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We know it’s tempting, but just because your best friend has abandoned you in the clutches of Tinubu and his cohorts doesn’t mean you should abandon her on February 13th, the sacred Galentine’s Day.
It’s five days away, so you have enough time to get her the gifts on our list to show her that, besides the distance, nothing should even think about coming between you.
Your presence
Whether they believe it or not, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them, so find a way to appear at their doorstep and give them the surprise of a lifetime. If they don’t act surprised enough, then consider getting yourself a new best friend or shaking them till they receive some sense.
A playlist
Think of all the songs you loved dancing and crying to togethet, and put them all in a playlist. Hopefully, it will make her remember the love you shared in-person and cause her to return to Agbado Central for a month or two just to suffer with you a little.
A pet
Get them a cute little animal and name it after yourself. This way, they’ll feel like you’re always around them, keeping them company, even though you’re miles away.
A date
Everyone knows loneliness is what’s killing our people over there. So set them up with another of your friends in their city, and at the end of the night you get piping hot tea on all the things that went down on their date. It’s a win-win.
A rose
The type of rose you get them doesn’t really matter. Whether they’re smelling it or it’s giving them the orgasm of their life, we promise, they’ll appreciate it.
A plane, a helicopter or a witch’s broom
We’ve given you all these options, so you have no room for excuses. Get her one of the modes of transportation above, so you both can see each other any time you want.
We recommend the broom though. Are you truly best friends if you’ve never been referred to as witches?
Jewelry
By jewelry, we mean a friendship collar. That way, you’re not in another country hoping someone isn’t trying to steal her from you. Just get them a collar with your name boldly written on it, so everyone knows who she belongs to.
Marriage pacts only exist in Hollywood movies. Or so I thought until I came across this tweet.
So I reached out to Clara, who explained that even though people think she and her best friend, Timi, are holding out for each other, the idea behind the pact is much different. But why make the pact, and what does it really mean to them?
This is Clara’s story, as told to Boluwatife
Image: Chris F via Pexels
I met Timi in 2015, when we were in SS 2 of the same secondary school. But we didn’t really consider each other as friends.
We started talking when our school set up extra lessons to pump our class with as much knowledge as possible for the coming Cambridge IGCSE exams. This happened over a two-month period between August and September.
He used to sit behind me during prep period, and at first, we only talked about the lessons. In fact, he’s the reason I know mathematics today. He sucked at English, which I was great at, but was better at maths. It was a help-me-I-help-you situation.
Our relationship didn’t progress past classmates till we went home for a two-week break after the Cambridge extra lessons. We got each other’s numbers from the school’s group chat, and would randomly chat. Timi had this friend I liked, so I was trying to confirm with him whether his friend liked me too.
We resumed SS 3 in October and bonded over him trying to help me get together with his friend — classic Hollywood rubbish — and still assisting each other to prepare for exams. I helped him with essays and biology, and he helped me with stuff like matrix and coding. We also read together in the library. The exams came in November, and it was stressful. Not everyone wrote the Cambridge exams, so it became a shared experience we could talk and complain to each other about.
I later quit trying to date his friend because I started liking someone else. And that’s when it became apparent that Timi and I were friends beyond me trying to date his friend. We’d even stopped talking about the guy at that time. We’d started talking about how different our lives would be in a year, when we’d leave for university in other countries. He was to leave for Canada, and I, the UK. We soon left school for Christmas break and kept in touch.
On Christmas Day 2015, we officially agreed to be friends. My mum’s boyfriend decided to take her, my sister and I to a Chinese restaurant that day. It was strange because we typically spent Christmas at home; I’m usually lukewarm to the season.
I texted Timi about it; something like, “You’re a new person in my life, so maybe that’s why I’m doing something new for Christmas.” He asked where we went because his family also went out. I mentioned the place, and it turned out he was also there. What are the odds that we were at the same place at the same time? We met at the reception and spoke for a while. Then he said it was the first time he’d see someone outside school and actually be happy to meet them. I said, “At this point, we’re actually friends”. It was the first time we mentioned being friends.
Our relationship became even better after that. We spent more time together, and on December 31, he went, “Now that we’re friends, I hope to have you in my life every last day of the year”.
The moment I started thinking of Timi as my best friend was when he did something for me that no one else had ever done. There was this book I was reading in the library, “Her Mother’s Hope” by Francine Rivers. It had about a thousand pages, and I couldn’t finish it in one go because I only had a three-hour library time. It was also popular among library goers; people used to rush it. This guy actually hid the book somewhere only I’d find it in the library. He did that until I finished reading it. It was so thoughtful that he considered my enjoyment.
For him, he started thinking of me as his best friend when I showed him my appendectomy scar in school. I just found that out when he mentioned it during an interview we had with my friend Jojo in February 2023 — for a friendship-inspired Valentine’s blog. It was the first time someone did a story about our friendship.
Leaving secondary school was an emotional period because we thought we’d never see each other again. He left for Canada soon after, but I delayed my UK plan and went to a university in Nigeria instead. We kept in touch with calls and texts, but our friendship affected some of our other relationships because we were young and didn’t understand how our closeness could make other people feel a type of way.
One of my exes didn’t understand why I’d drop everything once it was time to jump on a call with Timi. To me, it was “Timi time”. One of his exes also asked him to choose between me and her. He chose me, and that’s how wahala started; she left. I think we were just excited about being each other’s person. I learnt how to be a friend through Timi. I had no real understanding of friendship before him.
After 2016, when he left for Canada, we didn’t see each other again till 2018. It was a tough year for both of us. Timi was going through mental health issues; finding his feet in a new environment wasn’t easy. My boyfriend at the time had just passed away in a car accident. Our shared grief brought us together again. Timi flew to Nigeria because he didn’t want me to bury my dead alone. I still remember hugging him for the longest time, and looking at him, happy I could touch him again.
