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One of the tenets of most religions is sexual abstinence but it’s also human to have sexual urges. In this article, five Nigerian women talk about struggling with sexual desires.
Lilly, 19
I grew up in a Christian home where sexual purity was preached all the time. I had sexual urges as a child but tried to ignore them. When I turned 18, I realised that konji na bastard and peer pressure is not child’s play. Whenever I kissed boys or did anything sexual, I feel guilty.
I tried to have sex with a guy in August but I couldn’t go through with it. The pain, the fear, the guilt, I had to tell the guy to stop. My body also stopped responding to him. I feel like if I was in a relationship with someone, it’ll be easier to let go of the guilt but I’m not ready for breakfast.
Lolo, 21
I was abused as a child and that’s how I became exposed to pornography. I became addicted to it. Being exposed to porn like that made me curious about sex but I am a Christian and I didn’t want to sin. When I turned 14, the sexual urges became worse. I talked to my friends about it and they said it was normal. I also noticed that a week before my period, the urges heighten.
I tried to control it until this year when I turned 21. I decided to rip the band-aid off and have sex. So far, I have done it twice and honestly, I feel satisfied. Not without guilt though. I have told myself now that salvation is personal and I don’t have to follow what society says. I know how to serve my God and ask for forgiveness.
K, 19
I am very sexual for a person that comes from a highly religious home. Whenever I watch porn, I cry and ask God for forgiveness but I end up doing the same thing or even masturbating. I can’t orgasm more than once because whenever I cum, a wave of guilt kills the mood.
At church yesterday, someone had a prophecy about me. In my head, I was like, “So this is how my secret will come out.” I was relieved when it turned out to be something about my health. It’s like living a double life.
Bimbo, 22
I grew up learning that sex outside marriage was a sin and that my virginity was a gift for my husband. No one told me about the sexual urges that come with puberty. I thought of myself as a deviant because I had sexual thoughts. I begged God to take it away from me.
At 15, I figured out how to make myself cum without touching my genitals. Whenever I orgasmed, I felt awful. I started reading about the human reproductive system and the nature of sex when I turned 19. I realised that it’s normal to think about sex because humans are sexual beings. This doesn’t make me evil or sinful.
Ebose, 21
I learned quite early that everyone struggles with sexual urges. My friends tell me about it and I experience them too. I try as much as I can not to indulge by being busy. These days, whenever I get sexual thoughts, I pray and it’s been working for me.
People go celibate for different reasons (all of which should be respected), but one thing I’m tired of is people making it seem like celibacy is easy. That’s a bloody lie.
Here are some hard truths about celibacy that people hardly share.
1. You are at your horniest when you are celibate.
During celibacy, the horniness in you is 10x greater than the horniness in the world. Do you realise how much brainpower it requires to stay celibate when omega levels of konji are rattling around inside you? It’s insane.
2. Clarity doesn’t come immediately.
Contrary to what people on Twitter say, clarity doesn’t come the moment you start the journey of being celibate. Infact, some people spend a long time suffering in horniness and the clarity just never comes.
3. Celibacy can make you see double.
This is not a joke. Celibacy can make you hallucinate and have weird sex dreams. (Don’t ask me where I got my stats from.) But for real though, you can get so horny and eventually give up your celibacy to someone you thought was “worth it”.
4. Celibacy won’t stop you from being a hoe.
The hoe in you won’t pack up shop and leave because you’ve chosen to be celibate for the time being. Your inner hoe is going to be reactivated the second you’re back to being sexually active.
5. Flashbacks keep attacking you like the thief in the night.
Abstaining from sex won’t set you free from flashbacks. They’ll attack for no reason at the oddest times and in the weirdest places. The strength to stay sane while dealing with flashbacks during celibacy can only come from God.
6. You don’t have to make being celibate your entire personality.
Celibate people are like vegans in the sense that they will probably pass out if they don’t let the world know that they’re celibate. We know the horniness in you needs expression, but that doesn’t mean you need to express it to everyone you cross paths with.
