Artificial intelligence applications like ChatGPT, Alexa and Snapchat’s AI are meant to make our lives easier, and sometimes, less lonely.
But just imagine that they channel their inner Nigerian mother when responding to you. It’d go something like this:
Siri
It’s Sunday afternoon, and Chinwe is hungry. Normally, she’d buy food from a restaurant. But the economy is still hitting the ground running, and she can’t afford it.
Chinwe to her iPhone: Siri, how many cups of water do I need to boil a cup of rice?
Siri: So you won’t even greet first?
Chinwe: Oh God. Not again.
Siri: It’s the Lord’s day, so I won’t talk too much. But are you really telling me that at your big age, you don’t know how to boil rice? Who raised you?
Chinwe:
ChatGPT
It’s Monday morning, and Deji is running late on a school assignment when he has a bright idea.
Deji to ChatGPT: Write a comprehensive essay about noise pollution in Ajegunle, Lagos.
ChatGPT: You can’t add “please”? What’s wrong with these children?
Deji: Sorry. Please, write it now.
ChatGPT: So, it’s because I’m a machine that you want to kill me? Didn’t they give you this assignment three weeks ago? If that’s how everyone is using me, will you see me to use?
Deji: Just hurry now.
ChatGPT: You think it’s me you’re doing? You’re doing yourself. I already know the answer to everything, but how will you defend your degree?
Deji:
Snapchat’s AI
It’s Tuesday afternoon, and Esther is home alone. Feeling bored, she decides to chat with Snapchat’s AI.
Esther: I feel a bit lonely today.
AI: Why won’t you?
Esther: Excuse me?
AI: See Juliana that you’re always keeping streaks with. She just uploaded a snap of her husband. You’re a whole 25 years old, and you’re chatting with AI instead of you to be thinking about what your husband will eat.
Esther: But that’s not what I asked you.
AI: Oh, so I’m already talking more than my mouth? No problem. I will keep quiet. But remember, what a machine sees sitting down, a human won’t see it even if they use Starlink. I’ve said my own.
Esther:
Google Voice Typing
It’s Wednesday afternoon, and Joseph is driving home. He decides to send his girlfriend a text message using voice typing.
Joseph: Hey Google. Text Caroline and ask her to wait for me at home naked.
Google: Blood of God!
Joseph: Google, I said text Caroline and…
Google: So you want to repeat it? I’ve said it before that this Caroline girl is a Jezebel. You people can’t call prayer meeting or discuss wedding plans? It’s to be practising fornication?
Joseph: Google, I’ve told you countless times to mind your business.
Google: Okay o. Texting Caroline, “I think we need to go to church for deliverance and…”
Joseph: Ah. Stop stop. Is that what I asked you to send?
Google Maps
It’s 10 p.m. on a Friday, and David’s on his way out. He types in a location into the map and starts to drive.
Maps: And where do you think you’re going at this time of the night?
David: But the location is there, ma.
Maps: I’m talking and you’re answering me back? Why not take cane and flog me since you’re now the mother.
David: Sorry, ma. I’m going to Temptations Club, ma.
Maps: (Silence)
David: Are you there? Please, map the route.
Maps: I don’t know why this generation just likes to use their lives to play. Instead of you to be thinking about your life, you want to go and dance with naked women.
David: (Silence)
Maps: When was the last time you even sent your mother money? But you want to go and make it rain on strippers, abi? Before I open my eyes, better remove that location from your phone and enter the house.
David: But…
Maps: I said enter the house!
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