Citizen | Page 157 of 164

So, Who’s Making Africa Look Bad This Time?

When it comes to embarrassing the continent, there is no shortage of African leaders to lead the wave. From those willing to have the constitution perform several contortionist twists to stay in power.

You know, like these guys:

L: Yoweri Museveni (74) – currently serving his 34th year as Uganda’s President. R: Paul Biya (86) – serving his 36th year as Cameroon’s president.

To those that very easily sweep decades of women’s efforts to participate in politics as simply not enough.

Our Prez again…..👇 pic.twitter.com/ZQ7lTCpOMl
— Rockson-Nelson Dafeamekpor, Esq. MP. (@etsedafeamekpor) June 4, 2019

Yes, it would appear these leaders tend to get a kink out of sponsoring worldwide embarrassment to their respective countries. But, seeing as these leaders are chosen from a flock of citizens, there seems to be a struggle as to who can outdo the other for this privilege of constituting a national disgrace. Painting the continent in a truly terrible light, still very early in the month of June are the following people/organisations:

The Sudanese Military

Following the ouster of President Omar al-Bashir, Sudan’s thirty-year leader — who got the boot for imposing austerity measures like cutting fuel and bread subsidies to alleviate Sudan’s crippling economy; the military took over.
To ensure a peaceful transition period, citizen protesters under the umbrella of the group Alliance for Freedom and Change collaborated with the Transitional Military Council (current Sudanese leaders), with their talks resulting in a decision to have a three-year transition period to civilian rule.
Unsurprisingly, however, the military, as the current leaders of the country, reneged on their promise and announced a new election to be carried out within 9 months. A move particularly triggering to the people as it would simply be a front-door re-entry of past government officials into the corridors of power.

Dissatisfaction with the military’s decision led to a series of violent protests, in which protesters in Khartoum were killed and many maimed and injured in the process. The first day of a marked civil disobedience has already seen 4 people killed. All to have a say in the democratic rule of their country. A shame.

George Weah

Weah, who has been president of Liberia for all of 18 months, must have taken a master class on becoming an African dictator, seeing as only last week, he okayed the shut down of social media platforms across the country.

Now why would a young president do this? You many ask — well, you might tag it to be a big bout of a guilty conscience bent on silencing discontent, since his assumption of office has seen Liberia experience a gripping spike in inflation as well as a disappointing dip in the country’s growth. This has resulted in 64% of the country languishing below the poverty line.

Widespread protests against these circumstances and alleged widespread corruption like $102m newly minted notes miraculously going missing, made up the majority of the people’s grouse, which they took to social media to air.

In response to the mass protests, led by a group called “The Council of Patriots”, Weah stated: “If you think you can insult this president and walk in the street freely, it will not happen. And I defy you.” Must have had speed training on dictatorial-speak as well.

The National Broadcasting Commission

(Or whoever they’re really answering to)

Take back your clocks guys, it appears we’re headed back to 1984. The National Broadcasting Commission, you know, the same commission that banned Falz’s ‘This is Nigeria’ song for being ‘vulgar’ and ‘unfit for radio’, are swinging their largely polarized morality axe, this time taking a swing at AIT/Daar Communications.

This action was imperative due to the AIT’s programme – Kakaaki airing such hateful and inciting comments as ‘ Nigeria is irritating me’ and ‘Nigeria is cursed’ on a segment. On this ground, can somebody hide all Nigerian social media accounts from the NBC, because….

Also responsible is Daar Communications’ supposed sloppiness in paying their license fees, which only became an issue now of course.
Ditto their airing a documentary on the election petitions against President Buhari’s victory in the 2019 elections, an act the NBC states is wrong, as the courts are yet to decide a winner for the petitions. Make it make sense.

These were taken to be real life causes to warrant a media ban in 2019. What good has press freedom ever given anyone, anyway?

Luckily, a court upeneded the NBC’s decision, and AIT is back on air. But that this even had to happen, ridiculous.

Abacha

Geberal Sani Abacha has been dead and gone since 1998, so pray tell, how this man is still dropping credit alerts in the hundreds of millions to Nigerian accounts every couple of years?

Proving African leaders are pioneers in the art of looting, the sum of £211 million pounds, belonging to money bags Abacha was recently discovered in a United States Jersey account, held by Doraville Properties Corporation, a British Virgin Islands Company.

Do all of these leaders read from the same playbook?

Boyin Plumptre

June 10, 2019

Citizen

Biya, Military, Museveni, NBC, Sudan
What’s Your Local Government Chairman’s Name?

Let’s make it easy. Don’t stress about his full government name, what is his last name? Or just his first. Would you recognise him if he walked up to you, handing over some money to support his second term dreams? Chances are, the answer is most likely no.

This is despite the visual assault that is campaigning in Nigeria. He probably had hundreds and hundreds of posters, emblazoned clearly with his name and party, giving variations of that godawful index finger under the chin politician’s pose, spread across every available square inch available on the street corner.

You know the one.

But did that equate to anyone having the foggiest who his dad is? That’d be a big nope.

