Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121
banter | Zikoko!

Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • 7 Easy Steps to Getting Over Football Heartbreak

    There are only a few things that hurt as much as seeing your team lose an important match. Aside from the pain of losing the game, the banter on Twitter will crush you further. As a lifelong Arsenal fan, I have tasted all forms of football humiliation you can think of, so I’m in a good position to tell you how to cope in these trying times. For your mental health, here is what to do after your team takes a giant L.

    1. Delete Twitter

    easy steps to get over a football heartbreak

    Just log out fam. The streets on Twitter are mean. Even if you unfollow all the sports pages on Twitter, one oloriburuku will retweet something that will hurt your feelings.

    2. Avoid all football-related news and websites

    For the next few days, avoid Bleacher Reports and Sky Sports news. Goal.com already has a screaming headline about how disgraceful your team’s performance was. Please, save yourself the mental breakdown.

    3. Blame the government

    We understand that you’re human and you need to let off steam somehow. Channel all the rage you feel after a stinging defeat to going online and challenging your leaders to do better. It will also be a good time to remember #EndSARS.

    4. Remember there’s more to life than football 

    Console yourself about how there’s more to life than football. You’re attractive, you have a partner and you have a job, unlike the people currently shamelessly trolling your club on social media. Even if you don’t have any of these things, focus on nature — see how the sun shines brilliantly on your neighbour’s roof and how the breeze whispers in your ears. Isn’t it amazing?.

    5. Remind yourself that your friends are good people 

    easy steps to get over a football heartbreak

    Your friends will surely relish the opportunity to rub it in. When they start bantering you, take a slow, deep breath and tell yourself: “It’s nothing serious. It’s just football. I know Okoro is my friend, and we’ve been friends for a long time and he loves me. It’s just football. It’s just football. He’s just teasing me. He loves me. There are more important things in this life.”

    Repeat this till you believe it. 

    6. Do yoga 

    easy steps to get over a football heartbreak

    Yes o. In order to achieve inner peace, take meditation seriously, especially on the very morning after your team has taken a big L. Arsenal and Manchester United fans may not need this anyway since they’re psychologically adjusted to disappointments every weekend.

    RELATED: The 6 Stages of Getting Dribbled in Football

    7.  Focus on work

    Channel all the heartbreak you feel into your work. Use the force of all that negative energy to shatter your KPIs. Footballers are going to get paid so why not just focus on your own work too? 

    Do all these things for one week and the whole world would have moved on by the time you’re back.

    Victor Daniel

    , , ,
  • 7 Ways Nigerian Men Can Reclaim Their Virginity

    If you’re a man, you definitely need to read this. Urgently.

    1) Tightening cream

    You know that virgin phallus has to be taut. That’s why you need to employ creams that’ll help you return it to its original virgin size so that you’ll not disgrace yourself in your wife’s house.

    2) Hot water bath

    Do this everyday for 2 months and your rod of navigation will be back to feeling brand new. Tear rubber brigade.

    3) Amnesia powder

    Blow this on all your sexual partners so they forget any history you guys had. No memory, no case. When you’re done, blow the powder on yourself so you can also forget. Wahla for who no get amnesia.

    4) Relocation

    Leave the area where you committed the debauchery and start anew. New location, new you.

    5) Penis enlargement surgery

    If there is a change in size, it means old things have passed way. You are now under a new regime.

    6) Penis reduction surgery

    Same as above.

    7) Prayer and fasting

    If all fails, my brothers, go to Shiloh and God will “hill” you.

    Hassan Yahaya

    , , ,
  • 10 Signs You’re The Wicked Person In Your Relationship

    If you relate to one or more of the points on this list, sku ski sku…

    1) You’re always begging your partner for food

    After refusing to order anything. Rinse and repeat.

    2) You sleep off on your partner

    The worst part is you keep promising to not sleep off. Yet…

    3) You don’t like P.D.A

    You don’t even like walking beside them in public.

    4) You dislike phone calls

    Always talking about being tired after work. Are you the first?

    5) You don’t post them on social media

    Why?

    6) You don’t like to cuddle

    Again. Pls why? Only wicked people behave like this.

    7) You don’t call them cute adorable names

    Like “terrorist” or “scorpion” for example

    8) You don’t buy them cute random gifts

    No thinking about you and got you this gift? Do better.

    9) Or send food to their office

    No anon got lunch for you? Do better.

