The story of Nigeria has produced its fair share of landmark, victorious and experiences.

In the centre of it all are its citizens, who through bated breath and wide eyes have watched the best and worst of the drama that is Nigerian life, play out.

Capturing the zeitgeist of some of Nigeria’s most notable moments, we sat down with seven Nigerians to relay their feelings and mindsets during the wake of these happenings.

Nigeria’s Independence, 1960

In the weeks leading up to the October 1 1960, I must have spat out the phrase- Independence Day at least 4 times every hour.
This wasn’t due to some special kind of patriotism, although I can argue it was in its nascent form, but due to the fact that my then 7-year old self was scheduled to march in one of the many parades of the day.
October 1st finally came through with a feeling of victory and anticipation in the air. I look back on it now and it still feels so surreal. We were all so very hopeful. – Orazulike

Nigeria gained independence from British colonialists on October 1st, 1960.

Nigeria missing out on the world cup in 1994

You know how people tell you they have days they can never forget, I’ll put Nigeria’s 1994 loss up there with the birth of my three children and wedding day, just don’t ask me to rank them. I’ll very much like to keep my marriage and family intact
On July 5th, 1994, I was seated directly infront of my friend, now late – Jerry’s televisionset in Gbagada. He was to my left, while I was flanked on the right by Rotimi my brother. I won’t get into the specifics of our emotions during the duration of the game, but I will reveal that there were three grown men, in a boys-quarters at Tunde Hassan with very wet eyes when Baggio scored the winning goal for Italy. – Babajide

1994 saw Nigeria’s first ever qualification to participate in the world cup. The Super Eagles team of 1994 lost a chance to qualify for the quarter-finals after losing 2-1 to the Italians at extra time.

General Abacha’s death – 1998

I had just turned four, so my memory of the events are a little foggy. But what I can’t ever forget is watching from the verandah of our two-story home as cars, seemingly with no destination in sight, honked with celebratory flags attached to their sides and people congratulating themselves on the end of a ‘General’, and throwing in my puerile shouts of congratulations at passers-by on the street.

I didn’t understand the import of his passing until several years later. It will always be jarring to me how much pleasure a person’s passing can have on literally millions of people. – Abimbola

General Sani Abacha served as a Nigerian dictator between 1993 and his passing in 1998. The circumstances of his passing have been the subject of a number of controversies.

The 2002 Ikeja bomb blast

When I heard the first blast go off, I was seated in the guest toilet, wondering who had the guts to slam the entrance door so loudly with both my parents in. When the sounds persisted, I rushed out to discover the root, only to see the entirety of my family, huddled together in our sitting room, wondering whether or not a drive to a safer part of the state was a smart option. We all decided against it and fearfully waited out the blasts in complete silence.

It was 17 years ago, but I’ll never forget sitting in a haphazard circle with my family and wincing at every blast in silence, for fear of alarming the next person. – Shalom

The 2002 Ikeja bomb blast occured on January 27, 2002 – when a fire spread into the munitions base of the military cantonment. It led to the loss of about a thousand lives and the displacement and homelessness of a thousand more.

Yar’adua’s passing – 2010

I was 16 at the time and fancied myself to be a psychic of sorts. While speculations were rife during the period, as to whether or not our president was recuperating in a hospital in Saudi Arabia or had indeed passed, I was certain it was the latter, but made sure to keep my suspicions inward.
I got the news of his passing on my way to school, a humid morning on the 5th of May 2010. A day of mourning was declared and workers were told to take the day off.

My original elatedness at missing first period of Mathematics was soon replaced by the processing that a life had been lost and sadness that a family was to have to do without its patriach from then onwards. – Tiwalade

President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua was Nigeria’s 13th president. He passed away on May 5th, 2010 after a protracted battle with acute pericarditis.

The Naira tanking in value – 2016

I don’t remember the exact day the dollar doubled in its value to the naira, but I do remember the ripple effects. In 2016, I was in my second year of a Professional Flight Management Course in the United States. Almost overnight, all of my fees had doubled. Without a worker’s permit to supplement my parent’s efforts, I decided to take a year off to take some of the load from my parents.

It’s been three years, and I currently have a thriving catering business in Lagos. While I still nurse hopes of returning to flight school, it most likely won’t happen. I’m learning to be okay with it. – Olaolu

In February of 2016, the Naira devalued from ₦ 150 to a whopping ₦ 315 to one Dollar, greatly impacting the everyday lifestyle of the average Nigerian.

