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For all of the flak I give them, I’m a pretty regular customer at Domino’s. Mostly because I live in Surulere and my favourite pizza place is all the way in VI. It also doesn’t help that a Domino’s outlet popped up 5 minutes away from where I live a couple of months ago.
If I’m being fair, I’ve probably been overly critical of the pizza at Domino’s. If you know what to order, they can be decent almost good even. My current favourite indulgence is the pan version of their ‘Extravaganza’ (hold the pepperoni).
What I find most interesting about Domino’s apart from the fact that they don’t seem to know what cheese is, or that stew isn’t a substitute for pizza sauce, is that they constantly find new ways to draw customers in. Since they opened their doors in 2012 they’ve created new flavours, sizes and campaigns to cater specifically to the Nigerian market. And from all indication, it’s working. 7 years after they opened their first outlet in Lagos, they now have a hundred stores across the country.
A couple of weeks ago, the pizza chain launched an aggressive campaign to market ‘Chairman’ their extra large pizza. This just comes just a couple of months after they launched ‘Smallie’ their budget size pizza on steroids. It is a near bite-size version of all of their pizza flavours and it costs just 500 naira making it a perfect quick snack for one person. It was an instant hit.
Not one to step off their competitors’ necks, last month they introduce a new pizza size – Chairman. The 16-inch extra large pizza is the biggest size you can get at any pizza outlet in Lagos. Priced between 6,200 to 7,000 naira I got curious about whether or not coughing out more money for those extra inches was really worth it.
For more context, the medium-sized pizza at Domino’s is 12 inches round while the large size is 14 inches. Dominos pizzas come priced at different rates for different flavours and sizes. You could also add on or take out a bunch of stuff which tends to affect the price. To conduct my experiment for this article however, I decided to stick to a classic – plain old pepperoni, no extra cheese or frills.
A medium sized box of their Classic Pepperoni cost 2,700 naira, a large size costs 4,000 naira, and the new ‘Chairman’ size costs 6,200 naira. So while the extra two inches I’d get when upgrading from medium to large will cost me an additional 1,300 naira, It’ll cost an additional 2,200 naira to upgrade from a large box to ‘Chairman’ and I’d still be getting only two extra inches. So I went back to scour through the promotional content they had put out to market this new size. According to their ads ‘Chairman’ is 30% bigger than their regular large size and they are right, a 16-inch pizza is actually about 31% larger than a 14 inch. Still, the math wasn’t adding up for me. Why did I have to pay 2,200 naira to upgrade from the large to ‘Chairman’, but only 1,300 naira to upgrade from medium to large.
However, here’s the thing when it comes to circles, it wasn’t enough to calculate the circumference and use that, you also need to calculate the surface area and all that jazz. God bless the internet of nifty tools you never knew you needed because I’m ridiculously bad at math and any calculations I would have attempted would have ended up being absurdly flawed. I stumbled on a pizza calculator that would automatically let me know which size was more bang for buck and got to work. I started with comparing the medium to large, turns out a medium sized pizza is more worth your money, and every bite of a large sized pizza is 9% more expensive than medium.
Then I compared the large size to ‘Chairman’ and the large had it. Each bite of ‘Chairman’ is a whole 19% more expensive than the large size. You do get 3% more topping on every bite, which I guess counts for something.
Even though the ‘Chairman’ might truly be 30% bigger than the large size that extra 2,200 naira you have to pay for it isn’t worth it. It also turns out your best bet when buying a pizza at Dominos is the medium size. However, they have a turn of deals and promotions currently running to push ‘Chairman’ now, you guys might want to get in there.
The concept behind Aso-Ebi is great. Get all of your friends and family to show up and show out decked in the same ‘fit. But here’s a fun fact about buying Aso-Ebi, it’s cost. And you know what’s even worse? Most of the time you can’t say no to it.
Still, you don’t have to buy every Amaka, Dami and Hauwa’s Aso-Ebi. Deciding whose to buy and who to say ‘thank you next’ to can be tricky, but I’m here to help.
Have you spoken to the person in the last year?
You might have been BFFs in primary school or secondary school, but if you haven’t spoken to the person in at least a year, you have no business buying their Aso-Ebi. You might have known what their favourite food, colour and musician were when you guys were 13, but you don’t even know their husband’s first name now and you want to spend your hard earned coins to buy their Aso-Ebi.
How close are you?
Do you know when’s a great time to assess just how important a friend is to you? When they ask you to buy their Aso-Ebi. Yes, you guys have gone for a couple of lunches together and are in one or two Whatsapp groups. But do you even know her middle name or where she works?