    10) You don’t send random out of the blues “I love you” messages

    Problem. Problem. Another problem.

    [donation]

    Hassan Yahaya

    ,
  • QUIZ: How Much Of A Nigerian Father Are You?

    How much do you know your dad? How much do you behave like him?

    Pause. Take a minute to think about it.

    Interlude:

    Hello Zikoko fam, something is coming soon. A series for men by men about men.

    Watch this space by 12 pm on Sunday:

    Play.

    How do you think you’ll measure up? Click the options that apply to you and press “enter” when you’re done:

    How many of these do you do?

    Hassan Yahaya

    ,
    , , ,
  • You’re Not A Man If You Can’t Do These 11 Things

    Many people seem to have different ideas of what it means to be a man. Here’s our own addition to that list:

    1) If you can’t fight off armed robbers.

    Without any weapon.

    2) If you can’t kill a snake.

    Using only your hands.

    3) If you can’t cheat quietly.

    Why must you always confess to your partner? or get caught? Women that cheat quietly, do they have two heads?

    4) If you can’t repair the gen when it spoils.

    Get off it my dear.

    5) If you can’t hold your tears.

    Big boys don’t cry.

    6) If you can’t lift a bag of cement.

    You don’t want to work for your 2k at the site abi?

    7) If you also can’t carry a bag of rice.

    Read the above.

    8) You’re definitely not a man if you can’t read your babe’s mind.

    This is a life saving skill any real Nigerian man possesses.

    9) If you want gifts outside of singlets and boxers, you’re disqualified you from being a man.

    Real men take their gifts with a big smile.

    10) Did I hear skin care? Not a man.

    See your mouth like Vitamin C serum.

    11) If you don’t have a secret family, then you’re not a man.

    This is the final test before you graduate.

    Hello Zikoko fam, something is coming soon. A series for men by men about men.

    Watch this space:

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,
  • QUIZ: How Much Of A 30+ Stereotype Are You?

    Being 30+ is less about age and more about a state of being. So, regardless of how old you are, this quiz knows if you’re secretly 30+ on the inside.

    Tick all the options that apply to you and click on “continue” when you’re done to see your results.

    Goodluck!

    How many of these stereotypes do you exhibit?

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,
  • 12 Small Nigerian Behaviours That Non-Nigerians Don’t Understand

    Recently, I asked a couple of Nigerians to tell me behaviours that would confuse a non-Nigerian.

    Here’s a list of what they said:

    1) Praise and worship at work before starting the day.

    This behaviour is common among civil servants especially after they have kept you waiting for a hundred years.

    2) Binding and casting your house after your extended family members come visiting.

    Holy water a day keeps the demons away.

    3) Accepting food and pouring it away.

    Because your neighbours want to steal your destiny with Sallah meat or Christmas rice. Stay jiggy!

    4) Bribing someone for something and fervently praying over it.

    Faith without works eh?

    5) Not telling people before you travel.

    Only text them after safely arriving.

    6) Not sharing pregnancy news until you give birth.

    Repeat above.

    7) Not accepting things with the left hand.

    The left hand is disrespectful, period. Don’t ask why. Right hand good, left hand bad.

    8) Associating witches and wizards with your father’s side of the family.

    Even though they may be the mother’s side for someone else.

    9) Saying sorry even though you’re not the cause of a problem.

    If you don’t say ‘sorry’, how else will they know that you aren’t responsible for their misfortune? As a bonus, add a bit of display and shout the name of the God you believe in at least three times.

    10) Saying “it is well” especially when it is not well.

    Government: A dollar is now  ₦600.

    Nigerians: It is well.

    11) Leaving country development to God.

    Nobody:

    Nigerian politician: If God wills it, we’ll achieve vision 2020.

    12) Not eating your meat until you finish your food.

    Because people who ate their meat before finishing their food all grew up to be politicians thieves.

    Hassan Yahaya

    , , ,
  • 7 Money Habits Of Nigerians You Should Never Date

    If your partner exhibits one or more of these dating red flags, then you should definitely have a conversation with them.

    1) They are secretive about where their money goes.

    They are most likely funding jaapa plans without you. You have to be careful.

    2) They hide their debts from you.

    You have to be careful with these people because what else are they hiding from you? Another family?

    3) They can’t stick to a budget.

    Hmmm. Will they able to stick to a relationship? Long term?

