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A wise man once said, “When I die, I want the people I did group projects with to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.”
If you have ever been frustrated by a university group project, this is one article you will relate to.
1. First of all, prepare to not get mark you deserve.
If there is anything a university group work will teach you, it is that you will get marks that are not commensurate with the work you put in. Either the mark is too low, or in worst cases, the lecturer might not include it when they total all your marks after the examination. You then begin to wonder if the group work was a waste.
2. Some people will not do as much work, but will get higher marks than those who did.
It could be luck, or we could all be honest and blame the shitty lecturer who just gave out marks arbitrarily. Pick your fighter.
3. Group works will show you just how useless some of your course mates are.
Yes, everybody looks dope and cute and responsible. Wait until you are put in the same group with them. That’s when you will realise that many are useless, but it’s just obvious to a few.
4. YOU HAVE TO BEG SOME PEOPLE TO SUBMIT THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS.
For crying out loud, why do you have to beg someone to submit their contributions to a group work that is part of their course load? Why do we have to beg you to succeed? Do you not like yourself?
5. Even after all the begging, some people will not submit anything.
And then on the day the group work is due, they will manifest like a bad fart and start begging you to put their names. Excuse me dear, the only thing I will be putting your name on is the list of those who deserve to fail. Please get out of my sight.
6. Some people submit their contributions, but it is either plagiarised or completely senseless.
These ones just leave you confused. Yes, they submitted, but their submission is useless. The worst part? They usually end up getting the high marks.
7. Expect to see that one person who will not contribute or show up for meetings but will come on the last day and offer to pay for printing.
This is the Obi Cubana of university group work. Talking about, “How much is the printing, let me pay for it and you will put my name.” LMAO. First of all, may you and your money perish. Who do you think you are? Where were you when the whole group was working?
8. If you ask group members to contribute a small amount of money towards binding and printing, someone will accuse you of eating their money.
Don’t sweat it. It is a normal occurence.
9. By the way, there will always be a problem with finding who will present the work.
All of you have done the work, let one person come out to present, but nobody will. This is one major tug of war.
10. At the root of it all, you must think of how you can do the group work alone and you will get annoyed all over again.
Because, really, why did the lecturer add you to this group when it could easily have been an assignment for you alone? Just why?
Asides exorbitant fees, what is the price they pay to study in these religious and non-religious private unis? Read on to find out.
Anne, 21
My university has horrible hostels and living conditions. It’s even worse for medical students coupled with the fact that we pay more for accommodation than all the other students. There’s also poor maintenance of the school buildings. Can you believe grasses are taller than the students? I understand that it’s the first private school in Nigeria but at least maintain the buildings! They have horrible health care services; the clinic is basically an empty building, the drugs are expensive for nothing. Sometimes if you’re sick and you need drugs or injection, you’d have to buy it yourself.
Joshua, 16
The fees are outrageous. I paid 4 million Naira in my first year for basic biology. Nothing is changing in the school and now, they’ve increased the fees by 1.4 million Naira! Everything here is overpriced. I feel like they buy things outside and multiply the price by two. Water too is very dirty, and as a result, we have to buy water to bathe. Something that shouldn’t even be happening. Fungi was growing on the walls in my room, and we pleaded with them to fix it, but they didn’t. There is a compulsory acceptance fee of 200k you have to pay before you enter the school, which I think is unnecessary. Another thing I hate is that students are not allowed to leave the school for any reason except when you’re about to die. Mind you, their health care services are terrible as well. There are rumours that a boy died last semester due to the late arrival of ambulances. Things are that bad. The owner of the school doesn’t renovate existing buildings. All he does is build new ones he can boast about. Worse still, the Medicine and Surgery College auditorium is very horrible. You can’t sit on half of the seats there, and some places on the roof are leaking. I also hate the fact that we have classes from 8 a.m till 9 p.m. It’s exhausting.In this school, if you fail just one course, you’ll be asked to opt for another course in the same department. It happened to me because for some reason, they couldn’t find one of my results. I had to go through the ordeal of trying to get another JAMB admission letter.A conference was held to discuss the state of things and parents demanded for changes, but nothing changed.
Shola, 22
They think they’re doing students and parents a favour because they’re not affected by strikes and unforeseen circumstances like COVID. Basically, they’re pompous and think they can do anything they want e.g increasing school fees, making weird rules, and you can’t complain because where else can you go? The rules! I swear to God, private universities come up with the weirdest rules and regulations. Again, the school management has this haughty mentality because they’re free of government influence and can run shit however they want to an extent. If there are any complaints from the student body, they’ll slap you with something like “If you cannot adhere to our rules and let the school pass through you, then get out. There are applicants begging to be in your shoes. We can fill your spot anytime.” The restrictions on dressing and hairstyle is tolerable for me, but it still sucks.
Dami, 19
I’m in a private school, and the worst thing about it is the fact that it’s overly restrictive and they treat us like kids. The dress code is ridiculous. We even have a seven p.m. curfew. Our hostel porters have way too much power in my own opinion. Then school food is bad and expensive at the same time. Although the university isn’t owned by a church, we’re required to go to church twice a week.
Daniel, 26
So the private university I attended makes service compulsory, and we had 4 services in a week, minus hall worship. Your fees cover feeding, but the food is subpar, let’s not even talk about the long queues to get it. Or how faith-based universities have silly rules like no jeans. What has it done?? Why no jeans? Also, women couldn’t wear trousers except for sports. Like why??? They have the most absurd rules. I left in 2015, I don’t know if things have changed now.
