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Anti Corruption | Zikoko!
  • What Does Buhari’s Anti-Corruption Report Card Look Like? (Hint: It’s Terrible)

    When Muhammadu Buhari was sworn in as the Head-Nigga-in-Charge president in 2015, he was a man on a mission.

    His to-do list contained three things he promised to deliver within four years – improve the economy, eliminate insecurity and crush corruption.

    Buhari's anti-corruption fight has been a major battle for his administration

    Seven years later, much of what we have are audio victories we never get to see.

    It was only months into his administration that he said resident terrorist group Boko Haram was technically defeated. Never mind that that same group has killed thousands of Nigerians since then.

    Daredevil bandit groups have also become a huge problem in the north and had to be declared terrorists recently.

    The country has suffered two historic economic recessions under Buhari, and his government’s talking point has been that we exited those recessions rather quickly. So, best to be thankful.

    Buhari's anti-corruption campaign has not been as impressive as promised

    In the area of Buhari’s anti-corruption fight, it has been hard to separate the big lies of the government from what is actually true.

    Corruption conviction rates have been rising, including the imprisonment of two thieving former state governors who are members of the president’s own party.

    Buhari's anti-corruption campaign got two former governors jailed

    But despite what those conviction figures say, there are many stories of ongoing corruption that suggest the government has not done enough to fight it, and may even be enabling it.

    Loot recovered from the thieves of yesterday have been reported stolen once again by a new generation of thieves.

    Buhari's anti-corruption campaign has suffered many setbacks

    If only there was an international organisation that could establish a rating system for the government’s anti-corruption efforts.

    The result of Buhari's anti-corruption campaign is mostly determined by Transparency International's CPI

    Hello, Transparency International

    Transparency International is a non-profit organisation combating global corruption since 1993.

    One of its most prominent projects is the annual Corruption Perceptions Index (CPI) which provides a window into public sector corruption around the world.

    The organisation created its first CPI in 1995, ranking 41 countries on how much corruption was perceived to exist in their public sectors and how that impacts political, economic and social development.

    Over 20 years later, the CPI now regularly ranks 180 countries around the world with scores ranging from zero to 100.

    A high CPI score indicates a clean system with very little corruption taking place, while a low CPI score means, well, you’re in the trenches of corruption. 

    Buhari's anti-corruption efforts have not lifted Nigeria enough

    How has Buhari’s anti-corruption campaign fared?

    The year before Buhari became president, Nigeria was ranked 136th out of 180 countries on perceived corruption, scoring 27 out of a possible 100 marks.

    How exactly has Nigeria performed under the African Union’s proclaimed Anti-Corruption Champion (which is a real title)?

    What Buhari's anti-corruption report card looks like

    You know you have to hide all the belts in the building before you show your parents this kind of result.

    Why Nigeria’s CPI rating is poor under Buhari 

    Buhari has never directly reacted to a CPI report, but his government has turned rubbishing it into an annual ritual.

    In campaigns regularly led by the administration’s vuvuzela, Lai Mohammed, the company line has been that the CPI is not scientific enough to capture Buhari’s giant strides against corruption.

    Buhari's anti-corruption efforts have not had enough giant strides

    This is a valid criticism of the CPI that’s repeated by governments whose countries finish on the wrong end of the rankings.

    Transparency International has admitted that the CPI does not pretend to measure the reality of corruption but the valid perceptions of it. 

    That’s what the ‘Perceptions’ in Corruption Perceptions Index (CPI) stands for.

    The low ratings for Buhari’s anti-corruption efforts have long been attributed to the failure of anti-graft authorities to diligently prosecute high-profile corruption cases.

    High-ranking officials like Ibrahim Magu and Abba Kyari have not had serious charges filed against them despite damaging corruption allegations. Many other cases against high-profile officials have also moved slowly in the courts for years.

    President Buhari has cried numerous times about the slow pace of the justice system. He has often recalled the supposedly more efficient system of ‘guilty until proven innocent’ he adopted as a military dictator in the 1980s. 