    4) They try to control your money.

    These ones will try to control the relationship, red flag.

    5) They want you to quit your job because you earn more than them.

    Run!

    6) They buy more than two pieces of meat with their food.

    They are greedy, run.

    7) They participate in every giveaway.

    Every self-respecting person knows you should only beg for money two times in a month.

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,
  • The Comprehensive Guide To Flirting Like A Married Nigerian Man

    Welcome to this masterclass. Please take a seat and listen attentively. Here are a few tips to use to beat Nigerian men at their own game.

    1) Tell the person not to call you by a formal title.

    Emphasize that they call you by your first name because we are all “adults” here.

    2) Deny your wife and kids.

    Raise your voice and look hurt if it’s ever insinuated that you’re married.

    3) If you don’t deny your family, deflect every time the subject comes up.

    Special use: “It’s complicated. Can we talk about something else? Thinking about it makes me sad.”

    4) Sprinkle “I love you” in the conversation every 10 minutes.

    Go big or go home.

    5) Declare your love interest greater than any other commitment you have in life.

    Especially greater than the one you made to your family. Ready to risk it all beb.

    6) Say you wish you met her before meeting your wife.

    Make sure you swear by whatever you believe in.

    7) If all fails, beg and guilt trip.

    Example: “Is it a crime that I love you so much? Is it is a crime that I can’t control my feelings for you? And I even prayed about it.”

    Hassan Yahaya

    , , ,
  • A Crash Course On When To Faint Like A Nigerian Politician

    Let’s start from here:

    Nigerian politicians have a history of fainting at court hearings and getting away with their bad behavior. So, we the good people of Zikoko came up with scenarios where you can also get away with this tactic in your daily life.

    https://twitter.com/thestatewriter/status/1285187769430609920?s=20

    Here are a few:

    1) When your girlfriend catches you cheating.

    Action!

    Fainting man. Zikoko Half-naked

    2) When your oga asks you why you’re late to work.

    You know the drill.

    3) If your tailor doesn’t want to release your cloth on time.

    Faint on their neck my dear.

    4) When you attend a party and jollof passes you.

    Repeat the above.

    5) Quick, go to your bank branch today and faint.

    Maybe they’ll finally stop charging card maintenance fee.

    6) If Canada doesn’t give you a visa, you know what to do.

    If you know, you know.

    7) When people at home call for black tax.

    Off the light and faint my dear.

    8) When next your landlord increases your rent, show yourself.

    Add a little bit of display and saliva to sell it.

    9) Anytime your parents ask when you’ll get married.

    FAINT ON THEIR HEAD.

    10) If anyone asks about your plans for the future, repeat the action plan above.

    You are welcome.

    Hassan Yahaya

    , , ,
  • 8 Gifts Nigerian Women Think Men Want Vs. 8 Gifts Men Really Want

    Gentlemen, shall we?

    1) What women think men want:

    What men really want:

    A nice watch.

    2) What women think men want:

    Sex is not a gift. It’s mutual enjoyment.

    What men really want:

    Gift of prayers.

    3) What women think men want:

    I mean this is nice as a casual gift, but not for big events.

    What men really really really want:

    Sanwoolu, the evil you have done is enough.

    4) What women think men want:

    In addition to this, men also want:

    Perfume in copious amounts.

    5) What women think men want:

    What men want deep deep down:

    Sneakers, boots, palm – all kind of shoes.

    6) What women think men want on their birthdays:

    What men want in the deepest part of their heart:

    Get on this wave, baby.

    7) What women think men want:

    I mean this is nice and all, but check these out:

    8) What women think men want:

    In addition to this, what men really want:

    Trad, work shirts, accessories (Belt, Cuff-links, Socks).

    Special shout out – Bags, Laptops, Clippers. Last but not the least, when in doubt, ask the man in your life what he really wants.

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,
  • QUIZ: How Much Of An Agbero Are You?

    Are you a fighter? A lover? A fighter who only fights for love? This quiz knows the answer.

    Take below to find out:

    11 Of The Most Popular Zikoko Quizzes Of All Time

    Check out the biggest quizzes we’ve ever done. Take them here.

    Hassan Yahaya

    ,
    ,
  • 5 Tweets Guaranteed To Make Any Man United Fan Cry Red

    The jokes write themselves and here are some of the funniest ones to send to your friends that support Man U.

    1) Even I feel the pain in this one:

    I am not a Man U fan.

