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Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
There is an argument as old as time: Breasts or Bum Bum? Or, in other words, are you a Breast person or a Bum Bum person? There’s probably going to be no end to this argument, but we can only do our own part, and that’s why we decided to call in Breasts and Bum Bum to our office for an interview.
Today on Interview With, Breasts and Bum Bum come together to discuss which one of them is greater, and why.
Zikoko: Hi everyone. Zikoko is pleased to have you here today.
Breasts: But are we pleased to have Zikoko?
Bum Bum: Ahan, Breasts. Stop being rude.
Breasts: Um, excuse me? The interviewer said something and I asked a question based on that. Could you please do me a favour and point out where the rudeness is?
Bum Bum: Oh, please don’t play that game with me. We grew up together, I know you so well.
Breasts: Point of correction — we grew up in different parts of the same house. I live in the front yard, you dominate the backyard. We literally do not have any interactions. Please and please, don’t try to claim any familiarity because we are in public.
Okay, I think we started on the wrong foot… Hello once again. Thanks for agreeing to this interview.
Bum Bum: Thank you for contacting us. I am glad to be here.
Breasts: Yeah, what Bum Bum said.
Would you like some—
Breasts: Our Madam said you had things to discuss, and that’s why I’m here. So, if you don’t mind, could you please get to it? I’ve been in this bra all day and I need to get out of them so I can be free to roam around.
Bum Bum: Ah, no oh. This is where I must talk.
Breasts: About what?
Bum Bum: Don’t blame your rudeness on the bra. Afterall, I am currently experiencing the same discomfort.
What discomfort is that?
Bum Bum: I’ve been in jeans all day, and before that , there’s also panties which won’t stop entering my crack. But with how annoying all of that is, I’m still not losing my cool.
Breasts: Okay, and so?
Bum Bum: What I’m saying is that you are naturally rude, and the earlier you admit to that, the better your chances of you moving forward in life.
Breasts: LMAO. You must think I’m in the same position as you are.
Please, let this not lead to an argument. We are peace-loving at Zikoko.
Breasts: Listen to me, Bum Bum. I am already forward and that’s where I will continue to be. I don’t have to pretend to be humble or fake any kind of attitude in order to “move forward.” If you like, you can fake all the humility in the world, that’s your business. You will always remain at the back.
Oh, and you can try moving forward, but I will gladly show you an example of what that would look like.
Do am if e easy.
That’s NSFW, Breasts. Please take note.
Breasts: Sorry, I’ll do better.
Bum Bum: Amen oh.
Breasts: You mentioned something about panties being caught between your cheeks…
Bum Bum: I’ve moved on from that issue, Breasts. In fact, I am—
Can we pick something else to discuss?
Breasts: Look, I hate to compare suffering, but me and you, Bum Bum, our suffering is not the same. On the worst days,you’re covered by panties. But a bra? It is the worst cage I have ever been kept in. Sometimes, the straps will dig into our Madam’s shoulders and she’ll forcefully adjust it without thinking about my feelings. Sometimes even, wire from the bra will poke my skin.
Tell me, why else do you think bras are the first thing that gets removed on getting home? There is no greater joy than being free from the bounds of a bra.
That’s such a moving story. Sorry for what you go through.
Breasts: Please keep your apologies.
Bum Bum: So why then did you tell it if you don’t want them to tell you sorry?
Breasts: Do you even—
I’m going to stop you right there. Tempers are heated, so I’ll just ask a few more questions and leave you both to sort out your issues.
Bum Bum: “A few questions”. Hmm. Why do I feel like I know what you want to ask next?
Breasts: LMAO we all know what he wants to ask, but let’s pretend.
Wait oh, have you both settled your fight?
Breasts: When it comes to that question we know you are about to ask, we unite to tackle it.
Bum Bum: Lol you people think you are smart.
Um, I feel left out. Can you please tell me what the question is?
Breasts: Hian.
Bum Bum: Zikoko, no dey pretend. Ask what you want to ask.
Breasts: Yes, we are listening.
Alright. So… there is a constant argument about who is the greater one between Breasts and Bum Bum, and—
[Breasts and Bum Bum burst into laughter]
Bum Bum: I knew it!
