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The Chopists Guide To Getting Free Food

Do you know the only thing that tastes better than your mother’s cooking? Free food. Depending on how much free food it is, it could even taste better. I don’t know what it is about free food that gets the average Nigerian going. All courteousness goes flying out the window at a party when leftovers are offered. And the theme of the party suddenly changes to ‘survival of the fittest’.

The way you feel about a restaurant can go from ‘you’ll have to bind and gag me to get me to come here again’, to ‘ok I’ll give this place a second try’ when the manager declares your starters on the house. But what if you could always ensure that each time you walked into a restaurant you got a free starter, or desert or, wait for it…the entire meal free. *gasp*.

For the true chopist at heart, here’s a useful guide to help you get free food at your favourite restaurant when you hit your monthly spend quota. And no, none of it involves dining and dashing. We like to keep it classy over here.

The good old birthday trick

Recommended for a free dessert.

Do you know what works like a charm every time? The good old birthday trick. You and a group of two or three friends walk into a restaurant and order some food. In the middle of your main course, your friends start to sing the birthday song. Not loud enough to be a nuisance, but loud enough to get the attention of the waiters and the manager. For maximum effect, I’d recommend you also whip out party hats. Unfortunately, it’s only good for dessert for one in most cases. So you and your friends should take alternating turns and never go back to the same place twice in six months.

Congratulations you are engaged

Recommended for free booze.

The most efficient way to get glasses of champagne or wine on the house is to fake an engagement. I think it goes without saying that this only works for two people of the opposite sex, because well Nigeria is just not there yet, and no one is going to aww your LGBT engagement. If you do find yourself in a more progressive space, a same-sex engagement will work like a charm.

The guy gets on one knee and professes loudly ‘(insert name), love of my life, will you marry me’. And watch the restaurant’s crowd go wild. Phones will be whipped out, random strangers will work up to you to congratulate you. and the manager will have no choice but to indulge you, even if it’s for the crowd’s benefit. If it’s a decent place you could even get a whole bottle free.

It’s a celebration of life

Recommended for free starters or if the owner has a heart, the entire meal.

You and a friend or two walk into a restaurant dressed head to toe in black. You all look distraught, and every time the waiter tries to take your orders, someone burst into an uncontrollable fit of tears. No actual tears have to come out, you only have to make hacking noises into your hands or on the shoulder of one of your friends. Take a cue from Patience Ozokwor when she has just been caught poisoning yet another husband.

Eventually, a manager comes by your table and as one of you continues the theatrics, the other explains you’ve all just come in from the funeral of a loved one. Now I know you might think this is extreme, but you won’t think so when the manager declares your entire meal on the house.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Recommended for an entire free meal.

Is there a swanky new restaurant you’ve been dying to try. Or a particular meal that’s just a little out of your budget, like let’s say the 90k gold plated steak at Circa? Faking a medical emergency is one way to try it out for free. Rolling your eyes back and slumping out of your chair, while your friend calls for help should do the trick. If you are organized you should have a ~~getaway~~ car ready to whisk you to the nearest hospital immediately, as you conveniently forget to settle your bill. Of course, I can’t guarantee you that someone from the restaurant won’t be sent to tail you to the supposed hospital. But I think it’s worth a shot.

I think my water just broke

Recommended for an entire free meal.

If you are tired of waiting for your summer body to come back from war and want to put your stomach gut to work, this is for you. I know you were offended when that security guard assumed you were pregnant just after you had two plates of Jollof, but for this trick that’s actually a good thing. You already have the gut, so there’s no need to buy a costume, which by the way is just plain distasteful. All you need to do as you walk into the restaurant is fake a waddle. You could lay the groundwork as you order your food by making a special request because you are pregnant. Like asking the waiter for ice chips. So now at least one person knows you are pregnant. When you are almost done with your meal, -it’s important for you not to finish it- pour a glass of water on the floor when no one is looking and say your water just broke.

Excuse me, there’s hair in my soup

Recommended for a free main.

This is another classic. Of course, you don’t have to find actual hair in your food, or be distasteful and put some of yours in it. You just have to make enough noise about it to make the waiter believe there really is something there. This works great for when you buy a meal you realize you don’t like or when you are halfway through the meal and you realize you really won’t mind a second plate. Depending on how dramatic you are, one of two things always happens. It’s either you are given a fresh new plate even though you almost cleaned out the first plate and charged for the price of one. Or you are given a fresh new plate and not charged at all.

