Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy
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The biggest women-only festival in Lagos is BACK.
Get your tickets here for a day of fun, networking and partayyyyy -
Beyoncé might’ve lost the Album of the Year at the 2023 Grammys, but the good sis is about to get our coins. Everyone (with funds, sha) is going on and on about queuing and getting tickets for Queen Bey’s upcoming Renaissance Tour. But with SAPA everywhere in Nigeria, I’ve come up with a list of ways some of us struggling members of the Beyhive can see our Queen too.
Become a POS operator
The way POS operators charge for transactions, it’s clear they’re about to replace Otedola and Dangote on the Forbes list. By the time you charge 500 people ₦3k each to withdraw ₦1k, you’ll have your flight and Renaissance ticket money, shikena.
Ask your boss for five to ten years’ salary advance
Think about it, what are you using your future salary for? Why not focus on the now? Beyoncé’s tour is now, so please, call me if you need help convincing your boss.
Dream about it
If you go to bed listening to Beyoncé’s Renaissance, there’s a high chance you’ll dream about it. Even though it’s in your dreams, you’ll still get to watch the show live, and that’s all that matters.
Have dinner with Jay Z and beg him to beg his madam
For the first time ever, I suggest you choose dinner with Jay Z over anything else in life. Meeting oga and pleading your case might get you VIP tickets to his madam’s tour, or you guys may become friends, which is a good consolation prize.
Ask your parents for your inheritance
You see that land or money your parents always say they’ll leave you in their will? Collect it now. See, you can’t wait until they die anymore because Beyoncé will be done performing by then, and if you don’t see Beyonce, you too might end up dead.
Use your rent money
Who needs shelter when you can get the Beyoncé live experience? Now that we’re on the same page, I’ll advise you to cuff those tickets and prepare for life under the bridge when you get back.
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Become a witch and avoid flight tickets
I won’t say too much before I wake up with a boil in my eye tomorrow. Just remember that ticket prices are rising, so it’s a wise time to diversify your modes of transportation.
Manifestation
You’ll need three vital things to make this work: a silver disco ball, a picture of Beyonce from her Dangerously in Love era (to show you’re a day-one fan), and finally, candles that smell like Beyoncé (I don’t know what she smells like either). Gather them in one room, kneel down and chant that “Tip tip tip on hardwood floor” part in Heated, for 20 minutes daily.
Your ticket and flight money will appear one week later.
Convince Bubu to make you an ambassador before he leaves office
Ambassadors get to have their lives funded by the federal government while they avoid naira and fuel scarcity in a foreign country. This is the best time to call Buhari and ask him to make you the ambassador to one of the countries Beyoncé will visit during her tour. Bubu owes all of us; call in your favour before it’s too late.
Join the Illuminati
It’s hard to miss your Mummy GO’s concert when you’re a loyal member of the Illuminati. You know what? Forget Beyoncé tickets. Joining the Illuminati would be a great networking opportunity for all you aspiring billionaires. Start by getting a form from their Yaba branch today.
Find a glucose guardian
Why hustle for flight and ticket money when you can use someone else’s money? The thing is, you need to find this sugar daddy or mummy ASAP because it may take a while for you to romance them enough to give you their ATM pin. It’ll be tough, but watching Beyoncé sing Alien Superstar will make it all worth it.
Give up
Dear, you couldn’t afford Asake’s ₦70k tour in 2022, but you think you can land Beyoncé tickets in 2023? Please and please, let’s be serious here.
ALSO READ: Stress-Free Jobs You Can Do After Beyoncé Makes You Quit Your 9 to 5
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The 2023 Grammy Awards came, saw, gave Tems her first Grammy, aired Burna Boy and failed to give Beyoncé her flowers… again.
Here’s a recap of all the moments that had us shook and the ones we’d very much like to forget.
Criminal: Beyonce losing “Album of the Year” for the fourth time
The most shocking moment of the night has to be when Beyoncé’s Renaissance lost the Album of the Year trophy to Harry Style’s Harry’s House. After putting out the most impactful and well-thought-out album of 2022 (still no visuals sha), everyone assumed this would be Beyoncé’s year to win the top prize, but the Grammys said:
Like Adele said in 2017, after winning Album of the Year, “What the f–k does she [Beyoncé] have to do to win album of the year?”
Say What?: Harry Styles saying, “This doesn’t happen to people like me very often”, after winning Album of the Year
As if beating out Beyoncé wasn’t bad enough, the As It Was singer went on to say things like this don’t happen to people like him. People like who, Harry? White men? British people? Straight men? Former One Direction members?
Boy, bye.