Breasts: You people are so predictable.
Does this mean you will answer the question?
Breasts: First of all, I do not exist for men to wake up and make decisions about who is greater between me and my fellow sister.
Bum Bum: Preach sis!
Breasts: I have elevated myself beyond the male gaze and I shall not be brought low for the sake of cheap comparisons.
Bum Bum: Even if we will compare ourselves, will it now be for men?
No, women also—
Breasts: Oga please. Don’t even start. Do you know the rubbish I have suffered in the hands of men?
Bum Bum: The interviewer does not have breasts. Tell him your experience so he can know what his people are doing on Ngozi Ezeonu’s internet.
Breasts: My Madam will post a photo and men will come under to comment “Fallen heroes.” “Oluympus has fallen.” Like, first of all, Mr. Man, you are the one whose brain has fallen.
Bum Bum: See ehn. His life has fallen apart and he doesn’t even know.
Breasts: Now, women are afraid to post photos where they are wearing clothes with plunging necklines because of the he-goats that come to post rubbish under their photos. Some of these men don’t even have decorum. A breast cancer survivor will post photos and they will be there acting as breast constables.
I always beg our Madam to let me fight them, but she doesn’t like trouble, so she just deletes their comments and moves on.
Bum Bum: LOL please. What would you have done if our Madam gave you permission to fight?
Breasts: Plenty! First of all, if God intended me to stand at attention, he would have put bones inside me. So why are they bothering me?
Secondly, I am ashamed of these men. Many of them have not even touched real breasts. They watch porn and come out expecting breasts with nipples that are pointing towards the heavens. If any man knows he wants firm breasts, he should walk into the hospital and ask them how much it would cost to install silicone in his chest.
Bum Bum: Sorry dear. You are really trying. Uneasy lies the breasts that wear the bra.
Breasts: I tell you! At the end of the day, it’s all these things that make me greater than you.
Bum Bum: It’s like you are sick. You are greater than who?
Ahan. Another fight has started so soon?
Breasts: Bum Bum, I literally serve multiple functions. I make clothes fit better, for starters. That’s an aesthetic purpose. I produce milk to nurse babies, and sometimes, adventurous men like to suck on me. I provide a resting place for tired heads, and during sex, I perform a lot of functions I don’t even want to start mentioning here.
Bum Bum: Sorry oh, multipurpose supermarket. Is it now me that does not serve any purpose?
Breasts: Okay, mention them.
Bum Bum: I am aesthetic; I make jeans fit better. I even—, I—
Breasts: LMAO, go on now. You literally cannot produce milk, and try as you may, men cannot rest their heads on you.
I guess we have our winner.
Bum Bum: Not yet. Tell me, Breasts, if you are that perfect, why do women with big breasts complain of backache? In fact, why do you get tender and painful during periods? And you literally cannot keep secrets. When madam is aroused, your mouth has already become pointed, cho-cho, begging for attention.
Breasts: Versatility dear. You cannot relate if you don’t have the range.
Bum Bum: AT LEAST MEN EAT ME!
Breasts: Oh, so it’s me they don’t suck? Look at this joker.
Bum Bum: So, you are—
Breasts: Look, Bumbum, you have lost this argument. I am greater than you. Period. Maybe when you get better points, you can come back and argue. Right now, I have no argument to give. I need to get out of this bra so our landlady can massage me to check for lumps.
[Breasts walk out]
Wow. I am impressed! Bum Bum, thank you for coming. Will you drink water before you go?
Bum Bum:[Lost in thought]
Bum Bum?
Bumbum: [jolted back to reality] IF YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME, HOW COME SOME WOMEN ARE CONSIDERING BREAST REDUCTION SURGERY? WHY IS THERE NO BUM BUM REDUCTION SURGERY?
In fact, a man denied his mother because of me.
Has anyone denied their parents for breasts?
Erm, Bum Bum. It’s like you have lost this argument oh. Shey you will you start going?
Bum Bum: I’ll go. Please ask them to open the front door for me so I can pass.
Front what? No oh. Breasts has passed there. Please use the backdoor.
