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  • Working In Sales In Nigeria: A Never-Ending High.

    Working In Sales In Nigeria: A Never-Ending High.
    Illustration by Janice Chang

    To get a better understanding of Nigerian life, we started a series called ‘Compatriots’, detailing the everyday life of the average Nigerian. As a weekly column, a new instalment will drop every Tuesday, exploring some other aspect of the Nigerian landscape.

    This week, we have a natural born salesman narrate the thrills of working in sales in Nigeria and his journey to becoming a professional.

    Think about the most potent high you’ve ever felt: the numbing goodness of an intense orgasm; the clouding weight of great marijuana; the rapturous feeling of cocaine —  if you’re into any of these, multiply that feeling by three, add one-half for good measure and maybe, just maybe you’ll get a fifth of the thrill that comes with working in sales in Nigeria.

    The thing is, we all work in sales. You’re selling the threat of a lost trade when you convince that butcher to sell you meat at a 35% markdown. You’re selling the promise of a changed heart when you persuade your ex to return after cheating. And you’re currently doing a wonderful job, selling yourself dreams if you choose to remain in a country that won’t love you as well as Canada can. But while sales to you might spell intermittent domestic triumphs, to me, it’s a daily professional target — convincing individuals and companies into taking bargains, purchasing products and buying up ad spaces they don’t really need, and yet somehow making it out to be that I’m a hero doing them a favour by taking their money. 

    My career in sales began like most careers in sales do – as a means to an end. I was fresh out of university with a B.Sc in cell biology. I was in need of a job that wouldn’t peer closely at my lack of experience. An internship role at an e-commerce firm surfaced; I was to handle product placements on their website, which is shorthand for saying: I had to make sure products were arranged in a way that encouraged impulse buying and made purchasing sense.

    When I first took the job, I wasn’t entirely sure what product placement entailed. What I originally thought was to be the alphabetical arrangement of merchandise on the site, soon turned out to be hours spent poring over inventory, trying to determine what items would make the sense adjacent to a pink waist trainer and a gym water bottle shaped like a dumbbell.

    At the time, I didn’t consider my role to be in sales. Sales was the man in the bus convincing you to buy his all-curing, all-enhancing powder. It was the broadcast on the radio shouting at you to secure land; that TV advert nudging you to purchase butter. Who knew sales and advertising weren’t one and the same thing? And a few product re-arrangements at the backend of a company website could produce a 25% bump in earnings for the month? 

    By my third month handling product placements and bringing the same positive results, I was promoted (still as an intern), to the floor of the company’s retail store, with the directive that I produce the same results. Without the safety of a computer screen, I did what any salesman worth his salt would do: I winged it. I sang for customers, I tried clothes on for them, I gave heaps and heaps of undeserving compliments. If they wanted my blood, I probably would have injected and drained it on the spot! I did achieve the bottom-line goal to the applause of my supervisors.

    While I wasn’t in any way adequately compensated for my efforts, what I lacked in a healthy account balance, I gained in a sense of pride that my work was being recognised. I really was good at this sales thing!

    But by my fifth month, that pride had taken quite the fall. Despite putting in the work and hours of full-time staff, my employers kept me on an intern’s salary, which may have been payment in exposure for all it was worth. I had to accept the game really was the game when, rather than offer me the staff role I was so obviously qualified for, my employers put on their shiniest sales hats, and tried to get me to buy the idea of an additional three-month internship ‘trial period’ before awarding me a full-time position. I took my experience, walked out of their doors and never looked back.

    It didn’t take a month to find a job. This time, it was as one of the recruits to the sales team in one of Nigeria’s newest e-commerce giants. While some merit played a role in finding a job easily, the reality is — sales in Nigeria is such a never-ending cycle of vacancies and resignations, it would have been difficult to not find employment within that time.

    Here’s free advice, if you want to be successful in sales in Nigeria, forget what they say about 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Sales will break that equation and introduce three new variables: looking and talking a big game, while of course, being able to back it up

    In my first month of employment, I was with a team of fresh recruits that had bachelors and masters degrees in sales. These guys rode in cars I had bookmarked for my five-year goals and spoke in accented sentences punctuated with enough “wanna” and “gonnas” to get the typical Nigerian employer all hot and bothered. If they walked into meetings with their Macbooks, accents and car keys, soliciting 7-figure deals, they’d probably have left with 8. I was left wondering if I could make the cut, I felt like a minor character playing in their show. Appearance really was everything, or so I thought … 

    By the end of that first month, more than half of the sales team had resigned. Here’s why:

    When you’re just one of Nigeria’s leading e-commerce sites, setting its sights on the number one spot, there are a number of things you will subject your sales team to:


    Individual weekly targets and mid-week progress meetings, so a slacking member of the sales team can explain to the Managing Director and supervisors present, why only ₦ 50,000 had been made by Wednesday when the week’s target was ₦ 1 million.

    A reward system so only high-performing members of the team ride to meetings in company cars. The rest can sort their way out on a miserly ₦ 4000 weekly transport allowance.

    Promise a 20% commission for employees able to meet their monthly targets, but right before they achieve it, switch the game on them and double the goal.

    In my first month, say the monthly target was ₦ 4 million in sales, by the third week, it doubled to ₦ 8 million. You cannot imagine the flurry of resignation letters.

    In that month, I saw grown men have panic attacks at the thought of going into weekly meetings and explaining why their numbers were running short. People so jittery with fear they couldn’t even muster the strength to go into client meetings for fear of continued failures. Every week brought a new set of resignations. It felt like playing musical chairs with opponents who, rather than wait for the music to stop, thought it best to run, kicking and screaming away from the prize.

    And yet somehow, in spite of all the chaos around me, I was thriving! I made my first million from a client I somehow convinced her to advertise her products on every single platform we owned – newsletter, website, banners and ad spaces. From there, I was on a roll. You cannot imagine the thrill of closing in two ₦250,000 deals the day of your mid-week progress report, or the high of entering into a client meeting, coming out with more than you bargained for. Even though I was probably just a cog in the capitalism wheel, I luxuriated in those highs, looking forward to my next fix — the next scheme, the next deal.

    After the purge of the first month, my views changed from being small fry in a pool full of sharks to being an equal amongst thieves. Thieves because there is absolutely no honour in a gathering of salesmen. 

    For the rest of my time in this company, it was routine to steal clients from co-workers. Your colleague was taking too long to land a client? Undercut him by reaching out to the same client, and offering a discount of whatever rates are in negotiation. Think your associate is on the brink of reeling in a high-income organisation? Sabotage his ass by reaching out to someone higher than his contact in said organisation, and promising a sweeter deal. There is nothing a salesman wouldn’t do to land a deal. I’ve made promises I had no guarantees of keeping and taken the time to plan meticulous ‘chance encounters’ with clients in restaurants, church and even a child’s birthday ceremony. 

    Even with 6 years in the game, these are some schemes I still find myself pulling.

    These days however, I’ve moved on from that e-commerce giant, on to the sales department of an architecture firm before my current employ as the sales lead in an entertainment firm. But even after all this time, there’s nothing quite like that first thrill of a potential client in sight, the rush of reeling them in and that eternal high of landing them.