How many friends do you have?
Having a lot of friends is great. Especially during events like your birthday or your wedding. It’s not as great when ten of them decide to marry in two months and they all have Aso-Ebi for you to buy. It’s at that point you need to prioritize your friendships. Who forgot to call you on your last birthday? Who did you get into a fight with recently? It’s not like you are petty or you like to hold on to grudges, you just have to do what you need to do.
Is it family?
It’s easy to come up with excuses to not buy your friend’s Aso-Ebi, but it’s a whole lot harder with family. If it’s family you might just have no option but to buy it.
If it’s family, how close are you?
There’s family and there’s ‘family sha’. If the Aso-Ebi is for a first cousin you grew up seeing almost every holiday then, of course, you should buy it. If it’s for a fourth cousin removed, who you met once when you were ten years old and don’t even know what she currently looks like, save your money for the next Aso-Ebi gbese.
Do you have the colour at home?
If you are a veteran in this Aso-Ebi buying business, odds are you already have something like the fuchsia green and purple Aso-Ebi someone is trying to get you to buy. So if you have something that’s remotely close to the colour in your closet, you know what needs to be done. Save your coins.
Do you have someone to share with?
Let’s be honest if you are not the bride or the bride’s mother, nothing you are making out of the Aso-Ebi should need 6 yards. Find a mutual friend to split the cost with. Worst case scenario, if the material isn’t enough for what you want to sew, your tailor will help you add crepe to it.
Do you have shame?
Shamelessness is a powerful tool we should all have in our arsenal of emotions. Once you can’t be shamed the only times you’ll ever need to buy Aso-Ebi is when you really want to. When you are shameless no social media post subbing you or side eye for wearing something different to the wedding can move you.
Are you going to have to borrow money to buy it?
You’d think this would go without saying, but if you need to borrow money to buy anybody’s Aso-Ebi, including your best friend since you were a toddler. Don’t. Buy. It. Don’t offer to pay in instalments, don’t offer to pick it up on credit, just don’t buy it.
Most importantly, how much is it?
When it comes down to it, the most important determinant of whether or not you are going to buy that Aso-Ebi is how much it costs. Does it cost more than your monthly food and transport budget combined? Then nope. Does it cost more than the last really nice thing you bought for yourself? Then tell the bride no thank you.
See I know Nigerians don’t know how to take no for an answer, especially when there’s no good reason behind it. So here are 15 excuses you can use to avoid buying Aso-Ebi, when you really don’t want to.
From vegetarian to paleo to keto diets, it seems like a new diet and fitness fad pops up every minute. I had never paid any attention to them until I noticed I had added more than an inch or two to my waistline. I decided to do something about it.
I considered all my options very carefully and started with joining a gym for a month. If anyone took the time to check how many times I came in, I’d probably get a refund. I decided to try out a diet. My biggest dilemma with all of the weight loss plans I researched, was that I only wanted to lose a couple of inches of my waistline. With my newfound weight, my otherwise nonexistent butt had taken on some form of shape and I was filling out my jeans. But I also have an affinity for crop tops and itty bitty slinky dresses and I didn’t like the way my love handles were hanging out of them.
I took a deep dive into the world of diet fads and came out with two solutions for my peculiar problem. First of all, I had to find a way to cut down on carbs to trim my waistline. That seems easy enough if your favourite food isn’t any kind of pasta and you consider a whole box of pizza a snack. I also needed to control my portions. The problem was I needed to find a diet where I could still eat anything I wanted while doing these things. And that’s how I found intermittent fasting. With it, in theory, I could eat anything I wanted just not anytime I wanted.
There’s no one way to do intermittent fasting. There’s the 5:2 method where you eat regularly for 5 days a week and fast for 2 days. Then there’s the Alternate-Day-Fasting where you fast every other day. The most suitable for me, however, seemed to be the 16/8 method. With it, I’d be fasting 16 hours a day and eating for 8. Following the diet meant I could only eat between 11 am and 8 pm. If I had dinner at 10 pm I couldn’t eat till 1 pm the next day. It seemed easy enough in theory. Here’s how my first week went.
Monday
In an attempt to cut out carbs from my diet I switched from my usual pastry filled breakfast to fruit smoothies. On Monday morning I woke up nice and early and dutifully made my breakfast made up of bananas, an avocado, apples and some greek yoghurt. I got into work at about 9:30 am and popped my smoothie in the fridge. On a regular day, I’d be having meat pie and tea with enough milk to give the office admin manager a mini-stroke for breakfast as soon as I got in at 9 am. Today I had to wait till 11 am to have my smoothie.