7. You are actually jealous of sexually active people.
Between you and your private parts, you know you’d rather be sexually active and your celibacy journey is a lot harder than you imagined it would be. You know you’d rather be getting slutted out seven ways to Sunday, but you are waiting for the gift that comes from being celibate.
Celibacy can be a tough journey, at some point during celibacy, you start to ask yourself if sex is really a sin. Celibate people have no business listening to any of these songs. Face Jesus please, don’t face us.
The only thing that is coming to you is the wave of horniness that is about to hit you. No one is coming to you and you are not cumming anywhere either. Save yourself.
The only thing that is naughty right now is your decision to listen to this song. You can’t even be folded and treated like a naughty girl, why are you now tormenting your thoughts?
This song won’t only test your celibacy, it will make you want to text your good for nothing ex. This isn’t the first time we are warning you. There’s no one to hold your body, better hold yourself.
We are not trying to spoil Adekunle Gold’s market, oh no, that’s not what we are doing. We are simply looking out for you before you become the sinner that you’ve been trying not to be.
Maybe you should just avoid Lojay completely because there is no song of his that won’t make you question your choice to be celibate. What ass cheeks are you making go tonongo? None. Only you and your bed.
This song is especially dangerous for celibate women. The last thing you need is Tiwa Savage singing in your ear about sex and BBCs when you’re trying to say no to sex.
How difficult is it to stay chaste in a relationship when both parties are people with feelings? For this article, I spoke to 7 Nigerians who told me their difficulties and triumphs.
This was a very difficult piece and I will tell you why. When I originally put out the call for stories, I directed it to married couples who didn’t kiss or have sex before their marriage. I wanted to know about their sex life: any regrets? Tips?
For days, I got nothing. And then, this simple one:
*Esther.
I’m enjoying sex apart from kissing because he has mouth odour. I discovered when we got married. We are learning to satisfy each other on sex. Seriously, no wahala about that.
When I reached out to ask more questions, I got no response. So I changed the call.
This is for Christian boyfriends and girlfriends on the TL.
How do you maintain chastity in your relationship? How do you manage the temptations to have sex. It's for @zikokomag.
I extended the call to include Muslims and other religious couples. Some sent in stories, some sent hi and nothing else, and some left their stories unfinished. But here are the most interesting answers I got.
Damilare.
I tried. I really tried to hold myself. The heavens know how much I tried acting like a saint up and down. We will kiss small and body will be doing gish-gish. We will start giving each other the word of God. Wo, it happened when it wanted to finally happen and we haven’t stopped since. Those people that are not doing it, 98 percent na iro repete. Pure lies.
Ebele.
We met in church. After a lot of chasing and convincing on his end, we started dating. We’ve been together for 1 year and 8 months. In the talking stage, we were both on the same page about abstaining till marriage. We decided to take it further and not kiss as well. But when we were faced with reality, it was harder than we thought. Once, I came back from a trip and he welcomed me with a kiss on my neck that ended up being a hickey. It wasn’t fun explaining it people. We eventually gave in and started kissing by the 3rd month of our relationship.
For me, it’s pretty easy because I don’t always have sexual urges but I know it’s really difficult for him because I see it in his eyes. Yet, he has never tried to pressure me or make me change my mind because he knows it’s important to me. It’s also important to him. I forget that men can be sensitive and there are times when I sit on his laps or between his legs and he has to remind me if I know where I am sitting. It used to be awkward at first but now we just laugh about it and I change location. We are very aware of what turns each other on so we are careful about how/where we touch each other. I won’t lie, it’s not exactly easy but we have had to learn other ways of spending our time that doesn’t involve being physical.
Gloria.
My partner and I have been dating for two years now. Before we met, we were (and still are) pretty hypersexual people. I’m a Pastor’s kid, just as he is, so we knew what we were doing and what it is to our faith.
When we started dating, we had sex everywhere we could, even on holy grounds. But earlier that year, I was uncomfortable about something and I kept feeling the need to draw closer to God. Through introspection, I realized that the one thing I could point out as a sin in my life is fornication. So I spoke to my partner, and even though it wasn’t the easiest decision to make, I told him I was going celibate, and it was up to him to decide what’s next. Obviously, for a couple looking to get married, his choice was to join me.
