Nigerian lecturers are gems but you learn not to trust everything they say after you’ve spent some time in the university. The ability to decipher what they actually mean is a skill that will never disappoint you. This is a list of some of the things they say, and what they actually mean.

1. “A is for God” = I don’t know how this became a thing but my lecturer from 50 years ago told me the same thing. I’m just passing it on.

2. “Are you challenging me?” = Think before you answer this. What you say and how you say it will go a long way in determining your future at this university.

3. “You can buy the course material if you want, it’s not compulsory” = Don’t buy it at your own risk. Just know that you will probably fail this course. 

4. “If you don’t get 70% attendance, you can’t write my exam” = I only said 70% because it’s the university policy but you should attend all my lectures. I don’t announce my tests.

5. “Most of you will fail this course” = I have no basis for that but it sounded cute in my head, so I said it. For real though, most of you will fail this course.

6. You can easily graduate with a first-class, but you’re not serious = If you think I meant this, then I have a unicorn to sell to you. Didn’t you hear me when I said: “A is for God”?

7. “You should read this part for your exam” = It won’t come out, sha. You will open your question paper for a surprise, and from there, It will be vibes and Insha Allah.

Students in Nigerian universities have stories to tell, but hardly anyone to tell them to. For our new weekly series, Aluta and Chill, we are putting the spotlight on these students and their various campus experiences.

One thing every student learns to navigate in the university — some more than the others — is finances. It becomes interesting when you think about the fact that for many students, the university is their first attempt at adulting. So, I spoke to some students at Olabisi Onabanjo University and asked them to talk about a time they were really broke in school and how they dealt with the situation. 

Aramide

Sometime in my first year, I borrowed a friend ₦20,000 and was really looking forward to getting the money back. I had run out of cash on the day she was supposed to return the money. I had some money in my backup bank account but I couldn’t access it — I was saving up to start a business. Besides, I didn’t have an ATM card associated with the account. 

I needed to go to school to write a test and I went with the ₦100 I had and my ATM card, hoping that she would send the money before I was done with the test. That didn’t happen. I finished the test and realised that the money wasn’t in my account. 

I called her repeatedly and she claimed that she had sent it, chalking it down to network issues. This couldn’t have happened on the worst day because my period started when I was in class. All I wanted to do was go home. 

Four hours later, I was still in school waiting for the alert. I called a friend to help, but unfortunately, he was going to use the ₦100 he had to take a bus home. Not knowing what else to do, I helplessly sat down somewhere willing my bank to alert me that the money was now in my account. Eventually, I called another friend who wasn’t a student at the school and he came to pick me up. 

Before I got home, I received the credit alert.

I felt some resentment towards my friend. She was a good friend and what happened wasn’t her fault, but I couldn’t help it. 

My relationship with money is better these days. I have a savings plan with Piggyvest and an investment plan with Cowrywise. I started my business earlier this year and pumped everything I’d saved into it. I’m hoping that it takes off soon. My parents give me an allowance every week and I also get some money from my boyfriend. I used to buy things impulsively, but since I started this business, I put a lot of thought into everything that goes out of my purse. 

Demilade

I was broke for an entire semester in 200 level. I travelled to school with some foodstuff, my transport fare and an extra ₦1000. The hostels inside the school were expensive, so I went for a cheaper option, even though it was quite a distance from the school. The downside was that I had to figure out a way to make sure the ₦1000 I had left was enough to get me to school for two weeks. 

I actually thought that I was going to die. I ate once daily — in the morning or at night. And that happened for the better part of the semester. Whatever money I got was spent on getting myself to school. 

I wasn’t comfortable with asking my hostel mates for anything, so I dealt with it alone. There was a day I had only ₦50 and I was starving. I used ₦20 naira to buy garri and divided it into two parts. I soaked half in water and drank it in the evening. When morning came, I did the same thing in the morning, but this time I used ₦10 to buy sugar. 

To be honest,  I don’t know how I survived the semester, but I did. It made me realise how resilient I am. I’m smarter about how I spend money these days — I make sure I’m accountable for every penny I spend.

Abiodun

I was in my second year when I hit a super rough patch. I didn’t get anything from my parents at the beginning of the month and I needed to figure out a means of survival until the next month. My timetable was hectic and I had classes every day of the week too, so I spent most of what I had on transport. My friends helped, but there was only so much they could do. I was basically taking it one day at a time. 

I was thinking about how to wing the situation when I remembered that I knew someone who was an estate developer in Abuja. An idea popped into my head — I thought that I could offer him some value and create a jingle for his business. I hadn’t done anything like it prior to that time, but I called him and pitched the idea to him. He was down with it. I told him I would need about ₦20,000 to make it happen and he agreed to it. 

Sometime later, he sent ₦30,000 to me. I couldn’t believe it. That money couldn’t have come at a better time. I did the job and had enough left to survive the month. Also, the fact that I actually earned the money made me feel so good.

