Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121 african parents | Zikoko!
Iâve pictured a thousand and one ways Iâd have scolded my parents if I caught them embarrassing me on social media. And let me tell you something, Iâve failed a thousand and one times.
You may be tempted to believe that Iâm not the right person to dish out tips on dealing with your parents, but please, perish that thought. You know how older folks say itâs easier to discipline a strangerâs child than it is your own? Exactly. The same principle applies here.Â
Now that weâve gotten that out of the way, let us explore the different ways to send your parents into shocked mute if they misbehave on Obasanjoâs internet.
Deactivate your social media
This is the first step in making sure you donât die of embarrassment. And you must do this ASAP. This way, no one will be able to trace them to you when they ask âWhose mother or father is this?â
Activate your burner
You have only one job when you do this. Troll their ungodly video entry for whatever challenge theyâre participating in. When they come running to you, give them the most parent friendly advice ever: âMummy, daddy, delete the video.â
Tell them to âstood downâ
Your parentâs willingness to join a social media challenge might be their undoing. Just tell them that this punishment that showed you shege as a kid is the new way to keep fit and exercise. Theyâll hit the ground quicker than they can press âpostâ on Instagram. Take this as your way of disciplining them. But please, temper justice with mercy.
Report them to their Olubawi
Especially if itâs a social media challenge with extreme sexual undertones. Youâll have to call big daddy, big mummy, Iya agba, Baba agba or whoever they hold in high regard to keep their relatives in check.
Or just call a family meeting
When everyone has gathered, play the embarrassing video on the big screen. Your parents will see for themselves why itâs not a good idea to document their peak foolery for the internet to see.
[ad]
Clean up their socials
How will they see a challenge to participate in it if youâve curated their page to only show Godly content? Block every known celebrity and gossip pages on their social media, including the ones they havenât followed yet. This way, you can rest assured knowing they only see things that please God. Repeat this clean up monthly.Â
Have a heart to heart conversation
How the roles have changed, right? Anyway, use the opportunity to educate them about the dangers of oversharing on social media. Tell them sharing embarrassing content like that is like setting a table in front of their enemies.
Join them
If you notice the challenge is just a way for them to do something fun and stay happy, join them. Good thing is, you get to control what they put out and suggest social media challenges that glorify the name of the Lord.
Life is good. Life has its perks sometimes, despite all its (very many) bumps. However, you might, for any reason, decide that youâre tired of life and living. Especially if youâre living with Nigerian parents. Do any of these and youâre assured of a speedy dispatch to the afterlife. Youâre welcome.
1. Put it on your motherâs head
You know how your mother says âput it on my headâ when you ask where to put something? Try putting it on her head, for once. Let us know how it goes.
2. Rub your fatherâs bald head
You know how they say rubbing a bald head brings good luck? You can decide to rub your popsyâs shiny head. You can add a light tap, if youâre feeling extra. Do let us know which hospital you end up in.
3. Tell your father you hate him and walk out
Just like in American movies. You think you can pull it off? Go for it.
When a lot of people recall childhood beatings, it’s often with a hint of wry humour and I’m usually just blown, like
Excuse me, what about getting beaten is funny?
Your dad or mom had you hospitalized and left a permanent scar on you and youâre laughing almost fondly? What in the Stockholm Syndrome is this?
I often find that the longer people tell these stories, the humour fades and their true feelings of the events are exposed â whatever they may be.
Admittedly, if I were asked to recount such tales, Iâd probably laugh in the process of telling it as well. Well, that just might be because Iâm damaged. Who knows?
Corporal punishments or what we call beating, is tightly woven into the average Nigerian or Africanâs correctional culture.
It starts at home with parents, aunts or uncles and older siblings, and extends to school and sometimes even religious institutions.
In fact, itâs not the strangest thing to see a man or woman âdisciplineâ a complete strangerâs child for some wrongdoing or other.
They say it takes a village to raise a child and this village believes in the supposed effectiveness of beatings. However, with all the beatings and supposed discipline, crime and immorality are still rife in the society.
A lot of people will argue that beatings didnât leave any lasting mental scars, that theyâre actually better for it.
These same people look forward to beating their children for not much other reason than âwell, it was done to me and I turned out wellâ.
That might be true, but you could definitely have turned out a whole lot better. In an environment that often disregards mental health, it would be hard for you to even tell the signs.
Damaged people damage people.
There are many detrimental effects of corporal punishment.
If you were beaten as a child, itâs okay to admit that you are damaged. It makes it easier to notice the signs and break the cycle.
Unless you have the very spawn of the devil as a child (which is very unlikely) thereâs no way he/she wonât be able to discern right from wrong, especially if broken down and properly communicated to them.