I’m not going to lie, it’s been very hard. VERY hard, and sometimes, we do not make it easy for ourselves. We’ve gone like 8 months straight, then what I like to call “fall” which makes my friends burst out in laughter has happened. And in those moments it’s good but the aftermath isn’t always good. I disconnect from God for a few days, even when all I have read tells me not to. One day I started crying after having sex and he was feeling really bad. To be honest, I’ve never felt guilty about sex, and feeling guilty now makes me feel very terrible so we’re trying to sort and process those feelings and also understand that we are human and need God’s grace to do this and not just our self.
We are also studying the Word more and praying more and that makes us very happy. It’s pretty hard because while there are resources online from strangers, the Christian couples close to us are either pretending they’re not having sex or struggling or have decided to fuck it and just have sex. And it’s really disappointing because who are we supposed to look up to? It’s one of the reasons why I’m always open to speaking about it and the moments we “fall” because I know it’s not as easy as some people make it to be.
We still have 4 years till our “wedding date”, and even though it’s not easy now we keep pushing. Sometimes, we steal kisses here and there then try to suppress what we’ve started. I’m looking forward to the next few years and praying really hard to God because, I’m not even going to lie, HAVE YOU SEEN MY MAN? And the things we can do together in bed or anywhere really. Whew.
Mojisola.
I’ve been in quite a number of relationships. When I’m about to enter one, I make sure to declare my stand of abstinence before we start anything. Some of them first say they agree but turn to something else when we’re into the relationship. In my current relationship, it’s different. My boyfriend is 24 and has been sexually active. But he told me that when he met Jesus, he made a commitment to stay off. And so, for me now, abstaining is a whole lot easier with him. I don’t have to explain why I want to stay that way over and over. We’ve been together for a year now. Sometimes when we are alone and of course those feelings start arising, he’s the first to push back and remind me of our commitment. I didn’t believe there were men like that out there till I met him. I can pretty much say I look up to him spiritually because he has made me grow past where I used to be when we met.
Ituen.
I am a Christian in a three-year relationship with a fellow believer. It’s a weird story because we didn’t start out celibate. In fact, he was the first person I ever had sex with. We were both Christians but at that time I was the more “serious” believer. I had just come out of a messy relationship, and he was supporting me through the breakup, and boom, somehow we had sex. When he realized he was my first, he freaked out, but I was a bit calm about it and moved on.
Due to my emotional state at that time (as a result of the last breakup and other issues), the sex continued a few more times until I snapped out of it and “recalled” that it was against my faith. I told him that if he wanted a serious relationship then sex has to be out of the deal. Because if it comes down to my faith and him, I would choose my faith over and over.
We set some boundaries (actually I did), but he just had to agree. No sleepovers is the main one. No freaky chats, no lonely visits too. We see each other mostly in public now. He has since grown more serious with his faith and he is even happy about the celibacy rules. We have been celibate for 2 years 6 months now.
Mayowa.
TW: Abuse.
I’m a guy in my mid 20s. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years now and we’ve never had sex. There are a couple of reasons for this. First of all, I’m a Christian, but more importantly, she’s a Christian too. I say this because if I was dating someone else and she wanted us to have sex, I’d most definitely have done it. I know that if I push it a bit and ask her for sex, it’ll happen. I think she knows it too. But we act like the option is not on the table.
She thinks I’m a virgin, but I’m not. I was abused as a child by my elder cousins, both male and female. I don’t know if that counts as losing my virginity. I think it does. Nobody knows about it except two of my friends and I only just told them last year. The abuse ended when I was about 8 or 9, but it made me hate myself a lot as a child because I kept seeing myself as a sinner. It seemed to me like fornication, and fornication is wrong, so I blamed myself for it.
In my guilt, I promised God that if he saw me as “clean” and a virgin again, I would never have sex before I got married. That was what inspired my chastity in the earlier parts of my life, especially in my first year at the university. That, and the emphasis my mother places on the importance of virginity till marriage. Her words stuck.
