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Break-ups happen. Suddenly, that person you couldn’t go a day without speaking to is grouped with the other mistakes of your past. It’s a tale as old as time.
But how do you make a clean break without relapsing and torturing yourself with memories of the good ol’ days? That’s where we come in. Follow this guide carefully.
First of all, throw “closure” away
Closure shouldn’t keep you from moving on from a broken relationship. Why do you need to go back to someone who broke your heart to ask them why they broke your heart? People will argue that it’s necessary, but all it does is make your emotions more fragile than they already are. Just accept the breakup has happened, no going back.
Allow yourself to grieve
One mistake we tend to make is to hurriedly pull ourselves together. This isn’t the Olympics, dear. They’re not catching latecomers. This was someone you imagined a future with. It’s okay to mourn the loss of that future. It’s better to grieve now than to be doing “What if?” three years later.
Don’t lie to yourself
Deep down, you know you can’t be just friends with this person, so respectfully decline if they come at you with any “We can still be friends” BS. Unless you can live with that. In that case, do you, boo.
Declutter
Removing their pictures from your social media isn’t immaturity. It’s self-preservation. What would you gain from staring at loved-up pictures from the past or re-reading those sweet texts? Throw everything away.
Don’t be shy to block
You might be tempted to stalk them on social media or read meaning into their posts. Save yourself the heartache and block or hide their profiles. And by block, I mean, don’t go sending messages to check on them either. They’ll be fine. You need to be fine too.
Do things that bring you joy
This might sound cliché, but immerse yourself in the things that you enjoy. Go out and try out that hobby that’s been on your bucket list for the longest time. The more you fill your time with things you love, the less time you’ll have to mope about your love life, and the more likely you are to find a replacement.
Talk to friends
You’ll need an accountability partner for the days when you’re tempted to risk it all and call up your ex.
Never forget the possibility of disgrace
If you skip everything else, never forget the possibility of disgrace. The person who broke your heart once can break it again if you lose guard.
Being bullied based on an actual or perceived sexual character is something many Nigerian women are familiar with. I mean, we’re a society that calls women “ashewo” for travelling alone or just having money.
It’s our “normal”, but no woman expects to be slut-shamed by a significant other. Yet these seven Nigerian women have experienced it.
“He shared my nudes with his friends” — Dordor, 23
I was 20 when I started dating this 35-year-old man. The age gap was serious, but I was going through a lot with my family, which made me run away from home. He was there for me, even though he also had some drama of his own — he’d just been dumped by his baby mama. Somehow, we grew close and started a relationship.
Eight months in, he gave me his phone to do something on his WhatsApp. I’m not the type of girlfriend who wants to know what you’re doing on your phone. But that day, I found his chat with his married friend who lives in Canada. Lo and behold, there was a gif image of my vagina. I was shook.
I scrolled through the chat history to find several sexual voice notes I’d sent to him. It turns out the guy was bragging about my sexual nature to his friends; I was the smallie he’d deflowered.
I read everything and just kept quiet. When he came back and noticed something was off, he asked, and I confronted him with the evidence. You won’t believe the MF denied it. I left his house so I wouldn’t break a bottle on someone’s head, and he kept calling and threatening me not to leave him. I blocked him everywhere. The following day, as early as 6 a.m., I got a voice note from him — via a second number I’d totally forgotten about — begging me in the name of God. LOL. The relationship ended there.
“He claimed I was exposing myself… while breastfeeding his child” — Nina*, 27
I always thought my husband was a sensible person until we had our son in January [2023].
As a first-time mum, I had a difficult time adjusting to my reality. My mum left after one month of omugwo, and I was basically on my own till my husband returned from work every night. I think I even had postpartum depression.
When our son was three months old, we attended a friend’s wedding. It was my first time at an event after giving birth, and this boy was seriously showing me pepper. He kept crying, so we were juggling between petting and feeding him. At one point, he refused to take the bottle, so I had to breastfeed. I noticed my husband’s face change and asked what was wrong. He said, and I quote, “See how you just brought out your breast in this crowded place. Those guys were staring and lusting at your nipples. You should know how to cover up. Your whole breast is out.”
I don’t know whether it was the frustration, but I gave him a good piece of my mind right there. I’m sure the table beside us heard my voice. My husband started begging and promised never to try it again. He hasn’t tried it again.
I have mostly male friends, and I met my ex-boyfriend at a party hosted by one of these friends. That’s why I’m still shocked he woke up one day and told me to stop talking to my male friends.
We’d been dating for about six months at the time, and he knew I’d been friends with most of these guys for years. Even my friends’ girlfriends knew me and had no problem with me.
He started by dropping murmurs about how I felt comfortable being around guys when I know I have a big ass. Talking about, “What if they think you’re giving them green light?” or “Don’t you think they’ll hit it if you allow them?”
The complaints soon progressed to, “No one wants to be just friends with a fine babe like you”. Foolish lover girl that I was, I thought he was just joking. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he tried to prevent me from attending one of the guys’ birthday parties. His reason? I looked too hot, and he thought I’d stopped talking to the guy. I dumped his insecure ass.
“He hid my thongs” — Favour*, 22
I started wearing thongs about a year ago because I was tired of the noticeable lines normal panties show when you wear a tight-fitting outfit.
The first day my boyfriend at the time noticed it, he went bonkers. According to him, only sex workers and strippers wore thongs. He also said it’d attract undue attention from men. I thought he was joking, but the next time I went to his place for the weekend, he took my thongs from my bag and hid them while I slept. In the morning, I couldn’t find them so I asked him. He said I was proving stubborn and that he’d rather buy me dozens of new underwear than allow me to wear thongs again. Funny enough, I didn’t break up with him then because I thought his offering to “protect me” was romantic.
“He accused me of wanting attention at the pool” — Lizzy*, 26
My ex-boyfriend and I planned a pool date. I don’t know what he expected me to wear, but he was visibly shocked when I turned up in a bikini. I started getting attention from other people there — male and female alike — and he took offence. He said I deliberately wore a bikini because I wanted attention from men. I had to tie a wrap around my waist till we left.
“He wanted me to stop posting on social media” — Abby, 20
My ex had issues with guys commenting on my pictures on Instagram. Ironically, he also used to drop “likes” on other girls’ pictures.
According to him, likes were his way of acknowledging he saw your post, but comments meant you liked what you saw so much you had to talk about it. He said posting pictures and allowing comments suggested I wanted validation from other men when I already had him. I didn’t stop, and we later broke up because he cheated on me.
“He insulted me on the first date” — Toyin*, 27
From our talking stage, I really should’ve known this guy was “traditional” when he said he believed women shouldn’t work and should be taken care of by their men.
We decided to meet up for a first date after talking for three weeks, and I wore a bodycon dress. The date was okay, but when it was time for him to drop me off, he said something like, “If not that I know you’re a good girl, I would’ve mistaken you for someone who does hookup”. He then advised me about dressing in certain ways to avoid sending the wrong message. He also talked about how it was only hookup girls who wore anklets (I was wearing one).
I calmly listened to all he said and blocked him everywhere immediately after getting home.
*Some names have been changed to protect their identity.
I caused my first and only real heartbreak at 21, but even though it felt like tearing my heart out, I’d do it again if I had to.
I met Joseph* in 2014, our first year at the university. We were still settling into school life, and he was this active, outspoken guy who seemed to be everywhere at once. I, on the other hand, was what you’d describe as a wallflower. When the time came for us to choose a class governor, he was the obvious choice. That was how we got close. A lecturer had given us an assignment due at the end of the day, and I was nowhere near finished, so I met Joseph and begged him to delay submitting everyone’s work by an hour. He did, and that’s how we became friends.
He soon started telling me he liked me, and I liked how it seemed he only had eyes for me. We started dating about a month after the assignment incident and were together through all five years in school. It wasn’t all smooth, though.
Joseph was a loud and very ambitious person, a walking representation of an “I must get everything I want” mantra. He always wanted to be better than everyone, the poster boy of success. I’m the direct opposite of that.