  • Nigeria To The US: Someone Cannot Play With You?

    Nigeria To The US: Someone Cannot Play With You?

    If you’re reading this, you’re already too late. All the cool people got it a day early because they’re already subscribed to our newsletter – Game of Votes.

    We know you don’t like being a professional LASTMA, so here’s a chance to read all that happened in Nigerian politics in a way that won’t bore you to death, before everybody else. Subscribe to the Game of Votes newsletter, to get just that, here.

    Now back to the news.

    1. A Beef History of Okorocha and Ihedioha.

    Politics in Imo State is starting to look a lot like my face when I woke up to work on this post: a hot mess.

    At the centre of this mess arethe former governor of Imo State, Rochas Okorocha and the incumbent, Emeka Ihedioha.

    Political drama? Featuring a past and present governor, in Nigeria? Why, I never would have guessed it.

    Okay, what happened here?

    It all started in 2018 when, perhaps dizzy from all the foreign nationals erected in Imo State, Governor Rochas Okorocha forgot he was in Nigeria —  a democracy — and decided to impose a monarchy. In the elections held in the year of our Lord 2019, Okorocha tried to have his son-in-law, Uche Nwosu instated as governor of Imo State.

    As we know,  that didn’t pan out and gubernatorial victory eventually went to the PDP candidate, Emeka Ihedioha. Okorocha didn’t like that.

    A ton of ugliness ensued: Okorocha alleged that Ihedioha wasn’t the real winner of the elections, and Ihedioha (allegedly) hit the man where it really hurt ⁠— his statues —  just one day after resuming office. Have to love the priorities.

    Now, while Ihedioha denied being behind the demolition of the Akachi statue, he didn’t miss the opportunity to point fingers at the unpaid workers responsible for erecting the statue, perhaps their anger at Okorocha led them to do it. Petty what?

    Arrows have since flown, with the Ihedioha administration alleging that the past administration left no hand over note and therefore no instructions as to continuity. Ihedioha also threw shade at the 43.5 billion government house built by the Rochas administration, claiming it was “a decayed place”. According to Okorocha, the current governor claimed he governed from a bush bar in the government house and therefore has to operate his government from outside the house. Ihedioha even converted the Eastern Palm University owned by Okorocha, into an annex of the state university – IMSU. This guy?

    Okorocha has accused the current governor of attempting to destroy his legacy and also being obsessed with him,  here’s video to prove it. Okay Mariah.

    More serious allegations of financial impropriety have been made, however, with the Ihedioha administration recently accusing Okorocha’s of leaving the state in 32 billion debt, as well as the former governor operating over 250 bank accounts while in office. Okorocha denies both claims.

    Senator Rochas claims the Ihedioha administration spends over 2.8 billion on sanitation, and that the governor used his first three months in office to construct multiple homes and a hotel in Owerri and his hometown. Claims which were denied by the current governor and one-upped by the accusation that the Okorocha administration stole the sum of ₦1 trillion from the state treasury while in office.

    On August 19th,  the Ihedioha administration began a probe into the contracts awarded by past governors Udenwa(1999-2007), Ohakim (2007-2011) and Okorocha (2011-2019). What plays out should be interesting. 

    2. Uh-Oh, Dino Could Be A Senator No-Mo.

    On August 23rd, an election tribunal sitting in Kogi State, declared the election of Dino Melaye, the declared winner of the 2019 Kogi West senatorial election, nullified. Mr Melaye’s victory was contested by his rival – APC’s Smart Adeyemi. The tribunal has ordered that fresh senatorial elections be carried out.

    Melaye served as the Representative of the Kabba/Idimu Constituency for two terms, before being elected as a senator in 2015. This is his second term as senator.

    So how is he taking it?

    If you think he’s mulling about, then clearly you haven’t seen this Instagram post and caption from three days ago.

    https://www.instagram.com/p/B1omIQAHz1e/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

    He plans on appealing the tribunal’s decision and has this to say about his post in the National Assembly: “for my senate mandate, no shaking”. Ugh, his way with words ❤️. 

    It’s important to mention here that Melaye plans to contest the Kogi State gubernatorial elections holding on November 16th, if he wins the PDP primaries. He is also being prosecuted by the police for allegedly aiding violence in Kogi State and attempting to commit suicide. Just throwing that in.

    3. Nigeria To The US: Someone Cannot Play With You?

    In a little play I like to call: ‘When America Goes Low, Try To Go Lower, But Remember the Exchange Rate (working title), Nigeria has reduced visa fees for Americans applying to Nigeria, just one day after the US announced it would be increasing visa fees for Nigerians applying to the US. This proposed increase was essentially to punish Nigerians for making her citizens pay higher visa application fees, while Nigerians paid less when applying to America.

    If this isn’t the meekest response to “keep that same energy” you’ve ever seen, then I don’t know what is. Someone, please ask this guy to give Nigerians a masterclass on Big D Energy.

    Let’s Back It Up

    Back in 2017, the US began imposing stricter non-immigrant visa reciprocity terms as part of a ridiculous “Muslim ban” led by the administration of big man, little hands – Donald Trump.

    These ‘reciprocity terms’ are a bit of ‘gbas-gbos’ if you will.

    It requires the equal treatment of American citizens and a foreign country’s nationals when it comes to non-immigrant visa applications, especially regarding validity periods and application fees. They also spell out consequences where the reciprocity doesn’t bang, consequences like the payment of a reciprocity fee, in addition to the visa application fees.

    Now would you guess what country, until recently, thought it’d be a good idea to have higher visa fees than those charged by the US to her citizens? This same country had over 220,000 citizens spend ₦9.7 billion on non-immigrant American visas in 2017 alone? Just guess.


    For the past 18 months, the US has been trying, to get Nigeria to adjust the visa fees imposed on Americans and finally had enough on August 27th, 2019. The country announced it would be imposing a non-refundable reciprocity fee, which Nigerians would pay in addition to visa application fees, but ONLY where the visa application was actually granted. The fees were to differ according to the type of visa applied for, but say you applied for a student, tourist or business visa, a non-refundable reciprocity fee of $110 (40,700) would have been paid in addition to the equally non-refundable  ₦59,200 visa application fees, bringing the sum total to  ₦99,900. The reciprocity fees were to ‘eliminate’ that cost difference between both country’s visa application processes and were to take effect from August 29th.

    Now That You’re Up To Speed, Here’s What Happened Next.

    Perhaps Nigeria was protesting the outrageous Muslim ban or the indignities Nigerians have to suffer for American visas by imposing higher fees, I don’t know; but whatever it was, the government decided going low is no way to work things out, the country is almost 60, back pain is real.

    So on August 28th, the Nigerian Federal Government said: Lol, ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʜᴀᴘᴘᴇɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴛᴜʀɴɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴄʜᴇᴇᴋ? and reduced the visa fees Americans had previously been subjected to.

    Rauf Aregbesola, Nigeria’s (clueless) Minister of Interior blamed the tardiness on implementing lesser fees despite 18 months of discussions, on “delays due to transition processes in the Ministry at policy level.” Uhun, sure.

