African Uncle | Zikoko!

Your Uncle Tade who still gives you money for “biscuit” even though you are now doing NYSC

You can never be too old for ‘money to buy biscuit’
Aunty Lola who has twelve children below the age of ten and brings all of them to your house with her.

Does my house look like daycare?
Aunty Bola that keeps asking you “when will you marry?”

I’m still in year 2, what’s the problem please?
Uncle Sege who stopped giving you money for biscuit as soon as you finished secondary school.

Does Uncle Tade have two heads?
Your Aunty Funmi who has been living in London for eighteen years and has a tattoo at the back of her neck. She always tells you “wazz popping” whenever you greet her.

Funky mummy!
Cousin Titi that you went to UNILAG with but went abroad for masters for a year and now has accent.

Sister but you went to America why’s your accent British?
Aunty Folu that keeps asking you questions that don’t concern her

“So you mean you are still job hunting?” Ehn what’s your business?
Uncle Seyi that comes and stays in your house from December 1st to January 31st without informing anybody he was coming

Kuku just move in with us now
Uncle Jide that just came back from the overseas for the first time in 20 years

Don’t ask me if I remember you I was 2 when you left
Cousin Doyin that has two heads. The one your parents always tell you to be like.

“See your mate he has masters and Ph.D. at 22 you are here still doing NYSC” I can’t come and kill myself please
Uncle Bayo who only shows up at your house on December 25th and January 1st to eat free rice

He’ll even bring cooler for take away
And best of all, all of your cool cousins who are the same age as you that you can go for all the Christmas rocks with.

What’s Christmas without rocks?
Did we leave anybody out?

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

June 11, 2018

Oldies

African Uncle, Aunt, christmas, Cousin, Family, Nigerian aunt, Nigerian family, Uncle
1. The Nigerian uncle starter pack:

Can’t even argue.
2. When you have to talk to him on the phone.

https://twitter.com/Josh__IK/status/668364306132676608

3. “You know I was there when your mummy gave birth to you.”

And then?
4. When he says “the last time I saw you, you were a baby,” but still asks if you remember him.

Is this a rhetorical question?
5. When he comes to visit and turns you into house-help.

See my life.
6. When he swears he knows the most about football.

We’ve heard you.
7. “So, did your mummy cook?”

Just like that?
8. Whenever you don’t greet him properly.

Ah! No vex.
9. Whenever he brings up the marriage topic around you.

Free me oh.
10. When he promises you something but then acts brand new the next time you see each other.

See betrayal.
11. When he cracks a dry joke, but you’re broke so you have to laugh.

*Laughs in empty bank account*
12. When he says “you don’t call me” or “I’ve been trying your number.”

I’m confused.
13. When he starts an argument about politics.

Not me and you, abeg.
14. “You’re now big oh. Turn around let me see you well.”

So that what?
15. That legendary goodbye handshake.

You’re the best.

Daniel Orubo

December 10, 2015

Oldies

African Uncle, Nigeria, Nigerian Uncle, Uncle

Your Uncle Tade who still gives you money for “biscuit” even though you are now doing NYSC

Aunty Lola who has twelve children below the age of ten and brings all of them to your house with her.

Aunty Bola that keeps asking you “when will you marry?”

Uncle Sege who stopped giving you money for biscuit as soon as you finished secondary school.

Your Aunty Funmi who has been living in London for eighteen years and has a tattoo at the back of her neck. She always tells you “wazz popping” whenever you greet her.

Cousin Titi that you went to UNILAG with but went abroad for masters for a year and now has accent.

Aunty Folu that keeps asking you questions that don’t concern her

Uncle Seyi that comes and stays in your house from December 1st to January 31st without informing anybody he was coming

Uncle Jide that just came back from the overseas for the first time in 20 years

Cousin Doyin that has two heads. The one your parents always tell you to be like.

Uncle Bayo who only shows up at your house on December 25th and January 1st to eat free rice

And best of all, all of your cool cousins who are the same age as you that you can go for all the Christmas rocks with.

Did we leave anybody out?

1. The Nigerian uncle starter pack:

2. When you have to talk to him on the phone.

3. “You know I was there when your mummy gave birth to you.”

4. When he says “the last time I saw you, you were a baby,” but still asks if you remember him.

5. When he comes to visit and turns you into house-help.

6. When he swears he knows the most about football.

7. “So, did your mummy cook?”

8. Whenever you don’t greet him properly.

9. Whenever he brings up the marriage topic around you.

10. When he promises you something but then acts brand new the next time you see each other.

11. When he cracks a dry joke, but you’re broke so you have to laugh.

12. When he says “you don’t call me” or “I’ve been trying your number.”

13. When he starts an argument about politics.

14. “You’re now big oh. Turn around let me see you well.”

15. That legendary goodbye handshake.