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Call us greedy, call us Oliver Twists, but over here, we believe whatever’s worth doing is worth doing well. LinkedIn might be a great career platform to access jobs and journal your achievements for the world to see, but we need them to pull on their big boy pants and realise it’s also the perfect dating app in the making.
Who really needs to know their potential partner’s height, beliefs and drug habits when with LinkedIn, you can find out if they’re a team player, great at communication or a top earner in their field. Here’s how to find the love of your life on the most professional app in existence.
Send a cold DM
As soon as you’ve scoured the app and found upward moving people to connect and lock lips with, slide right into their DMs like you would on Twitter.
Be the clown you are
Nothing’s funny right now, but how do you expect to find the love of your life on an app as serious as LinkedIn if you can’t even dangle the promise of bringing joy and laughter into their lives?
Spin tales
We know you’ve seen the tales by office lamp people tell on LinkedIn. The people spinning those tales don’t have two heads. Give yours a romantic twist and you’re all set.
Be in the comments
Believe it or not, you’re interviewing for the role of their Biggest Cheerleader, and they’ll need to know you’re a serious applicant. The only way to do this is to get your digital finger foam and reply all their tales with “Deep”, “Insightful”, “Such a pioneer” and more.
Work on your elevator pitch
Or as we like to call it in dating, flirting. You’ve sent cold DMs, and you’ve tarried in the comments. Don’t let all your effort go to waste simply because there’s nothing sweet about “You’re the sugar in my tea”.
Go through their recommendations
You can tell a lot about a person from the way their coworker (from that one internship they did in uni) speaks of them. Do they work like tomorrow will never come? Are they cultist aspirants who like their coffee black?
Take it to the streets
This just might be the most important of all. The connection you have online might be great, but what happens when you meet and they don’t look at you like the moon and stars shine out your eyeballs? What then?
Since your chances of finding boo in a typical Nollywood boy-jams-girl-on-the-road-and-they-fall-in-love style is practically zero (because you’ll never actually leave your house), you might as well make sure your online dating game is watertight.
Add these conversation starters to your arsenal and thank me with anything — except puff-puff, ew.
“Let’s hate Nigeria together”
A mutual dislike for Nigeria + japa plans = Happily ever after.
“What’s the worst opening line you’ve ever received?”
This could be a fun way to start a conversation around bizarre opening lines, plus you also get expo on things they don’t want to hear. PS: This may only work if the receiver already likes you.
You must have seen this coming. What better way is there to catch someone’s attention? But be careful o. If you try this without any money in your account, sorry is your name.
“If you could change cities, where would you go?”
Bonus points if they live in Lagos, because they’ll definitely be traumatised and ready to unload all the ways the city is killing them.
“Are you fuel? ‘Cause your type is hard to find”
They’ll either find you funny and want to keep talking or they’ll air you till infinity.
Use this for the ones that put “sapiosexual” on their bio. They’re the ones looking for stimulating conversation.
“I want to free you from capitalism”
It’s lowkey giving “come and be a house husband/wife” but at this point in my life, even I am open to it. Take care of me, boo.
“Wizkid’s Made in Lagos didn’t deserve album of the year”
Tell them that the Headies made a mistake and they’ll either come violently for you or agree with you. Either way, you’ll get a response and you can tell them how much you want to suck face with them.
“Plantain is bottom-barrel”
Again, a terrible opinion but it’ll catch attention because they’ll want to know why you have such rubbish taste.
Modern problems require modern solutions, and that’s why dating apps were born. To give people a chance to find love from the comfort of their homes. So, how then do you make sure you have the perfect profile on these dating apps?
Put your best foot forward
It’s a dating app and you’re trying to make a good impression, one that’s good enough to make a potential partner swipe right and start a conversation. Your first picture should be one that emphasises and showcases your best features.
Add enough pictures but never too much
Even if we’re shallow people, we don’t want to come off as too shallow. So put enough pictures, but never too much. You want to show that you’re confident in your looks but not obsessed. If you’re the maximum limit for pictures is 6, add 4. If the max is 4, add 3. Balance, baby.
Under no circumstance should you include pictures with other people in it. Nobody wants to swipe right and the first question they ask is, “Which one are you?” Let them know from the jump what they’re getting into.