Ibk, 24
Private universities don’t encourage individuality. They put so much fear in you, you forget the person you are. The school creates a bubble and locks you in. It makes it difficult for you to navigate real life and question authority. A lot of the schools also make you live in fear. You don’t know how to be expressive of what you are really going through. They treat adults like babies. I went to CU and it was a horrible experience for me. The classes are small which is a good thing and lecturers can notice every student, but it’s hard for lecturers to care about the students who are not doing well. They expend more energy on students who are doing well and are visibly disdainful to students who struggle with school.
Jamila, 20
The one thing that stands out for me about the private university I attend is how nonchalant the school is about their students’ well-being. For starters, the food isn’t quality and it is overpriced. There are times when all the ATMs in the school would stop working at once, and it could stay like that for weeks. Church service is their priority and you can’t leave the hall until the service is over. One time, they didn’t let my friend out even though she was having an asthma attack. I had to beg. To top it all, they are so indecisive about the resumption dates and could spontaneously decide to change the already set date few days before it arrives. This can make students from all over the country to cancel their already booked flights. Then the way they try to suppress and silence students whenever we want to speak up about something we don’t like or think needs to change is sad.
Getting a university degree is still one of those things that many Nigerian students aspire to do. Today, in order to determine the best university in Nigeria, we have made a Ranked list of the top 5 Nigerian universities. Note that we have consulted several Nigerian university ranking bodies to inform our decision.
5. University of Nigeria, Nsukka.
Founded by Dr Nnamdi Azikwe in 1955, the University of Nigeria did not formally open till the 7th of October 1960. UNN has the distinction of being the first autonomous university within the country which made it easy for it to secure a position in the country’s educational history.
4. Covenant University
In any conversation about the best universities in Nigeria, as well as the best private universities, Covenant University is bound to be mentioned multiple times. The university was established in the year 2000 and became functional in 2002 when it was presented with an operating license certificate. The private pentecostal university has risen fast and has built a sterling reputation as a powerhouse that churns out outstanding alumni. It has also been named by the Nigerian University Commission as the best private university in Nigeria – in their 2018 ranking – as well as the sixth-best university overall.
3. University of Lagos
In the five decades that it has been in operation, the University of Lagos has garnered a reputation that fuels its nickname as the university of the first choice. It has become the dream university for many Nigerians. Founded in 1962, the University of Lagos has one the widest ranges of undergraduate and postgraduate programmes in Nigeria as well as an alumni group that includes some of the most influential Nigerians.
2. Lagos State University
Lagos State University has the distinction of being the only state-owned university in the state of Lagos. The University was established in 1983 and has since become one of the most popular and prestigious public universities in the country.
1. University of Ibadan
When the University of Ibadan was established in 1947, it was a college under the University of London. It eventually became an independent university in 1962 and has since evolved into one of the most instantly recognizable and respected educational institutions not just in Nigeria but West Africa, easily making the top two, and definitely not number two, in any ranking of Nigerian universities.
A lot of Gen-Z Nigerians grew up watching Nollywood movies that centred a lot on the University experience and campus life. Some of those movies may have gingered you to want to enter University. However, we were not expecting to be lied to, bamboozled, and led astray by Nollywood.
1) Hostels
What kind of hostels were used in those movies? Because it definitely wasn’t any federal University hostels. The hostels in Nollywood were too clean, organized and not crowded. Nollywood movies would have two or three girls in a room and that was it. While in real life, some schools have as many as 8 or 9 students in a room.
2) Normal class times
I think the biggest lie Nollywood told was that University classes started at normal times of the day like 9 a.m. or even 10 a.m. Unlike real life where some people start classes by 7:30 a.m. Nollywood should please.
3) Lack of bad boys
Nollywood promised me a Jim Iyke type boy that would be completely enamoured by me and worship the ground I walk on. I got none of that. They even went as far as promising a love triangle between the notorious cultist and the small town village boy. Where is it? The lack of well known bad boys that usually come late to class in singlet and sagging shorts with a bandana tied around their neck or head is really stressing me and my homegirls.
The characters in these Nollywood movies seemed so excited to be alive. This is very unlike University life where the collective will to live of your entire department can fit into one of those mini bags. A lot of University students do not want to be alive, so how come the ones in Nollywood do? Something is not right.
5) Lack of bad girl bullies
Not only are there hardly any bad boys, there is also a scarcity of bad girls. Sure there are baddies and slay Queens, but what about the girls that are meant to be bullying others because they did not have the latest phones. Where are the girls that go around school reminding everyone else that they stink of poverty?
6) Children of powerful government officials
The biggest lie Nollywood told was that a Senator’s child will attend the same Federal University as the child of a civil servant. Whereas, majority of them schooled outside the country. How did they convince us that the President’s daughter would be in a Federal University? If any of them were to even school in Nigeria, it will be in one of those Universities that cost millions of naira to attend. The leaders are scared that the people might take their anger out on their children.
I was expecting drama, suspense, intrigue, but I got none of that. Apparently, the fear of rustication hinders anyone from fighting inside the campus. Why then did Nollywood always show the two top “big girls of campus” bitchslapping each other because of a man?
Studying in Unilorin is a rollercoaster. Everybody thinks you have it all good and easy. And yes, you might have some things easy, but the frustration nko? E plenty.
Here are some of the ways University of Ilorin will seriously frustrate your life.
1. Transportation.
Too little buses for too many students. That’s one simple way to describe this frustration. But see ehn, YOU WILL QUEUE. YOU WILL QUEUE OHHH. And when that queueing doesn’t work, you will trek too.
2. Dress code.
It would have been better if they stuck to their list, but Unilorin? NO. Imagine being stopped by dress code for having waist length braids. Or for wearing sunglasses they consider too large.
3. Hostel allocation.
If you are going to Unilorin and you expect to get a hostel, my dear, you better start summoning whatever gods you believe in. You know why? Something must surely happen that will make sure you don’t get that hostel even if you qualify for it. Imagine what happens if that hostel is the only source of accommodation you depend on.