Disclaimer: Use this guide at your own risk. Neither I nor Zikoko can be held liable for any damages that might ensue.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

August 6, 2019

Chopist
Everything We Loved About The #HennessyVerySpecial Limited Edition Bottle Launch

Nigerians love their Henny. The evidence is in every other Nigerian music video that has ever been made.

Champagne, Hennessy, Moet for everybody.
A wise man, 2007

We spent the better part of last night, with the good people at Hennessy and the legendary Felipe Pantone at the launch of the new limited edition Hennessy Very Special bottle. Apart from all the free food and the endless flow of alcohol, here’ s everything we loved about the launch.

This uber-cool interactive piece

The first thing we noticed as we walked through the door of the launch was this uber-cool interactive piece designed by Felipe Pantone himself. In a world that has quickly become technologically driven, it’s interesting to watch art and technology intersect. Hidden sensors placed around the piece caused it to move with the hands of a person standing right in front of it. Sorcery we know.

Actually every single piece of art on display

We don’t know what big flex might mean to you, but to us, it means 8 of Felipe’s pieces getting shipped in all the way from Spain just for the launch. Nothing short of genius is the only we can think of to describe the Argentian-Spanish artist. His work has been exhibited all over Europe, America, Australia, and Asia and you can see why from these photos.

The Hennessy Very Special bottle

We can already tell that the new Hennessy Very Special limited edition bottle will be every collector’s dream. In the artist’s own words “The essence of our times is being everywhere at once, simultaneously loose and connected.” In designing this bottle he drew on that maxim to create new and unexpected experiences in the world of Cognac. He calls it “Remixing the Present.”

All the free food and booze

We know we already talked about the food and alcohol, but everything was so good we had to mention it twice. From the Caramel Puff Puff to the Honey & Soy Chicken to the incredibly delicious sliders. We also loved how they used Hennessy to create unique cocktails.

The people

The eclectic mix of people in the Nigerian art space present at the launch made us lose track of time. Before we could blink we had been at the launch for 4 hours, and we found it hard to leave even though it was hours past Boyin’s bedtime.

Felipe Pantone himself

We had the pleasure to meet the genius behind the new bottle’s design himself – Felipe Pantone, and chat with him a little about the inspiration behind his design and what drives his art. Fun fact about the artist, he never lets his face get photographed so we couldn’t take any bragging rights selfies. As compensation, he gave us these goodie bags with a bottle of the limited edition bottles signed by him in each one. Thanks, Felipe!

Views from the 12th floor

The launch held on the 12th floor of Pearl Tower at Eko Atlantic, and as you can imagine the view was breathtaking. But don’t take our word for it, you can see it here yourself.

Watching Felipe’s thought process

Yes, we are on a first-name basis with him now, because we met him and shook his hand. You guys really need to get on our level. A short video was played at the launch, giving us some insight into Felipe’s thought process when designing the bottle. We are sorry we didn’t save any of the Caramel Puff Puffs for you, but you do get to watch the awesome video here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnnK5oOkGMI

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

August 2, 2019

Chopist

#hennessyveryspecial, #remixingthepresent, hennessy, sponsored
Ranked! Lagos Traffic Food

For all of its many faults, here’s the good thing about Lagos traffic: You could never go hungry. In fact, you’ll be so spoiled for choice, you might as well be at some sort of street food restaurant – gentrifiers please don’t get any ideas.

When it comes to Lagos traffic and food, there are two situations you are likely to find yourself in. The first is a short burst of traffic usually caused by a traffic light. In this case, you are most likely to get the first thing you lay your eyes on if you are feeling peckish. The second is the kind of traffic you sit in for hours, the kind you sleep and wake up in, the kind you strip naked, lay a hand on your left breast and swear for Sanwo-Olu when you finally get home, five hours after leaving your destination for what should have been a 30-minute commute. In this situation, you have the luxury of time to select from all the fine pickings of street food Lagos traffic has to offer.

I found myself in this situation last week and that’s when I decided to rank Lagos traffic food from the best money can buy to the worst. I ranked them in terms of taste, accessibility and convenience.

Gala and La Casera

Nothing works better for an empty stomach in traffic than Gala and La Casera. Also, nothing goes better together than these two. They are like bread and butter or Amala and Ewedu. Gala and La Casera were made for each other and it’s beyond me how over the years, both companies have never come together to create a joint marketing campaign. I know Gala isn’t what it used to be in it’s prime, but if you buy the one which costs 100 Naira, it comes a little close.