Your pictures should showcase different aspects of your personality
If you listed in your bio that you like to travel, post a picture of you in a place you travelled to. It helps to strike up a conversation and really sells the whole “I am adventurous” vibe.
Don’t be one of those people that only post pictures and hope their fine face sells it. People won’t date a pretty face forever. Add things about yourself because it also helps you weed out the foolish people. At least you can guess your matches probably have somewhat similar beliefs and values.
Give people something to start a conversation with
Add things to your bio that can be interesting conversation starters. Favourite movie? Something you like to do? At least that way, you’re giving people a chance to start the conversation with something other than “hey”.
Ask a friend to go over it
Your friends know a lot about you, so once you’ve finished adding all the necessary information to your dating profile, ask a friend who you trust to go over it. Let them be your second eyes and help you point out things you might have missed or things that may need adjusting.
No matter how old you are, navigating the ups and downs of dating apps can be quite the chore. From endless swiping to the high likelihood of being catfished — and then the conversations that eventually go to die on WhatsApp — not a lot of people make it past the getting-to-know-you phase on the app. So when these 40+ men told us they actually found love on dating apps in the year of Beyoncé 2022, you know we had to get the full gist.
I met my girlfriend almost a year ago, after being on Tinder for about five months. My 17 year-old daughter had bullied me into signing upon the app as I’d been single since we lost her mum in 2009. I thought it was a funny app and I was judgmental of the people there because I just thought it reeked of desperation. However, all of this changed when I met Toyin, my girlfriend. She’s only a year younger than me and the best thing to have happened to me in such a long time. Would we have met randomly on the streets of Lagos? Well, we’ll never know now. But I’m so happy I took that leap of faith even though I was skeptical at first. It’s been a year and I don’t regret a thing. Let me tell you something: love is sweet.
“I was just looking for a good time and now I’m in a romantic one-chance” — Sheriff, 40
A relationship was the last thing on my mind when I came back to Nigeria for the holidays a few months ago. I’d been on dating apps for a while and for me, it was all about the sex — good time, not a long time. In Philadelphia, it worked well for me, so I thought I’d just do the same and have a bit of fun in Nigeria. That’s how I got here, opened a dating app and matched up with this babe in like a week. We met up for drinks and then I found myself hanging out with her every day after that. Imagine? All my Detty December plans in the mud because of a woman.
I don’t regret it though, she makes me so happy and I can’t imagine my life without her. I was supposed to go back in January, but my work is remote so I’m still here. I’ll have to go at some point, but for now, I’m happy and in love.
“My children and I give each other relationship advice” — Victor, 41
I met my girlfriend Pat about three years ago, in 2019. I’d been through a messy divorce just two years prior and I was scared to put myself out there again. Plus, my two boys moved in with me after their mum left the country. Deep down, I just wanted them to view me as a responsible single father, and I felt going on multiple dates would taint that image. After saying no to many matchmaking attempts from family, my younger brother convinced me to sign up for a dating app. Swiping left was difficult for me because I thought it was rude, but over time I got over it.
I met Pat around June that year and by the time the 2020 lockdowns started, we were living together. She gets me in a way that allows me to have space and just exist as my own individual. I love that; I needed that. My sons are dating as well and we have a group chat where we just talk about our relationship issues and try to figure out solutions.
“I’ve never been happier or more settled. He feels like home.” — Bassey, 45
Dating apps for queer people can be really tricky. We all know it’s dangerous because you could easily get tricked, harassed, extorted or worse, killed. But deep down, for most of us, it helps us deal with loneliness. I met my man on a popular queer hookup app. At the time, I was looking for sex, so we just became fuck buddies. People claim that catching feelings for your fuck buddy is common, but Jide wasn’t my first, so I don’t even know how it happened. We moved from sex to conversations to dates, and now we live together. I never saw myself as one of the commitment gays, but here I am in love and fully committed to one man. The funniest part is if he proposes today, I’ll probably say yes even though I know it’s not feasible .
“We work together, but we also met on a dating app” — Uzo, 43
My girlfriend and I currently work together, but we initially met on Tinder. I joined the app as a joke a while ago, but one thing led to another and I met this girl who just blew me away. I didn’t think it was going to be anything, I mean she’s like eight years younger than me and we have totally different interests, but something about the way we could talk for hours (I hate calls) pushed me to explore the potential. While figuring this out, her company acquired mine and now we’re colleagues. No one knows yet and that makes it even sexier. Are we in love? I don’t know. But I know we’re on a journey towards it and I’m so excited.