Best: Tems winning her first Grammy
If the world was ending, best believe I’ll carry Tems and her Grammy and leave the rest of you to deal with all the wahala. Tems showed us once again that she’s THAT girl when she took home the Grammy for Best Melodic Rap Performance alongside Future and Drake for their song, WAIT FOR U. Considering the year Tems has had, I knew she wouldn’t walk away empty-handed. Now, we have to get ready for the Oscars.
Not too bad: Burna Boy losing in both categories
I didn’t see Burna Boy losing in both the Global Music Performance and Global Music Album categories coming. Even if Love, Damini didn’t take home an award, I at least expected Last Last, a massive worldwide hit, to win in its nominated category.
Anyway, maybe this is what you get for insulting and kicking your fans.
Best: Aunty Viola Chinonye Davis winning her first Grammy and getting EGOT status
Viola Davis has had us in a chokehold since How to Get Away With Murder, so it’s time to pop champagne to celebrate her win. Not only did Aunty V win her first Grammy, but the award also makes her the third black woman and one of only 18 people to win an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony award. Talk about iconic.
I know that’s right: Lizzo shouting out Beyoncé during her speech for Record of the Year
Is it really the Grammys if one artiste doesn’t talk about how Beyoncé inspired their career? Adele did it in 2017, Megan Thee Stallion did it in 2021, and now, Lizzo. It’s the consistency for me. Grammys, we hope you’re hearing the crowd? The crowd is a lot. Many people are shouting.
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Interesting: Samara Joy winning “Best New Artist” over Latto, Muni Long and Tobe Nwigwe
I didn’t know Samara Joy until today — apparently, she’s a jazz artiste. But she’s black, and one thing about me?
I.C.O.N.I.C: Beyoncé making history at the Grammys
Coming into the 2023 Grammys, Beyoncé already had 28 Grammy awards and the record for the most-awarded female musician of all time, but the good sis said, “Hold my cup”.
Winning Best Dance/Electronic Album, Best R&B Song, Best Dance/Electronic Recording and Best Traditional R&B Album, Beyoncé moved her total to 32 Grammys, surpassing classical music conductor Georg Solti’s record of 31 Grammys.
Quick question: Where is she putting all these Grammys, abeg?
Here for it: Mary J Blige, DJ Khaled and Rick Ross stanning Tems… as they should
Forget Solape, it’s high time we ask Temilade what she put in her stew.
Very very somehow: Jay Z joining DJ Khaled, Rick Ross, Lil Wayne and John Legend to perform God Did right after Beyoncé’s loss
DJ Khaled’s set for God Did would’ve been a great and timely performance to close the show if Beyoncé had won. But with the direction the show took, the song and performance felt off. God does many things, but I doubt Harry’s House winning over Renaissance was his handwork. I’ll find out on Sunday.
ALSO READ: Do Nigeria’s Biggest Artists Really Need the Grammys?
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It’s one thing to see a Nigerian musician in a photo with an American one at some fancy “eat the rich” people event. But when you start seeing international celebrities drinking Limca behind high tables in Nigeria, you know it’s time to ask serious questions. That’s precisely what I did.
Beyoncé and Jay Z on a high table in Ilorin
I know what you’re thinking: Is this image photoshopped? The answer is no, and there’s more.
This image of Jay Z and Beyoncé sitting on a high table with Fanta and Coca-Cola has become a popular meme. But if you were ever wondering how it happened. The gist is that the couple were invited to Ilorin by Bukola Saraki, the governor of Kwara State at the time, to look at efforts made by the government to provide clean water for its people. I shit you not. Fun fact: Jay Z got turbaned the Serikin Waka of Ilorin and had a street named after him.
BTS and Tony Elumelu
Nothing prepared the internet for this image of K-pop icons BTS and UBA Board Chairman Tony Elumelu. I get it, K-pop is huge, but I didn’t think Mr Elumelu was a fan of Dynamite or Boy With Luv. Even though the picture was taken at the 2018 United Nations General Assembly, where they were all guests, Mr Elumelu has come out to say he’s part of the Nigerian BTS ARMY.
Osita Iheme and Eddie Murphy
Two comedy legends, one picture. Although it would’ve been fun to learn that Eddie Murphy and Osita Iheme are shooting a secret film or TV show together, this just happens to be a fan picture Osita took when he ran into Eddie Murphy. But with Nollywood and Hollywood collaborating more often, we might still see these two in a comedy as co-workers who can’t stand each other.
Davido and Ellen Pompeo (Grey’s Anatomy)
As a Davido fan who’s also seen approximately 13 and a half seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, my whole life turned upside down when I saw Ellen Pompeo with my Nigerian Shakespeare. Even though I would’ve loved seeing Davido guest star on Grey’s as a neurosurgeon from Nigeria, these two are just basketball fans. That’s all.