Outbreak of Ebola -2016

I was in my third year of University when ebola crossed the borders Nigerian borders and struck new chords of fear into Nigerian hearts.

Like many Nigerians students at the time, I couldn’t for the life of me understand why classes were permitted to continue, especially as rumours of new outbreaks were rife at the time. In the end, I had become a class missing, physical contact avoiding, glove wearing hermit and was tearfully happy when it was announced that the outbreak had been contained. –  Ibrahim

The ebola virus was introduced to Nigeria on July 20th, 2014, when a Liberian – Patrick Sawyer flew into Lagos while infected. The virus was contained through the valiant efforts of Mrs Stella Adadevoh of the First Consultant Hospital.

Where were you when these events occurred?

On April 18th 2019, President Buhari did the damn thing and signed the 30 000 minimum wage bill into law. Nevermind that this bill is coming in 3 years too late from the earmarked review period of 2016; we have a new minimum wage — glory to the highest.

To understand what all the fuss is about, let’s have a little understanding of what constitutes a minimum wage.

The Minimum wage.

The minimum wage is the lowest remuneration an employer can pay workers, as permitted by the laws of the land.

Ideally, what this means is, every working citizen of the state, while encouraged to receive a monthly income above the stated wage, should not, by law — have a take-home salary less than the minimum wage.

As seen with Nigeria’s recent feat, It becomes necessary to review a minimum wage, as the cost of living and inflation are put into consideration. Nigeria’s minimum wage review period is every five years.

Now, while Nigerians everywhere are lauding the president on the feat of a  30,000 minimum wage, which, can we just add translates to about  1000 a day, here are a few truths you’re going to have to keep at the back of your mind.

Sorry private sector workers, this kind of doesn’t apply to you.

It’s not you, it’s the government. Despite the minimum wage experiencing exponential leaps since the very first wage fix of  125 in 1981, to ₦250 in 1989, then ₦3000 and subsequent rises, the private sector has somehow always been excluded from the wage increase narrative.

This is due to the failure of the government to impose sanctions on private businesses that fail to comply with the wage limits.

It doesn’t matter that only private sector businesses with less than 50 employees and those employed on a part-time basis being exempt from wage requirements, as stipulated by the Minimum National Wage Act of 1999, the majority of private sector workers will remain at the mercy of their employers where minimum wage comes in, unless stricter measures are put in place to govern monthly pay.

Informal workers, that means you too.

Seeing as the informal sector of Nigeria remains largely unregulated, the same goes for their pay structures.The minimum wage might, by mouth alone apply to working Nigerians, but someone must not have informed the government that bricklayers and plumbers make the cut, because their pay remains largely exempted from this pay rise.

Actually, you might want to check your state before you applaud the new minimum wage.

This is because for states that aren’t Lagos, Rivers, Akwa Ibom and maybe Anambra,  there has been widely publicised difficulty in meeting the wage requirements.

While 2011 saw the implementation of the ₦18,000 minimum wage, about 27 states have found it consistently difficult to pay the salaries. Last year alone, states like Osun, Oyo and even the National Assembly embarked on strike actions to pay salaries that translated to about ₦600 per day.

How these same states will find resources to shell out ₦30,000 to pay salaries is a mystery we’ll have to watch unfold.

But for the lucky few…

For those in states that will be able to  pay out the stated amounts, while you will not be able to live in Yahaya Bello’s mansion, or have a living room big enough to house a car like Dino Melaye, at least you will be  fulfilling the president’s wishes of living within your means. Nothing like surviving on 1000 a day, plus tithe, Zakat, feeding, clothing and housing to whittle your needs to the barest minimum.

Thanks Nigeria.

Now, this is a story all about how, Alamieyeseigha’s life got twisted and turned upside down, and I’d like you to take a moment and just sit right back, I’ll tell you how he became the cross-dressing king of Yenagoa.

Between 1999 and 2005, Diepreye Solomon Peters Alamieyeseigha served as the first  democratically elected Governor of Bayelsa State with an almost singular motivation — the thorough re-purposing of the Bayelsa state treasury into a personal checking account.

His flagrancy in looting the state blind garnered international infamy and a momentous, yet embarrassing brush with drag. The extremely unfortunate and frankly mortifying incident of Alamieyeseigha, a sitting Nigerian governor, donning the garb of a woman to avoid arrest for money laundering in 2005 is one for the books, and in our books, we’ll be examining the whole mess in four fairly parts.

Almaieyeseigha’s Tenure As Governor

The first 100 days in office are a pivotal time in a Governor’s administration. It is a period much talked about during campaigns and one filled with actions that set the pace for the entirety of their tenure in office.