Pure Bliss

The only problem with Pure Bliss is you can’t stop at one and that’s never a good thing. Here’s how it starts. You roll your window down to buy two with 1,000 naira note and the hawker gives you 800 naira change. 30 minutes later you’ve moved just 1 km, and you’ve eaten both packs of Pure Bliss. You decide to just use the 200 naira change you got before to buy 2 more. Next, you use the remaining 100 naira to buy what you swear is going to be your last one. Except it’s not. At this point, you’ve had 5 packs of Pure Bliss and you are thirsty, so you use the 500 naira to buy a bottle or two of water. Now you have two, 200 hundred naira notes. So you buy another two and then another two.

If you sit in traffic long enough, this vicious cycle continues with the next 1000 naira note in your wallet, and the next, and the next. Before you know it you are home at 3 am wondering why you feel sick and how in the world you consumed a carton of Pure Bliss.

Fruits

You know what they say about an apple a day keeping the doctor away? I only remember it in Lagos traffic. Which is convenient because, although sitting in traffic for so many hours might be slowly killing me, I at least remember to eat healthy. If you think about it, one cancels out the other and I’m going to end up living till the age the good Lord intends. So if you don’t want Lagos traffic to kill you, buy your apple a day. My favourite fruits to buy are these packs of grapes because they are priced cheapest on the streets.

Popcorn

You know how popcorn hits different when you are watching a really good movie? The same thing goes for how its potential in traffic. If there’s nothing interesting to look at, nothing to do, nothing interesting playing on the radio, then popcorn just doesn’t make for great traffic food. On the other hand, if you’ve just witnessed a 1998 Corolla ram into a 2018 Benz and take its fender off, that will be the perfect time to buy popcorn in traffic.

Burger Peanuts

If you are willing to look beyond the fact that we are essentially sold half a bag of air and half a bag of peanuts with every pack, Burger makes for quite a tasty traffic snack. Given the fact that it still dominates the streets, I’m willing to bet that we are all overlooking this minor inconvenience.

Plantain Chips

With the hundred and one brands that seem to come out every minute, buying plantain chips in Lagos is always a gamble. You might find a great brand today and they’ll be nowhere to be seen the next time you are stuck in traffic. While we are on the topic, your safest bet when it comes to plantain chips in Lagos traffic is ‘Red Oak’’, the one in the red pack specifically. Consuming enough plantain chips to fill you up if you are hungry also means consuming enough water to have you looking for a bathroom in five minutes. Which is not a situation you want to be in, in Lagos traffic. 0/10 won’t recommend.

Groundnut, Cashew Nut & Walnuts

Both of these suffer the same fate as plantain chips. They are unable to make a dent in your stomach and they are guaranteed to make you gulp down water by the gallon. These are snacks meant only for 20-30 minute bursts of traffic and nothing more.

Buns, Puff Puff and Egg Rolls

All of these are elite street foods in their own right, but the reason they rank so low on this list is that it’s impossible for them to bang when they are cold. And while in some rare instances you might be lucky enough to catch the hawkers just as they hit the streets with a fresh batch straight off the fire, the odds of that happening is slim. Also if you buy an egg roll in Lagos traffic you deserve whatever comes to you as a result of your recklessness.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

August 2, 2019

Chopist

gala and lacasera, Lagos Traffic
Here’s What’s In My Carry-on For 10-Hour Road Trips

Hand drawing illustration set of wanderlust icons

Very few things give me a greater rush than food, as you probably already know. If you don’t, you should watch these to understand what I’m talking about. One of those things is unending road trips, through Nigeria’s treacherous roads in cramped buses that are guaranteed to break down at least once during the trip. My last road trip from Lagos to Enugu and back took a total of twenty-two hours to and fro. Which is 5 hours more than it should have taken.

I interrupt this transmission to inform you that Enugu is one of the most beautiful cities in Nigeria that I’ve ever been to. And if you’ve never been there, you can live vicariously through me here. Ok, carry on.

As I unpacked after my trip, I noticed that there were a couple of things I’ve carried with me religiously in my carryon bag since I started actively travelling around Nigeria in 2015. They don’t necessarily make my trips comfortable, but they do make them survivable. Apart from the obvious like phones, cameras and chargers here’s my list of road trip essentials:

Pepper spray for protection

There are certain factors I consider when I pack, the first and most important is that I’m a woman who never travels with a male companion. It’s very important for me to feel secure, which is why I never travel without pepper spray. The odds are that if I’m unexpectedly ambushed, I won’t even have time to reach for my pepper spray. But knowing I have some sort of protection is comforting to me. Here’s the great thing about pepper spray: it’s powerful enough to take down an assailant if well-targeted, but not enough to render him unconscious or worse so that you don’t end up in the middle of Ore, with a tire around your neck.