As the daughter of a preacher, I grew up with a contentment mentality. My siblings and I were taught to enjoy the simple things — food, a roof over our heads and just enough money to meet our basic needs and maybe help those around us. Even though I started rebelling against religion around the time I entered university, I still have the same mindset. Economists tell us that man’s needs are unlimited; we’ll always want the next big thing. That sounds like a wasted life to me, where you can’t enjoy what you have because something else looks better, and you just need to have it. For as long as I can remember, I’ve just wanted to be. Not to want something so much, it affects my life.
This personality clash was the major cause of the fights Joseph and I had.
When he ventured into student union politics in our second year, he struggled to understand why I thought he needed to focus on his studies instead. He also didn’t understand why I was angry that he decided to spend all his savings on a Nokia Lumia when he still had a perfectly working phone because, in his words, “Everyone is using Nokia Lumia now”.
He also expected me to get that his sudden friendship and partying with shady guys on campus was because he needed to boost his street credibility ahead of running for student union president. Through all this, it didn’t occur to me to leave him. He was all I knew, and maybe this was due to his “must-have-everything” nature, but he constantly showered me with love and attention. There was no reason for me to want more.
The extent of how far he’d go for success only became fully apparent to me after we left school in 2019. He didn’t go for service immediately because he had to sort out some issues with the school’s senate, so I worked my NYSC posting to the same state we were in so he wouldn’t feel left out, and I’d be closer to him.
But even with that, he started getting frustrated about his mates being ahead of him, so he told me he’d decided to make money via internet fraud. I was shocked. This was someone whose parents were quite comfortable and who lacked nothing. His rationale was, Nigeria didn’t reward honest work, and that his parent’s money was theirs, not his. He gave two of his cousins as examples. They’d been working for about four years at the time, but still couldn’t afford a car. As is typical of him, he gave what he thought were convincing reasons why he had to “make a name” for himself. He said it was so he could also provide for me. He assured me he’d only do it for a few years until he made enough money to leave the country.
That’s when I mentally checked out of the relationship. If he could go this far to make money he didn’t really need, what happens if he someday became broke? I knew I had to leave, but I didn’t know how. Then about four months later, in late 2019, he landed a tech job. I was relieved, thinking it’d be the end of internet fraud. But remember what the economists say? He was used to having more and didn’t want to be limited to a salary, so he still did fraud on the side. That was what finally gave me the courage to end the relationship. I cried for weeks after, but I know it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
He’s a high-flying tech bro now — I see his exploits every now and then on LinkedIn — but I know he’ll always be looking for the next big thing, legal or not. I can’t live like that. If I’d stayed, we’d probably be a “power couple”, but I wouldn’t be at peace. I may never gather enough money from my 9-5 to go on a luxury vacation or japa, but I’m fulfilled with what I have; a career, friends and good health. I’m at peace.
*Names have been changed to protect their identity.
Love is great, and we can’t help but go “awww” at the cute things people in love do. So we understand being invested in relationships you know only because of the internet, especially the ones on Big Brother. For context, Yvonne and Juicy Jay from Big Brother Titans broke up yesterday. Like all good things, they’ve come to an end, and you have to move on from a relationship that’s not even yours. Don’t worry sha, we’ve got you.
Reminisce on the good times
You were rooting for them for a reason. Try not to think about the fact that their relationship is done, and instead focus on all the premium relationship banter they gave on the timeline and all the cute pictures they shared on the timeline.
Mourn the relationship in private
Please, try not to cry more than the bereaved. Don’t go wailing on the timeline or asking questions that have nothing to do with you. You can cry, but only on the inside.
If you’re going to pick sides, do it with sense
They’ve broken up, but you don’t have the heart to let both of them go and, that’s okay. You’re allowed to pick sides, just do it without throwing dirt on the other person’s name and dragging them like you had a stake in the first place.
Yes, it felt like you knew every detail of their love life, but you need to remember that you don’t actually know them. You can’t afford to invest too much time and energy in their break up.
Resist the urge to be a monitoring spirit
As tempting as it is, don’t stalk their pages to see if they’ve moved on or if are subbing each other, or if they’ve gotten back together. You should always mind the business that pays you.
Block both parties
Remember that you don’t know them in real life, so you can always just block or mute them if it all gets too much for you.
Face your front
After all is said and done, remember that it isn’t your life. You have your own relationships, finances, and KPIs to focus on, so face front.
Break-ups are hard, so if you must end your relationship, make sure you do it one of these 11 times.
End of the year
Everyone knows December is the best time to cut people off. Make sure you do it early enough, so they can use Christmas jekuje to get over you.
January
If you couldn’t break up with your partner in December, try January. They’ll be too busy trying to survive the month to hate you, and they’ll not expect any Valentine package from you.
Valentine’s Day
Imagine being dumped on lover’s day? They’ll see the humour in it in the future. And whenever someone asks them what they got on that year’s Valentine, they can say breakfast.
Because no one said you couldn’t break up with them on your own birthday. Make sure you collect your gift before you tell them you’re not doing again sha.
Relationship anniversary
Wait till your anniversary and break up. This way, they won’t associate the break up date with bad memories alone.
House party
We all know Nigerians must play truth or dare at parties. Choose “truth” when it’s your turn, and tell them you’re not doing again.
Because how can you be celebrating independence while you’re living in bondage?
On a Monday
They already don’t like Mondays, so what’s a little heartbreak to go with it? We advise you pick one close to month end, so they’d have money to get comfort food.
April fool’s day
So if they ask you to return all the gifts they’ve given, you can say it was a prank.
On a Sunday
Tell them you saw it in a revelation, simple. They won’t even try to argue with you because what good partner asks you to disobey God?
At a wedding
That way, they can easily find your replacement there.
You can try to deny it, but we all know this breakfast will touch everybody in the end. So instead of crying and just feeling miserable, try these fun things instead.
Go to the gym
And not only because you can put all your anger into getting a revenge body or get strong enough to fight your ex’s new partner. But with the number of people going to the gym nowadays, you may find your next love of life there.
Start a business
You may not even need capital for this business. Just take all the gifts they bought you, and the ones you bought for them too, and sell them online.
Date their family member
Find someone in their family and date them. If you can’t get their parents, go for their siblings. Because who says you can’t remain in the family just because one relationship didn’t work out?
Start a podcast
Everyone knows, the more chaotic a podcast, the more fun it is. So you’ll be sure to drag your partner and warn people about love. Maybe you’ll even blow in the process.
Attend an orgy
Because who’s going to stop you? You can now go out into the world and have all the sex you want without anything holding you back.
Become a musician
So many heartbreak songs, and you’re letting your pain go to waste? You better use your sense and cash out.
Research
Whether it’s finding books to read on how to be more wicked or the nearest coven in your area, do it. Because you can’t allow yourself to be a mumu twice.
Catfish your ex
You already know how this goes. Pretend to be someone else and wait till they’ve started to catch feelings before you ruthlessly dump them.
We all cope with breakfast differently. Some people find God and become more prayerful, while others start to stress-eat. We’re all for dealing with it in the way you can, and food will never break your heart. So, here’s a list of foods you can eat after they serve you breakfast.
Akara
Think about it: you’ll buy beans (in this economy), soak it, peel it, and you’ll still not be halfway through the whole process of making it. By the time you’re done, the breakfast they served you will be the last thing on your mind. Stress eating, you say?
Ice cream
You want something cold and sweet to calm you down as you remember the old times when your mumu was too much.
Cold beans
We told you not to catch feelings but you didn’t listen, and now you’re eating cold beans at 2 a.m. because you’ve used all your energy to cry. Keep eating, dear. There’s light at the end of the tunnel.
Strong Ponmo
Take out all your anger by chomping on a few pieces of strong ponmo and you’ll be feeling better in no time. This could even pass as working out.
If you think you still want to fight for your love, you’ll need energy. That’s why you should buy fufu and eat — cold fufu to be precise. You’ll likely fall asleep but when you wake up, you’ll be waking up with renewed energy ready to fight for your love.
Your feelings
Yes, you’ve been served breakfast my dear, and they’re not coming back. Now is the time for wickedness. Eat your feelings and swallow them. You’ll need to work on yourself and get back to the streets.