    Now that the burden of reciprocity fees are out of the way, Nigerians can focus their energies on tackling the real demon, actually getting an American visa to begin with.

    4.Buhari Takes Japan.

    https://twitter.com/HelloMilez/status/1167280039446089728?s=19

    Even though social media was filled with tales of our favourite travel vlogger — President Buhari, going to Japan to visit Prime Minister —  Shinzo Abo who was away at the G-7 meeting, he was really there to attend the Tokyo International Conference on Africa Development alongside African leaders like the president of Benin Republic, Patrice Talon and South Africa, Cyril Ramaphosa. We’ll just pretend we didn’t notice Nigeria didn’t get an invite to the G-7 for our peace of mind, okay?

    Also, the presidency wants you to know, there’s also no truth to the rumour that members of IPOB harassed the presidency. So there.

    Did You Miss This?

    1. This man allegedly stole from Nigeria in 1998, got caught and was allowed to keep a portion of his loot. He now heads the ministry with the third-highest budgetary spending for 2019. The big reveal here. 

    2. Anyone know where I can purchase just 1mg of the confidence of Nigerian Men? Here’s Adebayo Shittu, Nigeria’s former Minister of Communications who was caught with a fake NYSC certificate, admitting shock over not being re-appointed.

    3. Even though countries like the US eradicated polio way back in 1979, our president is still using Nigeria’s polio eradication as a talking point for the country’s ‘improved healthcare’. Off that mic!

    NOT.THE.NEWS.


    1.Okay, maybe this is a little newsy. Wondering what the fuss about the parliamentary suspension in the UK is about? This could help.

    2. A man walks off a boat, walks into a restaurant, orders the albatross soup, takes one bite and kills himself. Why did the man kill himself? If you can figure this riddle out, hats off to you becauseee.

    3. The Many Lies of Carl Beech. Have you heard about this creep? Check this out.

  • Lagos To Amsterdam – Fifi Oddly’s #AbroadLife.

    Lagos To Amsterdam – Fifi Oddly’s #AbroadLife.

    The Nigerian experience is physical, emotional and sometimes international. No one knows it better than our features on #TheAbroadLife, a series where we detail and explore Nigerian experiences while living abroad.

    This week, we’re catching up with a young Nigerian, living life in a country pretty much tailor-made for enjoyment – The Netherlands, where Amsterdam and The Red Light District can be found.

    The Netherlands is one of the more abroady-abroads for Nigerians. Almost everything about the country is different from Nigeria. It has qwhite the white population; of its 17 million inhabitants, only about 700,000 are of Afro-Dutch ancestry. This made it a big change for a cute ass brown-skin Nigerian, like the subject of today’s story- Fifi Oddly. I mean, look at:

    The Netherlands is also different from Nigeria on their stance on homosexuality: they don’t think gay/lesbian marriages are a big deal. About 78% of its population is all for legalising homosexual marriages. Nigeria, not so much. 14 years ring any bells?

    Perhaps one of the most distinguishing features of the state is the extent to which they jaiye. You think Lagos nightlife slaps? Try visiting Amsterdam where marijuana and prostitution are legalised. It has a Red-Light District pretty much dedicated to sin. So we had to ask:

    How does it feel to have grown up in Nigeria, and then moved to a country where you can wear camo and smoke marijuana at the same time?

    It’s wild. One of my favourite places to visit in the Netherlands is Amsterdam. I have to take a train to get there, but it is worth it. One of my coolest memories is being out at night with friends when some guy on the street offers us weed. As if that wasn’t enough, he offered to roll the weed, and he did all of this, in the open. It was wild.

    And where was SARS when this was happening? What a wow. So what are three things everyone should know about the Netherlands?

    1. They ride bicycles everywhere.

    2. They have a great public transport system.

    3. They drink a lot of beer!

    So they have a Red Light District, a great transport system and a beer-drinking society. We see why anyone would want to move there. But why did you?

    I moved to the Netherlands in 2018 for work. I had worked as a developer in a company in Nigeria, but I was ready for something else. I began searching for freelance roles for developers. Literally typing ‘freelance developer opportunities’ everywhere and sending out email applications where I could. I finally got an employment opportunity from my current employers, only thing was, the role wasn’t freelance, I had to be present at the office — in the Netherlands — to make it happen.

    Uh-oh.

    Yep. So I decided to move. Although, I almost didn’t know what was happening until it was a day before my flight and I was packing my bags to leave my family and friends to move to a strange country.

    Wild. So I’ll be honest, there’s something about saying ‘the Netherlands’ that just makes my green passport shake. How hard was it to get a visa there?

    Man, it was so hard! I applied in July and I didn’t get it until August. The first thing you should know is, the visa office is in the Republic of Benin, so I had to make quite a few trips there. Then the documents they needed, man. At some point, they wanted the incorporation documents of the company hiring me. Asking for that would have been a little too much. Although my company helped with speeding up the process, I probably wouldn’t have been able to get the visa so fast, if they weren’t so hands-on.

    We live to try another day. Did you have any friends or family in the Netherlands?

    At the time I landed in this country, I knew a total of one person, and one person only. 

    Bruh!

    Plus we weren’t even in the same state, or even that close to begin with, so essentially I didn’t know anyone. But again, my company came to my rescue and made sure I settled in pretty well, and very stress-free.

    How did they do that?

    Well, when I arrived, they put me up in a hotel for about a month, allowing me some time to settle in. They also made sure to introduce me to people in my office So I wasn’t too lonely when I first got here and now it feels almost like home.

    Hmm. You know what they say, home is where the Jollof is. How easy is it to get Nigerian food over there?

    Where I live there’s just one place to get Jollof rice and Nigerian food, so it hasn’t exactly been easy oh.

    Okay, so back to work. How different is it working as a developer in The Netherlands, having already worked as one in Nigeria?

    The difference is crazy. Although, I’m pretty fortunate with where I’m working. There’s a lot of patience to put you through the ropes here, which was lacking in Nigeria. The work ethic here is different. They allow you to take mental health days off when you’re feeling overwhelmed. They pay for us to have therapy, there’s a place to rest within my office. It’s surreal.

    Will they be open to adopting a grown adult from Africa without tech capabilities because?

    *Har, har, har* (But seriously)

    Okay, this is random. How do you get to work every day?

    I ride a bicycle. I could walk, but it’s convenient and just about everyone rides bicycles here. 

    Nigerian morning sun could never. Is there a Nigerian community around where you live?

    You know there is! I didn’t find them until I happened on a church around me, and it was just about filled with Nigerians. That was a good thing for me. If I miss home, there’s always the option to go back there and be around them.

    Have you ever experienced any racism?

    Never in a brazen manner. Like no one is outrightly calling you the N-word, but there are definite undertones. I can’t explain it, but it’s there. It’s unmissable.

    So would you ever move back to Nigeria?

    Man. On some days I’m so sure I’m going to move back to Nigeria, and do meaningful work and make an impact here. But other times I’m like, we die here oh. A part of me is pretty sure I’ll be moving back to Nigeria. I don’t know man.

    Okay, last question. A night out in Lagos, or a night out in Amsterdam?

    Man this. I’ve had some great times in Lagos. One time, my friends and I were partying and we decided going to Makoko at night, via a boat would be a good idea.