This is despite the Local government being the arm of government charged with listening to first hand accounts of how inoperative street lights completely ruin the vibe for night time PDAs .

Same goes for our esteemed spokespersons over at the House of Representatives. Save those whose varying governmental roles yielded little to no impact, but whose ubiquity made it such that their names and faces are involuntarily ingrained, how many representatives can you name off the top of your head?

4 years in and out, we’re saddled with a bunch of nameless, faceless politicians, who artfully con their way into hefty salaries and allowances. Ideally, they should be cussing out the head-hunchos over at the federal levels, on behalf of those that voted them into power. But the gag is, for people we voted into power, well, we don’t know them.

Now we might be used to Nigeria being a country of walking contradictions, but some things really do take the cake. How is it that your charge is to be kept abreast of matters directly concerning the community, but somehow the majority of your constituents cannot tell you apart in a line up of 5 random pot-bellied men?

How do you claim to represent my interests when the only times I get to see you are those weird months towards the start of elections when you need to commission the umpteeth borehole project of the last five administrations?

The utter uselessness of these institutions becomes apparent when communities would rather bandy together to whip up vigilante security teams, where threats arise, than seek any resolution form the Local Government chairman, whose literal job it is to make sure communal life is as seamless as is possible.

It becomes doubly apparent when buildings collapse, or airplanes crash, or real life police officers go on citizen hunting rampage and representatives of said area are nowhere to be found.

Now, if you fall into the no doubt over-capacity boat filled with people completely clueless as to the identities of their local government chairmen and representatives, I’m here to tell you there’s absolutely nothing to be bashful about. You’re merely keeping up with their non-committal energies. I love a good gbas gbos.

Boyin Plumptre

June 6, 2019

Citizen

chairman, house of reps, Local government, Representatives
Remember That Time Kaduna Teachers Sucked At Primary School Math?

You’re eight. Yet to suffer the indignity of a fellow student politely asking that you slide out dubs wedged between their ass crack during the nerve wracking JAMB examination (true story). Or needlessly having to learn the many ‘rax’es of a cockroach for WAEC. Oh no, your biggest worry is maneuvering the many shaped world of Quantitative and Verbal reasoning textbooks. But — imagine you couldn’t even manage that; not owed to any real shortcoming of yours, but rather because your teacher at the time, took the ‘teaching’ portion of their job description to be a passing suggestion, rather than the mandate it very clearly is.

For the hapless students of Kaduna State, which had a whopping 21 780 teachers fail to pass a Primary 4 level competency examination in 2017, this was no doubt their reality.

What.In.The.Hell.Happened?

According to Governor Nasir El-Rufai, the state, in partnership with the Nigerian Union of Teachers, decided to evaluate the competency of public school teachers. They just wanted to make sure those charged with making sure the formative years of young minds aren’t completely shot to rubbish, were actually capable of doing so.

33 000 teachers were tested. But rather than give grown teachers, I don’t know, anything but pre-pubescent level questions to answer, the state government decided to test their reasoning skills, using questions that ideally, shouldn’t have phased a regular reasoning Primary 4 pupil.

As it turned out, my estimation was a little too presumptuous, as 66% of the teachers failed to get at least 75% in the test questions posed.

You need to understand that these teachers actually headed classes, and gave tests and somehow also wondrously set examination questions for students year in and out. By failing to hit that 75% floor, the reality is, even they couldn’t manage an A in classes they were personally handling.

How.In.The.World.Was.This.Possible?

Well, proving there is no where Nigeria’s three headed nepotism monster won’t rear its ugly head, the appointment of the Kaduna State primary school teachers had for a time, been a largely politicised affair. With sorely unqualified individuals posing as teachers, answers like these were only to be expected:

Understandably, this led to the dismissal of the erring teachers. All 21 780 of them.

The People’s Response

Far as I’m concerned, anything less than symbolically asking for the heads of the teacher- hiring committees or whoever was directly responsible for their appointments, was an undeserving response to the situation.

But would you know it, that expectation was a little too lofty for how things really played out.

Earlier on, it was mentioned that the competency examination was carried out in conjunction with the NUT. This body, somehow operating under the missguided notion that individuals unable to properly list the three states of matter were teachers, withdrew support for their mass dismissal.

According to the Chairman of the State Council of the NUT, Audu Amba, their withdrawal was based on the fact that 60% was taken to be the cut-off mark and not 75%. Somehow they thought saying this out loud sounded intelligent.

Also vocal about his displeasure at the teacher’s dismissal, Senator Shehu Sani, whose well-educated children would probably mistake a public-school classroom for an above-ground dungeon of sorts, decried the sack of the near illiterate teachers, citing it as “the height of lunacy”.

He also had this to say about the situation: “Incompetence is not a reason but an excuse to sack thousands of teachers owed salaries for months”. This sentiment was shared by a host of other people.

What Happened Afterwards?

I want to say the state hired more competent teachers and the primary school students read their times tables and lived happily ever after, but this story is yet to have a happy ending.

To deal with the mass exodus of about 22 000 teachers, the state government resolved to employ 25 000 teachers in batches, to replace them.