Jollof rice and chicken
This one is for when you’ve gotten over the breakfast and are now looking to properly enter the streets. You need to be very well-fed because you need the energy to withstand all the shege you’re about to see.
So you’ve just served your lover breakfast. But to make them feel better, you try to stay in contact with them. Don’t!
If you don’t know how to handle things after serving a person breakfast, I’ll show you how. .
First, you need to feel bad
You just showed another person’s child pepper. You should at least feel bad for what you just did.
Don’t breadcrumb them
If you don’t know what breadcrumbing is, it’s the unfair act of giving a person just enough attention to keep them interested in you. It’s a wicked thing to do because you’ll just be serving them breakfast more than one.
Block them and don’t attempt to call them after they block you back
You don’t want to give them PTSD when they’re trying to get over you. If you feel somehow about them blocking you, just face your front and mind your business.
But you can Invite them to church
This is the best time to remind them that they’re your brother/sister in the lord. They came to you trying to find love but they found God. How awesome is that?
Get on your phone and send them the ugliest throwback pictures you have. The ones that’ll make them ask how they fell in love in the first place.
Disappear
Just leave them alone. Don’t call or text them. Don’t even act like you’re alive anymore. Some folks call it “ghosting”.
Move to another city
You don’t want them running into you at random places. Since you asked for space, it’s best to put plenty of space between yourselves by moving to another city.
Respect their wishes
If they don’t want to be friends, don’t try to be friends with them by all means. Respect their wishes so they don’t vex and come after you for serving them the breakfast they weren’t craving.
Just like Burna Boy predicted, last last you eventually chopped breakfast. Or maybe you’re the one who dished it. The point is, you’re still in love with them. No shame — it happens to the best of us.
If you’d like to put those feelings to rest, you’re in the right place.
1. You don’t
This was someone you thought you’d either get married to or date forever. Imagine going back to a talking stage with someone else? Ew.
2.Set apart three months (at least) for all the feels
Just let yourself cry and go through all the emotions. Don’t let your village people tempt you to do it on Instagram Live though.
3. Become an alcoholic
You’ve already lost your heart, why not lose your liver too?
4. Eat away your sorrows
Food is the best way to forget about someone you love. Don’t believe us? Try this dodo and ice cream combo and see if you still remember their name.
We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: the woman who lowkey misses her university bestie
To: Leila, the bestie she lost over a breakup
I’m writing this on a plane. I’m finally leaving the trenches called Nigeria, and I wanted to say goodbye. We never really got a chance to see each other again since we finished school in 2019. And I want to finally be honest about how I’ve felt over the years. I’m going to be in a different country, so what’s the worst that can happen?
If I’m being honest, we weren’t meant to be friends. Becoming so close happened by chance because if my friend, Caleb, hadn’t been crushing on you in our first year of uni, I probably wouldn’t have noticed we were in the same class. We were over a 100, so don’t blame me. Caleb was like a best friend to me, so when you both started dating at the end of our first year, you became my friend by proxy. I didn’t have a choice.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved you for all the reasons Caleb loved you and probably more. You were goofy, sweet, and you could relate to my obsession with TheVampire Diaries. But even with those cute things I loved about you, our arguments made it difficult to keep being friends.
When people say three is a crowd, I completely understand what they mean now. I lived it for the remaining four years of uni. First, you hated seeing me and Caleb study without you. Then, you hated him cooking for the both of us. Our arguments escalated to Caleb not treating you the same way as me. I had to take a step back at that point. There was way too much drama over one boy.
You tried to reconnect in our third year to “experience our friendship outside of me being Caleb’s friend”, in your own words. I was down for that. We slept over at each other’s hostels, did assignments together and planned every birthday together since we were born a day apart. I’d forgotten Caleb was supposed to be my best friend by our fourth year. Everything in my life was suddenly happening with you. So when you broke up after university, I didn’t expect it to affect us, especially after I gave up that friendship for you.
But you completely shut down like I couldn’t be the friend you needed. I left messages and called; I tried everything I could to help. At some point, I had to give you the space you were silently asking for. I missed you a lot. A year went by and you didn’t even try to call me. There were so many transitions happening in my life, and I didn’t have anyone to share them with. So I didn’t feel guilty when Caleb and I became close again. You’d made your decision to be a ghost, and I accepted that.
It’s been three years since the breakup, and now, we’re saying “hellos” and “his” like the last three years didn’t happen. It’s infuriating to act like we didn’t call each other sisters at some point, Leila.
I wish a guy didn’t have so much power over our connection. Now that I’m moving away, I think it’s important to remind you that I’ll probably always love you. The shallowness our friendship has reached doesn’t change the love we shared as friends in university.
December is to Nigerians what summer is to the rest of the world, a month of going crazy and being the best hoe you can be. With IJGBs coming back home for the holidays, the hook-up pool will be as wide (and as dirty) as Lagos beaches, but we’re here for it. As the first major December post-lockdown, this is not the time to be getting into relationships. Do you want to break up with your girl and make it look like it’s her idea? Here are a couple of moves you should try without having to cheat.
1. Become an Arsenal fan
Announce to her that you’re switching teams. Joining a club known for failure clearly shows that you have no plans to excel in life. She’d be forced to re-evaluate her future with you and before you know it, she’ll give up on you. Freedom to fornicate anyhow!
2. Go out to eat without her
They say the way to a man’s heart is food, but these days, that statement feels like a scam. We all know how Nigerian women love themselves some food – before you can breathe, “When are we going to try that new restaurant?” Go alone and try out that new restaurant she suggested. If you’re feeling extra, order pasta and put it on your IG story. You won’t meet her at home.
3. Start comparing her to your ex
Want to really set the ball rolling on your break-up so you can be free before the first IJGB lands in the airport? Randomly start comparing your girlfriend to your ex. “Folake would never…” or “Chinasa always made it this way.” Do this once or twice and she’ll either poison you or leave. It’s a risk. But, as the great philosopher Akpi once said, ”Take risks and succeed.”
4. Ask her to get on top
Every girl says she has “Megan knees” until it’s time to get on top and boom! They have arthritis. The next time you guys are having sex, refuse to contribute to the project unless she gets on top. In fact, create a timetable of who will be on top and when. She might attempt it the first time, but she’ll start wondering if the stress of being on top is even worth it.
[newsletter]
5. Suggest a threesome with her childhood friend
Omo, this is a big risk because she might end up saying “Yes,” which would trap you deeper into the relationship. But then again, it’s already the second day of December, so we’re running out of time and options.
6. Forget to flush
Even your best friend would break up with you because of this. What?
7. Respond to her messages with “Ok”
Imagine after she sends you a long text describing a very intense situation and all you respond with is “Ok”? There’s no way that relationship will see another day.
8. Start using her expensive skincare products in the wrong way
With the Naira falling like there’s no tomorrow, skincare products have achieved gold status. Really want to piss off your girlfriend? Use the most expensive products in her stash (hint: it’s always the products in tiny bottles). If that doesn’t do the trick, apply it wrongly and forget to seal them properly.
9. Get a Mohawk
Take her back through time with this affliction of a haircut. You also have to go all the way with this by making sure they dye the tip dirty brown. While your mates are getting dreads and looking buff, you’ll look like someone preparing to pass out of secondary school. Peak embarrassment for her, freedom for you.
10. Block her on social media
This is the last straw. Unprovoked, just block her on social media while the both of you are literally on the same bed. The shock alone will end your relationship that night.
People move on from relationships in many different ways. Some people move on in less dramatic ways and some move on in more dramatic ways than others, in hopes to make their ex-partner feel hurt too. The people in this article chose the more dramatic ways to move on. They talk about the most dramatic things they did after a breakup.
Jojo
Image used for descriptive purpose
I burnt his clothes. He left more than half of his stuff at my place and he didn’t think they were worth coming back for and that pissed me off. My reaction was to burn his clothes with me in the room. I think I hoped I’d pass out from the smoke or something. I just sat there in my smoky room and watched them burn.
We dated for 15 months before we broke up.
Femi
I was neither the heart breaker nor the heartbroken, but I was an active participant in the dramatic reaction to the heartbreak. I, however, got permission from heartbroken to share this. This event happened in 2001.
