Nigerians love their rice. If you watch the top ten YouTube tutorials of any Nigerian food blogger it will at least four rice dishes. Even though we are constantly finding new ways to reinvent rice, these rice dishes remain staples in most parts of Nigeria. I’m usually not one to pit a couple of bad bitches against each other, but I thought it’ll be fun to rank these dishes from the worst of them all to the best. 

Banga Rice

In the paragraph, before this, I talked about pitting bad bitches against each other. However, I think it’s important to note that even though Banga rice is on this list it’s most certainly not a bad bitch. In fact, it shouldn’t even exist. There are two things Banga is only ever allowed to go with – Starch and Eba. Absolutely nothing else, not even any other swallows. 

Coconut Rice 

My main problem with coconut rice stems from the fact that I don’t like coconuts. But even when you put that aside it’s a little hard to understand why anyone would voluntarily eat rice that tastes like it was chewed up and spat back out. There are some interesting variations to coconut rice like when you put carrots and peas in it, or cook it dry. But coconut rice at it’s core tastes like bad dreams and disappointment. 

Ofada Rice 

Here’s the thing about Ofada rice. It’s either you love it or you don’t there’s no in-between. People who love Ofada rice swear by it, no other rice dish compares. People who don’t, would rather eat sand before they touch it. As for, me I say give me the Ofada sauce and keep the rice. This might be a hot take, but Ofada sauce bangs more with plain old white rice. 

Concoction Rice

You might not understand why concoction rice, which is usually at the bottom of everyone’s list is so high up on mine. Until you try TFC’s Ajoke rice. They might have a fancy name for it, but it’s really just concoction rice. It has all the same properties as regular conception rice, ponmo, palm oil, fish. But Ajoke rice is inarguably top tier, it’s concoction rice with international exposure. 

Jollof Rice

Before I say what I have to say about Jollof rice, this is an appeal to anyone reading this not to stalk me down and beat me. After touring through thirteen West African countries (#humblebrag) and trying Jollof in each I’m here to tell you guys that Nigerian Jollof rice is just there. I love my smoky firewood party Jollof any day especially when you pair it with dry fried meat. But regular old Nigerian Jollof is unremarkable. Firewood Jollof is the only reason Jollof rice ranks below Concoction rice for me. 

Fried Rice 

I know you Jollof stans are about to fight me for ranking Fried Rice above Jollof but just wait, hear me out. The thing with Fried rice, is that a lot of people just don’t know how to make it right. It’s a delicate dish that needs the magical hands of a great cook. You can’t be buying Fried rice from the Iya Bas on your street. Who is literally just cooking rice with curry, putting two carrots and three peas on it, and calling it fried rice. Then say you hate fried rice, that’s not Fried rice.

I know people like to hate on Fried rice because it has all these supporting acts like carrots, sweet corn and all of that goodness, but that’s just why we love it. Those are the things that make fried rice, fried rice. 

White Rice & Stew

White Rice & Stew is like Beyonce. She is so talented and has made such a name for herself that even if you don’t really like her you can’t deny that she’s the best at what she does. There have been rice dishes before her and more will come after her but she’ll never go anywhere. 

I got into an argument with a friend last week about the greatness that is malt drinks. According to her the only people who drink malt are armed robbers and cultists. I countered this with ‘what the hell am I supposed to drink with Jollof rice and fried meat?’.

To her credit while some malt drinks in Nigeria taste like the nectar of the gods some should only be reserved for cultists and armed robbers. Which is why I’ve ranked every malt drink you can get in Nigeria today from the worst to the best.

Hi Malt

Hi Malt tastes like everything that’s wrong with this country and then some. It tastes like water used to rinse out the empty bottle of any other malt drink (except Beta Malt). It’s a mystery to me, how with the slew of other malt brands available in Nigeria Hi Malt manages to remain in business. That means people are waking up every day and making the voluntary decision to use their money to buy…Hi Malt. Mind-blowing.

Beta Malt

The Beta in Beta Malt’s name is ironic because the only thing it tastes better than is Hi Malt and that’s by a very slim margin. I think the fact that Beta Malt is huge in Ghana a country where egg kebabs exist should be warning enough that you can do better than Beta Malt.

Amstel Malta

My biggest problem with Amstel Malta is that there isn’t nearly enough sugar to satisfy my sweet tooth. From my very limited exposure to beer, Amstel Malta reminds me of beer a lot. Which is why it’s unsurprising that a lot of beer drinkers like it. But as for me and my sweet tooth, we shall pass.