4. Light issues.
Again, living on campus is not as palatable as you think it is. You know why? Light and water palaver. Expect BC messages from the Student Union Government though. They will tell you they are trying their very best. SUG Cares.
5. Timetable.
Honestly, the timetable is usually fair. Until you resume a new session and realise that 100 level Education students plus 100 level Agric students have 8am courses on the same day and time with you, a 300 level Accounting student. Pele my dear. Prepare to fight for bus like your life depends on it. Prepare to trek into campus.
6. ID Card wahala.
Your ID card is supposed to be for identification. But in Unilorin, it can also be for frustration. Security guards will stop you at the gate and will not hear anything if you forget to wear it. You can be heading to your faculty and you’ll hear that dress code officials are stopping people at the Motion Ground. New day, new wahala.
7. COMSIT wahala.
Whatever you do in Unilorin, pray to never have any issues with COMSIT. Just go down on your knees and pray it now. There’s a reason for that prayer.
8. CBT tests and exams.
CBT in Unilorin is a tug of war. Prepare to stay under the sun. Prepare to fight people for your space in the queue. You know what’s worse? When you’re halfway into the exam and your computer trips off, so they have to restart it for you with a different set of questions. God abeg.
9. Lecturers who want you to write exactly what is in their head.
Oh you think Unilorin does not have them? Them dey everywhere oh. Just pray you don’t take their course. Otherwise, you will keep swimming in a river of carryovers until you figure out the hang to answering their questions.
10. Level advisers that won’t actually advise you.
May you not land in the hands of this kind of level adviser sha. Otherwise, you are on your own.
11. Project supervisor that is not always on seat.
Hmm. Your mates will be in Chapter 3, you will still be waiting for approval on Chapter 1. Last last, you will be asked to submit Chapters 1-4, and then that’s where another wahala will come in, because where will they have time to review it?
12. The sun.
I know this is not Unilorin’s doing, but please. Let us blame them small. That sun in Unilorin can suck moisture from your life.
Please be kind to any Unilorin student you meet. They are going through a lot.
Have you ever been broke in school? Down to your last cash, and no means of help in sight? Then this list will bring back memories of endurance and longsuffering.
1) Exercise
It’s not every time you get in a bus or a car. Sometimes, you cruise with your legedes benz. You just want to feel the sun on your back again. It’s not like you’re broke
2) Food
You get adventurous with your food options. When you’re broke is when you start combining corn and bread, garri and vegetable, etc. We will be praying for your stomach
3) Borrowing
Whatever you need that you don’t have? You’d borrow. Textbook? Hanger? Hot plate? BORROW. Borrow borrow make you fine, and who doesn’t want to be fine?
4) Hard work
If you used to take your clothes to get washed before, suddenly you’d remember your great grandfather was a clothes washer in his past life. Laziness be gone.
5) Friendship
You disappear immediately after class now, before one of your friends decide that’s when they want to try a new bukka that opened last week. Anytime you see your friends, you run
If you watched a lot of movies set on university campuses before you actually got admitted, there is a possibility that you had a wrong idea of how things work in these places. Here are some of the lies movies have told us about life at the university:
1. The lie: You will have a flexible sleep schedule
The truth: Your early morning lectures will rob you of this. Even when you don’t have 7 AM classes to attend, the thought of the assignments you have to turn in will keep you up for a long period of time, downing insane amounts of caffeine or finding other creative ways to stay awake.
2. The lie: You will have money to eat out all the time
The truth: Not like you won’t eat at restaurants or anything, but there will be times when you realise that cooking in your hostel is the best thing you can do for yourself.
3. The lie: You will always hang out with your friends
The truth: To be honest, if your friend isn’t in your faculty, department, or hostel, chances are that you won’t see them for weeks non-stop. At best, you will run into them while trying to get to a 9 AM lecture.
4.The lie: University life is all about parties and getting wasted
The truth: Let’s just blame Hollywood for this. No, you won’t go to parties every weekend. And you won’t be hungover when you go to your classes on Monday. Not when you have a lot of courses to catch up on.
5. The lie: You will be BFFs with your roommate
The truth: The odds of this happening are actually very small. Sure, you can be friendly with them, but they won’t become the person you tell everything that’s happening in your life. Besides, you will likely change rooms and get new roommates every year. You can’t be best friends with all of them.
6. The lie: You will have a very active love life
The truth: See ehn, partners are hard to find, even in universities crawling with young and horny adults.
Unbelievable things happen on university campuses. Sometimes, the students are active players in these things. At other times, they can only watch as the situations unfold. This week, I spoke to a couple of students studying at University of Port Harcourt and got them to talk about the wildest thing that has happened to them. From run-ins with lecturers and cultists to extortion by security operatives, these students have some stories to share.
Angela— I fended off a lecturer’s advances and it became a problem
Sometime in my second year, I was at the faculty to attend a class when a lecturer called me into his office. He asked about my CGPA and offered to help me with whatever I didn’t understand about his course. I thought that was it until he reached for his desk and brought out some sweets, which he tried to feed me. I excused myself, telling him that I had a class to attend. He let me go with clear instructions that I had to return.
I didn’t go back and avoided him for the longest time. He asked my course rep to fetch me and dismissed her when we got to his office. Again, I was alone with him. He didn’t waste time this time before trying to kiss me. I was so disgusted that I didn’t know when I yelled at him to stop. He was taken aback and I used the opportunity to flee his office.
A few days before exams, he sent my course rep to tell me that “exam has come oh, how far?”
I knew what that meant. However, I didn’t go to see him. When the results came out, I got an E in his course — I did well in school and I was confident that I was poised for an A.
