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On February 16, 2023, Nigerians were all over the place regarding a claim made by the House of Representatives Majority Leader of the All Progressives Congress (APC), Alhassan Doguwa.
Doguwa, speaking after a meeting with President Muhammadu Buhari, addressed the issue of the scarcity of the new naira notes.
[Alhassan Doguwa, to President Muhammadu Buhari’s right. Channels TV]
He said, “A member of the House of Representatives is expected by law to have not more than ₦70 million to conduct his elections and whatever logistics and other things. ₦70 million cash, by law.”
On the Wait First flagship, we rate claims into three categories. We rate a valid claim as fresh banana. We rate a false claim as burnt dodo. A misleading claim is cold zobo.
What’s the status of this claim?
To answer that, let’s look at the Electoral Act 2022, which guides the conduct of elections in Nigeria.
The relevant section that pertains to campaign financing is Section 88, titled “Limitation on election expenses.” See the screenshot below:
The part that concerns us is subsection 4. “The maximum amount of election expenses to be incurred by a candidate in respect of Senatorial and House of Representatives seat shall not exceed ₦100,000,000 and ₦70,000,000 respectively.”
However, there’s nowhere in the Act that says a candidate must have “hard copy” cash to do this.
Verdict: The law provides a ₦70 million limit for campaign expenses related to House of Representatives positions, that is, from the commencement till the end of campaigns. However, Doguwa’s claim that it must be in cash is misleading. You’ll not find colder zobo anywhere else.
Did the Finnish government issue a letter to Simon Ekpa regarding the Nigerian elections?
A viral letter made the rounds recently on social media. It claimed to have come from the Finnish government. The letter targeted Simon Ekpa, a Nigerian secessionist based in Finland. Ekpa has links to the Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB). It said the Finnish government would charge him with terrorism if he didn’t cease a sit-at-home order in the South East on election day.
The fact checkers at the Centre for Democracy and Development (CDD West Africa) looked into the letter. Here’s what they found:
“CDD War Room contacted the Finnish Embassy in Nigeria, and we were informed that the letter is not an official correspondence of the Finnish government.
“An official spokesperson of the Finnish government in Nigeria said the embassy has contacted Twitter to remove the letter from the micro-blogging platform.”
Verdict: Do you still need us to spell it out? Na burnt dodo. We hope you didn’t fall for it.
In these stressful times, you need to do whatever it takes to find cash. Even if that means seducing a POS agent. Follow these steps to date one and have your cash problems solved today.
Break up with your current partner
Does your current partner have cash? If they don’t, what are you people doing together? Break up with them and look for someone who can add value to your life.
Spend all your cash
You can’t take this seriously if you’re not truly motivated. Spend that last ₦500 in your hand so you know you have no choice but to find cash somewhere else.
Find a POS attendant with plenty cash
Don’t waste your time on a POS attendant who doesn’t have cash. You must stay focused on the goal at all times. What’s the use of a POS attendant who doesn’t have plenty cash?
Cook food for them
The way to any human being’s heart is through their stomach — even though it’s their pocket you’re trying to get to. Even spirits at the T-junction accept food as payment for good fortune.
Or get them fuel
Even if they have cash, fuel scarcity is still stressing them out. Bringing them fuel is the most romantic thing you can do for a POS attendant in a time like this.
Call them sweet names
There’s no need to ask anybody out. There are more pressing matters at hand. Just start calling them “baby” every day and showing up at their place with food or fuel. Boom, you’re in a relationship.
Start dropping hints
Send them random photos of new naira notes captioned “Thinking about you”. You can also ask them silly questions like, “If you were a naira note, which one would you be?” Anything to hint that you didn’t come here to play; you’re here for business.
If nothing works, carry gun
If they’re forming ignorance, negotiate with them at gunpoint so they know this is a purely transactional relationship and they can’t be hiding cash. Desperate times require desperate measures.
Finding a billionaire is hard enough; finding one who’ll willingly spend their hard and soft currency on you is even harder. That’s why we used all the tools in our arsenal to curate a list of places you’ll find these specific class of philanthropic billionaires. No need to thank us, we’re just being nice.
Babalawo’s shrine
The babalawo’s shrine is where you’ll meet the up-and-coming billionaires, people who’re there for money rituals, yahoo ++ and other things. You get to invest right before they blow. And when they do, you’ve bagged yourself a billionaire who’s gonna take care of you. Forget what people say about networking in country clubs, the shrine is the best place to network.
Someone’s village
People always claim there are lowkey billionaires, richer than Dangote, in their villages. Those billionaires? You must jam them by force.
One thing about the bad bitches in the marine kingdom is they’ll never go for a broke guy. If you join them, you’ll get access to their elite list of billionaires whose lives you can destroy.
Stand on a bad road and hawk oranges
Now, if Nollywood has taught us anything, it’s that billionaires like orange sellers. However, for this to properly work, you have to hawk on a road that’s notorious for spoiling cars. When your billionaire parks to buy your oranges, their car will suddenly refuse to start working. Offer to fix it and gbam, billionaire secured.
Since billionaires never make heaven, you’ll definitely find many in hell. So go to one of those people who take excursions to heaven and hell and ask them what airline they use to visit hell. When you get there, ask the dearly departed billionaires how you can date and marry the ones they left on Earth.
Any 60th birthday party
If you see anyone throwing a 60th birthday party, better attend. There’s something about people who celebrate their 60th birthdays and that thing is wealth. Either you catch the eye of the billionaire celebrant or one of their billionaire friends in attendance.
Twitter
People on that app are always claiming to know one or two billionaires personally. Snoop around and get to befriending. There’s no mercy for money, so find all the people findable and collect all their money.
Before I begin, if you’re a Nigerian who doesn’t know what an ATM is, please raise your hand.
Sigh, everyone, as expected.
A few days ago, someone asked a very crucial question on Quora.
We can all see that right? Okay.
Are there any ATMs in Nigeria? This question had a lot of us confused.
ATMs? What are those?
For Nigerians who might still not be aware what we’re talking about, the ATM stands for Automated Teller Machine. It’s a machine used to perform cash transactions.
Yup, those actually exist in some parts of the world.
Even though the question got a few accurate answers like this one, I’d like to really break it down to your full understanding.
This is going to be very educative, trust me.
In Nigeria, we communicate with birds. Everyone has a bird assigned to them, you train and guard your own bird.
Animals and humans are like siblings in this part of the word. No big deal.
As soon as we receive money, we give our birds to fly the money to a land called Naira Treasure Land.
This is where the bird drops the money.
Now, they don’t just dump the money there. Everyone is allowed into that land at least twice a year.
We dig up holes for our money to be stored.
So your bird has already been trained to know your money hole. It’ll now help you drop it, cover the hole, and then return back to you.
We spend many years training these our super smart birds.
So thats were we keep large amounts of money. For smaller amounts for everyday expenses we dig holes around the huts that we live in.
Smart right?
But we usually have to make sure our birds are properly skilled, so they leave no traces of our hole.
