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The subject of today’s What She Said is a 22-year-old woman who is really close to hating her dad. She talks about him making her mother’s life difficult, being uncaring, and being denied basic things because he’s petty.
What’s the earliest memory of your childhood?
It was this time when my dad yelled at my mum. They had a fight and I saw her crying so I went to meet him, told him I was upset and he should apologise to my mum. He did. I was really young then. Like 5.
My dad has multiple POS stalls run by people he employed. Before he started the POS business, he had a cow farm, ice block and concrete block industry, a small restaurant, and still had a corporate job. These are the things I could remember. They were way more. He gives money to outsiders, it’s just when it comes to me, my mum and four younger siblings that there is a problem. It would be a different thing if I wasn’t old enough to witness what it was like when my mum’s business was doing well and she fully had it covered. She wasn’t rich, but nobody could say we didn’t have what we needed amongst our peers, but that was so long ago. Her shops got robbed twice, so it was back to square one.
Why do you think he listened to you and apologised?
My dad likes his kids when they’re super young. It’s when you start to having a mind of your own and challenging him that the fighting begins. Like now, the last two kids are the ones currently enjoying his attention. I won’t say I started rebelling against my dad at a particular time. I had a sharp mouth, so from the beginning, I got reprimanded a lot.
But this was okay. People liked me, and I was a smart child, so he used to boast about me. My contact with him increased in SS3 because then I had to start asking for all my shit directly and from then it’s been hell.
Why did you have to start asking him for things?
I used to ask my mum, but the friction between me and my dad is nothing compared to the one between him and my mama. I’m sure she has high blood pressure because of him. So I honestly would rather ask him directly than have her begging him on my behalf for anything. It’s too stressful.
So how did asking him for things work out for you?
You prepare a speech sort of. Then, you prepare yourself to hear any and everything. Ranging from him telling me to ask my mother, to the fact that I have siblings and should be considerate. If he then gives you, it might be half of what you asked for after you’ve cried into your pillow for like three days and maybe once to his face.
It’s exhausting, this ass-kissing. So I try not to ask him for things. I tell him every time I have to that he should know I’m coming to him as a last resort because I don’t like how he’ll talk. It doesn’t mean anything to him that he’s always my last resort. I actually don’t get that bit. It’s weird that it doesn’t bother him. My mum says we should be used to it by now, but it’s a lot to get used to.
He’s also very petty, so he might not give you what you’re asking before because you might have done something to him in the past.
How do you cope?
I don’t. I have a job, so I don’t have to ask him for things often. I pay for small things at home too if I get frustrated. Like buy fuel, pay bills etc.
My siblings are not so lucky. So it’s somehow. I want to save, but I feel guilty for doing it because my siblings need assistance. Thank God for friends. They help me emotionally, mentally and financially to be honest.
No, it’s for me. I’m trying not to make it out to be like I’m working for them. I’m a child too. I don’t want to grow up and regret not doing right by myself or feel like it’s their fault I deprived myself of things because somebody had more kids than they could handle. It’s for me.
I just want to be able to buy what I want, buy meds when I need them and eat what I crave once in a while.
What’ll make life easier for you?
I don’t know. A miracle? My mum somehow getting to actually start a business without my dad making her spend her capital and consequently failing? Me figuring out what I can learn that’ll earn me significant money? Or the system in Nigeria suddenly working? I don’t know. Every day I want to have a shit load of money because I know it’ll solve half my problems, but almost every other day I simply don’t want to exist so I don’t have to think about any of these things at all. I want to either figure shit out or stop this life thing. There’s no part of this that isn’t exhausting: I’m doing a lot, but it’s not enough.
Your mum’s capital; why does she spend it?
It’s long. She used to work in a different city and when her transfer to the city we lived in was taking too long, my dad made her quit because he couldn’t take care of us alone. Then she heard two of my siblings were admitted to the hospital because they fell sick. She didn’t need much convincing after that. After her shops got robbed twice, she had to start from the bottom again.
He wants her to carry her own bit, pay for stuff and all that but business will not have started and he’s already shedding bills. Whenever she starts a business, my dad stops paying bills at home so she ends up spending her capital. One time, on the day she started a new business, he asked her which responsibility she wanted to handle.