I told my mum what happened. My mum told my dad. And my dad reported the situation to someone in the school senate and the person took it up. It wasn’t fun for me. Suddenly, everybody knew about it and started to spread rumours. In class, the lecturer started to pick up on me. It was really overwhelming for me. At some point, I wasn’t interested in going to class anymore. It blew over eventually, but being in that situation wasn’t a fun thing. It was too much drama.
AJ — I was almost attacked in my lodge
One of my neighbours threw a party at my lodge. My friends and I hung around for a while before we got tired and went back to my room, thinking the night was over. Around 11 PM, one of my friends barged into the room, sick with worry. The only thing I could make out of what he was saying was that we should turn off the generator.
We turned the generator off. Then we found out why he was so alarmed. In the silence of the night, we heard the flat side of a machete landing on people’s backs, followed by loud screams.
It had to be a robbery. We quickly hid our phones because there was the possibility that they would storm our room too. We also looked for a potential exit point in the ceiling where we could hide if the situation became more than we can handle.
Within minutes, someone was knocking on our window, ordering us to let them in. Everyone froze in fright. We had no choice but to obey. We nominated someone to go out and open the door, expecting the worst.
Then this guy walked in with a machete and a gun. However, It was the chief security officer of my community. And he was there to disrupt the party we were at earlier because nobody bribed him before the party took place. So, he came there to extort people and physically harass them. It was either that or he would call the police on them. He searched the room, looking for weed, but he found nothing and left us alone. My friends and I got out of the situation unharmed, but it was really unsettling.
Chinwa — My friend laced my food with weed
I went to see a friend. She cooked noodles and offered it to me. I didn’t know, but she had laced it with weed. She was supposed to make my hair, but the weed took effect quicker on her. She told me she wanted to sleep and I decided to leave. I had barely made it to the car park before I lost all sense of self. Then I realised what she had done.
I flagged down a cab and offered to pay for all the seats. During the ride, I found out that I didn’t have enough money on me, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to get home. Nobody picked my call when I got to the hostel, so I had to climb the flight of stairs to get money to pay the cab.
It was the most difficult thing I’d ever done. When I finally settled all that, I returned to my room and flopped down on my bed. Now, I couldn’t sleep. I was so out of it that I could have sworn that the room was spinning in frantic motion.
I didn’t know when I finally slept off or for how long I slept. But I woke up with the worst hunger ever. But it was 11 PM and all the shops had closed. I couldn’t get food until the morning.
Ekele — I went clubbing with friends and became stranded
We had just finished writing the semester exam and there was a party at a club near one of the university three campuses — Choba campus. My friends thought we deserved to go out and have fun. I agreed to it after making both of them promise that we would leave early.
The plan was to leave the club around 9 PM. When that time came, my friends were nowhere near ready to go. I contemplated leaving them there, but I decided against it.
We left the club around 11 PM. However, the roads were empty, save for a few cabs. Our campus was about 30 minutes away but we were stranded. Eventually, we saw a taxi and three other people joined us. Midway into the trip, the driver said he wasn’t going to take us to our actual campus — Delta Campus — so, he dropped us off close to the main gate of Choba campus.
Now, it was 12 midnight or thereabout. And we were three ladies walking the streets of Port Harcourt. I’d never felt unsafe like that in a long time. We weren’t going to make it to the campus, so my friends decided that they would sleep at one of their friend’s, but I wasn’t up for that. I decided to spend the night inside the school. Luckily, one of my friends was still writing her exams and was studying at the campus that night. I found her and stayed with her till until morning. Finally, I got back to my apartment, rethinking my decisions from the previous night. I haven’t been to another club since that time.
Belema — I squared up with a suspected cultist
I was watching a football match between my department and a set of guys from another department. We were trailing behind on goals and tensions were already building up. Close to the end of the match, a player on the opposing team made a bad foul on a player from my team.
An argument broke out because of this and it didn’t die down, even after minutes had passed. Out of nowhere, a guy came on the field and declared the match over. He acted like he owned the place and this irritated me so much.
For some reason, everyone just stood there and did everything he said. I approached my coursemates and asked them why they let a “big olodo boy” tell them what to do.
A couple of his friends heard this and reported what I said to him. He was mad that I called him an olodo and turned his attention to me. He said a lot of things — about how badly he would deal with me. I don’t know where the strength came from but I stood up to him.
In the heat of the moment, I didn’t realise that my coursemates were asking me to keep quiet. Word was that he was a cultist. Things calmed down only because one of my coursemates called his brother, and for some reason, he was able to call him off.
I wasn’t scared of him at the time, but thinking about it sometimes makes me wonder what I was thinking and where the surge of confidence came from.
Students in Nigerian universities have stories to tell, but hardly anyone to tell them to. For our new weekly series, Aluta and Chill, we are putting the spotlight on these students and their various campus experiences.
The ultimate hack to surviving at any Nigerian uni is realising that everything is designed to frustrate you. In theory, this seems like such good advice, and maybe it is, but it doesn’t help to soothe the pain of everything the university throws at you.
This week, I spoke to a couple of students studying at University of Calabar and got them to talk about a frustrating moment that stood out for them. This is what they said:
Hope — Walked through hell to get a hostel room
Every year, students who want to stay in the hostel have to apply for it. That shouldn’t be a problem except that it’s a long, winding process to get a room. Usually, you need the help of a highly-placed lecturer to make sure it happens. I have stayed in the hostel since my first-year due to the help of a lecturer and I thought getting a room in my final year would be a walk in the park.
I was wrong.
When my name didn’t appear in the first list, I wasn’t worried. I called the lecturer and they assured me that they were working on it. That was good enough for me at the time. The second list came out and my name wasn’t on that one too. Sometime later, I saw the third list, and again, my name wasn’t there. To make things worse, the new occupants of my room came to introduce themselves and gave me a few days to move out.
