Buffets are one of my most favourite things. Eat all, you can for a fixed time at a fixed price? Challenge accepted. But there’s a fine art to getting the most out of buffets. There are certain things you should know before you take on a buffet and I’m here to help you out. 

Prep yourself.

You’ll need a healthy dose of shamelessness, loose-fitting clothes, comfortable shoes and a near empty tummy in order for you to enjoy the buffet. Don’t joke around with getting ready for this, you are on a mission. And you’ll conquer it.

Go early to maximise your time there. 

There is no point going to a buffet that has only an hour left on the time. Except is free or you are eating on someone else’s buck. Go bright and early when all the dishes are still full, and some of them haven’t even been brought out yet.

Eat a snack.

Not eating at all is a scam. Eat just enough to prep your stomach but not enough to fill you up. If you go on an empty stomach, you won’t make it past one main course meal. Take it from an expert.

Scope out your targets.

Don’t just get up and grab the first thing you see. Scout through first. Take your time scanning through what they have to offer open every dish, every bowl, enter every corner ask all the questions you want to ask.

Walk around again then prioritise. 

Anything that looks dodgy free it. Take samples of things you are not sure of before you take a full plate of it and waste stomach real estate. You don’t have to go back and forth with the samples. Put as many small portions as you can, of everything you want on one plate. Then go and try them.

Start small.

Don’t heap up the first plate you take with rice and pounded yam. Maybe have some fruit first. Or some bread rolls with some soup, or even a salad. This also helps with not giving anyone an inclination to what is about to go down.

Don’t force yourself to finish anything you don’t like.

Move to the next. And if they run out of something you do like don’t hesitate to ask about whether it’s going to be refilled. Use the money you spent on the buffet in such a way that you’ll know, there’s no change left.

Pace yourself. 

 If you have three or four hours to eat, you don’t have to eat everything in the first hour. After your first main meal. Relax, gist, give your stomach space to get ready for the next thing.

Bon apetit! Now you can go home and sleep well because you know you spent every kobo of your money. And if you couldn’t, well at least you live to conquer another buffet.

Although pancakes are foreign to us, they’ve somehow become a staple in some Nigerian homes. Whether as breakfast or a snack.

No one is sure of how Nigerians got introduced to pancakes. But like suits and Christianity, it’s a very western import.

One of the best things about Nigerians is their ability to take anything and make it their own. Like with Jollof rice, for example, I bet there are Senegalese people out there who think Jollof originates from Nigeria. And so with pancake, Nigerians have managed to also make it their own. I talked to 6 Nigerians about how they make their pancakes and their answers were as Nigerian you can expect.

First of all for some context, here’s a regular pancake recipe.

The way oyibo people intended for it to be. Next up are 6 very Nigerian Pancake recipes.

Sikemi’s Recipe

I grew up with my mum making pancakes with pepper and onions. And now I just can’t have it any other way. In fact I didn’t even know you could make it any other way until I was in like SS3. I remember having the conversation with a group of ‘bubblers’. They called me razz for eating my pancakes with pepper and onions.

Adedoyin’s Recipe

I don’t think I have a particularly Nigerian way of making my pancakes. The only thing is I don’t know how to make it with powdered milk. Always has to be evaporated milk. You might think there’ll no difference in the taste but there always is.

Tomisin’s Recipe

I put crayfish in my pancakes. And no matter how many people tell me how disgusting and mad I am, I’ll continue to do so. It’s not even like you’ll notice it because I grind my crayfish very fine. I just have a crayfish problem it’s not like I expect it to be in pancakes. I put crayfish in everything from my indomie to my stew. Once it can be cooked on a stove, crayfish is going in there.

Nora’s Recipe

I hated pancakes for the longest time because they always tasted so bland to me. No matter what I paired it with. Whether it was with eggs or sausages or you use syrup to decorate the face. I just couldn’t stand it. That’s until my former housemate gave me pancakes with rodo in it. Since then its been my favourite snack.

Adeshola’s Recipe

I’ve heard some people add pepper and all sorts to their pancakes but me I just like it plain. I tend to put quite a lot of sugar though because I have a sweet tooth. I think the only difference between the way I make pancakes, and the way I’ve seen it made in like cooking shows and stuff is that I put a lot of water in it. Like I can put a drum of water because I like it to be very thin.