Bum Bum: God will punish you.
You are the one who lost the argument. Isn’t that a clear sign of punishment?
Bum Bum: Wow. All of you at Zikoko are scum!
[Bumbum walks out angrily]
Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.
I was shocked to find out that after you turn 25, your body experiences a set of changes. They call it second puberty. Like the first one, it’s different for everyone. The changes could come at 30+ or there would be no changes at all. In my experience and that of those around me, here’s a list of six things that happens to your body when you turn 25
1. Bad knees
Remember when everybody was doing the Megan knees challenge? I didn’t even bother participating because I know what my knees can and cannot do before it turns to story that touch. Congratulations to everyone who pulled it off.
2. Libido changes
I have heard (in case my mother is reading this) that your libido changes when you turn 25. My friend’s libido reduced and I have read stories of women saying their libido increased after they turned 25. It might be different for you.
3. Menstrual cycle changes
This one is the wildest one. My period went from steady four days to three days with more pain than usual. Menstrual cycle changes are sometimes indicative of other things so it’s helpful to see a gynaecologist as often as you can when you turn 25.
4. Men become more annoying
You can’t argue with me on this one. Old o, young o.
5. You might be 25 but your back will be 60
After spending hours of our lives sitting down with our back hunched over, what did we expect? Computer generation loun loun.
6. Forgetting people’s names
I swear my memory was sharper before I turned 25. Sometimes I can’t even remember whether or not I have met a person.
Women’s bodies are often picked apart for banter or bigger issues that they are often not allowed a say. Because of this, a lot of women internalise shame around their bodies. I’m not sure what my favourite body part is but here’s 10 Nigerian women talk about theirs:
Sade, 21
My favourite body parts are my legs. They’re not long or anything but they are soft and smooth. I take extra care to moisturize them so they always shine. I have neurofibromatosis, and my legs are the only places I don’t have spots. They are also thick compared to the rest of my body. I don’t like long skirts or dresses, because how else will I show off my beautiful legs?
Ire, 24
I love how beautiful my fingers are. I have long nails, so I always feel great when people ask me, “Are those your real nails?” I don’t think I can get over that compliment.
Ehi, 27
To be honest, my vagina is my favourite part of my body. I grew up being a smart kid and when I first encountered failure in my teens, I wanted to strip that identity away. I wanted to be more desirable than smart. I found that the quickest way was fucking around. My vagina helped me achieve my goals. There is also the fact that my vagina gives me pleasure — I’m incredibly blessed with orgasms.
Timinepre, 25
I love my face because it’s beautiful. Everything on it — my eyes, my cheekbones, my lips, and my bone structure work perfectly to make a stunning face.
Winnie, 18
I love my upper body — from my chest to my pelvic area because I think it’s sexy for someone who doesn’t have abs.
Shasha, 22
I love my legs. I would have been short without them. They also don’t have spots and the finest scar I have is on my legs. What’s not to love?
I love my vagina simply because it gives me pleasure.
Thelma, 21
My favourite body part is my toenails. I used to get a lot of compliments about them in secondary school. I think they are cute.
Ewatomi, 25
I love my arms — they don’t have any discolouration like the rest of my body. They are also the smoothest part of my body. I love how the scars from when I used to harm myself are fading away. It reminds me how far I have come.
Lady, 25
I really like my breasts. I used to be insecure about how big they were when I was younger but I have grown to love them now.
30+ back jokes are some of the most viral tweets on Twitter. Everyone knows that turning 30 changes your body but I wanted to know how it affected women specifically. I made a call for 30+ Nigerian women to share some of the ways their body changed when they turned 30. Here’s what five of them have to say.
Kissu, 35
I have not been able to shed weight as fast as I used to. I now deal with ovulation pain that was never there before, and it hurts like crazy. Also, I get these long stretches of time where I am super horny — I call it my heat period. I read that it’s my ‘biological clock’ screaming for babies.
Oby, 33
The first thing I noticed was that my metabolism slowed. I used to be able to eat a lot and not add any weight but now I can stay without eating for two days and I will still add weight. My knees started hurting. I could be squatting for three minutes and standing up would be a problem.
