coworkers | Zikoko!

It’s January AKA the month when more 9-5ers than usual quit their jobs because they’re ringing in the new year with a new ~~branch of capitalism~~ job.

This affects you as a co-worker because you’re stuck doing their work till your employer finds a replacement, if they ever do. Plan ahead by recognising these signs.

They’re unnecessarily hyper for January

TBH, the only way someone can be excited about returning to work after the holidays is if they have something exciting to look forward to. In this case, a better job. Look at that overly excited colleague with new eyes today.

They complain less

Suddenly, they no longer join you to gossip about your annoying boss and work wahala. It means they’re already one leg out. Be alert.

You start seeing them on social media

Everyone and their grandmother knows one of the first rules of the co-worker code is to block your co-workers on social media so you can rant about them in peace. Once you start seeing them on social media, it means they no longer see you as a threat AKA you’re no longer a co-worker.

Their social media posts are sus

They start dropping posts like, “Excited about what the next few months hold”. Do you really need another clue?

They ask about payslips

Who cares about tax deductions and all that math if it’s not that some other HR officer is asking for it so they can decide their benefits?

They miss meetings

Why would they care about meetings when the only thing on their mind is how to start orientation at their new company?

They go on leave or suddenly become sick

They want to enjoy as much time off as possible before resuming at their new job. If you doubt me, ask yourself how many people resign immediately after returning from leave, and you have your answer.

NEXT READ: Corporate Speak 101: How to Insult Your Coworker Without Losing Your Job

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Tife Oni

January 5, 2024

Inside Life

career, coworkers, january, lifestyle, workplace
After salaries and a desire to NOT live under the bridge, work besties are the major reason many of us remain slaves to capitalism. There’s something about finding someone to gossip about your boss with that makes it all worth it.

But even work bestie-ships sink, so here’s how to know yours is about to hit the rocks.

They stop sending you gist

This is the biggest warning signal. Gist can’t finish at the office, so the only reason they’re not talking about it with you, or locking eyes when someone at the office does something dumb, is because they no longer value being your work bestie, or worse, they think you’ll snitch.

They start calling in sick without telling you

Taking a sick day — AKA leaving you to suffer through work all by yourself — without warning you? That bestie-ship is shaking.

Or they go on leave

How dare they take a break from capitalism when you’re still slaving away? What happened to going on leave together? It only means one thing: They don’t rate you anymore.

They suddenly know what they want to eat

Everyone knows work bestie-ships are like relationships. You both have to weigh the pros and cons of buying Iya Basira’s rice for lunch, even though you both know you’ll end up buying ewa agoyin in the end. Once they start making lunch decisions easily, just know there’s someone else.

They actually start working

If your work bestie starts letting a little thing like a performance review get in the way of hanging out with you at work, sorry to say, but you’re losing your friend to capitalism.

They start getting close to another coworker

That’s the betrayal of the highest order if you ask me. They’re rolling with basic bitches now?

You learn about their resignation when everyone else does

At this stage, you should already know to call them ex-work bestie because a real work bestie knows to send the resignation letter to you for edits even before sending it to HR.

Or they become your boss

Yeah, just forget it. Your friendship is over. How do you gossip about your boss when the person you’re sharing amebo notes with is the said boss? Also, how did they work out a promotion without your knowledge? Just look for another work bestie. Y’all have had a good run.

NEXT READ: These 10 Things Should Be Added to the Coworker Code

Tife Oni

June 1, 2023

Money

coworkers, Funny, Inside life, Nigerians, relationships, work besties
Everyone wants to sound agreeable, even when it’s not how they really feel. Even your most-used email sign-offs aren’t safe from the eye service drama.

But what do they say about you? Let’s get into it.

Yours sincerely

Grandma, is that you? Anyone who still ends emails with this is probably stuck in the middle ages AND is part of the WhatsApp group of people who believe any time rain falls on a sunny day, a lion is giving birth.

Best regards

You’re just working because you have a thing against living under the bridge. You’re also tired of capitalism, but you’ve gotten to the age when you’ve learnt to accept it as the necessary evil it is.

Regards

You think every meeting should’ve been an email, but when they become emails, you don’t reply unless you absolutely have to. I respect it.