    Holdup? What?

    No really, it seemed like such a good idea. It was late at night or early in the morning and we got to this shed that had some thugs and we partied with them and it became this big fight. It was fun but risky as hell. But then there’s Amsterdam. It has a vibe in Amsterdam I can’t ever replicate.

    I could move to Amsterdam, it’s something I’m probably going to end up doing. But I don’t know, I can’t really pick.

  • I’m Done Questioning God. I’ve Decided To Just Not Believe In Him.

    I’m Done Questioning God. I’ve Decided To Just Not Believe In Him.
    Illustration by Celia Jacobs.

    To get a better understanding of Nigerian life, we started a series called ‘Compatriots’, detailing the everyday life of the average Nigerian. As a weekly column, a new instalment will drop every Tuesday, exploring some other aspect of the Nigerian landscape.

    This week, we’re telling the story of a young lady whose inability to get the answers to her burning questions about God, led to her shunning his existence entirely.

    I’ll start the same way I used to start my days: with a word of prayer.

    Thank you for seeking out knowledge, for learning the real rights and wrongs, for vesting accountability in no one but yourself and for actively seeking out the grace, to simply be.

    In the past, my prayers would have been directed to an all-seeing, all-knowing messiah, whose existence both terrified and soothed me at my most trying moments. These days I keep things simple, directing all gratitude, supplications, and admonishments to a 5’5, chipped-tooth, second-hand clothes-wearing, indecision riddled human being ⁠— myself.

    I grew up in one of Nigeria’s more conservative churches: popular for sermons which never deviate from salvation and godly living, its fame is eclipsed only by a set of rules, which even by Nigerian wholesome standards, call for some uncomfortable shifting in pews.

    No television, no earrings, absolutely no unnatural extensions of any kind. ‘Sisters’ were encouraged to keep their hair covered in readiness for prayer, while women that chose to show off shapely calves in jeans were only highlighting body parts already simmering in the lake of fire. Attending church here was ostracising, judgment igniting and sometimes even laughter-inducing. But it was home and I loved it there.

    Or at least I did until I turned 7. Which was right around the time I started losing teeth, a milestone that only left me determined to square up with a creator who reckoned my smile needed a big gap in the middle.

    “Who is this God?” 

    “Where did He come from?”

    “What is the source of His power?”

    These were some of the questions I burdened my Sunday school teachers with at the time. I remember being disappointed with generic responses like “He is the Alpha and Omega” and “we don’t question where He came from.” This explained nothing. What if we were rooting for the wrong guy? An assertion that didn’t seem too far fetched, especially after the Holy Spirit entered my Shit List for ‘revealing’ to a Sunday School teacher ⁠— in full view of everyone ⁠— that I dared to wear braids to the House of the Lord. Never mind that my braids (an allowance of my liberal parents) were peeking out of my scarf, clear as day for man and spirit alike to see. 

    That is not to say it marked the start of my unbelief; that would come very shortly after. But from my tweens, right up until the very early stages of adolescence, I was a model, middling child of God. While I wasn’t crazy about observing weekday hours on weekends just to make it to church before 8 am, I did so with the unquestioning submission of a child still heavily reliant on her parents. I memorised Bible verses (all forgotten now), always completed a daily checklist of trinity prayers: upon waking, before eating and right before bed and I never once took the name of the Lord in vain. But something happened when I made the leap from shimis and a fresh face to training bras and an unbecoming pitch fuzz  — I made the realisation that I really, really, didn’t like attending church.

    Look, I don’t know what it is about being a teenager that transforms parents from being your cool, employed best friends, to the very last people you’d want to be stuck on earth with, but my parents got this end of the stick, and my heavenly father was no exception.

    While my earthly parents were stuck with a teenager prone to mouthing unrepeatable things under her breath, the Lord got one unwilling to visit, even in his own house! I became masterful in avoiding church services, plotting my escape days ahead — blaming everything from phantom period pains to untraceable headaches. It was during these periods that those truly unanswerable questions, once again reared their heads:

    “Who is this God?”

    “Where did He come from?”

    “What is the source of His powers?”

    While my family was away, singing hymns and praising at the House of God, I was home alone, spending an unaccountable amount of time staring at a mirror, trying to come to terms with the fact that my reflection was indeed myself, a person fearfully and wonderfully created by a mysterious God.

    As I got older, these questions matured as I did. Growing from merely interrogating the origins of my God, to attempting to make sense of His end goal. Where childish exuberance marked my early ploys to avoid church, at 17, they were my crutch to stay sane. 

    "I couldn't help but conclude that if God were a man, I wouldn't like Him very much."

    Post-adolescence was riddled with attempts to rationalise a God who would create a world of people, solely to worship Him. 
    Who could orchestrate scenarios where safety was compromised, simply to guarantee your gratitude that He pulled you to protection. 
    How could God create a world filled with multiple religions, each believing their tenets correct, but with such intricate devices of worship, only one could truly be correct? A God that fearfully and wonderfully created certain humans a special way, but opened them to damnation, per His book? 

    Who punished deviants from His word with an eternity spent consumed by a lake of fire. And rewarded adherents with a whole lifetime spent praising Him? Forever and ever, worshipping? I couldn’t help but conclude that if God were a man, I wouldn’t like Him very much.

    By 19, I understood the appeal of religion and a higher power interceding, where humans might have failed. Especially in a country like Nigeria where uncertainty in safety, sustenance, and security are the order of the day. Where the promise of finally being able to find rest, in a levitating mansion in heaven, is almost literally the thought keeping many underprivileged citizens alive. It just didn’t make much sense to me.

    At that age, I made a decision that marked the start of the rest of my life ⁠—  a year without religion. One year where no one but I, took centre stage in my life. Where all the credit and blame for my grades went straight to me, and where only my hard work and intuition guaranteed me multiple streams of income in university. No divine grace or exceptions here.

    From that year, I decided to wing this life thing. I’m finally done with asking questions with no definitive answers, I’ll just wait to maybe be proved wrong at the other side.

  • Now, Why Would Nigerians Do A Thing Like Beat Ike Ekweremadu Up?

    Now, Why Would Nigerians Do A Thing Like Beat Ike Ekweremadu Up?

    If you had even the faintest glimmer of a 2G connection this weekend, then chances are, you caught wind of the attack on former Deputy Senate President, Ike Ekweremadu by purported members of the Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB) in Nuremberg, Germany.

    In videos replicated on social media, one of which had 31.7k views at last count, we saw as the politician was pelted with eggs and dragged from all sides while he attempted to honour an invitation to give the keynote address commemorating the Second Annual Cultural Festival and Convention.

    The question is:

    What Would Make Nigerians Do A Thing Like That?

    Look, we’ll be the first to admit that politicians aren’t in the top 10 or 10,000 of the average Nigerian’s faves. They’re overpaid, they skim off the top ⁠— even on video, they use godawful catchphrases during elections (#NextLevel?) which, coincidentally happens to be the time they tend to remember regular Nigerians exist.

    But is that enough reason to beat them up in public and displace their hats?

    Nope! The answer you’re looking for is definitely NO.