I live by grace these days. Money comes in and goes out, but I know I’ll always be fine. When I have enough, I intend to save and start some investments. You can only invest when you’re liquid enough to do it. 

Ogo-oluwa

There was a time I spent money I was supposed to spend for a week in a few days — I think I splurged on data. After that, I was on my own. 

I was cooking with my flatmates. I didn’t have any money on me, so when they suggested buying fish, I came clean and told them that I would eat my food like that. They were probably surprised, but they bought the fish and each of them gave me a piece from their share. The benevolence really touched me. 

I wasn’t going to let it happen again, though. I called my parents the next day and jokingly told them what happened. 

The experience showed me how important it is to have people around though. I can’t imagine how helpless I would have been if I didn’t have my flatmates. Also, I realised how much good a backup plan can do when it comes to managing finances in school. However, I’m at home now and I’m critically broke. No thanks to miss Rona.

Lekan

Sometime last year, I made some bad investments. My cousin called me, introduced Loom to me, and convinced me to join the scheme. He didn’t tell me the full details and I didn’t do any research. I checked my finances and saw that I didn’t have enough. The reasonable thing was to let it go, but I borrowed money and put everything into it. 

I called my cousin to ask for the next steps. He told me that there was none — all I had to do was wait. Boy, what a wait it was. Nothing happened in the first week, the second week or the third week. 

I was so broke that I trekked home from school and drank garri almost every day.  Another person I knew introduced something similar to me, promising a faster return on investment. I was desperate and wanted to recoup everything I’d lost. Somehow, I found ₦1000 and threw it into this one too. Then another wait started. After a month passed and I didn’t get anything, I knew it was time to let it go. 

Unfortunately, I was now very broke and in debt. The only silver lining in this experience was that I had a surge of ideas during this period. I don’t know if it was a coincidence or if it happened because I was desperate. I had learned my lesson and was done with looking for quick money. I’m a brand identity designer and took my hustle more seriously. Luckily, I got some gigs that fetched me some money I lived on until the next allowance came from home.

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Can’t get enough Aluta and Chill? Check back every Thursday at 9 AM for a new episode. Find other stories in the series here.

Living in a hostel has its pros and cons. It could be the security or the roommates that eventually become friends or the constant power supply. For others, it could be nothing but a tale of woes. We asked students at Nnamdi Azikwe University to talk about a hostel experience they would never forget.

Adaugo – Had a toilet infection

My first and sole problem is the toilet. It is terrible — a complete eyesore. A toilet is allocated to 5 rooms on every floor. Students hardly use the toilet. They would rather defecate and urinate inside a custard bucket and then pour in the toilet. After disposing of the content, they don’t flush because of the lack of running water. Others do the same thing until the toilet bowl is filled with faeces. To make matters worse, the cleaners come in to wash the toilet only once a week. I got a bum irritation as a result of it.

Chiamaka – Was part of a protest

The school hostel is known for regular power supply, but something happened. There was a blackout that lasted for a week. During this period, we had a shortage of water supply as well. You’ll see girls queuing up to fetch water from the well to have their baths. Omo! Life was hard. We had to stage a protest before something was done. We used the cover of our pots and the stick for stirring garri instead of placards, shouting as we marched down. Even the boys joined in the protest. In the end, our protest was successful.

Precious – Helped a girl in need

This happened in my year one. We had clear instructions not to hang clothes on the rails in front of our room. However, a fellow hostelite defaulted. As usual, the former Dean came to the hostel and saw the clothes. Before he could come up, all of us in that wing took the clothes inside, locked our doors, and went out. He didn’t see anyone when he came up. So, he wrote our room numbers, threatening and ordering that we see him in his office the next day.

It was so nice working together as a team. Imagine if the girl had come back and didn’t see her clothes. It’s not like she purposely did that. There was no space to dry her clothes downstairs. Thankfully, he didn’t do anything because we were writing exams.

Philip – Portress wahala

I wanted to eat before going for lectures. But my rice got spoilt. So I packed the rice, threw it in the bin, then I poured the water I used to rinse the pot over the rails. I knew it was against the hostel rules but rules are there when things are in place.

One of the portresses heard the splash and asked who did it. I refused to bulge because she didn’t see my face. Still, she went continued with her threats and even tried to curse me.

I decided to go after her to explain myself but she slapped me saying that she was old enough to be my grandmother. After that, she ordered me to sweep the floor. I refused. Not after she slapped me. Some of my fellow guys came out and asked that I obey her. The security guard threatened to call anti-cult. I wasn’t deterred. They were amazed because their words had no effect. They all knew she was wrong but you know, the portress is always right.

Eventually, I gave in and I felt humiliated.

First year at university is always euphoric, it hits with a certain kind of high. Which makes sense because getting university admission in Nigeria is a battle. And this high somehow puts you on your best behavior. Although if we’re being honest, memories of what your Nigerian parents can or will do to you if you disgrace them also contribute to this high. Here are 9 things we are sure you did in your first year at University.