By 2021, I was in my last semester at university and decided I wanted to be a hoe. The thing is, I’m not good at relationships. Neither is Timi. But it’s not because we’re holding out for each other, as people assume. I have some very unorthodox “doctrines”. For example, I believe you should be able to confirm from a potential partner’s ex whether the person they’re a good partner or not. I know I’m a good partner, but I don’t know what it is. We just don’t tend to date people for a long time.
When I decided to be a hoe, I had a series of short flings with about seven people within a span of six months. I talked to Timi about how I was about to leave yet another fling, and he said he’d just left someone too and that he didn’t know if something was wrong with him because the girl was nice. I joked about us possibly losing our future spouses due to our unseriousness. He said he wasn’t worried because if, in the end, we didn’t marry, we’d just marry each other. It was just a joke at the time, but we kept reaffirming it and even told friends. What people don’t get is that, it’s not a thing of surrender. It’s our way of telling ourselves we’d never truly be alone because we’ll always have each other.
I know many people, even many of our friends, will never believe we’re just friends. We don’t mention the pact to potential partners because we’ve learned from how we handled our friendship in past relationships, and I try not to present him as a threat. It’s not like we’re hiding the pact — obviously, it’s viral now — but we downtone it in respect of the other people in our lives.
My mum thinks I’m wasting my time and should just marry someone who understands my on-and-off nature. She thinks my relationships don’t last because I’m unconsciously saving myself for him and that when we’re done being children, we’d marry. But we’re not just settling for each other. We’d only marry if it’s in the cards and the stars align.
My friendship with Timi is one of the strongest relationships I have right now. We have calls that last till midnight, where we’d talk about everything and anything.
Have I ever thought about what it’d be like if we were actually together? Yes, but I always give myself a reality check. I’m in the UK now — he’s still in Canada — and I’m not a long-distance relationship girl. I don’t see the need to ask if he’s thought about the possibility of a relationship because it’ll unnecessarily put us both in an uncomfortable position and might ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Why ruin this good thing all because of “Does he love me? Will it work?” questions? I don’t know if he’s ever entertained such thoughts, but I know I don’t need to prod him into any romantic situation. If it’ll happen, it’ll happen. We’re both 23 and single now, so we have seven years till we’re 30, to do magic and find someone.
Since I started writing Letters #ToHER, I’ve come across the sweetest words shared between friends. But I’ve also seen best friends that barely care to hug each other. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that the most successful friendships always fit into one of these 10 duos.
The babe that has at least five foundations lined up in her drawer:
And the friend that can’t do makeup to save her life :
Is a friendship really complete if one friend doesn’t always need help getting ready for events? I can’t imagine such.
The friend that goes on the wildest dates and brings all the tea:
And the friend that’s planning to marry her secondary school crush:
Don’t you just love a duo with one friend who shows wickedness on the streets and another who tensions everyone on social media with “God when” vibes?
The ballsy friend that doesn’t take crap from anybody:
The ajebo friend that needs ginger to try new things:
Blood Sisters is one movie that sums up what this type of friendship looks like. You have the babe that’s willing to kill for her friend and the babe that’ll ride or die with her crazy friend.
The planner:
The carefree friend that trusts the universe to decide what happens in life:
Someone has to take charge of the future while the other person schedules periods to calm down.
The besties who have their periods in sync and have an attitude together:
Every real friendship has to be sealed by tears, blood and period cramps.
The anxious friend that doesn’t realise how smart she is:
The friend that’s always on standby to hype her bestie:
Every girl needs a babe friend that’ll hype her up unprovoked and knows exactly how to get her energy up.
The bestie who’s a social media influencer:
And the bestie that has to give feedback before every video and picture goes up and still hypes a post like she’s never seen it in her life:
Behind every creative is a bestie who doubles as a manager and hype woman.
The bestie who’s married, a hot mum and premium pie:
And the bestie who’s single and prefers to play the rich aunty role forever:
Imagine the joy of getting to play mummy and returning the kids back to their real mummy when you’re over them. That’s the joy of every rich aunty out there.
The gym babe that’s all about the squats:
And the bestie that has the superpower to eat five times a day without adding weight:
How can we all benefit from the superpower of eating without spending the whole day sucking in our tummies? These are global issues we need to address.
The pasta babe that only wants to eat out:
And the bestie who doubles as an accountant:
It’s either your bestie goes broke and spends months on your couch, or you put on your accountant hat and play devil’s advocate anytime she wants to squander money in the name of enjoyment.
The ride-or-die besties that only say “I love you” once in a blue moon
We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: Timah, a woman who wants to be as kind and present as her best friend
To: Wunmi, the best friend going through a rough patch
Dear Wunmi,
I’m sincerely sorry I haven’t been a good friend in the last year. I’ve been selfish and way too absorbed by my woes to notice how difficult life has become since your relationship ended. Too absorbed to notice your fake smile at my weird jokes, or how you ignored my rude remarks about the break-up even though they hurt. I’m sorry I wasn’t as sensitive as you needed me to be.
I always ascribed your incessant kindness to curiosity, but an epiphany has made me realise it stems from pure undiluted love.
I have no idea how someone so selfless and kind would care about a narcissist like me. But I want you to know, although I can’t promise to change overnight, I’ll always make a conscious effort to overwhelm you with delicious acts of service.
I want to go on dates with you — a soiree of some sort — as besties. I know taking pictures isn’t your forte, but imagine how we would freeze time with our awkward smiles and lopsided poses for shy girls.
I want us to binge on your favourite snacks, stuffing our faces with every last crumb. Watching as you try something new and complain bitterly about false advertising and overpriced unnecessaries, or sandwich a compliment between mouthful sighs to water down the aspersions.