My friend got heartbroken by his girlfriend who was in a class higher than his at the time. After the breakup, he took me and two other guys to her room in the school hostel. He drove us in a minibus. We emptied her room. Each of us left her room with a different item. Imagine four big men going into the female hostel and coming out with one item after another. We took a small CD player, bookshelf, mattress, a few shoes (which of course had been worn) and the linoleum carpet which came off last and even the foam underlay. It was a complete rout. The only thing left in her room were her books and clothes and her small camp gas cooker.
All of this happened because he found out she had another boyfriend. When she was asked to pick between him and her other boyfriend, she chose the other boyfriend. She married the other boyfriend, who turned out to be the better choice.
Many years after the incident and my friends and I still laugh about how silly and dramatic the breakup was.
Tunde
I found out she was dating me and juggling a few other people while accusing me of cheating. The discovery made me decide to sleep with the girls she had accused me of flirting with. By the time I had slept with 4 out of the 6 women she accused me of flirting with, I realized I had done enough. She found about it from her friends, and although she was married already, the news still got her very upset. Her anger left like a shot of adrenaline in my soul. I do not think my reaction to the breakup was extremely dramatic.
Ella
I met a guy named John on Facebook in 2016, but I was dating someone at the time. John and I didn’t get to meet ourselves that that year because he was in the east and I was living in Lagos. We still had not met when we started dating in May 2017. I had fallen so in love with him and I was sure he was in love with me too because I was already dreaming of spending forever with him.
In 2017, I applied to uni, but I didn’t get in. John got me a form to attend the university he was and I got in. My admission finally came through in 2018 and I could finally meet him to being our love story. The love story wasn’t as blissful as I expected because just 3months after I got into the University we were already broken up.
I was so shattered. We already had sex and I still held on to the fact that he was my first sexual partner. I was sure I was going to spend forever with him. The madness and obsession started after we broke up. I felt shattered and broken because of how much I tried – I could not imagine not being with him.
The first step was stalking him all over social media looking for ways to get to him. We chatted a few times, but that wasn’t enough for me. I knew what I was doing to myself wasn’t healthy and I needed to move on so I started seeing other people, but I was still miserable. The stalking went on for a little over a year before I stopped.
I eventually met another guy on Facebook who looked a lot like him. We started talking and we eventually got together. I did all of this to make my ex-boyfriend jealous and I guess it worked because my ex tried getting back with me. He didn’t have good reasons for wanting to come back, he just wanted to have sex with me.
Ending a relationship is not always an easy thing to do, which is why you have to do it right. There are easy ways to break up with someone without hurting your feelings in the process. Here are some of the ways.
1. Leave the country.
Leaving the country is the best coping mechanism after a breakup. You’ll be too happy that you’ve finally to feel any kind of heartbreak. Their absence will also make you think of them less, out of sight is kuku out of mind.
2. Prepare a powerpoint presentation.
You need to prepare a presentation on things they could have done better in the relationship. Help them point out their flaws and mistakes. This way, you won’t be hurting your feelings or theirs, you’ll be helping them become a better person. Don’t forget to send this presentation via email.
3. Beat around the bush before breaking up with them.
Breaking up in a very straightforward way is very hurtful and unfair. You need to beat around the bush so you have enough time to process what is going on. It also helps them move on quickly. This is one of the easiest ways to break up without hurting your feelings.
4. Do not deliver the news face-to-face.
Send the breakup message via mail, or preferably via pigeons. Do not break up with anyone face to face. You don’t want to look at them while you point out what they could have done better or how they could have saved the relationship.
5. Use ‘you’ in your statements.
“You did, you said, you should have”… Let them know the relationship ended because of them. This way they’ll know it’s not you, it’s them. After all, the intention is to break up without hurting your feelings. We aren’t saying you should hurt their’s instead sha.
6. Do not grant their request for closure.
What sort of closure are they looking for that they can’t get on Ali express?. If they need closure so much, they should buy it on Instagram. You can also have it delivered to them if you are feeling extra kind. Giving them closure is a way of you exposing yourself to getting hurt and you don’t want to do that.
What do you do before you breakup with someone? Well, you should try out any of these seven things.
1) Eat
A hungry man is an angry man. So sometimes the reason you want to break up with your partner is because you’ve not had some good food in a while. Before you type that text, order yourself something nice, eat, and then really think about it.
2) Bathe
Temperatures are rising and heat sometimes can make you act irrationally. Before you break up, bathe. Let the cold water cool your brain. If you do this before you breakup, then you probably wouldn’t need to anymore
3) Sleep
Sometimes, you need to forget all of your problems. Close your eyes and sleep. Let the answer to your predicament come to you in your dream. Joseph whomst? You are the real dreamer here.
4) Take your partner for deliverance
If you have been complaining about a particular thing and your partner has refused to change, are you sure it is not time to get spiritual forces involved? Maybe you need to take them for delivernace first. When the spirit realm has also rejected their case, then you can move on.
5) Do a Twitter poll
Why not leave such an important decision in your life to random strangers on the internet? If your followers and their followers can’t control your life, what are they there for?
6) Check your horscope
It’s possible you only want to break up because Mercury is in retrograde again, or maybe because the moon is in Cancer. Before you take any drastic decision, make sure it’s not just the stars causing trouble again.
Your problem could be stress. What better way to destress than with Zikoko quizzes? By the time you’re done, your head would have calmed down and you can decide if you’d proceed with breaking up with them or not.
We can all agree that break-ups are awful. However, what we can all agree on is on coping mechanisms for breakups or how to get over them. Today, I asked seven Nigerian men how they dealt with or reacted to their worst breakup and all I can say is that folks have gone through it.
Obiora, 25.
When my ex broke up with me, I called a Bolt driver and I just entered the first destination that came up. It was to my workplace which was over an hour away from where I was and I didn’t even realize. I sat down in the cab largely despondent, at some point, I just started crying. My cab driver was sympathetic and was giving me generic advice about women and life and I was just there bawling. By the time the trip ended and I realized where I was, I just started laughing because why am I coming to my office at around 7 PM at night? I called a new cab and went back home and then stared at my ceiling till I slept.
Benji, 29.
The day my ex broke up with me, she came over and cooked and we were talking. Then she entered a long conversation and ended it with the thought that we would be better together as friends. My head couldn’t process it, and I remember asking her if she was joking. She said she wasn’t. I asked her to leave. I stayed there for a very long time then I called my friend and when he came over, he told me to snap out of it and then we ate the food my ex had prepared and played video games.
Ken, 24.
My ex broke up with me by ghosting me. One day, I thought I was in a healthy and functional relationship. Then one day, I just stopped hearing from him. He wouldn’t pick my calls, wouldn’t reply to my texts and was still posting on social media. I later heard that he had started dating someone else and I was just dumbfounded. For months, it felt like my heart was in my throat. I could barely eat, I couldn’t sleep, all I listened to was sad breakup songs. It took me months to get over it and I’m not sure I fully have.
Gregory, 29.
My ex broke up with me because she wanted to make her side-nigga, her main nigga.When she told me that she had been seeing someone else and wanted to pursue that other relationship instead, I started begging her. I knelt on my knees and was begging her and was telling her that I’ll be better, I’ll change etc. In hindsight, that was shameful but I did it. I ate my feelings away to the point I even put on a little extra weight.
Robert, 25.
My ex and I had a small quarrel over something and she said we are done. I thought it was a heat of the moment kind of thing and I didn’t realize she meant it. I went to see her and she screamed at me to leave her house otherwise she’ll pour me water. I think what I felt the most was confusion, I wanted her to tell me that I did something wrong so I could apologize for that. Till today, I have no idea. It threw me into depression for weeks, I could barely walk, I could barely talk. Then my friends started taking me out almost every day, I barely had free time to think about the breakup and eventually, I forgot.
Charlie, 27.
I broke up with my ex. People often think the person doing the breaking up doesn’t feel awful but I did. I discovered that she was texting someone else so I had to end it. It’s funny that I ended it because I was the one who was having heart attacks every time she posted that Bratz doll meme and I was the one who was waiting for her to beg me. She never did. So to get over it, I stopped using social media for a while. I went on a social media break and spent my free time doing anything that didn’t require my phone for over a month.