1. Attended every class. 

Attendance was on point. It was all about making parents proud at that point.

2. Learned the school anthem

With sincere gusto. Some people even took it a step further and posted the lyrics on their social media pages to pepper other friends who had not gotten admission.

3. Turned in assignments on time.

Because you were an upstanding student with a track record of beating deadlines and working well under pressure.

4. Attended school functions.

Voluntarily attended school functions.

5. Night class. 

With 5.00 CGPA goals on your mind.

6. Joined a school society. 

Because they said its good for networking and building connections for life after school. They didn’t lie though. But you probably would have made those connections if you had attended parties instead.

7. Actually went home for holidays.

But by 3rd year a plot twist came in. You now mastered the art of manufacturing the perfect excuses to not go home. Matter of fact, he only time your parents saw you was when you got really broke.

8. Actually bought textbooks.

But later on, you metamorphosed into the criminal that will collect money for textbooks and use it to buy party tickets.

9. Aspired to graduating with first class. 

The plan was to graduate with a first class and break records. By third year that plan became modified to “let me just graduate with my set”.

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Due to the Coronavirus pandemic and its effect on the educational sector, there have been talks to switch to e-learning. In a recent interview though, ASUU said e-learning can’t work in Nigerian universities.

And we know why.

1. Network providers will mess things up.

It’s kuku their work.

2. Will there even be enough money for constant data?

Nigerian students wondering where to get money for data.

3. Who will teach those Mummies and Daddies how to use Zoom?

We ask, who?

4. How will they shout at students and threaten to fail them?

Normal class: Look at how you’re dressed? Oya leave the class before I fail you.

Online class: …

5. No more opportunity to dictate notes alone.

Imagine trying to dictate notes over Zoom. Lewl.

6. How will they sell materials?

Nigerian lecturers when they realise that their side hustle cannot prosper on e-learning channels.

7. And finally, how will they do group presentations?

How else will students come on stage to act as the full clowns they are?

One of the first things every student learns after they get used to the idea of night classes is that not everyone is there to study. Everyone may come with books and study materials, but their interests are different. This is a list of some students you will find in these things:

The Reader

This student is actually there to study. Throughout the night, they are in one spot,  eyes glued to their study materials. This is the person everyone aspires to be, but apparently, not everyone has what it takes to be them.

The Talker

This person reads for 30 minutes and decides that they’re done. With nothing to do for the rest of the night, they go from one spot to another, striking conversations with people and converting them to their cause. The trick to dealing with this person is to ignore them. You’re on your own the moment you give them an audience.

The Dozer

This person is not a night person and is only there because of their friends. Once it’s 12 midnight, they start to sign off. A lot of them will swear that they’re not sleeping whenever anyone tries to wake them up. And if by any chance they wake up, they are gone again five minutes later.

The walker

This person is restless and can’t stay in a spot for a long period of time. After studying for some time, they start to pace around. The only problem is that they spend more time walking than studying. 

The Joke

This one knows that they are not about the night studying life, but they want to prove a point to their friends. They come with heaps of book but the chances of them opening them are almost non-existent. The best they can do is look at one for a couple of minutes before they remember that their phone is more interesting. And that signals the end of studying for them for that night. 

The wannabe thief

This person is the enemy.  They come under the guise of studying, but all they really want to do is to steal your phone and other valuables.  They are the absolute worst. 

You think you are all grown and can handle yourself until you get to the university, the polytechnic, or anywhere you have to spend a few years without your parents breathing down your necks. That’s when life throws your first real test at you – how do you make sure you don’t go broke? The bad news is that your money is never really enough, and it doesn’t help that you always have this lingering urge to spend.

This happens in stages, so let’s break it down, shall we?

1. Heavens smile on you and you get a credit alert

It is not 30 billion dollars, but it is just enough for you to enjoy your life. You are addicted to cash, but you like spending it more. I mean, what’s the point if you don’t know how to spend it?

So, you settle your debts, upgrade your closet, and do other stuff. Suddenly, the idea of cooking seem very foreign to you and the sight of your room irritates you, so you get out every chance you get.

2. You can’t stop spending

At this point, the voice of reason you’ve trapped deep inside your subconscious is fighting to get out. You can hear it now, but will you listen to it? Nah. You know you should get a grip, but you just don’t see the need to.

3. You won’t stop spending

Now, you’re beginning to realise how much damage you’ve done to your purse. But then, the genius in you thinks that is the worst that could happen. Besides, You Only Live Once. More than ever, you are determined to live your best life.

4. You don’t have anything to spend

You’ve lived your best life and now, you have to reflect on how fast it went. You check the calendar and realise that you won’t be getting any alert any time soon.

You swear to be more careful with money going forward. Hahaha. That’s funny because you couldn’t if you tried.