The owners of the room finally evicted me, forcing me to move some of my belongings to a friend’s who had gotten a room. However, I couldn’t keep much there because she had someone in her room already. I wasn’t doing too well — I was sleeping, bathing, and cooking in three different places. It didn’t help that I was dealing with a lot of assignment and presentation deadlines either.
I was in a bad place emotionally. With a stroke of luck, I finally met another lecturer who was willing to help me. I wrote a letter to the hostel management and copied the lecturer’s office. However when I went to submit the letter, the people I met chased me out. It didn’t look like I was going to get a room and the reality of that broke me.
The management released another list. This time, I found my name on it. However, I got the hostel with the worst facilities. I thought it was something, so I didn’t think too much before I accepted it. My troubles weren’t over. I needed to buy a scratch card to process the room, but I didn’t have the money. This was probably the most frustrating part because I had given my family the heads-up three weeks earlier. I wasn’t going to lose the room because of this and after some back and forth, I raised the money and got the room.
Again, it wasn’t over. The state of the hostel didn’t sit right with me. I started looking into the possibility of swapping with someone else. I literally printed my number on posters and put them up in strategic places. That yielded no result. Eventually, I went from room to room to ask if anyone would be interested in swapping their rooms. Luckily, I got someone — some compromises here and there and the deal was sealed.
The entire process drained me mentally and it gladdens my heart that that was the last time I would have to go through it. The most annoying part had to be the fact that people who didn’t need a room got it easily while others had to walk through hell before they got one.
Daniel — His certificate was withheld
I wrote my final exams in October 2018. Unfortunately, ASUU went on strike the same month and I couldn’t defend my project. We eventually did that in May 2019, but it was too late to be mobilised for NYSC 2018 Batch B. We had no choice but to wait for Batch C. As the time for mobilisation drew nearer, it looked like we weren’t going to make that batch too. I had a bit of influence, so I put some pressure on the university officials to send our names to NYSC.
Fortunately, we made Batch C and we were mobilised. That was where my problems began. The school doesn’t issue a statement of result, they give out the official certificate immediately. When it was time to collect the certificate, I went to school and was hit with the news: my name was not on the list, so there was no certificate for me. Funny enough, I was the only one affected in the entire faculty. Someone had omitted my name. And nobody could explain why that happened.
It was embarrassing because I missed out on another batch. It became harder when I started to see pictures of my classmates in camp. That was when the tears came.
Fortunately, my friend stood by me, and together, we started to find ways to fix the situation. A few weeks later, the school called me to inform me that the misunderstanding had been fixed and my certificate was ready. It was perfect timing because NYSC camps across the country were going to open for another orientation course in a few days. I’m not sure what happened the first time, but it was really tough for me.
Emmanuel — Got into a situation because his bag was stolen
Sometime in my second year, I went to study at night class with my class rep. He was using a Samsung Galaxy, so when he wanted to sleep, I asked him to keep it inside my bag. It was safer there, or so we thought.
Sometime later, I slept off too. When I woke up in the morning, I realised that somebody had stolen my bag. We tried to call the number, but the phone had been switched off. After searching frantically for a few hours, we decided it was time to live with the fact that the bag and its contents were gone.
A few weeks later, I got different calls from a lady and two guys. One of the guys introduced himself as a pastor of a church and he claimed that I had come to his church the previous day and stole a phone. He wanted me to return the phone if I didn’t want any problem. Apparently, the guy who stole my bag had gone to steal at the church too and left my bag there.
I tried to explain the situation to the man, but he wasn’t having any of it. The following day, the supposed owner of the phone called to threaten me with arrests.
This was more than I could handle. I reached out to my dad and some people from my church. While they were working it out, some people advised me to go to the school’s security unit and report the missing bag.
I went to the unit but the guys wanted to extort me. They asked me to write a statement, which I did. However, they weren’t going to act on it until I paid them #5000. I told them that I didn’t have cash on me and one of them exchanged numbers with me, asking me to call me when I had the money. Luckily, my dad called me moments later to inform me that the matter had been settled. That was a huge relief.
The security guy called later and wasn’t too happy to hear that I was out of the situation. He tried to make another play to instil some fear in me. I just hung up and blocked him.
Mary — Wasted a day trying to write an exam
There was a general course exam I wrote when I was in 100 level. I was still a fresh student and was trying so hard not to make a mistake, so I got to the venue 30 minutes before the exam. Where I lived at the time was so far from the school but I made it work.
One hour later, the exam had not started. They kept us outside the venue and told us that the exam coordinator was not around. Apparently, they hadn’t printed the exam questions. We waited and hours passed, yet this exam didn’t start. All of my enthusiasm fizzled out.
Around 6:00 PM, they asked us to go and come back at 6:00 AM the following day. I had another exam to write on that day and it got really overwhelming for me. By the way, the exam didn’t start until 8:00 AM the following day.
Emmanuel — Missed an exam
It was my first semester at university. One of my math exams was slated for 9:00 AM on the timetable. However, the time was changed to 8:30 AM a day before the exam. I wasn’t in my class WhatsApp group because of my classmates’ bad texting behaviour. Somehow, I got information about the change from a classmate.
On the day of the exam, I got to the venue 10 minutes before the start of the exam and waited for the exam officers. They came and started to call names, but I didn’t hear my name when they were done. I looked into the faces of everyone around and realised that none of them looked familiar., More importantly, I couldn’t see any student from my department.
Eventually, I saw someone from my department. According to her, someone just called her that the venue had been changed too. We rushed to the new venue together to deal with a new situation. The exam had started an hour earlier than originally scheduled. We approached the examiner and begged him to allow us to write the exam, even though there was only 30 minutes left on the clock. More students joined us and it was clear that the new information didn’t reach a lot of students.