It doesnât have to be etched on their bodies through beatings. In contrast to what parents are trying to achieve, the child most often only learns to fear punishment, rather than understand why he should follow rules. They become sneaky and learn to hide bad behaviour well, because of the fear of punishment.
AKA âwrong is what gets you punished; right is what gets you praise or avoids punishment.â Morally upright, indeed. See this.
Beatings donât teach your child to behave properly. A child who gets beaten for fighting a sibling wonât magically learn how to get along better in future.
Parents are in fact just sending a confusing message by doing exactly what theyâre trying to get the children to not do. Children do what parents do, more than what they say. Effective discipline should always teach new skills, and parents are responsible for the child they raised.
Parents often lose it and react, and in the process donât teach anything other than that their child should be afraid of them. Parents who use corporal punishment often react out of desperation before they really consider the underlying reason.
The child just gets beaten without fully understanding what they did wrong, simply learning that their parents donât like it and not to do it again⊠and get caught.
Parents who employ corporal punishment as a discipline tool are simply training their kids to resent them.
Beatings damage your child’s self-esteem, their ability to interact properly with others, their view of the world and their view of how they deserve to be treated!
Beatings push your children away from you, and they become vulnerable to picking up vices from strangers. They also perfect bad habits such as lying. Why make your child grow up traumatised?
Punishment isn’t the only facet of discipline! In fact, if your discipline consists of just negative consequences, it isn’t very effective.
Some parents, when asked why they beat their children, will say out of frustration âI donât know what else to do.â How would you feel if you were meted out that same punishment by a spouse or loved one with the excuse of them not knowing how else to let you know youâd made a mistake? That would be termed âEmotional Pain and Sufferingâ for an adult, so why do we believe children donât have the same feelings that adults do?
The screaming that comes from a young child being beaten is not so much the result of physical trauma as it is emotional trauma. They experience the overwhelming emotional pain of rejection, worthlessness, and the betrayal is usually much worse than any physical pain.
So, is #StopBeatingChildren a relevant movement in the Nigerian society? Yes.
We need to recognize beatings for what they are â abuse. We need to break the cycle of abusing our children because we were abused.
There are other equally effective methods of disciplining a child without physical (or verbal) abuse.
Parents can try, for one, actually talking to the kids like theyâre human beings with brains. They should also try educating them as patiently as possible about the dangers or implications of their bad behaviour.
Ignore them, ground them, take away something they love, clearly express your disapproval and lecture them if need be, just do anything but abuse them.
The mental scars you inflict on them will last longer than any lesson youâd like them to learn.
What are your thoughts on using corporal punishment as a discipline tool?
If you have Nigerian parents like mine, asking for money was most likely a grueling and almost terrifying task. You try to prepare and brace yourself ahead of time, but the where, when, why and how combo will always leave you stunned. Here’s a few of their excuses!
As youâre there shivering, theyâll just be looking at you likeâŠ
You think I have money growing in the backyard?
Ah ahn, mummy. Only sometimes, nowâŠ
What happened to the money I just gave you?
When youâre hit with this question, confusion just sets in! Even if it has been three months since and they ask you, just pull out a pen and get ready to do some accounting. Youâve entered it.
Eh ehn… With your grades?
âIs it with D- in mathematics that you want to collect money? You can calculate money but not ordinary simple algebra??? My friend clear off!â
“When you’re always pressing phone.”
âWhy wonât you need money when you are always pressing your phone?â Everything bad in life is because of the phone they bought for you, anyway.
Haven’t you been eating in this house?
But when did I start paying for food nah??? Even when asking for your own money, you have to be careful if you want to keep eating. Issa scam.
What are you even using money for?
Na wah o⊠Where do I even start?
Go and meet your mother/father.
Even when they know the other person isnât around. Ugh!
Why didn’t you tell me since?
âAnd I just finished spending all the money I had o. Sorry.â Chei! But why?
Come and sell me/turn me to money.
Caution! Do not proceed!! Retreat!!!
I don’t have.
Cheee! This is the answer you meet at the final level. The painful boss. No chance to beg further, no progress, no explanation, just⊠no. You cannot argue with this, even if you see them with tons of money. Just accept your fate and go away. Slap is real.
But last last sha, all is for home training and in good faith, because they struggle too. Shout out to our amazing folks!
Africa hasnât really invested in science and it shows.  Scientists tend to solve problems they know have wide applications in their environments.  Because of that, many problems peculiar to Africa have remained unsolved for decadesâŠBut imagine if a scientist like Einstein was African, he might work on a whole different set of problems likeâŠ
1. An early warning system for when your mum is about to slap you
A way of calculating atmospheric pressure around your mumâs hands and letting you know when it changes so that you know to duck.
