Once upon a time, I recapped an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity. The article’s popularity made me turn my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To“, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc) and recap them for your pleasure.

Today’s book is titled, “Breaking The Yoke And Curse Of Alcoholism In The Life Of Christian”.

The author starts with throwing the line, “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic”, at the reader, which I imagine would be super depressing for a recovering alcoholic looking through this book for help. He also says that the real reason people with drinking problems struggle with it their whole lives is because of EVIL SPIRITS.

i DiD nOt SeE tHaT cOmInG!

According to the author, your consumption of alcohol (and that of your ancestors) prepares a studio apartment in your soul for the many demons on their way to set up camp.

Translation: Because alcohol problems are a result of evil spirits, attempting sobriety without a full-on deliverance session as elaborate as the Broadway production of Phantom Of The Opera will end with the person falling further down the demonic rabbit hole of alcoholism.

Um…chile…anyway, let’s move on to the next chapter.

“If you see any person or people smoking cigarettes or marijuana or hemp or cocaine, any kind of thing smokable — usually, it’s not their fault, it is the witches who are the cause of such evil works.“

That’s the line that starts this chapter.

So this is how the witches do their thing. If a person they want to destroy is too spiritually strong for them, they attack by tempting the person with drugs to smoke à la weed, crack, crystal meth etc. When the person gives in, the witches will literally stuff the prosperity of the individual’s life in the joints, leading to the destruction of the person’s life. Also, smoking leads to this:

I was going to give the author props for being right about smoking causing illnesses but he went on to say that all those illnesses (lung cancer, heart disease, etc) are caused by witches so I just kept quiet .

Ladies and gentlemen, the 4 spirits listed above, according to this book, are the evil spirits who check into the soul of any human who consumes alcohol. I would describe how they work but this is a thing y’all have to read for yourselves.

To ensure that a person stops hearing word, the author says that witches stuff a person’s ears with “thick cotton wool soaked in palm oil”. This is why he insists a deliverance session is needed to attain sobriety.

This is followed by a list of bible verses that are supposed to be reasons why people shouldn’t drink alcohol but I mentally checked out of the book because Jesus turned water into wine that one time at a wedding.

So…