Timi, 30.
In January, my ex said that I was dragging her down in life and that I was unambitious so we needed to break up. It hurt because I had to deal with a break-up as well as a kick to my self-esteem. I was in a bad place for almost two months then I listed all the ways I could improve myself so that no one could ever tell me that again. From going to the gym regularly to getting more jobs, I have been throwing myself into my life since then. I’m happy that I’m seeing changes but I still hate that it was what she said that got me started on this path.
We don’t hear enough stories about men being heartbroken or dumped even though we all know it happens. Today, we spoke to four Nigerian men on the worst ways they’ve been dumped.
Tokunbo, 24.
I had this lady, we had been dating for about a year or so. I was still in uni then and one day she called me one day and told me she was pregnant and needed money. I didn’t remember having sex with her but we had done a lot of dry humping and you know foreplay but without sex. I was so scared that I didn’t even try to think, she was asking me for money for different drugs and food and I was sending it to her. I had given her over 50k. We were on a call one day and I heard someone in the background tell her to break up with me and that was it. She said “you probably heard that, that was why I called, I was never pregnant, I just needed money”. It still pains me till date.
Derek, 27.
So I dated this girl for over a year and things were really good. In my head, I was thinking ‘this is it, this is the one.’ One day, she just called me and said she has something to tell me, I asked what. She then said ‘I think we should end this, me I was confused and asked ‘end what?’. She then said this is why she doesn’t like me and then ended the call and that was it. I still don’t know why or what happened.
Chukwuma, 32.
A few years ago, I was dating this girl who was gearing to move to Canada to do her masters. I helped her plan and prepare, the plan was that with her there it would be easier for me to plan my move to Canada too. Anyways, after she travelled she called me once she could, then once again. After that, nothing. I called and called for days, texted, DMed, hell, I probably would have sent a raven if I could. Then one day, she started posting on social media. I still tried calling, no response. Next thing, I was blocked on all social media. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since that day. That breakup makes me go WTF till today.
Ayo, 26.
I discovered my girlfriend was breaking up with me because I saw her packing her boxes out of my house. You know how when you are with someone, eventually, they leave their toothbrush, their nightwear etc at yours? Yeah, she had all that at mine. One day, I walked into my apartment and she was packing all her things – she had a key by the way – and I was confused. I asked what happened and she said ‘we are breaking up’ just like that. I started asking if I did anything wrong, she didn’t answer me. She just packed her things and dropped my key and left.
Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Breakup hurts so much, but few things hurt as bad as friendship breakups. People spend years building friendships and lose them to very few conflicts. For people who downplay the effect of friendships breakups, here’s a list of reasons why they hurt more than anything.
1.No one to borrow money from without paying back.
Yeah, this certainly hurts. Now everyone would expect you to pay your debt back, if you were still with your best friend, your best friend would understand that Jesus has paid it all for you.
2.No one to have ‘‘we should not be doing this’’ sex with.
A big big loss. Everyone knows that’s top 3 enjoyable sex, the thought of this can make you swallow your pride and ask for forgiveness even when you are not at fault.
3.Nobody to test your sharp mouth on.
This is a real conversation between bestfriends.
I recently found out that friends argue for sport. You won’t have anyone to test your abilities on, at least you could playfully insult your best friend. Now if you tell a stranger that they are mad, you’ll be slapped so hard, you’ll see stars. Meanwhile, it’s just friendly jokes to you. Tears.
4.You’ll no longer be able to sleep with their spouses.
No more missions to accomplish until you find a new best friend.
One break up for two parties ☹️, it is one person that broke up with you, now you have lost them both. This really sucks.
5.No one to cry to when your 4 boyfriends are misbehaving.
Imagine 4 Nigerian men breaking your heart at the same time and you can only cry to yourself and your pillow. The pillow can’t form alliance on how to deal with them back. Tears x 2
6.No one to turn on their hot-spot for you.
Please, data is very expensive and your best friend would not want you to miss out on hot gist. Now, not only are you without a best friend, you are also behind on hot gist.
We are really sorry if we hit a nerve, please try to fix that friendship or beg the almighty for another one.
Gifting is a large part of relationships. Birthday, Valentine’s, relationship anniversary and other special dates are sometimes marked with gifts. But what happens when the relationship ends and your ex wants back their ‘gifts’?
For this article, I spoke to 7 Nigerians who have collected things back and who have had things gifts collected.
Enjoy.
Nonso.
I collected my basketball jersey back from my ex after we broke up. I felt she didn’t deserve to be with anything with my name on it. She could keep every other thing I got her but the jersey.
Blessing.
I was dating this guy, we were both coursemates at the time. So, I got him some things for his birthday. I think the whole package totalled about N45k. After a while, he started misbehaving. Was acting all indifferent and very cold. Long story short, he asked for a break up soon after. I said no p, but I calculated all the things I got for him and asked him to give me back my money. He did, and I used the money to spoil another guy I was eyeing at the time.
Uche.
I dated this lady for about six months. One day I got tickets to a show in Abuja, a regular ticket because that was what I could afford. She got mad and told me that I see her as a cheap girl. I told her she doesn’t appreciate what I do for her because it cost me money to get those tickets. Right there, she started comparing me to her friend’s boyfriend. At that point I had my fill; I told her that if she does not want to be with me, then she should break up rather than compare me, an entrepreneur, to someone who worked in a financial institution. She said that will be better.
I thought she was joking. Next thing, she yanked my durag off my head and removed my wristwatch. Both were gifts she got me on my birthday. A Tom Ford wristwatch that cost about N100K, and the durag that was in season because of the BBNaija trend. She said she invested a lot in those gifts and didn’t want me to have anything that belongs to her.
Tolani.
So this guy gave me a hoodie as a birthday present while we were dating. When we broke up, he called me to bring the hoodie because it was the only ash one he had. I kuku returned it.
Ayomide.
My sister had been dating this guy for like eight or nine months. Then things went south between them. Two days before they broke up, he sent her 10k. When the break-up happened, he asked her to return his money. As if that wasn’t enough, he brought back all the gifts she gave him during the relationship, including the matching wristwatch and chain, and asked her to return the gifts he got for her too.
Juliana.
I met this guy at work. I was an admin staff and he was the driver of my direct boss. He visited my house twice after work, but I never bothered to find out where he was staying; we mostly saw ourselves at work. During this period, I lost my phone. It was stolen from my office desk, so he offered to buy me a new phone and he bought the Nokia 3100. This was 2005, so it wasn’t a bad phone for that time. In the one year that we dated, I never went out with him. I guess he got tired. When things eventually ended, he collected his phone back.
Michael.
I used to give my first girlfriend part of my university allowance to save and keep for me so that I would not spend it. When we broke up, she went away with my money. In my present relationship with this babe, we invested some money together in crypto and she has the login for the wallet. It’s basically her wallet and her account. Now we’re drifting very much apart and I have no access to my investment, neither capital nor profit. If we ever break up, I’m definitely collecting my money back.
If you have experience getting your heartbroken, you can tell when it’s about to happen. But if you don’t, learn these lines very well because once you hear them, shit it about to hit the fan.
1. So, remember that my ex…
If they use this line, just start crying. That same ex that broke their heart and you had to be there for them is who they’re remembering now. Just pack and go.
2. I think we need to talk
If your partner tells you this, just get ready to start composing a Twitter thread for the. You already know what the “talk” is.
3. It’s not you, it’s me
This one is borderline gaslighting because everyone already knows that this line is the most used excuse for breaking up with someone. If they use this line for you, fight them.
4. What would you do if we broke up?
You have the chance to redeem your dignity here. Just say something aloof like “Meh, I’ll be fine. I’ll move on. You?” Because if you say something emotionally charged like “Oh I would kill myself”, their group chat would be in flames with mockery of you that night.
5. I don’t want to hold you back
Hello!!! Who said anything about you holding me back. Hold me back. Keep me, I’m your palliative.
6. I’ve been thinking a lot and…
Nobody sent you message to think. Please I beg you, don’t think. Just forget everything you’re thinking about and let’s go and watch a movie. Don’t utter any other word, please.