In April of 2018 however, following the recruitment of 15 897 teachers, the government was forced to sack 4 562 of them, following their failure to write out a decent acceptance letter.

Guess we should be grateful they hadn’t magically discovered internet templates in the year of the Lord, 2018. They had found their ways into the state government’s service through dubious means, as the State Commissioner for Education, Alhaji Ja’afaru Sani stated.

The remainder of 11,335 teachers which included degree and master-degree holders, were deployed to 4 000 schools.

In December of 2018, the State Government recruited an additional 13 606 teachers to make up the 25 000 teachers required to turn the State’s education system around.

Here’s hoping we’ve heard the last of incompetent teachers in Kaduna State.

Boyin Plumptre

June 4, 2019

Citizen

examination, Kaduna, nepotism, sack, Teachers
Zamfara Doesn’t Need An Airport, WYD Bello?

In the most ideal of settings, Zamfara state would be bathed in the red of neon lights signifying the state of emergency in the majority of its sectors.

In Oxford University’s Multidimensional Poverty Index Data Bank of 2017, Zamfara State had a 92% poverty ranking, making it the poorest state in the north and the whole of Nigeria.

Its literacy rate, at 19%, fails to scratch even a quarter of a pass mark of a thriving education sector, with Almajiris constituting a great proportion of its child population, and a 46.3% primary school completion rate.

In more good news, its 1,869,377 population, with a Maternal Mortality Rate at 1 100 deaths per 100 000, has at last count, a whopping two tertiary hospitals to cater to the healthcare needs of its citizenry. Zamfara also takes notice as the state with the least Early Childcare Development (ECD) centres in Nigeria.

To top things off, the state also has the worst insecurity problem in North West Nigeria.

Which is why, it is only logical that the first point of call for its newly elected Governor – Bello Matawalle is the construction of an airport in the city capital – Gusau. This project, so imperative, will supposedly take off within the first one hundred days of his office.

You know, so the citizens of the state, the dominant majority of whom can barely afford the very basics of a dignified life, can saunter into the airport and jet of to holiday destinations of their choosing.

It’s irrelevant that Zamfara State is surrounded to by Sokoto State, which has an already developed airport, whose travel time is 0.16 hours between both states. And also by Katsina State, with its state airport, with a travel time of 0.19 hours — making this expenditure, largely unnecessary at best, and grossly pre-mature at worst.

It should be noted that this airport, despite all other standing impediments in the state, wasn’t freshly conceived by Governor Matawalle. The brainchild of Governor Mamuda Shinkafi, this airport has been included in budgetary estimates and proposals for about 10 years.

To be fair, however, someone must have gotten an early look into the opening paragraph of this here article, as the administration headed by Governor Matawalle has begun moves in earnest, promising free healthcare to women and children in the state. As well as states of emergency on education, security and energy in the states. But then again, Nigeria’s education sector has been under a state of emergency since November 2018, so are states of emergencies really working out for us?

It isn’t presumptuous to suggest that whatever amount is to be expended on this airport, would be much better spread across sectors that are in the direst need of development. Putting measures in place to make sure your citizens can compete on a national level (for starters) is most imperative.

Let’s leave overpriced airport food and bribe-soliciting airport officials to a time in the future, when school children doubling as alms-seekers aren’t a given part of the landscape of your state.

Boyin Plumptre

June 3, 2019

Citizen

Airport, Almajiri, zamfara state
Have Questions About The Inauguration? Well, So Do We!

Since time immemorial, well 1999 actually — Nigeria has celebrated its escape from pasty colonialists and military berets with a grand Democracy Day celebration. This day is usually characterised with a much needed public holiday, parades and the inauguration of successful candidates in the year’s elections.

May 29th, 2019 was no different, only it kind of was. Tuning things a little south of regularly scheduled Democracy Day programming, we couldn’t help but ask a couple of much-needed questions:

1.Wait, what were we celebrating again?

So, May 29th is no longer recognised as Democracy Day. Instead, it is now the day set aside to mark the transition into a new government. June 12th will now stand as Democracy Day, to commemorate the fairest election Nigeria ever held. But fret not, you’ll still get a break. Perhaps guilt-ridden by how hard things are in Nigeria, the federal government has set the day aside for yet another public holiday! Aren’t we the luckiest.

2. What was in Buhari’s bag?

His flight itinerary for his next two holidays, sorry official visits? The speech he didn’t give to us on May 29th? Perhaps it’s a metaphor, ‘another presidential bag secured’. Guess we’ll never know.

3. And speaking of that speech… What happened there?

Always one to switch things up, President Buhari broke a long standing tradition that sees newly sworn in presidents, address the nation on inauguration day. Why he chose to break tradition, we don’t know. Perhaps he thought this would suffice. Well, he thought wrong.

4. Any takers on what the officer had to tell Oshiomole to leave the stage?

Adams Oshiomole just dey be🤣🤣🤣🤣 pic.twitter.com/nT8OHdUgoH
— Káyọ̀dé Ògúndámisí 🇳🇬 (@ogundamisi) May 29, 2019

“You sef look, do you see any other Safari suits on this line?”

