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If you’re here, then maybe you should leave that relationship
Christmas is just around the corner, and people are prepping their matching PJs and getting their photographers ready. But for some reason, you can’t stomach the thought of moving into the festive season with your current partner. We see and understand you. We also know how you can end that relationship so you can prepare for your soulmate.
We would say send flowers, but the dollar is on a steady rise;so is the price of fuel. So send a bouquet of ugwu, carrots, and scent leaves to show your appreciation for the love you shared.
Instead of taking all the blame for the downfall of your relationship, tell them the truth: you had a great time together, but you can no longer deal with their bad character. If you return to your house soaked with water, charge it to the game.
If they ask why you think so, refer them to your bank account. That should do the trick.
It’s the low-budget moimoi that’s out to get you. If you can’t even love yourself and choose better, how do they expect you to love them?
READ: 7 Types of People You Shouldn’t Date
If all else fails, find whatever makes their skin crawl and act accordingly. Just don’t overdo it and end up becoming the creepy ex.
Tell them you’re leaving the country and you don’t believe in long-distance relationships. If they try to make you stay, report them to your mother as the weapon fashioned against you.
ALSO READ: 6 Ways To Break Up Without Hurting Your Feelings
Tell them you need a break because you want the love you share to grow and blossom like never before. If they don’t believe you, remind them that absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder.
Disclaimer: These are stand-alone tips. If you use them together, anything your eyes see, take it.
You might not have a boo for Burning Ram, but you’ll have all the eye candy and meat you desire.
Let’s not lie. Women give multiple chances. Screw up once? Apologise properly, and they’ll welcome you back with open arms. But everyone has a limit.
When they finally decide they’re done, they’ll do these eight things, and you’ll just know.
“Can I please get the keys? Thank you”. Don’t worry. What happened to the extra u’s is about to happen to you.
If you think she’s going to sit you down and explain how you’ve wronged her, then think again. Doesn’t matter if it’s in person or over a device, you’ll try to talk to her, and she’ll ghost you.
If you wrong her today, and the next time you see her, she has a pink buzz cut, just forget about it. Move on with your life because the woman you used to know no longer exists.
Dead the sweet names. She’ll take you back to the day your mother gave birth to you and call you every name on your birth certificate.
If you wake up in the morning and find that the only way you can communicate with her is via email. Good luck to you.
What are wrinkled clothes that she cannot wear outside? She’s done with you now, so go and find another person to play drycleaner with. Also, return her clothes and iron.
She’s done with you, and you want to laugh? Please, what’s funny?
Think of women leaving their things at yours as them leaving crumbs that’ll lead them back to you. If she takes her belongings from you and your space, then pack it up because even a thousand men cannot bring her back.
We all agree friendship breakups hurt the most, especially when it’s unexpected. So we’re here to make sure you’re at least not blindsided when it happens. The moment your friend starts doing these things, know they’re about to cut you off.
First, they pick up after the first three rings. Next, they start making you call twice. Before you know it, they’ve blocked you. Better shine your eyes.
Every day, you surf the internet looking for ways to put a smile on their faces, and they can’t acknowledge your hard work? It won’t be long till they ghost you. Trust us.
You post a hot picture on your status, and they can’t even send you a message to gas you up? Even small fire emoji they didn’t send? They clearly don’t love you, and it shows.
All their posts and tweets are always “My babe this. My babe that”. What about you? Don’t you do anything for them? Don’t they love you? They’re laying the foundation so they can claim they married their best friend when they cut you off.
Out of nowhere, your friend has started calling you out for spending your last ₦2k on shawarma or lying to get out of work. A good friend should support all your decisions, even the bad ones. So when they start pointing out your bad habits, o ti lo.
They’re already making memories with others. There’s no way for them to defend this. And before you know it, they’ve forgotten about you.
You’re always the one giving them gist. Every time you ask them what’s happening, they’ll give you one vague response, “Nothing interesting”. They know what they’re doing.
You may think it’s a good thing, but you don’t know they’re trying to remove all reminders of you from their life. A good friend will take your blouse and not return it, at least, until you ask.
The moment they start going out, especially with other friends, and posting fun pictures and videos about it, pack your bags. They don’t have the mind to break up with you directly, so they’re trying to pepper you and start fights.
Ahan! If they “threatened” to block or cut you off, what’s left to say again? It’s a new year, they’ll definitely do it. It’s only a matter of time.
READ NEXT: 7 Nigerians Share Their Worst Friendship Breakup Stories
Sunken Ships is a Zikoko series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Abike* moved from having Kunle* as a random mutual on Twitter to dating him even though he was monogamous and she wasn’t. In this episode of Sunken Ships, she tells us how his attempt to cheat after convincing her to be monogamous made her break up with him and his disrespectful jokes prevented them from remaining friends.
Abike: We met on Twitter. We’d been following each other for a couple of years before our first DM. Then we occasionally interacted, but nothing serious.
Sometime in April 2020, he tweeted that he’d delete his account if nobody texted him. Because of COVID and the lockdown, I was bored, so I texted him. If I could take it back, I would.
Abike: We were talking almost if not every day. He was very upfront about wanting a romantic relationship, but that wasn’t something I wanted. For one, I didn’t think I had it in me to get into one with anyone. The idea of committing to one person was stressing me out. We also lived in different states, and I didn’t want to get into a long-distance relationship. Plus, we’d just started talking when he brought up dating. I can’t date someone I barely know.