I want us to have sleepovers, comparing notes about past lovers, but eventually taking their sides and remembering only the good because we’re soft-hearted hard guys. I love our laughable combination of twisting and writhing we call dancing to loud evergreen songs. And doing it all while we’d sing wrong lyrics aloud without a care in the world.
Wunmi, I want to dance with you, then slowly slip away and watch you dance alone, smiling ear-to-ear with a tear in my eye upon the realisation that I’ve struck gold by being friends with you.
Complete happiness might not be realistic in this cracked-up world, so I pray for you to have complete contentment and a loving spouse who adores you. Anything less would be unacceptable.
I love you so much, and I hope life smiles broadly at you in every aspect you need and more. Let’s always be in each other’s lives.
Ifẹ ti Emi ko yẹ ni ohun ti o fun mi. O ti fẹràn mi lainidi.
Thanks for loving me, my friend.
Your nonchalant sunshine,
Timah
We have three more slots for Letters #ToHER before it officially comes to an end. If you’d like to write a letter #ToHER, click here to tell us why
We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: Onyinye, a woman who expects her best friend’s child to be named after her
To: Toyosi, the best friend who makes their friendship as refreshing as cold garri
Dear Toyosi,
You weird beautiful girl. First, I want to say you’re as amazing as you’re beautiful. I thank God every day for what we have, this friendship. It’s sweeter than honey and as refreshing as cold garri on a hot day. Maybe that’s why I’m writing — because I want you to see a written form of my love for you.
Do you even remember our story? Because I don’t, honestly. It’s like we’ve known each other forever. How we started talking because of a gossip you were caught up in, there’s the part of having a lot in common — missing fathers, first daughters who carry a lot of burden on their shoulders, a love for God and food — little wonder we connected so well.
Most times, I remember how you make me feel more than what you say. Like when we get bored, and I keep my head on the table while you run your hands through my hair until I sleep off. That’s one thing I love about you, you’re intentional about our friendship and how you love me. Running your hands through my hair made me feel like I was home. I felt so at peace. Honestly, I think that was how I started trusting you without a second thought.
Thanks babes for always trying to get me to go out and try new things, not only when it comes to life, but also when it comes to our love for God. Let’s not forget that if you didn’t drag me out, I wouldn’t have all my fine fine Instagram pictures.
Toyosi, you’re a very weird child. Who on earth invites someone to their house for the first time and gives them cold garri and milk? Who decides to teach a girl how to put on make-up just because they’re friends? Who takes in a friend they’ve known for a short time just because life is happening to that friend? You. You’re weird, sweet, and I love it.
I often ask you why we’re friends. You absolutely don’t benefit from this relationship like I do. Yet, you tell me every time that you love me. You always show up when I’m in my ghost mode. Nagode.
I know I always tell you you’re sweet, nice and gorgeous, but you should know you’re also strong and amazing.
Babes, our dreams, they’ll come true someday. We’ll travel around the world, and I’ll watch you take all those stupid rollercoaster rides while I take pictures because no be me you go kill.
But till then, as we hustle remember, I love you best, girl. I love you when you’re at your lowest and when you’re at your strongest.
As a closing remark, kindly make money abeg. I’m tired of working. And please, do and find a man, so you can name your child Onyinye too. And I’ll name mine Toyosi.
With lots of love,
From your weird bestie
If you’d like to write a letter #ToHER, click here to tell us why
We bring to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: the woman who lowkey misses her university bestie
To: Leila, the bestie she lost over a breakup
I’m writing this on a plane. I’m finally leaving the trenches called Nigeria, and I wanted to say goodbye. We never really got a chance to see each other again since we finished school in 2019. And I want to finally be honest about how I’ve felt over the years. I’m going to be in a different country, so what’s the worst that can happen?
If I’m being honest, we weren’t meant to be friends. Becoming so close happened by chance because if my friend, Caleb, hadn’t been crushing on you in our first year of uni, I probably wouldn’t have noticed we were in the same class. We were over a 100, so don’t blame me. Caleb was like a best friend to me, so when you both started dating at the end of our first year, you became my friend by proxy. I didn’t have a choice.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved you for all the reasons Caleb loved you and probably more. You were goofy, sweet, and you could relate to my obsession with TheVampire Diaries. But even with those cute things I loved about you, our arguments made it difficult to keep being friends.
When people say three is a crowd, I completely understand what they mean now. I lived it for the remaining four years of uni. First, you hated seeing me and Caleb study without you. Then, you hated him cooking for the both of us. Our arguments escalated to Caleb not treating you the same way as me. I had to take a step back at that point. There was way too much drama over one boy.
You tried to reconnect in our third year to “experience our friendship outside of me being Caleb’s friend”, in your own words. I was down for that. We slept over at each other’s hostels, did assignments together and planned every birthday together since we were born a day apart. I’d forgotten Caleb was supposed to be my best friend by our fourth year. Everything in my life was suddenly happening with you. So when you broke up after university, I didn’t expect it to affect us, especially after I gave up that friendship for you.
But you completely shut down like I couldn’t be the friend you needed. I left messages and called; I tried everything I could to help. At some point, I had to give you the space you were silently asking for. I missed you a lot. A year went by and you didn’t even try to call me. There were so many transitions happening in my life, and I didn’t have anyone to share them with. So I didn’t feel guilty when Caleb and I became close again. You’d made your decision to be a ghost, and I accepted that.
It’s been three years since the breakup, and now, we’re saying “hellos” and “his” like the last three years didn’t happen. It’s infuriating to act like we didn’t call each other sisters at some point, Leila.
I wish a guy didn’t have so much power over our connection. Now that I’m moving away, I think it’s important to remind you that I’ll probably always love you. The shallowness our friendship has reached doesn’t change the love we shared as friends in university.