I’ve been diagnosed with endometriosis, so my periods always hurt. It was bad before 30, but it’s worse now. I used to be able to ease the pain with one or two tablets of Felvin but now I could take a pack in a day. I also have irritable bowel syndrome so I am always bloated. My favourite part about my 30s is that my curves became very pronounced. I also became more comfortable with my sexuality. I started saying that I used my 20s to do trial and error to figure out what my body needs. Now, 30+ sex means if it’s not giving me orgasms, then I’m not doing it.
Abigail, 34
I birthed my first child when I was 30. I went from a size 6 to size 14. I developed hypo-pigmentation — loss of melanin on some parts of my skin and a pain in my back that never leaves. I also lost my hair and had to cut off my beautiful long locs. When I go out to have drinks and have fun, it takes two full days to recover.
Jolie, 34
When I turned 30, I found out I had hypothyroidism — a condition where the thyroid gland doesn’t produce enough thyroid hormones. This means I can’t eat certain foods. I became lactose intolerant. Constipation became a regular thing. I stopped ovulating and have to be on medications forever. I had to start a diet plan and eat out less except I want to reward myself on some days.
Atinuke, 34
When I was younger, I lost weight faster. I could eat one meal a day for six months and I would lose weight. Now if I like I don’t eat for six months, nothing is going anywhere. I also noticed I get tired easily. I have a sedentary lifestyle because of my work yet at the end of a day, I feel as if I’ve been on my feet all day. When I work for a few hours, I need to take a break unlike before where I could go long stretches of time working.
We like to think our bodies are our own. Like we own and control them. But you see this body you call your own, it chooses to disgrace, embarrass and betray you, occasionally at the worst of times.
Read on to see the 6 terrible ways your body can betray you so you can cast and bind them next Sunday.
1. When your stomach betrays you
Of all the betrayals, this one is the worst. Once it hits you, you’ll just start sweating big bullets of sweat out of nowhere and all the hair on your body will stand at attention.
Next, the stupid stomach starts rumbling as you running around looking for the closest toilet. If you don’t find, you’re on your own.
2. When your hairline betrays you
Men know this all too well. Your hairline starts to do a Michael Jackson and moonwalks to the back. You’ll go to bed one night with a full head of hair and wake up the next morning with strands of hair gently falling on your pillow while you slept. If this is not the most painful body betrayal, I don’t know what is.
3. When your period betrays you
You’ve not seen your boyfriend in four months because you live in different cities. But he’s coming to town for the weekend. Your pussy is throbbing at the time you’re going to have. You’ve been telling him that you have that WAP.
Little do you know that your uterus has other plans for you. As he is landing at the airport, your period is landing too.
So, all plans for mekwe are cancelled till further notice (probably another four months). If you’re thinking “period doesn’t stop anything,” I want you to know that you’re a very nasty nasty person. I hope God forgives you.
4. When your penis betrays you
This one is probably the 2nd worst. You’ve slid into this babe’s DM like 8 months ago, arranging the parole patiently for when she comes to Lagos. Everything is set, your date was great. You get home and its time to do some gbas gbos under the sheets. Alas, your penis has refused to cooperate with you. You beg and plead but no show for you today. Dead.
5. When your immune system betrays you
This one is just annoying. Your body can just pack up one day and say it’s not doing again. You start to regret all the time you stressed your body, but it’s too late. Go and use two Coartem and one paracetamol. Pele.
6. When your age starts to betray you
30+, this is for you. You realise that your body can’t do what it used to. You’re going to bed by 9 p.m. When you’re in Quilox, you’re already yawning by 11.30. Before, you used to do 5 rounds non-stop, now you can only 1½ rounds before you call it a night. Your body starts to slow down
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old pansexual woman who went from trying to disvirgin herself and not knowing what masturbation meant to exploring her sexuality and learning about her body.
When did you have sex for the first time?
I was 20 and in my first year in university. I met this boy during university clearance, and we started talking, then we dated. I fell in love with him and it was beautiful. In the first year of our relationship, I told him I wasn’t ready to have sex, so we just used to make out — very intense making out sessions. Then one day, I was like, you know what? I’m going to have this sex. It was like a bomb went off in my head. I was 20 and my mates had been having sex since they were 14/15.