2. A ‘love’ potion for African parents
Because African parents will never willingly say Iâm sorry OR I love you.
3. A body odour neutraliser
Since everyone has refused to wear deodorant in this heat, weâd have a substance that neutralizes the poisonous body odour from others. Billions of African noses will be saved!
4. A ‘Kini’ translator (mind reading device)
Your Nigerian mother is convinced that you understand what âBring me my kiniâ means.  Because as far as she is concerned, she gave birth to a mind reader. This device will decode all your motherâs mannerisms to save your African ass from a beating.
5. A Yoruba boy warning system
Since Yoruba boys donât actually have to be Yoruba boys. You gats be prepared!Â
6. An African accent identifier
Actor in Hollywood movie speaking in generic African accent:âMy name is Babatunde Johnson.âAfrican accent identifier: âThis is NOT a Nigerian accent, I repeat, this is NOT a Nigerian accent. Replace actor immediately. Suggestion â David Oyelowo.â
7. Self-cleaning weaves
Because⊠haba..
8. ‘Two heads’ to help you pass in school
Dad: âJolade that came first, does she have two heads?â
You:*Heads to Jumia.com to order an extra head  ?*
9. Air conditioners that run on ‘I beta pass my neighbour’
Because this heat is demonic..
10. A 24-hour monitoring system for parents and girlfriends
Complete with a voice that says âremember the son of whom you areâ everywhere you go.
11. An Oyinbo food Africanizer
For all those times youâre craving real pepper but youâre stuck with the 10th sandwich this week.
12. A makeup face printer
Instead of spending 1 hour to get a beat face, just use this machine to print your make up sharp sharp! Copy and paste.
13. Kenyan running gene transplant
Because Kenyans outrun everybody and other Africans will appreciate getting the Kenyan running gene transplant. Simple.
14. Petrol-to-your-door delivery service
Order online. Delivery within 24 hours depending on distance. Because somebody cannot come and die from queueing in this hot sun abeg!
15. Actual special effects for Nollywood action scenes
Hay God! We canât continue like this. Look at how they destroyed the Ghanian folktale, Anansi The Spider!?
16. An allergen that makes African presidents allergic to overstaying their term
Because African Presidents who have spent more than 10 years in office are likely to never leave officeâŠunless God or death or allergy⊠See Gaddafi, Mugabe etc
Now imagine a world where the next Einstein is African
Africa is transforming. Touch screen cardio pads that connect rural citizens to important care. Urine tests that detect malaria. Rapid diagnostic tests that detect Ebola. mPesa and other digital financial platforms that facilitate financial inclusion. Major solar energy projects in Morocco and Rwanda. The light rail in Ethiopia. The Square Kilometre Array, arguably set to be the worldâs biggest telescope, in South Africa.
Join the Movement and call on African governments, leaders of civil society and the private sector and young people to support a new era in science, technology and innovation.
Weâre looking for 1 million signatures. Pledge your signature.
If you werenât whipped with a cane (and eba stick) or gotten slapped unexpectedly, you probably didnât grow up in a Nigerian home.
Here are 21 things you could get beaten for as a child in a Nigerian home.
1. Not greeting the visitors in your house.
Where is your home training?
2. Staring at the food served for the visitors for more than 3 seconds.
Only cane can cure your long throat.
3. Walking around without any particular aim.
Somebody canât even take small stroll again.
4. Talking back at an elder.
Talk back, get slapped.
5. Asking for too much food.
Because you must never eat to your fill.
6. Refusing to eat.
But is it your eat?
7. Breaking a plate or glass cup.
RIP to your backside.
8. Crying for no reason.
Sadness is not your option in a Nigerian home.
9. Not shedding adequate amount of tears when you get flogged.
Because only stubborn goats chest cane.
10. Collecting gifts from visitors with open arms.
You must say âAh no, thank youâ while looking out for your motherâs side eye before even dreaming of collecting any gift.
11. Being too happy or excited.
You should always be in a state of solemnness.
12. Looking your parents in the eye when they speak to you.
Your eyes must be fixated on the floor.
13. Looking away from your parent’s face while they’re speaking to you.
Youâve started growing wings abi?
14. Singing right after you got scolded for something wrong you did.
You canât sing away your sorrows.
15. Buying what you feel like eating with your lunch money.
How dare you spend your twenty Naira lunch money on something other than the salt and pepper biscuits your parents love so much?
16. Sitting while elders stand.
Because, only elders have the right to rest their behinds.
17. Fighting with your agemate and winning.
Why did you fight?
18. Fighting with your peers and losing.
Does he have two heads?
19. Eating at your neighbour’s house.
Eating free food from your kind neighbour is a taboo.