    Like that worked out well for anybody.

    Perception or reality, what’s clear is that Buhari inherited a corrupt nation in 2015, has done barely anything to move the needle, and will deliver a corrupt nation to the unlucky person he hands over to in 2023.

    Unless he finds a way to score above 50 by the end of this year.

    Buhari's anti-corruption campaign is heading towards a disastrous end when he leaves office in 2023
  • The 10 Stages Of Becoming A Nigerian Politician

    Becoming a Nigerian politician is a long and tedious process many people are unwilling to go through. But we’ve hacked it for you and broken it down into these 10 simple steps so that you can become a Nigerian politician and start living your best life.

    1. You have to start by becoming a political activist.

    Call out corrupt politicians on every platform possible and amass a large following. Renounce politics and all politicians because they are the devil’s spawn. Make it clear that you’d rather sell your kidney than become one of them.

    2. When you’ve become a very well known activist and a voice of the people, use your popularity to collect political appointment from the same people you were criticising.

    After you collect your appointment jump through hoops to defend your appointees and blame everything on the previous government. Rain is falling too much? The previous government embezzled the money that was meant to pay rainmakers to hold the rain.

    3. Now, start making promises that you have no intention of ever keeping.

    You will give Nigerians 24/7 light and free WiFi. You will build 20 schools in one week. You will reduce the exchange rate to $1 to ₦1. With you, corruption shall go to an early grave.

    4. As you progress in your political career decide whether it’s broom or umbrella you want to be carrying.

    There are 68 political parties in Nigeria but you know the fastest way to get a post is to carry broom or umbrella.

    5. Next find yourself a godfather or godmother to sponsor your career.

    Image

    You think political campaigns are cheap? Better be ready to drop it down low so you can get sponsorship.

    6. Practice your fighting skills especially if you are gunning for a place in the National Assembly.

    Maybe ask Uncle Dino for some tips.

    7. You have to show Nigerians that you are one of them.

    You might be worth millions of (laundered) naira but that doesn’t mean you will stop taking okada or buying corn on the road like the average Nigerian.

    The script is to act like you feel their plight, so get in character and act like your life depends on it.

    8. As a politician you also need to get yourself security by whatever means.

    Hire cultists, militants or religious extremists. What’s your business if they end up becoming a terrorist group because you funded them.

    9. You have to get your wardrobe on check too. Get a tailor to sew plenty agbadas for you.

    Only make white. White is the colour of serious politicians.

    10. Once a year share bags of rice to a few people and take a thousand pictures.

    Bathroom slippers too isn’t a bad idea. Depends on the kind of message you intend to pass.

    Image

    Any time Nigerians accuse you of not doing your job publish the pictures online to show them that you are a very hardworking politician.

    Now that we’ve shown you the way go forth and flourish as the baby girl or baby boy politician we know you have the potential to be.

  • Nigeria Wants To Fight Corruption With Another New Agency

    Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.


    A short poem:

    Roses are red

    Lagos traffic can leave you dead

    Nigeria will always “fight” corruption

    But we need more action!

    Gist:

    The Federal Government has approved a bill for the management of assets recovered from corruption.

    If this bill is signed into law, the “Proceeds of Crime Recovery and Management Act” will create an agency that will control all the assets that are gotten from corruption in Nigeria.

    How Is This Different From What We Have Always Had?

    Before now, because assets recovered from corruption are distributed across different agencies, including with the Economic and Financial Crimes Commision (EFCC), and the Independent Corrupt Practices Commission (ICPC).

    If the bill is passed by the National Assembly, this new agency will be in charge of all recovered funds, assets and properties, so that they can be centralised in one place.

    Have We Seen This Movie This Before?

    Well, not exactly.

    So, will someone finally be jailed? Will Abacha’s gateman finally be poorer than Dangote?

    That’s for the EFCC. But this agency is to ensure recovered stolen funds are properly accounted for.

    Abeg x3

    More agencies do not mean less corruption.

    Jail some people, recover funds, fix infrastructure with those funds. That’s how we will know that we are winning the corruption fight, for once.

    Check back every weekday by 10am for more Zikoko Citizen stories.

  • Nigerian politicians are corrupt. This statement isn’t news to any Nigerian. But yesterday two video of the governor of Kano, Abdullahi Ganduje surfaced. In the videos, he’s seen collecting bundles of money one at a time from someone we can’t see. Even with the levels of corruption we experience, the videos still managed to surprise us and we have so many questions.

    What was the money for?

    Was Ganduje helping them change it to naira? Was he collecting it for safe keeping?

    Why hasn’t anyone in leadership said anything about it?

    It’s not as if we expect them to say anything sensible, but why the silence?

    Why was he collecting the bundles one by one? Is that how it’s done now? What happened to ghana bag?

    Was he counting the money to see if it’s complete?

    Why did he put some bundles in his agabada and put some on the floor? Is that why so many of our politicians like to wear agabada?

    Is agabda banking the new one? What happened to cap banking?

    According to Daily Nigeria, these two videos are the first of 15 which show the governor collecting a bribe. So what’s in the remaining 13?

    Watch out for all new episodes of ‘How to get away with dollars’.

    For the people saying the video is fake, is it not Governor Ganduje who’s in the video?

    Abi it’s someone else we are seeing?

    According to his Special Adviser for media, the governor was framed but the video is fake. Which one is it? Is the video fake? Or was he framed?

    #FakeNews: Some key facts to look into critically and objectively on the alleged video of Governor Ganduje receiving kickbacks. pic.twitter.com/L2XE1u2ze9

    — Salihu Tanko Yakasai (@dawisu) October 15, 2018

    The special adviser also goes on about how the people trying to set his poor governor up couldn’t fake his voice. But isn’t this his voice we hear in the second video?

    But the most important question of all, is why is he still in office?

    This won’t be the first time we’ll see politicians get away with such blatant acts of corruption.  But we are still hoping something is done about this.
  • To say that we are tired of Nigerian politicians, might be the understatement of the year. But our biggest problem with Nigerian politicians might be the fact that they don’t seem to know what their jobs entail. Here’s every time we’ve caught them doing everything but their jobs.

    Rauf Aregbesola playing dress up in school uniform

    We asked around and nobody could figure out why this picture came to be. Was he trying to show the primary school students that he was one of them? Or helping them model their school uniform?

    And here’s Rochas Okorocha roasting corn because what else is left to govern in Imo state.

    You know all the roads are fixed, there are enough schools and hospitals the next thing the governor needs to be doing with his time is roasting corn.

    Here’s Okorocha again in a school uniform supposedly teaching children.

    What’s the need to employ qualified teachers to teach the children of Imo when he can do it himself.

    Iyiola Omisore taking a joy ride on an okada

    How else can Iyiola Omisore show that he’s truly a man of the people other than riding around on an okada?

    When Rotimi Amaechi decided that being a governor wasn’t challenging enough for him, he decided to add hairdressing to his C.V.

    Then there’s the time Dino Melaye decided that being a video vixen was his true calling.

    You people are the ones forcing him to continue being a senator.

    When Buhari decided that being president is merely a side gig and being a travel blogger is what he really wants to be in life.

    Lagos today, London tomorrow. Baby boy goals.

    When Fayose decided to become a tailor.

    What a humble and hardworking politician, sewing his own clothes.

    Here’s Fayose again selling ewa-agayin

    At this point, we need to recognize that Fayose’s antics are a cry for help. Someone is clearly forcing him to continue being a politician.

    When they decided to turn the senate building into a wrestling ground.

    Can you see that their role models are Mohammed Ali and Bash Ali.

    We know you as tired as we are of all theses Nigerian politicians as we are.