“Were you not at rehearsals yesterday? Make like Beyonce and move it to the left… or right, whatever. Just go”.

5. Where was Ambode?

Conspicuously missing from Sanwo-Olu’s inauguration was no other than the outgoing governor of Lagos State, Governor Akinwunmi Ambode. Was he taking time off to recover from the damage 4 years of waist training might have done? Was he relishing in not having to suck belle to make shirt fine? None of that it would appear, he just didn’t want to steal any of Sanwo’s spotlight with his dashing figure. How kind.

6. This was a day before, but what was the drama between Amosun and Abiodun?

ICYMI, for the handover program, Governor Amosun sent his SSG to represent him, while the incoming governor, Dapo Abiodun sent his Deputy-elect — Engineer Noimot Oyedele-Salako to receive the formal handover. What’s with the beef guys?

7. Very importantly, why was Gowon the only former head of state present at the inauguration?

If a row was set aside for former heads of states, things would have been real lonely over there. No Obasanjo, not a peep from Shonekan; the only person Pres Bubu had to share jokes about having to run Nigeria with was no other than Gowon. Where did the love go?

Boyin Plumptre

May 30, 2019

Citizen

democracy day, inauguration day, President
“I’m I A Yahoo Boy?”- Solomon Dalung?

When you think about Solomon Dalung, a number of things probably come to mind:

A Che Guevara enthusiast and cosplayer.

A culturally non-binary fella.

And then, of course, Our Honourable Minister of Sports.

One thing that might not be immediately apparent, is a dark side we’ve all been mostly shielded from. Our Sports Minister might be a low-key Yahoo-boy, seeing as for the past two years, his ministry has failed to refund $130 000 erroneously sent to the Athletics Federation of Nigeria (AFN), which would you believe? He authorised to have spent!

The Beginning

It all started when, out of their obligation as the governing body of the sport of athletics, the International Association of Athletics Foundation (IAAF) pledged the sum of $20 000 for the 2017 Warri Relays and Confederation of Athletics Athletics Grand Prix which held on July 18th, 2017.

Unfortunately for the federation, they made a most dangerous mistake with Nigerians, one they are still paying for two whole years after. They erroneously forwarded $150 000 to the AFN, $130 000 more than was pledged, on March 17th, 2017. An error which Jee Isram (a Senior Manager at the IAAF) claimed had been brought to the attention of the AFN as early as March 18th, 2017 – with appeals that the excess be promptly returned.

Double unfortunate for the body, corrupt Nigerian ears tend not to work properly once money is involved, so this has more or less been the body’s reaction since appeals have been made for the sum to be returned:

What happened to the money?

According to an anonymous former board member of the AFN, the athletics federation was operating under the assumption that the IAAF had simply increased their pledge to the Warri Relays.

Because it is completely plausible that the IAAF suddenly developed a beer- belly and transformed into a benevolent Nigerian uncle, dishing out funds in excess of what was promised.

Anyway, when the money came, the AFN Secretary- Amaechi Akawo (as claimed by the anonymous source), brought $40 000 to the body, with the remainder of $110 000 being approved by the Sports Minister – Solomon Dalung to be spent on ‘certain projects’

What these projects were, well, your guess is as good mine.

Please give us back our money- IAAF

The IAAF, after promptly informing the AFN of its error back in 2017, has engaged in several measures to reclaim its money.

In November 2017, the IAAF, following several written correspondences, held a meeting with the AFN, where it was requested that the excess amount be reversed via a bank transfer, but that didn’t work.

On June 28, 2018, the AFN informed the IAAF that 50% of the amount was ready to be refunded, but again, their appeals went to voice mail.

Again, in August 2018, officials of the IAAF, while visiting Asaba, met with the Minister of Sports – Solomon Dalung and his Permanent Secretary, where the return of the funds was discussed and still, nothing happened.

Well now, they’re over it! Fully about that violent taketh by force life, the IAAF is coming with sanctions and a threat to ban Nigeria from further competitions, unless what is owed is paid promptly.

“We don’t do that here” – Solomon Dalung.

Mr. Dalung, who has only a few weeks left before he steps down and is essentially the reason for the deadline, doesn’t want to hear any of it though.

Speaking at the 2019 Okpekpe Road Race held on May 25th 2019, he was one comment shy of refusing to release the funds as reparations for colonialism. Blaming everything from the IAAF’s disorderliness to a Nigerian blackmail agenda and even the near-denial that any mistakes were made at all, he made it abundantly clear this money wasn’t coming out of any pockets in the near future.

He also somehow rationalised spending ₦ 46,800,000 on a single day’s event, declaring that: ” the money was sent for the golden relays and it was done. Are they saying there were no golden relays? ”

Right!

Here’s Why This Is A Big Ass Scam.

And it’s a really simple one too.

Imagine your big uncle – who loves you and only wants the best for you – sends you ₦ 15 000 annually. For some reason, you get an alert for ₦ 1.5 million from this same uncle, do you:

a. Immediately alert him to the increase, while obviously steering clear of spending the excess? or

b. Ball TF out, clearing the money sent before his debit alert even hits?