7. I’m on a journey to self discovery
Wahala for who no wan discover themselves o.
8. I know you’re going to hate me for this
“Hey Siri, play Marvins Room by Drake”
9. I’m just not ready to settle down.
I will wait for you. Please. I WILL WAIT FOR YOU!!!
10. Where is this going?
It is going somewhere. Please just wait and see first.
11. You’re going to make someone so happy someday.
Are you not somebody? Answer me, are you not somebody?? It is you I want to make happy. Don’t do this.
Students in Nigerian universities have stories to tell, but hardly anyone to tell them to. For our new weekly series, Aluta and Chill, we are putting the spotlight on these students and their various campus experiences.
A lot of things in life are fleeting. I might be wrong, but quite a number of relationships that happen in University don’t stand the test of time.
The subjects of this week’s story are students at University of Lagos, and they share their most memorable breakup stories.
Monica — He was in a relationship with 7 other people
I was in a relationship with this smooth talker sometime ago. I was convinced that we had a future together. He asked me to be his girlfriend with a poem. I don’t remember the full content, but it included something about how I was the one for him. Also, there was a line about how he loved me so much because his mother and I share a name.
However, a girl always called him every time he was with me. Of course, he downplayed it and claimed that the girl was obsessed with him. He was very open about our relationship, so I didn’t think I had anything to worry about.
My instincts, on the other hand, were on overdrive. The urge to get the girl’s number got too hard to ignore and I swiped it off his phone.
One day, I got really anxious and texted the girl. I asked her if he knew the man I was in a relationship with and she confirmed that she knew him — my boyfriend was also her boyfriend.
It was a big revelation, even though I took it as calmly as I could. I explained the situation to the girl. For some reason, she didn’t believe me. When I sent her all the receipts and pictures, she still didn’t think they meant anything.
I decided that we were over that night. I went to sleep with a testy eye and a heavy heart, with no clue how to get over him. The following morning brought more unnerving revelation. I woke up the next morning to see 6 different ladies calling him out on Twitter.
Apparently, he wrote the same poem for all of us and gave us the same corny story about us being namesakes with his mother.
Michael — We couldn’t make a long-distance relationship work
I was in 100 level when I started dating this girl. She was in her second year at the time. A little over a year after we started dating, she left the country to study, and she was going to spend 5 months there.
We probably should have ended it there, but we didn’t. We decided to give a long-distance relationship a shot, and it worked for 3 months or thereabout. After that, things started to go downhill. We couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong exactly, but it was clear that things weren’t the same anymore.
Luckily, she got back not long after. That was a lifeline. We talked things out and sorted everything we thought was wrong. We were still going — even stronger — and life was good.
Unfortunately, I had to travel out of the country too — I would be there for two years.
After I left the country, I realised that I needed to be free from the relationship. I was in a new country and discovering new things as I went, so I guess that I grew out of the relationship. We tried to keep it going for as long as we could, but it was only a matter of time. Eventually, we called it quits. On some level, I think I was relieved. The fate of the relationship was sealed the moment I left the country.
I started going out with this guy when I was in 100 level. We hung out a lot despite that we were in different faculties. Our favourite was to do was to go to the movies. It was my first relationship — there wasn’t any previous experience to compare it with, but I thought it was good.
My problem was his unwillingness to go to the extra mile for me. He was aloof for the most part. I was very big on celebrating important events like birthdays and Valentine’s Day, but he couldn’t care less about them. Also, he didn’t tell anyone that we were in a relationship. However, I didn’t turn any of this into a big deal.
And it probably wouldn’t be a big deal if he didn’t start to drift away from me. At this point, school had started to get hectic for me, yet I made sure to check in on him at every chance I got.
Things got to a head when one of my closest male friends saw him in the company of some girls and narrated what he saw to me. The way he put it, my supposed boyfriend was flirting with other girls.
This heightened my distrust for him. It didn’t help that we were barely talking to each other at the time. After a while, I realised that I couldn’t keep up with it anymore.
Surprisingly, he didn’t take it well when I told him I wanted to break up with him. The news riled him up. To be fair, he wanted us to give it another go. I was done, and that was all that mattered. It was my first relationship and it was great for a while, but I knew that it was time to keep it moving.
Tosin — I couldn’t get past his weird obsession
When I got to university, I was reunited with this guy I knew from secondary school. We were friends, so when our paths crossed again, we decided to be more than that. It didn’t take long for me to become deeply attached to him.
There were a lot of night walks to all the cool spots on campus. It was clear that we enjoyed each other’s company.
I’m not sure of the exact moment when this happened, but I realised that suddenly, I wasn’t crazy about the kind of guy he was. For starters, he was always posting a shitload of sexual content on his WhatsApp status. I’m not a prude, but the frequency with which he did this bothered me.
It triggered my trust issues and I found myself wondering what he was up to when I wasn’t there. When it became too much for me, I talked to him about it, hoping that he would appreciate that I was open with him and maybe get a grip on his obsession with nudity.
I got it all wrong. He got defensive about it. I would have let it go if he didn’t tell me that he wouldn’t mind blocking me if I wasn’t cool with his posts.
From that moment, I lost a lot of interest in him and the relationship. However, I decided to keep up appearances. Besides, I lived for our evening walks. Unfortunately, our walks couldn’t save the relationship. When it became clear that he didn’t really care about how I felt, I knew I had to kick him to the curb.
I took the easy way out, though. I started to withdraw from him. It became easy to forget that he existed. Whenever he wanted us to hang out, I would give some silly excuse to make sure it didn’t happen. Eventually, we drifted apart to a point where neither of us could claim to be in a relationship with the other, and we haven’t looked back since.
Can’t get enough Aluta and Chill?Check back every Thursday at 9 AM for a new episode. Find other stories in the series here.
Breakups are never a straight forward thing. It’s admitting to yourself that the forever you were talking about has expired in 3 months. Not an easy thing to do. Here’s a list of some of the most common types of Nigerian breakups.
1. The one where they break up with you.
A.k.a you got dumped. It’s usually painful and sometimes humiliating. Sometimes it’s entirely out of the blues, you drop a #couplegoals picture with a sweet caption on IG and then come on Whatsapp to see a paragraph detailing why the relationship is no longer working. Other times you see it coming and you’re like “Oh finally”.
2. The one where you break up with them
A.k.a you dumped them. It feels good sometimes but it also earns you the “wicked ex” title. You become the reason why somebody’s child no longer believes in true love and the inspiration behind the tweets they make going forward.
3. The one where you both just ghost each other.
With this breakup you just ghost the very existence out of each other. There’s no formal “it’s over” talk, no search for closure, just a mutual agreement to agree that the other person no longer exists.
4. The formal breakup.
This is the one where there is an actual breakup speech with closing remarks and sometimes a vote of thanks too. Sometimes it’s cordial other times Twitter hears about it complete with shocking details about each other’s private lives.
5. The informal breakup.
They one where they drop the message in the most belittling way. Or you just see them on a comment thread on twitter representing team single. Somebody whose number you saved with an emoji o. When you chat them up they hit you with a punchline from this list.
6. The breakup that spans over days.
This is the kind of breakup that spans over days because you are both still trying to talk over a lot of things. It’s a process. You both don’t really have closure yet so you keep meeting to talk about it and probably complicate the entire thing further.
7. The breakup where you both cuss each other out.
When you catch them cheating and you just lose your shit and cuss the hell out of them. And then you shout “It’s over” in case they didn’t get the drift.
So that’s 7 types of Nigerian breakups, which have you experienced?
Ending a relationship is hardly ever as effortless as romantic comedies like to make us think. It takes more than binge watching a Netflix show, eating ice cream and crying for one day to get over a breakup. The stages of a Nigeria relationship breakup are way more complex.
1. The mutual ghosting.
This is usually the beginning of the end. You both just stop talking to each other and your Whatsapp message thread suddenly becomes deserted land.
2. The official closing remarks.
Which is technically the actual breakup and is most often dramatic. If its an annoying one then it most likely sounds like something from this list.
3. The initial shock and denial.
Now it’s officially over but you’re still shook. You have been in the relationship for a while and being single suddenly feels strange. Do you publish a statement or do you just start flirting and posting single life memes? Very strange.
