1. It’s a cold night, I’m walking back and forth my parents room, wondering how to make this one request.

I wanted to go to a party! Not a birthday party or a family party or even a school party. I wanted to go to a club.

2. And that’s not the mad part,

I was 13.

3. The girls in school had been talking all week long about it, and when they invited me nko?

Waawu. First of all, I want to thank you all for this opportunity to mingle.

4. I eventually got the courage to ask my parents about going for my friend’s birthday, and they were like,

Waiiit, whatt?

5. I spent the entire night trying on clothes and dancing to Wizkid’s Superstar album

I’m ready to die on the line.

6. Fast forward to next day, what I planned to look like,

All hail the Queen.

7. After a long night, this is what I actually looked like

Yep. I showed up looking like a Rainbow.

8. I sat and watched as people danced, drank and smoked like

Wawu. All these people are going to Hell Fire.

9. And then I realised my friends probably abandoned me because I was boring.

Do I look like a clown? Am I crossing my leg too much? Am I smelling like soak-away? Damn you insecurity! Damn you!

10. I was like, you know what?

I’m out please.

11. Went out to get a cab and after waiting for a maximum of 5 seconds, I can say God strategically placed my parents passing by at the exact same time.

This is the day I died guys. This very day.

12. It was a silent ride home, and I was looking out the window like

Wow wow wow, is this how my life will end?

13. As we reached home, before I could fully understand anything, the first cane landed on my back

Kuku kill me dad. Kuku kill me.

14. Then suddenly suddenly, I fainted.

Come and see how everywhere scattered.

15. Bruh, I was just pretending

Everybody was praying and just pouring water unneccessarily.

16. That’s how they rushed me to hospital.

“My daughter stay with me!”

17. Next thing, what did my father tell the doctor, “Do pregnancy test.”

Waaaait, what?!

18. That’s how my fainting finished o

Like, daddy how did we go from fainting to pregnancy? How can I even get pregnant today today?

19. Last last, that beating that day is why I still don’t don’t enter clubs

Something about PTSD. Can’t be letting “Holler at your boy” trigger “I will kill you today.”

I wonder what else I don’t like because of the beating I received growing up.

20. So tell me, what’s that thing your parents beat out of you, and you still can’t do till date?