What’s your relationship with him like now?
I haven’t spoken to him in two weeks, and I prefer it like this. It’ll cause problems when we eventually talk, but he’s not a person you should be around often if you want to be healthy. I can’t be around him for two days and not cry, and I’m not a crier. Not even when Yoruba men break my heart.
My mum used to hide to cry because she didn’t want to influence how we saw our dad or treated him, but I have eyes. There was a time my dad’s friend accused her of influencing how we acted with him, but I cleared him so I know we wouldn’t be hearing from him any time soon. My mum is far from perfect, but I won’t let anyone say rubbish about her.
I don’t even think my dad realises we don’t like him. He compares himself to fathers who don’t do anything for their kids and wants us to think we’re lucky because he paid our school fees after we’ve cried and cried.
I don’t think I hate my dad, but I’m slowly getting there.
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The subject of today’s What She Said is a 19-year-old who blames her dad’s ill-treatment for her attraction to older men. She talks about finding out he was cheating, growing up very poor, and her dad’s financial abuse.
Tell me a memory from your childhood
When I was six, I found out my dad was cheating on my mum. I was going through his phone when I found out he was talking to a lot of women and sending them money. I ran to show my mum and she told me not to tell him I saw it. There were other times he cheated, but she never seemed bothered by it. He would send these women money but told us he had no money. I didn’t go to school in my JSS 1 third term and JSS 2 first term and my siblings also missed 2 years of school simply because we were doing badly financially — and it was all his fault.
How?
He had come into millions of naira and lied to us that he hadn’t been paid for his contract. When the thing he used the money to do backfired, he convinced my mum to sell her land and then went behind her back to collect the money. The buyers gave him the money because he was the head of the house. My mum, not wanting any fight, gave them the papers. We sold her car and went to the state he was in. That’s when we found out everything. We were piss poor for the two years that followed. So poor that we were using ₦500 to feed a family of six daily. We’re in a better place financially, but he’s still an occasional asshole.
He doesn’t do anything for the family except give us money that is not enough for us to survive. He gives my mum ₦10,000 every month to feed five people and it’s from that same money she manages to buy some stuff for my siblings. He only recently started giving me and my siblings 1 or 2k here and there because we got into a huge fight last year.
What caused the fight?
I had gone to Lagos to write post UTME and he didn’t give us enough money. He was supposed to send more on the way back, but he didn’t so my mum and I had to stop in Ibadan because that’s how far the money carried us. She called someone she used to talk to when we lived in Ibadan and begged the person to let us stay the night. The next day, my dad sent money. When we got home, he was unusually silent. Then he said I was covering for my mum who went to see her boyfriend in Ibadan.
Ah? What did your mum say?
Nothing. My mum is a stay-at-home wife and suffers from financial abuse. She doesn’t come from a well to do family and her parents are dead. Her siblings are too busy trying to survive to pay attention to one another. We’ve never lived in one place for too long, so she doesn’t have any friends. I’m basically her only friend, so all she does is endure. She can’t just leave with four children.
Sometimes if we do something my dad doesn’t like, he blocks us everywhere and doesn’t send us money. This year, my mum wanted to attend the burial of a family member and my dad didn’t let her go. He didn’t give her money the weeks leading up to event. Why? Because a family friend was going to be there, and he’s convinced the man is my mum’s ex. When she confronted him about it, he called her siblings and was insulting them for putting ideas in her head and said he’d return her to them. After that, he sent her a very insulting message and blocked all of us for about two weeks. The blocking is easy for him to do because we don’t live in the same house. We haven’t lived together for most of my life.
Watching all the things my dad did to my mum really affected my relationship with him. Plus, it’s not like he treats me any better. This year, he brought up schooling abroad. Given the fact that I had dropped out because of some issues with school, I wasn’t in a place to refuse but I genuinely didn’t believe him. He’s too selfish to make such a commitment. My mum, however, told me to go along with it. Everything was going fine and I actually started to believe it’d happen. I fixed my bank issues, got my NIN done, renewed my passport, wrote an exam, and even started the application process for the school. Then one day he came home and said he changed his mind. He didn’t give me any concrete reason, just that the country I planned on going to gave him bad vibes.
