Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121
Bus conductors | Zikoko!

Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • 7 Skills Conductors Have That Everyone Needs

    Honestly, the don’t teach people how to be a conductor in school because you’d be unstoppable, a potential super villan and you might even unlock hidden parts of your brain. We decided to share this knowledge because you deserve.

    1. Ridiculous parkour skills

    You could even parkour your way out of traffic, I am jealous.

    You know how conductors hop on and off buses at anytime? Imagine if you had that? Spiderman no do reach that one.

    2. Megaphone voice

    Wouldn’t life be great if people always heard what you said loudly? Will people start to avoid you? Yes, but that’s not the point. Best of all, when you call all those delivery guys to explain your address as usual, they can’t claim that they didn’t hear you.

    3.  Singlets as a fashion choice

    Personally, I feel like no one should wear this but okay.

    The only other set of people that have been able to do this are Igbo men. So, imagine your power, I am shaking in my boots.

    4.  Ability to make friends

    You and your new friends hanging out.

    Y’all are always complaining about how hard it is to make friends as adults, well conductors have mastered it. Of course by friends, I mean LASTMA officials and thugs. So, do with that what you must.

    5.  Mathematical skills

    Where do I even start? These people have their third eye open because there is no explanation for this. Imagine having this skill? The world is your starting point dear.

    6. Good grip

    I don’t know where your mind went to, but thats not what I meant sha. Cleanse your mind.

    7.  Ability to negotiate with traffic

    Even the president hasn’t solved this one, imagine your power>>>

    Do you know what it means to be able to solve Nigeria’s traffic issues? Especially in Lagos? You’ve really made it be that.

    Malakai Bassey

    , ,
  • How To Be A Lagos Bus Conductor

    This is for everyone who is considering a career in bus conducting. And even if you are not, this guide will help you understand why Lagos bus conductors behave the way they do.

    1. Have crase in your head.

    There really is no other way to be a bus conductor if you subtract that important ingredient called crase. No, it doesn’t mean you have to be mad-mad, but be ready to change it for anybody depending on the situation.

    2. Be a proficient liar.

    And it must be one simple lie: “Two more chance! Two more chance!” even if the entire bus is empty. Once the passengers enter and see that you lied to them, hold them back and say, “Make we find one person join am. We go dey go now.” But still stay there for one more hour.

    3. Jumble all your words together.

    Are you loading Yaba and Oshodi? In your mouth, it should become “Yab-Oshod! Yab-Oshod!” so that the passengers will wonder when Sanwo-Olu created a new area called Yab-Oshod.

    4. Whatever amount the passengers give to you, shout at them that you don’t have change.

    And to show them pepper, tie two unrelated passengers together based on N50 change so that they will follow each other with anger in their hearts. You are an agent of anger, do your job well.

    5. Sweetheart, as a conductor in the busy city of Lagos, don’t shower or wear clean underwear.

    In fact, don’t wear underwear at all. When the bus moves, stand over passengers and bless them with the scent wafting from your unwashed armpits and your private part which you will constantly reach out to scratch. Don’t forget to touch passengers with those hands.

    God bless the work of your hands.

    Kunle Ologunro

  • 25 Tweets That Explain The Daily Struggle Passengers Have With Bus Conductors

    1. When the conductor refuses to stop for you because it’s not the “bus stop”:

    They’ll just be shouting, “No be bus stop be dis”.

    2. All the hatred you feel when the conductor is busy enjoying breeze outside and you’re sweating like Christmas goat inside:

    3. All those perverted conductors:

    Can you please keep your hands to yourself?

    4. When you nearly miss your bus stop because you can’t even understand what the conductor is saying:

    https://twitter.com/OhTimehin/status/646392291893071872
    Which language do they even speak please?

    5. Never ever EVER ask a conductor for directions:

    They’ll just help you loss.

    6. When you can’t find your money and you’ve already been giving the conductor eye:

    https://twitter.com/veignmagazine/status/861336633681039360
    It’s not a joking sturvz.

    7. When you forget to collect your change from the conductor:

    It can pain.

    8. Conductors always manage to “forget” giving you change:

    Conductors are the real scum tbh.

    9. That annoying thing conductor’s do when they join your change with another passenger’s own:

    Like, really?

    10. When the conductor leaves with your change, it can really pain:

    Like, really.

    11. Really, when the conductor does not give you change, it can pain:

    https://twitter.com/Adda_Fadi2/status/856895371481624580
    It’s not even funny at all.

    12. When you’re trying to form ajebo to call your bus stop, conductor will just be looking at you like:

    https://twitter.com/gabrieltoluwani/status/856276715315892224
    What is this one saying?

    13. If you want to collect your change, you have to switch language for these conductors:

    You cannot be forming ajebo for Lagos conductor.

    14. You can really never be too sure when it comes to conductors and change:

    Especially when there’s no money on these here streets.

    15. When you’re staying jejely in your lane and the conductor uses his own to jam you:

    But why na? Is it fair? Ehn?

    16. When you want to do strong head after the conductor has said he doesn’t have change:

    You get mind sha.

    17. That awkward moment when the conductor starts fighting on top of your head:

    https://twitter.com/Rouvafe/status/864869578530328576
    Sha don’t punch me please.

    18. Waiting for the conductor to give you change like:

    Oya o…

    19. When the conductor is trying to do strong head and doesn’t want to give you your change:

    I go show craze for here today.

    20. When the conductor is acting like they sent him to you:

    If na play you dey play just stopeet.

    21. When you decide to unlook and give the conductor bad money:

    https://twitter.com/couth__/status/806609186385723393
    Eez like you don’t even like yourself.

    22. All those conductors that like running away with change:

    https://twitter.com/TheTPL/status/783981509875294208
    Where you dey go?

    23. And all those conductors that’ll be abusing somebody anyhow because of change:

    If you like abuse, just sha give me my change.

    24. You when the conductor asks for money again after you’ve already paid:

    https://twitter.com/LazyWrita/status/758988331216539648
    It’s like something is worrying you.

    25. When the conductor starts telling you to “dress, dress”:

    Dress yourself.

    More Zikoko!

    https://zikoko.com/general/10-things-you-no-longer-remember-you-were-taught-in-english-class/

    Ronke Otega

    , , , ,