Abike: A couple of weeks after we started talking, I realised I’d fallen in love with him. He seemed genuine, and I never stood a chance. But he was always “joking” about how I’d leave him for someone else. I’m polyamorous; I’ve always liked multiple people at a time. Still, I didn’t understand why he thought I’d leave him for someone else. How can I leave you when we’re not together?
That’s why a month before we started dating, we stopped talking. He said it was because we wanted different things from each other, but I didn’t want to stop talking to him. The next day, he apologised and we got back to talking.
RELATED: Sunken Ships: We Should Have Friends Before We Dated
Abike: Yes. We didn’t start dating until May 2021. We were finally in the same state, so I decided to visit him. After hanging out with him, I decided I wanted to try the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing. One day, I told him, “You’re my boyfriend now,” and that’s how it began.
Along the line of our talking stage, I’d already blurted out I was in love with him, so it’s not like the feelings weren’t there. It’s just that it was weird. We’d stopped talking four times during the “talking stage”, all for variations of the same problem — he thought I’d leave him for someone else.
Abike: He did. Although before we started dating, when I told him I was also in love with someone else, he lied to my friends that he didn’t know I was polyamorous. They, of course, were not buying it because they themselves had told him.
Abike: Yes, we did. He was a lovely person even before we started dating. To congratulate me when I got my internship in February 2021, he sent me a box with some of my favourite things from a bakeshop.
Dating him was good when it was good. He’d make me playlists and randomly send me cute emails. One time, he even wrote a story for me just because. He’d set reminders because my memory was terrible, and he was so supportive. He wasn’t all bad I think that’s why I kept making excuses for his bad behaviour.
Abike: The “jokes” about me leaving him. They were exhausting because I didn’t give him any reason to think I’d abandon him. He wanted me to be monogamous, so I was. One week after we started dating, he even accused me of wanting to cheating on him with one of my male friends. It gets tiring constantly having to defend yourself for a crime you didn’t commit. Whenever he made those accusations, he always talked about how cheating was such an unforgivable offence. Maybe that’s why I was shocked when it turned out he was the one who tried to cheat on me.
Abike: We had two mutual friends. One day in June 2021, one of them called to tell me my boyfriend wanted her to come over and suck his dick. He said a lot of suggestive things to her, and she led him on to see how far he was willing to take it. The answer was very far. He kept trying to convince her she should come over to do it. It was so shocking because why would he even entertain the thought?
When I mentioned to him that she’d told me, he called so many times to explain that he only did it because he wasn’t sober. And because I’m a very foolish babe, we got back together a week or two later. I want to blame love, but omo.
Abike: No, it didn’t. We took a break in October of 2021. I usually don’t entertain the idea of a break because it just means a breakup, but I needed one. I’d started a new school, there was work, and I was getting used to my antidepressants. I needed to rest. When he brought up taking a break, I took it. It’s funny how I could never have told him I needed a break because I didn’t want him to think I didn’t love him again.
A week after the break, he said we should break up, that he didn’t think he could make me happy because he was sick and angry all the time. I wasn’t unhappy, but that’s how we ended things.
After the breakup, I started thinking about the first time we broke up. What if my friend had never told me he wanted to have sex with her? Would he have come clean? What if she’d decided to go to his house, would he have slept with her? I couldn’t deal.
RELATED: Sunken Ships: We’re Working on What Friendship Means After a Breakup
Abike: It was, but I still wanted to be friends with him because I cared. When we tried the friend thing, we stopped talking at least three times for different reasons. In January 2022, we were supposed to hang out, but the night before, he said he was no longer interested because I liked someone else, and I should focus on my new person.
When my birthday was approaching in April 2022, he asked me if he could get me a gift, and I refused. That’s when he said, “It’s a birthday gift, not an engagement ring”, trying to play it off as a joke. At that point, our relationship was already weird. Why was he trying to make me the bad guy for refusing a gift from an ex I was in a weird space with?
Abike: The third time we stopped being friends was in October 2022. He mentioned something about wishing I was still in love with him, and I lost my shit. He tried to play it off as a joke, but I was annoyed. I was in love with him, he disrespected me. Now, I’m currently in another relationship. Why is he doing anyhow? That’s when I realised I didn’t have any grace left for him. So we stopped being friends. I told him off on the joke and stopped talking to him. Hopefully, this time, it’s for good.
So you just got served breakfast while living in your parents’ house. To you, the world is ending and you’re losing your mind. But to your parents, they can’t understand why you haven’t cooked for everyone in the house on a Saturday morning.
These are all the stages of going through a breakup in your parent’s house.
You’re in the denial phase so it seems like everything is normal. But that’s just the calm before the storm.
It eventually hits you that you’ve been dumped and suddenly you want to cry. But you can’t, because how do you explain that it’s love that’s doing you like this?
This is even worse if you have younger siblings because it’s Kunle that broke your heart, but you’re screaming at 11-year-old Joshua who just wants some help with his homework. Poor child.
You say it’s nothing, and when they push too far, you ask them to mind their business. You’re not wrong sha because nobody sent you to fall in love.
You finally get some alone time to let it all out, but as you start shedding tears, mummy calls you to go and buy fuel.
How won’t this happen after two intense weeks of pent-up pain while running too many errands? Your parents think it’s malaria that’s dealing with you but you know it’s your immune system trying to purge all the feelings you caught from your body.
Because you have coconut head, and you no dey hear word. Two weeks from now, you’ll be in another talking stage.
NEXT READ: How Will a Nigerian Mum React to Asake’s Mr Money With the Vibe album?