It was easy enough, an extra two hours wasn’t going to kill me. At 11 am I had my smoothie and the minute I dropped the bottle, I realised I was even hungrier than before I had the smoothie. While I’d have had my lunch at 3 pm I had it at 1 pm, which meant that by 5 pm I was hungry again. I stopped by Cakes and Cream on my way home and bought a couple of slices. The plan was to have a bit of it every day for the rest of the week. Never a full slice at a go. I had two slices before 8 pm and consumed half a box of leftover pizza before going to bed.
Tuesday
Feeling bad about all the junk I ate the night before, I decided to fast for 17 hours instead. Still determined to stick to my smoothie breakfast I had one at 12 pm. This time I loaded up on the yoghurt and drank it very slowly. I read somewhere that eating slowly can help you fill up faster. By 12:30 pm I realised not everything you read is true. By 1:30 pm I had a headache, by 2 pm I was snapping at my coworkers for no reason. I had my lunch at 3 pm to prevent myself from having a large dinner like the day before, and it worked. By 7:30 pm I had some spaghetti and stir fry and called it a day.
Wednesday
I got into work at 9 am. I couldn’t make my usual smoothie because NEPA was well being NEPA and my generator had given up on me the night before. My plan was simple, fill up on water until I could have my lunch at 2 pm. The only flaw in my plan was that water is no remedy for hunger and our Admin guy had just stocked up on biscuits that morning. I nibbled on one at 9:30 and planned to have just a couple with a cup of green tea at 11 am. By 10:30 I was halfway through the pack.
I managed to reign in my appetite to have a lunch of Jollof rice, plantain and beef at 3 pm and some dodgy slices of pizza I didn’t know were still in my freezer for dinner at 9 pm. I also found a slice of cake and I Googled how many calories are contained in 3 slices of pizza and a slice of cake as I ate. Coming to the realisation that the number was ten times my weight didn’t stop me for finishing them off.
Thursday
I woke up knowing trying to stick to my ‘diet’ was going to be tough. On Thursdays, I work remotely which meant I’d be home all day in super close proximity to my freezer which was almost always full of leftovers. My first mistake was opting to eat a full meal of rice and stew for breakfast. By 1 pm I had talked myself into believing I deserved a cheat day for being somewhat well behaved for 3 whole days. I nibbled on some pringles at 2, tore into a bar of chocolate at 4, ordered rice from TFC at 5 and couldn’t help but throw in a burger into my order. By 6 my food came and I started with my rice. I meant to keep the burger for later but I ended up eating it almost immediately after the rice. Thankfully I ended up feeling too bloated and uncomfortable for the rest of the day to eat anything else. As far as cheat days go I didn’t think I did too badly.
Friday
It’s back to regular programming and I find myself busier than usual at work. I barely have time to gulp down my smoothie at 12 pm before getting into a flurry of activities that stopped me from having lunch until 4 pm. I get home and for the first time the whole week I can’t find anything to eat in my freezer. I settled for making another smoothie for dinner.
Saturday & Sunday
I realise I have two weddings and a party on Sunday. I declared the whole weekend a ‘cheat weekend’ and promise myself to continue my diet on Monday. This week we go again.
What makes for the perfect eggs? Does it have to scrambled dry or left a little runny? Cooked plain with a pinch of salt and butter? Or cooked chokeful with vegetables and whatever else you could lay your hands on?
For me, the perfect eggs are moist plain scrambled eggs. Cooked with a lot of butter and pinch of salt black pepper and parsley. According to the first person I talked to for this article, that might as well be dog food. So I asked him and 6 other people what made the perfect eggs. While I don’t agree with their answers they are certainly interesting.
No need for senrenre
I just don’t think there is a need for any senrenere when it comes to eggs. A bit of onion someone Cameroon pepper and you are good. Anything else in eggs is just doing too much.
Never fry it
I’m weird with eggs. I can eat three boiled eggs in a day every single day but I really hate fried eggs. Want to know how to make the perfect eggs? Always boil it, never fry it. That’s it, pretty simple.
Pad the eggs
There’s was this video that was trending one time with this guy telling a mai shai to keep adding sardine or something to his eggs. That guy is me, I’m that guy. I’ll add anything I can lay my hands on into my eegs. Sardine, corned beef, sausages, I just need something to pad the eggs.