However, the examiner was adamant that we wouldn’t write the exam. He was pretty sure that we stayed outside to get the exam questions and cheat in the exam. Time ran out and he gathered all the scripts and left.
Everyone who didn’t write the exam trooped to the department to inform the HOD. He promised that a supplementary exam would be held the following week. Before the week was over, the man changed his mind and told us that we were all going to carry over the course. And that was what happened, everyone who missed the exam failed the course. It was a whole lot for me — I didn’t even want to study at UniCal. I was working with what I got, then this happened.
Rajunor — Spent two days at the bank
I had certain fees to pay when I was in 100 level and the instruction was that it should be paid into the school’s microfinance bank account. The bank was somewhat far from my department, but I trekked the whole distance. The plan was to breeze in, do everything I had to do and leave. It wasn’t supposed to take longer than 30 minutes. I got there and met a mad queue. I had no choice but to join in.
Everything started to get to me when random people started to approach me claiming that they were behind me. I didn’t know how to fight, so I reeled it in. Hours later, the bank stopped attending to us and asked us to come the following day. My entire day was wasted.
I returned to the bank very early in the morning the following day to meet another queue. The bank hadn’t even opened yet but there was a mammoth crowd waiting. Finally, the doors opened and they started attending to us. But the lines weren’t moving this time too. I realised that this was happening because people were paying for their friends, slowing down the line in the process. I had reached boiling point at this moment but there was nothing I could do about it. So, I stood there wondering why it was so hard to pay money into an account.
I knew I needed to pay the fees on that day if I wanted to preserve my sanity, even if it meant that I would miss my classes. After suffering in silence for a few more hours, it finally got to my turn. And a few minutes later, I was out of the bank with broken spirits, an empty stomach, and two wasted days.
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Every student must have heard of the saying: “Don’t let the school pass through you, pass through the school”. With that in mind, these are 11 things everyone who passed through Nnamdi Azikwe University will immediately get.
1. When you pour water downstairs and the hostel portress shouts “gbadata ana”
Just get ready to do anything to get out of the situation
2. How you live when you own a generator and everyone tries to be your friend
Think free food, free knacks, free gifts.
3. When you see your friend, hands filled with Roban goodies.
Bebe, ngwanu gist me.
4. How the flowers at Chike Okoli look at you when you pose to take a picture.
We be making your pic swoon-worthy.
5. After admiring your crush’s shirt and trousers, then you find crocs on his feet.
What a waste of my admiration.
6. Everyone, when they see anti-cult coming to the hostel
Everybody scatter.
7. When you alight from keke and driver doesn’t have #10 change.
Oga, don’t play with my intelligence.
8. When your quiz is in two minutes time and you can’t find an empty shuttle.
I need a miracle in my life.
9. When you haven’t paid your fees and you remember Esimone is not Ahaneku.
#BringBackOurAhaneku.
10. When that smitten church brother invites you for night class
Brother Solomon, are you sure your ways are pure?
11. When you hear that Esimone has finally installed CCTV Camera
The University and other tertiary institution campuses are the melting point of all sorts of experience. At the forefront are the people in their different elements. You can try and escape some, but there are others you can’t miss. The list is exhaustive, but here are some of them:
The Wannabe Politicians
No worries if it took you some time to realise that your campus mirrors the country in many ways. At the helm are the students politicians. You might have campaigned for them or belonged to one of their many WhatsApp groups when you were fresh, but by the end of your second year, you’d realised how identical they are with the ones you’ve known all your life.
The Religious-Centric Folks
If you are like me and you’ve tried to count the numbers of fellowships in your school, there is a chance that you gave up mid-way. It is not all about the fellowships, but the people — they are usually on the hunt for new members. They are reminiscent of the Jehovah Witness guys your parents liked to avoid when you were younger. The thing is you are not quite sure how to deal with them – on one hand, they are calling you to God (heh), but again, they can be really unrelenting. They could stop you at times when it is not convenient for you to talk, or knock on your doors during periods you aren’t intent on receiving anyone.
The Hall-Porters AKA Monitoring Spirits
One of the downsides of living in a school-managed hall of residence is the presence of the porters. This shouldn’t be a big deal, but some of them are the absolutely worst; bent on making your life miserable. They are always watching closely, waiting for you to slip and make mistakes so they can fully ease into their element, threatening you with eviction and other forms of sanctions.
At the same time, some of them can be pretty chill, especially if you grease their palms with something.
The C-T-Y Squad
For many male students who have been in the school system for some time, the beginning of every session means it is time to scout for new babes, and their targets are usually the fresh female students. You will see them prowl fresh students-congested areas. They have a mission, and they will do anything to get that number and everything that comes after it.
The Attendance-Obsessed Lecturers
They really care about numbers. Their first mission at every lecture is to pass the attendance register around. The extra ones will closely monitor the sheet of paper as it is being passed to make sure no one is signing in proxy
And oh, God help everyone if the class is not filled up as they would like – that means one thing—impromptu tests.
Miss-Me-With-This-Lecture-Thing
These are the reasons lecturers are extra with the attendance thing. The only times you are sure to see them is during course registrations, tests, and exams. A few sporadic appearances on some days, and that’s it.
Hey, Look at me, I’m brilliant
You don’t have to lie; these people lowkey make you rethink your desire to get a education – like why do you even bother? They have all the answers and will engage or debate topics with the lecturer effortlessly. You, on the other hand, can only contribute blank stares and occasional nods. Pele.
When you got admission into university, you were excited about a whole new life. You were ready to revel in a new kind of freedom, away from your parents and the annoying curfews and rules they set to curtail your movements. You thought about a lot of things: what to do, when to do it, how to have the most kind of fun in your new life without anyone overshadowing your movements or moments.