So you’ve decided to give dating apps a try; created your profile, added a bio and uploaded a flattering picture. Great. Maybe you can finally meet the love of your life after all.
Or not, depending on how great your conversation game is.
The koko is that if you don’t want to be unfortunate and get blocked faster than you can say “Ah”, then avoid these opening lines. They’re the ABSOLUTE WORST.
1. “Wyd?”
You couldn’t even bother to type in full. Haba. Please and please, you should only be sending this if you’re Bruno Mars.
2. “Hi, hey, hello, hai”
This is the laziest attempt ever. What is the person supposed to do with those?
3. “Can I know you?”
Just block yourself, because what is this? If e easy do am.
4. Anything that starts with “Am”
If the opening line starts with “Am”, forget you even matched.
5. “How are you?”
And all its variations. Except you want to go on a boring how-are-you-fine cycle, erase this question from your options.
6. “Wassup” or “Waxup”
Omo, the sky. Out of the hundred things you could start with, you choose this?
7. Emojis
Talk to the person direct, don’t go through emojis. Mind you, sending a smiley as your first message is outright creepy.
8. “Hi beautiful”
Later you’ll be wondering why you got aired. Dead the idea of “Hi dear” too. Both of them suck.
9. “Are you a lightbulb because I want to turn you on”
Okay, this is just a cheesy line no one will fall for. Try harder.
10. “Follow me on social media”
Why this? Don’t you know where they sell Instagram, Twitter or Snapchat followers?
11. “Sweet girl”
It’s you that’s bitter? This gives serious creepy uncle vibes.
12. “Where are you chatting from?”
The top of a tree. You’re just prying unnecessarily. If the convo kicks off, best believe they’d tell you eventually. Be calming down.
13. “Nice dp”
You probably repeat that to everyone you DM. Maybe, up your game?
14. “You look familiar”
Yes, because you’ve seen them like…NEVER. Even if you have seen them somewhere before, ehen? Tch.
15. “Can we meet up”
Come oh, before you type this as an opening line to someone you clearly do not know, dead the idea.
I had heard a lot of things about dating sites in Nigeria, so I joined six of them for this article. Turns out that they’re alright. While these aren’t Christian dating sites, if you’re an ardent believer, they fit the bill for most people.
All apps listed are LGBT friendly, but remember to stay safe.
1. Tinder
Tinder is by far one of the most popular dating platforms not just in Nigeria, but in the world. Although Tinder is a dating app, it is also a good place to find friends.
Signing up is pretty easy. All you have to do is download the app and fill in everything they ask for. You need to upload at least 2 photographs.
When picking a name, think properly because you can’t change it. Either that or I just couldn’t figure out how to change my name.
There is this wonderful feature that basically makes you invisible to numbers you’ve blocked on your phone.
You swipe right on people you like and left on those you don’t. In case you don’t like swiping, there are icons at the bottom for yes and no. Swiping is more fun though.
If someone you swipe right on swipes right on you too, it’s a match.
One of you has to message the other person within 24 hours or Tinder automatically unmatches you. If you mistakenly swipe the wrong thing on someone, you can go back to correct it, but if and only if you’re using the paid version of this app.
There’s a section to see who likes you, but you can’t view them unless you’re using the paid version.
You can make your location and gender invisible, but only if you pay. It seems there a quite a number of things you can’t do if you don’t pay.
Some people have blue ticks to show that they’re verified. That means they’re real people. Tinder didn’t make me go through any process to make sure the picture I used was really me – it wasn’t.
If you’re not feeling a match anymore, you can unmatch them. If they turn out to be super creepy or something like that, you can unmatch and report.
You can always delete your Tinder profile if you’re tired of the app or if you’ve found someone. You also have the option to pause your profile. Pausing your profile means your profile becomes invisible to people that you’re not already matched with till you unpause it.
I know everyone has different experiences on Tinder, but the people I met were nice and respectful. After I told them I was just there for work, they didn’t mind because they were apparently on Tinder to make friends. Well, except the guy who understandably unmatched me shortly after.