Egg whites only please
Fried plain white eggs are my idea of perfect eggs. Separate the yolk from the eggs and just throw it away, whisk your egg whites hard and fry them with small butter.
The spicier the better
The spicier the better when it comes to eggs. And when I say spicy I’m not talking about just pepper, please. If you are someone who likes to play around with spices then eggs are the perfect playground. I don’t think there is anything you could put in them that’d ruin them. Not even pepper soup spice and trust me I’ve tried that. It’s bomb.
Boiled runny and fried dry
I like my boiled eggs very runny and my fried or scrambled eggs very dry. And in my opinion that’s the only way to make those two types of eggs. If you eat hardboiled eggs you clearly aren’t ready for the finer things of life. If you eat runny fried or scrambled eggs you must be a disgo. No two ways about it.
Don’t bother with boiled eggs
Eggs might be the plainest food in the world. Which is why I don’t even bother with boiled eggs. You can’t do anything with it. I don’t mind it in a salad or a sandwich or something but I can’t just boil an egg and start eating it. Unlike fried eggs. If you do fried eggs right, it could be a whole meal by itself. Get some onions in there, a whole lot of bell peppers, and some sausages and you have yourself a great breakfast in 5 minutes
Just throw it away
So here’s the best way to make eggs. Pay close attention because I’m not going to go over this twice. You crack the desired number of eggs into a bowl, add some pepper, add some salt, whisk it until it’s nice and light, then pour that shit down a sink. Eggs are disgusting and there is no such thing as the perfect eggs. Period.
I’m not sure when exactly it happened but sometime within these last 5 years, the meat pie at Mr Bigg’s, which in my opinion was the best meat pie in Nigeria went to shit. I thought it was just at the branch at Gbagada where I used to live. Then I tried the one at the start of Bode Thomas which is now closed. And then the one in Ikeja City Mall, whose prices are higher than other Mr Bigg’s outlets for some reason I could go on and on but you get where this is going.
Anyone who points me in the direction of a Mr Bigg’s outlet whose meat pie still tastes the way it did 5 years ago gets to see me eat a hat.
As I mourned the death of Mr Bigg’s legendary meat pie something unbelievable happened. I came across a little cafe on the first day of a 5-day trip to Jos that arguably…scratch that, definitely was the best meat pie I had ever tasted. Including Mr Bigg’s in its prime.
I shared the good news with the friends I was travelling with – Omesham and Deyo who refused to believe me. Nowhere in Nigeria sold better meat pie than Mr Bigg’s in its prime. Given that one of them had been to nineteen out of our thirty-six states, I would have been inclined to believe. But I had seen the light and I remained adamant. I declared I would give each of them 5,000 naira each if they didn’t think the meat pie was the best they had ever tasted.
And so bright and early on the 2nd day of our trip we hurdled into a Keke and headed to the cafe. When we were 5 minutes away I began to doubt myself. ‘What if the chef messed it up today?’ ‘What if it wasn’t even that great and I was just really hungry?’ ‘What do I do if they don’t like it?’.
We get to the cafe and I offer to buy the meat pies. My first peace offering in case they didn’t like it, because I certainly didn’t have 5k to give out for no reason in the year of Buhari. Omesham takes a little nibble out of her own pie and says nothing. Deyo breaks it in half to inspect its contents before taking a bite. They are both quiet for a minute as they eat, then they Deyo breaks the silence. ‘It’s good but certainly not the best I’ve ever had’. I start to argue with her when Omesham interrupts us. ‘I really wanted you to be wrong, but you are right. It’s the best I’ve ever had’. I tell Deyo 2 out of 3 votes is all the proof I need.
Days later as we prepared to leave Jos, Deyo finally admitted she also thought the meat pie was the best she had ever had. She just couldn’t miss out on an opportunity to swindle me out of 5,000 naira.
For the rest of our stay, we showed up at that little cafe every day without fail. We’d grab breakfast in the morning before heading out to do touristy things. Stop by for lunch or dinner when we were done and head back to our hotel. We never ate at the hotel’s restaurant.
Here’s the thing about the cafe. It wasn’t just the meat pie that was perfect, everything was. In all my years of restaurant hopping, I had finally stumbled on a place with the perfect menu and it wasn’t in Lagos, the fine dining capital of Nigeria. And it wasn’t just because the most expensive thing on the menu was 2000 naira which was the cost of a whole pizza. They used fresh food to make absolutely everything. My biggest grouse with Lagos has always been all the frozen food being passed off as fresh I keep getting served in restaurants.