    According to IPOB, their grouse with the former Senate leader lay in his alleged support of an institution that tagged their organisation a terrorist body i.e the Nigerian government. This, together with the charge that he dared visit Germany to celebrate a New Yam Festival, when his kinsmen were being attacked back home by alleged herdsmen.

    Are these claims founded?

    To the Indigenous People of Biafra, a secessionist group ⁠— absolutely.

    While the emancipation of Biafra from Nigeria remains the bedrock of IPOB, the former Deputy Senate President has at many points called for a restructuring of the country. Restructuring aims at a strategy to bring government as close as is possible to its people.

    The literal opposite of what IPOB hopes to achieve.

    But, it’s understandable that a government official has a stance that is pro the unity of a country, as opposed to its piecing apart.

    On the matter of his performative visit abroad while attacks run rampant back home, Nigerian farmlands, villages and communities have been the subjects of incessant attacks by groups alleged to be herdsmen. Igbo states like Enugu being no exception. Very recently, it suffered the loss of Reverend Father Paul Offu at the hands of assailants suspected to be Fulani herdsmen.

    However, while anger at a politician making arguably unnecessary visits abroad, despite the safety of kinsmen back home is at stake is very understandable, it should never come to the point where physical attacks on his person are resorted to. It is beyond abhorrent behaviour.

    How is Ekweremadu holding up?

    Better than you would expect actually. While his ego and maybe even certain body parts have been considerably bruised, he isn’t letting the attack fuel a vengeful agenda.

    In a press release on his Twitter profile, Ekweremadu had this to say:

    “Much as I am disappointed in their conduct, especially as I am one of the persons who have spoken up on justice for Ndigbo, the Python Dance, judicial killings in Igbo land and elsewhere both on the floor of the Senate and in my written and personal engagements with the Presidency and the media as well as rallied the South-East Senate Caucus to secure Mazi Nnamdi Kanu’s release with Senator Enyinnaya Abaribe taking him on bail to douse tension in the South East, I, nevertheless, do not hold this to heart against them, for they know not what they do.”

    Way to be the bigger man!

    So is this the last we’ll hear of politicians being attacked abroad?

    Well, going by a statement released by IPOB, that would be a no.

    According to the organisation’s spokesman whose very real name is Emma Powerful

    • Governors David Umahi of Ebonyi, Ifeanyi Ugwuanyi of Enugu, Okezie Ikpeazu of Abia and Willie Obiano of Anambra state better stay in their domestic lanes and steer clear of foreign sojourns because IPOB members worldwide have been directed to attack them on sight.

    Violence is never the answer, can somebody please page IPOB this news, before they do something unforgivably stupid?


  • Every day, Nigeria Strays Further From The Light of the 21st Century

    Every day, Nigeria Strays Further From The Light of the 21st Century

    (A look at the events surrounding the protests of August 5.)

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    So quick question: Where are we going as a country?

    Back to the late 20th century, it seems. Is the “newly sworn-in” President Bubu scared that someone that is not his clone is coming to take over from him?

    What did a great man once say?

    A great man once said, “Hell is empty, and all the devils are in Nigeria.” No, it wasn’t you, Shakespeare. That great man, whoever he is, was however correct. 

    Let’s take a look at what he was talking about: 

    President Bubucakes insists he respects the rights of citizens to protest, but described organisers of the #RevolutionNow protests as individuals merely seeking to attain power by violent and undemocratic means”. He insisted that the era of coups and “revolutions” were over. Could he be afraid of something? Could he be having a serious case of PTSD? I mean, it was in this same August in 1985 that he was overthrown in a coup led by General Ibrahim Babangida and other members of the ruling Supreme Military Council (SMC).

    A look at the backstory:

    Sowore, a human rights activist, who ran against President Muhammadu Buhari in the 2019 elections declared a protest on August 5. The point of the protest was to demand a better Nigeria. Incase Bubucakes was unsure, protests are an action declaring disapproval. We helped him check

    Then what?

    Then the Department of State then arrested him and said (and you’re not reading this wrongly), that his call for protest was “threatening public safety, peaceful co-existence and social harmony in the country.” The public relations officer of the DSS, Mr. Peter Afunanya then went ahead to define what a revolution was and assured citizens that there’ll be no revolution on August 5. 

    Jokes on him: While there was no revolution — revolutions tend to happen over time — there were protests which went ahead despite Sowore’s arrest.

    Here’s what happened during the protest: 

    In Lagos, the police claimed that the protest was treason, and fired teargas. They checked people’s phones and arrested the individuals they could arrest. 1998 called, they want their tear gas back

    They arrested protesters in Osun and brutalised a woman and a journalist.

    Under the sun and in the rain…

    Despite heavy rain, protesters in Abuja weathered the storm and went ahead to protest. And if the rain couldn’t stop them, surely the police taking over their original venue the Unity Fountain, did not stop them. All they had to do was change locations. If the NYSC anthem was the theme for their protest, there would be a consistent emphasis on this part of the lyrics: “under the sun and in the rain.”

    In Ibadan, the police laid siege at the main gate of the University of Ibadan to prevent the protest. They were successful in doing this but also succeeded in creating fear in the students and University occupants. Counteractive if you asked me. 

    In Kaduna, the story is quite different. It is suspected that residents of Kaduna State may have shunned the protest because of the court ruling on the foreign medical trip request of the leader of the Islamic Movement in Nigeria, Sheikh Ibraheem El-Zakzaky. Do you know who was excited all this time? Bubucakes of course. A report has it that that President Buhari was elated that Nigerians “ignored” calls to join the #RevolutionNow protests.

    Is this time any different from Occupy Nigeria of 2012? Not really. According to the National Secretary of the Committee for the Defence of Human Rights, Olayinka Folarin,“The word revolution is a predated statement that was even used by the people in government today, including President Muhammadu Buhari. In 2012, Goodluck Jonathan did not stop our nationwide protest at Ojota, and the people in the present government participated. They have become tyrannical and have started unleashing mayhem and terror on the good people of Nigeria after they took office.” 

    What’s that you said? Gbas-gbos. 

    As of today, a court has ordered the detainment of Sowore for 45 days while the police investigates the allegation of instigating the public and seeking a change of the present administration order than the provided constitutional means of doing so. against him.

    Meanwhile, while Buhari is claiming that the Era of coup is over and that the ballot box was the only constitutional means of changing government and a president in Nigeria, the Aare Onakakanfo of Yorubaland, Gani Adams has pleaded with Buhari to not take us back to the military era.  

    What’s it gonna be Nigeria?


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  • “Take a bow”, A Ministerial Screening Mega Hit.

    “Take a bow”, A Ministerial Screening Mega Hit.

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    Now back to the news.

    1.LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT LIST. PART DEUX.

    (Part one is over here)

    Ever since President Buhari submitted the ‘ministerial’ list for approval on July 23rd, some of Nigeria’s foremost officials have been participating in what has been tagged a ‘ministerial’ screening. This is despite there being no portfolios to back their supposed ‘ministerial’ appointments. Hmm.

    Haven watched enough footage from the‘screenings’ and taking note of the amount of times nominees were told to ‘take a bow’, we are 99.9% certain of what this procedure really is ⁠ — group rehearsals, for when Buhari finally relocates with his cabinet to the UK, and they have to do that little bow upon meeting the queen.