You thought about your prospective roommate(s) too, but you didn’t give them much thought. How bad could it be? Who could be as horrible as the sibling you shared your room with? If only you had known that there was horrible and there was horrible. Once the life started, you started to amass stories because of these people, these roommates and their varying behaviours:
The Annoying Cleaner
You always thought you were clean enough. Growing up, you always heard that cleanliness was next to Godliness. You had that shit on lock – or so you thought until you met your roommate, and started to wonder if they were overdoing it, or you were only not as clean as you thought. At first, you couldn’t care less, so you watched in amusement when they complained about a sock on the floor, or plates you hadn’t washed in days.
Then, it got real. You started to lose your stuff. At first, you thought you were tripping and blamed it on your forgetfulness. But it was happening way too much. You couldn’t be that forgetful. You did a little digging and found out your roommate had been moving your stuff because they thought they were what? Trash!!!
“How dare you call my #500 recharge card trash because it was on the floor? Stay in your lane, puhlease!”
You learned your lesson, though. Anything you needed was kept out of plain sight. Life could be easier, but you had to adapt.
The Irritating Slob
You probably thought your “please-this-place-could-be-cleaner-roommate” was the worst kind of person you would have to deal with. Heh! It was only a matter of time before you realised how wrong you were. You changed rooms and was prepared to settle into a new life. Your new roommate wasn’t overbearing as the last one. They didn’t trouble you over the littlest things. Ha, life was getting better.
Then you started to notice a strange pattern; how the room would not be swept for days at a time if you didn’t do it. How making the bed in the morning was not a concept your new roommate was comfortable with. How your new roommate was not a fan of washing the dishes they used until weeks or months had passed. How their shoes were strewn around in the room, and their clothes were in a heap in a corner waiting to be attended to. And the worst of all, how they were so comfortable in the mess they lived in – thriving even.
You realised what a fast life this was, because now, you were the irritable, overbearing one who needed to take things easier.
The Turn-up Freak
At this point, you thought about living alone, but it wasn’t up to you. Your account balance said no, so you forged on, ready for whatever came next. Again, you thought the worst had passed.
You met your new roommate, and they seemed okay. You even had a honeymoon phase when everything was perfect. The new roommate was outgoing but it didn’t bother you. Soon, it became your problem. They started keeping late-nights or early-mornings, disrupting whatever you thought was fun during these moments e.g sleep. They had lost their key too, so you had to be the designated, irritated, and unpaid doorkeeper. Again, you stayed because you didn’t have a choice. That too shall pass you said to yourself.
The Roommate Without A Leash
At this point, you had given up. You were ready to face anything. You switched roommates again, and in came the new one. You knew something was off immediately you saw them. Their “over-friendliness” signaled an ominous feeling. You would find out soon enough. It started from borrowing little things you didn’t care about like your pen or something.
Then, your clothes, shoes, and every other thing you cared about stopped being yours. All your talk about respecting boundaries fell into the void. You weren’t your own person, anymore. They owned you.
Your Twin Personality
Now, your spirit had been broken. You were going to have another roommate. You knew what to expect now; something about them would make your life miserable. Well, if that was it, it was it. You were only a pawn in the game. Things started smoothly, but you started to count down to when things would go horribly wrong.
Nothing happened. Not in the first week, second, or third. Nor in the first month, second, or third month. You started to let yourself believe that nothing would go wrong, and for the most part, you were right! It took some time, but you found a match. One experience you could reminisce about without a dry taste hanging in your throat.
It has now been 85 days since the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) began an indefinite nation-wide strike at a NEC meeting held at the Federal University of Technology, Akure. Since then, the union and the federal government have met 8 times, going back and forth in attempts to come to a conclusion that satisfies everyone.
Leaders of ASUU and federal government representatives during one of their meetings.
Which is why I was relieved when, after a closed-door meeting with the leaders of ASUU, Senator Chris Ngige announced that the FG had released N163bn to settle some of ASUU’s issues. I was like “THANK YOU, JESUS! FINALLY” and figured that it would only be a matter of time before the strike got called off.
My celebration was premature though because not long after, ASUU came through like a wrecking ball and were like:
How cool would it be if press releases were released in meme format?
Dr Ade Adejumo, the Ibadan Zonal Coordinator of ASUU, spilled all this tea in a statement released by the union, dramatically titled “Re: N163bn released to ASUU: Putting the record straight.” He said that along with being untrue, the federal government’s claim misinforms the general public that ASUU collects money from the government.
Here’s an excerpt from the statement:
But the question to ask now is:
Well, here’s what really happened.
You see, in an attempt to identify and fix specific problems in Nigeria’s education system, ASUU carried out a NEEDS assessment on it back in 2012. The result of that exercise is what is called the Needs AssessmentRevitalization Fund (i.e. the money that ASUU is currently fighting the FG for).
TETFund is an agency set up to provide supplementary support to public tertiary institutions. Speaking about the whole thing, ASUU’s national leader, Prof Biodun Ogunyemi, clarified that while the union did receive N163bn, it was from the TETFund and not from the Ministry of Education for the revitalization fund.
TRANSLATION:
The Federal Government is still an onigbese and needs to pay what it owes before the strike is called off.
All this is fucking terrible because while the FG is doing all it can to eschew responsibility, public university students around the country are stuck at home with their lives put on hold.
It’s a few days to the end of my internship, and I’ve been thinking about the coming weeks. My editor asked me a bunch of questions about my birthday, I found it weird and suspicious.
A bunch of conversations later, I ended up here.
1999
The 6 billionth human was born in 1999, and while I was also born that year, that human wasn’t me.
You know what else makes 1999 an important year? The first ASUU strike and the switch to the democratic government we’re ‘enjoying’ now.