2.Bumble
Bumble is a super cool app. It is one of the dating sites in Nigeria, and I first heard about it from two of my friends. Women have to make the first move here. If you’re a man, you can’t start a conversation with a babe you matched with unless she texts you. If she doesn’t text you within 24 hours, sorry.
It also uses the swipe right for yes and left for no method. You can SuperSwipe to “make a bold first move” whatever that means. Bumble’s words, not mine.
You can’t change your name here either, so think carefully before picking a name. You can also delete and start over, but that seems like stress. Like Tinder, there’s a place for people who like you and you have to pay to see them.
Bumble allows you to send pictures, videos, GIFs, and voice notes which I think is nice. You can also do a voice call or a video call. You can link your Instagram and Spotify to your Bumble profile too if you feel like.
There’s this question game for women that don’t know what to say to break the ice. You can either select one of their questions or type yours in, and you’ll guess the answer while waiting for them to answer.
You have to verify yourself here so you can’t pretend to be someone else, or you’re not supposed to be able to do that. You’ll be asked to take a picture and it has to match with your profile picture.
I was using my friend’s picture (with her permission of course), so I saw that and thought “The jig is up”. My dears, the jig was not up at all. It’s either I’m The Many-Faced God or that process is a sham because I finally got through after about four tries. Mind you, we look nothing alike.
You can unmatch people here too if you’re not feeling them anymore. You can also block and report other users, and you’re free to delete your account whenever you want. Their version of pause is snooze.
Bumble gives you tips on dealing with rejection, safety tips, etc. I honestly didn’t open them, but I think it’s great that they’re there.
There’s this thing where you set your COVID preferences that I forgot to screenshot before deleting the app. They’ll ask you if you want your first meeting to be virtual or physical and things like that. You’ll have to go and check the rest yourself please.
All in all, it’s a pretty decent app and a good place to connect with people whether romantically or otherwise. They just need to get a more solid verification process.
3.Badoo
I had known about this platform for years, but I had no idea it was a dating site until recently. Like the other dating apps, people are not just there for romance. Some people are there to make friends too.
Download the app, fill in what they ask for and you’re good to go. Badoo also uses the swipe right for yes and swipe left for no method. They have icons at the bottom too for people who would rather not swipe.
You can send someone a crush to “stand out”.
You can chat with someone else even if you’re not a match. I discovered this because I saw a message icon on some profiles, and I clicked it for four profiles. I was asked for credits to talk to two of them, and I was asked to upgrade to talk to one. I managed to message the last person without doing any of those. I have no idea how they decide who you can talk to for free and who you need to upgrade to talk to.
Badoo also has a question game thing like Bumble, but you can only choose from the questions they provide. You can send pictures, voice notes, and make video calls. I don’t have screenshots because you apparently can’t screenshot chats.
There’s a section to see who likes you, but you have to pay like the rest.
Badoo makes you verify yourself and I managed to pass this process even though I used another friend’s picture. Don’t worry, he said it was okay. You people I got through immediately. I know I kind of look like a guy, but come on.
It’s like they don’t want you to leave their app because they asked me 734 things before I could finally delete my account. I understand them wanting to make sure you don’t delete your account by mistake, but these people are actually trying to keep you there.
Apart from the almost hostage situation and the fact that I scaled through their verification process very easily, it appears to be a good app to connect with other people.
4. OkCupid
This app wants you to sign up using your Facebook account, although it also provides an option for you to sign up using other methods like your email address and phone number.
Once you’re done signing up, you then start to create a profile. The app takes you through requests like your name, age, location, and quite a number of options for nonbinary users.
Also, just so nobody wastes your time, the app allows you to specify what you’re looking for. So, if you’re looking for hookups, friendships, short-term dating, long-term relationships, or even non-monogamous relationships, you’re good.
You’ll also be providing a short self-summary, after which you’ll take a short quiz. Don’t vex, it’s not like Zikoko’s quizzes, but it’ll help you find love.
Finding people you like is also quite simple. There’s a section called double take, which is pretty much like Tinder’s swipe-right-or-left page. You swipe left to pass, and you swipe right to show your interest. The main difference here is that you don’t have to pay to undo a left swipe like you would on Tinder.