Ganiyat’s* Recipe

Please keep me anon o. But I like to put little bits of smoked fish in my pancakes. I’m a Hausa girl who grew up on masa and pancakes for me are a whole lot like masa. We used to eat masa with anything in my house. Fish o, meat o, chicken o. So when I got introduced to pancakes in uni I played around with the recipe a little and ended up loving a bit of fish in my pancakes.

*name changed.

How do you like your pancakes? What fun twist do you add to it that makes it as Nigerian as you?

Boarding house memories usually elicit two kinds of emotions. Either PTSD at the level of trauma you experienced from bullies or nostalgia at memories of friends, field trips or for me eating boarding house meals.

Having gone to a Federal Government secondary school, you can imagine that the food was far from great. But it wasn’t just about the food. It was also about the people it was shared with and the bonds that form when everyone on a table forgets their cutlery and you all end up sharing one.

It doesn’t matter what kind of boarding school you went to, or where in Nigeria it was. Some staple meals were prepared across all boarding schools in Nigeria. And I decided to rank them. From the meals that had me braving punishment to avoid the dining hall, to the ones that had me waiting at the dining hall door before the meal bell even went off.

Eba/Semo and anything.

Whether it was paired with a sad vegetable type soup. Or Egusi which was always made up of more water than actual Egusi. Eba was the worst thing to plague the dining halls of boarding schools countrywide. The stories are the same everywhere. Hard, cold, stale mounds that could serve better as balls than food. Sometimes in place of Eba, sad, lumpy mounds of Semo will be served.

Indomie or spaghetti.

Several years after leaving boarding school, I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that several school administrators, or whoever was in charge of making these decisions thought it’ll be a great idea to cook Indomie or spaghetti for hundreds of students at once. In schools where the entire boarding school consisted of less than a hundred students of course it worked great. But in schools were 100 students made up JSS2 X and Y only it was an absolute disaster.

Porridge.

You know the porridge that made Esau give up his birthright. You could never find it in a Nigerian boarding school. What you’d find instead will be a yellow sludge completely devoid of any kind of vegetable and sometimes even yam. In fact, the only way you got chunks of yam in your porridge is if you fought to be one of the first people served on your table. If you happened to be the last you’d get a palm oily mash with a vague yam taste.

Bread and stew.

Here’s the thing about bread and stew. It could easily go either way. Depending on the time of the day, the colour of the sky and who’s on duty in the kitchen, it could easily be your best meal of the week. Like on the days where the bread was delivered fresh that very morning, and the stew was thick and nice, even containing some bits of fish. But the slightest shift in the cosmos could have you eating days old bread, with stew that looks like the water they used to wash the stew pot.

White rice and stew.

Much like bread and stew, white rice and stew could also go either way. If luck is on your side the piece of meat or fish you get might be a little bigger than the usual sugar cube size. And instead of getting a rice mash that only needs a little prompting to turn into tuwo, you’d get a bowl with distinct grains and little to no granules of sand.

Beans and plantain.

Beans and plantain is so high up on this list not because of the beans, but because of the precious dodo you got to eat. Usually only once a week. Just seeing the brown, soggy pieces of plantain was enough to make you forget about the watery mess the beans usually was. For the days where garri replaced plantain, it’s only right that it ranks even below Eba.

Bread/yam and eggs.

Whether it was boiled egg or ‘scrambled egg’ made with mostly onions and way too much oil, bread and eggs was one meal that managed to almost be consistently right. Maybe it was because it was usually served on Monday mornings and the cooks liked to take pity on us at the beginning of the week. Or the fact that it’s just really had to get it wrong. Especially on days where boiled eggs are served. Whatever it is, I’m still grateful for it. Especially because of those weeks of drought where you had run out of provisions and visiting day was still weeks away.

Pap and akara.

The staple meal of many a Saturday and Sunday morning, in not just boarding schools but in many Nigerian homes. Pap and Akara was one of the best boarding house meals. The trick to getting the most out of Pap and Akara days, was making sure you were one of the first people to get to the dining hall. That way your Akara is fresh and hot, the Pap is nice and thick and you can steal extra milk off other people’s tables.

Jollof rice and chicken.

There are two scenarios in which Jollof rice and chicken might have been served at your boarding school. You either went to a school that served it once a week, probably on Sunday afternoons. Or you went to a school that served it only on special occasions. Like founder’s day or the principal’s birthday. Whatever the case was, one thing was sure. Days when Jollof rice and chicken were served were glorious glorious days.

