You walk into the office of your new therapist and see a woman in blouse and wrapper. She has a lot of makeup on, with thick black eyebrows and bright red lipstick. You instantly realise your therapist is one of the judgemental Nigerian aunties you dislike so much. Yeah, you’ve entered wahala, because the following are the series of unfortunate events about to happen.
You won’t be able to wear just anything
As a woman, if you mistakenly wear anything that shows your knees, armpits or breasts, she won’t answer you. As a man, you better not wear ashewo shorts because she’ll send you back even after collecting your money. Nigerian aunties carry “proper dressing” on their heads.
She’ll ask what you have to be depressed about
If you tell her you’re depressed, she’ll think you’re being ungrateful. Because, according to her, as long as you have a roof over your head, a job, food to eat and you’re alive, you should be happy.
She’ll tell you to pray
No problem is bigger than God. Why would you try to solve your issues in therapy when you should be praying to God? She may even make you kneel and use your session to pray.
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Extra time for people with tattoos and piercings
Because if you’re getting tattoos and piercings, you can’t be okay mentally. According to the judgemental Nigerian aunty handbook, only troubled and rebellious children get and flaunt such things. That’s why she’ll give you extra therapy time — to help solve your issues so you can “clean” the tattoos.
She’ll judge your career
She won’t take you seriously if you’re not a doctor, engineer, lawyer, or architect. She’ll tell you you’re having all these mental health issues because you don’t have a “good” job.
She’ll report you to your parents
Confidentiality does not exist in the Nigerian auntie’s book. The only reason she’s taking notes isn’t because she’s trying to help you, it’s because she wants to remember all the details to tell your parents.
She’ll fat-shame you
You’ll hear at least 27 fat-shaming comments from the moment you step into her office until you leave. “Why won’t you have all these problems when you keep eating and adding weight?”
If you’re single, marriage is the solution
According to her, you’re having mental health issues because you’re not married. If you were, all your problems would be solved.
She’ll talk about how perfect her life is
As you’re telling her about your issues, she’ll be telling you about how she can’t relate. And do you think she won’t brag about her children? LOL, she will — even if said children are also getting therapy elsewhere because of her.
You have to be submissive or be a man
If you’re a woman, she’ll manage to somehow make your issues revolve around submissiveness. If you’re a man, she’ll tell you to “be a man” and handle your problems “like a man.” Why is a man seeking emotional help from a woman?
She’ll tell you to “manage” even if you’re fighting for your life
She’ll say everything will be fine and, so you should just manage. Life isn’t perfect, and you can’t get everything you want since everybody has problems. God will help you.
You must perform respect
When you step into her office, you must bow or kneel. When speaking to her, you must put “ma” at the end because she’s not your mate. You can’t argue with her because everything she says is right.
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