    So, what does it mean to ‘take a bow’?

    We see you Ahmed Fenty.

    As a sign of respect during the ministerial screenings, the Senate rule book exempts individuals who have served in both chambers of the National Assembly from answering questions to test their abilities. This is because they are believed capable to handle ministerial duties, having held tasking roles in the past. Instead, they are simply told to ‘take a bow’ before their peers and to leave the chamber.

    During the screening, a total of 24 out of the 43 nominees were asked to take a bow. This includes Chris Ngige, George Akume, Tayo Alasoadura, Baba Shehuri and Timipre Sylva to name a few, all of whom had understandably served as senators in the past.

    Confusingly, however, this privilege was extended to nominees yet to serve in the National Assembly.

    A look at some of the interesting reasons nominees were asked to take a bow:

    Sharon Ikeazor: For being a woman.

    Ramatu Tijani: Same dumbass reason as above.

    Adeniyi Adebayo: Former governor and respected leader of the APC

    Abubakar Lawal: I wish I was making this up. Lawal was asked to take a bow for ‘being loyal’, despite having only served as deputy governor of Yobe State.

    Muhammadu Bello: A former Minister of the FCT, he asked to be exempted, for being a member of the National Assembly ‘by association’.

    Rotimi Amaechi: For being speaker of the Rivers State House of Assembly.

    Saleh Mamaan: The senators were tired of screening Buhari’s ministerial nominees.

    Are you even allowed to be tired at a 13.5m monthly salary? Genuinely asking here.

    Welp! Guess We’re Stuck Now.

    On July 23rd, despite having no portfolio to work with, the Nigerian senate confirmed all 43 ministerial nominees. Since it’s Buhari’s world and we’re all just living in it, our president has disclosed that the portfolio of his cabinet will be made public, after their inauguration.

    2. Quick! What do you prescribe an incredibly deluded government?

    And does it come in a super shot? Because we don’t understand what Nigeria has been sipping this past week.

    A look at what made the rounds:

    The APC is blaming Atiku for trying to take over President Buhari’s job.

    I want to give you 10 guesses why they’re making this accusation, but you’ll never get it.

    It’s simply because Alhaji Atiku Abubakar, pro-instagrammer and Nigeria’s former Vice-president, dared to congratulate Boris Johnson on emerging the UK’s Prime Minister.

    Bruh, they were so pressed they released a statement to vent, which included such heavy statements as: “Alh. Atiku’s continuous portrayal of himself as a shadow president under our system borders on felony and makes him a patent impostor.” and “We expect Alh. Atiku to quickly address himself to the stark reality of his loss and move on.” Ouch.

    Breathe APC, it is just a congratulatory message, okay?

    Elisha Abbo got appointed as deputy chairman of Navy Committee.

    Further proof that this government is off its rocker, the Nigerian Senator caught on tape assaulting a woman in a sex shop. Who also lost his temper at a disciplinary committee to hear the stated offence ⁠ — is somehow getting rewarded for his actions, following his appointment by the senate, to serve as deputy chairman of the Senate Committee on Navy. He won an award for being an ‘Icon of Democracy’ too. Wondafu.

    But the worst part:

    Three days after Boko Haram Kills 60 mourners, the presidency insists the sect is defeated.

    Only three days after a funeral procession in Borno State was tragically attacked, killing 60 people, the presidency released a statement, signed by the presidential spokesperson, Garba Shehu.

    According to the presidency, “The real Boko Haram has been defeated,” and only remnants of Boko Haram (?) and other fugitives remain.

    This statement was made in review of ten years of the insurgency. It is not the first time the government will allege that the sect has been defeated.

    3. Got milk?

    No seriously, do you locally produce milk? The CBN would like to know.

    Following talk that the CBN will be banning the importation of milk, our Central Bank did the very millennial thing and released a tweet on their milk importation stance. According to the statement, the CBN will not be banning the importation of milk, but will instead restrict the sale of forex for the importation of milk. This is because of the CBN’s belief that Nigeria has enough resources to produce milk.

    But is that all there is to it?

    While the CBN would like to have you believe that, a number of Nigerians aren’t too sure of their intentions. For one thing, why the focus on milk? The CBN stated that Nigerians have for 60 years been subjected to undue spending for importing milk, and only last year, spent about $1.5 billion importing milk. But what about livestock, where ₦1.65 trillion was spent on import in 2017, despite having a comparative advantage to locally source them. Or even oil? Despite being an oil-producing state, Nigeria spent a whopping ₦2.95 trillion, importing oil in 2018.

    Nigerians believe the ban on providing forex to import milk will cause the price of milk to spike, especially considering Nigerians consume an estimated 1.7 million tonnes of milk annually, and can only locally produce 34% of the required need. This will most likely cause untold hardship to the poor.

    If the policy comes to stay, milk will become the 44th item to be added by the CBN to the list of commodities restricted from accessing Forex at the official rate.

    Yay, you made it to the end. But this isn’t all of the dispatch.

  • Who TF Thinks Elisha Abbo Deserves An Award?

    Who TF Thinks Elisha Abbo Deserves An Award?

    Of all the things Musa has seen at the gate this July (and there are many), nothing has surprised him quite like the mess that is Elisha Abbo.

    Abbo is a Nigerian lawmaker who believes it is normal behaviour to rock snapbacks in 2019. 

    He represents Adamawa North and was well on his way to becoming one of Nigeria’s more forgettable lawmakers, collecting his eight-figure salary, chairing one million sub-committees and making the occasional appearance in Dino Melaye’s Instagram stories.

    On July 2nd however, news of the senator’s scumminess broke out when he was caught on tape assaulting a woman multiple times in an Abuja sex-shop. 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH2Rj4j7Mq0

    You can hear him, obviously power (and perhaps other substances) drunk, demanding that the owner of the shop drop her phone, then needlessly get enraged that he is asked to calm down, before resorting to cowardly violence. 

    At first, he attempted to explain his idiocy away in this interview, before thinking better of it and releasing the most half-assed attempt at an apology video I’ve ever seen. And I binge watch YouTube apology videos for fun. 

    Who wants to bet there was a cue at that point in his real-life ‘apology script’, saying ‘cry here and make it look believable too’.

    Also, is it just me, or does he sound like he reads by tracing a finger on each word on the page? Just me? Okay.

    You would think, after being caught on video being a 5’4 phallus, and needing to release an apology video for his actions, he would simmer down and take whatever punishment the public and his peers at the Senate would dole out to him. We all must have forgotten we were dealing with a person dangerous enough to voluntarily rock snapbacks in 2019. Clearly he doesn’t give AF about any kind of human opinion, which must explain why only a week after, he was caught on video doing this:

    So we have a snapback wearing, people-assaulting senator, given to throwing unnecessary tantrums, even in the face of disciplinary committees. It’s a no-brainer that he should be placed on a suspension at least, pending the time a decision would hopefully be reached to strip him of his senatorial post, and to prosecute his ass, seeing as he assaulted another citizen. A misdemeanor at the very least.