I want to believe your answer is ‘a’, and if not, go stand in the naughty corner with Mr. Dalung over there.

The fact that Mr. Dalung has done anything but return the money (that he okayed to have spent), despite it being grossly in excess of what was promised just goes to re-inforce that our guy knew what he was doing, and went ahead to do it anyway.

With only a little bit left before he steps down, we wait to see if he will bear the blame for Nigeria being banned from foreign sporting events, or if he’ll take steps to wash clean the ‘419’ currently etching its way across his forehead.

Boyin Plumptre

May 27, 2019

Citizen
Salisu Buhari: Ain’t A Thing But Two Fake Degrees.

It might not seem like it, but there was once a time when news of forged certificates in Nigeria’s political hemisphere was a cause for surprise — such a time being as recent as 1999. In that year, Salisu Buhari, Nigeria’s Speaker of the House of Representatives, supposedly being the ripe old age of 36 for political office and riding the wave of a degree from the University of Toronto, as well as a completed NYSC programme, had the skies set as the limit for his political aspirations.

Only, he didn’t have a degree from the University of Toronto, chances are, he couldn’t tell the cafeteria from the convocation halls of the University, or any university for that matter. He also made up the story about participating in the NYSC programme and his age, yeah, he lied about that too.

A little about Mr. Salisu Buhari.

In 1999, Salisu Buhari was a Nigerian politician whose zeal to reach the top of his career was perhaps matched only by his gross disqualification to do so. Using little more than his status as the progeny of a First republic politician (Malam Salisu Buhari) and a bag of lies strong enough to make any Sunday school teacher blush, he made it to be the representative of the Nasarawa Constituency of Kano State under the PDP and shortly after that, the fourth Speaker of the House of Representatives; following Nigeria’s long stint with military rule.

Separating Truth from fiction.

At the time of his appointments, his birthday was officially listed as January 3, 1963. While his qualifications for contesting office stemmed from a Bsc in Business Administration from Toronto University, Canada in 1990, a diploma in Accounting from the Aminu Bello University – Zaria in 1988 and the completion of the NYSC Programme in 1991.

But as we now know, none of it was true.

We’re not sure, but Salisu Buhari might hold the record as the only Nigerian politician whose football age actually pushed him close to an early retirement. In actuality, he was born on January 3, 1970, one year younger than the constitutionally prescribed 30 year age-limit for members of the House of Representatives and 7 years younger than his publicised age.

His educational qualifications were also a long-winding sham. Despite gaining admission to ABU Zaria, he was withdrawn for falsifying his credentials, proof that his nasty habit of lying wasn’t newly sprouted. But perhaps most damning was the degree in public administration which must have materialised from thin air, as the University of Toronto certainly had no parts in it.

The Lies Fall Apart.

Perhaps bolstered by this mustache —

Mr. Buhari really thought he had a chance of faking his way into a completed tenure as the Speaker of the House of Representatives. However, on February 16, 1999; barely six weeks into his role as speaker, an investigative media outlet – The NEWS Magazine, decided enough was enough and published an exposé into the many lies of Mr Salisu; the likes of which Nigeria’s crop of leaders in 2019 could possibly do with.

In it, they set out to unequivocally prove that the only thing real about Mr Buhari was perhaps his impressive mustache (it is an impressive stache) and nothing more. Regarding his qualification from Toronto University, an official of the school – Carlo Villanueva was approached and quoted as saying no student by that name had been registered.

The veracity of his degree from Aminu Bello University was dispelled, and it was brought to the fore that his admission had been revoked for falsified credentials.

Also refuted were his claims to have completed the mandatory year-long NYSC program in the employ of Standard Construction, Kano. The NYSC had no record of his participation. He probably used Kemi Adeosun’s certificate plug.

Salisu Fights Back.

Like every guilty Nigerian man caught in a lie, Salisu Buhari began an overly-aggressive fight to prove his innocence; going so far as to sue the publication for libel in response to the claims made against him.

At this time however, an investigation had been instituted by the presidency under the office of the then National Security Adviser (NSA), General Aliyu Muhammad Gusau. Their findings led to the decision to prosecute Mr Buhari, a resolution which was forgone for his resignation, following the intervention of some notable Nigerians.

(Which would have been perfectly reasonable had it been a nuclear family matter in question and not the commission of a series of literal crimes, but Nigeria)

Buhari Bows Out.

On July 22, 1999, exactly 49 days after his election as speaker, Mr Buhari tendered his resignation on the floor of the House in letter which he read, complete with crocodile tears pon his irises.

This letter, read out loud unironically, contained such incredulous claims like : “I was led to error by the zeal to serve the nation.”

And the gutsier statement: “I trust therefore, that the nation will forgive me and give me another opportunity to serve.”

The unbelievable guts of these men.

His seat was filled by Alhaji Ibrahim Inuwa, who was allegedly placed there to merely keep the seat warm for Buhari’s cheeks to slide right back in, because Nigeria is apparently filled with mugs that wouldn’t notice or care it seems.