4. Then comes the rage.
The part where you unleash your craze because you just realized how much time and energy you invested in the relationship and it should not end like this. It becomes worse if the ex cheated. This is also when most people take to their twitter feed to drop nuggets of wisdom about the futility of relationships and how much of a scam love is.
5. Oh the pain.
Not beautiful pain please. This is one is the painful pain.
6. The chesting of the pain.
And then of course you pretend you are ok because somehow the end of a relationship gradually transforms into a competition to see who between the both exes is doing better. And there’s no way you’re losing this competition.
7. The part where you finally move on.
Or think you have. You go on new dates and meet interesting people so it seems a lot like you have moved on and are in a happy place.
8. And then the part where you run into your ex.
For some people, seeing their ex for the first time after the breakup takes them right back to stage 3. With even more shock if the said ex is already in a new relationship. Like how dare they?
Some of you might not agree, but I think a friendship breakup is a little more painful than a romantic one. Most people already know what to do when a romantic relationship ends, but the demise of a true friendship is so much tougher to navigate.
So, I decided to ask a few Nigerians to share their most painful friendship breakup stories. From built-up resentment to the sting of mistrust, these people all lost friendships that lasted years, and they can all agree on one thing: it hurt like hell.
Ify, 26/Female/7 years of friendship
I met her during NYSC and we became fast friends. I travelled across states to be her bridesmaid, and when I relocated to Lagos to start my new job, she and her husband housed me for a month until I got my own apartment. We were that close.
Since I was new to Lagos, I spent most of my weekends with her and her baby. I tried to help out as much as I could. I was cordial with her husband, but we only ever spoke when I visited. So, it was a surprise when I learnt she was uncomfortable with us talking.
Things got worse when I went to greet them after church service one Sunday. She was gisting with some friends, and I was making small talk with her husband while carrying the baby. She sent me a strongly-worded text after, warning me to respect boundaries.
I was really hurt and embarrassed, but I didn’t argue. I simply stopped visiting them. She tried to chat with me a few times after, but it was never the same. She never even apologised. I actually miss her despite everything, but I have and will continue to stay away.
James, 21/Male/2 years of friendship
We’d been like brothers for about 2 years, but then we had a terrible argument. Come to think of it, the fight wasn’t even that big a deal, but then he refused to apologise. I knew if I were in his position, I would have said sorry without hesitating.
The fact that he didn’t made me feel like I was the only one who valued the friendship. Then I started to hear that he was saying shit about me. We stayed in the same compound off campus, so we basically knew the exact same people.
I knew it was over when a mutual friend told me I should reach out because he was struggling with addiction. I texted him and he was still acting like a dick. I didn’t even want to be friends again, I just wanted to be sure he was okay. I still wonder how things would have gone if he just said sorry.
Tolani, 28/Female/14 years of friendship
We were a trio of friends and one of us was going through a particularly rough patch — struggling with her career and her relationship with God. To be fair, we were all struggling at the time, but I figured we’d be able to get through it together.
We talked about everything, helping each other accept our imperfections and strive to be better. I still don’t know why, but I guess life just hit her way too hard. She decided to take it out on us, and she slowly became very distant.
I knew it was over when she sent a message to our group chat saying she wanted to start afresh and she was cutting off everyone, including us. So she unfollowed us on every platform, changed her number and disappeared. It still hurts when I think about it.
Dapo, 27/Male/4 years of friendship
We became friends through social media. We both loved eating out, so we’d go to different restaurants every other weekend. We got pretty close after that, bonding over other things like our work struggles and our perpetual singledom.
Then all of a sudden, he became distant and would take days to respond whenever I hit him up. I asked what was wrong, and he said it was all in my head. I actually thought I was imagining it until two other mutual friends said he was doing the same thing to them.
I knew our friendship was officially over when my 27th birthday rolled around and he didn’t acknowledge it at all. For some context, he literally helped me plan my 26th birthday party. I’m definitely still pained and confused, but I’ve finally let it go.
Simi, 28/Female/18 years of friendship
We’d known each other since I was 10, but our friendship started to officially unravel during a period of sexual confusion for her. A babe I’d introduced her to, convinced her she was a lesbian and that I was in love with both of them. I wasn’t.
I knew it was over when I started falling into another bout of depression and she chose to chase the other babe, instead of being there for me when I really needed a friend. So, I packed up my things and left that friendship, literally and figuratively.
Timi, 29/Male/16 years of friendship
We lived right next door to each other, so we’d been best friend since childhood. We were so close, in fact, that the native name I bear today was given to me by his mother. We were basically brothers for the first 16 years of my life.
To be honest, I always knew he was a bit crafty and would do anything for money and power, but I never held that against him. Well, not until we were in uni — different schools — and he got close to a mutual friend whose parents were quite wealthy.
He side-lined everyone else and became an asshole. A few of our friends reached out to me to come talk some sense into him. When I came, he refused to acknowledge the mutual friend I came with and it almost escalated into a fistfight. That’s when I knew we were done.
He apologised a few years later, but the damage was already done. Our parents still live next to each other, and I still visit his mother whenever I go home, but I have no idea what’s going on in his life and, quite frankly, I don’t care.
Fola, 24/Female/5 years of friendship
I met her when I was in 100 level. We weren’t very close at first, but our relationship evolved and we became best friends. Even though I was always stood by her, I think our relationship inevitably broke down due to built-up resentment.
In 500 level, I got pregnant and it was a very difficult time for me. Two weeks after I gave birth, we were together and she gave me her phone. One thing led to another and the phone screen broke. I’m still not even sure how it happened.
She got angry and insisted I repair the phone. I was really surprised that someone who knew the emotional trauma and financial constraint I was going through at the time would be so thoughtless, especially since she was well off enough to fix it herself.
She said she didn’t send me to get pregnant and continued to insist. I sent her the little money I had left, and she never even repaired the phone. I eventually gave her a piece of my mind and blocked her. That was the end of the friendship.
PS: If you are here because you are about to dump somebody’s child and you need opening remarks please step aside. This is a well deserved pity party for those of us who have been hurt for the most unreasonable reasons. Here’s a list of the 9 most annoying break up lines.
1. “You deserve better”
Since when did you become so selfless? Are you trying to outdo Jesus? Is that it? You want to outdo Jesus?
2. “It’s not me, it’s you”.
But when did it become a competition? And even if it is a competition, when and how did you win?
3. “I need to focus on my work”
I have a job too and i am still in the relationship. And till date there’s no proof that I have 2 heads.
4. “I need space”
Give me the measurements. 10 millimeters? 20 centimeters? Talk to me.
5. “I don’t want to hold you back”
Mmm….But I never said you were a rope.
6. “You are like a sister to me”
But we have been doing things brothers and sisters don’t do.
7. “Lets just take a break”
Please clarify; do you mean lunch break, break dance or breaking bad?
8. “I love you so much it scares me”
Lies! Word on the street is that when people say this, the love they speak of is most likely non existent. But they can’t tell you that to your face so they say the opposite instead.
But I thought the relationship was between me and you. Another question please; why didn’t you ask them before chyking me?
That’s 9 of the most annoying breakup lines and ironically they are also the most used. It’s like every year a secret convention is held for people that want to break up. And then these lines are released to them in a brochure. Has any of them been used on you and have you yourself used any on someone else? You can tell us, we won’t judge.
And when you’re done you can click here to find out if you are an annoying person too. You’re welcome.
Breakups are hard. They are even harder when they don’t end on your terms, leaving you teeming with dozens of unanswered questions. Weeks, months and years have passed since these 8 women went through their most painful breakups.
Even though they’ve mostly moved on, they still have unanswered questions that haunt them. And I tried to give them some answers.
How was I the problem?
He didn’t go the usual ‘it’s not you, it’s me route’. He said it was me, that I was the reason he was ending thing. But he never said what it was about me that led to the breakup. Just gave me a vague “There’s just something about you, I can’t place my finger on it, but I can’t deal anymore.” I’m in another very happy relationship now, but sometimes I think, “What about me was the problem?”
Seyi, 25
This one is easy. He was the problem.