The owner, a small white woman who had relocated to Jos decades ago took pride in letting us know that everything on the menu was made from scratch. From some of the cheesiest lasagna I had ever had to pizza made on the thinnest most delicious crust.
For several months after my visit, I harboured fantasies about moving to Jos. Where I could eat at my little cafe every day, and buy fresh fruit juice at every corner.
If you ever find yourself in Jos, stop by The Net Cafe, 25 Ahmadu Bello Way for the best meat pie in Nigeria.
‘Unbelievably hot’. Those are the first words I usually use to describe Bauchi to almost everyone who asks what my first impression of the Northern city was. That’s usually followed by charming and historic.
In 2017 I spent 5 glorious days in the Northen state and I’ve counted the hours till I get to make a trip back since then. If you ever get to stop by, here’s how to spend your first 48 hours.
Day 1
7:00 – 8:00 am
You wake up to soft knocks on your hotel room door. You are freezing even though you slept with the air conditioner off. The origin of the knocks is an old man you assume works for the hotel. You can’t be sure because no one wears uniforms. He asks if you’ll be needing hot water. There’s no heater in your room. There’s also no electricity until 9:00 am as per ‘management’s’ instructions.
8:00 am – 9:00 am
You go in search of breakfast but there is no sign of activity in the hotel’s restaurant. After waiting for 30 minutes a passer-by informs you that the cook has gone to the market and won’t be back for another hour. So you grab some leftover snacks from your road trip the day before and head out.
9:00 am – 9:30 am
You spend 30 minutes trying to get a keke to take you to the tomb of Nigeria’s first Prime Minister – Abubakar Tafawa Balewa. It should have taken you 5 minutes but the language barrier is making it difficult to describe where you are headed. Even your fluent pidgin can’t help. According to Google Maps, your destination is a 5-minute drive away. You contemplate just walking at the same moment you finally get a keke driver who recognises the photo of the tomb you’ve been jutting in peoples faces for the last thirty minutes.
9:40 – 12:00 pm
You arrive at the tomb and are welcomed warmly by two men sitting under a tree. One of the two men goes eagerly to fetch a tour guide while the other makes small talk with you. He’s pleasantly surprised you’ve made a trip up to Bauchi from Lagos despite what he calls the media’s unfair portrayal of the North.
Your tour guide is a tall well-spoken man with a deep Hausa accent who doesn’t seem half as excited to see you, as the two men who welcomed you were. But he politely begins your tour. As you walk into the mausoleum, you are thrown into a pitch dark hallway with towering stone walls and absolutely no windows. The floor ascends as you walk. Your guide explains that every bit of the architecture was built purposefully to tell a story.
The pitch dark hallway symbolises the struggle of Nigerians during all the years of slavery and colonialism. As you continue to ascend you begin to see small window openings casting beams of sunlight into the halls, this he describes as signifying the first sign of hope as we drew near to the end of colonialism.
A right turning comes out of nowhere as you continue down the hallway and you are suddenly thrown into a well-lit chamber, where the tomb is located. The chamber is bright and beautiful. The walls are made of a colourful mosaic which he describes represents the various Nigerian ethnicities.
Your guide gives you exactly 5 minutes to gape in awe and take a dozen photos before guiding you out of the tomb. He then leads you to a small museum away from the main building.
He goes through the museum artifices in the manner of someone who had had the same job for several years. He speaks in a slow and dismal tone as if he is trying to inflict you with a sense of somberness. The museum is small and walking through it takes no more than 30 minutes.
12:00 – 13:00
Once you are out of the mausoleum, you flag down another keke and ask to be taken to Gubi Lake. This time you are prepared for the look of confusion that will register on the driver’s face. You show him a picture of the lake and he grins and signals for you to get in. 600 naira he says. You don’t try to bargain. The lake is about an hour away from your location. 600 seems fair
The path leading to the lake is strewn with small village settlements and acres of deserted land and even more acres of land spotting signs with promises of development to come, but no sign of actual development.
As you approach the lake you realize that you’ll have no means to return if you don’t ask your keke driver to wait. So you ask, promising extra compensation. He agrees, even though you don’t give a figure.
13:00 – 15:00
You go up about two dozen steps carved out of the hills surrounding the lake before you get a good look at the lake, and it’s breathtaking. You take a thousand and one photos but no single one does the view justice. You get so lost in it, you don’t notice that your driver had come with you. He’s also mesmerized. You can tell he has never been here, even though he’s a native.