Cheers

You lowkey don’t like your coworkers or even the idea of work, but you have to look alive for the culture. You also tend to exhibit Nigerian-parent “put it on my head” behaviour.

Thanks in advance

You’ve spent far too much time applying for jobs. It’s giving “I look forward to hearing from you”, but hey, your Nigerian mother would love that you’re so respectful at work.

Enjoy the rest of your day

You’re either a really nice person who genuinely cares about people, or you work in customer service, and you honestly don’t give a damn about anybody.

Best

You have zero patience. Your mantra is probably, “Try me and see”. Chances are you’re also a firstborn.

Please, accept the assurance of my highest regards

Are you contesting for a political post, or what’s happening here? I’ve only ever seen this sign-off in emails from government ministries. If you use it, I’m tempted to say you’re a corrupt detty liar.

[Your name]

It’s giving “main character”. Why waste time using sign-offs when they only need to know the name behind the greatness they just read?

No sign-off at all

Pride, dear. That’s exactly what it is.

NEXT READ: These 10 Things Should Be Added to the Coworker Code

Tife Oni

March 17, 2023

Inside Life

coworkers, Email, Funny, hustle, workplace
It’s hard to imagine Nigerian politicians doing anything other than leeching off Nigeria’s treasury for as long as they can.

We know Nigerian politicians want to stay in power forever, but if they had to work a 9-5 job like the rest of us, what would be their defining character traits — based on what we already know about them?

Yahaya Bello

He says things like “Purrr” out loud to sound like a GenZ even though he’s clearly 47, watches NTA and thinks TikTok is a wristwatch brand.

Remi Tinubu

She always arrives the office late and leaves early because she has a rich husband and doesn’t need the job. She tends to say, “Children of nowadays,” much too often.

Ayo Fayose

Even though he’s a 61-year-old grandfather, he’s the office comedian, and interns hide from him because he’s always sending them to buy roadside amala.

Aisha Buhari

No one knows what exactly she does at the company but she makes enough to visit Dubai for vacation every two months.

Femi Fani-Kayode

He’s always sending broadcast messages about the latest conspiracy theories to the office WhatsApp group. Everyone tries to hide their lunch from him because he always wants to take “just two spoons” out of their food.

Ben Ayade

Says words like “braggadoccio” and “sesquipedalian” to sound like the most intelligent person in the room. Also likes to cry in the office restroom when his salary finishes in the middle of the month.

Stella Oduah

She has no time for office gossip and just goes around minding the business that pays her. But she’s also secretly using the company’s Uber account to run her personal bakery business.

Dino Melaye

He spends all his work hours on social media, tweets a lot about how much he hates his 9-5 and takes too many sick days off for his side hustle as an aspiring Nollywood actor.

Lai Mohammed

No one argues with him because he’s been at the company even before the founder. But if he says good morning to you, you know it’s time to go to bed.

Nyesom Wike

He talks too much and he’s the reason why office meetings last three hours.

ALSO READ: Nigerian Political Parties and What Their Logos Say About Them

Samson Toromade

September 27, 2022

Citizen

Aisha Buhari, Ayo Fayose, coworkers, nigerian politicians, Nyesom Wike, Oluremi Tinubu, Yahaya Bello
You’ve heard the term “work bestie”, and you want to take it a step further because nothing can stand in the way of your crushing — not even HR.

There are some things to consider before potentially wasting your feelings though:

Do they have sense?

How can you start mentally planning your wedding colours only to find out that they think semo is elite? Or that they think agege bread is overrated? The horror.

Are they actually attractive or are you just bored at work?

Let’s face it — anyone that says “I think we should wrap up” during a three-hour-long Zoom meeting is bound to look like a genius. Do your due diligence.

RELATED: Eight Types of People You’ll Find in a Nigerian Zoom Meeting

Do they use pointless office lingo?

What could possibly attract you to someone that uses jargon like “circle back” or “run up the flagpole”. What happened to normal English?

Can you fight?

You’ll likely not be the only person crushing on your crush. They might even have crushers outside work. We ask again, “can you fight?”

Do they hit “reply all” to every email?