Wait, what?
Hahaha, see you.
Wetin Ope no go see for gate. So what stopped you from having sex at that age?
I guess it was purity culture. All I had heard about sex before that time was that it was bad, that you’ll get pregnant or get AIDs.
Anyway, so I was 20 and curious. On this fateful day, we finished eating, saw a movie and started making out. Then I grabbed his dick and I was like, biko, put this thing inside me. He was like, are we really doing this? I was like, sure, why not? I mean, I had tried to disvirgin myself by myself…
Like masturbation?
Not really, because I hadn’t discovered masturbation then, didn’t know what it was. I was just using my hand to do the thing and it was painful AF.
Why did you do that?
Like I said, I was just curious and tired. Everyone — classmates etc. — assumed I was having sex because they thought I was a slut. Me that I wasn’t even getting any. I don’t believe in that term “slut”. But they were conflating being sexually liberated with having sex and having multiple sexual partners; I basically had no shame when talking about sex or other sexual activities, so they called me a slut.
People.
Yup. And even when I had sex for the first time, it was so painful. I kept telling him it was hurting, and he was like, Ah, I don’t want to hurt you…sorry… But I wasn’t going to let him stop, I couldn’t have waited all this time and gone through all that pain for him to stop. He better continue this thing so that we can be free to fuck anytime. At the point where he had completely entered, I was still in so much pain and it felt like the guy was in heaven because he kept saying, “Are we really doing this?” “We’re really fucking, we’re really having sex right now.” I was like yo, stop talking fam. And there was no blood.
Wait, you thought…
Again, purity culture. People often said that the first time you have sex, there would be blood. I had already planned how I would dispose of the bedsheet.
So yeah, I didn’t enjoy sex the first four times. In fact in that relationship, I only enjoyed sex a few times.
Yikes.
I remember one experience I enjoyed though. It was this time in his sister’s bathroom, she’d gone to spread her clothes downstairs and she was literally about to walk in on us. The sex was literally just 20 seconds, but it was fucking amazing. It was the rush, the adrenaline. So there’s this thing my body almost always does: it chooses to orgasm in the midst of danger and it’s always fantastic.
Mad oh.
I just remembered this other time before we broke up. I had already mentally dissociated myself from him because I was falling in love with someone else, a girl. We had sex on the floor, I was on my period and I let him come inside me. While we were having sex, I was thinking of her. It was great. There were a few other times I enjoyed sex with him, but I feel like I willed myself to enoy the sex. I was madly in love with him, but I was not physically attracted to him.
Oh yeah, I also think I liked him because he was a bit effeminate, and I love effeminate men. We were together for three years, but the energy started dropping after the first year.
What happened next?
I just realised that even before we broke up, in the second year of our relationship, I cheated on him with some guy I met who I was attracted to from the jump. Hahaha. Like when I saw him, I was like yep, I’m going to have sex with this guy. So I literally would go from having sex with this guy, to hang out and have unethusiastic sex with my boyfriend. And I didn’t care because I knew what I just got. So yeah, we broke up and I moved to the babe I had fallen in love with.
Have you always known that you were not just attracted to men?
I guess I had always known. When we were kids and we played mummy and daddy, I always liked to do it with a girl. I didn’t necessarily know that there was another way to be because heteronormativity is forced down your throat. But as an adult, having feelings for a woman was very weird. I always chase passion. So I told her I had feelings for her, and we got talking and she asked me to be her girlfriend and na so relationship start.
I have to quote Rihanna, sex with her so amazing. There is just something more close to home when you sleep with a woman as another woman. So the first time, the twenty fifth time, they were all so great. I mean the relationship did get bad. I feel like there were times we tolerated sex with each other. And that’s because I feel like we didn’t always like each other. This was 2017. There’s this thing that my body does when I don’t like the sex — the sex always hurts.
So what do you identify as?