Luckily, their plan never came to fruition, despite Inuwa’s resignation on June 8, 2000.

What did he get up to afterwards?

As we all know, the Nigerian reward for political bad deeds is an elevation to better, more dignified places, and Mr Buhari is no exception.

Following a pardon for his disgraceful behaviour by President Olusegun Obasanjo; Salisu had the good sense to go into hiding and steered clear of politics to set up a company – Rumbu Nigeria Ltd in Kano State, where he remains the chairman.

Unfortunately, his hiatus didn’t last long, as he had pivotal roles to play in Yar’Adua’s campaign in 2007 and Goodluck Jonathan’s campaign in 2011.

In 2013, the Jonathan administration made him a member of the Governing Council of the University of Nigerian Nsukka, on the excuse that he had been pardoned and forgiven.

Is there a better lesson to show your children than a pardon and a half-assed apology is all you need to get by in Nigeria? Repercussions for your actions be damned. I think not.

Last we heard, Salisu Buhari was really learning the consequences of his actions, with a membership in VP Osibanjo’s board of the Nigerian Industrial Policy and Competitiveness Advisory Council.

Crime doesn’t pay? You must not know where to hang in West Africa.

Boyin Plumptre

May 21, 2019

Citizen

certificate, fake, fraud, Salisu Buhari
Would You Raise Your Children The Same Way You Were Raised?

If you had to explain Nigerian parenting styles, chances are the descriptions around civilian dictators, passive-aggression champions and flogging samurais would probably make the cut.

Now I can’t think of any one scenario where these features would be ideal, least of all when young and highly impressionable children are thrown into the mix, but somehow, these have been part and parcel of the Nigerian parenting handbook for years and years

Perhaps because Nigerian children have always turned out okay, or okay to the extent where we aren’t publicly losing our shit in public on a daily; but it just might appear that these styles work… or do they?

To know where hearts stand in the matter of Nigerian parenting styles, we asked five people if they would continue where their parents left off in raising children of their own.

“I have to say the strongest, most non-negotiable no” – Femi

I don’t want to outrightly say God forbid because there is a chance my parents get wind of this and call a family meeting on my head, but I have to say the strongest, most non-negotiable ‘no’ there is to that question.

Growing up, the minute my father came in through the door, in fact, the second we heard the double-beep honk that marked his arrival home, my siblings and I would use all of .2 seconds to turn off the television, clean up every sign that we were in the living room and make our way to our rooms. The fear was so real, I don’t recall ever sitting down with him to chat, beyond asking for school fees here and some additional money for expenses there. Mind you, these requests only happened when my mother absolutely refused to be the conduit between children and father. Of course, as I’ve gotten older, attempts have been made to forcibly create a relationship, but it’s too little, too late. I’m overly polite at best and completely uninterested in the conversation most times.

When I have children, best believe my primary goal is being their best friend, someone they can confide in and laugh with. Not someone who takes pride in children being unable to look him in the eye for the smallest requests.

“I would ask my parents to write a book” – Dorothy

I grew up in the most unconventional Nigerian home there ever was. This may have had a part to play with my mother being half-Sierra Leonian but it was the most loving, nurturing home there ever was. Rather than leaving the raising of their children to schools and parental hands alone, our home was always filled with trusted family and friends. We were always encouraged to ask questions, speak up against anything we considered wrong and were granted social and freedom at relatively young ages. If possible, I would ask my parents to write a book on how they managed to be so liberal as patients while somehow raising the most well rounded children, if I do say so myself.

“There are actually a number of places my parents got it wrong.” -Nsikan

The only thing I would take away from the way my parents raised me was how strict they were with religion. You would think they were on the left and right hands of Jesus while he was on the cross. No songs, clothings, television programs or events not sanctioned holy in their heads were allowed while I was growing up. And if you were the one responsible for somehow bringing the devil into the home, oh boy, you might actually prefer death. Honestly, I don’t like remembering those days too much.

There are actually a number of places my parents got it wrong, but this religion thing, definitely the first place I’d note.

“My mom has the whole thing down to a science” – Husseinah

I grew up with my mom, who can I add is an absolute rockstar. She single handedly raised strong headed twin girls, with only the barest of outside help. She taught us to cook, change tyres, haul a jerry can of petrol, man, if anyone needs some training on self-sufficiency, look no further than my mother. If there was something I could change about her parenting style, I can’t think of it. She has the whole thing down to a science, I’ll forever be indebted to her. – Victor

“I won’t be making their mistakes” – Victor

I didn’t grow up with my parents. I was one of those children that attended primary and secondary boarding schools. They’ve been relative strangers my whole life. Though this had more to do with them living in a different state from where my schools were. It has made it virtually impossible to have any relationship short of perfunctory checking in and birthday wishes.

I have a child now, perfectly precious and just learning to walk. I’m considering homeschooling him, I want to spend every waking moment with him. My obsession with my child makes things a little hard from their perspective, but I guess things happen like that sometimes. I won’t be making their mistakes however.

Boyin Plumptre

May 16, 2019

Citizen, General

choices, growing up, Parents
What Happens In The Murky Waters of Nigeria’s Federal Civil Service?