    Someone, please explain to me then, why TF this man was seen smiling and recommending that Rauf Aregbesola be given a big ministry to handle during the ministerial screenings? Not for his track record as governor, but for the idiotic reason that Aregbesola was so gracious as to surrender the entirety of his salary to Abbo when he contested a local government chairman position, despite the vast majority of citizens in Osun State being owed salaries at the time.

    iguodala confused

    And while you’re thinking up that explanation, kindly clarify how any right-thinking human would gift a snapback wearing, people assaulting, tantrum-throwing, selfish ministerial recommendation giving senator, an award for being an Icon of Democracy?

    Presenting this award was the Intercommunity Awareness for Change and Development Initiative, an initiative whose Facebook page has 96 followers, and whose last post was a profile picture update from 2015.  Absolutely nothing suspicious about that award here, nope.

    Even worse, this man went on to act like he just won his first Grammy, giving the most nauseating acceptance speech of all time. 

    Listen to him frame the assault as though it were something that happened to him, reducing the ugliness of his actions to a trending topic. 

    And excuse you? The only young people looking up to your 5’4 frame, are pre-tweens still learning to walk. Here’s hoping they steer the clearest away from you. You are no role model and there is absolutely no strength to be drawn from your foolishness.

    Please and please Nigerians, can we rally together so the next time we hear about this man, it’s about how prison food keeps giving him incessant diarrhea? Please?

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  • I Spent 36 Days In Prison. ₦20,000 Stood Between Me And Freedom.

    I Spent 36 Days In Prison.  ₦20,000 Stood Between Me And Freedom.
    Illustration by Felix Lucero

    To get a better understanding of Nigerian life, we started a series called ‘Compatriots’, detailing the everyday life of the average Nigerian. As a weekly column, a new installment will drop every Tuesday, exploring some other aspect of the Nigerian landscape.

    This week, we translated (from Igbo) and helped narrate, the experiences of a Nigerian wrongfully imprisoned in the early months of 2019. His time in prison and his first taste of freedom on making bail.

    In early 2019, a few weeks to my 27th birthday, I marked what will always be a milestone in my life. I didn’t buy my first car, that is still many dreams away nor my first home, I still share a flat with my mother. It was none of the above. 

    Weeks to my 27th birthday, I was taking my first steps of freedom from Ikoyi prisons, after 36 days behind bars.

    My offence? Breaking a padlock that belonged to the police.

    If you’ve ever met anyone that’s been to prison, especially a Nigerian prison, it’s a given they know the exact amount of time they spent locked up, almost down to the minute. For me, I will never forget the number 36. Not because I spent that time making a tally of days on top of my bunk like in the movies — where would I have found the personal space? No, the number stuck because I had spent every day during my time there trying to understand the hand life dealt me.

    I don’t think anyone who knows me would describe me as a negative person. Even after my arrest, and having to share an open, cramped space with 300 other men, I always made sure to start each day thanking God for the gift of life. But when it comes to Nigeria? Nothing can shake my feelings. I accepted that I live in a country whose sole mission is to ‘mean’ its citizens, a long time ago. The level of ‘meaning’ gets higher, the smaller the zeros at the end of your account balance. 

    It is why people struggling — my people — attend neglected public schools,  and ‘graduate’ without being able to read and write properly in English, just like I did. They’ll take jobs straight out of secondary school, not once stopping to consider the luxury of university, again ⁠— like I was forced to do: serving as everything from shop assistant, to errand boy at a printing press, before getting a security job at an Ikoyi office complex in 2017.  

    I was following the poor man’s script, and was fine doing so, never really allowing myself consider the possibilities of a career or ambition,  because what really were the opportunities this country could throw my way, without the usual leg-up? Yet somehow, despite this contentment, nothing could stop  Nigerian misfortune from setting its sights on me.

    As a security guard, I had a daily routine. In the morning, before daylight, I shared a cigarette with some construction workers not too far from my office, before returning to my post to welcome the first arrivers to the office. I usually did this with extra enthusiasm so they’d remember at lunch-time and when it was time to ‘dash’ something at the close of day. Afternoons were spent parking and re-parking cars, while night time ⁠— when I resumed my shift, was used to reflect on the day. I share a phone with my mother, so I had only myself for company.  I did everything to stay awake because the complex had experienced break-ins in the past; sleep was not an option.

    On the morning of my arrest, I started my routine as usual: smoking with the construction workers. What was different this time, however, was returning to the office to find the gates had been chained and padlocked by somebody. And it wasn’t me.

    So imagine this, it’s around 6:30 am, and while the offices open at 8 am, some workers from the mainland, fortunate to have beaten the mainland-island traffic would begin arriving around 7:15 am. In the past, the complex had experienced break-ins where offices were vandalised and I was blamed for it. I could not afford a repeat. So I did what I had to. Using a stone, I dismantled the padlock, placing it and the chains in my security post.

    This was exactly what I told the policemen when they made their way to the complex 20 minutes later, asking what had happened with the lock. According to them, the office (a private property) was sealed because there was word trespassers were around the area. As soon as I produced the broken lock, the pitch of their already loud voices increased; they were shouting that “I must pay o”, or follow them to their station.

    I know it says ₦20,000 stood between me and freedom, but on the day of my arrest, it was a lot less, at ₦2,000, maybe even ₦1,500 if I negotiated properly. But this amount, on my salary of ₦30,000 which I shared between my mother and a cousin, wasn’t something I carried around. At the time, I didn’t appreciate how serious my situation was. Even when we got to the station, I stupidly thought I could still beg my way out of it, or help would somehow come for me. But by 1 pm, when none of these had happened, I was charged with ‘wilful destruction of property’ at Ikoyi Magistrate and remanded in Ikoyi prison. I didn’t stand a chance.

    Even though I was in prison for a month and some days, the time I spent there broke me. It’s difficult to narrate and even harder to forgive.

    On my first day in prison, there’s no other way to put it, I was rushed by the older inmates. While getting kicked and punched, I struggled to explain that I was new, and begged them to release me. I believed they had me confused for someone else. When this only made them hit harder, I kept quiet, praying for a quick end to the attack. Eventually, I was told it was the prison idea of a welcome party. The guards and wardens knew when this happened, yet nobody stopped it.

    If there’s one thing I learned in Nigerian prison, it’s that Nigeria is a reflection of its prison system. It is filled with people who want to escape. The prison is run by people unconcerned with those placed under their care, just like the country it operates in. It is also run down and powered by bribes like I came to find out.

    There is no part of prison life that doesn’t feel like it is made specifically to break you. Even eating was difficult. We were served twice every day: morning and night. Breakfast was always small portions of watery beans and garri, while dinner was eba with pepper and water — their idea of stew. My body didn’t adjust to the meals quickly, and my stomach was always upset early on, which was even worse for me because the prison space is set up in such a way that, you’re expected to eat where you shit.

    The only way I can describe the way we slept is to liken it to chickens in a coop. We slept on the bare, overcrowded floor, dreading every breath exhaled from the next person, each one of us praying they were just a size smaller, so our limbs wouldn’t have to touch on hot nights.

    The hopelessness I experienced in prison was so present and so real, you could have stretched and touched it.