Breakups are hard, whether we admit it or not. A terrible breakup can have you in bed, weeping and refusing to eat for days. Even when it’s a mutual agreement to part ways, you might still struggle to navigate it.
Some people get over heartbreaks faster than others and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But for us slow lovers, here’s a list of things that helped me get over my own break up.
First, don’t lie to yourself about what happened. It has happened and there’s no going back. Also, forget about getting back together. It does you more harm than good.
Don’t read their tweets hoping for an inside joke or subs about missing you. They have new jokes now, new experiences you’re not part of, and you have yours too. This is a call to look at what’s in front of you.
RELATED: What She Said: How My Boyfriend Became My Stalker
Remember that they are not your person, not anymore. This means you won’t get updates on what they’re up to, if they got their visa, when they’re leaving or if they like the new girl they’re seeing. None of these concern you. You will learn to mind your business.
Don’t send them messages trying to check how they are doing, especially if you didn’t end your relationship on good terms. Remember that before you, they were okay, and after you, they’d still be okay. This also applies to you.
Cry when you want to. Hold yourself when you cry. There’s no use pretending you’re bigger than the hurt. You are a person who feels things. This too shall pass.
Fall in love. Not just with people but with things. Go outside, breath in air tainted with humanity. Go to the beach, watch how the waves come and go. Remind yourself that life is in cycles.
RELATED: Love Life: It Took Us 9 Years to Fall in Love
Talk to your friends; let them soothe you. Tell them about the pain. Don’t feel like you’re being a burden and no one wants you. They want to be there for you, so let them.
Remind yourself that you’re still the sun. Acknowledge your part in the breakup. Make your pledge to be better. Make a home in yourself so when this happens again, you know your way back.
We all know that dating Nigerian women is a game of chance so here’s a guide to keep you ahead of the learning curve.
A liar is a thief and a thief is… you already know the rest.
Too much jewellery on one outfit. Greeting everybody on the road with “chairman” or “boss”. Smh.
What is wrong with you that you can’t wash your hands? Is that the same hand you want to chook inside me?
If a Nigerian woman wanted an impatient partner, she would have just dated her mum. When she is doing her make-up, stop pacing around her — you are only making it worse.
Cleanliness is next to godliness and we all know how much Nigerian women love godly men.
If you know, you know. If you don’t know, I am happy for you. May you never be in any situation that will let you know.
I don’t understand, why did you now ask please?
The only thing we ride is okada, please. Anything that will involve riding is bad energy, let it stay far away.
We don’t have pockets so we have to carry bags then you who has pockets will be now giving us things to keep. Why? My friend, will you put your pockets to use?
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Is your relationship long overdue for a break up? Take this quiz and we’ll explain why:
What do you do before you breakup with someone? Well, you should try out any of these seven things.
A hungry man is an angry man. So sometimes the reason you want to break up with your partner is because you’ve not had some good food in a while. Before you type that text, order yourself something nice, eat, and then really think about it.
Temperatures are rising and heat sometimes can make you act irrationally. Before you break up, bathe. Let the cold water cool your brain. If you do this before you breakup, then you probably wouldn’t need to anymore
Sometimes, you need to forget all of your problems. Close your eyes and sleep. Let the answer to your predicament come to you in your dream. Joseph whomst? You are the real dreamer here.
If you have been complaining about a particular thing and your partner has refused to change, are you sure it is not time to get spiritual forces involved? Maybe you need to take them for delivernace first. When the spirit realm has also rejected their case, then you can move on.
Why not leave such an important decision in your life to random strangers on the internet? If your followers and their followers can’t control your life, what are they there for?
It’s possible you only want to break up because Mercury is in retrograde again, or maybe because the moon is in Cancer. Before you take any drastic decision, make sure it’s not just the stars causing trouble again.
Your problem could be stress. What better way to destress than with Zikoko quizzes? By the time you’re done, your head would have calmed down and you can decide if you’d proceed with breaking up with them or not.
[shortcoe]
These days, too many relationships are ending in tears, even relationships you never thought would end in tears. Because we are good people who are invested in your emotional well-being, we decided to create a list of signs to watch out for in your relationship so it doesn’t end in tears.
Thank us later.
Trust us, it will definitely end in tears. How can you start a relationship with tlof tlof? Omo, better buy your tissues in advance.
You didn’t have sex on the first date and you want the relationship to last? Hian oh. You better start rehearsing the tears now.
This is a sure banker that the relationship will collapse. You people have talked all the relationship talk during talking stage. What else is left to chitchat about in the relationship?
Omo, sorry for you oh. If you entered a relationship with someone without getting to know them, what makes you think it will not end in tears?
If you love them that much, why are you hiding the relationship from social media? You don’t want people to see who you are dating abi? LMAO hot tears loading.
Ehn? Ehn? Clearly, you are setting your lover up for hot tears. Walahi. Someone will see them on your post and move to them, and they will agree. Next thing, they’ll break up with you. All because you posted them on the Internet. Hot tears oh, hot tears.
Ahan, good things never last. You of all people should know that. As they are serving you orgasm, they will soon serve you heartbreak. Do you want to bet?
People that are collecting good sex, they are eating the breakfast of heartbreak. What is now your own with the mediocre sex? My dear, should we cut the tissue for you or you will wipe your tears with your clothes?
That is how they will sweeten you up to the point of tears. Baby, sugar, honey, I think we should give each other space, sweetie, my love. Pele dear.
Ah, they are calling you Favour Adaripon, your government name and you still think the relationship has not entered life support? Better start watching Nkiru Sylvanus movies so you can start practicing your tears.