5. Zoosk
Zoosk is another dating app that’s quite popular around the world, and it works in Nigeria too. Here’s how it works: When you first log onto the app, you can decide to create an account with your email address, your Facebook account, or your google account. Unlike other sites, the good thing about Zoosk is that they’re not stressing your life with JAMB questions right from the start. Instead, you’ll only be filling out the things that are standard dating app info: Your name, age, location, preferences, and so on. They also make you pick a username sha. If you don’t know what to use, or you’re coming up with usernames like “AdeTiger”, they’ll give you one.
Another good thing about Zoosk is the fact that it offers profile verification, allowing you to ensure that you’re chatting with a real authentic person and not a bot or a catfish. If a profile is verified, you can easily tell by looking at the person’s profile. You’ll see a green check mark that indicates that this person has been photo-verified.
6. eHarmony
This app is actually kind of old but only recently started attracting attention among young people in Nigeria. The app is free to download and use, at least to a certain point. There’s also a paid version that costs about $60 but that’s none of your business because like Ayra Star said, love don’t cost a dime.
The only place you’ll taste small wahala is in the profile-building process. They seem to take the process of finding love more seriously because they know laziness is probably one of the things that made you look for a dating app in the first place.
After the normal name, email, and location questions you start to build your profile. A barrage of questions then appears at this point. First, eharmony asks you how many children you have followed by your age and religious affiliation. They won’t let you choose “Agnostic” or “Atheist” though. Instead, what you get is “Neither religious nor spiritual”.
After this, you move to the essay portion where you answer questions like “What do you like to do in your leisure time?”, or “What are the three things you’re thankful for?”. The funny part is that you can’t move on to the next stage without providing answers to these questions.
Free users can only view members who the app deems them most compatible with. If you want access to a wider range of matches, you have to subscribe. The free version also limits you to “favourite” -ing profiles, sending “Icebreaker” multiple choice questions, and seeing if you have any “mutual favourites” (people you’ve expressed interest in who have also signalled they are into you). To actually communicate with anyone, you have to pay up, which the app prompts you to do whenever you hit a wall.
Using dating apps is a total gamble and a humbling experience. If you ever plan on downloading a dating app, here are 8 types of men you will find there. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
1. The one that is serious about marriage
This man is there for one reason only: to find a wife. His bio tells you immediately — Richard 34, Christian, doesn’t drink or smoke, is conservative (in Nigeria?), wants kids, works at a good job, followed by three pictures of him in the same outfit and one either at his office, with his mum or his nephews. Of all the types of guys you’d find on dating apps, he is surprisingly the least annoying.
2. The one that is there for good vibes
This guy is not there for anything serious, he goes straight to the point and tells you that he wants to hook up soon. if it’s a no, he immediately blocks you, no time to waste time and you should be happy because he is definitely a creative. Honestly, everyone should aspire to perspire to be as honest as he is. He is here for a good time, not a long time and that itself is a fine art to master.
3. The one that thinks he is on 2go
His name is something silly like Mr Pwesh23. He kills every conversation you try to have with him with his one-worded replies and answers simple questions in the most stupid ways for someone that has “If you are boring, swipe left” in his bio. If you see this guy and you will, do yourself a favour and avoid him because next thing you know, he’d want to hook up.
4. The one that tells you nothing about himself
Yes boo, give us nothing. You’d be lucky if he has pictures of himself at all, and when he does, it won’t be clear. As for his bio? It’ll be empty. You’d find yourself wondering if he created a profile by mistake, he almost makes the 2go guy look good.
5. The travel agent
You can’t tell if this guy is doing yahoo or if he’s just rich and likes travelling a lot. He has the flags of every single country he has ever visited in his bio, and he’s always looking to meet people in whatever new city he finds himself in. In his bio, he lets you know that what he wants in a partner is someone willing to travel the world with him.
6. The one that got away
There’s no better way to describe this guy, his bio is unproblematic, he is gorgeous and has values and ideals that match with yours but your brain and fingers have other plans and now you swiped left and you might never see him again, pele.
7. The sugar daddy
He immediately lets you know that he wants to take care of you and spoil you, he also talks about how much he likes sex so that you know that he isn’t looking for a second wife. Unlike the one that is looking for marriage, he doesn’t add pictures of his wife and kids, and whatever age he puts in his bio, you should add 10 to it.