For Alamieyeseigha, this first 100 days were no different. Belying increased welfare or whatever campaigning spiel was adopted in 1999, he began earnest  work on the real focus of his administration — himself. By September 21, 1999,  barely three months into his tenure, Alamieyeseigha had incorporated the eponymous Solomon & Peters Company in the British Virgin Islands — a perfectly normal sounding organisation, whose sole mission was to serve as a conduit between the state treasury and the realisation of Alamieyeseigha’s most luxurious dreams.

As though purchased with monopoly money, the Governor began the acquisition of properties as fast as state allocations and oil ministry revenue would allow.

His Loot And The First Signs of Trouble.

At the count of six years from  the start of his tenure, Alamieyeseigha’s possessions portfolio included a  house on Water Gardens in London purchased for £1.75 million in 2003; a house at Mapesbury Road, London purchased for £1.4 million in 2001; a flat in Jubilee Heights, Shoot Uphill, London, purchased for £241,000 in October 1999 weeks after Solomon & Peters was incorporated; and a property on Regent’s Park Road, London, purchased in July 2002 for the sum of £3 million.

He also had a smattering of properties in the United States, as seen in his  504 Pleasant Drive, King Farm Estate in Maryland, USA with another on Aurora Crest Drive Whither, California. Also a property in South Africa worth an estimated $1 million as at 2005, as well as a refinery in Ecuador.

His  account balances also racked up millions, with £1.9 million in a Royal Bank of Scotland account, under the name of another sham registered company – Santolina, of which he served as sole director and signatory. Another sum of $1.6 million in the Bank of America as at 2003.

By 2005, Alams, the man with immense power and now increased wealth, realised — what better way to complete the trifecta than an improvement on his  looks. Picking a centre in Germany, he underwent a tummy tuck procedure to counter the gut that threatened to stain and strain his white.

While he was having his bout with Narcissus, and the world had its sights set on Livingstone Church and the Indonesian earthquake — the British government was side-eying the Nigerian Governor, who seemed to have chosen British shores and not the state of Bayelsa, to spend the state’s federal allocations and stash his ill-gotten and bountiful wealth.

Following a raid on one of his properties in the United Kingdom, the British authorities discovered the sum of  $1.2 million in cash, which was promptly impounded, also seizing $2.7 million in a bank account at the Royal Bank of Scotland and $15 million in London real estate.

As the icing on the cake, the British authorities didn’t allow Alamieyeseigha the immediate pleasure of flouting his beach bod for all to see, as he was arrested in September 2005, at Heathrow Airport while returning from surgery in Germany, on allegations of money laundering and fraud.

The Great Escape

Preparatory to a trial to answer to the money laundering allegations; the Brtish government forgot they were dealing with a real South-South boy, and granted him bail with certain restrictions, which included the seizure of his passport. It was during this period that a plan was hatched by the Governor to explore his feminine side and capitalise on it to escape the British authorities.

Sometime in December 2005, Alamieyeseigha — using the cover of his new look brought on by weight loss, snuck out of the UK,  maybe decked in a gele, probably with a little highlight and contour on and perhaps with a blonde bob wig on; we’ll never really know, and never stop speculating about. He forfeited a £1.25 million bail bond by doing so.

While no one will say for sure how Alamieyeseigha was able to escape the eagle eye of the UK for Nigeria, word on the street has it that he may have taken a Eurostar train from London to Paris and then flown to Douala, a port city in Cameroon neighbouring Nigeria, where a speedboat took him home, possibly wearing heels.

Alamieyeseigha’s Life Post-Drag.

Following a heroic welcome to his home state, where thousands lined the street to usher him home; the Bayelsa State House of Assembly thankfully saw the wrong in allowing his continued service as Governor, impeaching him on December 2005.

Having been stripped of his immunity through impeachment, he was promptly arrested by the EFCC on December 9th, 2005, on charges of money laundering.

Two years after his arrest, he pleaded guilty before a High Court of Nigeria, to six charges of money laundering; for which he was sentenced to two years in prison each, on July 37, 2007.

However, as the sentences were to run concurrently, and time was counted from the point of his arrest in 2005, mere hours after being taken to prison, Alamieyeseigha was released due to time already served.

And if that wasn’t lucky enough, his former Deputy, the then President of Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan granted him a most undeserving state pardon in 2013, which was supposedly granted to promote peace in the Niger Delta. Right.