Will you honestly be proud to associate yourself with the person that keeps every other recipient of one email in an endless loop of notifications? We think tf not.

Do they like Mondays?

We don’t need to tell you that they aren’t normal. It’s obvious. But if they like Wednesdays? Run o!

Do you really want to date someone where you work?

Let’s not even get into how messy it can get. Imagine getting into a fight and then having to sit with them at work for eight hours.

Will they get you in trouble?

Scenes where you’re trying to share your screen in a meeting and accidentally share your folder full of your crush’s pictures. LMAO

READ THIS NEXT: Eight Meals You Should Eat if You Hate Your Co-workers

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Tife Oni

July 1, 2022

Inside Life

coworkers, love, Nigerians, workplace
The workplace is a mixture of the most annoying people you’ll find. Which one are you? Take this quiz and we’ll tell you:

Tife Oni

June 29, 2022

Funds, Quizzes

coworkers, Funny, Nigerians, workplace
Being friends with your coworkers is cool, but sleeping with them is cooler. Contrary to what you think; sleeping with your coworkers is a perfect way to create a work-life balance. The more colleagues you sleep with, the better.

Here are a few reasons why you should start sleeping with your coworkers today:

1. It promotes unity in the workplace.

Sleeping with your coworker is the perfect form of unity. Uniting your genitals and your mind is exactly what your employer needs from you.

2. It makes you enjoy your job.

Your workplace becomes your favourite place to be when you sleep with your colleague(s). You’ll enjoy your job more when you know you can reward yourself with some sex and satisfaction. That’s a win-win.

3. You get to try out BDSM with your boss and take out your frustration on them.

Trying out BDSM with your boss is the best way to take out your frustration on them. A few slaps here and there would make them understand the kind of stress their office slaps with you on a daily basis. Slap them with your hands or whips— never your genitals.

4. You get a raise when you sleep with your boss.

Sleep with your boss so you can drive a Bentley while your colleagues drive Toyotas. It always pays to be the wisest one in an organization. The better the sex, the higher the raise.

5. It creates space for innovative ideas.

There’s no better person to share ideas with than someone who has probably eaten your ass. You’ll trust them with your life and also trust their ideas; after all, anyone who is sleeping with you already has bright ideas.

6. It promotes work-life balance.

Sleeping with your colleague reduces your chances of living a pathetic life with no balance. Knowing you have a place to rest your private parts after work is a good way to ease your stress.

7. You get to have a quickie on your lunch break to cope with the stress of working so hard.

Everyone knows sex is a good way to recoup and get your grind back up. There’s nothing like having someone at your beck and call to have a quickie with when work is trying to end your life.

Ibukun

October 13, 2021

Ships

coworkers, Office Romance, Sex
Sign-offs are the core of every work email. There’s no reason why it should be boring. Which one is “Best regards” or “Yours sincerely”? Where’s the spice in that?

Read this to make your work experience more interesting.

https://memes.zikoko.com/

1. Respectfully, I am in tears

You can use this when your team lead has emailed you like ten times in one day. You too are someone’s child, abeg.

2. I said what I said

This one is for when your coworker forwards an email back to you and asks if it’s for them. You don’t even need to write anything in the body of the email, just sign-off with this.

3. Yours vaccinatedly

Honestly, it’s a thing of pride that you’ve gotten the vaccine and why shouldn’t everyone know? You’re doing your part as a good citizen to encourage people to get the vaccine.

Looking to spice up your Instagram feed? Follow Zikoko Memes 😏

4. Nothing do you

https://memes.zikoko.com/

This one should always be used as an insult. There are no two ways tbh, especially when someone sends you a mail in the middle of the night. Something must be doing them.

5. You know the vibe

This sign-off should be used on Fridays only because it means don’t text me again, my weekend has started.

6. E go be

If you use this, you are telling them that if they reply to that email they’re on their own because they will be aired.

7. Reply if you’re bad

This is a nicer way of saying e go be. They’ll waste so much time wondering if they’re bad and before they know, it’s close of business.

8. To Jesus be my glory

https://memes.zikoko.com/

This is clearly a threat because why are you bringing spiritual forces into human matters? Use at your discretion.