Grand Malt

Grand Malt is a low sugar Malt drink that’s only a little better tasting than Amstel Malt. My theory about beer drinkers also applies here. People who love beer will love Grand Malt.

Maltina

You know how people settle for Pepsi when there isn’t Coca Cola. Maltina is like Pepsi. I see no reason for anyone to buy it if there’s Malta Guinness available. It tastes like a slightly watered-down version of the better malt drinks. But it would do in a fix.

Malta Guinness

Malta Guinness used to be my go-to before Dubic Malt came into the market a couple of years ago but it’s still an all-time favourite. Several lives ago Maltina might have been able to give Malta Guinness a run for its money but as at today, I’m pretty sure it’s the biggest Malt drink brand in the Nigerian market.

Dubic Malt

I didn’t know greatness could be improved upon until I tried Dubic Malt. It’s pretty much Malta Guinness raised to power 2. Which is unsurprising as they are made by the same manufacturers.

Honorary mention: Vital Malt

Who remembers Vital Malt? They went out of business in 2010 for reasons I’ll never understand. Nostalgia might be clouding my judgement but I remember it being pretty good.

We are all bored. And it’s Saturday morning. What else can we do but play around in the kitchen and have fun while at it? This list is a very helpful idea of things you can make while you are alone at home this Saturday morning.

1. Puff-puff.

2. Plantain frittata.

3. Gizdodo (if you can get gizzard sha).

4. Fried yam (AKA dundun).

5. Plantain chips (steal your neighbours unripe plantain if you don’t have your own).

6. Chin-chin (to satisfy your Nigerian blood)

7. Doughnuts.

Which of these will you be making today? Cheers to the weekend!

Being in self-isolation has driven me to experiment with a lot of things, especially food. And while some of these experiments have come back to slap me in the face, a lot of them have resulted in mind blowing, toe-curling orgasm. One of them is this Golden Morn experiment which I’m about to share with you.

Your Golden Morn experience is about to become lit.

1. Golden Morn and beans.

This gives a different flavour. One spoon of Golden Morn, another spoon of beans. Honestly, it slaps.

2. Golden Morn and groundnuts.

Think of it as drinking garri, actually. And isn’t Golden Morn garri that went to university?

3. Golden Morn and fried plantain.

Plantain makes everything better.

4. Golden Morn and Stew.

For the Yorubas who want a bit of pepper to go with everything.

5. Golden Morn and moi-moi.

Just think of it as drinking garri and eating moi moi with it. Besides, moi-moi is made from beans, so it’s technically like eating Golden Morn and beans.

5 Ways To Eat Moinmoin

6. Golden Morn and vegetable soup.

This is for those who like to munch on something.

7. Golden Morn and bread.

This one requires a bit of tact though. You need to add a lot of Milo and milk so it feels like you are eating bread and tea. Honestly, it slaps.

I promise you, this is not weird. Here is an appropriate list of Weird Food Combinations That Nigerians Actually Love

Ibadan is a nice place to live in (or explore, if you are the adventurous type). But that is only when you understand the workings of the city. If you don’t, you will end up becoming frustrated. To prevent this–and to give you a small taste of Ibadan–we made this guide to help you.

1. A lot of people are outspoken here and they will not hesitate to disgrace you if you act funny.

Ibadan people when you act rude to them. And this can happen in any place. With the taxi driver, the market woman, the okada man. Just respect yourself and they will respect you too.

2. When they tell you the rice of any item, never accept it as the last price.

Price it shamelessly and maintain this kind of look. They will tell you that they can’t go lower. Pretend to walk away. They will call you back and ask you to come and take it. If they don’t call you back, then truly-truly, you have passed your boundary. Go back and buy the item in shame.

3. Amala is in abundance here.

And yam pottage too. They happen to have a lot of yams in Ibadan. And given how Amala is made from yam flour, it all makes sense. For as low as N150, you can enjoy a decent Amala in Ibadan.

4. If you have an NYSC khaki, almost all doors will open for you.

If you want to perfect this act, just pretend like you don’t understand Yoruba and tell them that you are new to the area. Ah, enjoyment. Some of them will nearly want to carry you on their back.

5. If you ever find yourself in Oja Oba or Bere area, please dear, hold your phone and wallet tight.

These areas are like low-budget Oshodi. Anything can happen. And by anything, we mean anything.

6. You can take an Okada for as low as N30.

Yes, thirty naira. And we don’t mean Opay or Gokada or any bike -hailing service. We mean proper okadas. It all boils down on your ability to beat down prices and act like you don’t care if the okada man threatens to leave you.