However, Nigerians may forgive and allow a governor convicted for money laundering, donate ₦3 million to the Akassa Foundation, but the British surely do not forget.

Which is why around  October 5th 2015, the British Government requested that Alams  be extradited to answer to the money laundering case, for which he jumped bail back in 2005, a whole ten years prior.

But would you know it, just a few days after reports of the United Kingdom requesting his extradition made rounds, Alamieyeseigha passed on to the great beyond, owed to complications from high blood pressure and diabetes.

Now a lot of aspersions were cast on the truthfulness of his death, but would anyone be so desperate for freedom, they’d we willing to try anything? Especially an action so dramatic? We’ll let you think on it.

Congratulations, you’ve made it to the Nigerian big leagues! Whether serving as a governor’s deputy or a local government chairman, no longer will anyone be able to make even a whisper of your name without the very dignified prefix of ‘Honourable’, ‘Excellency’ or ‘My Lord’ if your subjects are feeling particularly subservient.

And while yes, you will put in the requisite work and spend hour after ungodly hour deliberating and acting on processes to make lives better, at least you’ll do so with the very important perk of going home traffic-free. Do you know how well loud sirens a 16-person motorcade work against regular people stuck in third mainland traffic and its inter-state relatives? A Nigerian politician never wait, least of all in lowly traffic. Congratulations again!

Now, while you undoubtedly got read the riot act detailing the many processes and nuances of your office; one thing no one ever quite prepares you for is the incident of a disaster – whether national or in your locale. Unfortunately, Nigeria has had many run-ins with scenarios of this sort, so here is a repository of actions to guide you, dignified Nigerian politician
—  in the event that disaster striker:

House of Assembly Member

So I have maybe good news for you buddy. Despite worsening the environment with bales and bales of campaign posters and spending some time in your community during campaign season, no one really knows your name, or your role, really. So feel free to lay low at any time of national disturbance, like say a building collapses in your ward or a plane worryingly crash-lands in the area you represent; your best bet is to lay low and have the big boys i.e President and Governor send in messages of light (more on this shortly) in your stead. Aren’t you the luckiest?

Local government chairman

Like your colleague, the house of representatives member; feel free to lay low until such a time as is absolutely necessary. As it currently stands, should a local incident occur to rile up the community, like the recent spate in police killings, chances are the first stop of the people will be  the traditional ruler in the area, as opposed to you, who was supposedly popularly elected to hold office.

In the event that you do get called upon to act; simply put a statement out expressing your deepest sympathies, make no real effort at correcting the issue and wait until the whole situation blows over. Again, you’re welcome.

Governor

See, you made one too many campaign jingles and had your face pasted on too many parts of the state to not be the first point of call in a state-wide disturbance. Here’s what you do: show up to the scene in your crispest of shirts, sleeves rolled up with your most somber expression. Then be sure to have at least 3 photo-ops of you pointing into the distance at a vague, nondescript thing. Get these things right because you have just one shot at doing, seeing as you’ll probably be making only one highly publicised visit to the disaster zone in question.

Absolutely make no reforms to ensure disaster doesn’t strike a second time — like say putting measures in place to make sure buildings that collapse before completion are eradicated through appropriate safety permits are duly collected or putting welfare systems in place to make sure people don’t have to live in fire hazards hanging over water.

Nope, a little too much hard work. Just make sure to have the next shirt ironed.

President

Now, I need you to remember these four phrases, ‘thoughts and prayers’, ‘we strongly condemn’ and ‘hold you in our hearts’. You’ll be needing them the next time you have to fire out a tweet to your grieving Nigerian followers, when disaster strikes due to the abysmal conditions in the country. The next thing to do after sending those tweets out is to immediately have a committee set up, which will in turn set up a sub-committee to look into the disaster, before promptly forgetting about the whole incident altogether.

Should disaster strike when you’re in the midst of a campaign season, a separate approach will be taken. Please shut down whatever feelings gnaw at your heart, asking you to abandon 30 minutes of shaking party paraphernalia in the midst of a probably rented crowd, to personally empathise with victims in the affected region. That is of course, unless the site in question is a momentous swing state, then by all means dust your slippers and make to the affected state tout suite.

For international disasters, no disaster zone is too far, no commemorative event too distant to travel to show your concern to the victims. But make sure to pay much smaller mind to events of the same nature in your home country. Again, remember your key phrases the next time Biafra comes up and  forget the Aba Women’s Riot and its cohorts altogether, like your predecessors.

There you have it, your quick and easy guide to dealing with disaster as a Nigerian politician. Don’t thank me too much.