8. The one that is on a dating app looking for friends
The worst thing about meeting shitty guys on dating apps are these types of guys. He genuinely isn’t looking for a relationship at all but the problem is, he is one of the very few decent ones on the app, at least you found a friend so maybe that’s something.
9. The fitness instructor
It can only go two ways with this guy, he either has pictures of his abs everywhere or enough fitness motivational quotes in his bio to rival a yahoo boy. This guy only has pictures of himself at the gym and works at self-employed. If you are lucky, there will be a shirtless mirror selfie for you to look at.
10. The yahoo boy
These guys win the championship cup as the worst types of guys on dating apps, mostly because they are there to catfish. Sure there’s a white guy called Greg Chapman that finished from Harvard but is living in Oshodi or Becca who is a flight attendant that lives in Shomolu. One point for the ridiculous lies sha. E for effort.
There is a growing number of dating apps available to Nigerians living in Nigeria. In this article, three Nigerian women talk about using dating apps.
Dami, 27
I downloaded Bumble a few months ago. This is my first time using a dating app. I chose Bumble because my friend told me that the app is designed to make women make the first move. It’s also an inclusive app — I was able to indicate that I like both men and women on my profile. Sometimes, I forget I have Bumble on my phone and I miss people’s messages.
So far, I have met some pretty cool people and had a couple of dates as well. I met a guy I liked and things are going well but he has a girlfriend. We have had sex but I am afraid of catching feelings for someone that’s already committed to someone else. I have a date with a woman in a few weeks and I hope that works out fine.
IB, 23
I was on tinder for two years, off and on. It was a fun experience. It exposed me to different kinds of men, some I didn’t even know existed. I first joined during the Christmas holidays in 2018. That’s when all the IJGB’s (I just got back) are around. I went on dates, texted a lot of people and I thought I had found the one so many times.
I deactivated my account during Christmas in 2019. During the pandemic, I downloaded it again and I was almost addicted to it. That’s when I met a lot of crazy men. There was this guy that asked for my number as soon as we swiped right. He insulted me when I refused to give it to him. He unmatched me after. Werrey.
There was a time where Tinder allowed you to change your location to any country. I spoke to people from the Netherlands and South Africa. I found someone who lived streets away from me. I made a friend with someone in an open relationship. I met an old classmate. I even saw my ex-boyfriend on Tinder. All these relationships have faded to hellos here and there.
I don’t consider tinder connections as real. We’re all just disposable cups. Use when you need. Discard when you’re done. I’m done with Tinder for now and I am seeking to make actual connections.
Nene, 23
I stayed away from dating apps because of how the ways they can be misused but last year, I was bored and I decided to sign up for one. I met a couple of cool people but I could sense the relationships were going to be a hit and move so I deleted the app. I’m looking for love the old fashioned way now.
There are apps for just about everything these days, and for obvious reasons, dating apps are among the most used. So we got four Nigerians to talk to us about their experiences using dating apps.
Modestus, 28, Straight.
The best part about using Tinder was the ease of matching up and getting to talk with people around me with similar interests. The weirdest thing was realising just how many people were open to meeting for random sex.
I mean, it’s fine but people in Lagos are mad. Before you’ll find yourself in a shrine inside a bush. I got tired of saying, “Hey” and getting the reply, “Shey you’re fucking or you’re not fucking?”
Also, I met a white woman in her mid-twenties who wanted me to treat her like a dog and organise a bunch of guys to, and I quote, “breed” her. I confirmed she was legit on WhatsApp, but she pulled back before I could get over the shock. She was very specific about wanting everything to happen in a dirty motel.
Rebecca, 24, Straight.
I’ve actually had a great experience with Tinder. I enjoy meeting new people, so it’s like being in a grocery store — there are so many options. Plus, once the conversation goes left, it’s easy to ghost. I also love that people I am not interested in cannot message me, but I hate that random people in my area can see my profile .
I once took an Uber and the driver kept asking if I was an influencer, which I am not, so I was so confused. At a random time during the ride, he yelled, “Tinder. Na there I see your face”. I wanted to enter the seat. He went on to ask me, “So you don find boyfriend, abi make I message you after?” I hid my profile for a couple weeks after that because omo.
Somi, 19, Pansexual.