7. The first person you see in a loading bus is usually the driver camouflaging as a passenger.

The gist is this: They know that passengers will not enter a bus if they find it empty, so they sit in it. When the bus is nearly filled up, they come down and re-enter as the driver. This act will shock you for the first two or three times, but once you realise that it is how Ibadan people do things, you’ll take it in your stride. Man must chop after all.

Ask the Irish what they are most proud of and you’d definitely hear many things along the lines of Irish music, food, Guinness and of course, St Patrick.

Any good Irish man worth his clover leaves can tell you how St Patrick is honoured for bringing Christianity to Ireland, but only a real Irish man can show you the real thrill of observing St. Patrick’s Day.

Which is why when The Lagos Irish Pub in Eko Hotel Victoria Island came a -calling for a 4-day St.Patrick’s Day celebration, you know we had to show up and show out.

Here are our favourite moments from the celebration:

First things first, what’s a St.Patrick’s Day celebration without good old beer?

Mortuary standard, just how we like it.

What goes best with beer? A selection of the finest guests Lagos has to offer.

AY the Comedian, Sexy Steel etc. It was a Nollywood, meets superfans heaven.

If you aren’t jealous enough, there was awesome food to go with the best beers!

We love a good party!

Meanwhile, did we mention how cute the Lagos Irish Pub Space is, because…

If that wasn’t good enough, there was live music to be serenaded with.

Can we have a St.Patrick’s Day every day? Please and thanks?

Look how packed the celebration gets!

Lagos gives Ireland a run for its money in celebrating St.Patrick’s Day.

You still have two days to attend, details down below. Be there and may the luck of the Irish be with you!

One benefit of being a first-timer in a Nigerian church is that they give you a package when service ends. The quality of the package depends on the type of church, sha. But if you’re lucky, you can get your next meal just by attending a Nigerian church as a first-timer.

1. Spaghetti and tomato paste.

They’ll wrap it in a nylon and give it to you with a smile. If it’s a campus fellowship, you’ll collect it with joy. Because you know how student life can be and this relief food will go a long way.

1b. Tomato paste.

This is usually given with spaghetti. They can’t give you paste alone, but you certainly can get only spaghetti.

2. Soft drinks.

After you have submitted the first-timer’s form, they will smile and say “Please help us manage this small gift, eh. God bless you. We hope to see you next Sunday.” And you too will collect it after acting like you’re surprised by the ‘package.’

3. Jotter and order of service.

What other way to remind you to attend their church but a jotter bearing the name of the church? Each time you use the jotter, you remember how you promised them that you will come back. And so you will have no choice but to go back.

4. Packaged chin-chin that looks like this:

Or this:

Usually produced by one of the devoted sisters in the church, so it’s almost like a small advertisement too. Almost like, come to our church, we have devoted sisters. Most times, the chin chin is always sweet.

5. Cake slices or jam doughnuts.

This is for rich churches, so don’t enter every church expecting to get cake. You’ll just be surprised when they offer you pure water and blessings. Even me, in my waka, I’ve only eaten cake slices from one church in…I’ll not mention the name.

Have you read this? 5 Things You’ll Relate To If You’re A First-Timer In Church

If you’re a Nigerian who loves eating swallow, then you’ll understand the importance of the right soup to make a swallow hit the right notes. If you enjoy eating good food like us, then you should print out this list and pin it above your bed as a daily reminder.

Types of swallow

Before anything, here’s a (small but workable) list of swallows:

• Amala
• Eba
• Semovita/Semolina
• Wheat
• Pounded yam
• Starch
• Fufu

Types of swallow and soups you combine them with

Now, given this wonderful list of delicacies, what soup should you combine with them? Let’s suggest for you!

1. Eba vs. Okro soup or Egusi.

Both of them are sure to send you into a place of bliss. It’s up to you to choose your drug.

Quiz: Which Nigerian Swallow Are You?

2. Amala and ewedu have been a couple since time immemorial.

What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.

3. Because we love you, we recommend ogbono soup for fufu, wheat, and semo.

Be careful though, so you don’t eat your fingers in delight. Too good.

You can also try a mix of okro and ogbono soup. Something like this:

A queen sitting pretty. We have no choice but to stan.

4. Pounded yam belongs with efo riro. No more, no less.

Our mouths are watering already.

If you had a chance to spend money on pounded yam and efo riro today, how much are you willing to let go of? N7,500 or N1,500? In the latest episode of VRSUS, we visited two restaurants to tell the difference between both of them. All the gist is here: