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The next time artists have a score to settle with each other, instead of posting long, subliminal insults on social media or making diss tracks, they should try these more interesting, quicker methods.
Call first
Consider a call to iron things out in-house before doing your dirty laundry outside.
Pray like a warrior
Pray for the heart of your opp to be softened. Or copy Elijah and invite your opp to an open space then loudly pray, “Send down fire!” For this to work, you must be a child of God. If you’re not, see the next option.
Impersonate each other
If like Prettyboy D-O and OdumoduBlvck, comparison is the reason for your beef, this is for you. Swap lives for a day or two and adopt each other’s style. Go to each other’s studio sessions, attend each other’s shows and interviews. The best impersonator is the fraud because why can you impersonate your opp so effortlessly if you weren’t trying to be like them already?
Go on an ultimate search
The beefing artists should just embark on a treasure hunt to confirm who’s the winner of the beef.
“Verzuz”
Get fans from both sides in a large space, perform your best music and see who reigns supreme.
Mouth wash
Has it occured to you that the reason one person moves like they’ll punch their opp in the mouth is because someone’s talking actual shit? To settle scores, do an oral test. The person with the worst mouth odour loses the beef.
A dambe match
Fix a boxing match to knock out your beef in the Hausa martial art style. The man standing over the knocked-out guy wins the beef. We recommend the hard ground under Ojuelegba bridge as a suitable venue.
Source: Leadership News
“Old West” style
Invite your opp to the outskirts of town, then attach a revolver and holster to your waists. Play a song like Davido’s Fem, and as soon as it ends, whoever draws their gun quicker lives wins.
These last three weeks on social media, we’ve seen an interesting back-and-forth between Nigerian street-pop musicians, Seyi Vibez and Portable, with Zinoleesky somewhere in the mix.
In these episodes, they get into a dick-measuring contest about who has the better music, biggest cars, most money and street credibility. You know, the usual beef topics; but do you know how it all started?
What started the fight?
2023 started hard, and it wasn’t hard to tell people were too frustrated for drama. But not for Portable, who anytime he turns his camera to himself, chooses “chaos”. On January 30, 2023, he posted some video on his IG page where he subtly called Seyi Vibez a beta version of Asake.
Using Seyi’s Chance music video as a point of comparison, Portable pointed out that it was an obvious play on Asake’s style. He didn’t stop there. He went ahead and accused the video director, TG Omori (director of most Asake MVs) of working with a copycat, then warned artists to leave music alone if they can’t be authentic.
In the aftermath, fans began to air their views about Seyi Vibez, supporting Portable, and even started a “who is better (Seyi vs Asake)?” poll.
While Seyi Vibez was giving Portablebaby the silent treatment, he was getting into a battle of words with Zinoleesky. How did that start? In December 2022, Zino posted his new house and two cars on IG. In May 2023, Seyi posted his own new crib and two rides too, sparking a debate among their fans, about who’s the better and richer musician. Before we knew it, the two artists were throwing subs.
Zino went off first:
Seyi Vibez called Zino a chained Django. This is Seyi’s way of saying he’s independent and has all his creative control unlike Zino who’s under a contract has to get his boss’ approval first before releasing a song.
And even reminded Zino that he doesn’t have chart-topping projects like his debut album, Billion Dollar Baby, its deluxe version and EP, Memory Card.
Then it turned into a snippet war.
Zinoleesky drops new snippet to continue sparring with Seyi Vibez. ⤵️
Zino said he’ll never have a number one record — then Seyi Vibez got his number one record with his single, Hat-trick, surpassing Young John’s Aquafina, Asake and Olamide’s Amapiano, and particularly, Zinoleesky’s A1.
Then, he dropped his first album of 2023: Vibez Till Thy Kingdom Come.
Two weeks after, Seyi Vibez released his second album of the year, Thy Kingdom Come.
On Flakky, the eighth track off the second album, he opened by talking about an artist’s car being pushed on the street just three days after purchase:
“G-Wagon, Brabus B
Ojo keta ni won pada ti Brabus B”
You know who has a Brabus B (even though he calls it a G-Wagon)?
“Your whole career is a debt,” Portable fired back.
With new music dropping left and centre these days, Nigerian artists are doing the most to grab our attention these days.
If you think fighting is extra, wait until you read some other ways Nigerian artists trick us into listening to their music.
Claim to be the best in the game so fans can argue
Wizkid has done it, Davido does it once in a while and Burna Boy does it every three to five business days. Claiming to be the best, knowing fully well that your career is built on autotune, is a sure way of attracting all the stan groups to come and defend their faves. By trying to insult and drag you, they’ll end up giving you the visibility you need.
Look for other artists to fight with because violence is sweet
If there are two things Nigerians like, it’s amebo. To capture our attention, you must combine both of them stylishly, and the only way to do that is to cause drama by fake fighting on the TL. From Victony and Omah Lay’s pretend fight to Buju and Ruger’s monthly fights, everyone is doing it. Get on board!
Pray and fast that a messy tweet from your past shows up so you can be temporarily cancelled
Cancelling has become one of the quickest ways to blow. The moment the internet decides to drag you like Tiger gen based on something you said or did, everyone starts trying to catch up with the gist. Before you know it, you’ve become a hashtag, and people start streaming your music either out of curiosity or spite. It doesn’t make sense, but I guess it is what it is.
Ask Korty if she has free time to gist with you
Korty recently said she’s the goat of YouTube, and if that whole African Giant thing worked for Burna Boy and got him a Grammy, then yes, sis, talk your shit! As the goat of YouTube and Gen Z content creation, Korty should also be on your “How to Blow” list. Make a video with her, pretend to be into some weird shit like cooking based on astrology, and watch the internet eat you up like plantain.
Visit the nearest MFM for anointing and night vigil
It doesn’t matter if your song is about how all power belongs to someone’s bum bum, you still need the support of the Holy Spirit for your song to blow. Remember, what God cannot do doesn’t exist. Find the nearest Bible-believing church and start kabashing ASAP!
Backflip and summersault until you come up with a viral dance move
Having a good song is important, but having viral TikTok dance is important-er. Argue with the Gen Zs who are running the world right now.
Post a chat screenshot of how you got a feature
Do you think getting people like Wizkid or Olamide on your song is easy? You have to tension everyone with screenshots of these icons telling you that you’re the next big thing. You need us to know you’re not on our level.
Post screenshots of your Apple Music and Spotify rankings
How else will people listen to your music if you don’t show them that other people are also listening to it? Quick maths, bro.
Post image or video of yourself in the studio
As an artist, you must remind everyone that the grind didn’t start today. Before dropping your album, a dimly lit studio picture or video filled with smoke everywhere is compulsory for the TL. The best caption that goes with this post? “Something is cooking *insert flame emoji*”
It could be because of the way you carry yourself or some unsubstantiated rumour they heard about you a while ago, but the chances that you have haters is super high. So, we’ve created a quiz that tells you the president of your haters association.