Despite all these though, I was making out, getting and giving head. I do that with my girlfriend too. I’m a very hypersexual person. I think about sex all the time. It’s happened since I was a kid, and I think it’s because of the abuse. I’ve read online that abuse at a young age makes some people hypersexual. I feel like a hypocrite a lot. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m actually not fornicating. But I’m sure I have an amazing relationship with God. He talks to me, I talk to Him, I worship, He heals people through me, I speak in tongues. I am an actual Christian. I don’t want to have penetrative sex till we get married. But with the way we’re going, I think it might happen. I hope it doesn’t.
Celibacy is the state of voluntarily being sexually abstinent, with “voluntarily” being a core aspect of that definition — it doesn’t count if you want to have sex but can’t find anyone willing to oblige.
So, I decided to ask a bunch of Nigerians about their individual celibacy journeys — ranging from a few days to their entire lives — to find out why they chose to do it and how tough it’s been.
Mary, 29/Female/Straight
I’ve never had sex, so I’ve been celibate my whole life. I am a very emotional person, and I feel my first time has to be just right or I’ll regret it forever. I’m also scared of enjoying it too much and becoming addicted.
The goal has always been to wait until marriage. That was going pretty well until about two years ago. Now, every single day is a struggle. I’m constantly thinking about sex, but I still don’t think I’m ready.
Charles, 27/Male/Straight
I decided to try celibacy this year because I read that semen retention could help with mental alertness and raising energy levels, but I also wanted to change my overall attitude towards sex.
I want to stop treating sex as a drug, and I want to start seeing women as people, not objects for my satisfaction. Three months is the longest I’ve lasted this year, but I’m trying again. My goal is 100 days straight.
Funmi, 27/Female/Bisexual
For some weird reason, casual sex just lost its appeal to me. I suddenly felt like I only wanted to sleep with people I loved. Now, I’m currently three months into my celibacy journey and it’s been a ride.
In the first month, my body didn’t know what was about to hit, so it was calm. By the second month, it figured out what was happening and my cravings went into overdrive.
I masturbated A LOT. At some point, I swear, I started hallucinating a little. I’m now in my third month and it’s easier. I think my mind is regaining control over my body. I even joyfully turned down a session recently.
Ebuka, 31/Male/Straight
Early this year, I took on “honest” celibacy for about a month. I say honest because people often include masturbation in their definition of celibacy, and I think that’s bullshit.
The experience made me a preacher of the ‘no nut’ gospel. My energy levels were higher, my erections were extra hard and I was more assertive. The women in my life kept remarking on how different I seemed.
Afterwards, I nutted three times in the space of 45 non-stop minutes without losing erection quality. Now, I recommend a one-month celibacy stint every quarter in a year. The benefits are remarkable.
Amaka, 24/Female/Straight
I’ve been celibate for about 3 years and 2 months now. It started after I got my heart broken. The guy was my first, and I’ve not been able to trust another man with my body since then.
Whenever I meet new guys and tell them how long I’ve been celibate for, they immediately start obsessing over how tight I must be. Then they try to make it their mission to end my celibacy. It’s really annoying.
Honestly, I’m tired of being celibate and plan to end it this December. Deciding which guy I’ll have sex with is now my main problem. If I don’t find someone I trust before the end of the year, I’ll just continue.
Ade, 25/Male/Not sure
I hooked up with a guy for the first time this year, and I enjoyed it so much it terrified me. Before him, I’d only ever been with women, and now, I’m confused about my sexuality. So, I’m avoiding sex until I figure my shit out.
I’ve been celibate for about 5 months now and it’s so hard. I’ve bruised my penis multiple times from excessive masturbation, but I’m still not ready to have sex with anyone, man or woman, and deal with any of this. Not yet.
Tolu, 22/Female/Straight
After I ended things with my boyfriend of two years, who was also my first, I knew I wouldn’t be able to have sex with anyone else for a while. So, I decided to give celibacy a try.
Do you know how long my celibacy journey lasted? Three days. By the time I found myself underneath one hot young man, who had his hands wrapped around my neck, I knew celibacy was not for me.