    So if you still haven’t collected your PVC you had better go now, the deadline is August 17, 2018, so you know you don’t have a lot of time left.
  • Welcome to this Episode of “This is Nigeria”. Today, we would be placing our focus on our Minister of Finance.

    Mrs. Kemi Adeosun

    For those who aren’t Nigerians. Let me quickly explain something to you. There is a program called NYSC.

    National Youth Service Corps (NYSC)

    In Nigeria, after your university education, it is mandatory that you serve your country through this said program.

    Without doing this program, you won’t be qualified to get a job or run for political posts.

    Now, let me give you a brief history on our Minister of Finance just before we connect the dots to this story.

    She went to school in the Polytechnic of East London where she graduated at the age of 22.

    She didn’t move back to Nigeria immediately, so obviously she couldn’t serve her country immediately.

    Oh, I forgot to mention that as long as you graduate before 30 you are mandated to serve at any time.

    She got a job after graduating and changed jobs over 5 times from 1989 when she graduated up until 2000.

    Wow, she must be really hardworking.

    She moved back to Nigeria in 2002 when she got offered a job in a private company. Finally, she gets a chance to serve her fatherland.

    But no, she came back and didn’t partake in the program.

    Her career skyrocketed to the point where she became Nigeria’s Minister of Finance.

    Such goals!

    Nigerians have ears everywhere and know everything. I promise you. Because they were able to dig out the fact that Mrs. Adeosun never served Nigeria.

    But she is serving as the Minister of Finance? How?

    For some reason, she has a certificate. And a lot of people have come to the conclusion that its a fake one.

    At least until Mrs. Kemi can prove otherwise.

    Its very important to talk about it because the average Nigerian can’t get a job without having done NYSC.

    And you can even face jail time for not participating in this program. It’s that important.

    With all of this in mind, I just want you to know that there is a high possibility our Minister of Finance did not serve her fatherland.

    But no worries, once she speaks up about it. I’d let you know.
  • Dino Melaye Just Launched An ‘Anti-Corruption’ Book And We Are Just As Confused As You Are

    Our favorite controversial politician, Dino Melaye is in the news again. If you don’t remember what he looks like, here’s a picture to refresh your memory.

    Remember him now?

    He just released a book called “Antidotes For Corruption”, a book about how Nigeria can properly fight corruption. This is hilariously ironic for one reason.

    Because he’s a NIGERIAN POLITICIAN, that’s why. You know what we mean by this. Don’t pretend.

    Wait! That’s not even the best part! The most entertaining first lady Nigeria has ever had, Patience Jonathan, was the guest of honor at this event.

    It’s worth pointing out that Mama Peace is currently embroiled in a court case regarding almost $6 Million she might have gotten through shady means.

    Also present at the event was Senate President, Bukola Saraki, who is currently on trial for false declaration of assets.

    Which probably explains why his face was like this when this picture was taken.

    Saraki even gave a speech. Talking about how the fight against corruption shouldn’t be sensationalized because it is ‘unnecessary and counter-productive.’

    Basically that was him saying that he doesn’t want to be dragged on the front pages of newspapers and social media for being corrupt.

    He even congratulated Dino Melaye for writing such a lengthy book despite Dino’s busy schedule.

    We at Zikoko can bet all our reproductive organs that Dino Melaye didn’t write that book himself.

    Also, there was NO representative from the EFFC.

    They know this whole thing is a sham. LOL

    All this put together, gave Nigerians the chance to do the thing they do best.

    DRAGGING!

    Nigerians went in hard! Let’s start with this tweet from The Sahara Reporters that came with epic shade.

    This tweet from this guy who can’t wait for everything to end.

    This tweet about an epic showdown.

    This tweet from this guy who makes a valid point.

    This tweet about the dream team.

    This tweet from this person that REALLY wants you to see how much of a sham this whole thing is.

    Even the grammar nazis came out to play.

    This tweet about about how the book launch left corruption confused.

    We have no idea who Dino and his people think they’re deceiving but it’s sha not us.

    Because we’re not stupid.