There are countries with worse vibes than Nigeria?
According to him, this one was. He said we should try another country and in the middle of that, he sent a message to my mum about how he couldn’t afford it and how I’m ungrateful. It was so strange because I was on my own when he mentioned travelling abroad. It was later when I went with him to meet the travel agent I found out the real reason.
He and his agent were talking in Yoruba and he doesn’t know I understand Yoruba. The two of them discussed the potential of me becoming wayward abroad and how it’d be better for me to go when I’m older so if anything happened, I’d be able to get married.
It’s okay. It’s strange how we used to be pretty close when I was younger. Now I hate him, but I also don’t. Maybe it is some sort of Stockholm syndrome. I only like older men now because I keep looking for home outside. I keep searching for what he didn’t give me. I am very relationship hungry, but I don’t know how they work because I haven’t really had a proper model to look at . I’ve been alone a lot of my life. I feel like a burden and it leads to me shutting down a lot. I am tired of him and having to deal with all of it all.
I’m sorry
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The subject of this week’s What She Said is a 24-year-old woman who is a middle child. She talks about seeking attention growing up, and her strained relationship with her father.
What’s your earliest memory of your childhood?
I crashed my older sister’s birthday. I was in Primary One, and it was December. I told my parents that I wanted to celebrate my birthday the same day my sister was celebrating hers. I threw a tantrum until they got me my own cake and gifts on that day.
In January, which is my birth month, I wanted them to celebrate my birthday again. They ignored me.
Why did you do that, and wasn’t your sister angry?
I was being dramatic for attention. I thought my sisters were more awesome than I was. I love them and they’re my best friends in the world, but I felt I needed to stand out in some way.
My big sister was trying to be good, so she just accommodated me.
Does this mean you were constantly getting your way as a child?
I won’t say I was getting my way all the time. My parents realised that if I wanted something, I would throw a tantrum, so my mum started ignoring me. It was harder for my dad to do so because, unfortunately, I am his favourite.
Why is it unfortunate?
My dad and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things like feminism, charity work, mental health issues. All of those things are a big part of who I am and who I am becoming. Being his favourite child is like mixing two separate things together.
He’s on the African dad side of things. Like on mental health, he believes that if there is nothing physically wrong with you, then you are absolutely fine. There was a time he took me out on a drive. I don’t know how to drive, and when you put me behind the wheel, I get panic attacks. I kept trying to communicate with him that I couldn’t do it because of my anxiety, but he told me to stop speaking “big big English”. When my breathing became laboured, he said to “stop that nonsense” and just drive.
The moment he said that, I couldn’t breathe anymore. That was how I was till I got home.
Doesn’t this affect your relationship?
It does. I don’t feel like I can come to him when I am not mentally sound. I have had a lot of panic attacks recently, and I wanted to ask him to please pay for therapy for me, but he wouldn’t do that.
I think he notices the strain in our relationship, but he doesn’t know how to address it. Instead, he goes out and buys me my favourite snacks. It has been like that since I was a child. When I was sad, he would buy me food I liked. It was also his olive branch.
However, as I’ve grown older, I’ve realised that things are different. Our relationship is getting to a point where it wouldn’t survive if I become financially independent. I don’t want it to be that way because since we lost our mum, he’s the only one my sisters and I have.
I understand. How did that affect your relationship with your dad?
While my mum was alive, she used to be the buffer between my dad and my sisters. She never allowed us to feel the full range of the emotions he carried and his behaviour.
When she died, we were exposed to all of those feelings, and it was hard. It still is.
Do you ever think your sisters were jealous of your relationship with your dad?
I won’t say they were jealous. They were just aware of the situation. I mean, I get away with a whole lot more than my older sister. Also, they were the ones that pointed out I was dad’s favourite before I even realised and accepted it.
My sisters and I are very close. They know everything about me, and I know everything about them. We back each other up. If I didn’t have other friends in the world, and it was just my sisters and I, I would be fine.
What do you think will make your relationship with your dad better?
I think moving away. If I move away and start to make a living, I can insulate myself enough to accept him the way he is without it affecting my life and well being. Therapy might also help as well.
