

    6. When they always find a way to imply that they’re broke when they see you.

    Na so.

    7. When they ask if they can pay you in installments.

    5k now, 3k later, 2k on your death bed.

    8. When you message them on WhatsApp and they leave you on:

    See my life.

    9. When you ask them if they saw your message.

    Don’t let me swear for you.

    10. When they start telling you about money that will soon enter their account.

    I’ve heard you.

    11. Whenever they see you in public.

    See this one.

    12. When they start telling you about their family problems.

    Is that what I asked you?

    13. When they text you an epistle everytime you remind them about the money.

    Is this one mad?

    14. When they start reminding you of all the things they’ve done for you in the past.

    “Remember that time I bought you Tampico in JSS 2.”

    15. When they finally block you everywhere.

    Somebody wants to die.

    NerdEfiko

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