Out with the military and in with the thunder. I wonder what those 5 months were like for students.
2001
I was a chubby baby, walking around the house causing mischief. I don’t know if my mum was tired of me draining milk from her body 49 times a day, but I ended up in Kindergarten.
While I was just starting school, University students were about to take another L for 3 months.
49 lecturers were sacked from the University of Ilorin and ASUU wasn’t having it. OBJ wasn’t ready to deal with their feelings, so he called them lazy Nigerian youth ‘lazy and ungrateful’.
2002
The baby boy was getting bigger and moving up the ladder. I like to imagine KG 2 was my boss year in Kindergarten.
I probably sat in the middle of the class, beside a pretty girl.
While I was enjoying my 3rd Christmas, ASUU was serving thunder again but not for very long.
The previous agreement had not been implemented and ASUU went on a 2-week long strike.
2003
Did anyone else have a long WWE wrestling phase? I know I did and it started when I was 4.
I’d come back home, speedily lose my uniform and beg my brother to play wrestling with me.
I always tried to do Kurt Angles ankle lock. Keyword being “tried”. ASUU too was experiencing trial and failure, the agreements still weren’t implemented.
While I was falling in love, ASUU embarked on the longest strike till date, a full 6 months.
2005
Four words – Lord of The Rings. The best movie of this century, argue with your pastor or priest. 6 years old and going outside every day.
After watching “Fellowship of The Ring”, I became Legolas with the bow.
The downside is that I may have fired it at my sister and got a major ass whooping that evening. University students were about to feel some heat too, as ASUU was getting ready to interrupt academic once again. 2 weeks later things were back to normal and I was scheming how to make another bow.
2006
The first time I ever heard the word ASUU was in 2006. My big brother was in his first year and I had outgrown wrestling.
To be honest I didn’t have a partner anymore so I lost interest. He came home one day, ASUU had issued a warning strike and it was safer being at home.
He was back to school a week later though.
2007
Being the only child at home when I was 8 was beyond boring. My sister was in year 1 now, she had left me too.
I had my mom and dad every day, but making the lives of your elder siblings a bit more stressful has a unique taste.
I was busy playing outside, as usual, some parts of me missing them, some parts wondering if I should make a new bow and risk my mom knocking my teeth out, and they strolled into the compound.
Surprise surprise, Asuu had done it again. But I didn’t care really, it was the best 3 months of 2007.
2008
Junior secondary was when the real survival course took place. Avoiding seniors, trying to get food during break time and having my first real encounter with the sorcery called Math.
Normally I’d cry to my brother or sister and get them to show me a few tricks, but they weren’t around.
The one time I needed Asuu and they betrayed me.
You can imagine my delight when I overheard a conversation between my mom and my brother, mentions of a strike and ASUU. Unfortunately, they didn’t have the chance to come home.
I failed Math that term. ASUU went on strike for a week over demands for an improved payment scheme and the 49 “lazy” lecturers from the University of Ilorin.
2009
I hit 10 in 2009. I was still a short yellow chubby-faced boy, taking more note of the world but still having adventures outside.
The term had ended earlier than usual and the fun was about to begin. I was getting ready to “shoot” some arrows when 2 familiar figures strolled through the gate.
It had happened again, but this time it wasn’t going to be as much fun. My siblings wanted to graduate, not stay at home and count trees.
Those were 4 long months but in October, my siblings were back to chasing the GPA.
2010
It was bye-bye and see you later a few days to my siblings a few days after my 11th birthday. Once again I was Lord of the house and I would run around naked, stamping my authority with my royal buttcheeks. It was way more fun than it sounds.
I was done with another term and happy the holidays were here but I didn’t expect to see my brother and sister for another few weeks. I stepped into the house and there they were. I knew the routine by now. On the bright side, my Math scores went higher in the following term.
It’s safe to say I stunted on everyone in my class but it didn’t matter much, an extra year had been added to my sibling’s graduation date as the strike lasted for over 5 months.
2011
Moving to a new state is a life-changing experience. I didn’t know what to expect. But 5 months in Lagos gave me a growth spurt and puberty. It wasn’t bad so far.
My siblings were schooling in another state so it was weird to see them come home early December. No one needed to tell me ASUU was pon the strike again.
It didn’t last very long and some days after my 13th birthday, they were off to school again. It was the year my brother graduated.
2013
When you’re in SS2/SS3 your biggest concerns are WAEC and end of term parties. Thanks to having siblings I was also thinking about ASUU and the coming battles. Luckily my brother had already graduated and my sister was months away from leaving school too.
She dodged the bullet by a few weeks and finished her exams just as ASUU went on strike for 5 months.
On the flip side, it made her NYSC service a full calendar year, with all the many public holidays for the good of her sanity.
2017
At 18 both my siblings were long done with school, it was just me now. After the riot that happened in my school during my first year, I was praying nothing would try to mess with my graduation date.
I should have used that time and energy to grow my Instagram honestly.
A few weeks into the second semester of year 2- like a thief in the night – ASUU came and did their magic. I started calculating how these people were about to mess with my graduation date but my God is bigger.
They called off the strike in September and it was back to hustling for the GPA.
2019
Now I’m in my final year, months away from escaping this psychological torture for a certificate I’m not sure will mean much and they have come again. When we’re talking about village people being online, it’s ASUU.
At this point, I don’t know how to feel about the strike anymore, but I’d still like to graduate this 2019. On one hand, I almost enjoy not being in school, being able to write, have a job and focus on my side hustle.
On the other hand, the sooner I leave this nightmare, the better. It looks like the strike will be called off soon, or it could last another 5 months as it did in January 1999.
Things are never as they seem in Nigeria.
One thing’s for sure now, I just want to be happier with a healthy bank account.
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