The best thing about using dating apps was that it allowed me to express myself more freely than I’ve ever been able to. Online dating sites allow me to connect with people anywhere, and at any time I like. The weirdest thing I discovered on dating sites was that when people find out that I am trans, they struggle or I get outrightly blocked. To them, I am no longer the person they thought I was, to them I’ve deceived and tricked my way into them finding me attractive. If they’d only known, then they’d never have messaged or swiped right so I am to blame?
Itohan, 19, Bisexual.
The best part is getting to meet people. I don’t know how to just meet people, so dating apps helped with that. I especially like that I get to meet people without leaving my house and spending my money. Not until I decide I want to.
The weirdest thing about it is that people are violently anti-sex-worker and it annoys me and my homegirls. The worst part about dating apps is men. They’re so weird. Like, the comments they make or feel comfortable making because they hide behind a screen is just disgusting.
If you’ve ever been on a dating site, you’d find yourself exposed to a myriad of humans who are just as horny as you are. One constant is the presence of foreigners on these sites. Which leads us to the 6 types of foreigners you are bound to meet on any dating site.
1. The normal foreigner
These are the good ones that want to chill and have coffee with you. They are very normal and can carry on a conversation pretty well. Their names are ultra-simple like “Jon” “Mac” or “Leo”. However, conversations with them burn out fast because they are so boring.
2. The Family guy
Always in his 40s with photos of him living his best life away from his family. Always eager to tell you about his family and their dog, Jessie. He will politely tell you that he’s been feeling lonely and desires your company while he’s in your country. Yoruba men have nothing on the family guy.
3. The overly sexual foreigner
The first conversation with them usually has some weird statement like “I can tell you have great nipples from your smile.” Don’t get me started on the Indians or Lebanese men who would outrightly ask you to show them your “vagena”. Alexa play “I want to put you in 7 positions in 70 minutes.“
4. The traveller
Any account that has so many country flags in their bio is a traveller. They are always so exotic with their photos of cafes in different countries. Problem is, they want to know where you’ve travelled to and apparently, you village doesn’t count.
5. The chocolate goddess seeker
There are foreigners who like the idea of black women. They will come at you with praises of the smoothness of your caramel, chocolate skin. Hailing you like a goddess and making claims to want to worship you. Honestly, they are just looking for exotic sex but what they don’t know is that you become a quadriplegic during sex. Ojoro cancel ojoro.
6. The catfish
Any foreigner you see in an army uniform, know that their base is in Ikorodu or one GRA house in Benin city. The catfish foreigners are so wild. If you are here serving your country, why do you need 50k from me to deliver a gift to me?
I’ve always been terrified of dating apps. I’ve seen way too many horror movies, which means that the idea of not really knowing who’s on the other side of that too-good-to-be-true profile scares the hell out of me. So in an attempt to help fight (what has been described as) my irrational fear, I downloaded the dating app called Tinder, just to test the waters.
I deleted the app an hour later. The whole thing was just too much.
Anyway, here’s some stuff I learned during my brief time in the super weird world of online dating. Basically, a list of red flags I noticed.
1) Run from the people that say that they’re into “matured minds”or refer to themselves as “Sapiosexual.”
Because more often than not, they’re as dumb as a bag of wet hair. They only put it there because they somehow found out what it means and want to signal intelligence but do the exact opposite by writing shit like, “Am a sapiosexual.“
2) Run from people who say anything along the lines of, “Go straight to the point and don’t waste my time.”
Because unlike you, who is probably there looking for a potential soul mate, this person is there to hook up. Now, this isn’t a bad thing, it’s just good to know so you don’t waste your own time.
3) Run from people that are offering “massages with happy endings.“
Erotic massages are glorious (SO I’VE HEARD), but know that the people on dating apps offering this aren’t doing it for free. If you decide to meet with one of them, you WILL be parting with money before you get your “happy ending.”
4) Run from profiles containing pictures of white people whose their locations tell a different story.
Like the one that has a picture of a white woman posing in front of a Walmart but her location says “University of Ado Ekiti.” Everything about this scenario I just described signals that there is treachery afoot.
Stay woke.
5) Run from people who have a group photo as their only photo.
Because you’ll never know which one of them in the picture is the person you’re talking to, and you’ll never know until you meet them in person. Is that a risk you’re willing to take?
6) Run from people who keep insisting you come visit them.