According to this study, sixty to eighty percent of black people will become lactose intolerant in their lifetimes. This means that at some point in your life you’ll go from being able to wolf down dairy-based products like it’s nothing, to sitting doubled over on the toilet for hours just because you had a bowl of cereal.  So, if you already aren’t lactose intolerant, your chances of escape are very slim.

And if like me, you are lactose intolerant and happen to be a Nigerian living in Nigeria this is pretty much how life goes down for you.

You are in a constant state of denial.

The first stage of being lactose intolerant is being in denial. For many people, it’s the only stage because is a life without milk even worth living? It all starts when you notice that your regular morning cup of tea has you visiting the office toilet one too many times. Then comes the cramps, the bloating and flatulence all because you had a pack of Hollandia. But you stay in denial.

You’ll slowly discover there’s actually quite a bit of food you really shouldn’t eat.

When you think about lactose intolerance, in theory, it doesn’t seem all that bad. All you need to do is avoid milk and dairy products and you are good. It’s not like you even like milk like that, and it’s not preventing you from eating things like Jollof rice or small chops. Then you realize you can’t randomly buy FanIce when you are stuck in traffic (especially when you are stuck in traffic). Or hit up your Fura plug on a busy day. And it all goes downhill from there.

You’ll get a lot of ‘what’s that one again’ when explaining your dietary constraints.

Once in a blue moon, you’ll take pity upon yourself and your poor stomach and actually try to avoid milk and other dairy products. Which is likely to garner curiosity when you turn down free pizza slices because it’s someone’s birthday at work. You could explain that you are lactose intolerant and only practising self-care. Which is likely to get you a couple of ‘you’ve come agains’. Or you could go to the unquestionable route and just say you are fasting.

You’ll spend a large amount of time praying and hoping when you suddenly break out in beads of sweat in public spaces.

You are no stranger to this feeling. One minute all is fine with the world. The next minute a strange chill comes upon you. The hair on your arms stand and you break out in a sweat. Which means you have anywhere from two to thirty minutes to find yourself a toilet. And that’s when you start hoping and praying your stomach behaves itself long enough for you to get home, because have you seen public bathrooms.

You’ll suddenly want nothing more than you want dairy products.

You know how kids react when their toys are taken away from them? Well, that’s exactly how full-grown adults react when they discover that their body is revolting against dairy products. They suddenly can’t imagine a life without it. You might not have had a bowl of cereal in months, then you find out you are lactose intolerant and all of a sudden you want to have a bowl of more milk than cereal for breakfast lunch and dinner.

Denouncing anything dairy every five to seven working days.

This usually occurs after a particularly harrowing encounter between you, your stomach and a toilet. Like that time the office toilet was out of service and you had to use the one meant for the opposite sex. Or being a little tipsy and suddenly having to take a shit at 3am in a grimy club’s toilet.

Last last it won’t kill you.

No one takes the phrase ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ more seriously than a lactose intolerant person. Especially when they are wolfing down half a tub of ice cream at 10pm knowing fully well, that will mean being in the toilet from 2am to 5am.

Last last, you are a Nigerian living in Nigeria. And if that hasn’t killed you yet, what’s a little lactose intolerance?

Samosa

Gizzard

Spring rolls

Chicken

Mosa

Puff puff

Honorary mention – Peppered Snail

I spend a ridiculous percent of my salary on food. It’s not like I haven’t tried to cut down. I just don’t want to. And brothers and sisters I’m a firm believer in this life na one. Instead of just adding inches to my waistline, and leaving my bank account in tears, I thought I’d try something new with my love affair with food.

Every month I’ll share the best food I’ve had, so you guys don’t end up wasting money in places that think poundo yam can pass for pounded yam.

Sometimes it’ll be just Lagos, where I live. If I’m on the road, then you know I’m going to link you up with the best Abacha in let’s say Enugu. But for the months of January and February here are the best things I ate.

Not your average jollof spaghetti.

I’ve had a friend describe Spaghetti Bolognese as Jollof spaghetti garnished with corned beef. I guess that’s the most Nigerian way to describe it. Spaghetti Bolognese is one of my favourite foods and I think it’s very hard to mess it up spaghetti but some Nigerian restaurants will try their hardest to prove you wrong.

The Bolognese at Maison Kayser, however, checks all the right boxes. I’m also very partial to Italian food, so their whole menu has me excited.  They also may or may not be making this list because they give a pretty packed complimentary bread basket. And the only thing I like more than food is awoof.