    While I was trying to make sense of my situation, my employers and mother — who eventually came to know what happened to me ⁠— were doing their best to get me out. From their daily visits, I learned that there was no real case against me, that the police and some members of the judiciary were only trying to get some money, a game they usually played on easy targets. It was from these visits I learned at least three bribes had to be paid by visitors. 

    Before my time in prison, I had no reason to consider the problems the judiciary; I had problems of my own. But by the end of my second week in prison, those problems became mine when, at my second appearance at the Ikoyi Magistrate, I was informed that the charge against me, was no longer just the willful destruction of property, but had increased to include cultism.

    According to the lawyer hired by my employers, this was an effort by the police and members of the judiciary to make sure a bribe for my bail — ₦100,000 was paid. 

    In the remaining weeks, while my stomach adjusted to the meals and I learned to carry out commands to clear waste from the older inmates quickly, to avoid another ‘rushing’ — my lawyer did a lot of running around, trying to get the bail money reduced and sureties to stand in for me.

    During that time, to cheer my mother, whose visits always started and ended in tears, I would tell her the progress my lawyer had made with reducing my bail, both of us choosing to ignore the fact that my freedom was being priced like choice meat in the market.

    Eventually, ₦20,000 was agreed on, which thanks to my mother, her church group and my employers was paid at the end of my fourth week behind bars. I was only allowed to leave five days after the money was paid, because one of the people responsible for keeping me locked up, refused to share it equally with the rest of his group.

    It’s been some months since I was released, but it is still hard to describe the feeling of taking the first steps outside of prison at almost midnight, not quite a free man, but thankfully no-longer an imprisoned one.

    (The narrator has since  had the charges against him dismissed, but chose not to relay the details)

  • How Is It, Growing Up With Anxiety?

    How Is It, Growing Up With Anxiety?
    Illustration by Celia Jacobs

    To get a better understanding of Nigerian life, we started a series called ‘Compatriots’, detailing the everyday life of the average Nigerian. As a weekly column, a new installment will drop every Tuesday, exploring some other aspect of the Nigerian landscape.

    This week, we got in touch with a woman who has struggled with mental health almost all of her life. She narrates her ordeal with anxiety and the steps she’s taking to overcome her illness.

    I have this fun memory. It’s from 2013, when I was in my second year in university. 

    It was past 1 am. I had just ended a call and was standing directly outside my hostel – a 4 man room aberration, which instead housed an additional 12 limbs. I was on perhaps my second plot at making a return to my room.

    At my first go, knowing most of my roommates were awake, I practised engaging the nicest in conversation as soon as I made my re-entry. Perhaps I would inquire as to why she remained awake and what time her first class of the day was to hold as I made my way to my bed.

    On the second try, I toyed with the idea of a stoic re-entry —  making a solemn climb to my top-bunk, leaving them to wonder what manner of news I had just received.

    At the third iteration, I would simply walk back in, say a jolly goodnight and make my way to bed. 

    Rehearsing the third plot a second time for good measure, I turned the door handle and made my way into a room filled with girls, almost immorally huddled together. They were too lost in conversation to notice the fidgety roommate who threw a practiced “goodnight” their way, before sauntering off to bed.

    You see in 2013, my anxiety had gotten so complex, I couldn’t for the life of me, pick a telephone call or make a casual re-entry into a room without first, second and third guessing myself. 

    And this was only my reaction to telephone calls.

    When I was younger. I was a professional worrywart. I had an inexhaustible list of fears: masquerades, dogs without leashes, naked flames and all costumed cast members of “Tales by Moonlight” to name a few. As I got older these fears went from strictly concrete worries to increasingly versatile sources of consternation.

    By secondary school, I had become one of those children whose descriptors usually circled around ‘strange’. I had bad luck making friends and routinely broke out in a sweat when asked questions in class. One time, I infamously froze when directed to address an assembly of my peers, and while this may sound dramatic, I’m sure I saw the face of death at the turn of every examination.

    At the time, beyond a popular hymn, I had no notion of the concept of anxiety. I would never have thought to class my bewilderment in the face of public addresses or the daily foreboding I experienced making the drive up to the school gates, as anything other than a typical teenage aversion to education. Had my school counselling unit served as anything but a glorified sorting hat, it’s still highly unlikely I would have ventured in to seek guidance for what was so clearly, the beginning stages of anxiety.

    When I made the leap to university, my anxiety had grown, seemingly overnight from an almost understanding juvenile nuisance, to an ugly, three-headed and gnarled thing lurking in the shadows, waiting on any moment, opportune or otherwise to make an appearance.

    To have a sense of my situation, imagine having to question just about every social interaction you possibly engage in: getting into a bus convinced the passengers hate you, having to rehearse a speech before making purchases at the market, dissolving into steam at the thought of giving a presentation, etc., then you might have a faint idea of how my time in university went and how the world currently plays out for me.

    Following my hostel re-entry incident,  I began to wonder if there wasn’t more to my years of incessant worry. When I came across Social Anxiety Disorder  (SAD) —  a result produced from an internet search of my symptoms — I approached the diagnosis with the trepidation of a cold-sufferer, Google-diagnosed with cancer. Could I really have a mental health issue?

    “Social anxiety disorder or social anxiety is an excessive emotional discomfort, fear, or worry about social situations.” It went on to list its symptoms, from which I had my pick.

    Yes, I had an excessive fear of embarrassment. Therein lay the real reason I woke at 4 am to clean up in the hostel bathroom, and not the supposed state of cleanliness of the bathroom as I liked to claim. 

    And correct, I avoided situations where I could be the centre of attention, if my illogical avoidance of the Engineering faculty walkway was anything to go by. But it seemed all too generic, indicative of mere timidity and not what could potentially be a mental health condition.

    It just seemed ironic that this disorder could easily be conflated with a heightened sense of importance. After all, it angles on an individual believing themselves the center of attention, a position I would have given away tax free.

    But even my doubt couldn’t explain away my sweaty palms when carrying out trivial things like ordering food at a crowded restaurant, or my most extreme reaction till date — a one-week anxiety fueled bender, where I lost almost 2 kg in weight, complete with panic attacks and spontaneous tears, brought on by the fear of failing a final year exam for which I was prepared.

    Or somehow never being able to hold on to relationships and maintaining solitary, indoor weekends, public holidays and sick days with the fervency of the devout.

    It’s been years since I accepted my SAD diagnosis, triple confirmed through a series of tests and a consultation. While self-help in the form of assertiveness, breathing exercises and step-by-step planning have been my key tools in managing the disorder; a little divine help has come in from time to time, to manage its management in the giant of Africa, Nigeria. 

    Here, I’ve had to forego sick days on account of anxiety attacks for fear of being labelled the office-crazy, a tag I’ve tried my hardest to avoid in a still mentally closeted country. Or having to every couple of months, remind your family that you cannot ⁠— no matter what apostle says ⁠— pray away the disorder.

    I wish I could say my anxiety was in the past, that I’m now cured and do not consider retreating to a hermit life every fortnight, but I’m learning that it’s okay sometimes to admit that there’s something wrong or to reach out and ask for help. It’s a step-by-step process and I’m okay with that.