A money belt

I first learnt about money belts from my mother when I was 10. We were getting ready for a road trip to Delta when I saw her stuff a long strip of material with a wad of cash. When I asked her what it was for, she said it was back up cash in case we got robbed, so we don’t find ourselves stranded. The first time I travelled alone to Delta when I was 15, she gave me one, and I’ve carried one since then. I’ve never had to use it because I’ve never been robbed but I never travel without it.

A multipurpose scarf

Not multipurpose in a style sense, but in a utility sense. For warmth when travelling through unexpectedly cold regions, like driving through Jos at 10 pm during the rainy season. As a nose guard when travelling through dusty regions like Kaduna during the dry season and you are allergic to dust. As an extra layer of clothing to salvage your stained clothes when your period starts unexpectedly or you waited too long to change your pad or tampon.

In the rare occasion, I find myself travelling while on my period, I only wear black. I also wear a tampon and line my underwear with two sanitary pads stacked from top to bottom.

A whole lot of sanitizer and baby wipes

I’m not a clean freak, I slept in the dodgiest of hotels and eaten at even dodgier bukas. However, I’ve found that sometimes, the only thing standing between you and a horrible case of food poisoning while buying and eating food on the road is being able to sanitize your hands before you eat. The baby wipes help to provide temporary relief from the film of grit and ickiness you are bound to get coated with when you embark on any road trip longer than 5 hours. I also prefer to use them instead of tissues to clean up stains and spills because they leave no sticky residue behind.

Sunscreen

This is a fave because it’s lightweight and never leaves a cast.

Sunscreen is the most recent addition to my list. I only started carrying one around last year. The truth of it is that after the initial application I put on before I get on the road, I never reapply the sunscreen. But I’m adding it to this list because it’s a good habit to form and you are probably a better person than I am.

Straw hat

I don’t always carry a straw hat, but if I’m travelling through or to any Northen Nigeria state, it’s high up on my list of essentials. I’ve never had a heat stroke before, and after spending 5 days in Bauchi at the peak of the dry season I could certainly say the only reason I didn’t get one, was because of this straw hat and the fact that there was a bottle of water in my bag at all times.

Bottles of water

Talking about water, when I can, I try to pack my own bottles of water to avoid buying water off the roadside. This is ironic because I’d literally eat anything off the roadside from pekere to edible worm. But I’m very particular about where my drinking water comes from.

Painkillers and Imodium

Running stomachs and headaches are guaranteed during long road trips. You don’t want to buy painkillers or any sort of drugs from a place you barely know.

Meanwhile, have you heard of Jollof Road? We are touring West Africa, to find the story of Jollof and everything that travelled down with it from Senegal to Nigeria. Watch the trailer here, and watch this space, something exciting is coming.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

July 30, 2019

Chopist

Jollof Road, road trip, travel
Here Are The Best Things That Happened At Abori

Do you know what happens when food lovers, enthusiasts and producers countrywide come together for 7 days to eat and talk about everything Nigerian food and production? Abori, that’s what happens. From the 22nd to the 27th of July (last week) Abori, which is taken from the Hausa, Yoruba, & Igbo word for food – a local collective movement aiming to facilitate sustainable growth in Nigeria’s food system – took place. If you missed it, it’s a little hard to feel bad for you because we made all the noise on our Instagram page about it.

However, it’s a beautiful day, the sun is out and we are feeling benevolent, so we are going to tell you all about the very best moments at Abori, including pictures et al. So you can live vicariously through them for a minute before getting back to work.

The most beautiful exhibition of Nigerian food

Beyond the popular Nigerian food we all eat like Jollof Rice and Eba, and the ones local to our different tribes, if you even know them, just how much about Nigerian food do you really know? Did you know that there are tea plantations in Taraba? Or that there is coffee made in Jos? The exhibition showed that as much as we love to do so, there is so much to Nigerian food than just eating it

A short documentary on food sustainability in Nigeria

Where does your food come from? You buy the Garri you soak from Oyingbo market, but how does it get to Oyingbo market? Swallow, a documentary on Nigerian food gives insight into how climate change and poor agricultural practices are threatening our food supplies and what we can do about it. You can watch the full documentary here.

Market runs, but make it fun

If anyone told us going to the market could be fun, we’d have never believed it. We stopped by Oniru Market to pick up some catfish and tomatoes and had so much fun at it Toketemu didn’t even get mad when she got splashed in the face with catfish water.

There are farms in Lagos!

And no they are not in Epe or in Ikorodu like you’d expect. We stopped by one in the (almost) heart of the city – Lekki Phase 1. Yes, the actual Phase 1 not the one at the 5th roundabout. We spent the 2nd day of Abori touring markets and farms in Lagos and stopped by Gartner Callaway, a fruits and vegetables farm, pulling off hydroponic and organic farming right here in Lagos.

