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Friendship breakups hurt like hell, especially when you didn’t see it coming. But breaking up with your best girl? That’s worse than chopping romantic breakfast, and here’s why.
No one to share your hurt feelings with
At least after a romantic breakup, you can cry to your bestie, and both of you can shit-talk your ex in one accord. But when you break up with your bestie, who do you cry or complain to?
Or even stupid gist
Some days, you’re too tired to make sense. All you want to do is share memes or rubbish one-liners only your bestie would relate with. Is it an ordinary friend or crush you want to do that one with?
They know all your secrets
If they’re petty, they can decide to start washing all your dirty linen in public. Even if they aren’t, imagine someone you aren’t on good terms with knowing weird stuff about you. Like how you think semo is elite. Eww.
You’re too old to start looking for another bestie
Is there even a talking stage for best-friendship? Do you just do trial and error to find someone else worthy of the “bestie” status? So many questions.
Or you could attend HERtitude 2023, our festival for the girlies, party with other hot babes, and make new friends with our speed friendship sessions.
Everyone knows female friends are pros at catching all your great angles. If they’re no longer around to do it, who will? Your boyfriend? LMAO, please.
No one to gas you up on social media
Who’d rush to your IG and drop fire emojis under all your new pictures as if they didn’t help you choose the picture to post in the first place? It doesn’t matter that you have a boo. Boo’s comments don’t count.
You have to break up with their parents too
You mean I can’t go to Mummy Steph’s house to eat firewood jollof again? That’s even the most painful part.
So you’re seeing someone new, and to impress them, you want to do something you see oyinbo people do in movies. You want to wake up before them, cook, and present the food to them in bed. No problem. What’s the worst that could happen?
Everything.
Before you attempt this caucasian display of affection, let’s talk about all the possible ways serving your love breakfast in bed can go south. You can decide, after reading this, if you still want to cook for someone that’s still sleeping and technically didn’t send you message.
First of all, making breakfast in bed for someone means you’re in love. That’s where the problem starts.
A whole hard guy/gyal like you, waking up early to go slave away in the kitchen so another person can eat? Things are not adding up. It’s at this point you should pack your bags and run away. Don’t even leave a message. Love is for the weak, and you shouldn’t feel it for anyone.
What if you’ve planned to make them breakfast, but they kick you out by 4 a.m?
Remember that gist on the TL where people were saying that if someone came to their house to commit fornication, they’d chase them out before the sun rises? What if that’s the person you want to make breakfast for? May God protect our steppings.
What if gas finishes when you’re cooking?
Think about it. You’re up by 4:30 a.m. making food because you’re meant to leave home by 5 a.m. to avoid Lagos traffic on your way to work. Suddenly, gas finishes because you don’t have The Lord’s Chosen sticker on your cylinder. What will you do? Give them half-cooked rice?
What if the food pours on the stairs?
Imagine you’ve made pancakes with bacon, eggs, syrup and baked beans, and you miss a step on your way up to the room. Now you’re lying on the stairs covered in baked beans and wondering who sent you message.
What if they appreciate you by calling the wrong name?
“Oh wow, this is so sweet. Thank you, Femi.”
You, a man named Ndubuisi, wondering when you became Yoruba:
What if you trigger their mummy issues and they begin to cry?
POV: You wake someone up with a lovely tray of Golden Morn and stew, but they burst into tears because no one has ever done something so nice for them. They finish crying, eat the meal and break up with you because they now see you as a parental figure, not a romantic partner.
What if you pour hot tea on their face?
Last last, you’ll just say it’s part of the surprise.
What if you cook rubbish?
We’re not saying you’re a terrible cook o. But what if you unknowingly put too much salt in their tea, and when they taste it, they spit it out because salt shouldn’t be in tea and tell you to get the fuck out of their house before you give them a heart attack? What would you do then?
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Today on Interview With, we invited Breakfast to the Zikoko office. Heartbreak and Morning Food showed up. Here is our interview with the both of them:
Zikoko: Hello, good morning. Welcome to Zikoko Interview With.
Breakfast: Thank you for having me.
Zikoko: We understand you have a busy morning ahead of you, so we will wrap this up quickly.
Breakfast: That’s fine by me.
Zikoko: In your own opinion, what is the most nutritious breakfast to eat?
Breakfast: Oh, that’s simple. It can be in different forms. For example, finding out that your partner of five years cheated on you is one very nutritious breakfast. A serious talking stage ending in tears is also another nutritious—
Zikoko: Wait a minute. Which breakfast are you?
Breakfast: The heartbreak one.
Zikoko: There has been a mistake somewhere. We invited the actual Breakfast, morning food.
Breakfast: Oh. One of us really needs to consider changing our name.
Zikoko: How did you even come to be called “Breakfast”? What happened to being called good old “heartbreak”?
Breakfast: I am sure you will agree with me that there are some heartbreaks that fill you up like food. You will collect it and be unable to eat. You’ll just be drinking wine or water. In fact, you can even vomit what you did not eat. All because a Yoruba man broke your heart, or you found out that your serious Igbo girlfriend who went home to visit her family actually went to do her traditional wedding. That is when people say, “They have served you Breakfast.”
Zikoko: Omo.
Breakfast: Left to me, I prefer to be called Heartbreak, but when people started telling their heartbroken friends that they have been served “Breakfast” after a serious disappointment, I said let me in come in and claim the name.
Zikoko: But why Breakfast? Why not Lunch or Dinner?
Breakfast: Well, Breakfast is an important meal, I guess. Imagine being heartbroken and telling your friends that you have been served lunch. The friend might even congratulate you on being able to afford a fancy lunch. But when you call your friend at past 9 in the night, shedding hot tears and saying you have been served Breakfast, then the person on the other end of the line will be forced to sit up straight because eating Breakfast at 9pm is very unusual.
Zikoko: Crazy things are happening.
Breakfast: Even Tems cannot deny that she has not eaten Breakfast before.
Zikoko: Wait oh. Me I thought this Breakfast thing meant good news sha.
Breakfast: Are you talking about that video of Ogogo saying, “Gbogbo wa lama je breakfast”?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7ol9MfmV3s
Zikoko: Ehen now. He said “All of us will eat breakfast, and each person’s time will be different.” So how did heartbreak enter this thing?
Breakfast: My brother, this is Nigeria. Good news is scarce. But everywhere you turn, heartbreak is waiting to French kiss you.
Zikoko: No, but—
Breakfast: Listen, Ogogo probably meant it as good news, I agree. But come to think of it, all of you will also eat the breakfast of heartbreak, and each person’s time will be different. Just like the angel of doom is knocking on everybody’s door, I, Breakfast is going round and round the earth too, looking for who to feed.
Zikoko: Let me close my mouth before I taste you.
Breakfast: A closed mouth is a closed destiny, don’t forget that.
[Door opens and the actual Breakfast enters]
Actual Breakfast: Sorry I’m late oh. I was delayed by one family.
Breakfast: Could it be that they served Breakfast to you, Breakfast?
Actual Breakfast: Who be this one?
Breakfast: I am Breakfast, the heartbreak edition. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Actual Breakfast: Please, I am not making any useless acquaintances. I need to rest. I have had a long and stressful morning. Are you Zikoko people doing this interview or not?
Zikoko: Yes, yes, we are still doing this interview. Heartbreak Breakfast, you can leave, please. We have had enough of you.
Breakfast: I will go. [Exits]
Actual Breakfast: See as e be like wetin I no know. Say na pleased to make your acquaintance. If you don’t leave here with your foolish English.
Zikoko: Erm, is this a good time? You sound a bit cranky…
Actual Breakfast: Why will I not be cranky? No, answer me. How will a respectable human being wake up and decide to eat Semo and Okro as breakfast? How? And it’s not even fresh Semo, it’s leftover Semo the person warmed.
Zikoko: Oh wow.