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On most Father’s Days, we’re often drowned in the deluge of stories about fathers and their failings. For this year’s Father’s Day, I wanted people to talk about their favourite things about their fathers. I hope these stories warm your heart as much as they warmed mine.
Dupe
My favourite thing about my dad is that he’s always there to support me, even when I make mistakes. I recently had a revenge porn issue with my ex-boyfriend and my dad was super supportive. He had the guy picked up and dealt with and he didn’t judge me at all. He just listened and gave me advice. me. We might fall out sometimes but I’m always glad he’s my father.
Damilola
The relationship with my Dad isn’t so great because I’m not the ideal child. I’m always getting into trouble and most times, I disappoint him. Despite this, he’s always there for me, no matter what I’ve done. He shows up for me when I get in trouble, time and time again. He probably thinks I hate him or I’m spoilt but I really do love him and I hope I can get the opportunity to tell him how much he means to me. Our conversations these days are usually him complaining about something I’ve done but one day, I’ll be brave enough to tell him.
Sonia
My favourite thing about my dad is him calling him his little princess. I don’t let anyone call me a princess or anything, but I’m his princess, for real.
Alma
My dad just died in January. I think the most amazing thing about him was his big heart. He’d give everything to see the next person happy and strong. There’s this one time I was sick and I needed to be treated abroad. He was also pretty sick, but he gave up all the money just so I’d get treated by the best doctors.
Tola
My dad is my best friend. As far back as nursery school, he’s always been involved in our lives. He’s not the conventional dad who just pays school fees and ghosts. He remembers and buys us gifts on our birthdays, checks in on our academics and even cooks for us. When I failed JAMB and GCE, he didn’t get mad or even tell me my result in order not to let it depress me. He’s very intentional about our lives and I couldn’t ask for a better father.
Rotimi
My favourite thing about my dad is his huge sense of duty and responsibility. He is dependable, not just to his immediate family. He taught me that it’s very possible to be best friends with your wife even into old age. He’s the one that (still) shows up at the stepping down spots; if he was heading out in the evening, he would always ask her if she wanted to come along. I’ve never heard him yell at my mum or hurl an insult at her. A role model in that regard.
Johnson
My dad is an OG. He knows what he wants and goes for it. We’ve not had the best relationship, which is mostly my fault, but I know I can always count on him.
Betini
It’s my dad’s sense of humour, for me. He can turn anything into a joke, no matter how bad it is. He might shout at me and piss me off, but he breaks into a laugh right after and you’re thinking, “this man is not serious.” Even when you think you’re angry with him, you can’t stay mad for long because by the time he says something and starts laughing, you’ll not see the point of staying angry sef.
Matthew
My dad’s a lecturer in my department and the one thing I really like is his ability to balance his work-son relationship. He’s my gist partner when I want to talk about women despite being one of the strictest lecturers I know.
[donation]
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What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.
“Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.
The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Moboluwaduro, a doctor. He talks to us about his plans to spoil his mum and struggling to pay his first house rent. Additionally, he tells us how observing his dad showed him that people express affection differently.
When did you get your “Man now” moment?
I feel like I’ve generally been privileged because I wasn’t rushed into becoming “a man”. When I finished my first degree in Basic medical science, I went back to medical school. In a way, I kept asking myself if I was going to medical school because I wanted to be a doctor or if I wanted to be shielded a little more from growing up.
The first time I got hit with the reality of being a man was when I finished housemanship — a compulsory one year service medical graduates undergo in the hospital. I suddenly went from having a well-paying job and a hospital-provided apartment to hustling for a job and trying to figure out how to pay rent.
That’s when the bubble burst.
For the duration of my housemanship, I’d saved up ₦500,000 to rent an apartment in Lagos. After going around for two to three weeks, it dawned on me that I had fucked up. As someone who’s always prepared for anything, I was rudely shocked when I realised that my one-year savings couldn’t pay rent.
When my eyes cleared, I SOSed my mum and was like, “Mummy, send help.” Through the efforts of my mum, combined with a loan from a friend is how I eventually paid the rent of my first apartment.
Damn.
I didn’t have money for furnishing after I moved in, so my sitting room was empty. Thankfully, I got a job. An aunt here came through, another friend here came through, and I was finally able to set up the house. It took me nine months to find my feet. The post housemanship phase was a life-changing event that showed me “real life.”
I’m sorry.
Nah, it’s fine. I’ve come a long way from then, and while I’m not a pro at this adulting business, I remind myself that I’m not doing badly. At least I stay in my own apartment and I now pay my rent without any assistance. LMAO.
LOL. What did you learn from your house-hunting experience?
House-hunting in Lagos teaches you how challenging it is to be a young adult in Nigeria. How can it be legal for landlords to expect you to have almost a million naira to pay rent for like two years? When you compare other countries where rent is monthly versus our lump-sum system, you start to see how cruel the system is on young people trying to find their feet.
I also learnt that there’s mad corruption in this country. If a professional who’s supposed to be relatively comfortable is struggling, it shows that cost of living doesn’t match income levels. I suspect that illegal money in the possession of a select few has inflated housing costs and made life more difficult for honest earners.
The whole house hunting experience made me feel poor and helpless. I kept asking, “How do people who don’t earn as much as doctors fare?”
Bro! Does this reality scare you?
Yes, it does. There’s the worry that people may come for you because they feel you’re better off than them.
I’m actually scared of being outside my house past 7 p.m. I grew up in the relatively sleepy town of Ijebu-Ode where 7:30 p.m. counted as getting home late. And I also grew up hearing about how unsafe Lagos was. Add low income and high cost of living to my fears, and suddenly, my anxiety makes sense.
I feel you. Do you have any other fears?
I’m scared of my mum dying before I have enough time to do big man things for her. I do things for her in my own little way, but I want to really spoil her; I want her to ask for x amount while I send her 3x the amount.
Energy oh.
Lool. My mum has been there for me every step of the way and has supported me through everything I’ve done in life. No one can want good for you more than your parents. There’s nothing I’ve asked my mum for that she didn’t find a way to provide.
If my mother saved all the money she spent on her children, she’d probably be a multimillionaire by now. That’s why I won’t feel accomplished until I can properly spoil her.
Love it. Do you feel the same way about your dad?
My dad is reserved and a man of few words. Also, he was constantly shuttling between Ijebu-Ode and Lagos for work, so this made conversations sparse. I guess it’s easier to gush about my mum because we spent a lot of our formative years with her.
Overall, I’m not worried because my mum takes care of my dad. Taking care of her guarantees I’m also taking care of my dad.
Neat. Did your dad’s reserved attitude have any impact on the type of man you grew up to become?
As reserved as my dad is, I know he’ll give me a kidney if I need one. I remember that every Sunday, my dad would put us on his laps and cut our fingernails and toenails. He’d also never finish his food without giving the kids meat from his plate. I came to understand that he wasn’t cold, but just affectionate in his own way. I mean it’d have been nicer if he was more expressive with his emotions, but I understand that he’s a product of his upbringing.
I like to think that I’m an antithesis of my dad because I wear my emotions on my sleeves.
Observing my father showed me that the fact that someone doesn’t express themselves the way you want doesn’t necessarily mean they’re cold. It just means that they show love differently.
How does wearing your emotions on your sleeves play out for you?
It’s going quite well. Being myself has allowed me to attract like-minded people. With my friends — both male and female — I try to be vocal about my feelings. I don’t want to die and my friends are unsure about how I feel about them. I understand this behaviour is definitely not what society expects of me as a man, but I’m an open book. I’m now 30+, it’s too late to fight who I am.
Do people tell you to act like a man/man up?
I used to hear it a lot while I was growing up. One of the beauties of adulthood is that growing older gives you a tougher skin and the words people say have less power to hurt you.
You have to be unapologetically who you are. You must not allow someone’s opinion or definition of who you are hold you back.
Mum, Dad, I hope you’re reading this?
Lol.
How do you define your masculinity?
I don’t. I like to believe that I’m self-aware enough to be my own person. This knowledge is why I don’t subscribe to certain notions of masculinity.
I cry when I get frustrated. Some people see crying as a sign of weakness, but I’ve found that crying helps me relieve frustrations. Crying doesn’t stop me from pursuing my goals because as I’m crying, I’m still putting one leg in front of the other.
I feel like I’m a complete person, so I don’t bother putting labels and expectations on masculinity.
Interesting. What do you think is different about being a man in Nigeria?
Your recognition as a man is tied to your ability to provide. If you can’t do that, you’re not counted as a man. If you have money, your experience as a man in Nigeria is 70% easier because everyone respects and treats you differently. I think this is the reason why men spiral when they get into situations where they can no longer provide. They understand, subconsciously, what’s at stake.
I’m curious about your role models for what it means to be a man.
Weirdly enough, I don’t think I have anyone. All in all, I always want to be a nicer and better model of my previous self. I know the things I want and I’m always open to change, so I don’t put any one person on a pedestal. I add and remove from people’s traits as I find them useful to me.
To be honest, the only “role model” I want to be is to be successful. After all, people say that money is the bicycle of the gospel.
Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.
What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.
“Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to ‘be a man’ from the perspective of the subject of the week.
The subject of today is Pelumi, a pharmacist and a tutor. He talks about his great relationship with his dad, how his strained relationship with his mum affects his romantic relationship and why men can’t really choose to be stay at home dads.
When did you first realise that you were a man?
I was 16.
I cut my brother’s hair with scissors so my dad beat me. I remember he told me that actions have consequences. That incident made me wonder if I’d ever become a responsible person. I was afraid. Like how would I be doing this and one day, I’d be called daddy. I realised that a man has to be responsible because there’s no other choice and it informed my idea of what it means to be a man.
Interesting.
I thank God for the beatings and talk because I for don spoil. It’s wild that all the beating no pass wetin Folake do me.
Who’s that?
Folake! The first girl that chopped my eye.
Lmao. What?
Folake was the first person I loved. I was in secondary school and before her, I had only crushed on people.
We had a lot in common: we attended the same church, we both had landlines in our houses and we knew the same people. I remember flashing her landline and quickly cutting it. I also remember texting her with my dad’s phone and deleting the messages after. Thinking about it, I’m sure my dad knew, but he never said anything.
Folake made me happy to attend church. Whenever she entered the church, my heart would start to beat fast. The love was so strong, I wrote letters to her talking about my feelings.
I—
But Folake had another person writing her better letters in church. And he was my guy.
Alexa, play “Big Boys Don’t Cry.”
For some context, her dad is a retired soldier, so this limited my access to her. My guy was her family friend [or so I thought], so he didn’t have this restriction; baba just kept firing well-written letters.
It was even later when we stopped talking because she left the country that I found out about the letters. My guy just casually dropped it in a conversation, and I had to act normal.
Lmao.
To be honest, I wasn’t mad. The guy fine pass me and his parents had more money — who am I?
Dead.
Folake, it was worth it and I don’t blame you. It’d have been nice if you had just told me.
Don’t kill me. Did your outlook on relationships change after the Folake incident?
To be honest, the experience with Folake didn’t change me like that. This sounds funny now, but I was hurt when it happened.
As I grow older, one of the things I look out for in a relationship is loyalty. I look for people that’ll go a hundred percent for me because I’ll do the same for them.
That’s one of the things that attracted me to my current babe. She’s my stan; like I am the best thing that has happened to her. Sometimes it doesn’t even make sense, but it means a lot to me and makes me want to be a better person.
When there’s a hundred percent trust and loyalty in spite of my shortcomings, it gingers me to correct them.
I’m not so sure that Folake had that.
Again. Dead. I’m curious about your relationship with your dad these days.
My dad is my hero. If something happens to my dad right now, I’m not sure how much of life I’d be able to live. I’m not ready to let him go right now.
See, my father is different.
People tell me I’m different, and it’s not surprising because I am my father’s son. My father walks the talk. My father stopped drinking alcohol after my first birthday. His reason was that he wouldn’t be able to stop me from drinking if I grew up watching him drink.
Another trait he has is his non-judgemental way of correcting me: in secondary school, I was going to be suspended, but my father stood for me. He defended me in front of the authorities but when we stepped out, my father told me: “I know you did it, but this is not who you are.”
That was the end. My dad never raised it up again, he never beat me for it. It’s wild because this was an offence that he should have shot me for.
What was it?
An offence.
Fair enough.
Anyway, that’s how my father is. He has that whole “this is who you are” mantra. Sometimes, I liken it to the way God sees us. God calls us as we are despite the shortcomings because he believes that we can become our ideal selves.
I’m in awe of my dad, so I can’t understand why fathers aren’t celebrated. And I’m not even talking about Father’s Day or something. I also understand that it’s not like that for everybody.
I can’t afford to be less of a father or husband. My relationship with my dad is deep and it’s something I’m confident about.
I hope that when the opportunity to repay my dad comes, I don’t do the opposite because he doesn’t deserve anything less than a hundred percent loyalty from me.
Profound. When was the first time you realised you were acting like your dad?
One of my dad’s key traits is forgiveness. One time, I had a terrible fight with my only sibling [brother] where I had every right to be angry. I was so hurt that I was carrying it inside of me. My dad, my brother and I have a WhatsApp group where I just expressed how I felt.
I was like: “You’re my brother so this fight doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m hurt and angry, but I let it go.” That was when I knew I was my father’s child.
I believe that nothing is too much to let go of when a particular relationship is important to me.
Interesting. Does anything scare you?
I’m scared that my dad will die before I’m able to give him the best. I’m also scared that I’ll not be half the man that my dad is. If I can be half the man he is, my wife and kids will enjoy.
Hmmm… What’s your relationship with your mum like?
Ah. My God. If there’s something I’m sad about, this is it. I’m not very happy about it and I’d rather not talk about it. All I’ll say is that it affects my romantic relationship a lot.
Oh.
It’s a struggle to not project some of the difficulties I have with mum on my relationship. I’m always hyper-aware and any trait that I’ve seen before [in my mum], I’m quick to react to it. It’s hard because it puts me in a place where I start comparing similarities.
At the end of the day, I think I need therapy on that side.
I’m sorry. What gives you joy?
Helping people makes me happy. The opportunity to ease someone’s pain especially when it’s money related is very satisfying. Because I’ve been a recipient of kindness in the past and it’s satisfying to be able to pay kindness forward.
Like when I lost my brother…
Wait, what?
Yeah…When I lost my brother, people I had just met in NYSC camp contributed money for the burial arrangements. I know how receiving kindness feels and that’s why I help others. It doesn’t matter if they know that I helped them or not. I also like to be dependable; for my people to know that they can rely on me.
Mahn. Who helps the helper? How do you get through difficult times?
I don’t think I have ever been in that place where there’s someone that can’t help me. I don’t believe that because you help people, there’s nobody to help you. It has never happened to me and I hope it never does. When I’m going through things, I reach out to friends and even some strangers.
I’ve learnt that people who help others struggle with asking for help. However, the older I get, the more I realise that I’m not alone. This has humbled me enough to reach out even though I know everyone is going through things. I have friends for different issues so that I don’t overwhelm one person.
I’m grateful for people because I think human beings are the greatest asset anybody can have. My prayer is to always be humble enough to remember that I’m not alone — especially when I’m going through a difficult phase — because difficulties make us feel like we are alone.
I feel you. Do people tell you to “act like a man?”
I can’t relate. I grew up learning to express myself, own my mistakes and make corrections. However, I don’t think it’s wrong to be strong as a human being because adversity can build character.
Cool. Is there something that has threatened your idea of what it means to be a man?
Ọmọ na relationship oh my brother.
Since we are now having conversations about equality, I’m beginning to see things. This whole idea of “being a man” self, what’s the point? A man is expected to choose his nuclear family over his own family that he grew up with. However [many times], when you switch the roles, you’ll start hearing crickets on the women’s side.
You’re told that you can’t choose your mother or father over your wife, but is it like that for women?
Also, what if I want to be a stay at home dad? Attend PTAs and take care of the kids? It begs the question: How much of this can the woman I want to marry accept? Let’s be honest, if you don’t make something out of yourself, no woman will love you. Forget all that come as you are talk.
The expectation as a man is that you’re meant to bear the entire burden. I really don’t want to bear the burden because I’m a man. It should be because I want to not because I have to. I have seen men sacrifice so much and not receive anything in return.
See, I’d like to be a plant instead.
Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.
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So someone took the liberty to ask a very important question on Twitter. Now we know our dads are actually good cooks, contrary to popular opinion.