Did you know Radisson Blu grows some of their food?

Bet you didn’t and neither did we. We stopped at Radisson Blu in V.I. where their head chef, Chef Jade gave us a tour of their not so little garden where they source some of the food they use in their kitchen like lettuce and kale. He also made us a little picnic by the garden, and everything was so good we didn’t mind standing in the rain to eat it.

Item 7 on steroids

All the chefs of Abori came together on the second night to kill us with enjoyment at the welcome cocktail. Details of the night are still a little fuzzy to me because I almost ate and drank myself into a comatose. But I could never forget the goat meat tacos from @elpadrino.ng, the Ofada devilled eggs by @kitchenbutterfly and the main course, catfish by @elegbede.m which we all ate with our hands communal style.

Expert panels

We didn’t make it to all of the panels at Abori, but from the ones we attended, we could tell we missed out on so much valuable information. At the panel focused on plant-forward eating, we learned that Iyana Ipaja vegetable is basically a super vegetable and we’ve resolved to put it in everything we eat now because mans is trying to live to 80.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

July 29, 2019

Chopist

abori, sponsored
Ranked! Most Popular Pringle Flavours

In a world with thousands of snack options, millions of people will agree that Pringles reigns supreme. It’s just the perfect salty snack. There are tens of flavours to pick from, and the options available to you, usually, depend on which of the 140 countries they are sold in you happen to find yourself in. But whether you are in China or here in Nigeria you are bound to always come across the 8 OG flavours in this article.

People who consider themselves to be Pringles’ purists swear by the first-ever flavour – Original. More adventurous people would tell you ‘Hot and Spicy’ is the best flavour to have ever been made. But I’d tell you none of that is true. Right here is a definite ranking of the 8 most popular Pringles’ flavours, from the very worst to the best. And you should trust my judgment because if you’ve been following our YouTube page you’d notice I’ve become quite the expert at this food business.

Salt & Vinegar

I’ve never seen any ad campaigns marketing this particular flavour but this is how I imagine one will go – ‘Introducing the all-new Salt & Vinegar Pringles flavor! Are your kids stressing you out? Do they no longer respond to a stern look and some spanking? Then try out the all-new Salt & Vinegar Pringles flavor! It’s perfect for parents who are looking for creative new ways to punish their kids for being naughty. It’s supposed to be a snack but taste like sorrow and tears. Literally. Just imagine the look on the face of your kids when they think they are in for a treat and dip into this can of disappointment. They’d never know what hit them’.

Original

This OG flavour has a surprisingly large fan base for something that tastes only a little better than sawdust. I’ll never know what the original pringles flavour is supposed to taste like because this tastes like nothing. Even air has more flavour. 2/10, will only recommend if there’s absolutely nothing else to snack on.

Paprika

Here’s the thing about Paprika, it never occurs to me to buy it. Even when I pop into a supermarket specifically to buy Pringles and I discover that it’s the only flavour available on the shelves. The only thing I can remember about it from the one time I picked it out of a Christmas hamper 4 years ago was that it tasted kind of tangy. Did I hate it? No. But I definitely didn’t love it.

Hot & Spicy

As I was putting this list together, I did a little digging to find out if this flavour was specifically manufactured for the African market. To my surprise, I found out that is not. The problem is I can’t think up any other reason as to why this flavour tastes so distinctively like Jollof rice. The Nigerian in me doesn’t hate that it does but I’ve never been able to go through a whole can of this flavour.

Cheddar Cheese

I’m a cheese lover and easily a sucker for anything that tastes remotely like cheese which is the only reason Cheddar Cheese is in fourth place on this list. My only grouse with this flavour is this – If you are going to make a cheese flavour of anything, you might as well make it as cheesy as it can get. Don’t leave me with just a hint of cheese.

Pizza

The fact that this flavour tastes nothing like an actual pizza doesn’t stop me from buying it by the dozen. Even though it’s not as popular as any of the other flavours on this list, I couldn’t leave it out.

BBQ

I was very torn about placing BBQ in second place on this list because I’m pretty sure I buy it more often than any other flavour, including the flavour in first place. It’s the perfect combination of salty and spicy, which makes it very easy to consume a can every hour.