To get a better understanding of Nigerian life, we started a series called ‘Compatriots’, detailing the everyday life of the average Nigerian. As a bi-weekly column, a new installment will drop every other Tuesday of the month, exploring some other aspect of the Nigerian landscape.

In this, we checked in with a young Nigerian woman, currently navigating employment in Nigeria’s elderly civil service, and how personal reservations might not be enough to prevent her from slipping into the doldrums, characteristic of government service.

Illustration by Celia Jacobs

Before I started my job as a tier one officer of the federal government, there were three things I never compromised on: punctuality, efficiency and my zeal for self-improvement. These days, 6 months into my employ, you can catch me strolling into the office well past the 8am resumption deadline, freshly bought breakfast in hand; while signing in an arrival time of 7:45am regardless. I’m already counting down till 5 pm.

In the first two months of my employment, breakfast would have been followed with 30 scintillating minutes with the Most High and about 16 of my most zealous colleagues. What better way to begin the work day (one hour post- resumption) than with a well-attended morning fellowship? However, when one or two missed fellowships turned into stony “we missed you todays” and frosty stares from my co-workers, I abandoned communal worship for an early start to the Korean dramas that would keep me company throughout the day.

When you look at the Nigerian Civil Service, a practice like morning devotion or having junior colleagues serve as gofers isn’t exactly untoward, because it is run like one big Nigerian family. Its helm of affairs handled by individuals who vividly remember Nigeria’s struggle for independence, a high premium is placed on the most mundane things, like fawning over the boss upon his arrival (you’ve never seen arthritic joints move so fast!) or using the right title to address co-workers (‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’ is encouraged for junior workers relating with seniors). It’s almost hard to tell where the family meeting ends and the civil service begins.

What’s worse, this ‘family’ comes complete with its fair share of lecherous uncles. You know the ones. As the youngest member of my unit, I’ve had a sizeable amount of older (married) male colleagues, linger a little too long with eye contact and hand-holding, while inquiring how I’m settling in. Or giving downright uncomfortable shoulder rubs while asking if I’m faring okay with assigned tasks. The more brusque ones doggedly chase relationship possibilities and my availability to do so and so after office hours. All done with a flippancy so expert, you’d almost believe they were genuinely unaware of how inappropriate their actions ran. Except they do know, they all do.

Perhaps this familial leaning is also to be fingered for the hiring process favoured by the service. What is a qualification? Of what need is an impressive CV? You’d be hard-pressed to find any worker whose employment wasn’t courtesy some long leg or other. Till this day, I have no idea whether a mere application or an examination process is necessary to become employed by the Federal Government. Thanks to the good graces of a “connected” uncle, yours truly — a computer science graduate is somehow making things work as a glorified (and severely overpaid) administrative assistant.

I want to say I feel bad, contributing my quota to feeding Nigeria’s beast of a nepotism problem, but it’s hard to, when everyone from the tissue-supplier to the unit head, came in through a back door — it’s an accepted way of life here.

Perhaps as nature’s karma, I did get a temporary comeuppance. Placed in a department that simply had no vacancy or any real need for an additional worker, I was relegated to the very important role of simply observing the process and assisting the workers from time to time. It wasn’t until a colleague’s opportune maternity leave, three weeks after my employment, that I was given more responsibility to handle.

Now speaking of those three weeks, it was during this period I learnt two very important things in the service. One, they carry out transfers, a lot of them! Mostly arbitrary, but they can be punitive. You could be in Ogun State today and receive a transfer notice to resume work in Cross-River for next week. However, for women with the all-important ‘married’ title preceding their stations, there’s always the opportunity to refuse a transfer. But for men, married or no, likewise single people – no such luck.

The other thing I learnt was, the civil service is very much set in its ways. If you’ve ever visited a busy government office, you’d be hard pressed to miss the staggering amount of paper in use. From file contents, to internal memos and books for signing in customers and workers. It’s ridiculous.

Attempting to put my observation period to good use, I suggested in a carefully worded email to my unit head, simple ways electronic substitutes could save my department bales and bales of paper. This prompted a direction to print out the contents of the email (on more paper!) and an encouragement to keep up the good work. Last I saw of my plans, they had made the move from desk to a forgotten side-table to his left, gathering the very best servings of the day’s dust.

Ditto my attempt to organise the cavernous hell-hole that is my department’s filing room. When attempts to sort the first couple of files labeled ‘A’ in their right compartments were met with frequent disorganisation from my colleagues, I promptly developed a well-marketed allergy issue and my now problematic love-affair with Korean dramas, to fill up my idle hours.

Despite its shortcomings however, a job in the civil service is likely to remain a highly sought after affair. And it isn’t simply because its workers are prone to throwing professionally catered-to office birthday parties every other week (this really happens!). Or the fact that its salary package allows a way of life that gives a semblance of wealth — as my six-figure salary, complete with 13th-14th-month provisions, added bonuses and allowances have proven.

It’s all of that and a little more. Well, a lot more.

Remember I mentioned transfers being given as a punitive measure? This is sometimes meted out to workers who, using their station, fail to be discreet in cutting back- channel deals with customers. Note the keyword ‘discreet.’ It is a well-accepted way of life in government institutions, to cut deals in exchange for some special service rendered to members of the public. It even has its own name, but I’ll keep mum on that, I’ve been told different agencies have their specific terms for it.

These deals, with their propensity to make one’s monthly salary, from a mere week’s back-channeling, now serve as a driving force for aspiring workers and established employees alike. I’ve had NYSC workers ask me in confidence the best departments to work their entry into, simply on the basis of the best deals to get from their employ.

I’d like to say I’ve never participated in the act, but the service somehow makes you complicit in things you’d otherwise have no part of. I have received the occasional ₦5 000 – ₦ 10 000 in an envelope distributed to everyone in my 14-member department, courtesy a mega-deal struck by my department head, more times than I’d like to admit. I have even come to anticipate them.

However, I want to believe I’ll never actively seek these bribes out, there are limits I am not willing to cross. But then again, if you had told me I’d become a tardy, Korean-dramas-during- office-hours watching worker in just the first half of a year in my employ as a government worker, chances are, I’d have laughed in your face.

Boyin Plumptre

May 14, 2019

Citizen

citizen, civil service, compatriots, government
What’s The Tea on This Ganduje-Sanusi Drama?
You ever hear some of the things perpetuated by Nigerian leaders and think: “Well, you must have been a fun head prefect to cross?”

A Nigerian leader currently re-kindling adolescent nightmares and topping 2019’s “Most Arbitrary Use of Power list” is no other than the-one-who’s-agbada-must-not be-shaken, Abdullahi Umar Ganduje. Through truly interesting cartwheels of the powers vested in him by the Constitution, he might single-handedly be responsible for the watering down of the over 200 year-old caliphate currently headed by Emir Sanusi II due to a little thing commonly known beef.

What Caused This Beef?

Now, if you had to list three things about the 14th Emir of the Sokoto Caliphate, you’d probably mention three things.
1. His preference for bow-ties.
(Or former preference before this became his casual wear)

2. His diction, which is sound enough to make any Primary school teacher proud, and

3. His affinity for telling the truth as he sees it.

Now, regarding this love for the truth. Check him out here ripping Goodluck Jonathan a new one over $20 billion that went missing from the government coffers. And here, giving a proper left to Buhari over his economic policies.

Hardly one to discriminate, the Emir also routinely let it be known that he was no fan of the Governor within whose state, his Caliphate rested. A move which we all now know is likely responsible for damaging ripple effects to the empire.

Shots Fired.

A most noteworthy cause of their friction, however, is this video released in 2017.

In it, the Emir had choice words for a Governor who went to China to collect loans of $1.5 billion for a light rail, whereas his state had a learning institution deficit, with 3-5 million students out of school, saying:

“At the end of the day, what do you benefit from it? Your citizen will ride on a train and when you ride on a train, in northern Nigeria, in a state like Kano or Katsina, where are you going to? You are not going to an industrial estate to work. You are not going to school? You are not going to the farm. You borrow money from China to invest in trains so that your citizens can ride on them and go for weddings and naming ceremonies.”

In what many perceived as a retaliation for his statement, a probe began on the Emirate Council’s finances, with interesting claims like a
₦ 37 million phone bill. This probe was however shut down through high-level interventions.

In 2019, at the peak of NextLevel campaigns, the Emir also let it be known, through thinly veiled comments, that the people should reject leaders who had only selfish interests at heart.

Ganduje was stewing in his Benjamins lined Babaringa.

The Events of May 8th, 2019.

On this day, history was made with just about the fastest law being passed in Nigeria, with the creation of 4 new Emirates. This creation was carried out on the recommendation of unknown persons to the House of Assembly to create 4 new emirates; with first class Emirs for Gaya, Rano, Karaye and Bichi .

The assembly, exhibiting a speed virtually unheard of, immediately constituted a committee, asking it to make a report by the very next day. By Wednesday afternoon, the Assembly had passed the amendments into the Emirs (Appoints and Deposition) Act, splitting the emirate into five. By which by evening, the Governor had signed the amendments into law.

Ganduje’s Reasons.

Whatever reasons you might think lie in the creation of the additional emirates, the Governor wants you to know it has very little parts to play with having a vendetta, spelling it out clearly that the Local government Chairman, and not a whole governor deals with matters relating to the emirate.

Rather, his actions were merely vested in the best interest of the people, by granting them active participation in the traditional levels.

With a speed belying his 69 years, Ganduje also swore in
Aminu Ado Bayero of Bichi; Ibrahim Abdulkadir of Gaya; Tafida Abubakar of Rano; and Ibrahim Abubakar of Karaye, 2 days after the passage of the law, despite a court injunction restricting him from doing so.

How is Emir Sanusi Taking It?

Pretty Zen when you think about it. He recently returned from the United Kingdom to a heroes’ welcome by his supporters in Kano. He is yet to release a formal statement on the issue, but we’re in for a doozy when he does let it rip.
Boyin Plumptre

May 13, 2019

Citizen