I’m pansexual. For me, this means that it’s the person I fall in love with. It’s not your genitals or identity. It’s you as a human being — the skin and the organs and the pulse in your veins. That’s why I can’t choose a side. It’s the connection for me. It’s not what you look like or what you identify as.
I love how well you know your body, how you can tell what you want and what you don’t want. Must you have some sort of connection with someone before you can have sex with them?
Honestly, yes, but I’ve had some dead nacks in my life to know that that may not always be the case. There’s this guy that I used to like, we had sex and it was so good. Then in 2018, I contacted him again to have sex and it was rubbish because it hurt — clearly my body didn’t want to be there. So sometimes, you just want to fuck, and you’re too tired to fuck yourself.
This just made me a lot more curious about “fucking yourself” because when you started having sex in 2015, you hadn’t discovered masturbation. How did you get here?
In the beginning, it was hard. Many times, I tried and failed to give myself pleasure. Up until 2018, I didn’t know how to masturbate. I hadn’t learned my body, so it just didn’t sit right. I would touch myself till it felt good and just stop there. I don’t know what I was afraid of. I guess I just wasn’t ready to take that power for myself. But one day I did.
Wiun.
It was amazing. I cried a bit, hahaha. Then I laughed hysterically after. I was sitting in my own cum and pee and just laughing because I knew that it was the beginning of self pleasure for me and I had been waiting for a long time to come into myself this way.
Sounds Amazing.
It really is.
So what’s sex for you these days?
Me and my toys!
Don’t you ever feel like you need more?
Oh I do. But I’m not sleeping with anybody I don’t want to sleep with again. Recently, I travelled to see someone I had known for three months. I had planned to have sex with him just because I wanted sex. He’s sweet, kind but I’m not attracted to him. Anyway, my period came and he did not touch me because men are afraid of a little blood. I was a tad disappointed because I don’t know when next I’ll have sex with another human being again, but I felt okay. It would have probably hurt sef.
What’s your opinion of sex now?
I think sex is beautiful and hot. When you come, for those 2.5 seconds, it feels like everything is alright with the world. You get?
Haha. I think so. After having to unlearn so much about purity culture, what will you tell your children about sex?
I’ll tell them to enjoy sex. I’ll tell them my stories about masturbation and the times when sex hurt, so they won’t be afraid or ashamed to tell me anything. I’d really want them to learn about themselves and their bodies, so they know what they want with sex. I would hate to hear that my child was having sex just to fill a gaping hole in them — which I sometimes do — I only want them to have sex when they want.
It’s that time of the year when the leaves fall, the paper edges fold and your skin gets ashy like burnt paper (pardon the joke). It is essential to take care of your skin properly during this season, here’s how to do it properly.
1. Take baths properly
We know the weather is cold, yes. You took a shower last night, okay? Ensure you take baths properly when you, should so your skin pores can breathe, stay healthy and be free.
2. LOTION
This cannot be over emphasized really. You can not skip this part. No your clothes covering that part of the body doesn’t excuse it from being “lotioned”. Use hydrating lotions so your skin will thank you. This is one of the keys to success.
3. Drink lots of water.
It has been scientifically proven that people who drink more water have better glowing skin, get good jobs, have good homes and the like. But trust us drinking lots of water helps your skin glow and stay healthy during the harmattan.
4. Eat fruits and vegetables
These are really good for your skin they do keep the skin glowing; bananas, oranges, pawpaws and the like. They contain antioxidants and vitamin c and these will also prevent you from having colds.
5. Warm and protective clothing
When you see okada riders all decked up no they are not imitating Kanye West, they are protecting their skin. The dry weather causes your skin to dry and sometimes start peeling. Cover up!
6. Chap stick
Do not leave your house without applying this fantastic piece of magic. It will keep your lips looking like lips and not packs of flour. We all hate cracked, dry and peeling lips. Use a lip balm or chap stick!
7. Hair oils and moisturizers
It is also important to keep your hair oiled and moisturized, this will help keep your scalp in good condition. Dry hair=dry scalp.
It’s that time of the year when the leaves fall, the paper edges fold and your skin gets ashy like burnt paper (pardon the joke). It is essential to take care of your skin properly during this season, here’s how to do it properly.