Actual Breakfast: If you know what my eyes have seen in the hands of Nigerians all in the name of eating morning food, you will join me to weep. Some people will decide they want to eat Breakfast by 12 p.m., when I’m supposed to have finished my morning rounds. They will now summon me again. Why not just hold the hunger and eat your lunch by 2 p.m.?
Zikoko: Is there an official timetable stating that lunch must be by 2pm?
Actual Breakfast: Please don’t ask me foolish questions. Knowing your type, you probably eat breakfast by 1 p.m.
Zikoko: Oh not at all.
Actual Breakfast: I don’t even care. I just want you people to do better. Two or three slices of yam, fried egg and a cup of tea is decent. But if some Nigerians have not served a three course meal, they are not satisfied. Breakfast, but you people are serving eba and draw soup with shaki. You will finish eating, only to go and sleep at work or enter traffic to fight.
Look, sorry I’m ranting. I guess I am just having a bad morning.
Zikoko: It’s okay. This is a safe space, let it all out.
Actual Breakfast: Thank y… Oh great. This person that ate Semo and Okro is already calling for milk and Milo.
Zikoko: They want to drink tea after eating Semo?
Actual Breakfast: Now tell me why I shouldn’t be angry.
The term “eating breakfast” doesn’t mean having your first meal of the day. Nope. It’s a slang that means getting hurt by men and women, left, right, and centre. And one thing you need to know about the streets is, there’s a lot of breakfast to go around.
Here are a few ways to find a boo without chopping breakfast first.
1. Serve the breakfast.
Tap into your inner chef and serve piping hot breakfast to everyone you come across. Just remember that karma is real and someone might come along in the future and serve you breakfast so intensely you might die. But don’t worry about that now. You’ll cross that bridge when you get to it.
2. Have a new partner every business day.
See a new person every day so they won’t be in your life long enough to hurt you. It’s also a really good way to test the waters and learn the kind of crazies roaming the street these days.
3. Make your prospective partner take a personality quiz.
Make sure they take a “how crazy are you” quiz. Watch them while they take it so they won’t cheat and send you the wrong results. Anyone who gets a high score on that quiz will make your life miserable and anyone who gets a low score will be very hard to trust because there’s always the chance that they’re a fucking liar and a dirty bitch.
4. Have a person whom you willingly get breakfast from.
A breakfast you ordered yourself is always better than a breakfast served, at least you’ll know you willingly went to collect it with your own hands or in this case genitals.
5. Stay at home and download your future partner from the internet.
Staying at home to mould or download your future partner saves you the stress of aimlessly roaming the streets and getting served heartbreak, like an overpriced meal from a Lagos restaurant.
6. Stay in your house.
Don’t bother roaming the streets because you can be on your own taking a stroll minding your business and the breakfast will still come to you. That can’t happen if you never leave your house. Staying in your house will reduce the number of wicked men and women you’ll meet in your lifetime. Unless of course, they live in your compound. That’s a story for another day.
Unless you’re a cultist, you probably eat cereal for breakfast. Well, this quiz is here to test your knowledge of some of the most popular ones available in Nigeria.
If you believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, then this is the quiz for you. Time to test your knowledge of some custards, teas and cereal brands that Nigerians love.
To all the online food vendors in Nigeria who are reading this, let me start by telling you that you are greatly valued. You have saved plenty people stress and time, and also kept some from dying of hunger. We see you, and we appreciate you. But see ehn, sometimes you need to diversify your menu. Please consider selling these things:
Category A: Swallows.
Some of us are not used to that stir-fry life. What about:
See as Amala set. Even you, if you see it for sale, won’t you buy it?
4. Semo
For people who actually want it
Category B: Soups.
See ehn, some of us will make eba or buy fufu with it. You just sell the soup. And please do it in a way that we can understand. Which one is 4 litres of banga soup? Is it petrol?
5. Afang soup
I would pay money for Afang that knows what it is doing.
Hello, ladies. Have you ever wondered what kind of mum you are or would be? Well, we’re here today to help you find out. All you have to do is plan a hearty breakfast. Let’s go!
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