Last week, we published a post that tells you why you might be your sibling’s bestie. This quiz would let you know for sure if you are your sibling’s best friend.
Take the quiz:
Questions
This is a question
Select All That Apply To You:
You got #{score}⁄#{total}
Ah, it’s like you’re a wicked person and your sibling is scared of you. Change that behaviour today.
You got #{score}⁄#{total}
You’re not there yet but you could be, if you want to
You got #{score}⁄#{total}
Call your sibling today and tell them how much you love them, in fact, send them money too. You might not know it, but they really rate you!
In March, we’re bringing to you letters written by women to women they love, miss, cherish or just remember. To celebrate the support women continue to show each other, this is #ToHER.
From: The woman that’ll never admit she has a best friend
To: Tega, the best friend turned flatmate
Dear Tega,
I tell anyone who cares to listen, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve never had someone that cares about me as much as you do. You ask me genuine questions about my life and what I’m going through. It makes me grateful for you.
I cherish the day we met. It’s been eight years since I walked into my first lecture in uni and found you. I wasn’t expecting to find much; I was even ready to be the odd girl in class people made fun of for her accent and name, which had happened through school since I moved to Lagos at four years old Village girl, was the name that haunted me until I finished secondary school.
Inside, I wanted to finally have real friends. Friends that didn’t tease me about things I couldn’t change about myself. Honestly, I was fine with just one — a best friend, and I met you.
I watched you pull out the seat next to me and turn to say a high-pitched hello. You were the epitome of ajebota. The by-force American accent, your fancy boots with the gold chain, and your chubby cute cheeks. Oh! That purple braids you had on was everything. Thirty minutes into sitting beside each other and you had asked me about fifty questions. Where did I live? Did I stay on campus? Why did I pick Urban and Regional Planning? Whenever my answers were vague, you dug deeper. I had never felt so seen, but I was stressed.
You tried to give me a little bit of yourself so I’d feel comfortable. “I live in Abuja and I stay at Honours hall,” you said. Then continued questioning me for most of the day. We talked about how we hated our course and the series of unfortunate events that led us there. We went for lunch together, walked back to my hostel together. Letting you in was so easy.
I’m writing this letter to you because I can’t think of anyone I’ve had more genuine moments with. From talking about the dumb boys we met — thank you for not judging me when I told you about the boy that hurt me. To being there for me even when I went back to him. Tega, thank you for letting me know I was strong enough to leave.
Even when we were done with school, and you moved back to Abuja, distance didn’t change your endless inquiries about my life. Yes, there were weeks we didn’t talk, but all we needed was one phone call or voice note. Thank you for pushing past the distance between us. You were miles away, but I never felt alone, Thank you for the days you forced me to get out of bed and chase dreams I thought were impossible. I’m so proud of everything you’ve fought for. I’m so proud of how you believe in yourself. Thank you for making me believe in myself too.
I admit when you decided to come back to Lagos, I had mixed feelings. First, I was happy I could easily see you again. The worry came when you asked us to live together. I was worried you’d see parts of me you couldn’t accept. The late nights, the partying, the drinking. I thought you’d hate the person I had become. Well, It’s been four months, and we’ve had a few drunk nights, so I’d say there are parts new parts about you I’ve gotten to see and love. Thank you for making our one-bedroom flat feel like a home. Thank you for accepting all the parts of me that changed.
I never imagined sharing a home with you, babe. It was a weird decision for me, but the truth is, I love it. There is no one else I would rather want to live with. Forget all my hard guy; you’re my girl for life
Ps: I’ll never admit loving you to your face and I’ll deny writing this letter.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio : We Were Best Friends In Secondary School, Now We’re Married
Teslim*, 28, and Chibuzo*, 29 dated for four years and have been married for three. Today on Love Life, they talk about transitioning from secondary school best friends to lovers, starting their tech careers together and how they struggled with long distances before marriage.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Chibuzo: My earliest memory of him was in secondary school. He joined our set in JSS 2, and we were seatmates. I didn’t really see him until an award ceremony our school organised. He was called up for a prize on stage, and I remember thinking, “This person is smart while I’m sitting here looking at him.” This was in 2004.
Teslim: My first memory is different. Our parents knew each other and one Sunday, we were invited to a function at her house.
Chibuzo: It was my uncle’s wedding.
Teslim: I came with my family and was in the car. When she saw me, she turned and ran in the opposite direction.
Chibuzo: Because I wasn’t dressed.
Teslim: I was shy myself, so it was funny to me. When we went back to school, I teased her about it and that’s how we started talking.
Chibuzo: He also teased me about the way I pronounce the word “purse” — he thought it was funny. We joked around a lot, and as time passed, we became closer. By SS 3, we were best friends.
Did you guys have feelings for each other by then?
Teslim: We were dating other people at the time. She was in a long term relationship that lasted almost six years, and I was also dating someone else. So there wasn’t any romantic vibe.
Chibuzo: We would have deep conversations about family, school, but a lot of it was just banter and lots of laughs at each other’s expense — mostly mine, LOL. Our connection was easy, so after high school, we stayed in touch.
Teslim: We graduated in 2009. She went to Canada for school, and I stayed back in Nigeria. We spoke to each other on and off until 2014 when we started dating.
Hollup, how did that happen?
Chibuzo: We used to chat on Facebook then we moved to BBM in 2011.
Teslim: We also sent each other a lot of emails. In the emails, we talked about school, family and stuff. I used to keep her updated on who I liked at the time and she would do the same.
Chibuzo: Phone calls were difficult because we were in different time zones, so we relied on emails. It got to a point that I looked forward to telling him about my day via email. As time passed, our energy grew romantic. In the Christmas of 2013, Teslim was going through some family stuff and we emailed through it. Slowly, we got closer and started telling each other “I love you”, but in a friendly way.
Teslim: The first time I told you I love you in a romantic way, you ended the call.
Chibuzo: No, I mistakenly dropped the phone and the call went off.
Teslim: Well, it felt like what happened in secondary school when I saw her in her house.
Chibuzo: LOL. We said “I love you” more often after that, but I wasn’t sure we were dating. We were exclusive, but we hadn’t made it official.
Teslim: I think at some point, we were at different stages of the friendship. I was about to move to the US for school and she was in Canada. In my head, I was wondering if a long-distance relationship with her would work.
Teslim: I wasn’t there yet. I didn’t understand how we were going to make it work because keeping in touch was already a hassle. Dating her meant I could lose my best friend if we didn’t work out.
Chibuzo: Meanwhile, I had told a few of my friends that I was going to marry my best friend.
Teslim: She was convinced we could make it work. I decided in January 2014 that I didn’t want to pass up on the opportunity to be with her because of distance. Besides, I was moving to the US, so the time difference was going to be better. We could visit each other as opposed to waiting for about two years to spend time together.
What happened next?
Chibuzo: I visited him in the US twice that year. I was grateful for the freedom to finally be with him in person. I was 22 at the time. We were happy to spend time together. You know how in movies on TV, couples go out on dates at fancy restaurants or a park and all that stuff. I had never experienced that before dating Teslim. 2014 was a good year for us.
Teslim: 2014 was our honeymoon year. We are both from strict homes, so it was truly a gift that we could see each other outside curfews and consistent calls from our parents. We travelled to New York together. We were over the moon.
Chibuzo: It was the year we confirmed that we were going to be with each other for a long time.We call it our confirmation year.
Teslim: Yeah, but as time went on, we realised that just because we were friends didn’t mean that we are aligned in every aspect of life. We struggled with communication for a while. We also had to figure out each other’s ideals and values and reconcile them. We had many fights and conversations because we started to see the differences in our personalities.
Chibuzo is a spontaneous person, and I am rigid. Whenever we were planning stuff together, we would often fight because we have different planning styles. Thankfully, being friends made it a bit easier to confront those hard conversations.
Chibuzo: We would often joke about the stuff we needed to talk about as opposed to blurting it out in anger. Our friendship helped us have difficult conversations.
Teslim: Also, conversations over the phone and conversations in person are different. In 2015, we were trying to tackle hard issues over the phone, and it was difficult because of the lack of nuance of body language or tone. I would say something and she wouldn’t get how I said it because a lot of nuance got lost over video calls.
Chibuzo: In our roughest patch, we argued almost every weekend. A lot of our fights came from the conversations we had about our future. It was crazy. I had just graduated and was trying to figure out what to do with my life. My parents were pressuring me to come back to Nigeria and do NYSC. Teslim told me that if I went back, our relationship would suffer.
I decided to stay and wait for a work permit.
Teslim: I was scared of what would happen to us if she went back. That Nigeria-Canada long distance was brutal, and I wasn’t about to put myself through it again. What would our conversations be like with not just distance but different time zones? I was determined to make it work.
How did you convince her to stay?
Teslim: I used part of my pocket-money to pay her rent. That was one way I would show her I was committed to us. We also had to decide as a unit what we wanted to do with our future. Chibuzo studied geology, and the oil industry wasn’t booming anymore so we weren’t sure of job prospects in that career path. During this time, I had just gotten a product design job, so I asked if she would like to study software engineering. I thought she had the mind for it. She was a bit hesitant, but I told her we’d do it together.
Chibuzo: That made learning it easier. In the beginning, we worked on a lot of stuff together as a team.
Teslim: It was also challenging because we have different working styles. I would try to hold her accountable to her learning with deadlines and some structure, but she was more like it will get done when it gets done. We even started fighting about it. But we figured it out.
So when did marriage come in?
Chibuzo: 2016. I was on track to becoming a permanent Canadian resident, and Teslim got a job at a big tech company. We had to talk about the next step.
Teslim: Before then, we had already hinted to each other that we were going to get married. We talked about what that would look like and how many kids we wanted. When we decided to get married, we started thinking of where we wanted to live. We decided that she would move to the US. We tried applying for jobs, and when that wasn’t happening fast enough, we thought, why not get married now?
Chibuzo: I knew I wanted to marry him, but I wasn’t in a hurry. However, getting married would speed up the immigration process and our relationship could stop being long-distance, so we decided to do it.
Tell me about the wedding!
Teslim: We were both the first people to get married in our families, so it was a big deal. We had to figure out how to set boundaries on the things that were important to us but also make them feel connected and part of the process. It was interesting because we were planning with our families over the phone.
Chibuzo: Left to us, we would have had a small wedding with a few family members and friends, but our families wanted a big wedding. We ended up doing both. We got married legally in Canada in 2018 then had a bigger wedding in Lagos.
Aw. What has marriage been like for you two?
Chibuzo: Being married to Teslim has been great so far! I have become a much better version of myself just from our partnership. He is a goal-oriented person and that has rubbed off on me. I see myself setting goals and smashing them. He has been consistent in how he shows up for me and for himself. This gives me the confidence to navigate the world knowing that he is there for me.
Teslim: I could say the same about her. We complement each other. I always want to make sure she gets the very best out of everything, and she makes it easy. When we disagree these days, we understand it’s not an opportunity to put one person down but to grow together as a unit. I wasn’t a good communicator before we started dating, but that changed. We are able to show up for each other every time, and that’s the best part of our relationship.
What was your biggest fight about and how did you navigate it?
Teslim: While we were setting our expectations for our marriage, one of the things we talked about was whether or not she would be keeping her last name. She wanted to keep it to maintain a sense of connection to her family. Family is important to her.
Chibuzo: Also, it is a huge part of my identity, and I didn’t want to give it up.
Teslim: I come from a traditional home, so it was a tough conversation to have initially, especially because we had agreed to the name change before the wedding and she changed her mind afterwards. It took a while for me to get to the point where I understood her perspective and how deeply coupled her name and identity are. I asked myself why I needed her to when I knew I wouldn’t change mine for anyone. When you also research the history and reasons why women change their names, it just didn’t align with the kind of values we wanted our marriage to uphold.
Deep down, the Nigerian man in me was slightly disappointed with her decision, but I got over it.
Chibuzo: At some point, he thought I was rejecting his family by not taking his last name. I asked if he was rejecting my family by not taking mine.
Teslim: One concern I had was what would we name our kids.
Chibuzo: We decided that their last name would be Teslim’s last name and their middle names would be my last name. We chose this in case we had a girl child who would want to keep her family name as well.
Nice. What have you learned from each other over the years?
Chibuzo: Teslim always follows through with what he says he will do, and that’s something I have learned from him. I had the tendency to be flaky and it’s something I am still working on.
In September 2020, I got diagnosed with ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). My sister noticed that I was trying to do too many things at once and jokingly said, “Are you sure you don’t have ADHD?” I had heard about it, but after she said it, I went to do some research. Almost all the symptoms listed applied to me. I felt seen. Some days later, I went to see a doctor. The diagnosis explained a lot of my behaviours. For example, having the motivation to start something but not wanting to finish it and then I have to deal with the guilt.
Teslim also helps me be more organised. I am an impulsive person and that’s one way I complement him — I have added more spontaneity to his life, the same way he added more structure to mine. That way, we are able to cover each other’s blind spots.
Teslim: It is hard to quantify how much Chibuzo brings to my life. She is a joyful and kind person and that rubs off on me. My life is pretty stable in the sense that I don’t have peaks of joys and valleys of sadness, but she brings some color into my life. I love that our differing perspectives balance each other out. For example, Chibuzo will spend a little more money to improve our quality of life while I prefer to save every single penny. That balances out and leaves us in a healthy spot.
She is also one of the reasons why I was able to break into tech. We built my portfolio together — I would design the product and she would do the code. With time, I got my job, then we did the same for her. I don’t think I would have been able to advance as much as I have if she wasn’t in my life. It helped to have someone smarter than I am around me. She is amazing all round, to be honest.
Rate the relationship on a scale of 1 to 10.
Chibuzo: 9.5. I’m so happy with him. Yes, we have our differences, but we can always talk through them. I feel content with him and our relationship.
Teslim: I was going to say 5.
Chibuzo: 5? Open the door and walk out.
Teslim: LOL. It’s 9.5 for me. I’m happy with us and where we are. Maybe if you asked me when we were fighting, I might rate a 6. Right now, we are in a place where our goals are aligned and we trust each other.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Chika, 30, and Esther, 28, started off as platonic friends. Nine years into their friendship, Esther realised she had fallen in love, but Chika hadn’t. Today on Love Life, they discuss moving from friends to best friends, and now a married couple who are “joined at the hip”.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Esther: That would be at a send forth for a church member. I’m pretty sure we met before then, but nobody seems to remember. If I’m not mistaken, I was 16 and Chika was probably 18 or 19.
Chika: It was at a send forth organised for a church member who was about to japa. I can’t remember a specific date, but I know it wasn’t the first time I was seeing her. I’d met her before then, but at that send-forth, we danced and it sparked something.
Esther: It did not spark anything jor. You were just one of the fine boys in the neighbouring congregations. Nothing serious, at least for me.
I noticed him in the church, we danced together, and somehow we became friends. I wasn’t interested in anything else. I was too busy crushing on the brother of the lady whose send forth we were there for.
LMAO. How did things progress?
Chika: We became friends. We didn’t live too far apart, so I would visit her. I think she visited once, while I was in my mom’s shop helping her sell. But I did most of the visiting. We were young — I can’t remember how old — so it was all very platonic.
Esther: A lot of our meetings happened at the shop. It was at his mum’s shop that he introduced me to poetry. I remember that day. He said, “Let me show you something I wrote.”
I fell in love with his poetry.
His poetry and not him?
Esther: LMAO no, not him. He was still just my very cute best friend.
Chika: And I still saw her as a friend too. But I guess I must have been crushing on her slightly because while her house was close, it wasn’t that close. To make the journey as frequently as I did in those days, there must have been something more than friendship driving me.
Esther: Oh yes, my house wasn’t close at all.
Chika: I think I also had a love interest in those days, so Esther wasn’t in the picture in terms of romance.
Esther: Oh you definitely had a love interest. And you were always talking about her.
He even said we had to meet.
Well, you also said you had a crush on someone else…
Esther: LMAO actually I had even moved from my crush on the brother of the person being sent forth. In fact, I think I was moving from one crush to another. We were teenagers, so that explains a lot.
So when did you two become aware that you had feelings for each other?
Chika: 9 years later.
Esther: 9 years for me, a bit later for him.
Chika: SMH. Oya 9 years and 6 months for me.
How did that happen?
Esther: Well, I was the first to realise I was in love and I didn’t waste any time letting him know how I felt. I mean, I had always loved him as a friend, and now I had fallen in love with him. It seemed so perfect and so I wanted more. But Oga wasn’t there yet and kept saying he probably wasn’t going to get there because he didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
Chika: I have no comments.
Is this code for “there was someone else in the picture”?
Esther: *coughs*
Chika: LMAO okay, okay. I had just gotten out of a relationship. Also, I didn’t think I was relationship material and I wasn’t ready to lose my best friend in the process of trying.
Did I mention that we were living together at this point?
Sorry?
Chika: Yes. She had just finished NYSC. By then, we had moved from friends to best friends and we dated other people.
But we always kept in touch. Phone calls, messages, and we also tried to see each other when we could. It was rare though, and it required deliberate effort. You know, being in different universities and all of that.
Esther: He was the first person I would see whenever I entered Lagos. Even before seeing anybody else.
Chika: As per bestie. Then after youth service, she came back to Lagos and would visit often. But then she got a job on the island. I lived close to the job location, so we ended up staying together.
Tell me, Esther, how did you feel staying in the same apartment with someone you had feelings for but who didn’t feel the same about you?
Esther: It was tough, especially because he was extra kind to me and I just couldn’t see us not being together. He would call me all day at work and we would chat in between. Though he wouldn’t admit this, he checked up on me more than he ordinarily. And then when I pointed out that his behaviour towards me was different, in a good way, he’d say that it wasn’t as a result of feelings.
That pissed me off a lot. And then there was the phase where he wasn’t exactly over his ex. So she would come around and I’d have to leave. It was so annoying.
Chika: In my defense, I wasn’t sure and I wanted to be sure. We were living together and I knew it was inevitable, but I was also scared of it not being a conscious choice.
So when did you become sure?
Chika: I travelled to Kaduna for a festival, and it struck me how much sleeping on a bed she wasn’t in was not something I wanted to do. So I came back and asked her to be my girlfriend.
I told her what I had come to realise during my trip and that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She felt it was too much of a roundabout turn and was asking questions like what changed? I tried to answer. She said she would think about it.
Esther: I’d just decided that I’d roll with his lack of feelings until he was ready and if I could move on, I would.
And then all of a sudden, this uncle comes back from Kaduna and starts saying nonsense about how he can’t live without me.
Chika: After I told her, her response was that she would think about it. She thought about it for all of 30 minutes.
Esther: Well there wasn’t much to think about. My feelings were pretty clear from the onset. You were the confused one. Although a part of me felt like torturing him a bit. Just saying no for the fun of it and making him sweat small. But of course, the whole torture lasted just 30 minutes.
In our next lives, I will show him pepper.
Ah, small small plis.
Chika: After that, it was smooth sailing. I think a part of me knew the girlfriend part was just to go through the proper route. That this was the person I wanted to marry. I can’t say “spend the rest of my life with”, because even without marriage, we are joined at the hip forever. So yeah, we dated, and six or seven months later, we decided to get married.
We got a hotel next to the Ikoyi registry. It almost felt like we were over-prepared for the wedding and the marriage. I had never been surer of anything in my life. I just felt lucky to be marrying my best friend.
Esther: We had two weddings: court and traditional, but the court wedding was it for me. Maybe because it was everything we wanted. No family intervention, no religion involved. And then there was the photoshoot after, it was amazing. Chika looked absolutely handsome. I was smitten.
Aww. How has married life been?
Chika: It’s very hard to explain, but e sweet die. For me, I like the fact the ordinary things of life become more enjoyable when I do them with her. Seeing a movie, eating food, lying down, gisting about the day, gossiping about people — everything just takes on a new colour with her.
Oh and we are also forming our own traditions: shawarma night, movie night, anniversaries, birthdays. A collection of small holidays designed specially for us and by us.
Esther:Married life has been beautiful. There’s something about waking up every day next to the love of your life and knowing that you get to do life with them and that you have a long time to experience life together. That’s a special kind of beautiful, and I am so glad to live in it.
What’s the best part about being married to each other?
Chika: Just knowing that I am home with my person. That’s the best part of it for me.
Esther: Honestly? I don’t know what the best part is. There are too many parts that feel like the best. Just when I think I have unlocked one layer, there is another layer waiting to be discovered and enjoyed.
Being with Chika is like being with another version of myself. We’re different, yet so alike in many ways. We have the same ideologies. We’re both somewhat introverted, so on a good day we’ll pick staying indoors and seeing a movie over going out. I’m not a very social person, so just having Chika around to do everything with is great.
What do you love most about each other?
Chika: For me, it’s her kindness, genuineness, and how she cares for me. I am certain of how she feels, and that certainty is like an anchor.
Esther: His heart. Chika is so kind to me. He regularly checks up on me, and on days when I’m extremely busy at work, he makes me breakfast, lunch, and dinner and serves me at my table. During exams, he buys me snacks that I can chew on when reading, chases the cats away so they don’t disturb me, and this support goes a long way to make the studying process easier. He pays attention to my mood too and shows up with ice cream when I’m sad. It’s little, but it goes a long way.
And this kindness is not restricted to me alone. Chika goes out of his way to help people. He’s always willing to help ease whatever is bothering my friends; when he is with his friends, I watch him and I am awed by how he always comes through for them. Daily, I am astonished by how easily kindness comes to him. I’m usually amazed because I’m not sure I can be that kind. Honestly. I am always ready to tear shirt oh, don’t mind him.
Are there things you don’t like about each other?
Chika: She likes saying I told you so.
Esther: LMAO but I am always right, and you don’t listen.
Chika: If my wife tells you something and you don’t do it and it now happens as she said it, she will not leave it oh.
Esther: But it almost always happens as I say it, no?
Chika: Anyway, I think our arguments and fights always lead to a deeper understanding for me.
Esther: See ehn, I think I’d like him to listen more. Chika get coconut head. E no dey hear word. But to tell the truth, even when he’s being a goat, my mind still tells me, “But you love this goat.”
Do you have any approach to de-escalating arguments and fights?
Chika: In the early days, I would get angry and throw words meant to hurt. But she has taught me that we are not fighting each other or we shouldn’t be. So these days, I focus on listening to her when disagreements occur and focus on mending things. I have also learned to listen and change even when I don’t agree immediately. I have had to learn this from her.