For some reason, although the lake is a recognised tourist stop there are no signs or a guide to give you a little history. There’s a pier built for what you assume are tourists but there is a gate stopping you from getting to end.
Your driver climbs down the rocks to converse with a fisherman waiting for his clothes to dry you insist on following so you can stick your toes in the water. Both your driver and the fisherman speak very little English so your hopes for getting some background about the lake from them are dashed.
You climb back to the top when you realize your driver must want to head back by now. You can’t help taking more pictures. You are already heading down the stairs when you notice your driver taking pictures too.
18:00 – 19:00
You head back to your hotel and make a beeline for the restaurant. This time thankfully the cook is in. No one hands you a menu, your options are rice and stew or rice and stew. So you go for rice and stew. It might be your hunger talking but the stew is the tastiest you’ve ever had.
Day 2
10:00 – 12:00
You wake up late because you’d really like to have breakfast before you head out. You have only one stop – Yankari Game Reserve.
Since Bauchi has no private taxis and Yankari is two hours away from town, you have no idea how you’ll get there. Luckily, there is a motor park right outside your hotel with vehicles lined up, waiting their turn to make the Bauchi- Kano transit and that is where you meet Bashiru.
While haggling the fare with the other drivers who are insistent on carrying you for nothing less than 10,000 naira, Bashiru agrees to take you for 5. When you get to Yankari you realize that Bashiru’s fare wasn’t just a bargain he has done you a favour.
12:00 – 14:00
You chat with Bashiru throughout the two-hour drive. He too is pleasantly surprised you’ve made the trip up North. ‘They say we are bombing everywhere, but there are no bombs here’ he says. His English is fluent and he tells you a little bit about every town you pass through.
14:00 – 15:00
Moving around the game reserve’s grounds without a car is a little bit of a hassle. The reception is quite a distance from your chalet, which in turn is quite a distance from the Safari’s information centre. Bashiru, bless his kind heart refuses to leave until you are all settled in and about to go on your tour.
15:00 – 16:00
You set your expectations low for the tour, you’ve come in the dry season and most of the animals you really want to see like the hippos and elephants have retreated deep into the forest. You still hold out hope to come across at least an elephant. There are supposed to be least a hundred scattered across the campgrounds in small herds.
The tour takes about an hour in total and you only came across 4 different species of antelopes and no elephants. Seeing the antelopes gets you surprisingly pumped. Probably because you’ve driven through nothing but green grass and trees for 20 minutes. At some point during the tour, the truck stops for you and other tourists to get off and check out a couple of caves.
The caves are a huge expanse of interconnecting caverns carved into a large hill smack in the middle of the forest. Your guide tells you how people hid in them at the peak of slave trade.
17:00 – 19:00
After the tour, you can get back to campgrounds fast enough. You are itching to see the warm springs. You’ve seen a couple of pictures and you are sure there’s no way the water is that crystal blue. But it’s even more stunning than the pictures. The water is clear as day and you can see straight to the bottom of the spring, where there’s a bed of the whitest beach sand. Rays from the sun hit the surface of the water causing it to sparkle and glisten.
You dip a toe in and then immerse your whole body. The water is warm. The perfect temperature for a bath. You stay in it until your body starts to wrinkle and the sun sets.
Mr Biggs is the oldest fast food chain in Nigeria, opening its doors in 1986. Since then a ton of other fast food chains have sprung up across the country. Some local, some foreign franchises that sensed there was a potential market in Nigeria’s ever-growing population. I decided to rank them from my worst to my best.
Kilimanjaro
I tried to do some digging into how Kilimanjaro came to be so big (they have outlets in twelve states across the country), and I came up with nothing. I know it’s not their food because well I’ve had their food. The biggest problem with Kilimanjaro is that they have nothing going for them. They don’t offer the cheapest prices in town or the best of anything. It’ll be unfair to say their food is awful because it’s not, it’s just terribly unremarkable.
Sweet Sensation
It’s really hard to have an opinion about Sweet Sensation because after so many years in the game they don’t have anything that makes them stand out. Mr Biggs has (or had) its meat pie, Chicken Republic its ice cream. Sweet Sensation? Nothing.
Tantalizers
The only reason I haven’t lumped Tantalizers and Sweet Sensation together is to avoid being disrespectful. Also, Tantalizer’s ‘Tanta roll’ deserved to be placed a notch above anything that comes out of Sweet Sensation.