Location: 864 Bishop Ayoade Cole Street, Victoria Island

You should try: The Bolognese of cause and don’t waste that bread basket. They also make a pretty mean lasagna on some days.

Pizza that’s not bread and stew.

If I were an evangelist my gospel would be that Pizza-Riah makes the best pizza in town. I’ll get a bell and walk the streets of Lagos preaching it so that you’ll people will stop suffering at the hands of pizza franchises in Lagos. Their pizza is pretty much within the same price range as any other place so if you find yourself in V.I. craving pizza don’t let me hear you went anywhere else.

Location : 13 Musa Yar’Adua Street, Victoria Island, Lagos.

You should try: Marinara pizza if you are a seafood lover, Suya if you are not.

Yam pounded with love from Iya Sulaiman.

Iya Sulaiman is my discovery of the month. Even though I’m super late to the party and still holding a grudge with my coworkers who didn’t point me in her direction sooner.  She makes proper pounded yam, not the one from a pack that some criminal establishments try to pass off as pounded yam. She also makes pretty good Amala. I’d say it’s better than Olaiyas but I’d pick Abula from Nok over it.

Location: Ilupeju

You should try: The pounded yam with her Eforiro. Throw in a ton of shaki in there. She makes the type that won’t fight you back when you are eating it.

Icecream flavored suya or suya flavored ice cream?

Icecream and suya were words I never thought would (or should) go together. But Cactus took a risk and tried it. While it’s not replacing any of my favourite flavours any time soon, I think it’s totally worth trying. I mean someone combined suya and ice cream and it didn’t result in a total disaster.

Location: 20, 24 Ozumba Mbadiwe Road, Victoria Island, Lagos.

You should try: Asides the suya ice cream, their cheesecake is something you didn’t realize you need in your life until now.

The Amala that went to Harvard.

I already talked about the Amala from Nok here. And it’s become almost habitual to stop at Nol every now and then for their Amala. Even though I live in Surulere and they are in V.I. It’s that good.

It feels wrong to talk about Nok without talking about the goat sliders from their Nok garden menu. If money should reach after buying the Amala, you should totally go for them to

Location: 12a Akin Olugbade Street, Victoria Island, Lagos.

You should try: The Abula, and their ‘Eko Traffic’ cocktail.

Chocolate Bliss.

Pure Bliss finally levelled up and started making the chocolate version of their popular wafers. Even though finding it has been harder than finding Ambode (seriously where’s uncle ambo) on this Lagos streets I finally got my hands on it and it’s simply blissful

Even more spaghetti.

The Spaghetti Marinara at Traffic Bar is a little cost at 9500 but it’s the kind of thing you buy just after they’ve paid you salary and you’ve settled all your gbese. It’s also a pretty large serving so last last you can split it with a friend. It’s also spicy enough to appeal to your Nigerian side which is what most people complain about in Lagos.

Location: 1 Polo Road, Ikoyi, Lagos.

You should try: The Marinara definitely but stay away from their margaritas. If you can handle pepper their gas meat is also pretty good.

Aganyin as the Lord indented it to be.

I already talked about Aganyin Palace here. But here’s a friendly reminder that they do Aganyin very right. I’m pretty sure any UNILAG person can testify to this.

Location: Jaja shopping complex, University of Lagos, Lagos.

You would try: Dodo with your Aganyin and bread. See that’s the quickest way to use enjoyment to kill yourself.

Till next month, chop life dey go. Literally.

If you are thirsty you had better order water. If want to feel fancy you can ask them for slices of lemon and ice to put in your cup.

Eat before you go out to eat.

It’s 2019 why are you still going to restaurants that don’t give complimentary appetizers.

Because we are all mad in Lagos, some restaurants will make you pay as much as 1k for a takeaway pack for leftovers.

Mocktails are cheaper than cocktails. So if you want a cocktail invest in a hip flask and spike your mocktails.

Don’t play around with happy hours.

New restaurant, new birthday.

Except you just collected salary what are you looking for buying food off the main menu?

Follow all of your favourite places on Instagram so that you never miss out on deals.

The veggie version of any meal is always cheaper.

Why order dessert when you can go and taste ten flavours of ice-cream at any ice-cream store and call it a day.

Armed with these new hacks I’ve been so gracious to share, go forth and chop life.