What does overexposed mean?
We dated for a little over a year. He just woke up one morning and said that I was overexposed. He mentioned a couple of other things. Like how I wasn’t traditional enough and didn’t respect the age difference between us (3 years). My only regret is the whole year I wasted with him, but I still wonder what the hell overexposed really means.
Nneka, 27
It means he was looking for the kind of girlfriend that will call him sir and help him wear his socks in the morning.
You had wife abi?
He just ghosted. We had been dating for a couple of weeks. The next thing I knew, he had blocked my number. It was like film. I wasn’t even that emotionally invested, but it pained me ehn. It has been like a year, and I still haven’t heard from him. If I see him now, I’ll ask, “Oga you had wife abi?”
Seun, 24
He probably did.
Have you met your goals now?
He said he wanted to focus on himself and I was distracting him from achieving his true potential. I’ve gotten promoted twice since we broke up and I know he’s still at the same position at the same job. I just want to ask if he’s achieving the goals he wanted to achieve.
Halima, 28
Eish!
Why?
Just “Why?” We were good, or at least I thought we were good. So I was completely blindsided when he said he was unhappy. Maybe I was too self-absorbed to notice that he was unhappy, but I don’t think so. It still hurts. A lot.
Onyinyechi, 27
It gets better. It really does.
Why don’t you have sense?
And that’s for everyone I’ve ever dated. It’s like I’m cursed or something because I’ve only ever dated people who don’t have sense. I caught the last one cheating, and it didn’t even surprise me because he had been moving mad from the beginning of the relationship.
Adedoyin, 25
We all wish we knew the answer to this one sis.
How do you fall out of love?
He said he just didn’t love me anymore. Which was a little inconvenient because, well, I still loved him. I know people fall out of love, I’m not ten years old. But how?
Sonia,23
🙁
What exactly did you tell her?
My ex left me for my best friend. Cliche I know. But I had dated him for like two months, and I was best friends with her for seven years. I’m not even concerned with what his reasons were. I just want to know what exactly he could have told her to make her free a seven-year friendship.
For a lot of people, meeting the right person and settling down is the ultimate dream. But what happens when you meet someone who checks all your boxes but has one red flag (anyhow behaviour) you just can’t ignore? The 4 people I spoke to today know what that’s like.
Dennis, 27
“She was tribalistic. Not even the hilarious type of tribalistic where one says insane stuff like ‘Igbos eat people’. She was so prejudiced against other tribes that if we existed in 1940s Germany, I’m fucking sure she would’ve bought into Hitler’s propaganda against the Jews and signed up to torture people at Auschwitz. The straw that broke the camel’s back? I am Igbo and she’s Yoruba. So I’d do something wrong and instead of correcting me or something, she’d be like, ‘Typical Igbo people behaviour yen yen yen!’ Best decision I’ve ever made.”
Maryam, 24
“He was so jealous and possessive that it bordered on abusive. He wanted to know where I was at all times, who I was with and if they were members of the opposite sex, etc. What made me sure about ending things? The fact that I watched my dad do the same thing to my mum all throughout my childhood. While he never actually raised his hand to hit me, I knew, based on my mother’s experience, that it would eventually get there.I had to run.”
Nnamdi, 29
“She was wildly homophobic and would say very ugly things about my brother, who is gay. I’ve met homophobic people in my life but she was so bizarre. We would be watching a tv show featuring a gay character and apropos of nothing, she’d just go, ‘When we have kids, we can’t let that your gay brother near our kids oh. Before he infects them.’ I love my brother. After our parents died, he practically raised me. So I wasn’t going to allow some ignorant woman to destroy our relationship. I gave her the boot.”
Ronke, 34
“He used to mock me because of my age. He would say shit like ‘It’s because I pitied you and asked you out. I could’ve been with one hot 20-year-old now oh.’ This is insane because I was 33 and he was 37 at the time, which in itself, is a whole other red flag on its own. When I would complain that the things he said hurt my feelings, he would get angry and demand that I stop being dramatic because he was only ‘joking.’When I couldn’t take it anymore, I told him to go find those hot 20-year-olds and I left.”
Before you leave, take this quiz to see how red your flag is.
Breakups on their own are horrible, but can you really claim to have had your heartbroken if you didn’t go through a uni breakup? We asked these ten people how their baes broke up with them in Uni and their responses broke our hearts.
“He told me that I was the reason that he was on a 1.4 G.P.A, so we broke up but he still finished with a third class” – Wande
“We had been supposedly dating for a couple of months, caught him with another babe and he said he didn’t know we were in a relationship” – Mariam
“I caught him cheating and he said it wasn’t his fault that, that’s how they are in his family and if I couldn’t accept that we should break up” – Doyin
“He got someone else pregnant by ‘mistake’” – Hauwa
“I found the Instagram page of his real girlfriend he had been dating for years, I was the side chick. Confronted him and he said I thought I knew” – Amaka
“She told me that her grandma had a dream that we should breakup, I found out months later that the grandma in question had died like ten years ago” – Lanre
“She said she wanted to focus on her studies, she started dating my roommate the week after we broke up” – Femi
“I just stopped hearing from her and seeing her around campus, it was weeks later I found out she had transferred to a school in Canada” – Osas
“He told me that if I really truly loved him deep down I had to let him go, till today I still don’t understand what that means” – Funmi
Ever been through a bad Uni breakup? Share with us let us help you deal with the hurt.
Breakups can be painful, messy or even easy. But nothing is funnier than when a breakup is petty. We asked eight people what the pettiest reason they ever initiated a breakup up was and their answers left us in stitches.
“He didn’t used to tamba after using the toilet, and he refused to do it even when I told him about it, abeg I couldn’t deal” – Funke
“Every single time I sat down to play FIFA she’d interrupt me. I mean every single time. She clearly didn’t like me” – David
“She had a hugeeee head. I had never seen that kind of head in my life before. Like it was fine until I started thinking of marriage, I couldn’t allow my kids have that kind of head” – Steve
“She said Ghanian Jollof was better than Nigerian Jollof. I was already on my way out of the relationship but that was the breaking point” – Lanre
“He looked almost exactly like one wicked teacher that tormented me in secondary school. I tried to ignore it at first but the relationship ended after 3 months” – Morayo
“He ate too much. That one on its own wasn’t even a problem but everytime I was eating he’ll start begging for my food. Like he’ll finish his own and still beg for my own again. The thing used to frustrate me.” – Ope
“I didn’t like his sister. She was my senior in secondary school and she used to punish me all the time. The day I found out, we broke up shortly after, I didn’t want anything to do with any family that can have that kind of wicked person(the sister).” – Faith
“When we met he was team beard gang, on our third date he came to pick me up with a clean shave it was like I was looking at another person, I stopped picking his calls after that date.” – Anjola
Breakups can be hard and messy, but they don’t always have to be that way. If you are stuck in a relationship you can’t seem to get out of we are here to help. We’ve come up with 10 spirit-filled excuses to get you out of it easily. Afterall who can argue with God?
“The Lord told me in a vision that you are not my missing rib”
Nobody is at fault here, it’s the Lord’s will and you can’t question the Lord’s will.
“I prayed about it and I don’t see you in my future”
Our destinies are just not aligned.
“My pastor said I should tell you that we are not compatible”
This is for your own good, don’t you want to be with someone you are compatible with?
“It was revealed to me in a dream that your soul mate is still on the way”
I’m only breaking up with you, so that you don’t miss your soulmate.
“It’s not as if I want us to break up, I just received a vision that we must break up”
It’s really out of my hands.
“I just want to focus on building my relationship with my Lord, God, Jesus Christ.”
The Lord is good all the time, and all the time the Lord is good.
“God revealed to me that it’s your best friend I’m supposed to marry in a dream last night”
There’s honestly nothing I can do about it.
“I see you as a sister in the Lord and so it’s not right for us to continue dating”
Let’s just focus on serving God.
“I just want to spend more time with God”
Abi do you want to come in between me and my God?
“It’s like God wants to call me into his service, I can feel it coming”
There won’t be space left for you once it happens.
“I don’t think we are equally yoked’
And God said we shouldn’t be with people we aren’t equally yoked with.