KFC
KFC entered the market with a lot of buzz. They were one of the first foreign franchises to enter the fast food market in Nigeria. For people who often frequented their outlets in other parts of the world, the KFCs here fell short. For those who didn’t, it was still just alright and actually a little pricey. For me, it was somewhere in the middle. I won’t go to a KFC on my own volition but if I happened to find myself in one I might order a burger. I also think their cone ice-cream could give Chicken Republic’s a run for its money.
Mr Biggs
My favourite thing to do these days is pop into any Mr Bigg’s outlet I come across and check if their meat pie is even a shadow of what it used to be. I’m yet to find an outlet that comes close to delivering the original Mr Bigg’s meat pie. Still, I refuse to place Mr Biggs anywhere below third place in this list because they are the real OGs and they’ll be treated as such.
Tastee Fried Chicken (TFC)
The food at TFC might be Lagos’ best-kept secret. You can’t go wrong with absolutely anything you order. The only bone I have to pick with TFC is that 23 years after its launch they still have only Lagos outlets.
Chicken Republic
No one is more deserving to be at the top of this list than Chicken Republic. Over the years they’ve rebranded as the times and economy shifted in order to stay relevant. And they have, their branches have avoided the fate of being used as just a landmark or bus stop. Their value meal targeted at working-class people on a budget changed the game and though other fast food places have tried to adopt a similar strategy, no one can seem to beat their deals.
When it comes to food the only thing Nigerians can unanimously agree on, is that we have the best Jollof in West Africa. On the topic of which of our many swallows reigns supreme, however, we’ll never come to an agreement. While some people might pitch their tents in the Pounded Yam camp, for others Eba is the reason the sun rises and sets every day.
For me, these are the best and worst swallows, starting with the worst of them all – Wheat
Wheat
I get Wheat. Truly I do. It’s a healthy alternative to many cholesterol packed swallows. And if you Googled the number of Nigerians who live with hypertension, you’d get it too. What I don’t get is why it has to taste so vile. Or why it turns anything it touches to shit, even Efo that goes well with everything from Eba to Tuwo.
Semo
Aside from the fact that I think it’s a great deception that Semo looks a whole lot like Pounded Yam and Fufu, some of the greats, I don’t understand why people voluntarily eat Semo. It doesn’t help that one of my earliest encounters with Semo was when I was force-fed it in Sea School. That it was even served as a meal option in a place like Sea School is all you need to know about Semo.
Eba
I love Garri. I love Garri in all shapes and forms. Yellow, white, red, Ijebu. From the one that slaps the insides of your cheeks to the one that’s finer than beach sand. But once Garri turns into Eba it becomes an inedible mess that should only be served in boarding schools and prisons. Which are pretty much the same thing.
Amala
Placing Amala in 5th place on this list was really hard for me. But its lack of versatility is really its own undoing. Nothing bangs harder than Amala, Gbegigiri and Ewedu. But pair Amala with anything else and it tastes worse than disappointment.
Tuwo
It took one trip to the North to make me a Tuwo convert. 2 days into my 6 day stay in Bauchi and I was having Tuwo for breakfast lunch and dinner.
Fufu/Akpu
Here’s the thing about Fufu. It has a strong smell, which can be off-putting. But once you power through it, you’ll realize that Fufu is a diamond in the rough. You’ll even come to love the smell. And if you have an expert make it for you it could be an odourless, light fluffy goodness that will go down well with absolutely any soup.
Starch
I know I called out Amala for not being very versatile. And Starch suffers the same fate, but I don’t know what other position on this list it could be placed. What’s not to love about Starch? The colour, the texture, the taste all of it comes together so well. Then you pair it with Banga or Owo and wonder why you even bother eating anything else that isn’t starch.
Pounded Yam
Pounded Yam is the queen of versatility. I’m yet to come across any type of soup from any part of the country that doesn’t go well with Pounded Yam. I also have to point out that Pounded Yam and Poundo Yam are two very different things. The latter belongs at the very end of this list just above Wheat. Because there’s nothing worse than Wheat.
On the 22nd of September 2019, we’ll be hitting the road across mainland West Africa, touching down in these 14 countries in the region: Benin Republic, Togo, Ghana, Côte d’Ivoire, Liberia, Sierra Leone, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, The Gambia, Senegal, Mali, Burkina Faso and Niger.
“By a stroke of luck and genius, I was born in the large kitchen of Penda Mbaye, in the small town of Saint Louis, in Senegal.”
Has anyone ever wondered what Jollof Rice would say if we all stopped fighting and just listened?
There are 16 countries, hundreds of cities and millions of people in mainland West Africa. And you know what binds most of us together asides ECOWAS and Nollywood? Jollof Rice.