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Omotola Jalade Ekeinde and Akon
You just had to be there in 2013 when this picture of Omotola Jalade Ekeinde and Akon dropped on the interwebs. Everyone had something to say about the image, from dating to new music rumours (have you forgotten “Naija lo wa. Kilonsele?“). But alas, it was all promo for their cameo on the US TV show, Hit the Floor. Would’ve loved to get some music, though.
CKay, Luka Sabbat (Grown-ish) and Manu Rios (Elite)
We all know CKay is one of Nigeria’s biggest musical acts of the moment, but does that mean we’ll be seeing him on the grounds of Grownish‘s Cal U with Luka Sabbat or in the classes of Elite‘s Las Encinas with Manu Rios? Sorry to disappoint you, but these three were just guests at a Ralph Lauren fragrance launch in London. Don’t give up, though. He might still cameo on one of our fave shows.
Peter Obi and Akon
Is Akon obidient? While I don’t have the answer to this question (and he doesn’t have a PVC), this random link-up with Nigerian presidential candidate, Peter Obi, happened at an event celebrating the launch of the Dozy Mmobuosi Foundation in London.
ALSO READ: 8 Upcoming Albums That’ll Make 2023 Bang Like Today’s Bread
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One name has been on everybody’s lips for days now, and that name is Beyoncé. Even though the Naira keeps crashing like the national grid and there’s chaos all around us, one of the only few things that truly brings us joy right now is Beyoncé’s Renaissance.
For those just getting into house/EDM music after listening to Renaissance, here are some Nigerian artists you should check out to continue the party.
Niniola
You have to be sleeping under a rock not to know the queen of Afrohouse, Niniola. From Ibadi to Designer, Niniola (and Sarz) have been serving us back-to-back hits over the years — who can forget the iconic opening line, “Shey footballer ni e?” in Maradona .
Even though house music feels foreign to Nigerians, Niniola is one artist that has been able to adapt the genre in a way that sounds authentically Nigerian. You can’t hear her voice and not want to break your waist on the dance floor. And just like Queen Bey, Niniola’s vocals are unmatched. No cap.
Sensei Lo
The Nigeian-born Ghanaian is a popular DJ on the Lagos house/EDM scene, and has moved from playing music at Elegushi Beach to headlining shows with global acts like Major Lazer. If that isn’t growth, I don’t know what it is.
If you want to get into Sensei Lo’s music, I suggest you start with the bangers, Don’t Let Go and Ibadan Malimbe.
Sigag Lauren
There’s nothing more annoying to me than listening to a DJ struggle and fail at remixing a song that I like. But not Sigag Lauren, though, because this man’s remixes are always on fire. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Teni’s Uyo Meyo or Ayra Starr’s Away, Sigag has a way of making his remix slap even harder than the original. I have no choice but to stan.
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Kah-Lo
Tell me what you know about being Grammy nominated. Girl, before your fave giants were grabbing Grammy nominations, Kah-Lo had already scored one for Best Dance Performance in 2017 alongside British DJ, Riton. If you loved songs like Cozy, Alien Superstar, Energy and Pure/Honey on Renaissance, or just bad bitch music, then Kah-Lo is the girl you need on your playlist.
Start with Fake ID and Drag Me Out.
Jamie Black
Beyoncé is the only one that’ll name a song, America Has A Problem, and proceed to ask us to throw our ass in a circle and enjoy ourselves in the face of these problems. Like Beyoncé, Jamie Black sings about Lagos so that you end up dancing so hard that you forget that this city is an absolute ghetto filled with chaos and unnecessary traffic.
Loving the escapism agenda, and you should too.
Beyo Jr.
Zinolesky’s Loving You may be one of the best songs to sample Asa’s Be My Man, but Body on Body by Beyo Jr, Calix and Maka, gives Zinolesky a run for his money. The track is so good with its sampling that you’ll almost forget that the lyrics sound familiar.
Even though Beyo Jr. gives more of a David Guetta vibe than Beyoncé on Renaissance, his take on EDM is still cool enough to make this list.
Bigfootinyourface
Just like Beyoncé on Break My Soul, Bigfootinyourface’s Daylight is a song that encourages listeners to throw their middle finger to all the wahala around them and dance until the sun comes up.
While Bigfootinyourface doesn’t make house music all the time, this song is the anti-capitalism anthem I need to listen to at least once a week to keep me sane. Nigeria will not kill us. Say amen.
ALSO READ: Omah Lay’s Emotions Take Centre Stage on “Boy Alone”