Sour Cream & Onion

I know a lot of people might argue with the placement of Sour Cream & Onion in first place on this list, but just hear me out for a second. It’s the perfect combination of salty and sour, and what I the ‘original’ flavour wishes it could be. Drops mic.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

July 21, 2019

Chopist
We Got Drinking Tips From A South-South Person

How we perceive other people is often driven by stereotypes. Non-Igbo people might think all Igbo people are business-oriented. Non-Yoruba people might think all Yoruba people have to put pepper in all of their food including ice-cream. Non-South-South people often think South-South people are alcoholics.

Now while I can’t speak to the rest of the stereotypes, I can confirm that while we might not be alcoholics the average South-South person especially one who is born and raised in the region can hold their alcohol.

I decided to ask one of them for tips to keep you from projectile committing and waking up with a nasty hangover the next time you are out drinking.

On whether or not to eat before you drink

It really depends on the kind of person you are and the kind of day or night you want to have. If you want to get to where you are going quickly, don’t eat before you drink. Skip any mixers, the first couple of shots will go straight to your head. On the other hand, if you prefer a slow build-up, especially if you are in for a long night of partying, then you should definitely eat.

What should I eat?

Anything heavy. Pounded yam, eba, starch. If you eat a large enough plate you’ll even start to get annoyed at how long it’ll take you to get lit. Bread is great for a hangover but it’s like air in your stomach if you eat it before drinking.

Does water really help?

Oh yeah, water works like magic. If you are out all night drinking and you can match your water intake to your alcohol intake, you are guaranteed to have a lit night and not wake up feeling like shit. The only problem is that you’ll pee tire. But the stress of having to take a piss every 5 minutes is worth waking up the next morning without a headache. Except you are at 57 throughout and you have to use the toilets there.

Best hangover cure?

So, here’s what works for me. When I wake up with a hangover, I take a cold shower to really wake me up and down one large stout, mortuary standard. I’m not recommending this to everyone o, because it’s the fastest way to become an alcoholic, I’m just saying it works for me. But before trying anything else, just take a cold shower first, you’ll feel about 30% better.

What about…

Oh, I completely forgot. Another guaranteed hangover cure is piping hot catfish pepper soup. The pepper has to be such that two spoons in your eyes, nose and mouth are streaming. It’ll clear your head, one time.

One thing everyone should know?

Champagne is the devil’s piss and it’s guaranteed to fuck you up every time. Here’s the thing about champagne, it takes its sweet time to hit you. It’s when you are like five or six glasses in that you’ll start regretting your decisions.

People should always…

Eat as they drink. Imagine starting your night at like 10/11 pm with maybe pre-drinks at a friend’s place and consuming only alcohol till like 3/4 am, your body will protest the next morning. Buy chicken wings, buy fries, just eat once or twice somewhere inbetween all of the drinking.

Best advice you’ve heard?

When drinking, the best thing to do is pick your poison and stick to it. You don’t have to drink the exact same thing all night just stick to a general category. Like if you start with vodka stick to other clear spirits like tequila and gin. If you start with whiskey though, just stay on whiskey. And never ever mix champagne with any other type of alcohol. It’s the worst decision you could ever make, I can guarantee you’ll end up with your head down a toilet bowl by the end of the night.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

July 19, 2019

Chopist
8 Things You Don’t Know You Deserve This Week

Like the millions of people across the world who work 9 to 5s, I hate Mondays. Always have, always will. At least until I’m a billionaire and don’t have to wake up at 8 am and slug it out with the masses.

Because I’m a firm believer in living my very best life, I’m always coming up with imaginative ways to make Mondays, well a little less suckish. Like calling in sick every other Monday or getting half of my deliverables done the night before if I’m sober enough and home before 8 pm. My new favourite thing, however, is working with a reward system. I set a list of goals I want to accomplish during the week and by the weekend I reward myself with something from my ‘treat yo self’ list. If I don’t meet my target I still console myself with something of my list. It’s always a win-win situation.

Here’s a couple of things off my ‘treat yo self’ list that I think you deserve to indulge in this week. Because you are doing amazing sweetie and you deserve to spoil yourself too; rent and electricity bills be damned.

The best Margherita in town

I think I’ve made enough noise about them for anyone who knows anything about me to know that Pizza-Riah is my favourite pizza place in Lagos. But since I tried the Margherita at Lagoon restaurant I’ve been torn. A friend put me on to it a couple of weeks ago. And it took me two bites to decide that he was right, they make these best Margherita in Lagos. I went back this weekend for it and also tried their ‘Lagoon Special’. I didn’t love the ‘Lagoon Special’ so pizzeria continues to hold its place in my heart. However, Lagoon does, without doubt, make the best Margherita in Lagos.