9. Gbogbo wa la ma je breakfast

This is for when you get fired for signing off with all these. The least you can do is end it with a bang. As it has come for you in the morning, it will come for them in the evening.

Looking to spice up your Instagram feed? Follow Zikoko Memes 😏

Malakai Bassey

April 7, 2021

Inside Life

coworkers, Email, Inside life, signoffs, workplace
Nigerian bosses are known for their ‘unique’ approaches when it comes to mentoring or ‘disciplining’ their coworkers.

It tends to be similar to a ‘Nigerian parent to child’ relationship.

Examples of these relationships have been highlighted in the past by Zikoko here and here.

But truthfully, we all know a relationship between a boss and his employee should be like none of these! So today we are here to speak on such matters.

This is a call of duty to all Nigerian employees. If any of the following apply to you, you have an evil boss matter on your hands:

1. Has your boss ever asked you to kneel down at work and beg for your job?

2. Locked you out of the office gate because you were simply 10 minutes late?!

3. Has your boss ever threatened to slap you?

4. And actually gone through with it?!

5. Or mentioned how ‘useless’ you are in front of all your junior colleagues?

6. Or made you stay in the office till after midnight simply because he is wicked and wants you to be as miserable as he is?

7. Has your boss asked you to go and fix their shoes, carry their handbag or pick their kids from school? But you are in fact the bank manager with multiple degrees?

If any of these sound familiar, share your experiences with Zikoko by emailing your most shocking and hilarious experiences to lola@zikokomag.com and we will ANONYMOUSLY share with your fellow Nigerians the things that some evil bosses in Nigeria do to their employees.

If you are feeling brave or looking for social media fame, feel free to tweet us @zikokomag using the hashtag #EvilNigerianBosses.

May their wickedness never prosper!

Featured image by Zikoko Contributor @kpmy_.

Damilola

October 19, 2015

Inside Life

bosses, coworkers, Nigerian, Nollywood, Nollywood movies, scandal, work

They’re unnecessarily hyper for January

They complain less

You start seeing them on social media

Their social media posts are sus

They ask about payslips

They miss meetings

They go on leave or suddenly become sick

They stop sending you gist

They start calling in sick without telling you

Or they go on leave

They suddenly know what they want to eat

They actually start working

They start getting close to another coworker

You learn about their resignation when everyone else does

Or they become your boss

Yours sincerely

Best regards

Regards

Cheers

Thanks in advance

Enjoy the rest of your day

Best

Please, accept the assurance of my highest regards

[Your name]

No sign-off at all

Yahaya Bello

Remi Tinubu

Ayo Fayose

Aisha Buhari

Femi Fani-Kayode

Ben Ayade

Stella Oduah

Dino Melaye

Lai Mohammed

Nyesom Wike

Do they have sense?

Are they actually attractive or are you just bored at work?

Do they use pointless office lingo?

Can you fight?

Do they hit “reply all” to every email?

Do they like Mondays?

Do you really want to date someone where you work?

Will they get you in trouble?

1. It promotes unity in the workplace.

2. It makes you enjoy your job.

3. You get to try out BDSM with your boss and take out your frustration on them.

4. You get a raise when you sleep with your boss.

5. It creates space for innovative ideas.

6. It promotes work-life balance.

7. You get to have a quickie on your lunch break to cope with the stress of working so hard.

1. Respectfully, I am in tears

2. I said what I said

3. Yours vaccinatedly

4. Nothing do you

5. You know the vibe

6. E go be

7. Reply if you’re bad

8. To Jesus be my glory

9. Gbogbo wa la ma je breakfast

1. Has your boss ever asked you to kneel down at work and beg for your job?

2. Locked you out of the office gate because you were simply 10 minutes late?!

3. Has your boss ever threatened to slap you?

4. And actually gone through with it?!

5. Or mentioned how ‘useless’ you are in front of all your junior colleagues?

6. Or made you stay in the office till after midnight simply because he is wicked and wants you to be as miserable as he is?

7. Has your boss asked you to go and fix their shoes, carry their handbag or pick their kids from school? But you are in fact the bank manager with multiple degrees?