The Story Of Jollof Rice Is The Story Of West Africa.
Travel across West Africa, and you’ll find people swearing by the flaming hot heaven. But this isn’t just about rice. It is about culture; from the stories to the sounds to the colours, and most importantly, to the people.
We know Jollof spread across West Africa somehow, but what else spread?
And so, we’ll be travelling across the region, hopping from city to city. We’ll start in Lagos and travel the entire coastline, through the Python temples of Benin, through the beautiful beaches — and the not-beautiful ones — through the markets, through the music bars and street performances.
We’ll travel all the way to Senegal, the westernmost country of mainland Africa.
Then we’ll head back through the landlocked countries; through the old cities of Mali, through Sankara’s country, through our Northern neighbours, Niger, and back into Nigeria.
What We’ll Be Looking For.
Everywhere we go, we’ll be looking out for four things:
Where do the people go?
What do the people eat
What do the people move to?
What’s uniquely interesting about them?
Everything we find — whether it’s human stories or wicked recipes — we’ll share in photos, and videos, and journals.
We’re starting with ECOWAS West Africa, first because of the uniqueness of West Africa, and secondly, because it’s visa-free.
In sickness and in health.
We Need You.
If you live in any city across West Africa, preferably outside Nigeria, or if you know anyone who lives anywhere across West Africa, holler. We’re looking for people who know their way around their towns and cities, and cheap (or free) places to crash.
What do you think we should be looking out for? Tell us.
If you’d like to be involved somehow, holler in the comments, let’s get talking.
What’s next?
We prepare. Do you want to know how we’re preparing? Subscribe below. But first, this video:
Who owns Egusi? This was the first question I tried to answer when I started writing the article. I did some digging and ended up down a rabbit hole of hundred and one egos recipes from different parts of the country. Turns out Egusi is just as diverse as Nigerians.
I decided that who owns Egusi isn’t really important. What’s really interesting is the different ways people from different parts of the country own Egusi. I talked to 6 people from different parts of Nigeria about how they make their Egusi and got 6 diverse recipes for you foodies to explore the next time you are in the kitchen.
Tomatoes over palm oil because fit fam.
I don’t think it’s as popular but I boil my Egusi instead of frying it. I also use tomatoes instead of palm oil because fit fam. But instead of just dumping my Egusi in a pot of boiling tomatoes, I boil it until it’s very dry. Then I fry my tomato sauce with very little olive oil, instead of vegetable or palm oil. Then I put as many vegetables as I can lie my hands on.
Nora, Imo State
Not Egusi without lumps.
I don’t know how to eat any Egusi that’s not the lumpy kind. That’s why I only ever eat either Egusi I cook myself, or the one my mum cooks. Also has to be very dry. The tricky thing about making lumpy Egusi for those who don’t really know how to is that sometimes, some of the lumps end up not being cooked. What I do is after making my Egusi into a nice, thick paste I fry it in balls, the same way you’d fry Akara, just not as long as you’d fry Akara for.
Ada, Anambra State
White Egusi for the win.
I didn’t even know people call it White Egusi, but for me it’s Ijebu Egusi and the only way anyone should make Egusi. It’s made with just the melon seeds and without the vegetable. It’s also not as dry as many people make their Egusi. Eat with Eba and flourish.
Tiwalade, Ogun State
Bitterleaf is key.
I use just bitter leaf in my Egusi. I don’t bother putting any other type of vegetable. I also like it very dry. When you use just bitter leaf that has been washed properly then there is nothing else to distract you from the distinct taste the melon seeds have. If you want to jazz it up a little you can add some periwinkle.
Ivie, Edo State
No palm oil here.
I’m from Delta, so I already eat way too many things that involve frying and/or palm oil over here. For goodness sake, Starch and Owo is made up of 90% palm oil. And you can’t get away with making either one of them without palm oil. But with Egusi I can, so I use just tomatoes. I start off like I’m making regular stew. When my ‘stew’ is done. I add my Egusi and stir it constantly until it’s cooked. Then I add all the mede mede I want to add. Dry fish and stockfish must always be present.
Priscilla, Delta State
Plain old Elefo Elegusi.
I really like Egusi so trust me when I say I’ve tried out every kind of Egusi variation there is out there. From the white one to the one with just tomatoes and plain old Elefo Elegusi is still the best. I don’t really experiment with it. I do the usual. Start with a palm oil base, add in my Egusi paste and the smallest hint of a tomato paste I’d already prepared.