Esther: I also used to throw words too and would flare up easily, but I’ve had to learn to take a breather and then come back to discuss the issue when I’m calm. Another thing I’ve learned is to not expect immediate change. Before, I used to expect that he’d just conform to whatever I said, but now I have# learned to give it time and look out for the greys because change isn’t always from black to white. I look out for the little ways that he’s trying to improve and focus on that.
How would you rate the relationship?
Chika: Sweet die.
Esther: Ugh, this man. I don’t think we’re on the scale though LMAO. Over time, we have learned that we can’t rate our relationship. We can only rate moments. And right now I’d say we’re operating at a 10.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Few things are messier than catching feelings for your best friend. While it’s possible they feel the same way about you, it’s highly unlikely, and you end up with a broken heart and a friendship that never quite feels the same.
So, as someone who likes messiness, I asked a few Nigerians to share stories about falling in love with their best friends, and the experiences ranged from surprisingly adorable to painfully tragic.
Amy, 29
My best friend and I have known each other for over 15 years. People have always teased us about dating, but I just couldn’t see it. Then one day, I looked at him and realised I was attracted to him. The next thing I knew, I fell fast and hard. I actually thought I was losing my mind.
He had been in a relationship for years, so I didn’t want to say anything, but after like six months, I blurted it out. He seemed shocked and confused. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but he obviously mentioned his girlfriend. I told him he had to reject me outright, so the shame would snap me out of it.
I didn’t speak to him for months in an attempt to get over him, which was really hard because our lives are very interwoven. We randomly started speaking again, and there was no awkwardness. It’s been over two years since the big reveal, and while it comes up in passing from time to time, that’s about it. We’re good and back to normal.
Ehi, 27
We’ve been friends for over 10 years, and we do almost everything together. Even friends and family keep asking why we’re not dating. So, I finally decided to shoot my shot. I guess he didn’t want me to feel rejected, so he said he has issues with commitment, but I shouldn’t reject him if he ever comes back in the future for a relationship.
I cried for days because I realised how much I love him, but I had to accept my reality. It’s been hard remaining friends with him, but I have to constantly remind myself that he doesn’t feel the same, and it’s fine. I had to mute him on all my social media accounts because I can’t stand his interactions with women I know he’s sleeping with. Still, I show up whenever he needs me.
James, 26
We’ve been best friends for 5 years. He is the first person I told I was gay, and although he is straight, he was kind and supportive. I guess that’s one of the reasons I fell in love with him. A part of me knew he was just being nice whenever he complimented me, hugged me tightly or joked about how any guy would be lucky to have me, but I let myself believe he might feel the same way.
I eventually told him how I felt, and even though he let me down as nicely as he could have, it still broke my heart into a million pieces. He has been trying his best to make the friendship go back to normal, but it’s just too hard for me. It hurts so much. I hope I can move past this because I miss my best friend.
Esther, 27
We were friends in secondary school, l but I left in JSS 2. We met up again at university and became very close, very fast. The tension was there, but he was a “big boy” in school, and I hated attention, so I just stayed in my lane.
Fast forward to our second year, and I knew I had feelings for him, but I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way — he is a hard man to read. I eventually found the courage to tell him, and he was very mean about it. He said I had zoned him, so he didn’t understand what I was talking about.
I took my L and was very sad for a bit. We didn’t talk much after that. A few weeks later, he came to apologise for how he handled it. He said used to like me but had to stop when I started calling him my best friend.
We agreed that it wasn’t meant to be and decided to remain friends. It was very awkward at first because he started dating someone I knew, and I felt a little jealous, but it slowly became less awkward when I started dating someone too. We’re still friends, but it never went back to the way it was.
Chima, 23
We were seeking admission together, so we were in constant communication. That made the feelings I had held back in secondary school start bubbling back up. Even though we were now really close friends, I decided I was going to tell her how I felt.
So, we went on a walk one day, and I asked her, “Would you date your best or very close friend?” She first laughed out loud for like five minutes straight, then she said, “Why not?” In my mind, I was hailing myself for being a sharp guy.
A few days later, I went to her house and told her how I felt. She laughed and said she’d liked me since secondary school, but I always preferred her friends. She said it was too late for us to date because we are now too close. It hurt for a while, but we are now closer friends than ever.
Dami, 30
We were both in relationships at the time, but there had always been tension underneath our friendship. One day, we went for a party at a friend’s place, and while we were talking, he asked me, “Is this it? Is your boyfriend your last bus stop?” and I was like, “Yeah, he is. Unless you wanted to do something about it.”
Then I just word vomited how much I loved him and how this was the last time I was willing to lay it bare. He was like, “I love you a lot but not in the way you need me to”. I thought I was going to die. We ended up having sex in my friend’s bathroom and sort of moved past it. It was like breakup sex for a relationship that never was.
I’m really happy he turned me down because It would have ruined a really good friendship. It’s been three years, and while we still love each other a lot, we’re not in love with each other.
Nigerian women are always suspicious when their men have female best friends. Maybe it’s because they know the things they do with their own male best friends (Don’t quote me sha). I think women should be more open to the idea of female best friends for their men. Read on for all the benefits of your man having a female best friend.
1. She’ll help him choose dresses and weaves for you
Your man would be able to pick the best things for your birthday because his best friend is advising him. She can even try them on before he buys them for you.
2. She’ll provide you with support
Suppose you’re tired and don’t feel like cuddling. His female best friend can come through for both of you and cuddle him while you rest. Win-win.
3. Teach him how to treat women better
Since she’s less emotionally invested, he would learn how to treat a woman, which he’ll practice on her and do to you. Best deal.
4. Advice him when you fight
Who else would advise him properly in emotional matters than another woman?
5. Advice him not to cheat
Because she’s close to him, she’ll know when he’s about to cheat and advice him against it. May we not fall into temptation.