Fruit cake the best cake, especially from Cakes and Cream

I’ve been living two minutes away from a Cakes and Cream outlet for almost two years and I only discovered they make the best fruit cake in Lagos a couple of months ago. They’ve been the number one culprit for my rapidly expanding waistline, but every bite is worth it. They also make a pretty decent cheesecake. Talking about cheesecakes, I have to give Pizza-Riah an honorary mention here because they make a more than decent one. At this point, I should make a proud mum type of bumper sticker with their name on it.

A 300 naira burger

I don’t think it’s possible for me to hate anything that comes out of Tastee Fried Chicken (TFC). Including their Buristo which shouldn’t be mistaken for an actual Burrito. I’m just now realising that what I thought was a typo in their menu might just be intentional, to let you know you aren’t getting an actual Burrito. Anyway, I’m here to talk about their burger which is the best burger you could get anywhere in the country for 300 naira. It’s made up of a small patty, a fresh bun some tomato and lettuce but for some reason, it bangs as hard as anything Burna Boy puts out.

Breakfast smoothies

You deserve all the finer things of life, including breakfast smoothies, because your summer body needs some assistance to finish loading. Three weeks ago I switched out my regular breakfast for fruit smoothies and although I’m hungry all the time before lunch, I can say it’s definitely worth it and you should try it too. I’m trying to do this for a month and I’m about three weeks in, so I’ll share a little progress report by next week.

Pizza from The House Cafe

I like food way too much to ever have a favourite kind. Do you know how many options there are in this world? But pizzas are definitely some of my most favourite food. The pizza from House Cafe hits all of the right spots. Perfect crust, the right amount of tomato sauce, cheesy enough to make my lactose intolerant self almost regret having it when I’m stuck in the toilet for hours the next day. Giving that I live and work in Surulere and House Cafe is all the way in Lekki, I think it says a lot about the pizza there that I’m ready to journey all the way to get it.

A pedicure from Nail Boutique

I got a pedicure from Nail Boutique months ago and I have been to a bunch of other places since then because they are located all the way in Lekki. And each time I get a pedicure in a new place I regret not just making the trip down to get it done there. I don’t know what sort of sorcery they worked on me. But my heels were baby soft for weeks after I got it and my feet looked like they had somehow managed to take a layer off my sunburn. 10 over 10, will recommend.

Urban Fuxion ribs

I knew that Urban Fuxion had me in their clutches when I was on my way home at 3 am from 355 and turned back on Akin Adesola to chase down their food truck because I wanted their ribs. It’s a little disappointing they no longer make their curly fries but they’ll also have a place in my stomach and that’s saying a lot.

My signature pottage recipe no matter what the haters say

In last week’s episode of #VRSUS which was nothing but a smear campaign against my fine name and elite culinary skills @boyin_ and @yesmina_t tried to trash my signature pottage recipe. I’m here to do damage control and declare that my recipe is elite and definitely one of the best things you deserve this week. Unfortunately I’m a sore loser and I’m still licking my wounds so I won’t be whipping up a pot anytime soon. But you can watch the full video here.

What you most definitely don’t deserve though is this milkshake (?) from The Metaphor.

I didn’t think this needed to be said but here’s what a milkshake is made up of – actual strawberries, even if it’s just one; ice cream but I’d have even settled for yoghurt; sugar; and milk. It’s not however made up of 90% strawberry syrup and 10% ice. The waitresses retort of ‘That’s just how we make it here’ to my complaint is also one of the reasons I haven’t been back to Metaphor since.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

July 16, 2019

Chopist

drinks, Food
Here’s Proof That Nigerians Will Put Pepper In Anything

For a very large demographic of Nigerians, no recipe is complete until it has been doused in a healthy dose of pepper.

‘Milk or sugar in your tea?’
‘No I’ll have some pepper please.’

So I asked ten Nigerians who fancy themselves to be food connoisseurs of some sort about the oddest thing they put pepper in. Some of the answers were unsurprising, others downright triggering.

Can I get some rodo in that?

I like a bit of pepper in my salads not black pepper or any of that nonsense. I chop up some rodo and put in any salad I make or buy. It gives them a nice edge that no other ingredient could get you.

A dash of pepper in my oats

I like to eat oats for breakfast but in recent years milk has started irritating me. So one day I tried to put just small ground pepper in it. It changed my life and it’ll change yours too. Not a lot at all, just sprinkle a dash alongside your milk and sugar.

Tea, milk, sugar and pepper, please

Growing up my mum used to put a little pepper in her tea. When I got older I started doing it too. A lot of my friends think it’s strange, but it’s not strange to me. The funny thing is that there are even a ton of health benefits. I even heard it can help you lose weight.