    2) I shouldn’t have laughed that hard.

    3) This is the funniest thing I have seen on Jack’s internet.

    4) I hate you guys.

    5) An absolute mess.

    Who are we kidding? 5 tweets aren’t enough. Special shout out to these ones 😂

    Bad team for life. We ride together, we stay together.

    Legend:

    https://twitter.com/Zaddy_Clinton/status/1282782816204357639?s=20

    The accuracy – All power belongs to the devils.

    Karma, is that you?

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,
  • If Your Nigerian Girlfriend Does Any Of These, She’s A Yoruba Demon

    Yoruba demon = player in this context. One gender has bad PR for being a player so we decided to level the playing field. Kings, if you see any of these signs, it’s a red flag. Immediately nip it in the bud.

    1) She communicates when there’s a problem.

    It’s a distraction from the fact that she has six of you in her purse that she’s rotating. She can’t afford to waste time too much time on one person.

    2) She says fine and actually means it’s fine.

    She doesn’t love you enough hence she’s not fighting for it. You mean no small drama? No allowing you to do a bit of display? Hmmm.

    3) She doesn’t eat out of your food.

    Red flag. Nigerian women show love by eating out of your food. Especially after saying they weren’t interested.

    4) Her gifts are not singlet and boxers.

    Run!

    5) She says “I love you.”

    If a Nigerian woman loves you, she’ll say she hates you. You see, she’s cheating.

    6) She doesn’t say “na so” when you compliment her.

    She has been receiving training from her other men and that’s why she’s now used to compliments. If you were the only one on her case, she’d still be shy to compliments.

    7) You’re not hearing words like “big head” and “ode.”

    She’s calling you baby and you too you are happy? Sorry for you.

    8) She’s always laughing.

    Kings, ask yourself, are you that funny? or are you the joke? Focus, young king.

    Growing up Nigerian

    Hassan Yahaya

    , , ,
  • If You Were God For A Day, What Would You Change In Nigeria?

    If you could play the role of God for one day, what would you do? Especially as a Nigerian citizen. What are some of the things you’d change?

    Not to be obvious, but I’ll immediately ban Ikokore.

    First point of duty. I’m sorry, Grandma.

    Then revive all the dead Nigerian politicians and jail them.

    Alongside the living ones.

    I’ll also give my people Canadian prosperity with Nigerian enjoyment.

    We no longer have to go to -10 degrees weather to escape bad governance.

    Then I’ll abolish 9-5’s.

    Oyar, everybody back into the garden. Osiso!

    Maybe also print a shirt that says “look at God.”

    Heh.

    After that, I’ll fix the Nepa situation so I can iron my ‘look at God’ shirt.

    Almost 60 years ffs.

    Don’t cry, don’t beg, but Lagos has to go.

    My children shouldn’t have to suffer like this.

    I’ll smite everyone who sends Whatsapp Bc’s or has ever sent one.

    Especially the Coronavirus conspiracy theorists.

    I’ll make a quick trip to 1914.

    ‘Lugard my child, that’s a bad idea.’

    For the grand finale, I’ll delete posts like this one from the internet.

    I yield my time!

    Hassan Yahaya

    , , ,
  • The Case of Nigerians And Linda Ikeji’s Hermes Birkin Handbag

    Who runs banter on the internet? Nigerians!

    What would you do if someone calls the luxury designer handbag that you bought with your hard earned cash fake?

    It all began when Linda Ikeji, the owner of this bag shared the latest expensive addition to her wardrobe.

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BBSHMtnhATE/?taken-by=officiallindaikeji
    Her very first one.

    But Nigerians love to dig out information from corners of the earth.

    With solid proof of course.

    And Nigerians came for Linda…

    In droves..

    But she wasn’t having any of it.

    She had to stand by every cent of the $14,000 she spent on the bag.

    Are goods in the UK priced in dollars? We’re just asking oh.

    Even the ones with fake handbags came for her.

    Everybody lost all chill in the world.

    https://twitter.com/Morenikeeee_/status/699712557087662081

    This analogy.

    For those who believe her.

    https://twitter.com/HEAD_MASTA/status/699720136970911744

    The ones that couldn’t be bothered.

    What goes around..

    Might come back around for you on the internet.

    [zkk_poll post=18879 poll=content_block_standard_format_15]

    Maryam

    , , , , , , , ,