That means see finish has entered it. They will soon see you finish with the heartbreak. Take it from us.
Hm. Do we need to say more? Do we really need to emphasize that you are in for an emotional rollercoaster? You better end that relationship now before it is too late.
A word is enough for the wise oh.
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Abeni*, 22, and Ifunanya*, 26, met on Twitter and dated for six months. Today on Love Life, they talk about their relationship and why it ended abruptly even though it was the best one they had both been in.
Ifunanya: One day, I was scrolling on Twitter and Abeni posted a screenshot of her Instagram page. She said she was rebranding and we should follow her there. Before then, I didn’t know how I followed her on Twitter. I went to her Instagram and followed her there as well.
Abeni: I saw a picture of her on Twitter and was like, “Who is this person with this bold energy?” Her picture was giving me life. I think that’s how I followed her on Twitter.
Abeni: It was during the lockdown. I tweeted about yoga and she sent a message that she would like to try it. We decided to do a session together. That night, we got on a FaceTime call. It was supposed to be about yoga, but we ended talking about everything else. That long call became something we did every other day.
Ifunanya: She’s lying. It was every other hour. We were always talking to each other. I had three crazy jobs at the time, but I still made time to talk to her. At some point, we both knew that we wanted to be in a relationship with each other. On my end, I was asking myself if I was ready to date again. My last relationship had ended so badly I didn’t want to rush into another. I took some time to process my feelings and one day, as soon as I woke up, I texted her, “I am ready”. She didn’t get it. I had to remind her while we were on the phone that I said I was ready. That’s when she realised and we became official.
Abeni: Before we became official, we were already in a serious relationship in my head. But soon after, distance started to tell on us.
Ifunanya: It was hard. Some days, I would want to talk to my person, but the network would be so bad we wouldn’t be able to have a conversation. We tried regular phone calls, but it wasn’t the same as seeing her face. One time, she fell sick and I was scared it was COVID-19. Communication during that period was hard because she was too tired to call, and I couldn’t travel to see her. I was crying all the time. Another time, I broke down because I was overwhelmed at work and she wasn’t able to comfort me how I would have liked because she lived in a different city.
Abeni: I think the lack of physical intimacy and consistent communication sort of made our emotional bond stronger for me. After the travel ban was lifted, she visited me twice before we broke up.
Abeni: It started with the level of communication on my part. Being in a relationship as intense as what we had was new for me. I felt like I had to do everything in my power to protect her. I always wanted to make her happy. Looking back, I realise that I should have shared what I wanted as well. Instead of communicating what I needed, I would tell myself what I was receiving was okay. For example, I was uncomfortable about how much she talked about her ex. I felt like there were some things about the relationship I needed to know, but at the same time, I didn’t want to know everything. I couldn’t tell her that I didn’t like it. It was as if we were living in different worlds. One day, she called me out on my lack of communication and that’s how the relationship ended.
Ifunanya: Honestly, I didn’t know she was not telling me certain things until the second time I went to see her. She was acting strange. I could tell she wasn’t saying something to me. When I returned home, I asked her what was going on and she reassured me that nothing was wrong. I remember texting my friend about it and she said, “Things can’t be smooth all the time.” I agreed, but in my head, I just knew we were over.
I got tired of waiting for her to say something other than “I’m fine”, and I called her. I explained how her behaviour in the past week had been affecting me and asked her to please tell me what was wrong. She apologised for not being able to communicate better, then said she had grown tired of the relationship and didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I understood being tired, but I didn’t understand why. I tried to talk more about it, but she wasn’t saying much. That period was frustrating for me.
After three months post-breakup, we talked about it. We didn’t blame each other for our breakup. That conversation made us realise that we both did things along the way that led to our end. We understood that both of us were just trying to represent ourselves. She wanted to be heard as much as I wanted to be heard.
Abeni: That conversation was a breakthrough for us. I was in a good place, and so I was able to take responsibility for my actions. Initially, I was defensive. The conversation made me feel lighter.
Ifunanya: Same. I felt like it was the first time you really talked to me. I had so much anger towards the breakup, but after that conversation, I was able to let it go. I knew she wouldn’t deliberately hurt me, but at some point, she had to choose herself and that meant hurting me. I just needed her to tell me that. I remember feeling like I was floating for the rest of the day. It was a good place compared to all the pain I had in my heart before.
Abeni: Last time we had this conversation, we decided we weren’t friends, but we are getting there. Sometimes we are fine having a conversation, but then I see her tweets about her being sexual with other people and I feel a rush of emotions. Ifunanya is someone I carry in my soul. I know she’ll be there, and we can work out a friendship or something in the future. But I love where we are right now.
Ifunanya: I still can’t follow her on social media. It’s just too much.
Abeni: LOL. Ifunanya is quite risqué on social media. Funny enough, we send each other funny tweets or Instagram pictures, but I think we will follow each other when we are ready.
Abeni: I had never felt love like that before. There were no doubts. It was all softness. Sometimes it felt like it was too good to be true. It was intense yet sweet. I learned a lot about myself being with Ifunanya. She always hyped me and made me feel great. My feelings were validated. She was like my twin, but one I was attracted to. LMAO.
Ifunanya: LMAO. I actually get it. Our synergy as a team was great. We both work in the creative sector. Both of us understood what creating good content takes. While we were together, we both had shitty jobs that took a lot of our time, but we helped each other with it. She would research ideas for my strategy plans. Whenever we created content calendars for the brands we worked for, we would share them with each other so we could recycle the content. I would edit her emails and anything else she wrote. The best part was that when we were physically together, nobody was hounding anybody for staying too long on their phone. We both understood and respected each other’s work.