I like pepper in my zobo

I’m not sure if this is odd or anything but a couple of people I know do it. I put a bit of pepper in my zobo. I know most people put ginger to give the sweetness some bite, but I don’t like ginger so pepper does the trick.

I don’t like sugar on my popcorn

I don’t like sugar on my popcorn. I prefer salt and pepper on it and I feel it should be an option at Nigerian cinemas. I mean we are in Nigeria for goodness sake, don’t they know anything about their target market? Very soon I’ll start going in with my own mix and I’ll fight anyone who wants to stop me. I’m a little light handed with the salt, but heavy-handed with the pepper. Sprinkle it on when the popcorn is still hot and sizzling. Heaven.

Fresh pepper on my pizza

Bell Pepper, Mushroom and Onion Pizza https://recipeland.com/recipe/v/bell-pepper-mushroom-onion-pizz-55050

See there’s this pizza Domino’s introduced I think last year – Chicken Suya, fresh pepper is one of the toppings and that thing is lit. I can’t remember the last time I ordered any other flavour from them. I’ve never really liked pizza, but I order this thing at least two or three times a month.

On avocado

I know a lot of people already sprinkle some salt on avocado, but just add pepper to that. It’s funny how it might sound odd when I put it this way but nobody thinks it’s odd to put pepper in like an avocado and chicken salad, which I do by the way. I’d probably also put some in an avocado and chicken sandwich. I just really like avocados and I really like pepper.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

July 13, 2019

Chopist
The Zikoko Guide To Becoming Captain Save A Planet

A lot is currently going on in the country. Then again a lot is always going on. There is no light, traffic is insane and public office holders are going around slapping tax paying citizens. Reading about how you can help make this tiny corner of the planet we live in still livable in the next couple of decades might be the last thing you are interested in. Especially because you have plans to port to Canada and they have their shit figured out. But just hear me out for a minute (or three).

Reports rank Nigeria the tenth most air-polluted country in the world. As if that’s not terrifying enough, in 2017 more than 114,000 people died from air pollution in Nigeria. The air we breathe in Nigeria is quite literally the most harmful in all of Africa. So if you thought this wasn’t a ‘now’ problem or a ‘you’ problem, well we have some bad news for you. It is. The good news is you can help, and you won’t just be saving Nigeria, you’ll also be saving your true home – Canada and well the rest of the planet.

You really don’t have to drive everywhere

You know another great way to get that summer body on about from the gym membership you are not using? Walk around a little. Driving from No.2 to No. 4 to see your friend who lives on the same street.

Skip the plastic bags

Here’s a fun fact you don’t have to get the thing you buy at supermarkets packed up in a plastic bag you can go in with your own bags. Maybe a couple of the thousand and one bags you’ve been collecting since 2002.

And just buy less plastic

Buy a water bottle you can refill from your dispenser instead of buying a dozen bottles of plastic water every week. If you don’t have a dispenser, make sure you refill all of your recycled bottles with the office dispenser. You can also use water dispenser bottles without a dispenser with this nifty tool.

Recycle, recycle, recycle

Reuse everything. Every bag, every jar, every bottle. There’s absolutely nothing that can’t be reused. Just ask your mum.

Switch out your toothbrush

If you are living right you should be changing your toothbrush every three to four months. And if I just reminded you to go change your toothbrush, you are welcome. The problem with billions of people changing their toothbrush so often is this – Over 99% of the toothbrushes we use are made of plastic, they also never get recycled. That plastic ends up in landfills and invariably our oceans. Switching to bamboo toothbrushes which are completely biodegradable and compostible can help with this. You can buy them here.

Separate your trash

I know you have many things on your mind. Like how we are going to survive the next four years with Uncle Bubu as our president. But it’ll take you two minutes to do this. Four separate bags, four separate bins. Plastic (only plastic you couldn’t possibly reuse) goes into one, paper into another, tins into the third and everything else into the last.

Quit smoking and cut off your smoker friends

For smokers, given that ‘smokers are liable to die young’ is put on every box of cigarettes, I don’t think anything I say is going to get you to quit smoking. This is just a friendly reminder that it’s not just killing you, it’s killing the people around you. Second-hand smoke is real, tell your smoker friends they can play around with lung cancer on their own. And if you like them a little too much to cut them off, you should at least walk out of a room people are smoking in. This one is for shisha smokers too, it’s just as bad guys, quit it.

Buy all of the plants

They are cute, they make your room and house look fancy AF and they help to purify the air within your home. If you are not ready to save the planet, you could at least start with saving yourself.

Toketemu Ohwovoriole

July 11, 2019

Chopist