Ifunanya: I love the gap between her front teeth. I hate mine, but I think hers is sexy. I love her face too. She’s a gorgeous person. Abeni, you are a spec.
Abeni: Thank you. I think everything about your physical appearance is beautiful. Apart from that, there’s a way she carries the people she loves, and I love that about her. I also admire her strength.
Abeni: To be honest, yes, but I would do certain things differently.
Ifunanya: Same, but I think we need to be in different places in our lives for it to happen again.
Ifunanya: 6. This is the best relationship I have had in my adult life. For me, I feel like there was some growing we should have done before being in a relationship with each other.
Abeni: 7, because the relationship was great and it’s one I’d never forget, but certain things could have been done differently. It sucks how things ended.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
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Breakups can be painful, messy or even easy. But nothing is funnier than a petty breakup. We asked eight Nigerian to share the pettiest reason they’ve broken up with someone over, and their answers left us in stitches.]
He never used to tamba (clean his bum with water after using the toilet), and he refused to do it even when I told him about it. I couldn’t deal with that, abeg.
Every single time I sat down to play FIFA, she’d find one reason or the other to immediately interrupt me. I mean, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. She clearly didn’t like me.
She had a hugeeee head. I had never seen that kind of head in my life before. Like, it was fine until I started thinking about marriage. I couldn’t risk allowing my kids have that kind of head.
She said Ghanaian jollof is better than Nigerian jollof. To be fair, I was already on my way out of the relationship but that was definitely the breaking point for me.
He looked almost identical to one wicked teacher that tormented me in secondary school. I tried to ignore it at first, but I couldn’t. The relationship ended after three months.
He ate too much. That one on its own wasn’t even a problem, but every time I was eating, he’d start begging for my food. Like, he’d finish his own and still beg for my own again. The thing used to frustrate me.
I didn’t like his sister. She was my senior in secondary school, and she used to punish me all the time. We broke up shortly after I found out. I didn’t want anything to do with a family that could have that kind of witch.
When we met, he had a beautiful beard. Then on our third date, he came to pick me up with a clean-shaven face. It was like I was looking at another person. I stopped picking his calls after that date.
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Angel*, 29, and Akin*, 37, are deeply in love, but they are trying to go their separate ways. For today’s Love Life, they talk about getting back together after their first breakup and finally choosing to “decouple” due to their religious beliefs.
Akin: We met at a conference in 2019. She was one of the brains behind the event, and I was there as an attendee. Throughout the conference, I had my eyes on her. I loved the way she looked and spoke. I wanted to know her better. After it was done, I walked up to her, acting like I had a work-related question.
Angel: When he said he wanted to hang out, I thought, “Join the queue, mister.” After the conference, he came to the DMs. He was interested in me and wanted me to know. I liked the consistency and intentionality, so I gave him a chance. We had dinner.
Akin: There was good food and there was great conversation. I wanted to get to know her, but at that dinner, it felt like we had been friends forever. We talked about everything. Even when the weather changed and everything became cold, we moved to another spot at the restaurant with blankets and kept on talking. Everything felt right.
Angel: He told me he was going to marry me, and I found it funny. On our way back to the car, it began to rain. We sat together in the car, and he brought out a CD he’d made for me. I thought the dinner was incredible, but listening to the CD felt like we had unlocked another level of being intentionally loved.
Akin: She had to travel a few days after the dinner. Honestly, I didn’t want her to go. I wanted to spend more time with her. So when there was a problem with her visa and the travelling had to be pushed back a few days, I whisked her off to the beach.
Angel: LMAO. The beach trip was what sealed it for me. I had all my answers that he was the one for me. After that trip, we talked all the time. It was intense. We couldn’t get enough of each other’s company.
I came back from the trip, and he sent his driver to come pick me up. He made special arrangements for my comfort. All the little things he did to make me comfortable really warmed my heart.
But it didn’t last long.
Angel: The intensity reduced oh. Gone was the man who had my time, the man who always wanted to talk and be in my company. He just didn’t have my time anymore. It didn’t feel like he was into me as much as before.
Akin: In my defence, I had just gotten a new job, and it was demanding. But she didn’t get it. After a few weeks of awkwardness, she decided to be upfront. She laid out all the problems and asked, “Do you want to break up?”
Akin: I said, “Yes.”
Angel: You can imagine. The relationship was only three months old.
Akin: As I said, I just got a new job and it was killing me. When I met Angel, I was still in the onboarding stage, so I had time to be myself and love her with complete dedication. A few weeks down the line, I was done with onboarding, and they threw the real work at me. I was anxious about failing, and I was fighting so hard to strike a balance.
She would DM me randomly, “Let’s do lunch.” In Lagos. On a workday. Who does that? The pressure was mad. I live on the mainland, she lives on the island. I would struggle to meet up. But I wasn’t giving her half as much as I had, and she could sense it.
Angel: But you didn’t tell me this, so there was no way I could know. It just seemed like 100 to 0 real quick. My first thought was, “Oh, so you have caught fish now, and there is no need to be intentional anymore, abi?” Saying that work was killing him didn’t seem like a very valid excuse too. It just seemed like a way out.
Akin: Angel has a unique work schedule, and she gauged everything else by it. Work didn’t interfere with her life as much as it did with mine. So she couldn’t connect with the reality of not being able to text her throughout the day.
I would read her body language and feel guilty, sometimes, irritated. I understood where she was coming from: she had seen better days in the relationship, and she wanted those days back.
I wanted to give her those better days too, but I couldn’t. The relationship that used to be a comfort for me now became a source of stress. So when she gave me the option of breaking up, I took it. I believe we were two right people who met at the wrong time.
Angel: You know what was most annoying? After he agreed to break up, he now said, “If I’m in a better place and still single, would you give me a chance?” I was pissed off. Like, you didn’t succeed in this round, and you are booking space for another round. Are you okay?
Not going to lie, I was deeply hurt. I had told him my experience with people and yet, he was going the same way too.
Akin: I kept trying to make amends. We had agreed to let each other go, but I knew it came from a place of deep hurt and resentment, and I didn’t want her to go into the world holding on to that.
But this one? She held on tight to it. I’d call her and she’d be like, “Ehen, what do you want?” Or I’d say, “I miss us,” and she’d go, “Okay, what am I supposed to do with that information?”
Angel: Oh, the attempts at making amends were the worst. I was taking time out to heal, and each time he reached out, it felt like the wound was being ripped open again.
Akin: One time, I called her by her oriki and she fired back, “DON’T EVER TRY THAT AGAIN!”
Angel: LMAO. You that I was trying to get away from, you’re now using such tender language on me. Did my village people send you?
Akin: I wasn’t ready to give up. No matter how short-lived what we had was, it was a perfect reminder that the kind of person I wanted and the kind of love I desired exists. And I wanted her to see this too.
Angel: Ah, I remember the gift too. LMAO.
Akin: We exchanged gifts with each other’s names on them. And then one day, madam called me and said she wanted to give me back my own, so she could get hers back.
Angel: That gift was another reminder I wanted to erase. I was looking at it on my table one afternoon and I said, “Nah, the devil is a liar.” You know the funniest thing? A few days or so after I collected that gift back, mine broke. It seemed very symbolic. Almost like it was a breakage of all the memories the both of us had made together.
Akin: But then I found your slippers.
Angel: LMAO. This man called me months after we had broken up to say he found the slippers I left behind. I honestly didn’t believe him. Slippers, after how many months? But he sent me a photo of them, and so I had to go get it. I asked him to send it by dispatch, but he said he wanted us to meet.
Akin: Say the truth, you needed someone to talk to. Because, to be honest, I didn’t even think she would come. Anyway, we went out to get dinner, and it was like we were back to the beginning all over again.
That familiarity came back. Yes, it’s a case of once bitten, twice shy, but even in that shyness, I felt like I was home again. We caught up on old gist, told each other what we’d been up to, everything.
Angel: And then he said we should hang out that Sunday. At the beach. The beach oh. When he mentioned it, I was like, “The beach, AGAIN?” But of course, I went. And after we clarified where we were in our lives, Part 2 of our relationship began.
Akin: I wanted to try again. Angel knows how to love me. She gets it. She sees me beyond how I see myself. It’s almost like we’ve lived a lifetime together before and we understand each other so well. So I asked her if she would be willing to.
Angel: Honestly? My heart said a big yes.
Akin: This is the most beautiful love I have ever had. This woman is incredible.
Angel: You are incredible. I must have done something good in another life to be loved by you, the way that you love me.
Akin: Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for always being so intentional and gracious. I believe in healthy, kind love because of you.
Angel: You know how you always affirm me and gently point out how I could be better when I am falling short? Even difficult conversations are easy with you. I will forever be grateful to have met you.
Akin: Why do good things have to have comma? [Sad sigh]
Angel: I am Christian, and he’s Muslim. His faith does not forbid him from marrying me, but mine does. I also know that the practicality of a Christian woman getting married to a Muslim man are not black and white, especially in our blessed country. Then there’s a part of me that worries I won’t get the blessings of my parents if I go ahead with the marriage.
Akin: I think we saw it coming. We talk about it a lot, even till now. There is so much love and our lives are so intertwined, but it doesn’t erase the other responsibilities that we have. We respect each other’s beliefs. Yes, we have found a common ground despite our religious differences, but that’s just the two of us. What happens when the children come? We are responsible to them, after all. And faith is a vital part of that responsibility.
Angel: I want my children to be Christian, and from his family, they believe it’s a given that his kids would follow his faith and be Muslims. My faith is at the base of a lot that I do, so how do I remove that when raising kids? Will they be confused? So many questions.
Yes, you can give children what to believe in, but you can’t predict how they will turn out. But there is a bedrock I am supposed to be responsible for.
He’s perfect the way he is. I have no intentions of changing or converting him.
Akin: I have met her parents, and they love me. And she has met some of my family members too.
Angel: Funny story. After my mother met him just as a close friend, she called me and asked, “What’s going on between you and Akin?” I know what she meant, so I answered and said, “Ah ah, mummy, you know he’s Muslim, right?” I was vague and kept one ear open to see how she would react.
And she said, “Good. Let’s not get carried away.”
Akin: It is tough. My family thinks we are not serious. They love us together, and they expect that she should just surrender for peace to reign. These are some of the practicalities she’s concerned about.
Angel: This is one of the things I’m worried about too: the community I am likely to lose once I marry out of my faith. What a Muslim-Christian marriage union would mean, going forward in a society like ours.
Akin: Neither of us cares to convert. We love each other, and we respect the faiths we profess.
Angel: He’s perfect the way he is. I have no intentions of changing or converting him.
Akin: After an incredible relationship (especially Part 2), we have decided to let each other go. It’s tough, but I think it’s necessary pain. We call it “decoupling.”
Angel: We have decided to detach from each other slowly, rather than abruptly. An abrupt and total break-up cannot work. We are too interconnected to try that forceful method of detachment.
Akin: Think of it as trying to erase something gradually. We try to carry on with our lives separately, attempting to undo everything. We have tried seeing other people, for instance.
Angel: I’ll be honest. It doesn’t feel right. I find myself unconsciously holding other men up to his standard. Talk about physical attraction or intellectual connection, he is like the blueprint.
Akin: I have gone on dates, but I never follow up. Angel is the standard for me. She checks all the boxes. Even her hugs are different.
Angel: Yours too. I mean, they’re friendly hugs, because we’re trying to decouple, but the hugs feel different. And yes, I also admit that I get slightly jealous when I hear that he’s with other people.
Akin: Slightly?
Angel: Please.
Akin: One time, we were supposed to meet up, and I kept her waiting for like two hours because I had a female guest who refused to leave on time. She is a purely platonic friend, but she would not go home on time. When I eventually got to Angel and told her, you need to see the way she raked for me.
Angel: In my defense, he didn’t call me to inform me that he would be late. I was worried about him not knowing that our friend here was with a woman. Thank God I didn’t drive to his place to check up on him. I would have been so hurt.
Akin: In all, we have each other’s back. I know it’s cliché, but she’s the yin to my yang. She completes me.
Angel: Perhaps one day I’ll grow older and realise that the things I consider so important do not matter. Or perhaps we’ll find other people that are right for us and know how to love us the way we want. Everything will work together for our good and that’s what I keep holding out hope for.
Akin: I love you.
Angel: Me too. I love you so much.
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Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
*Caroline, 20, and *Somto, 20, used to date. They went from friends to lovers to frenemies. For today’s Love Life, they talk about their relationship and how one party felt bullied into a relationship they never really wanted.
Caroline: We used to date.
Somto: She’s my ex.
Somto: We started dating in February 2020. I’m not sure.
Caroline: I like to count it as a month, but I think it was just three weeks. We broke up on March 30th.
Somto: I feel like I was bullied into it. I just got out of a relationship and my emotions were all over the place. Caroline and I were working on a project together. We started hanging out and it was fun at first. Then one night, she sent me a text and basically bullied me into a relationship..
Caroline: I didn’t bully him. We go to the same school; we’re students. We were working together and we had so much in common. I just thought to myself, maybe you should just ask him if he wants to be in a relationship. He first hesitated but later agreed. I didn’t force him.
I am usually not easily persuaded, but a part of me was hoping it would work. I lowkey knew that this wasn’t something I wanted to do. I made it clear from the onset that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I just wanted to be friends.
Somto: I won’t say it was a breakup, it was more of an agreement. You know when you’re not meant to be with someone? That’s how I felt.
Caroline: Before the lockdown, we were having lots of fights, disagreeing about a lot of things, yelling at each other. I saw it coming because I got the vibe he wasn’t quite comfortable with our relationship. The day school sent us home, he called and told me he still loves his ex-girlfriend and wanted to break up.
No, but it’s fine. I’m learning to love my own company.
Somto: I didn’t want to hang out. I just wanted to be alone and she would make a fuss. It was silly little things. They were absurd because, on a normal day, I wouldn’t want to argue about them.
Caroline: I was getting paranoid that something was wrong with him and he wasn’t telling me. I remember one of the arguments where he said he didn’t know how to explain himself, and I kept insisting he talk to me because we were friends before we started dating. The whole secrecy thing was bothering me and I needed to know what was wrong.
Somto: I didn’t intentionally make things difficult for you. I was going through my problems and I didn’t want to get anyone involved. I like to sort things out myself.
Caroline: I was just trying to be enough.
Somto: You were more than enough. I just wasn’t complete yet.
Somto: There was nothing to hate. If I had met Caroline at a different point in my life, things might have worked. Right now, I’m not just in the mood for a relationship.
Caroline: I didn’t really hate anything. The timing was just off. I was very busy at that point and the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough or spending adequate time with him kept eating me up. Sometimes, I’d make him come to my meetings so we could spend more time together.
Caroline: Honestly, it wasn’t intense. We made out and it was just there, but we never had sex. We tried, but I didn’t feel ready.
Somto: Meh. I’m not pushy so, for me, it wasn’t a priority. I’ve had it too many times to care.
Somto: She pushed me to do a lot of things. I basically doubled my hustle because of her.
Caroline: His music sense. I’ve been listening to a lot of songs he likes. I am also still friends with some of his friends. Oh, and I’m now experimenting with weed.
Caroline: Attraction is such a wide spectrum. I am still attracted to him physically and because I have been in a relationship with him, it’s easier to say that I still might be attracted to him emotionally, but the relationship fucked me up and gave me PTSD. I couldn’t even listen to some songs I liked because they reminded me of him.
Somto: I would assume so. Probably.
Somto: I was still getting over one when I got into this one so it felt like a compound effect for me. Dealing with it while working was very effective for me.
Caroline: When we would fight in the relationship, because of how busy I was, I never had time to brew over it. When I went home because of Corona, I had time to organise my feelings and frankly, I lashed out at him.
The night of the breakup, I called my best friend and cried over Facetime. A friend of his kept checking in on me for about a week to make sure I was okay. The sleepless nights didn’t help either. I don’t want to say I was used, but I felt deceived.
Somto: Caroline, in all honesty, I was very nice to you. I never lied to you.
Caroline: But you concealed the truth and that’s just as bad.
Somto: Did I? Did I really?
Caroline: You using the term “bullied” at the start of this interview when all I did was ask you is very weird. I wish I had my old phone so I can go through the chats and see where I came off as a bully.
If you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have accepted. We’ve had this argument before where you said you never wanted this and because I really don’t want to keep bringing this up. So, yes, lying and concealing the truth may be different but they are closely related.
Somto: The night I told you I didn’t want this and would prefer we were friends. You looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes and I felt pressured. I don’t really like dealing with emotional stress, I’m not really good at handling it.
When I start hinting at not wanting to do something and you start giving me those eyes, I just go with it. At the point I felt it was too much, it made more sense to just rip the bandage off.
Somto: It wasn’t really out of pity. I understood what it felt like to be alone and didn’t want that for her. I really liked her. You have to understand that I was just trying to get over my ex.
Caroline: Wow.
Somto: 💀
Caroline: It’s all good. I just wish you had said something in the beginning instead of having me go through all this.
Caroline: In this exact moment, I’d say no.
Somto: I don’t think so.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
[donation]
If for any reason whatsoever, you need to end things with your Nigerian girlfriend (and I’m sure there are plenty of reasons. Nigerian women: I fear who no fear dem), I’ve compiled a list of handy excuses you can use to terminate your love affair with a Nigerian woman.
This is clearly a sign that she does not respect you. Is she your mate? Break up with her.
This is a sign that she does not know how to manage resources. Break up with her.
Who are you to go against the word of God? You can even use the following lines to make the process easier: “I love you but God loves me most” “It’s not you, it’s God.”
This is another sign of disrespect. Does she not know that you’re a red cap chief?
Personally, this is my favourite one because every single one of them are guilty of this. Break up with all of them.
You’re a benefit boy and you don’t want the benefits to stop, so you have to agree. Sorry to her.
It smells like acid. Is she trying to kill you? Break up with her.
Take this quiz: How Many Nigerian Banks Can You Name in 1 Minute??
PS: If you are here because you are about to dump somebody’s child and you need opening remarks please step aside. This is a well deserved pity party for those of us who have been hurt for the most unreasonable reasons. Here’s a list of the 9 most annoying break up lines.
Since when did you become so selfless? Are you trying to outdo Jesus? Is that it? You want to outdo Jesus?
But when did it become a competition? And even if it is a competition, when and how did you win?
I have a job too and i am still in the relationship. And till date there’s no proof that I have 2 heads.
Give me the measurements. 10 millimeters? 20 centimeters? Talk to me.
Mmm….But I never said you were a rope.
But we have been doing things brothers and sisters don’t do.
Please clarify; do you mean lunch break, break dance or breaking bad?
Lies! Word on the street is that when people say this, the love they speak of is most likely non existent. But they can’t tell you that to your face so they say the opposite instead.
But I thought the relationship was between me and you. Another question please; why didn’t you ask them before chyking me?
That’s 9 of the most annoying breakup lines and ironically they are also the most used. It’s like every year a secret convention is held for people that want to break up. And then these lines are released to them in a brochure. Has any of them been used on you and have you yourself used any on someone else? You can tell us, we won’t judge.
And when you’re done you can click here to find out if you are an annoying person too. You’re welcome.
If you’re a regular user of social media or follow Linda Ikeji or Bellanaija, you’d be aware that OAP Toke Makinwa was trending. But it’s not for the reasons you think, if you don’t know what happened.
It was reported that her husband, Maje Ayida, got his long time girlfriend pregnant, and in normal African fashion, quite a number of people are laying the blame at her door. But thankfully, even more people have gone after him.
But as with everything in Nigeria, the outrage and story will die within a month. People will only remember from time to time and shake their head in pity.
But what would have happened if Toke was in the U.S instead?
I’ll tell you.
After which she’s move on to serial dating. She’d date a rapper or basketball player, or both in succession. Infact any single, famous guy will do, as long as she gets to stay in the spotlight.
Remember Kendra, the Playboy bunny that stayed in the Playboy mansion? When her husband cheated, the ensuing drama was incorporated into her reality show to boost ratings.
Rachel Dolezal, the white woman pretending to be black, is in talks for her own reality show. Go figure.
Well I guarantee that had Toke been abroad, she certainly would have been signed up for one. Most people involved in scandals in the United States get to share their stories via this medium.
She’d be featured on the cover of all the magazines that matter. And not just that, she’d be paid by them to sit for an interview as well.
I can see Iyanla all over this one, trying to put her soothing magic on Toke to help her move on. Ellen Degeneres wouldn’t pass this up. Then there’s Jimmy Kimmel and most probably Jerry Springer.
Which everybody hears of, but no one actually patronizes.
Millionaires and billionaires would pay to go on a date with her and she will go out with them. Promoters will pay for to show up to their parties and the party goers will pay top money just to get in.
And it will detail her harrowing experience when she found out that her husband cheated. Another will probably detail her life’s history.
Probably the role of the sassy best friend with no backstory or character development.
She would have gotten all the cosmetic surgery that she possibly could without it being obvious — and she will vehemently deny ever having had done any.
But she’s a citizen of Naija and not an Americanah. There’s a reason for that, as there is with everything. She’ll have to decide how she wants this to go down. Will she forgive her husband and stay with him or decide to cut ties?
Images: GistUs, Bellanaija, LoveWeddingsNG, Style Vitae
